Chapter Text
“Are you sure you’re okay, Elsa?” Anna asked, squeezing Elsa’s free hand as the coughing fit subsided. Each cough sounded painful and her breathing was labored. She had never seen Elsa like this, but then again, she didn’t have a ton of experience seeing people be sick in the first place. Having virtually no contact with the outside world meant far fewer chances to spread germs, so until opening the gates, illness was a rarity in their lives – not that Anna was aware of that. Understanding that germs cause diseases had not yet spread to Europe.
Elsa moved her hand from her mouth and surreptitiously wiped her palm on the dark blanket she laid under. She left her hand there, unable to confirm she had gotten it clean. Her fever left her uncomfortably warm yet cold at the same time, but either way she needed to hide her hand. She cleared her throat. “Yes. It sounds worse than it is,” she lied, not wanting to worry Anna. It was a bad habit, and one she had been working hard to break, but she saw no reason to tell Anna just how much her lungs and throat burned with each cough. “The healers said if I rest, I should get better, just like the Royal Physician. It’ll just take time.”
Anna bit her lip, still worried. It was a couple of seasons ago that Elsa had first shown up at game night with a cough. They hadn’t thought much of it at the time, the progression of other symptoms gradual enough to escape notice. But when the fever had set in, Elsa did see the Royal Physician. She trusted both him and the Northuldran healers, but he had cared for her since she was a child.
Having been advised to rest and not strain herself, Elsa hadn’t travelled to Arendelle since. She missed it. But Anna, and sometimes the others, made sure to visit her when they could. They even still had game nights in the Enchanted Forest, although Elsa tended not to act things out in charades or take other active roles in games these days.
“Anyway, tell me more about that meeting?” Elsa prompted, partly to change the subject and partly because she did want Anna to finish the story she had started before getting distracted by Elsa’s coughing.
“Oh!” She relaxed a little as she realized she had never finished telling the story. “So we’re talking about the trade and we hear the noise again from the storage closet. Tap-tap—and then there’s a click! The door swings open, and I jump out of my seat, like, ‘wait, what?!’… And then I see there’s a carrot sticking out the lock.” She giggled, rolling her eyes for show.
“What was he doing in there?” Elsa asked, amusement in her eyes. There was no question that Olaf was the culprit.
“Apparently the door was left open and he thought he saw a squirrel… but it was just a cleaning rag in the dark.”
She shook her head. That was Olaf. “Dare I ask how he managed to get shut inside?”
That had been her question, too. “Well, turns out he had to climb up to get a better look at what he saw and he knocked over a broom, and it fell into the door.”
Even as Olaf became more mature by the year, sometimes he still had a knack for getting himself into trouble. Elsa shook her head, entertained by the story.
Just then, Honeymaren ducked into the tent. “If you want to get back to Arendelle by nightfall, you should head out soon.”
“Oh, right. Thanks.” She was disappointed at how fast the time flew by, but she did appreciate the reminder. She had a tendency to lose track of time still, although since becoming Queen of Arendelle she had gotten better about it… when she was in the castle and had clocks to look at.
“Travel safe,” Elsa said, squeezing her hand. “I’ll see you soon.”
“Yeah. Keep resting up, okay?”
“I promise.”
Anna left. Once she was out of sight, with only her horse to hear or see her, she started to tear up. She knew something was wrong – more than anyone was saying. They kept saying she needed rest, but she had been resting, for months now, and had still only gotten worse. That was when an idea occurred to her: she could take Elsa to see the trolls! Maybe this was somehow related to Elsa being the Fifth Spirit, or her powers, or… something else magical, and that was why the normal advice wasn’t working. Now that she had a plan in mind, the fear and pain was replaced by determination.
Meanwhile, Honeymaren gave Elsa some water and sat on the side of her bed. “How are you feeling?”
Elsa offered a weak smile around the cup. “Looking forward to getting better,” she said after she finished drinking.
It was a vague answer, but Honeymaren was accustomed to that by now. She understood it was hard for Elsa to admit that she was struggling, be it physically or emotionally, but she did wish that after all this time of being together, Elsa would open up to her more.
Spotting the troubled look on her partner’s face, Elsa looked down. I’m doing it again. She knew she was, and yet… why would she want to always complain about her health? She saw little benefit to constantly reminding the others and herself of how horrible she felt. Better to focus on the positives, right?
When Elsa handed her the cup back, Honeymaren noticed a bloodstain on her palm. “Did you tell her?”
“Not yet,” she admitted, her shoulders slumping further in shame. She knew Anna wouldn’t want her to keep this from her, yet visit after visit, she couldn’t bring herself to tell her. Maybe she was just too accustomed to keeping secrets.
Honeymaren’s face scrunched slightly as she fought the urge to lecture Elsa. They had already talked in circles about it, and she wasn’t really interested in rehashing the conversation.
The silence hung heavy between them, both knowing each other’s stance. Finally, Elsa spoke again.
“I know I’m being selfish.”
The fight drained out of Honeymaren, and she tucked some hair behind Elsa’s ear. “I don’t think being selfish is your problem. You’re trying to protect us. But you’re forgetting you don’t have to shoulder everything alone anymore.”
She leaned onto Honeymaren’s shoulder, relaxing when she was soon wrapped in strong arms. Maybe that was her problem. Maybe that was why she was so afraid to tell Anna. Finally she murmured, “I don’t want to be a burden.”
That was what this was all about? Elsa still thought of herself as a burden? Honeymaren’s chest ached and she held her tighter. “You’ll never be a burden. Not to me and not to Anna.” She knew them well enough to feel confident in that statement, even if she was technically speaking for someone else.
Elsa fell silent again. She didn’t hate herself as much as she used to, but the more stress she was under, the harder it was not to fall into old patterns of thinking. It just felt like she had never been able to live up to what she had hoped as Anna’s big sister. They were close when they were young, but how many times had Elsa had to leave their play for lessons? And of course, then hurting her… and placing her parents in a position in which they felt the need to separate them… Then she nearly killed Anna again, and even as they reconnected, she sometimes wondered if there was any making up for the past.
She tried not to dwell on that too much, knowing that Anna saw it differently. These days, Anna was actually pretty angry with their parents for separating them and teaching Elsa to be afraid of herself, but Elsa couldn’t share that anger. If she had been more careful with her powers, if she hadn’t been so careless, then it wouldn’t have been necessary. And her parents couldn’t be faulted for not knowing information that wasn’t available to them at the time. Having been in agreement, she could hardly blame them for thinking her a monster.
“…Elsa?” Honeymaren prompted. Despite their physical closeness, sometimes Elsa started to feel so distant from her. She didn’t quite know where Elsa ‘went’ at times like that.
Right. They had been having a conversation, and now she couldn’t quite remember what they were talking about. Normally she was more on the ball than this, but she was already getting tired. It was frustrating, how exhausted she tended to feel these days. “Sorry. Just tired.”
“Then take a nap. We can talk about this later.” Everyone said that rest was what would help Elsa get better, so that was currently their highest priority.
Elsa settled deeper into Honeymaren and closed her eyes. She was tired of feeling useless like this, but she told herself that after she got better, she would make it up to everyone. Even if, admittedly, she was starting to wonder why she wasn’t getting better.
Honeymaren stayed until Elsa fell asleep. Idly, she wondered if she should let the matter drop and tell herself it was Elsa’s business when or if to tell Anna. And that was true, more or less, but… she was pretty sure Anna would be angry if she found out the hard way, if she saw the blood, and realized Elsa had been hiding it from her. The last thing she wanted to see was the two have a fight right now. And even if they wouldn’t get into a fight about it, Anna was her friend too, and she knew for certain that Anna would be hurt by that.
She just wished the healers could give them an estimate as to how much longer until the illness ran its course. If it was only going to be a brief time of intense symptoms and then it would pass, she could almost understand Elsa taking an approach of ‘what Anna doesn’t know won’t hurt her.’ It was true that Anna would probably be beside herself with worry if she knew – Honeymaren tended to feel that way herself at times, but at least she could come assure herself that Elsa was hanging in there.
But they had no idea. Neither the healers, nor the physician who Anna had brought from Arendelle, were giving them any answers. It was frustrating, and made Honeymaren wonder what they weren’t sharing.
She wondered if there was anyone else who could be consulted. Were there any kingdoms Arendelle had a close relationship with who were known for their medical advances? Maybe they would know something. She made a mental note to bring that idea up to Elsa. It might be difficult to get a physician to travel all this way – Elsa wasn’t in any condition for a long journey, after all – but it was worth a try.
After Elsa had settled into a deep enough sleep, Honeymaren gently laid her down on the bed. She’d love to spend more time cuddling with her, but it was nearing the middle of autumn and their winter food supply wasn’t going to gather itself. Before getting up, she leaned over and pressed a soft kiss to her forehead.
“I’ll be back soon,” she promised in a whisper.