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The bottles of beer on the table covered more area than the wood it was made out of. Korra had lost count a while ago. She almost always did. She sat there; glaring at the clock as if it would somehow make everything better. Sometimes she wished it would. She wished she could go back to the times where everything was less complicated. Where loving Asami was as easy and as natural as breathing. But those times were long gone. These days, she spent more time wondering why they were even still trying than anything else.
It was nearing four am and Asami still wasn’t home from the office. Korra knew what she would say when she finally walked through the door. ‘There was no helping it. I’m the head engineer. They need me.’ Korra stopped asking if it mattered to her that she also needed her a long time ago.
She wasn’t sure why she stayed awake waiting for her anymore. If she would have to make a guess, it would be that there was still some small hope inside of her that Asami would surprise her. Maybe one day she would come home early like she promised. Or they would go out for dates like they used to.
Korra ran her hands over her face and sighed. She thought about leaving a lot these days. She was growing tired of fighting for a love that she was sure no longer existed for Asami. She couldn’t even fully convince herself of its existence anymore. She thought about how much easier it would be for both of them if they were no longer together. They wouldn’t fight anymore. They wouldn’t even have to physically see each other anymore. Asami could work to her hearts content without worrying about having to tend to Korra. And Korra could live a life that didn’t revolve around trying to resuscitate a relationship that was already dead.
But yet… thinking about it brought her to tears. Loving Asami was all she’s known for so long. They had been through hell and back together more times that she can count. Even at their lowest moments, they still found their way back to each other. Korra just wasn’t sure if that would happen this time.
The door opened and shut from the next room and Korra knew Asami was home. The sound of her heels came closer and closer until her girlfriend was standing in the doorway of the dining room.
Korra fought to raise her head to meet her gaze. Even drunk, she knew it wasn’t a friendly one. Asami was never really happy to see Korra these nights.
“Jesus, Korra. It smells like you drank out an entire fucking brewery in here.” Asami muttered as she grabbed the trashcan and moved it over to the kitchen table.
“Happy to see you too, Honey.” Korra slurred back sarcastically.
Asami scoffed and rolled her eyes. “Would you be happy if you came home to see me like this?”
“I would be happy to see you at all.”
Asami paused for a moment and looked at Korra. They had had this argument dozens – if not hundreds – of times. She could tell that Asami was tired of going over it, especially when Korra was drunk. But Korra needed have it one last time. Just once more before she made a final decision.
“Korra, don’t start.” Asami warned as she began collecting bottles from the table.
“So you expect me to just sit here and wait for you with my mouth shut like a loyal fucking puppy?”
“I never said that. You’re drunk-“
“And why do you think that is, Asami?”
Asami dropped the bottles in the trashcan and stood up straight – hands on her hips and a glare in her eyes. “You don’t want to start this conversation right now, Korra.”
“No! No, I do! Let’s have a conversation without me having to make a fucking appointment.”
“So I’m the bad guy here?! Excuse me for having a career and a life that doesn’t revolve around this relationship. God, you’re like… Obsessed with this!”
Korra shouldn’t have been surprised by the words that were leaving her girlfriends lips. She really shouldn’t have been. But she still was. Because in her head, she still remembered the old Asami that was just as in love and committed to this as she was. But the Asami standing before her was only committed to her job and herself.
“Obsessed… that’s what you want to call trying to save this relationship? Okay. Fine. I’ll drop the obsession then, Asami,” Korra said as she stood from the table, gripping onto the edge as she swayed for a moment. “I’m fucking done…”
She turned to walk off – though she knew she probably wouldn’t be able to get very far without tripping over a couple of things first. “Korra wait…”
“Wait for what, Asami? All I ever do is wait. Wait for you to come home. Wait for you eat dinner with me. Wait for you to love me like you used to. I’m tired of waiting for things that are never going to happen!” Tears flowed sloppily down her cheeks. She didn’t have the energy nor the will to wipe them away.
“I do love you… I do…” Asami’s voice was soft and quiet. And even though she said the words she had said a hundred times before, it didn’t sound like she believed them herself anymore.
“But not more than you love your job.”
“Korra, you know how hard I’ve worked for this-“
“And what about how hard we worked for this?! For us?! Is that not important? Does that mean nothing to you?”
“Of course it does.”
Korra shook her head as she picked up her phone from the kitchen counter. “No… it doesn’t. If it did, we wouldn’t be having this argument right now… We wouldn’t have to.”
She walked toward the door, grabbing the first coat from the coat hanger that she could find. She didn’t know if it was her own or Asami’s but she didn’t care. She shrugged it on clumsily, wiping her face with the sleeves.
“Where are you going?” Asami asked – her voice more tired than concerned.
“Bolin’s. Or Makko’s. I don’t know. I’ll come by tomorrow and pick up my things…”
“You don’t mean that. You’re just drunk…”
Korra glanced back at Asami and held her eyes for a long moment. In her mind, she remembered those emerald eyes that would look at her with love and admiration. She remembered those soft lips that would only speak of love. She remembered that voice that would comfort her at her darkest times. But the sparkle she once saw that gleamed only for her had dulled.
Instead of responding, she simply dropped her head and bit back a sob before she opened the door to their apartment.
She hesitated. She held onto a small hope that Asami would run to her and hold her back. Beg her to stay and promise to work it all out. But that never happened.
Korra stepped out and closed the door behind her. She wrapped her arms around waist in attempt to somehow hold herself together. Because now she didn’t have anyone else to do it for her.
Whatever happened the day after would be meaningless. Even in her drunk stupor she knew that. They could apologize. They could forgive. But there was no repairing what had been done. They would fall back into the same routine. Asami would always care about her career more than their relationship. Korra would always want more than Asami was willing to give.
Picturing a life without Asami was painful. But picturing a life with this continuous disappointment and loathe for one another was even more so.