Chapter Text
Two men approach a white civic with a pink Lyft sign lit in the windshield, the shorter one holding up most of the taller one’s weight.
“Hiiii!” the apparently more sober one chirps. “Are you Alex?”
“Get in, sir. Do y’all need the bucket?”
“Hmm…” the more-sober passenger contemplates, glancing at his companion who seems befuddled by the seatbelt. “Yeah, let’s do that.”
Alex hands back the bucket, a standard empty paint bucket which is lined with a garbage bag.
“What a great idea! You must be quite the entrepreneur.”
“Other drivers complain about drunk passengers but if there weren’t drunk people, I’d be out of a gig. So I came up with the idea for the bucket.”
“Well, I’ve never seen him throw up,” the more-sober passenger confides about his companion, “but then again I’ve never seen him quite so shitfaced, for lack of a better word. Do you have other entrepreneurial ideas?”
Alex lights up at the encouragement. “I have several, but I don’t share them—no offense—“
“Oh, none taken!”
“—and I want to go to business school eventually. I’m starting at community college in the fall.”
“Oh, really?!?”
“Yeah, I’m gonna go to Greendale because it was the cheapest.”
“Excellent choice! But how about you forget about any Greendale faculty you may or may not have driven this evening?” He glances at the drunker man, who never figured out his seatbelt and is smooshed up against the window.
“Greendale? I love that place!” the drunker man exclaims, before melting back into the window.
Alex ignores this and responds to the more-sober one. “I may not be union like the cabbies but I follow The Code!”
“The code?”
“Yeah, the sanctity of the taxicab confessional.”
The drunk friend proceeds as if he’s been speaking all along. “I mean, I love Greendale but not like I love you.”
“That’s sweet,” his friend says condescendingly, patting his knee. “Don’t forget about your bucket.”
“No, listen,” he continues, “not like I’m drunk and love everyone. I love you the most, okay? The most! … I mean, you seem pretty cool, Alex but I don’t love-love you. Just this guy here.”
Alex pulls up to the address on his app. “Do you need me to wait?”
“Nope,” says the soberer man. “We’re neighbors so I don’t need a ride after I get this one home….okay, five stars….thanks, Alex! You’ll make a great Human Being!” He walks around to the drunk passenger’s door and deftly pulls the larger man to his feet. “Up we go! Let’s take the elevator tonight, Jeff. You can work off the calories tomorrow.”