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"Do you guys smell that?" Carlos asks, a Chesire grin slowly forming on his face.
"That question somehow manages to be terrifying and exciting at the same time." Logan scrunches up his nose.
"No, no-- he's right, do you smell that?" James pauses, regarding the air with the same sort of smoldering intensity he reserves for photoshoots and women.
Kendall snaps his fingers, face lighting up. "Brownies!"
The group of four teenage boys race down the hallway of the Palm Woods, noses turned up like police dogs. Carlos is on his hands and knees, smelling the cracks underneath each and every apartment door to determine where exactly the wonderful brownie aroma is originating from. Logan is mouthing the mathematical reasoning for the distance between a person and freshly baked brownies, and just how sensitive one's olfactory senses are. James is knocking on random doors and shouting, "BROWNIES?!" to which he usually receives a fat "NO!"
And Kendall, well. Kendall is determined.
"Guys!" He exclaims finally, spinning around to face the group. They look at him in anticipation of another one of his speeches. Carlos hops to his feet, still sporting a hopeful smile. "I think it's coming from our apartment."
While Carlos jumps up and down in place giddily, James glares at their leader. "You better not be pulling my leg, Kendall. I take my brownies very seriously."
Maintaining smug eye contact with James, Kendall reaches over and opens their apartment door. A golden, impenetrable ray of light flows out, accompanied by the smell of none other than freshly baked brownies.
"Ohohoho yes! Thank you brownie gods!" Carlos rushes into the apartment, seemingly unaware of the cornea-scorching light directly hitting them.
"Holy mother of all things a million lumen, what is that?!" Logan asks, arms shielding his eyes. The two boys next to him mirror his actions, groaning.
Like magic, the light flicks off, the culprit emerging from behind it. It takes a moment for the boys to see anything that isn't searing white, but once they do, they frown at Katie in silent questioning.
"Don't ask. Bitters and I are working on something."
"Does this 'something' have anything to do with the masked guy who's been running around the Palm Woods and sticking cotton candy to peoples hair when they're not looking?" Kendall asks, strutting into the room with his two bestfriends and bandmates in tow.
"Keep your voice down! We have a plan." Katie shushes.
"A plan that results in optic surgery?" Logan asks.
The preteen is about to reply, when her eye catches Carlos shoving a brownie into his mouth from the platter sitting on the island counter. "Hey, mom said not to eat those! Didn't you see the sign?"
Sure enough, there was a flashcard-sized sign leaned against the plate of perfectly stacked brownies, reading in bold letters, "DO NOT EAT" and under that in smaller letters, "Just cooling off!"
"Well, where is Ms. Knight right now?" James questions, smirking as he slings his arms around Logan and Kendall.
Katie crosses her arms over her chest. "She went to go help Buddha Bob trim his beard or something, I don't know."
"Well, why can't we eat the brownies?" Kendall asks his younger sister as she begins wheeling the huge light out of the apartment.
"I don't know, but she never says stuff like that without a reason, so if I were you I would listen." The door then closes behind her and her ginormous light.
The three boys share a silent, contemplative look. This lasts a maximum of two seconds before they're rushing over to the island and each grabbing a brownie. Carlos, who had already downed one already, reached for the same brownie that James did, resulting in a game of brownie tug-of-war. The other two boys pay no mind to this, sinking their teeth into the warm, fudgey, denseness of their respective brownies.
"So... moist." Logan sighs through a mouthful of brownie.
"So... chocolately." Kendall moans.
"I can't believe your mom wanted to keep these angelic brownies from us," Carlos says once him and James cease their arguing.
"I can believe it. If I made brownies these good, I wouldn't wanna share with you guys." James says casually. Kendall and Logan roll their eyes, while Carlos narrows his eyes into a glare and launches into some 'how could you even say something like that we're best friends you always share brownies with your best friends--' type of spiel. This prompts yet another argument between the two.
"These should really be outlawed." Logan's already on the chewy edge of his brownie, lips decorated in brown crumbles.
"I know, she's never made brownies these good." Kendall replies, trying not to moan with every bite he takes.
Carlos and James both end up having two each, while Kendall and Logan only have one. Kendall sincerely hopes his mom doesn't mind missing six brownies... they can't be that hard to make, if she does end up needing more. Once the excitement has worn off, brownies in stomachs and fingers licked off, the boys all flop onto the orange sofa in the living room.
"How long until we have to be at the studio?" James asks.
"Uh... little less than two hours." Logan replies after checking the time on his phone.
"Perfect time for us to..." Kendall seemingly materializes a video game out of thin air, "...play Super Zombie Smokers 2 Mega Edition!"
There are two things, apparently, in this world that render those four boys into bubbling messes of excitement. Brownies, and video games. Kendall rolls his eyes with a grin as his three friends beg him to put it into the Xbox system. He complies and gathers the controllers, handing them out without even looking.
"Hey, how come James gets the limited edition Super Zombie Smokers 1 Mega Edition Deluxe Expanded Remastered controller?!" Carlos exclaims with a huff.
"Yeah, I mean, he did have it last time. James, give it to Carlos." Logan instructs.
"What? No way, Kendall gave it to me!"
Logan glares at the boy in question, who shrinks into the couch. "Well, I wasn't paying attention! I guess I just assumed you guys could be adults about something for once!"
"Okay, how dare you expect that much from us?" James gasps, offended.
"Actually, if I recall correctly, Carlos had it the time before last, James had it last time, so that means it's my turn to have it." Logan says smugly, standing and outstretching his hand in front of James.
James yelps and hugs the controller close to his chest. "She's mine! I had her first!"
Kendall was not going to ask why the controller had an assigned gender and why it was female. In fact, he really didn't want to know. He also didn't think he wanted to touch said controller after this revelation. Instead, he sighs, using his own controller to boot up the Xbox menu. "Can we just play? Please?"
It falls on deaf ears.
"Come on, just let me-- have it--" Logan is practically on top of James, clambering over his body to reach for the controller when James holds it high in the air. Not according to plan, Carlos bounces up from his knees and snatches it. He draws back, standing and laughing out of disbelief.
"Oh yeah, baby! She's mine now, suckers! Nana nana boo boo--"
As Carlos continues his taunting, Logan scowls at James, giving him a withering stare that almost has Kendall shrinking back into the couch again. "You idiot, look what you've done!"
"What I've done? Try you, bucko! You were the one that..." Kendall drowns out the arguing in favor of standing, approaching a still-celebrating Carlos, and grabbing the controller from his hand easily. He whines, reaching to grab it back, but Kendall's already sitting back down on the sofa, knuckles white around the controller.
"None of you get it, weirdos. This controller is literally the exact same as all the others, it just glows red when you get near zombies," Kendall grows quiet, examining the controller with sudden interest, "actually, I see the appeal. Welp, it's mine now."
The three boys stiffen, eyes dancing between the controller and Kendall. He's almost concerned they're going to jump on him, before they inevitably start cat-fighting each other. He shrugs, gathering the other three controllers and setting them up in the video games' lobby. Then, places the controllers on the coffee table, sits back, and starts the game. The four characters spawn in a lobby. Kendall's character grabs the most expensive equipment and begins shooting the upcoming zombies. This fails to garner the other guys' attention, until the three controllers on the table suddenly start vibrating so intensely they nearly fall to the floor. This causes the three of them to halt their arguing, glancing down at the controllers and then the screen.
"Oh no, I'm getting eaten!" Carlos shrieks, snatching a controller off the table. The other two follow, shouting about not wanting their players to die and lose points again.
Eventually, a focused silence settles upon the group. They all lean back into the sofa, shooting zombies in relative silence. Until the first hoard wave spawns, then they're all shouting again, but not at each other. That's what matters, Kendall figures.
They play through a few rounds until it's been close to an hour, and then James suddenly stands and wordlessly goes to the bathroom. Kendall keeps the game paused and leans his head against the top of the couch, staring at the ceiling. His eyes dance over the popcorn texture. He grins slowly to himself, suddenly seeing so many patterns in the ceiling he hadn't seen before. He can't enjoy it too much, because Carlos is babbling about God knows what to Logan at a rapid rate, rapid even for his squirrel self. Logan isn't even trying to reply, it seems.
"You guys should see this. There's a spot on the ceiling that looks like that moon from Zelda." Kendall mumbles, reaching up as if he could trace it from here.
Carlos hasn't stopped talking in almost five minutes. Weirdly enough, though, he isn't even talking fast anymore. He's just... talking. Kendall realizes Carlos isn't even saying anything of substance at all. He slowly lifts his head, his eyes taking a moment to catch up.
Logan's huddled into the corner of the couch, eyes wide as he rocks back and forth. Kendall raises a brow at this, reaching over to tap him on the knee. The action feels like it takes years yet it also happens so fast he doesn't remember it. Nonetheless, he taps his finger against Logan's knee, regarding him with confusion. "What's up?"
Logan gulps, face drained of all color. For a moment, he doesn't reply. He keeps his wide eyes locked off to the distance, unblinking and filled with fear. Finally, he whispers harshly, "I can feel my bones inside of me."
"Oh... wow. That's... that is something." Kendall replies, face scrunched. And yet, Carlos is still talking. Kendall can finally pick up enough keywords to tell he's talking about corndogs-- not just any corndogs, mind you-- Minnesota state fair corndogs.
"They were just, they were so golden," Carlos says, a glossy far-away look in his dark eyes, "so crisp. The meat was so... it was so juicy and seasoned and I fear I will never be able to love again." Suddenly, he lurches up and grabs his phone. "You guys want pizza? What kind? I'm feeling meat lovers."
"I'm gonna throw up." Logan announces, jumping up and running to the bathroom at full speed. He pulls open the door, despite the room still being occupied by James, and falls to his knees in front of the toilet. James, standing at the bathroom sink and splashing his hand in the water, doesn't even pay him any mind. He's transfixed on the water he's filled the sink with.
"Yo, Logan... whaaat is going on?" Kendall walks in slowly. It seems his face will be permanently etched in confusion today.
"It could, just, like, stop raining at any time. And then what?" James drawls to himself, almost patting the water as if it were an animal. "What would we do? As people, as a society, an economy?"
From the toilet bowl, Logan lets out a cry of fear. "Oh my God, he's so right."
"No, he's really..." Kendall ponders it for a moment. "Well, we don't need to worry about it. You okay, Logie?"
Logan hadn't been doing anything but dry-heaving into the toilet, sweat beading down his pallid face. He turns his head toward Kendall, pupils entirely stricken with fear. "I'm dying. I am passing away at the ripe age of seventeen. Please call my mom."
Kendall blinks, the gravity of the situation finally sinking in. He feels as if he's walking on a mental tightrope that keeps trembling beneath him. "Oh God, okay, I'll try to get my mom. Maybe you've got that flu going around." And then suddenly he's pacing around the dining table, listening to his phone ring as he awaits his moms reply. He's not sure how he got here, but he did.
His mom doesn't answer. If she's still trimming Buddha Bob's beard, she's likely still somewhere in the Palm Woods, so he sets off to find her. The only problem is he still keeps looking at the ceiling and giggling at shapes he hadn't seen before. This is fine. He wonders when this airy, light, carefree feeling enveloped him. It would be more enjoyable if he could focus and didn't have a mouth drier than the Sahara.
"Hey, Kendall!"
He feels like the words are probably said before Jo approaches him, but he can't tell. His brain is running Windows 95. "Oh... hi, Jo." He grins goofily at her, fighting an incessant urge to tie a lock of her pretty, blonde hair around his finger.
"Hey, so, I kinda have a serious question, if you don't mind... I just wanted to, you know, not cross any boundaries." She says and oh my God when did he get from the apartment to the Palm Woods main lobby.
"Oh, okay... shoot!" He grins. She pauses, brows knit together in confusion, but quickly replaces it with a small smile.
"You don't mind if Jett and I hang out a little more, do you? Just for this script. We've got a couple intense scenes coming up that I really want to be in the zone for. Anyway, we planned on going bowling today... I just wanted to run it by you to make sure you didn't mind."
"Me?" Kendall snorts. "Mind? ...Of coooourse I don't miiind! Psh, I'm just an easy breezy boyfriend, and what kind of easy breezy boyfriend doesn't let his girlfriend platonically innocently hang out with her super attractive male coworker?"
Jo narrows her eyes, cocking her head to the side. "So what you're saying is you do mind."
Kendall shakes his head quickly, because if he's being honest, he actually really doesn't mind, for once. The prospect of his girlfriend being alone with Jett usually sent his stomach in knots and his heart to his feet, but right now, he really could not care less. He trusted her and loved her and maybe he was a little overwhelmed with how pretty she was and how good she smelled. "Jo, I really don't. Hang out with him. Practice your script. I think it's super cool how dedicated you are to becoming your role."
"Thanks... um, are you sure? You're acting a little... weird."
He snorts dismissively. "What do you mean? I'm easy breezy. Living life to its fullest." With that, he grabs her shoulders and plants a firm kiss on her forehead. "Have fun, it's easy. Oh-- is that a new plant in the lobby?"
He isn't sure how long he inspects the leaves of the plant next to the entrance doors until he remembers what he's supposed to be doing. Not-so-casually, he walks out to the pool, spotting Camille sunbathing nearby. He approaches her and is slightly surprised when she says his name without even opening her eyes.
"Yeah, it's Kendall... have you seen my mom around anywhere?"
She peeks an eye open, raising her brow. "You don't know where your own mom is?"
"She won't answer her phone! Last I knew she was trimming Buddha Bob's beard."
Camille sucks in air through her teeth. "Oooh, yep, that's gonna take awhile."
"So have you seen her?" Once again, Kendall sees a succulent on the table next to the pool chair and his eyes widen, reaching out to run his fingers over the plant.
"No..." Camille was never the type to question anything out of the ordinary (Kendall and James still thought she was a witch), but she sure did seem suspicious right now. "What do you need her for?"
"Oh, nothing. Logan just feels like he's dying and wants us to call his extended family so he can say his goodbyes."
It takes Kendall about five entire seconds before he registers what he had said and stiffens.
"He what?!" Camille shrieks, tossing her aluminum to the side and jumping to her feet.
"No, Camille, wait, I'm sure it's just the flu!" He starts, but she's already charging into the Palm Woods and towards the stairs, rather than the elevators.
Kendall sighs, looks around, and grabs the succulent before racing into the Palm Woods.
Meanwhile, in apartment 2J, James has filled up nearly every cup with water from the sink (which he has also plugged the drain of and filled with water) and is about to start on the bowls when the door knocks.
"Can someone get that? I think it's my pizza." Carlos asks through a mouthful of tortilla chips.
Logan crawls out of the bathroom and doesn't stand until he's in front of the door. Hesitantly, he opens it.
"Three meat-lovers, two mediterranean chicken, one pepperoni, and one cheese." The pizza delivery guy reads off, only half of his face showing from behind the mountain of boxes. Logan takes the boxes carefully.
"Are you real? Or is this just a figment of my imagination? It has to be the latter, right? Not even Carlos could eat seven pizzas by himself. This is just me slipping into an alternate reality where everything is dramatized and everyone is a caricature of their true selves." Logan babbles. His eyes grow wide. "Are you going to steal James' water?"
The acne-ridden teenager holds his hands up defensively. "Hey, man, I'm just a pizza delivery guy."
Logan gasps. "Spoken like a true fraud."
"Whatever you say, man. Enjoy the pizza."
"Oh, we will, you... you... phony!" He then slams the door.
"Pizza!" Carlos shouts gleefully. Logan drops the boxes on the sofa.
"Are you... crying?"
"No!" Carlos insists while wiping a tear from his eye.
"If you're going to cry please do it over a bowl." Says James.
As if remembering how weird this situation is and how reality feels like it's slipping away from his grasp, Logan's stomach sinks and he makes a strangled noise of terror. There's a knock at the door once more and he shrieks.
"Don't let them know where I am!" He tells the other two and climbs up the swirly slide platform.
The door swings open, Camille bursting in with determination. "Where is he?!"
James nods towards the swirly slide.
"Camille, really, it's not that bad aaand she's already up there." Kendall sighs. He sits at the dining table, his newfound succulent friend in front of him. He giggles to himself as he touches the plant.
"Logan!" Camille exclaims when she reaches the top of the platform. Said boy is huddled in the corner, knees pressed to his chest and eyes frantic, like a dog in the rain. "What's wrong? Where does it hurt? Is it your kidneys?"
"I don't know you!" Logan cries. "You're not the real Camille!"
"Oh, no, it's worse than I thought," she presses the back of her hand to his forehead, frowning when it's cold rather than warm. "Logan, I need you to tell me when this started."
"Anywhere between thirty minutes ago and seventeen years ago." Even believing he's in an alternate reality, Logan still obeys Camille.
"Okay, and what did you do today?"
"I-I woke up, I had cereal for breakfast, I went to the pool with the guys, we came back, ate brownies, then played video games and now I'm manually breathing!" As if to emphasize his point, Logan begins to pant.
"Brownies...?" Camille suddenly whips around, placing her hands on the rail of the platform. "Guys, how are you feeling right now?"
"Scared for the environment." James.
"So... hungry..." Carlos.
"Fascinated by nature!" Kendall.
She jerks back around, eyes wide and lips curving up in an amused, relieved smile. "Oh my God, you guys are high!"
"Waaaaaah?" Logan gasps, brows quirking together in that strange way they do.
"You ate pot brownies!" She's throwing her head back and cackling. Kendall and James share a look. Witch. "America's hottest boyband is high on weed brownies!"
"You're crazy," Kendall looks up at her, "my mom doesn't make... oh, so that's what that new herb group she joined was about."
"We can't be high! Do you know the longterm effects marijuana has on brains under the age of twenty-five?" Says Logan, tone panicked but body visibly relaxed, obviously glad he found an answer.
"Relax, one little trip won't hurt anything." She tells him and slides down the swirly slide.
"What if, hypothetically, we had to go to the studio in say... thirty minutes?"
Camille looks at Kendall as if he's morphed into an alien. Then she laughs. "Yeah, good luck with that."
-
Kendall and his posse waltz into Rocque Records, trying to act as casual as physically possible. He's not sure how that's working out for them. James is blinking rapidly, Carlos is visibly sluggish from his pizza coma, and Logan is still pretty detached from earth. Kendall had assured them they were more than capable of recording a couple hours of vocals while a little stoned. Okay, very stoned, good Lord Mrs. Knight what kind of groups are you involved with?
The four of them don't even say hello to Gustavo or Kelly when they get to the recording booth. Instead, they each grab one of the many fruit drinks Kelly sets out for them and start chugging.
"Okay, dogs, first we're working on Windows Down, did you memorize your parts?" When no one replies, Gustavo repeats himself, albeit ten times louder, "DID YOU MEMORIZE YOUR PARTS?!"
Logan jolts, nearly choking. "Ah, ahem, yes."
"Why do we even need to memorize them? We're not performing live." Kendall says slowly after finishing off the bottle of blue liquid.
"Because I said so!"
Kendall gives Gustavo A Look.
"Ugh... because I want you dogs to be prepared for when you DO perform this song live, which, if all goes as planned, could be within the next month. So get in the booth!"
And, surprisingly, they get through the recording process pretty well. There's a few slip-ups, and the initial high is beginning to be replaced with an incredibly relaxed sort of high, but they manage. Kelly has to keep bringing them drinks, though she doesn't question it because at least they aren't squirting each other with it. They get a few songs done and then it's nearly five so they're ordered to go home.
"Dogs!" Gustavo bellows as the four begin to leave. Reluctantly, they all turn around. "I just wanted to say... I am pleasantly surprised with how good today's session went."
There's a pause, and then a disbelieving, "you are?" From Kendall.
Whatever trace of softness in Gustavo's expression drains. "Yes. I am. But don't push it!"
The boys begin to turn away again, waving goodbyes. Carlos hops to the front of them, looking at his friends with a huge grin. "See? I told Camille we would be able to record while high!"
They freeze.
Gustavo's desk chair creaks.
Kelly makes a noise of disbelief.
"What... did he say?" Gustavo says the words dangerously slowly.
"He said... he said he told Camille we would be able to record... after saying... bye!" Kendall pushes his three friends down the hallway, where they race out of the building in escape of Gustavo's unintelligible shouting and pounding footsteps.
And when they get back to the Palm Woods, they're all laughing so hard their cheeks ache and their stomachs are sore. They mock Gustavo on their way up to their apartment, where they open the door and drag themselves inside. The laughter quickly dies down, however, as they see Mrs. Knight giving them that motherly glare that just says you're in so much trouble. She's got her arms crossed and her foot is tapping and there is no way this can end well.
"Hello, mom." Kendall greets, unable to stop smiling. "What brings you here today?"
"I live here!"
"Could've fooled me... hey, you didn't mess with my water conservation camp, did you?" James asks.
She scowls, ignoring him. "I explicitly stated not to eat those brownies! You boys know better."
"Mama Knight, with all due respect..." Logan begins, faltering only slightly when she glares. "...you should not have left those unattended in a place where people like Carlos live."
"And it's okay, mom, really, we're fine. Well, James dried up all of California and Logan thought he saw the space time continuum tear, but we're chill, really!"
She raises her brows at the boys, unimpressed. Eventually, she sighs. "I know. I didn't expect to be gone that long. Buddha Bob's beard was so... coarse." She shivers. "But I don't want anything like that to happen again! You boys are too young."
"It won't. We're sorry, Mrs. Knight." Carlos says, surprising them all.
She sighs again. "It's okay. Who wants macaroni and cheese?"
And so the five of them sit around the table, the four boys each inhaling pasta like their lives depended on it. Mrs. Knight makes them drink all of the water James poured into cups and bowls, and it might be a lot, but all of them have mouths so dry their tongues are glued in place, so the water is gone pretty quickly, much to James' dismay. With the initial high worn off, now they can't help but laugh at pretty much everything, like when Katie begrudgingly walks into the apartment covered in cotton candy.
"And remember," Mrs. Knight stares at the boys sternly, "do not let ANYONE know that you guys had those--"
The front door abruptly bursts open, Camille and Jo flying in. "You guys got any of those brownies left?"
Katie emerges from the bathroom, still picking cotton candy out of her hair. "The weed brownies?"
Kendall gaps at his younger sister. "You knew?"
Before she can reply, Buddha Bob peeks his head into the apartment. "Did I just hear what I think I heard?
"No, you didn't!" Mrs. Knight retorts.
"Oh. That's a shame, I wanted to buy some."
Kendall, Logan, James, and Carlos glance between each other, doing that thing everyone around them hated, where they had an entire silent conversation. In unison, they all smirk, bumping their fists together in triumph of their idea.
And that's the story about how Big Time Rush became drug overlords. In one of Carlos' fantasies, that is.