Chapter Text
He stood off to the side, trying to keep his mind on the present, as horrible as it was. The air in the room was stifling. Dark magic so strong that it was nearly choking him, worse than even home could be. Before, he would have been breathing as deeply as he could. As if he could somehow take the magic into himself, make it his. Now, Regulus was struggling to keep from retching.
The Dark Lord was sitting on his throne. Watching them all with serpentine red eyes as he listened to the report Lucius was giving. They were all masked, but Lucius was as recognizable as ever. Regulus thought it was the height of arrogance and stupidity for him to continue leaving his white hair loose around his mask. And Sirius was his brother. Lucius sounded confident, so he supposed it must be good news. A success for the Dark Side. His stomach turned.
Regulus kept his gaze on the marble flooring and let his eyes track the scorched and bloodied marble. Anything to keep his mind off of Kreacher. To keep it off the cave and the horrible creation inside of it. He couldn’t afford to think about it. Not while in the presence of the Dark Lord, not with Snape within their ranks. He was a Black and would never dishonor his family by being a sub-par Occulmens, but this was the Dark Lord and even he could admit that Snape, despite being a half-blood, was far too skilled in Legilimency for Regulus’s thoughts to be safe.
He stood and stared, listening to his fellow Death Eaters and his Lord, desperately avoiding the question of if they were still his. Out of the corner of his eye, he saw a Death Eater trembling. He frowned but averted his gaze.
“My loyal Death Eaters,” The Dark Lord stood and Regulus snapped to attention, “today we welcome a new addition to our ranks, to our cause,” He beckoned forward the trembling one and Regulus felt the barest hint of sympathy. He remembered the day he was presented to the Dark Lord and how he shook like a mudblood in front of a Sorting Hat. It was an incredibly heady and terrifying thing to have that gaze on you.
The figure stepped forward, moving out from the ranks of Death Eaters.
“This… This will be the key to our success,” He gestured at the figure and Regulus felt his heart in his throat. His voice was so smooth, so confident. It enthralled him. Even knowing what he did and planning what he was, he still felt the need to hang off his every word. To do anything just to hear a few more words.
“This wizard,” A male then, typical he supposed. Only Bellatrix seemed to be his exception, “has been providing us with crucial information for our cause and has been fulfilling his duties with such… vigor ,” He hissed the last word while staring at the wizard, tone amused. Regulus felt the hair on his arms stand up, “Such dedication …” He moved his gaze back to the gathered Death Eaters and smiled. “He has been serving as a spy for us, getting close to those blood-traitors, half-bloods, and mudbloods,” The Dark Lord sneered and he caught sight of Snape freezing in place. Clearly, he didn’t know about his replacement, “Soon, soon we will have enough information to strike. Hour by hour we come closer to our inevitable victory, to the day when Dumbledore lies dead at my feet and the mudbloods and muggles stand cowed below us!” Magic buzzed even louder in the air. Every breath felt crackled with the electricity in the air as the other Death Eaters got more and more excited. He could hear excited whispering, laughter, and jeering. Regulus had no doubt that they would be cheering if it wasn’t such an undignified action.
“Enough!” The dark magic snapped in the air and Regulus flinched. The room froze and quieted instantly. “Save your excitement for when we emerge victoriously and maintain your focus now.” He turned back to this mysterious spy, “I only tell you this, my loyal Death Eaters, so you may know just what effort your fellow wizard has put forth,” There was a hint of sarcasm in his voice and Regulus couldn’t help wondering where it came from, “I cannot reveal his identity for now, but a demonstration of his… belonging is in order,” He paused and the tension racketed, “Kneel,”
The wizard shakily went to his knees. Regulus watched with a wretched combination of disgust and jealousy as the Dark Lord reached out and cupped the Death Eater’s face. His head tilted to the side and his expression became so… so loving that it terrified him. He remembers that look. He remembers how much he coveted it. And he remembered what heinous acts led to that expression. The bloodshed, torture, and screaming that would precede it.
“Do you feel welcomed?” His voice was sickly sweet and the man nodded, “Do you feel appreciated?” Another nod, more vigorous than the last, “Do you feel like you belong ?” He hissed.
“Yes, my Lord,” The wizard finally spoke and Regulus felt as if the world had stopped. He watched as the Dark Lord spoke, but heard nothing. His ears were ringing. It felt like his heart had frozen. Time blended together as candlelight danced across black robes and masks shined in the light.
For the first time in weeks, he was thankful to have his mask. A mark of his obedience, his loyalty, his mistake , but a mistake that was hiding his blood-drained face. He didn't need a mirror to tell him that he resembled a white sheet because he felt it. He felt it just like it felt the realization of just who this wizard was, sinking under his skin.
Regulus quickly buried the realization in his mind and thought of nothing. Thought of nothing as the Dark Lord dismissed them. Thought of nothing as the Dark Lord gave him a nod of recognition that would’ve had his heart aching from the force of the approval. But, that was before. He was incredibly thankful, an unfamiliar sensation these past years, that he had shifted his focus away from Regulus the moment his loyalty was insure. The moment he received the Dark Mark, allowed him to rip through his mind, and fell to his knees at his feet. No, the Dark Lord thought him loyal, so he needed no extra attention. Not like Pettig— no, not here.
He spoke to none of the other Death Eaters. He may have, under normal circumstances, taken time to ridicule Snape for his demotion. Maybe mentioned just how little a poor half-blood like him was needed now. After all, he may disagree with his brother on almost everything, but the fact that Snape was a slimy degenerate who deserved to be taken down several pegs was not one of them.
After he stepped through the floo, he had just enough mind to check that Mother and his father were still absent from the house before closing himself into his bedroom. Regulus leaned against the closed door and just tried to breathe. Once his heart was calmed, he allowed himself to think freely.
“ That sniveling pathetic worm !” He snarled into his empty room as he let the fact that Peter Pettigrew, one of his brother’s best friends, was a goddamn traitor. A spy. A fucking Death Eater . His hands shook with rage. How fucking dare he? This was one of the wizards that took Sirius away from him, that led him away from the Dark, from him, into the arms of that old fool Dumbledore. And he was going to just throw that away? Throw away his brother, spit in the face of that loyalty, just to be marked like cattle for a Dark Lord who was insane. Who was far too gone to be of any use, who was only going to get them all killed, and who didn’t give two shits about anything besides his own megalomania!
Regulus grabbed a glass bottle and threw it across the room. Watching it shatter, he sneered at it. At Pettigrew. At himself. After all, didn’t he do exactly like what Pettigrew was doing? Throwing again his brother’s regard in order to please Mother, to please his father, to please the Dark Lord. He took a deep breath. The only consolation, the only one, was that even if his loyalty to the Dark Lord wasn’t shattered, he would still find Pettigrew despicable.
Grey eyes stared at the broken glass, the liquid that was splashed around it. It must’ve been firewhiskey. Regulus had started keeping it by his bedside, hoping to drink away the nightmares that plagued him since he learned just what was in that cave. A cave he was going to have to go to. He shivered and redirected his thoughts to the traitor.
He shouldn’t. He couldn’t. He wasn’t. There was no conceivable reason why he should tell Sirius about this. It wasn’t like they would believe him over his dear old friend. His brother was unlikely to even speak to him. And what if it was a test? The Dark Lord kept Pettigrew’s identity hidden thoroughly, but maybe he told him to speak so that he would recognize his voice. But… the Dark Lord had no clue just how closely he watched his brother’s friends. It could’ve been a message to Snape, he would know the voice too. If it was a test, if Sirius refused to believe him, did it even really matter? Regulus learned from his naivety. He wasn’t coming out of that cave .
And if he didn’t say anything?
“ No ,” fell from his lips as the answer came to him. Snape was spying on the Order as a whole, but Pettrigew knew everything about his friends. The group, the Marauders, were practically stuck together with spell-o tape. He would have all the details on their movements. Where they lived. When they were the most vulnerable. The answer is that his brother, Sirius , would be killed.
He… he knew what it had meant, joining the Death Eaters while his brother became part of the damned Order. That they would be on opposite sides of the war, that he would have to hear of his brother’s death and then celebrate it with the others. Regulus had told himself that it didn’t matter. That it was war. But, he knew. He knew this would lead to Sirius’s death. And he wasn’t a loyal little Deatheater anymore. If he was likely to die anyway, there was no reason to pretend to Lucius, Rosier, or even Snape that Sirius’s death would mean nothing to him.
Regulus felt the pit in his stomach, the one that’s been there since he heard Pettigrew speak, grow as he thought about Sirius dying because he said nothing. Said nothing just like he always did. Staying quiet while Mother cursed him. Staying quiet while his best friend betrayed him.
I refuse.
He took a step and twisted into apparition, ignoring Kreacher’s surprised cry of “Master!”.
Regulus landed in front of a flat in Muggle London. He would deny it if anyone asked, but Regulus had kept track of his brother from the very moment he ran away and never stopped. He stared at the brick building and didn’t even bother to sneer at the passing muggles.
Not allowing himself to think about it anymore, he walked up to the door and knocked. Absent-mindedly, he noted the fact that there were no wards around the property. Any Death Eater could just walk up to it, a Death Eater was doing just that. He stood rigidly in front of the door and waited. And waited. Regulus heard nothing from inside and felt a spike of panic. He didn’t consider that they wouldn’t be home. Why didn’t he think of that? He resisted the urge to fidget. Regulus hadn’t thought to disguise himself. Panic spiked. What if a Death Eater was watching the flat? He scowled. He was a mockery of a Slytherin. Regulus turned to leave and then the door banged open.
“What do you wan—” Sirius stood in the doorway, his mouth gaping open in surprise as he stared at Regulus. He looks tired , was the first thing Regulus thought. Tired and skinnier than he had been the last time he saw him. His long black hair was pulled back in a disarrayed bun and he was in ragged muggle clothing. Mother would go into hysterics at the sight of him . But, most importantly, he was alive.
“Sirius,” He breathed out, unable to conceal his relief that he was okay, that he opened the door. Sirius’s brow furrowed. His face was a complicated mix of suspicion, weariness, and just the smallest grain of concern. Regulus almost cried in relief.
“Regulus… what the hell are you doing here?” Regulus swayed in place. He couldn’t help it. He was just so relieved that Sirius didn’t slam the door in his face. His brother was still willing to talk to him, to hear him out. His big brother was still here. It felt like a weight was suddenly lifted and he pitched forward. Before he hit the ground, he felt a strong arm catch him by the waist and keep standing.
“Merlin Regulus, what the fuck is happening?” Sirius’s voice was confused but concerned as he dragged him inside the flat. Regulus’s arm came wrapped around Sirius’s shoulders automatically as his head spun. He didn’t know why he was so dizzy, and would be sure to feel humiliated by Sirius helping him later, but it got him into the door so he let his thoughts go. He let the weight he was holding up drop and allowed his brother to drag him around like a doll. Sirius pushed him onto a couch and Regulus felt the world settle. He blinked the blurriness from his eyes and pushed the dizziness away. He didn’t have time for it.
Regulus reached out, quick as a snake, and grabbed Sirius’s arm before he pulled completely away from him. Sirius frowned but didn’t try to get away, instead he kneeled in front of him. It was so reminiscent of their childhood that he felt his eyes sting. All those times that Sirius would come and comfort him when he was upset. Him sobbing on his bed with Sirius kneeling in front of him, trying to comfort him as Mother’s angry shrieks filled the house. A little kid looking to his big brother for comfort.
Sirius stared at him.
The sound of footsteps coming downstairs echoed through the room, but neither of them looked away from each other. He wasn’t sure what Sirius was seeing on his face. Regulus didn’t have any masks on, didn’t even have the energy to try to hide his emotions. He didn’t want to know what he looked like, he just hoped it was enough to keep Sirius with him. Judging by the worry that was shining in his brother’s eyes, he didn’t look good.
“Sirius, who’s here?” He didn’t bother turning, he recognized Lupin’s voice as much as he did Pettigrew’s. He heard him enter the living room and the skip in his step when Lupin saw him. “Is that Regulus?” Lupin sounded so confused that Regulus couldn’t stop the hysterical giggle that tore its way out of his throat, feeling his age for once.
“Tea,” Sirius’s stare got even more concerned. He finally looked away from Regulus and glanced at Lupin, “We need lots of tea, Moony”. Lupin, the steadfast source of calm and logic in their group, simply nodded and then went into the kitchen. He whipped his gaze back to Regulus and looked him over critically. “When was the last time you ate?”
The question echoed in his head and he thought about it. Things had gotten… blurred in the past week. Once he had figured out what the Dark Lord had made, once he had realized what he had to do, things like food didn’t seem that important.
“Make some sandwiches too!” Sirius yelled towards the kitchen, reading the answer in his silence.
“What do you say?” Lupin shouted back.
“Pretty please?” Sirius’s eyes sparkled and heard a quiet huff of laughter. He turned those sparkling eyes onto Regulus and he felt guilty that he was going to wreck this happiness. Whether they believed him or not. Seeing the guilt on his face, Sirius’s face changed. The playfulness was replaced with a rarely seen serious expression. “Talk to me, Reggie”.
“You won’t believe me, Siri,” It would be futile to tell him, he knew this, but he was here and he didn’t try to keep the frustration and desperation hidden. For the first time in years, he wasn’t going to mask his emotions. It was worth it. Just trying was worth it and being as honest as possible was the only way to do it.
“Try me,” He looked so stubborn, so ready to prove him wrong.
“You won’t want to believe me,” Honesty, he had to be honest. Sirius let out a frustrated sigh.
“Listen,” Sirius looked away from him and towards the kitchen, “I know you wouldn’t come here if it wasn’t important,” He turned back to Regulus, “You hate Muggle London, you hate Remus, you— you hate me.” Regulus flinched, but Sirius had looked away again. “So, whatever you’re here for must be important.”
“It could be a trap?” Regulus didn’t know why it came out of his mouth, but it did. He was having a hard time thinking past the fact that Sirius thought Regulus hated him. He would’ve died— left, left for the cave with Sirius thinking he hated him.
Sirius rolled his eyes at him, before returning to seriousness, “You’re pale as a fucking ghost, Reg. You almost fainted on my very muggle doorstep. You haven’t stopped shaking since you got here and you haven’t let go of me since you grabbed my arm,” Regulus’s face burned with embarrassment. He knew he was a wreck, he should’ve known that Sirius would be blunt about it. He glanced to where his hand was still gripping Sirius’s. He left it there. He couldn’t bear to move it. Regulus looked back up at Sirius to see a smug look, “See! You aren’t even acting like I’m diseased. Clearly, something is wrong, and not even you are this good of an actor.”
“He doesn’t smell like he’s lying either,” Lupin commented as he entered the living room with a tray of tea and sandwiches. Oh, Regulus had forgotten that aspect of the werewolf curse. As much as he would prefer to not be seen as weak in front of Lupin, he felt slightly more hopeful. Lupin would be able to smell that he was telling the truth.
“Moony!” Sirius looked between the two of them, panicked. Regulus and Lupin stared at him in confusion until realization dawned on Lupin’s face.
“Sirius, do you think he doesn’t know?” He raised an eyebrow. When Sirius just opened and closed his mouth like a confused fish, Lupin rolled his eyes. He put the tray on the coffee table next to Sirius and started pouring tea as he spoke, “He’s known since 6th year,” Lupin glanced at Regulus, “Or probably earlier. He gave me a shovel talk with very specific blackmail as his threat,”
Sirius stared at the two of them in shock, “And why wasn’t I told?!” He asked in a huff, but Lupin ignored him and handed Regulus a cup of tea. Sirius turned his attention back to Regulus with furrowed brows, “Wait… you weren’t talking to me then. You hate me… why would you…?” Regulus looked away from him and took a sip of his tea. Lupin smacked Sirius’s head and he yelped.
“He doesn’t hate you. He never did.” Lupin stared at Regulus.
Regulus looked at his tea, “Lupin isn’t wrong, but that’s not important.”
“Not important?” Sirius sounded outraged, “how the fuck is that ‘not important’?”
“It’s not important because I won’t be here!” Regulus snapped out and finally met Sirius’s gaze. He regretted it the moment he said it. Sirius’s face had gone completely blank and still. Trying to cover his mistake, he turned to Lupin, “What’s important is that you have a traitor ,” Lupin’s eyes zeroed in on him. Regulus pushed the sudden fear that came with being faced with an intent werewolf away.
“Oh?”
“How do you know that?” Sirius asked, suspicion in his voice.
Regulus took a large sip of tea and a deep breath. He needed to be able to reach his wand if this went poorly, he still needed to go to the cave. Regulus went to let go of Sirius’s hand, but Sirius’s grip was like iron. At least he could say he tried. He kept his eyes on his tea as he explained.
“There was a Death Eaters meeting tonight,” Sirius let out a growl and tightened his grip. Regulus refused to look up. “Towards the end of the meeting, the Dark Lord introduced a new Death Eater. He was cloaked and wearing a mask. He was trembling ,” He couldn’t stop his sneer. Regulus took another deep breath, “The Dark Lord announced that the new Death Eater was a spy. That he had joined the Dark Lord a while ago, but because the information was so useful , he wanted to introduce him to the rest of us. To give him recognition. Fucking belonging ,” Regulus spat out the word, unable to keep the disgust and anger from his voice. “Then he spoke and I recognized his voice, knew it immediately,” He paused. His hand was shaking, his knuckles white from how hard he was holding his tea. Regulus didn’t want to do this anymore. He never did. “It… it was likely a test.”
“Who?” Sirius’s voice was low and dark. A reminder that though he left the House of Black, he would always be a Black.
“The Death Eater was obviously being tested,” Regulus couldn’t say it. His brother was talking to him, holding his hand. He couldn’t lose it, “but Snape could be too,”
“And you,” Lupin pointed out.
“Yes.”
“Because you both knew him,”
“Yes.”
“If it is a test, you’ve failed it. Haven’t you?” Lupin looked worried and Regulus let out a bitter chuckle.
“Yeah, yeah I have,”
“Who!?” Sirius growled, patience apparently lost. Regulus stared at his cup. Then it was suddenly yanked out of his hand. He watched as Sirius chucked it across the room, shattering on the floor just like the firewhiskey he threw earlier. Family resemblance.
“Siri…”
Sirius was still holding his hand. He hadn’t let go. It was going to hurt when he did. A hand appeared under his chin and lifted his head, making Regulus look Sirius in the eye.
“Who—”
“Peter Pettigrew,”
It was quiet. The entire house was quiet. Then, Sirius started laughing. Sirius let go of Regulus’s hand, tilted his head back, and laughed. It was chilling. His mad cackles echoed through the walls and Regulus was reminded of Bellatrix in the worst way. So, he did exactly what he does when Bellatrix starts laughing, when Mother starts screaming, he stays quiet and looks at the ground.
The laughter abruptly cut off.
“You’re fucking joking, right?” He asked, voice sharp and mocking.
Stay quiet.
“Sirius…”
“He’s joking!” Lupin stayed silent, “He’s fucking lying then!”
Stay quiet.
“He isn’t Sirius, I’d be able to smell it,” Lupin’s voice was strained.
Stay quiet and it will stop.
“There’s no fucking way! Peter is our friend!” He continued meanly, “and it’s not like You-Know-Who would even take him. He’d be a shitty fucking spy,”
“... which would make him the best spy,”
Quiet.
“You’re believing this bullshit?! He’s a fucking Death Eater!”
“He isn’t lying, Sirius!”
Stop.
“He knew you were a werewolf, there’s probably some dark fucking magic that lets him get past you,”
“Look at him, Sirius!” Someone yelled and there was silence, “look at him,”
“Fuck,”
Regulus flinched when something touched him, but he stayed still. Still and quiet. A hand wrapped around his own and he stared at it.
“Reggie,” Someone was kneeling in front of him, “Reggie, look at me.” He kept staring at the ground. “Regulus, brother, eyes on me,” A hand stroked his hair. He blinked. “Listen, to me, it’s alright. This is fucked up and I’m not sure I believe you, but I need you to come back down to earth,”
“Has this happened before?”
“Reggie, c’mon kid, snap out of it,”
“I’m not a kid,” Regulus flinched, hard, when he realized that he spoke. It was an automatic response, he didn’t mean to. He waited for yelling to start again, for something to be thrown, for curses to be cast, but nothing happened.
“Sure ya not,” Sirius, Sirius was the one stroking his hair and holding his hand. “Except that adults look each other in the face,” Regulus blinked slowly. Feeling the panic start to lessen when nothing happened. He took in a deep breath. Sirius. This was Sirius. He looked up. Sirius was kneeling in front of him again. His face was pale and wrecked.
“... that shouldn’t have worked,” Regulus said softly and Sirius let out a sigh of relief so strong that he rocked back on his heels.
“Yeah, but it did,” Sirius looked him in the eye, “You good? Back with us?” Us. Back with us. Regulus whipped his head around to look at Remus who was sitting on the coffee table, watching him with worry. He felt a rush of embarrassment that warmed his cheeks. He tried to focus on the fact that Remus had defended him. That Remus believed him.
He looked at Sirius. Sirius didn’t believe him. “I’ll— I’ll leave.” He went to stand up shakily but was immediately pushed back down by Sirius, who moved his hand from his hair to his shoulder, keeping him in place. Regulus stared at him.
“You aren’t leaving,”
“I’m fine,” Regulus said sharply, shoving his emotions down, “I’m fine and I’m leaving,” He went to stand and didn’t even make it halfway before he was shoved back down.
“You’re staying, whether you like it or not,” Sirius’s face was set in mulish stubbornness.
“Why?” He asked, “I did what I came here to do. I told you, you didn’t believe me, and now I’m leaving,” Sirius didn’t budge.
“You can’t drop that kind of a bomb and then just fuck off,”
“You don’t believe me!”
“I do,” Lupin spoke, but they both ignored him.
“That doesn’t mean you just get to fucking leave,”
“I have to go!” Regulus argued, starting to get frantic. If they kept him here, then he couldn’t go to the cave. If the Order came, they would have him captured and he wouldn’t be able to destroy it. And he didn’t trust Dumbledore to do it.
“Why?” Lupin asked calmly.
“What?” Regulus stared at him.
“Why do you have to go?” Lupin continued, “You already admitted this could be a test for you, that you’ve failed. So, you can’t go back to You-Know-Who,”
“I wasn’t planning on it,” Some of his disgust at the idea leaked into his voice.
“Is it something that Mother is making you do?” Sirius asked, “You don’t have to do what she says,” Sirius swallowed hard, “I know I should’ve brought you with me when I ran—”
Regulus’s laughter interrupted him. He couldn’t help it. The idea that his mother was making him betray the Dark Lord was beyond ridiculous. Between chuckles, he managed, “I’m pretty sure she’d disown me if she found out what I was planning,”
“Ahhh, but she wouldn’t kill you. So, only something she would be annoyed at,”
He rolled his eyes, “More like she wouldn’t get the chance,” Regulus said in a casual tone. He couldn’t make himself ask for help. Not for this, not for his own mistakes. His pride wouldn’t allow it. But, he didn’t want to die.
“You’re on a suicide mission,” Lupin said slowly, testing out the truth as he said it. Regulus looked at Lupin. He wasn’t Dumbledore. He wasn’t his brother. But, this werewolf’s presence was such a boon that he was getting an itch to advocate for creatures. Or creature. He wasn’t that far gone.
“Excuse me,” Sirius interrupted, “what the fuck are you talking about?”
“He isn’t worried about You-Know-Who,” Sirius stared at Lupin, “If this was a test and he failed it, then You-Know-Who will know that he betrayed him,” Sirius’s face went pale, “You know what he does to traitors, yet he isn’t worried,” He gestured at Regulus, “Because he already thinks that he is going to die,”
“Reggie?” Sirius looked at him for a denial.
“Does it matter? You need to deal with Pettigrew, whether you believe me or not. You have your own friends and side. It shouldn’t matter,” It shouldn’t, but if it did. If it did, then maybe he wouldn’t have to die. He knew what was in that cave .
“Yes, it fucking matters! You’re my brother! I don’t want you dead,”
“You don’t want to ask for help,” Lupin nailed it on the head, again.
Regulus glared at Lupin, “I don’t even know you,” He should not be able to read him as well as he has been, werewolf senses or not.
“Yeah, but you make the same faces as Sirius,” Both Regulus and Sirius looked horrified, “I know how to speak Sirius, which means I know how to speak Regulus. Now, stop distracting us and tell us,”
He looked at the two of them. Regulus did what he came here for. He told them and they believed him enough that they should be safe. But, he also learned that Sirius still cared. His big brother still cared. He remembered how all the weight of his worries fell off the moment he saw Sirius.
“There’s a cave…”