Work Text:
Magnus would be the first to admit that he had some flaws. Always thinking the best of people when they’d yet to earn it, falling in love too quickly, giving too much to people who didn’t appreciate it — just to name a few.
Another flaw was jumping to the conclusion that all of these things were happening and then having to eat his words when someone proved him wrong, proved that they weren’t a shallow, prejudiced dick who wanted to bleed him dry and offer nothing in return. Magnus had been alive long enough to be self-aware about all of this, so he usually tried his best to catch it when it happened and keep himself from making any more mistakes.
Alec had returned to the party much flightier than when he'd been called away by Andrew. He smiled at his sister, allowed himself to be dragged into conversation with Jace, but there was something different about him. Something off.
There was still a bitter taste in Magnus's mouth from their conversation earlier, much as he'd tried to wash it away. He knew that it wasn't fair to feel hurt over Alec keeping their friendship a secret. Alec had proven countless times throughout the years that he was open-minded, that he wanted Downworlders to stand on equal footing with the nephilim. Magnus had known that even before they’d started seeing each other outside of the Downworld Council.
But Magnus had been someone's dirty secret before. More than once. He’d been with people who were ashamed to know him or to love him, whether because he wasn't white or because he was a warlock or because he was bisexual, or any number of things he couldn't change. Things he'd fought with himself to be proud of for decades before he'd won, and even then there would always be a handful of days in every century where that old shame flickered inside of him.
At the thought of his previous failed romances, he had to shake himself. He sounded ridiculous. Alec didn't love him. They weren't together. And whatever had Alec rushing to convince his sister that he and Magnus were only acquainted professionally, Magnus didn't know. He shouldn't be making assumptions.
With that in mind, he approached Alec, ready to set the tension aside and return to their easy back and forth.
He opened with a joke, sipping his martini as he sidled up beside where Alec had tucked himself off to the side. Alec didn't laugh — his frown deepened, his gaze drifting around the room to anywhere but Magnus. So he switched tactics.
"What was that about?" he asked instead. Maybe they'd found something out about the children.
Alec glanced at him. Then his gaze trailed across the room to Lydia, and his expression shuttered. He stared at her while he said, too quickly for it to be the truth, "Nothing."
Magnus twisted one of the rings around his finger. Lydia was talking to Isabelle, both of them leaning in to look at something on Isabelle's phone. They were laughing.
Seeing Alec and Lydia in person, Magnus had realized quickly that he didn't know quite as much as he'd thought he did. He knew a lot more than most people, and he probably understood better than most, but Alec had only spoken about their marriage that first night he'd gotten drunk and fallen apart about their divorce and at the council meeting when he'd admitted that he missed her.
He wondered if it hurt Alec to be here with her. If it pained him to see her so entwined with his family, as though she were one of them, because only a few months ago she had been. He wondered if he felt bitter, or angry, or if the loss had come back to him as fresh as though it'd only happened a moment ago. He didn’t know how people usually felt after divorcing someone they weren’t romantically involved with, but he imagined it must still sting.
"Are you alright?" he asked, and found he truly wanted to know.
Alec finally turned to look at him properly, if only to show him the frown on his face. "I'm fine. Why?"
Magnus hummed. "You don't seem it. Is this about Lydia?"
"Lydia?" Alec’s frown was replaced with confusion. "What did she do? Did she say something to you?"
Magnus blinked. "No? I suppose I just assumed, from the way you were looking at her…"
He wasn't sure Alec would appreciate hearing what he'd assumed, so he didn't finish. If he'd thought Alec seemed off before, he was convinced of it now. There was a nearly panicked quality about him, though his expression gave nothing away.
As soon as Magnus thought it, Alec’s expression broke for a moment, only long enough to get a glimpse of hurt before it was neatly stashed away. Magnus had once admired Alec's ability to set all his feelings aside and be nothing but a proper diplomat. He wondered now how much of that was diplomacy and how much was fear, not wanting the rest of the world to see what he was really feeling.
"Was it about the children, then? A new lead, perhaps?" Magnus offered, when a beat passed without Alec responding.
Slowly, Alec shook his head. He looked even more disturbed than before. "No. No, there's been nothing new. It was… a personal matter."
A personal matter. How formal of him. As though they were mere acquaintances from work attempting polite small talk. As though they knew each other no better now than they had a couple of months ago.
"I see," Magnus said, and left it at that. He took a sip of his drink, twirled his ring around his index finger, and then prepared to offer a beguiling smile and make his exit. Perhaps to the werewolf who'd propositioned him earlier. He could do with some fun.
Just when he was about to leave, Alec caught his arm. "I'm sorry. About before. It was just that she was on my case this morning about where I was when I crashed on your couch, and she assumed I was with a guy. I didn't want her to get the wrong idea, that we were something we aren't."
Well that… made sense. It was perfectly reasonable. There was no reason for Magnus to frown, so he very quickly replaced his unreasonable first instinct with a reassuring smile.
"It's alright. I understand."
"Thank you," said Alec, and dropped his hand. Magnus's arm felt a little cold where their skin had touched.
He searched Alec’s face, who'd turned to watch the rest of the party again. A spectre of a smile crossed his face as he watched his parabatai declare his undying, extremely drunk love for his wife. Earlier, his eyes had been filled with fondness and amusement. Now they were empty.
Magnus rested a hand on his arm, gently calling his attention back. "Would you like to get out of here?"
Alec looked at him. His eyes flitted back and forth between Magnus’s. "Yeah, okay. Where are we going?"
Magnus grinned, waving his hand mysteriously. "Wherever the wind may lead."
.
The wind, as it turned out, led nowhere in particular. They wandered down the street until the sounds of the party faded to a whisper, and then kept going.
"Can I ask about your marriage?" Magnus broached carefully, walking in step with him. Their pace was unhurried, and they were the only two people in sight. Buildings towered up on either side of them and then cut off abruptly, offering a view of the sky that existed in few places in this city, the forest of tall apartment complexes and skyscrapers that it was.
If Alec was caught off guard by the question, he didn't show it. He watched his own boots crunch against the pavement, his hands in the pockets of his dark jacket. "What did you want to know?"
"I don't know," Magnus told him honestly. "I suppose it's just that you've never said much about it. I'm sure it must be difficult, though. With your lives still so intertwined."
Alec shook his head. "It's not. It's…" he trailed off, a pensive and uncertain look overtaking his features. "Well, maybe it is. She was always who I went to, when something was wrong. When I was lost or confused or… hurt. And I guess I just don't know if I'm still allowed to do that."
Magnus’s heart ached for him. He'd had lovers who'd turned into friends after their breakup. He remembered how difficult it'd been to work out what the new boundaries were, how hard it had been not to lean on them the way he had before.
"I'm sure she'd still want to be there for you," Magnus assured him. "Something is wrong, then?"
Alec looked troubled, and Magnus immediately regretted pushing. He'd wanted to be supportive, to tell him without using the exact words that he was here if he needed someone. He wasn't Lydia, but he didn't mind being leaned on. Not by Alec.
When did that happen? a part of him whispered. He set it aside to be answered another time.
He was about to try to backtrack, to tell Alec that it was fine and he didn't need to disclose whatever was bothering him. Alec beat him to it.
"Underhill asked me out," Alec confessed. Magnus could see the conflict in the tense line of his shoulders.
Magnus worked hard not to show any reaction. "Oh?"
"Yeah," Alec said, turning his head away from him. His brow was furrowed and his posture tight as he looked at the trees planted in the sidewalk across the road.
"And you said..?"
"I said no."
Magnus bit his lip. He brought his own hands into his pockets, mimicking Alec, though his own shoulders weren’t drawn up practically to his ears like Alec’s were. It was a little chilly, but he doubted Alec did it because he was cold. "Why is that?"
Alec gave him a look like he’d said something incomprehensible. "What else was I supposed to say?"
"Yes?" Magnus suggested, raising an eyebrow.
Alec vehemently shook his head. "Everyone keeps saying that. Go out, Alec. Go on a date. Flirt with someone. Get laid. Find a boyfriend, Alec. Be normal, Alec. You don't want to be alone forever, do you?"
Magnus's stomach twisted. His eyes felt a little hot, but he subtly blinked it away. He hesitated, thinking his words over carefully before he shared them. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to. I thought you wanted that, too, though."
Do you think it's too late for me? he'd asked, and it'd broken Magnus's heart.
Something passed over Alec’s face too quickly for him to identify, and then he shook his head, slower this time. He was looking at Magnus when he said, "I don't know what I want. I just know that I want everyone to stop telling me what I should want."
Magnus pulled his lip between his teeth. They’d nearly reached the end of the street, and it branched off in two directions. One led deeper into the city and the other out towards the pier. The Hunter’s Moon was long out of sight behind them.
“That’s perfectly fair. Have you told them this?” Magnus asked.
Alec scoffed. “Only every second of every day since I was, like, fifteen. Jace isn’t as bad as Izzy, mostly because I think he just feels uncomfortable talking about relationships in general.”
Alec paused, biting his lip. “I know she means well. I know she thinks she’s helping. I know everyone does. But all it’s doing is making it worse. It’s like every time they try to push me another step out of the closet, I end up taking two steps back inside.”
They reached the end of the street. They stopped, and Magnus turned to face him. “I’m sure you know this, but the only person who gets to decide when you’re ready and what you want to do about it is you. It’s probably hard for your family to understand that when the only reality they’ve experienced is one where they get to be open and proud of who they love without a second thought.”
He brought a hand to Alec’s arm. They were close enough now that Magnus could smell his aftershave and see that he was shivering just a little in his light jacket. “I know how much they mean to you, so maybe having a conversation to help them understand would be worth it. And if they still don’t, and they’re still pushing, then just… Just remember that it’s your life. You get to decide how you want to live it, regardless of what anyone else might want for you.”
Magnus took a breath when he was finished. He’d said more than he meant to, more than he’d expected to, but he was glad that he had. Maybe it wasn’t his place, but Alec had started this conversation and it seemed like it was something he needed to hear.
It looked like it, too. They were still standing in front of each other, Magnus’s hand on his arm, and Alec was looking at him. It was a pensive look, much less uncertain than before.
“Thanks,” he said eventually and a soft smile graced his features. “You know, for a second, it almost sounded like you knew what you were talking about.”
It was teasing. Alec called bullshit on Magnus a lot, usually after council meetings where he’d said something using big words and vague language to get Luke and Raphael to stop bickering. It was an inside joke.
Magnus smiled back at him. “Well, it’s been quite a while, but I have been here before.”
“How long exactly?” Alec inquired, one corner of his mouth quirked up.
Magnus removed the hand on his arm to pat his cheek before he let it fall to his side. “Wouldn’t you like to know. Alas, a gentleman never reveals his age.”
Alec shook his head. “That’s not the saying.”
“I’m sorry, which of us was around when they came up with the saying?”
“Well, see, to answer that I would have to know your age.”
They both laughed, just a bit, enough to disperse how serious the air had been a moment before. When they quieted, they stood at the end of the street, only a few feet apart, the sky growing dark and the night growing cold. Magnus glanced back the way they’d come, and then down the corner in both directions. He bit his lip, and then released it to offer a private type of smile.
“Would you like to go down to the water?” he asked.
Alec opened his mouth and closed it quickly. He stuffed his hands in his coat pockets, glancing at Magnus and then down at his feet. “Yeah,” he agreed. “Yeah, sure. I have nowhere better to be.”
“Oh, well,” Magnus threw his hands up dramatically, beginning to set off in the direction of the pier. “If he has nowhere better to be.”