Work Text:
bestdetective created a group chat: all hail me, an intellectual
bestdetective added michizoulol, notjinko, imgin, akutagawa, higucci, bestdoctor, morecrepespls, kenjikun and juni-churro to the chat
Everyone: ...?
bestdetective: according to my deductions, we're going to need a group chat to discuss the inevitable chaos that is going to happen soon
***
Chaos touched Yokohama on a normal day, just because two men in their twenties decided so. No, seriously. The day started out perfectly normally for both the organizations that employ ability users. In the dreaded Port Mafia building, all the employees were arriving at work fairly early in the morning. Those who had slept in their offices at night, woke up and got right back to work in the same office. The Executives were busy looking at various operations and reading reports about missions. The esteemed Mafia Boss was up in his office with his ability Elise, the short blonde complaining about her cakes weren't moist enough. In short, everything was normal there.
Meanwhile in the Armed Detective Agency office, everything was once again normal. Kunikida arrived at the offices exactly on time, nine a.m. on the dot. Ranpo was busy munching snacks first thing in the morning. Atsushi was groaning over his beloved mentor's paperwork from the day before, which had been pushed on to him. Yosano-sensei was polishing her many, many tools, and the Tanizaki siblings were being their disturbing selves at the brother's desk. Kyouka and Kenji had brought crepes to eat for breakfast, after which Kenji fell promptly asleep. And finally, Dazai was late as usual.
An hour after the work day had started, Dazai Osamu, the former Mafia executive and current employee of the Detective Agency, waltzed into the Agency offices, devoid of any worries as usual. Kunikida was just about to reprimand him when he noticed the shining black ring on his wretched co-worker's finger. And it wasn't just any finger. It was most certainly his wedding ring finger. Apparently, Kunikida wasn't the only one who noticed the addition of the new accessory on Dazai's finger.
Yosano asked immediately, "Dazai-kun, what is that?"
The bandaged man smiled innocently, "What is what, Yosano-sensei?"
The Agency's resident doctor walked towards him and lifted his left hand to inspect the ring, "This! Is this a wedding ring?"
Dazai looked at his ring in surprise, as if this was the first time he noticed the ring on his finger, "Oh? This little thing? As it happens to be, it is a wedding ring."
By now, everybody had stopped working and were now looking at Dazai. Kunikida walked over to the apparently married detective, "Oi, Dazai. Is this some kind of joke? It's not very funny."
Dazai gasped dramatically, "Why would I joke about my marriage?! Of course, it's not a joke, Kunikida-kun! What kind of husband do you take me to be?"
The blonde man muttered, "A terrible one, most likely."
The bandaged detective recoiled in pretend shock, "I am a wonderful husband, I'll have you know!"
Before an argument could break out properly, the Agency's weretiger interrupted his superiors to ask meekly, "Um, Dazai-san. Why haven't you ever worn your ring before? Did you get married recently?"
Dazai waved his ringed hand around, "Oh no, I've been married for four years. I usually wear the ring on a chain around my neck at work. I do wear it on my finger at home, but it looks like I forgot to take it off today."
Kenji, who'd woken up by now, asked excitedly, "I'm sure your wife is a wonderful person, Dazai-san!"
Kunikida muttered again, "I pity her poor soul. What did she ever do to be stuck with the likes of you?"
The others tried to maintain a straight face, but Dazai just ignored the idealist and grinned, "Thank you, Kenji-kun. My wife is, in fact, a wonderful person."
Of course, all the Agency workers had several questions, but Dazai refused to answer any of them. He simply went over to his desk and put in his headphones, singing his made-up suicide song once again.
Meanwhile in the Port Mafia building, the well-known Executive, Nakahara Chuuya, had a meeting with the Black Lizard team, the Rapid Dog of the Mafia and his blonde subordinate. As usual, Chuuya was the first to arrive in the meeting room. He set up the table and had one of the workers supply the meeting room with beverages. The meeting was regarding a mission that had failed last week, and it was a very gruesome thing to talk about. Chuuya was hoping the comforting iced-tea would help with the mood. Despite what he said, Chuuya wasn't really that scary.
Hirotsu-san and his team members Tachihara and Gin were next to arrive, Akutagawa and Higuchi right behind them. Once everybody was seated, Chuuya began, "Right, so. On the agenda today..."
Before he could continue, Tachihara raised his hand, asking for permission to speak. Once Chuuya nodded in approval, he beckoned towards the chain around the executive's neck, "Chuuya-san, is that a ring on your chain?"
That's when everybody else in the room noticed the ring on the chain around their executive's neck for the first time. Higuchi gasped, unable to hold back her question, "Chuuya-san, is that a wedding ring?!"
Akutagawa subtly glared at his subordinate, "Shut up, Ichiyo. That's a very rude question."
Chuuya cleared his throat, "It's alright. To answer your questions, yes, that is indeed a wedding ring."
Higuchi murmured, "I didn't know Chuuya-san was married."
Tachihara mused aloud, "We've never seen you wear that before. Any special occasion today, Chuuya-san?"
The executive shrugged, "Not in particular. I usually wear it on my finger, and it's concealed by my gloves. However, I had a manicure done yesterday, so I put it around my neck temporarily. I suppose I forgot to put it back on my finger."
This time, Hirotsu-san, who somewhat had an idea of who the spouse could be, spoke up, "Have you been married long, Chuuya-kun?"
Chuuya merely smiled at the older man, "I suppose four years is a long enough time. Especially for us, don't you think, Hirotsu-san?"
This statement most definitely confirmed Hirotsu's suspicions. Chuuya-kun was surely married to that person. The commander of Black Lizard had had a feeling, but this incident with the ring, and with the executive's statement, he was completely sure.
Akutagawa asked respectfully, "How come we've never heard about your wife before, Chuuya-san?"
Chuuya beamed at his subordinate, "Look at you, speaking your mind and everything now! But to answer your question, I don't really know, it never really came up, I suppose."
Higuchi asked shyly, sure of the fact that she was not overstepping her bounds considering Chuuya-san was sort of really friendly to her, "Will we meet your wife someday, Chuuya-san?"
Chuuya clicked his tongue thoughtfully, "Probably. Now, let's get back to the meeting, shall we?"
***
Later that evening, in the group chat "all hail me: an intellectual";
bestdetective: yo don't u guys have something to discuss? share your findings maybe?
notjinko: um ranpo-san, why would we tell the port mafia-
bestdoctor: i mean we're on alliance anyway so like??
morecrepespls: what's going on?
notjinko: ranpo-san wants us to tell the pm about what we found out
akutagawa: jinko what's going on
notjinko: c an u actually pls read my username-
michizoulol: HEY GUYS WHAT'S UP
imgin: wtf stop screaming michizou ugh
higucci: um what's going on
bestdetective: why are u guys like this seriously- @kenjikun please tell them what you learned today
kenjikun: hi i just woke up!! oh!! today we found out that dazai-san is married and has a wife!!
michizoulol: WHAT THE FUCK ARE U FR
imgin: tachihara language??? also seriously wtf lmao
akutagawa: ....
bestdoctor: ^
juni-churro: anyways-
michizoulol: yo that's wild. we found out that chuuya-san is married and has a wife too
notjinko: ?????
juni-churro: that's actually such a weird coincidence
bestdetective: no lmao it was totally planned
akutagawa: are u implying what i think ur implying
bestdoctor: probably not? no offense akutagawa ur kinda oblivious
notjinko: does this mean that dazai-san and chuuya-san know each other and planned to tell their colleagues about their respective marriages on the same day?
imgin: dude ofc they know each other,, double black remember?
akutagawa: i hate to say this but jinko is probably right
bestdoctor: wtf are u guys serious rn
bestdetective: i told u they won't get it, yosano-san. ok this is clearly not working. ok everyone in this gc meet at the cafe two blocks away from the mafia building at 6 today.
bestdoctor: its compulsory
Everyone: fine
***
Half an hour later, at six in the evening, all the members of the group chat were gathered in the café Ranpo had mentioned. Yosano and Ranpo had managed to get a table big enough for eight people. Junichiro and Kyouka were the only ones who hadn't shown up. The former had said that he was required to have dinner with his sister, and the latter had opted to go grocery-shopping instead.
Once everybody was seated comfortably at the table, Atsushi commented on the size of the table, "Whoa, this table is big enough to seat ten. I thought Tankizaki-kun and Kyouka-chan weren't joining us?"
Ranpo waved away his question, "They aren't. But according to my deductions, two more guests will be joining us later today"
Even the Mafia members knew better than to question the genius detective. Instead, all of them ended up ordering coffees and pastries before actually beginning the conversation.
Akutagawa asked politely after he sipped some of his black coffee, "Um, why are we gathered here, then?"
Atsushi responded, "To talk about Dazai-san and Chuuya-san's wives, obviously!"
Yosano stared at them before muttering to Ranpo, They actually don't get it. Holy shit."
Ranpo snorted, "They are too simple-minded for the likes of us, Yosano-san."
Tachihara rolled his eyes, "Stop that, will ya? I don't see what there is talk about anyway. So, Dazai-san and Chuuya-san are married and have wives. What do we do about that?"
Higuchi spoke up, "Well, Tachihara-kun, don't you wanna know who Chuuya-san is married to? I'm curious to know."
Akutagawa coughed, "He is our superior. I don't think we have an business speculating on his personal life."
Gin whispered to Tachihara, who in turn spoke up to the rest of the group on her behalf, "Gin says that Hirotsu-san might know who Chuuya-san's wife is."
Ranpo sighed, "Finally! Someone has some relevant information."
Akutagawa ignored him, "I suppose Hirotsu-san might know. He's known Chuuya-san longer than any of us, after all."
Kenji looked up from his cake, "I want to know who Dazai-san is married to as well! I'm sure she is truly a wonderful person."
Higuchi wondered aloud, "I want to know what kind of person Chuuya-san's wife is. She must be truly kind, if Chuuya-san loves her."
Ranpo clapped his hands, "You guys are such idiots! All of you have met both, Mr. Fancy Hat's spouse and Dazai's spouse!
The weretiger blinked, "We have? I don't remember meeting any women with Chuuya-san. And Dazai-san flirts with every woman he sees."
Tachihara spoke up, "Dazai-san still flirts with women? Even though he's married now?"
Yosano provided him with new information, "Dazai said he's been married for four years already."
Tachihara whistled in response, "Whoa, that's how long Chuuya-san has been married too!:
The doctor smirked at him, "Your train of thought is correct. You're getting to the conclusion slowly."
Unnoticed by everyone (except Ranpo, of course), the door to the restaurant opened around this time, and two men in their twenties walked in slowly. The large group in the restaurant continued with their conversation, completely unaware of the presence of the two newcomers.
Higuchi suggested slowly, "Um, so... Does this mean that Dazai-san and Chuuya-san are actually really close friends who got married around the same time?"
Kenji added with excitement, "Maybe they had a double wedding!"
Ranpo and Yosano cried out in frustration simultaneously, "Oh my god, no! How are you guys so dense?!"
Chuuya, one of the two newcomers, chose that moment to come up to table and screamed, "Ha?! I am not close friends with the shitty bastard!!"
It was truly hilarious how everybody at the table paled instantly (except Ranpo and Yosano, obviously). Higuchi stammered, "Chuuya-san, this is not what it looks like-"
Tachihara looked between the door and his executive, "I was brought here against my will!" Of course, he got whacked by Gin for that statement.
Akutagawa meanwhile noticed Dazai-san trailing behind Chuuya and failed to mask his surprise, "Dazai-san?"
On noticing Dazai's arrival, Atsushi freaked out immediately, "Dazai-san! It is truly not what it looks like!"
Dazai slung an arm around Chuuya's shoulders, "So you guys aren't meeting without us to discuss about our marriage?"
Silence. And then all hell broke loose. Atsushi and Akutagawa stared at each other as the weretiger cried out, "What?! Our predecessors, who are supposed to be rivals, are actually married?!"
Higuchi and Tachihara gaped at their executive, "Chuuya-san, is this true?!"
Ranpo and Yosano were ready to fall out of their seats with laughter. Ranpo hollered to Dazai, "They actually thought that you and Mr. Fancy Hat had separate wives and got married around the same time!"
Gin whispered to Tachihara who spoke up on her behalf once again, "Yeah because Dazai-san and Chuuya-san are supposed to be sworn enemies! What normal person would come to the conclusion that the devastating rivals are married?!"
The female Akutagawa rolled her eyes at the extra emotion in Tachihara's voice. Kenji meanwhile bounded up to Chuuya and waved at him, "See, I told you guys! Dazai-san's wife is truly a wonderful person!"
Chuuya patted the young blond boy's head, "Thanks, kid."
Dazai complained, "Chuuya~! I want head pats too! Oh oops! I forgot Chibi is too tiny to reach the top of my head."
Chuuya glared at his wretched husband, "Are you trying to get me to murder your sorry ass?!"
The bandaged detective just rolled his eyes before wrapping his arms around the mafioso's shoulders. Atsushi merely gaped at them before speaking, "Um, would you guys like to join us for coffee and cake?"
Dazai sat down almost immediately, "Well, since you saved seats for us, it would be rude not to!"
Chuuya sat down as well, and nodded at Higuchi, "You guys seriously met up to discuss shitty Dazai's wife?"
Higuchi replied, embarrassment tinting her cheeks, "And your wife too. Ranpo-san invited us."
The executive snorted, "Of course, he did. Him and Yosano knew about it anyway."
Atsushi gaped at the doctor, "Yosano-san, you too?"
She winked at him, "Well, of course. Besides, Nakahara and I are friends, you know."
This was the moment that Atsushi decided that most of his life at the Agency was a lie. His mentor was married to the enemy, and the doctor who supposedly hates the Mafia with all her being is friends with said enemy. What's next? Kunikida-san being close friends with Black lizard?
Everyone at the table had lots of questions for the couple now, and to their surprise, Double Black agreed to tell them all about their marriage over coffee and cake. Throughout the gathering, Dazai kept annoying Chuuya, and the executive kept threatening to murder his "shitty bastard ass". But despite all of that, there was a hint of softness under all their actions. For example, how Chuuya took over Dazai's piece of cake when he was sure that the bandaged detective wouldn't be able to anymore.
Unknown to everyone else, their thighs were constantly touching under the table, and for most of the time, Chuuya always a had a hand around the other's wrist. And of course, both of them were wearing their rings on display. It was quite surreal, seeing the vicious duo, Double Black , as merely a married couple. But to everybody's surprise, the two of them being a married couple wasn't all that surprising, after the initial shock that is. They did bicker like an old married couple most of the time anyway. It was cute, really.
***
bestdoctor changed the group chat name to: soukoku fan club
michizoulol: hell yea i agree they be hella cute
akutagawa: do you realize they are still our superiors
imgin: who cares tho
notjinko: they are quite cute yes
higucci: is it just me or does chuuya-san actually look happy with him
imgin: not just u,, dazai-san was literally sparkling
michizoulol: ikr?? what was that?? i didnt know humans could sparkle
bestdoctor: u guys are such dorks ily guys
akutagawa: um
bestdetective: ignore her she's high on wine
-juni-churro is online-
juni-churro: wait whats going on?
kenjikun: we met dazai-san's wife!!
juni-churro: oh-?
imgin: its chuuya-san. chuuya-san is dazai-san's husband
juni-churro: ??????
morecrepespls: obviously
bestdetective: wait a min
bestdetective added kunikida.doppo to the chat
kunikida.doppo: Good Evening. What is this about?
bestdoctor: ew why u text like that
kunikida.doppo: Text like what, Yosano-sensei?
bestdoctor: JAIL HIM WTF
bestdetective: anyways,, kunikida-kun we are here to tell u that dazai is married to r=mr. fancy hat
juni-churro: again,, ???? !!!!!
kunikida.doppo: Excuse me, what?
bestdetective: yeah yeah u read that right. Double Black do be married tho LOL
notjinko: i think ranpo-san has started drinking as well. and kunikida-kun probably broke his pen
imgin: i mean wouldnt he break his phone screen rn tho
notjinko: wait ur right. oh no
bestdetective: oh no
Everyone: oh no
bestdetective added chuuyaisshort and stfudazai to the chat
chuuyaisshort: omg we get our own fan club? uwah how cool fufufu
stfudazai: stfu dazai
***
The night before in Chuuya and Dazai's shared penthouse:
The detective and the mafioso were having a quite dinner in the living room, watching some English movie Dazai had wanted to watch. Chuuya had made a wonderful new ramen recipe, and the two of them were having one of their normal nights.
Suddenly, the taller of them paused the movie, "Chibi~ Don't you think it's time?"
The mafia executive turned to look at his husband, "Eh? Time for what?"
Dazai's eyes twinkled, a bad sign in itself, "Time for us to reveal our rings, of course!"
Chuuya snorted, "You're just bored, aren't you?"
The other grinned, "Well, of course. But also, it'll be so funny, don't you think?"
The mafioso had nothing against the idea his husband had just proposed. He was looking forward to confusing his co-workers as well. Damn it. This was certainly that bastard's shitty mackerel-ness rubbing off on him.
Chuuya gave in, "Well fine. So what, we just display our rings at work tomorrow? Is that it?"
Dazai nodded before resting his chin on top of the shorter man's head, "Yeah, pretty much. I bet they'll think we both have wives."
The older of them spoke as he put the ramen bowls on the table, "Didn't Ranpo-kun make a group chat about this thing? I'm sure they'll figure it out."
Dazai shook his head, "No way! I bet they won't even think of us being married as a possibility."
Chuuya grinned at him, "Oh, you're on! Winner gets to traumatise them by giving them unnecessary, exaggerated details."
Dazai chuckled, the happiness evident on his face, "Deal, partner."
His partner kissed him softly, "You got it, partner."