Chapter Text
Dean’s eyes were darting between the timer and the Purgatory woods. There were three minutes until the portal would close, and Cas was nowhere in sight. He could not lose Cas again. Not again.
Dean got down on his knees. He concentrated on this prayer harder than he ever had before. He needed Cas to hear him. He needed Cas.
“Cas? Cas, I hope you can hear me... that wherever you are, it's not too late. I should've stopped you. You're my best friend, but I just let you go. 'Cause it was easier than admitting I was wrong. I don't know why I get so angry. I just know… I know that it's… i-it's just always been there. And when things go bad, it just… it comes out. And I can't… I can't stop it. No matter how… how bad I want to, I just can't stop it. And… and I-I forgive you. Of course I forgive you. I'm sorry it took me so long… I'm sorry it took me till now to say it. Cas, I'm… I'm so sorry. Man, I hope you can hear me. I hope you can hear me.”
He wiped his tears away and got up. He looked at the timer. There were ten seconds left. He walked up to the portal, looked around one last time, and stepped forward.
“Dean!”
Dean turned around so fast he almost fell. There was Cas, running toward him.
Dean was looking at Cas, smiling, and didn’t notice that the portal had begun to shrink.
“Dean! Go!” Cas yelled.
Dean turned around, but it was too late. The portal had closed.
Cas yelled and Dean ran toward him.
He wrapped his arms around Cas who grabbed him back even tighter.
“Dean… the portal.”
“You’re alive.”
“I got the blossom… I’m sorry it took so long… I’m so sorry, Dean. I didn’t know there was no time left.”
Dean broke away to look at him.
“Are you okay? What did they do to you?”
“What? I’m fine- Dean, we’re stuck here and Sam and Jack are in danger. Chuck is going to find them.”
“We’ll find a way out of this. We always do. Besides, I’m not worried. I have you,” Dean said with a smile. “We always make a great team.”
Cas looked at him like he was trying to solve a puzzle, “Why are you so calm, Dean?”
“Because I thought you were dead, Cas,” the words come pouring out of him, like a pot boiling over, “I thought I was gonna have to go through that portal without you. But now you’re here, and…” Dean avoided looking into Cas’ eyes, “I’d rather be in Purgatory with you, than over there without you. I just… I can’t lose you again.”
Cas opened his mouth to say something, but no sound came out, so Dean kept talking as he focused on looking anywhere but Cas’ face.
“I was so scared, Cas. How could I go back and face the kid without you? Hell, I even prayed to you, man.”
“I know. I heard you.”
Dean looked into Cas’ eyes. He felt a mix of relief, fear and guilt. He didn’t know Cas still listened to his prayers. Sometimes he would pray to Cas just to curse him out, thinking that he wasn’t listening. Sometimes he would just tell him about his day.
“Do you… hear all of my prayers?”
Cas nodded slowly.
“Fuck, man, I’m sorry. I’m a real asshole, I didn’t think you still listened.”
“I always listen to you, Dean.”
Dean wanted to tell Cas that meant a lot to him, but he was pretty sure his expression had told Cas that already. Sometimes wearing your heart on your sleeve is helpful. Sometimes.
“Well, I guess we should get started looking for the portal.”
“The portal isn’t going to open back up, Dean.”
“Not that portal, the other portal. The portal me and Benny used last time we were here.”
“We only found that portal because Benny knew where it was. It could take us a long time to find it, and who knows what Chuck could do by then? And that’s if we can even find it.”
“Well do you have a better idea, Little Miss Sunshine?”
Cas shot him a look and Dean couldn’t help but smile. Sure, it was a terrible situation they were in, but Dean had this selfish feeling bubbling in his chest since they had hugged. And he tried to push it down, but he couldn’t stop it. There was this nagging voice in his head telling him that at least now Cas couldn’t leave him. He couldn’t poof away and make excuses for his leaving. Cas was stuck with him, and there was nothing he could do about it.
Since Cas indeed did not have a better idea, they set about looking for the portal.
They walked for a while in silence.
“So,” Dean turned to Cas and broke the silence, “how did you get away from those guys?”
“I chopped off their heads,” he answered monotonously.
Dean smiled and looked away from him.
“You know,” he began slowly, “this is the most time we’ve spent together in… a while.”
Cas just kept walking, looking very focused on his path.
“Jack says the bunker feels weird without you.”
Cas slowed his pace, not enough to be significant, but enough for Dean to see that his words do, indeed, have some sort of impact on Cas.
“I wish I could be at the bunker more,” Cas broke his silence.
“Why can’t you?” What was it about Purgatory that made Dean so bold? Last time he was here, he had sex with a male vampire. More times than he’d like to admit. But it didn’t count, he told himself. It’s Purgatory. It’s not the real world. He’s dead. He’s allowed to indulge in things he wouldn’t even try to pursue in real life. And now that he and Cas will probably be stuck here forever, well… maybe he can tap into the thoughts he stored at the back of his brain, behind a door that he locked the last time he left Purgatory.
Dean could feel Cas thinking. He wasn’t usually in tune with other people’s- or angels’- minds, but something about Purgatory heightened his senses. He could feel every leaf crumble under his boots, was aware of the bugs crawling on the branch he just walked by, and knew that it would start to rain in about ten minutes.
“I have… other important obligations that I need to take care of.” Dean could tell that Cas chose these words carefully.
“What obligations?”
“Things to do with heaven. They need help up there, with only 6 angels left.”
Dean nodded. It was a solid answer that he couldn’t argue with, so he left it for the time being.
“It’s gonna rain soon,” he said. “Which means it’ll get dark earlier. We should find somewhere to stay for the night. If my memory is right, there should be a cave nearby.”
Sure enough, within ten minutes they found the cave. Dean crawled inside, with Cas right behind him. The entrance was narrow, but it opened up to be big enough for three people to sit comfortably in. It was surprisingly unoccupied.
There was a hole in the ceiling of the cave, like a skylight that let light in.
Dean and Cas sat at opposite walls of the cave, the distance between them felt much larger than it really was.
Cas wanted to talk to Dean so badly. He wanted to tell him everything, from his deal with The Empty to what he’d been doing while he was trying to stay away from Dean. Until this whole Chuck nonsense is resolved and Jack is safe, he couldn’t risk experiencing true happiness and being taken away. Which meant that he had to stay away from Dean as much as possible.
But now that he was stuck in a cave in Purgatory with Dean, he was internally panicking. He wracked his brain for sad things, but every time he looked at Dean, those thoughts vanished.
He suddenly got a pain in his arm, and looked down and saw that he was bleeding. He must have gotten hurt while he was getting away. He healed himself, then had an idea. If he was in physical pain, how could he experience true happiness and peace?
So when he looked at Dean, he brought his right hand under his left coat sleeve and pinched his wrist. He winced, and then let out a sigh of relief at his plan. Try and take me now, Empty bitch, he thought to himself.
“You okay?” Dean asked after Cas sighed.
Cas smiled at him, “Yes, Dean.” Cas said and reached into his sleeve again.
“Well, it’s getting dark. We should get some rest- or at least… I should.”
“Of course, Dean.”
Dean laid down and tried to get comfortable. It took a few minutes of squirming around on the cold cave floor before he could at least pretend to be comfortable. Then he felt like he was being watched. He opened his eyes and in the dim light was able to see Cas staring at him.
“Look man, I know you don’t need to sleep, but I do, and I won’t be able to if I know you’re just sitting there staring at me all night.”
“Do you want me to leave?”
“No, just… lay down, will you?”
Cas awkwardly slid to the floor. They were facing each other, and Dean longed to close the distance between them.
He pretended that he was cold and shivered, so he would have an excuse to move closer to Cas.
They were now pretty close to each other, and Cas felt his heart swell. So when he looked at Dean's face, inches away from him and saw his lips parted, and imagined kissing him… he pinched himself. Hard. He tried not to grimace from the pain as he looked into Dean’s eyes. The most beautiful shade of green he had ever seen. And it took everything in his body and true form not to tell Dean he loved him right then and there.
And Dean was licking his lips and figuring out how to ask Cas if he could kiss him. When he had formed the words in his mind, Cas said, “You should get some sleep, Dean. We should start looking for the portal again as soon as the sun rises.”
Dean swallowed his words. “Right. Well, goodnight, Cas.”
“Goodnight, Dean.”
Dean closed his eyes. He couldn’t believe that he was sleeping so close to Cas. Not that he’s ever pictured sleeping next to Cas, but if he did, it would be in his bed in the bunker after a long fun day out with Jack. And they'd put Jack to bed and close his door. And then they'd look at each other. And neither of them would have to say anything, they'd just know. And Cas would follow Dean to his room. And when the door was closed Cas would kiss him against it. And it would start out soft, because Cas wouldn’t want to cross any lines, but Dean would kiss him back passionately, to tell him that yes, he’s been reading him right all along. He does want him. He wants him so bad it’s eating him alive. He wants him so bad that every time Cas leaves he takes a piece of Dean with him. And Cas would pin him to the wall, and kiss him so hard that Dean would be breathless. And then Cas would carry him to bed and fuck him. He would fuck Dean mercilessly. He would fuck Dean like he hates him for all the times he’d been an asshole. And then he would make Dean cum with such tenderness that he would cry. And he would hold Dean after, and he’d fall asleep in Cas’ arms.
But he really didn't think about it that much, so he was able to fall asleep thinking about anything but the fact that Cas was laying right next to him, with his face close enough to touch, with his neck close enough to kiss. And if he moved closer to Cas, that was just because he was cold.
And Cas didn’t know that Dean was still awake when he moved closer to him, and Dean didn’t know that as Cas felt Dean’s chest against his, that he was pinching himself so hard that he bled.