Work Text:
This was the stupidest thing they’ve ever done. And yet, somehow, it was successful.
It starts off like this: the three first-years are in Gojo’s classroom on a hot summer’s day for a mission briefing, except that Gojo-sensei is always fashionably late, leaving the three first years with absolutely no supervision whatsoever. So Nobara takes the position of being their teacher in the meantime.
Operation: Get Geto a Girlfriend
is largely written across the blackboard in Nobara’s neat handwriting.
“Do you understand what we have to do?” Nobara asks commandingly, slapping the blackboard behind her.
Megumi grunts. Yuuji tilts his head questioningly. “I actually don’t,” he admits.
Nobara sighs as he rubs her forehead. “What could you possibly not understand? It’s the simplest damn thing ever. It’s in the title.”
“Why are we doing this again?”
“Because!” Because she’s bored right now. “Because Geto-sensei deserves it!”
“Ew, no,” Megumi says with feeling. When Nobara raises her hammer and glares at him, he quickly adds, “It’s not like he’s ever done anything for us.”
“He’s not Gojo-sensei,” she argues.
“And…?”
“He would never leave us to boil in a stupid old classroom like this.”
Megumi sighs. She has a point.
“She’s got a point,” Itadori says thoughtfully. “Plus it’s kinda sad to see Geto-sensei so tired recently. Maybe it would be a nice change of mood for him to go on a date or two.”
“See, Yuuji gets it!” Nobara grins, punching the teacher’s table excitedly.
“Okay,” Megumi relents because he has no choice; it's two out of three votes now. “But who would you even set Geto up with?”
***
“Geto-sensei, who do you want us to set you up with?”
This was probably the worst thing they’ve ever thought of doing. Megumi wants to hide in a hole forever and never come out. How he was roped into this, he will never understand.
(All it took was Itadori giving him puppy eyes.)
Geto looks down at them, confused. “Pardon?”
“We’ve been thinking,” Nobara starts, “that we want to get you a date that you deserve!”
He raises an eyebrow, and there’s a hint of mirth dancing in his eyes. “Oh, is that so?”
“Yeah, we just wanted to… uh…” Nobara turns to the both of them for help, but Megumi is fresh out of ideas.
Luckily, Itadori is prepared as always. “We wanted to thank you for being a great teacher!”
“Unlike some other white-haired menace that we won’t name…” Megumi mutters under his breath.
Geto laughs. “I appreciate it but I’m not really looking to date…”
“But has it never crossed your mind?” Nobara asks persistently.
Geto is clearly caught off guard. “Errr, maybe? But I’m already —“
“Come on, Geto-sensei,” Nobara pleads while Itadori brings out the infamous shiny puppy-eyes. “Let us do this one good thing for you!”
Geto closes his eyes and sighs. “Alright, fine, but don’t be disappointed if it doesn’t work out.”
“Don’t worry sensei,” Itadori says, just as excited as Nobara now, “we’ve got your back!
“Yes, yes,” Nobara continues, “and so we wanna know what kind of person you’d like to date!”
Geto hums as he taps his chin, thinking of his answer carefully. “Perhaps someone who’s cute or pretty —“
“Cute or pretty,” Itadori repeats as he writes them on a little notepad, as per Nobara’s instructions.
“ — but also strong and independent —“
Nobara nods her head in approval.
“ — and someone rich would be quite nice —“
Megumi rolls his eyes.
“ — and well, someone I’d just get along with well, no matter what. In the end, a great relationship is built on a great friendship, don’t you think? Well, good luck finding one. I can’t wait to see who you come up with.”
Geto waves at them as he exits the classroom, leaving the three in silence to think of potential candidates for Geto’s future date. Nobara looks at the list again and bonks Itadori’s head.
“Ow! What was that for?” Itadori whines.
“You have the worst handwriting I’ve ever seen.”
***
“So, someone who’s pretty,” Itadori wonders out aloud in their meeting room (a.k.a. the dining room, where Nobara has propped a whiteboard up). “That’s quite a wide selection.”
“But we also have strong and independent,” Megumi points out uninterestedly, “and, well… rich, I guess.”
Nobara clacks her tongue. “You’re all surface-level idiots,” she says, glaring at them. “The most important part is clearly being friends. It also would lessen the radar significantly, don’t you think?”
Itadori brightens up. “You’re a genius!”
“Of course I am,” Nobara says with a smirk. “Now, who are Geto-sensei’s friends?”
They sit in silence for a while, thinking.
Thinking.
Thinking…
“Geto-sensei doesn’t really have a lot of friends, does he?” Itadori finally voices out their collective thoughts.
“I mean there’s Gojo-sensei…” Megumi says flatly.
Nobara shudders.
“Well, he also talks to Utahime often,” Itadori offers, “not only for setting up school events and such, but also just to hang out with fellow teachers, right?”
“Now we’re getting somewhere!” Nobara says, giving Itadori the biggest thumbs up she can.
“Going by that, he also talks to Shoko-san often,” Megumi offers, and he makes a mental note to apologize to Shoko in the future.
“That’s true. We’re adding her to the list then,” Nobara says as she starts writing on the whiteboard. “But we need more than two….”
“Maybe Meimei?” Itadori offers.
Nobara and Megumi whip their heads to stare at him. “Why?” Megumi asks. “I don’t think Meimei would ever agree.”
“I — I mean it can’t hurt to try right? Who knows, they might actually end up liking each other if we tried to set them up.”
“Set who up?” A familiar voice pipes up. Gojo enters the room, wearing a casual white sweater and ripped denim jeans. He’s also happily sipping on one of those sickeningly sweet frappuccinos.
Megumi groans to himself. The one person he hoped wouldn’t find out about this.
“We’re trying to set up a date for Geto-sensei,” Itadori replies, a little too happy about seeing Gojo for someone who was beaten up by him a few hours ago.
Gojo stops in his tracks, staring at the whiteboard.
For a while, Megumi thinks Gojo might cackle, or tell them they’re dumb for trying to set Geto up with somebody. What he does not expect is for Gojo to calmly say, “Oh. Why though?”
If Megumi thinks hard enough, he would be able to tell the reason for the strange, low tone in Gojo’s voice. But for now, he’s too embarrassed for all of them for his brain to function properly.
Itadori scratches at his head and looks to Nobara for the answer. “Because he deserves it,” Nobara says.
Gojo raises an eyebrow. “What did he ever do for you guys?”
“He doesn’t leave us in that dusty old classroom to boil to death,” Megumi answers because he dislikes Gojo so much that he’d rather defend Nobara’s strange antics.
“What?”
“Every. Single. Day.” Nobara grits out through her teeth, punching the whiteboard. “You come to class late. Parading your ice cold drinks. And you don’t even get us any!”
“Well, he does treat us, sometimes,” Itadori tries to defend.
“See, Yuuji gets it!” Gojo exclaims, moving to hug him. Megumi fights to urge to slap Gojo away. “This is why Yuuji’s my favorite!”
“You stay out of this!” Nobara screeches, pointing a finger at Itadori. “And you stay away from him!” she adds to Gojo.
Gojo immediately raises his arms in defeat and backs away. Megumi makes a mental note to get Nobara that one tracksuit she so badly wanted.
“Either way,” Gojo says, “I want in!”
Nobara stares at him. “You want to help us set up a date for Geto-sensei?”
“Yes.”
“Why?”
“Why not? It seems like fun,” he says slyly, looking at them over the rim of his shades. “I can’t wait to see how this plays out! Plus, we might learn a thing or two about Geto-sensei, don’t you think?”
***
Megumi really reconsiders this entire curse sorcerer thing as they sit in one of the meeting rooms, waiting for the teachers’ meeting to end. Gojo had promised that he would take Utahime here afterwards for their first candidate meeting.
Maybe he can live as a normal person instead. Get a nice office job so that he could buy a nice house and propose to Itadori.
He grips his own knees tightly as he mentally slaps himself. Thankfully, Utahime finally enters with Gojo. She looks utterly cautious and slightly confused, seeing the three of them in the room.
“So, I heard you had a proposal for me?” Utahime asks them as she sits on the couch. Gojo takes a seat on the opposite end.
Nobara kicks Itadori, and he yelps as he quickly gets up to fetch the tea and snacks they prepared for her.
“We just wanted to know what your potential type in men are,” Nobara says sweetly as Itadori hands her (and Gojo) teacups.
Utahime looks at them suspiciously as she takes a sip of her drink. “This is what you called me in for?”
“Yes,” Nobara answers.
“Why?”
“Because…”
“Because they’re trying to set up a date for Sugu— Geto-sensei,” Gojo answers for them, sounding way too amused as he leans on one hand, swirling his drink with the other. “And they think you’d be a great candidate!”
Utahime looks at them, deadpanned. “You’re joking.” She turns to Nobara. “That was a joke, right?”
Nobara looks away and scratches awkwardly behind her ear. “Err, no.”
Utahime turns to look at Gojo. They seem to have a psychic conversation for a while before Utahime sighs, defeated. “I’m sorry but I’m not really interested in dating Geto.”
“But have you ever tried?” Nobara tries to press.
Utahime looks up, asking for patience. “No. Because he’s not really my type in the first place.”
“I mean why not though,” Itadori tries this time, “Geto-sensei seems nice enough. He’s kind and gentle when he wants to be, and he seems like the type to treat you well, especially when you date.”
“First of all, I wouldn’t want to date someone who constantly looks down at me,” Utahime says, and Gojo snorts, “and second of all, that’s what you assume. Which is false.”
“How would you know that your assumption is correct though?” Nobara asks.
“Well…” Utahime starts, and she side-eyes Gojo before continuing, “let’s just say I have some sources.”
The three of them stare at Gojo.
“Gojo-sensei, has Geto-sensei ever dated anyone before?” Megumi asks suspiciously. They’ve planned all this in front of him and he’s contributed absolutely no information on Geto, and this somehow slips past the three of them. They’re all really stupid.
“Who knows?” Gojo simply answers, and Utahime rolls her eyes at him.
“I guess you can say yes,” Utahime informs them instead. “He’s not new to dating. And I’m not really fond of his… dating habits.”
“So, why not give it a shot anyway?” Nobara asks persistently. It was kind of terrifying how much she’s putting into this stupid plan. “You know he’s got the experience.”
“Don’t be stupid,” Utahime replies, putting her cup down and preparing to leave. “He’s probably not changed a single bit with his dating, and probably never will.”
“Wha —“
“For the record, Geto might want someone… who’s a bit closer here. In Tokyo,” she hints. They watch as she gracefully thanks them for the tea and walk out of the room.
There is silence as they try to absorb the new hint they got. Gojo only chuckles at them as he follows Utahime to accompany (a.k.a. pester the living hell out of) her.
***
They’re back in their meeting room, and their little circle has expanded to somehow include the second years now. Megumi feels his sanity slowly going down the drain as he tries to think of how Nobara managed to drag more people into this mess. He decides that they’re all just insane from all this curse work. Either that, or Maki actually likes Nobara back and is humoring her too, dragging all her classmates with her.
Huh.
Nobara’s snapping at him brings him back to their current meeting. “Earth to Fushiguro,” she says, glaring at him. “We need your input here.”
“We should probably go to Meimei next,” he says, not really caring either way. “She probably knows something about Geto’s dating history.”
“But Shoko might be easier to talk to,” Itadori reasons out. Megumi wants to kiss him for being smart. But not now.
“That may be true, but I would have to go with Fushiguro here,” Maki says cooly. “We can probably bribe Meimei into a date with Geto-sensei. And if she refuses, we can then go to Shoko as a last resort. What do you think?”
Megumi thinks that she’s thinking about this way too seriously for what started out as a damn joke. But he doesn’t have the balls to say that to her face.
“Tuna mayo,” Inumaki says in agreement.
“Sorry Itadori,” Panda says, “it looks like we're going with Megumi’s suggestion.”
Itadori shrugs. “That’s okay. I trust Megumi more than I trust myself.”
Megumi thinks of every cruel curse he can think of as he tries to still his beating heart.
“But we don’t even have enough money to bribe Meimei for anything,” Panda says thoughtfully. “What are we going to do about that?”
Nobara smirks at him as she pulls out a black, shiny card. “Gojo-sensei’s not going to be part of this plan for nothing.”
Maki looks so proud of her.
***
“Oh my, this is quite the huge meeting,” Meimei comments as her eyes survey all the students in the meeting room, one of the bigger ones to fit them all.
Nobara stands at the end of the table, taking authority as always.
“Yes, we wanted to offer you a proposal,” Nobara starts, her game face on.
“Let’s hear it.”
“We want to know how interested you are in the prospect of dating Geto-sensei,” Nobara tells her straight to the point.
Meimei laughs openly. “In what world would you ever think I’d want to date him of all people?”
Nobara was prepared for it this time. She takes out Gojo’s card and slams it on the table.
“Hey, wait a minute,” Gojo says, squinting through his blindfold, “when did you take that?”
“We’re prepared to pay you,” Nobara says, ignoring Gojo.
Meimei stops laughing. She raises a delicate eyebrow at her and thinks for a moment. “You know, I do like money,” she says carefully.
Nobara’s eyes light up in hope. Gojo starts fidgeting in his seat.
“But really, you can probably only afford one date with me,” she says with a smirk. “Even with Gojo’s entire fortune.”
“Please don’t encourage them,” Gojo says, a mild panic in his voice.
Nobara grabs both Itadori and Megumi and forces them into a huddle. “So, do you think it’s worth it?” she whispers to them.
“Probably not,” Megumi says back in a low voice. He doesn’t understand the need for the huddle — everyone can clearly hear them regardless. “The point of this entire thing is to actually find someone Geto would like, isn’t it?”
“But we have such limited options!” Nobara says frustratedly.
“Megumi has a point though,” Itadori says, not bothering to whisper either. “I’d say it’s better to just go for others in the list.”
“We only have one more person left in the list,” Maki pipes up from somewhere behind them.
“I know!” Nobara exclaims, tugging at her perfect, freshly-dyed hair. “I didn’t think this would be that hard!”
“How about this,” Meimei offers, “you can probably pay me for information instead.”
“Shake?” Inumaki asks.
“You can tell us who Geto-sensei would want to date?” Nobara asks excitedly.
“Don’t be ridiculous, of course not,” she replies sweetly. “But I can tell you who the best person to ask for information about Geto is.”
They all stare at her.
“Isn’t that just Gojo-sensei?” Itadori asks, once again voicing out everyone’s thoughts.
“As if I’d tell you guys anything after you stole my card,” Gojo says childishly.
“We can also just go to Shoko,” Megumi points out. “Which we were planning to do anyway.”
“Oh would you look at that,” Meimei says, “it looks like the youth aren’t as lost as I thought after all.”
Gojo snatches his card back and hides it in his pocket. “Well, now that this is over, who wants some ice cream? My treat, today, for being smart kids and not getting me bankrupt.”
***
Nobara glares at both Megumi and Itadori as she bites into her parfait. “This is our last option. We can’t fuck it up.”
“I really doubt Shoko would want to date Geto,” Megumi says honestly because he wants to save them all from the embarrassment of having to ask.
“That’s true,” Itadori mumbles into his melting popsicle stick. “They’re all classmates from years ago, right? He would have done something if he wanted to date Shoko.”
Nobara squints her eyes at Itadori. “Will you please stop agreeing with Megumi? Just because you dorks are in love…” she mumbles towards the end.
What. What. “What?!” Megumi splutters. “Excuse me?”
When Megumi turns to look at Itadori, he sees the teen’s face is as pink as his hair. He thinks he might be the same shade soon, too.
“Focus!” Nobara scolds them. “We only have this one option left. If we can’t get it through with Shoko, we’re absolutely doomed.”
“Or,” Megumi suggests, exhausted, “we can just give up and tell Geto-sensei that we’re sorry.”
“No. We’re seeing this to the end.”
Megumi sighs. Why Nobara is so stubborn about this, he’ll never understand.
***
“No,” Shoko says when the three of them show up in her laboratory.
Nobara splutters and loses her composure immediately. Megumi resists the urge to facepalm and tell Nobara ‘I told you so,’ because he doesn’t want to die yet. Especially not here in Shoko’s laboratory. If he dies, it better be in Itadori’s arms.
He facepalms at himself, and Nobara turns to glare at him.
“But we haven’t even said anything yet,” Itadori says to Shoko, confused.
“You’re gonna ask me if I want to date Suguru,” Shoko states as-a-matter-of-fact, putting a hand on her hip. “The answer is no. Never.”
There is one (1) beat of silence before Nobara screeches and goes on a quick, loud rant. “What?! I can’t believe this! Geto-sensei isn’t even that bad, how come no one wants to date him?! Is love really all this hopeless? Am I ever gonna be able to confess to Maki-senpai? I can’t even set up a simple man! Not that Geto-sensei is the easiest person, but still!! He’s way better than Gojo-sensei! What has my life come to?!”
Megumi raises an eyebrow. So that was her hidden agenda all along.
Shoko sighs as she sets her report papers down. “If I promise to get you the perfect date for Geto, will you finally stop bugging everyone?”
Nobara immediately stops and looks at her with shining eyes. “Really? You’d do that for us?” But then she suddenly switches and squints — “Wait, what’s the catch here?”
“The catch is that you kids aren’t gonna interfere,” Shoko says irritatedly, “and you don’t get to complain.”
Nobara turns to them. “What do you guys think?”
Shoko raises an eyebrow. “You don’t trust me?”
“I think,” Megumi says carefully, “that we should take the offer. We don’t really have much of a choice. And we’re sorry, Shoko-san, we don’t distrust you, it’s just that Nobara wants it to be perfect.”
Nobara nods vigorously.
“Don’t worry about it,” Shoko says, a hint of slyness underneath the tired smile, “I’m setting you up for success. Now go leave, unless you want to watch me dissect this.”
They all leave.
***
The day of the date.
Nobara quickly paces back and forth, making dents in the soft grounds of the training field as she mumbles a long string of rants, too fast for Megumi’s tired brain to absorb at the moment. To his side, Itadori is snacking on some honey butter chips, and to Itadori’s side is Geto looking unimpressed.
“Geto-sensei, are you sure that’s the best outfit you have in your closet?” Nobara asks wearily for the umpteenth time. “Maybe I can go in and have a look —”
Geto closes his eyes momentarily and sighs. He turns to Megumi and asks, “Is it really that bad?”
Megumi eyes his teacher’s outfit — a simple long-sleeved turtleneck that hugged at his body, paired with black, ripped, skinny jeans, and a casual pair of sneakers that looked pretty clean for something he’s owned for years.
“I mean it looks okay,” Megumi states uninterestedly. When Nobara glares at him, he adds, “It’s not hideous at least. It’s casual and friendly. Better than a neon blue dress.”
“That’s true, that seems like something Gojo-sensei would show up with…” Nobara mutters under her breath. She then suddenly grabs at her hair and yells. “Where the fuck is she?!”
“Where the fuck is who?” Itadori asks back.
“Where’s the date?!”
“Who is the date, even?” Geto asks, crossing his arms over his chest. “That’s the real question.”
“I don’t know!” Nobara exclaims.
Geto narrows his eyes. “What do you mean, you don’t know?”
“Do you think we should run soon?” Itadori whispers to Megumi, and god, he’s way too close that Megumi doesn’t think to reply. He doesn’t even notice the glare Geto shoots their way.
“I mean I don’t know! The list was too damn short, and we kept asking everyone, but everyone said no and I don’t fucking understand why! It’s not like we’re asking them to date Gojo-sensei! So we resorted to asking Shoko-san to —”
Geto raises an eyebrow. “You asked Shoko?”
“ — to set you up instead, but then what if she was pulling our leg? What if there is no date? What if we’re just wasting our goddamn time when I could be out here planning my own confession and date plans and — I’m so stupid, I should have just done that instead —”
Someone whistles loudly.
“Yahoo! Suguru, your beloved date is here!” a mock high-pitched voice comes from behind them.
Megumi shouldn’t have turned to look. He should have just taken Itadori’s hand and ran off with him. But no, Megumi turns his head and finds his beloved teacher , Gojo, wearing a frilly, neon blue dress, a clumsy white wig, the outfit completed with matching makeup and bright, red lipstick.
Gojo blows a kiss at them all.
Nobara looks like she’s one minute away from causing a Jujustu High genocide, while Itadori looks like he’s halfway through laughing but also throwing up. Megumi eyes Geto-sensei worriedly, but to his surprise —
Geto only laughs brightly and freely, and walks over to Gojo, cupping Gojo’s cheeks with his hand.
“You look… pretty today,” Geto says amusedly.
“Of course, darling!” Gojo says enthusiastically, “I got all dolled up just for our date today! I had to make it extra special because our dear students were kind enough to set this date up for us. They even had reservations and everything!”
Geto snorts. "Wasn't it technically Shoko who set it up?"
"Now, now, let's play nice today, shall we?" Gojo says, grinning.
Geto tugs at the hems of the dress curiously. “Oh? It's actually nice. Where’d you get this dress?”
“I bought it myself.”
“And your makeup?”
“Shoko sent me a tutorial video.”
Nobara opens her mouth to say something, but Geto pulls Gojo’s head and kisses him, smearing red lipstick all over their faces. Megumi sees a simple ring on Geto’s finger, silently gleaming under the beginnings of a sunset, and he wonders how he’s never noticed it before — the ring, the laughs, the teasing, the rooms they share, the way they look at each other, their whole dynamic, and just them.
Megumi can’t find it in himself to be disgusted. His teachers — his kind-of-fathers — are happy together. Still, he pulls a disgusted face for measure, before boldly grabbing Itadori’s hand and tugging as a silent initiative for them to leave.
And when Itadori tightens his grip and lets himself get whisked away, Megumi thinks everything is okay in the end.
*** bonus 1 ***
Once they’ve escaped their teachers and Nobara has run off elsewhere, Megumi finds himself miraculously still holding Itadori’s hand. His heart is beating so loudly that he’s sure Itadori can feel it through his fingers.
“I didn’t expect Geto-sensei and Gojo-sensei to be married!” Itadori exclaims normally, unaware of Megumi’s internal dialogue. “Did you know anything about this, Fushiguro?”
“No,” Megumi manages to say, “I honestly didn’t. But it makes sense.”
Itadori stares into space as he thinks. Megumi watches as his eyes gloss over, his short eyelashes blinking in the dim lights of the classroom they’re hiding in. He wants to do nothing more than just grab Itadori’s fluffy cheeks, smoosh them in his hands, and kiss him breathlessly.
Before he can do anything, Itadori turns to him with a huge grin on his face. “You’re right. Makes me believe in love more.”
Megumi stops breathing. He stops breathing and is fuelled by this growing infatuation, coursing through his entire body. “Wanna give it a spin?” he asks boldly.
Itadori’s cheeks slowly turn as pink as his hair. “Are you asking me out?”
Megumi looks down at their intertwined hands and grips tighter. Itadori squeaks and reciprocates the gesture, understanding the silent answer.
“Sure,” Itadori says, chuckling. “I’d love to go on dates with you. Let’s find out how love works together, Fushiguro!”
*** bonus 2 ***
The day after the success-slash-fiasco-depending-on-how-you-look-at-it, Nobara rushes into the kitchen at breakfast, surprising everyone. She looks like she’s just ran a mile, which she actually has done to pump herself up with adrenaline.
“Maki-senpai!” she shouts at the top of her lungs, the entirety of Tokyo hearing her, “Please go out with me!”
There is silence as everyone turns to look at Maki, who blinks and smirks.
“Sure,” she says easily, an uncharacteristically gentle smile on her face, “I’ve been waiting for you to ask that for a while now.”
“Yes!” Nobara shouts, running away again, gone as quickly as she entered.
Inumaki looks at Maki questioningly. Maki simply shrugs.
“Tuna.” Inumaki says in understanding. They resume browsing through their phones quietly, and if Maki has a bright smile on her face, no one comments on it.