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It happened like it had happened every other night that week. Chris got home from work, always the first one back, washed up the dishes from last night, kicked back on the sofa and switched on the PlayBox. It was the time of the year where the nights were their longest, so he didn’t even need to close the curtains to really immerse himself in the comforting blue glow of the television.
He’d only gotten an hour into Hawt Dawg Man: Revelations when the front door slammed and the all-too-familiar stomping of his boyfriend’s feet made their way down the hall and towards the lounge.
“Daniel?” He called out, though he didn’t know why he bothered anymore.
The door burst open, and he was blinded as the lounge light was turned out. Without even looking at him, Daniel strode through to the kitchen, clad in a heavy winter coat and dragging muddy, soaked footprints through the carpet that both of them had neglected for far too long anyway. Chris noticed that he was wearing his headphones, probably blasting tunes into his ears way louder than he should. At least he wasn’t just ignoring him this time.
Probably against his better judgement, Chris got up and followed him to the kitchen. Daniel had kicked his boots off next to the fridge and switched on the coffee machine. He turned around and finally met eyes with Chris. It wasn’t the tired look that took Chris aback, he was used to that feeling as well as the run up to Christmas was always a busy time, but the half-smile Daniel gave him. The sort that seems like the person isn’t even really seeing or acknowledging you. He didn’t even bother to take his headphones off, instead just shuffling past Chris and grabbing a wok from the cupboard.
As Daniel started frying some leftover rice with pre-prepared salt and pepper chicken, from behind, Chris pulled his headphones down, and wrapped his arms around his chest, nestling his head into the smaller man’s shoulder. His heart jumped as he felt Daniel’s cheek rub against his own. Just the smallest notion that he was really there.
“Are you making enough for both of us tonight?” Chris asked.
“I thought you didn’t like my chicken?”
“What? No, all I said was that I didn’t want to eat the same thing every night.”
“Fine, grab some more and I’ll make enough for two.”
Daniel moved his head away, and with it went the warmth. It had been like this now for the last few years, Daniel just seemed to shut down and had become an echo of the chatty, raucous self he used to be. If Chris didn’t love the bones of this man, he’d have run away a long time ago.
He passed Daniel the rest of the food, and pulled his coat off. “The kitchen’s gonna turn into a swimming pool if you don’t hang this up to dry,” he said dryly as he hung it on the back of the door. When he didn’t get a sarcastic response of ‘thanks Dad ’, he turned around to see Daniel had pulled his headphones back on.
He sighed. “Fine, I’ll go see if there’s anything on Netflix we can watch while we eat,’ he said, to a brick wall apparently.
He slouched back into the sofa and began flicking through. Drag Me to Hell ? Too bloody. Tenet ? Too long. Melancholia ? Too close to home… Finally, he settled on Home Alone, just as Daniel brought over the food.
“Looks delicious, like you, mi cielito .” Chris smirked as he took the bowl and tucked right in.
Daniel snorted, but didn’t say anything as he poked at his own food with his chopsticks. Chris rolled his eyes and went back to his bowl.
It was about halfway through the film when Chris’ patience finally broke. Daniel had left his half-eaten bowl of rice on the floor, and was scrolling through Instagram for what felt like the hundredth time in the last hour.
“Huh? How did the dude’s head catch on fire?” he asked mindlessly.
“If you were watching the film, you’d know,” Chris said, forcing himself not to say anything else.
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
Chris stared at him, incredulous. Did he seriously not notice how much he’d been staring at his phone for the last ten minutes? “Nothing’s changed, man. Maybe you could actually be here with me right now, instead of checking your messages every two seconds.”
“I am here. The fuck are you on about?”
Yeah, but you aren’t. You’re either checking your phone, or listening to music. You haven’t said a word to me in, like, the last hour.”
Daniel looked surprised, as if this wasn’t a conversation they’d had several times over just this month alone. “Sorry Chris, I’ve got a lot on at the moment, that’s all. Work stuff, got an essay due next week, Christmas is coming up, gotta make plans with Grandma and Grandpa. It’s all getting to me a bit.”
“Oh man, such avoidable, easily solvable problems. Whatever will you do?” Chris immediately regretted it, as soon as he’d said it, but he couldn’t stop himself.
“Look, dude, you know I’ve got seasonal affective disorder. Winter depression and all that, it all builds up. Everything will be fine when I stop leaving the house and coming back in the dark every day.”
“Weird, because it hasn’t just been the last few months. It’s been like this for a while. Winter depression? Sounds more like depression depression to me.” Chris snapped, and bit down angrily on a piece of chicken, as though that was meant to emphasise his point.
“Wow, okay then.” Daniel stood up, knocking his bowl over and spilling the food onto the carpet. He grabbed his coat and boots from the kitchen and started for the front hallway.
Chris wasn’t proud of this moment, and felt a sharp pang of regret in his stomach, almost like the rice and chicken were about to come right back up. “Where are you going?” he asked, standing up as well to follow.
“Just for a walk, until you chill the fuck out.” He didn’t say anything else before slamming the door behind him.
There wasn’t much to be done with Daniel, and Chris wouldn’t know where to begin if there was. Instead, he scooped up the bowl from the floor and attempted to pick up the runaway rice and chicken piece-by-piece. They’d argued before, plenty of times, but he’d never actually walked out. Usually, they’d get over it and things would go back to normal for a few days, before the cycle began again. Real healthy , Chris thought to himself. Maybe this was a long time coming. He’d been harsh, but everything he’d said was exactly how he felt, he just wished that Daniel could understand that.
He threw away the leftover food, stacked the bowls in the sink, and started working away at the stains left on the carpet. It took a while to figure out why all of this felt so familiar to him, but then the thought struck: this is exactly what he used to do when he was a kid after Dad had had too much to drink and had one of his ‘moments’. Back then, Dad would shout, rage about all of his problems, and storm off, leaving Chris alone in the house, sometimes for hours. He’d be left to pick up the pieces of glass, and bleach the floor before the whiskey left a mark.
This was different though, there wasn’t any alcohol-fueled anger – Daniel wasn’t his Dad, and Chris wasn’t a scared little boy anymore. They were both mature enough to be able to sort this shit out, surely?
He sighed and gave up on the floor, lying back and choosing to stare at the ceiling instead. His arms and legs felt so heavy and useless. Daniel had the power to move things with his mind, what Chris wouldn’t give to have a power of his own right now, the power to magically make him smile again. He grabbed his phone and sent a message.
Sorry for being such an asshole. Please come home?
Read: 20:04
Nothing, even for that weak-ass attempt at an apology.
Okay, this was going to take a more direct approach, and Chris was going to have to open himself up more than usual. They’d been together for six years, and had known each other for double that, but Chris still didn’t feel 100% comfortable being open with anyone. His emotions were his sanctuary – it had been that way for as long as he knew – and he’d always been able to keep himself in check without anyone’s help. But maybe what Daniel needed to see right now was his vulnerable side.
That was it.
Chris scraped himself from the floor, pulled on some boots, and rushed out of the apartment. He knew exactly where Daniel would be.
****
It was Seattle so, of course, it had started raining again after Chris had left. He was almost at Daniel’s sad boy location though, so there was no point going back for a jacket. It was just around the corner – 1452 Lame Avenue, as Daniel’s older brother had called it.
In the twelve years since the worst day of his boyfriend’s life, still, the house sat empty. At a guess, Chris just assumed no one wanted to live inside the home of the infamous ‘murderer’ who was still on the run – Sean Diaz. Even if it was a load of bullshit, at least it kept the house free for him and Daniel to buy when they both graduated college.
Sitting in the open rain was Daniel, somehow still completely dry. Chris could see the rain hitting bouncing off of an invisible bubble that enveloped him, of course.
“You’ve got superpowers, and this is how you use them?” He called out, trying not to take Daniel by surprise.
“How did you know I’d be here?” Daniel asked, nodding at Chris to sit down next to him.
“This is where you always go when you’re upset. I’ve known you for a long time, Daniel Diaz, you’re predictable.” He bumped his shoulder gently against Daniel’s, who bumped him back. “Hey, look. I meant what I said, I am sorry for being an asshole.”
“You were being an asshole,” Daniel said, lacing his arm around Chris’, “but I was as well. I didn’t want it to get any worse, so that’s why I walked out.”
Progress , Chris thought, but he knew there was more that was going unsaid. “Why did you get so wound up?”
“I just…” Daniel fumbled over his words and started picking at his fingers. “You’re right, I have been acting differently for a while, and I know I’m hard to be around sometimes. Dad’s gone, I barely hear from Mom anymore, and Sean is… well, you know. I have a lot of reasons to be miserable, and so do you, but you never seem to let it get to you. I’m worried that you’re going to get sick of me eventually.”
Chris was stunned, he knew he’d been complacent, but he didn’t expect it to be this bad. “Daniel, why would I ever get sick of you? I love you.” He noticed Daniel’s lips curl up with that, the first genuine smile from him he’d seen in god knows how long. “And I do struggle. There are some days when I wake up and don’t feel like I have the energy to even get out of bed and brush my teeth. I guess I’ve just always pulled myself through it on my own, ever since Mom died. There wasn’t anyone else to do it for me back then, so I had to do everything myself. I didn’t realise how much it alienated you.”
“It’s just hard to open up with someone who won’t do it back, you know? I thought if you can carry on and live like normal, then I could as well. But I can’t.” Daniel sniffed and wiped his nose with his sleeve.
“Hey, I’m sorry, I am.” Chris pulled him in for a hug and stroked his arm. “I’m sorry for being closed off, but please don’t think that I think any less of you because you’re not. I promise I’ll do better.” And he meant it, tonight had been the wake up call he needed.
“Me too,” Daniel said. “I’m sorry I left in such a state. I think I messed up the carpet?”
Chris let out a little laugh. “You did, but it’s fine. I’ll have you on the floor scrubbing it all night.”
“Pfft, yes Captain…” Daniel looked up and leaned towards Chris. “I love you too, by the way.”
Dropping everything, Chris leaned in as well, and he felt his lips brush against Daniel’s. The warmth of his boyfriend’s breath against his skin was a brief break, before being shocked back out of the moment by the freezing rain, now drenching them both anew.
Chris cocked an eyebrow and Daniel shrugged. “Guess I lost concentration.” He buried his head into Chris’ shoulder. “So what now? Aren’t you going to say ‘right let’s cheer up and go home’ or anything?”
“Oh Daniel, you don’t have to cheer up if you don’t feel like you can yet. I still love you just the same when you’re sad.”