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kaoru hakaze was a sinner. for years, that had been drilled into his brain. he didn’t pray enough, he didn’t care enough, he never gave thanks to god. kaoru was simply a disgrace. kaoru had prayed, when his mother was sick. prayed to god that she would make it out alive, that she wouldn’t leave him alone with his father. his father, who called him a good for nothing, who never loved him like his mother did, who only cared about two things. success and god. his prayers didn’t work. his mother left him, and so did everything else in the world. his father told him that everything that had happened to her was kaoru’s fault. he didn’t give enough thanks to god, and so god took away that which was dear to him. he had to repent. kneel and pray, sinner, until your knees are bruised and your knuckles bloody. don’t you know jesus sacrificed himself for your sins? repent, fool, and pray he gives you the least bit of mercy.
kaoru hakaze didn’t deserve to be in a church, his father said. kaoru was dirty and a disgrace and had to shape up to be a success in a world that hated him. after all, he killed his mother. he didn’t pray for her enough, or love her enough, and so she died. it was all on him. everything that had happened was his fault. pray so that your friends and family don’t leave you again kaoru. pray for your father to live forever. pray for your siblings to succeed in life. pray for your friends to have joy, as if you could even have any. pray that nobody you love dies, and god save your soul if you don’t pray. who knows, you may be the next to pass.
kaoru hakaze prayed until his eyes were carried in bags and his arms were thin and white. he devoted himself to the lord’s word. everything his father told him, he committed to memory. don’t associate with sinners. find a good wife and have lots of children to carry on the family. heaven forbid, you don’t like women. you’re terrible enough, kaoru. kaoru kept it all in his heart. he took it out on others. how will you settle down with a nice girl like that? god knows you fool around with men. god knows how you’re not like the others. kaoru, god knows all. there is nothing you can hide from him.
kaoru hakaze is growing away from his family tree. he’s a foolish, rebellious child, and he’s too young to make his own decisions. kaoru is a fool. kaoru wants to be a musician, but what room does the world have for him? kaoru learned early on that his father wanted him to be, a business man, with no feelings. an heir to his father’s throne. a god fearing man who lives his boring life with a wife who will bear him children. kaoru will raise them like his father did, for what else did he know?
kaoru hakaze has known loss. he’s known hell, and he’s known hatred, but when he joins undead, kaoru knows something once more. kaoru knows something he hasn’t known since his mother passed. kaoru knows love. kaoru knows peace and harmony, and a stupid peace it is. kaoru knows rei sakuma and koga ogami and adonis otogari and kanata shinkai and kanzaki souma and so many others. and kaoru knows he doesn’t have to pray for them to love him. kaoru knows they won’t leave.