Chapter Text
I remember back, in the middle of sophomore year, after a particular bad day, I found myself at the Chateau. The Kook academy was becoming too much, Rafe had shown up at The Wreck, my dad had brought me to an all-time low and I wanted nothing more than to just disappear. My first call that night would have been to JJ, but he was working a night shift at the club. Kie was in her Kook year and Pope and I were still establishing what kind of friends we were. Which is why I stood outside the old fish shack. John B had been sitting out on the Pogue smoking a Juul and he wasted no time passing it to me and pushing me into the Pogue setting off into the Marsh.
I wasn’t sure how long we stayed out there but I remember our conversation had come full circle to being at my lowest point. John B had stopped what he was doing and had turned to me. He made sure he had locked eyes with me as he spoke. “I don’t think you’re at your lowest Roe.” He had said and I scowled. “My dad used to tell, ‘It’s best to never say you’ve hit rock bottom, because you can always go lower.’” It was such a simple sentence but I knew it was true. As bad as I had felt that day, it could always be worse. The rest of that night found us back at the Chateau, joined by JJ and Pope, drinking, smoking and forgetting all our problems.
That felt like a whole lifetime ago, and I sat now thinking of how much lower we could go. John B was gone. Sarah was gone. The gold and evidence gone. Rafe and Ward were gonna get off without even a slap on the wrist. The weeks that followed, the disappearance of our friends was filled with funerals, police interrogations, fights with Kooks, fights amongst Pogues, it was like a movie reel playing in a haze. Each of my friends were going through their own form of denial.
Pope had thrown himself back into his schooling. He had lost his scholarship, and the relationship with his dad was strained. He was doing everything he could to earn back their trust and whatever was left of his education. When he wasn’t, he was with Kie trying to help her deal with her own grief.
She had fully accepted the stage of anger. She had remained in denial for a while but now she was angry. The usually calm and well mannered, logical thinking girl had been left in the tent and she was heading down a dangerous road of graffiti and harassment of the Camerons. I still saw her and when I was with her and we were able to distract each other we were good, we even laughed a bit, but the moment our minds were not occupied she would drink or smoke.
When it came to JJ, I knew how he would handle it from the moment Shoupe had told us. He had always internalized his pain. From years of abuse by his father, he could hide his feelings better than anyone I knew, however when those feels built up it would explode in anger, at Shoupe, at the Kooks… He had lost his best friend, someone who had been his brother since the 3rd grade, and it hurt to watch him go through that pain.
We had had a mock funeral for John B at the Chateau. It was something for all of us to get some sort of closure on. JJ and Pope cut the large tree that we sat around many nights, permanently reminding us of what we lost.
2003 2020
JOHN B ROUTLEDGE
P4L
After that night, everything changed. I didn’t go home after that night, instead I found myself a resident of the “Summer Winds” Inn, ironically the same place John B and JJ snuck into a few months ago. Thankfully, it was a different room. The guilt of Peterkin’s murder and John B going down in the tropical storm threatened to consume me and I did my best to keep busy. I picked up more hours at The Wreck, and worked as a housekeeper for the Inn when they needed extra help.
At some point hanging out with the Pogues nearly stopped, I couldn’t look at them without the guilt building up. When I wasn’t working my mind was rolling in waves of, “what ifs.” What if I had gone with Peterkin to the airstrip, what if I hadn’t intercepted her when she was heading into the police station. What if we had waited and had Shoupe come with us, what if I had just driven away in her cruiser with the evidence, or run faster, stated who had shot her in the radio call I had made, they were overwhelming.
“Hey.” Kie came into The Wreck, Pope and JJ close behind making themselves comfy in the back booth. I had just finished my shift for the night and was getting ready to head back to the Inn. Kie wasn’t aware of my living situation yet, I hadn’t told her, with everything else the idea of burdening her with it just wasn’t what I wanted to do. She would beg me to stay with her and her parents, and tell them and I wouldn’t be able to say no. After the revelation in the tent that night over a month ago I had stayed with Carrera’s for a few days before I heard the arguing and the fights between Kie and her parents. I wasn’t the cause, but I knew they needed time as a family, and at that moment it didn’t include me.
“Whats up.” I smiled eyeing the boys warily. I hadn’t talked to JJ since John B’s ‘memorial’ and at this point I wasn’t sure if I was going to.
“We are going to head out on the Pogue, you know one last hurrah before school tomorrow.” She said pulling a piece of bread from a basket on the counter. “Wanna join us?”
“I can’t Kie.” I shook my head after a second of hesitating. I looked down so I didn’t have to see her disappointment.
“Come on Roe.” She pleaded and I sighed holding my bag tightly as I looked up. “I feel like I haven’t seen you since…” her voice trailed off and she looked away for a second. My eyes traveled past her to Pope and JJ, both were talking but JJ’s eyes met mine for a second before he turned away. I felt the sharp pain in my chest and had to swallow the lump in my throat. Kie followed my gaze looking over her shoulder. “Look when you and him… I don’t know what happened but I know he didn’t mean…”
“It doesn’t matter Kie.” I interrupted her quickly. “I just can’t tonight okay.”
“Pogues for life remember, what would John B. say?”
“Don’t do that.” I stated harshly starting to get angry. Kie bit her bottom lip, “I have enough guilt coming out my ears right now that I don’t need you throwing the “John B would be so disappointed” statement into the mix.”
“I didn’t mean to… I’m sorry.” She said quietly reaching to grab my arm, keeping me from walking out. I let a shaky emotional breath shifting on my feet. Blinking several times, I finally met her eyes again once I was sure i wouldn’t start crying. “You know none of us blame you for any of it right? What your dad is doing, what happened… none of it is your fault.” Nodding, she quickly pulled me into her squeezing tightly.
“Yeah well, guess I’m having a hard time convincing myself.” I whispered as we pulled away. With a small smile, I started to back up. Turning I started to make my way out of the establishment before I quickly turned. “Do me a favor though, don’t go egg or TP the Cameron’s yeah?”
Kie pretended to be insulted putting her hand to her chest. “Rowyn we are going to be seniors tomorrow I have more class then those childish pranks.”
“Okay well as long as its classy,” I laughed. As I turned back towards the door, I caught JJ staring at me and I had to force myself to leave.
The air was thick with pain and grief. There wasn’t any laughing or light conversations, instead we all sat mulling over every decision we had made that led us to this point, led us to losing someone we all desperately needed in our lives. JJ had slowly started to pull away and I didn’t want to push, I had my own problems at home I was dealing with that I needed to focus on but having him be so far from me was hard. A few months ago, we would have been going to each other to make ourselves feel better.
There was a pit that kept growing in my stomach and I knew at some point we were going to have to talk, have to figure out what this was, what we are or were. I dreaded every second that led up to me finding him on the dock that night. There was some part of me that knew what he was going to say, it was the reason I never tried anything in the past with him because I knew I’d lose him.
The silence between us was heavy and uncomfortable, something that was not normal for us. I could see him fidgeting with his lighter and choose to break the unbearable silence.
“You going to say it or we just going to keep avoiding each other?” I asked. The brisk summer air blowing off the marsh gave me a chill and I threw the hood of my sweatshirt up over my head, stuffing my hands in the pocket in front.
“Not sure what you want me to say Rowyn.” He said from his place, legs over the end of the dock, leaning on the rail. His voice didn’t waiver and almost sounded stoic.
“I want you to say it.” I said firmly despite my heart beating from my chest the words came out strong. The noise he made was between a groan and a sigh as he turned.
“You want me to tell you to go? Tell you that I can’t do this anymore?” he asked. The words that left his lips felt like a stab to the heart. I stood up straight determined to remain strong as I answered him.
“Yes. That’s what I want you to tell.” I nodded and it seemed to take him a second to comprehend my acceptance of what he said. “We haven’t talked for almost a week, and I don’t know if it was the interrogations or work or the whole John B thing but I can’t read your mind JJ. If you want out then you need to tell me.”
“Then there you go Roe. I want out. I can’t do it, do whatever this was. I need time to figure shit out, and you being here doesn’t help. I can’t have you constantly hovering expecting something that I can’t give you.” He exclaimed and I took a step back surprised at the outburst. “We are different and this was crazy from the beginning. You need to go Rowyn. Just leave.” He said quieter looking down before turning back towards the marsh.
I fought with myself for a few second on replying but I didn’t have one. Instead, I did exactly what he had said I left, I turned and got into my car driving away from the Chateau.
That night I had gone directly to the Summer Winds Inn turned my phone off and cried. The next morning, I went home and packed a bag of as much as I could, because I didn’t plan to come back. I only returned to the Chateau to drop off food when I knew JJ would be working or surfing.
After I escaped Kie and her persisting I went back to the Inn. The owner asked me to cover the front desk until around 11 and then I went back to my room. As much as I wanted to sleep, knowing school would start bright and early tomorrow I couldn’t get my mind to stop.
My alarm went off early the next morning and I groaned as I got up. Final year of school and I was dreading every second of going. Once I parked, I walked up to the school. Out in the front of Kildare High was a memorial for John B. Pictures and surfboards were displayed along a boulder. As I stopped and stared at it, the pain of the summer events flooding pack I could hear the whispers around me.
“Dude her dad is defending the Cameron’s…”
“What is she doing here?”
“She doesn’t belong here.”
“Do you think she helped him do it?”
The whispers started dispersing and change as they were directed in another area. Looking over my shoulder I could see Kie, Pope and JJ walking up. With a sigh I turned to walk away heading inside. The day dragged on and was counting down until the end of the day. Lunch had been a joke, and I found that sitting alone was better then sitting in a gossip filled lunchroom.
After lunch I was in my Advance Literature class. The class started as all others had that day. Classroom expectations, what we were going to be doing, what we would need. I sat in the back of the room leaning on my hand as I doodled on the corner to the class syllabus. My phone made me jump as it indicated a text message had been received, and I looked around to see if anyone had seen me jump. Luckily, I was in the back of the room.
UNKNOWN NUMBER
I scowled at my phone pulling it into my lap and under my desk, my finger hovering over the new message icon. With a deep breath I selected the message I felt my jaw drop as an image appeared on the screen. The image was of the two people I thought I had lost.
There smiling and looking very much alive was John B and Sarah.
“Holy Shit.” I whispered.