Work Text:
It was weird being at the cottage like this – alone. Well, not completely, of course. He had his parents, but it was the first time he had went there without Vegard. And it wasn’t even that big of a deal, he was already 30 and the other was supposed to arrive the same day, he had just decided to take a day off before Vegard, feeling symptoms of flu sneaking up on him.
So why would he even need his older brother accompany him everywhere? Still, it felt different, quieter, emptier and not as he remembered. It wasn’t as cozy and no matter where he looked, he had memories replay them in his head.
Sighing, Bård held back another sneeze as he pulled a sweatshirt over his head and picked up the gardening gloves from the kitchen table. In his honest opinion, it wasn’t yet warm enough outside to plant flowers, but his mother had read from some gardening magazine she was so into, that it was just the right weather. So who was he to say no?
The yard around their cottage was indeed something he really enjoyed even just looking at, though he wouldn’t say it out loud. It just made him feel at peace and he did love these calming waves he always had there rushing over him, lying down on the grass on a sunny day. He was outgoing, charismatic and often loud, some could even say all the time, but he had his moments, rare as they were.
He took the shovel from the shed near the house and stopped at the place his mother had picked out earlier. It seemed like he had to dig a pretty deep hole to plant this flower; it was more like a bush, but that actually made it fit better with the atmosphere that surrounded the whole place.
Rubbing his nose with the back of his hand, he got to work, sniffling a little. Of course it wasn’t just a regular cold in his case; it was the allergy that always bothered him in spring. It wasn’t too bad, not bad enough to get medicine at least, and even if he sometimes did, most of the time he forgot to bring it with him when going out. He was so used to spending his time in town anyway and even though people would say Oslo was pretty green, it wasn’t enough to make him sneeze like this.
„Hell,“ he muttered, throwing the shovel to the side and pinching his nose. The tickling was hard to bear and he had hit something, probably a rock, which made the continuing of digging almost impossible. At first he had thought it was a root of some tree nearby, but hearing the clanging against the shovel, he had decided on the rock.
Kneeling down, Bård pushed the dirt away with his hands, trying to get the grip of the obstacle. Gardening was much more work he had thought and they had filmed a video about doing it in extreme conditions... this was more extreme, he was pretty sure.
His surprise was visible, even though no one was looking, as he found a metal box, previously locked with padlock that had corroded enough to break only by touch. For a moment imagining it was some kind of treasure and chucking at the idea, he put it down and took off his muddy gloves, wiping his nose in relief.
At this moment something occurred to him, though the memory was as rusty as the box in front of him. The colours were bright in his head, however, as he made better sense of them. It must have been almost twenty years ago he and Vegard had come up with making time capsules. Well, Vegard had, and he had been keen to go along with the plan.
He didn’t even remember where he had buried his, but now he had found his brother’s by accident. Considering if going through 14 years old Vegard’s stuff was too rude or interrupting, he yanked the padlock open. There was much less stuff than he thought, but it felt special despite the fact.
First thing that caught his attention was a small model plane. If he remembered correctly, his brother had built it from the scratch and he once broke it when playing with it. He had been 10 and he had cried for hours afterwards, even though Vegard had gotten over his anger really fast – he was super forgiving towards his brother. Sometimes Bård thought it was the reason he was a bit full of himself – not that he admitted it out loud, like, ever – but it was obviously Vegard’s fault for giving in to every caprice of his.
There were some candy wrappers from different countries – the older Ylvisåker brother had had this habit of collecting the most interesting of things when he was younger. There was also a toy Donald Duck he had taken from him… and that bastard had said he had no idea where it was. Bård shook his head and laughed at all the things, remembering stuff from years ago. He had completely forgotten the task in hand, even though he had to sniffle from time to time.
On the bottom of the box, there was a carefully folded paper and Vegard’s handwriting was visible on the one side. Bård took it out curiously, thinking that maybe this was too much now. But they had been so young... and the other probably didn’t even remember this silly time capsule thing they had done. He hadn’t.
For my future self
I hope I am happy when I am reading this; probably ten or twenty years from now if I don’t forget this little box.
Actually I don’t even have almost anything to put in here, but I really just wanted me and Bård to do something like this together. Share this. Even though we are young, he maybe too young to understand the significance of this bond between us, I do, and hopefully one day he will, as well.
I can’t imagine my future. I can’t even imagine next year, not to mention next month. There are some things that are constant, like school and planes and physics, and some things that I hope that are constant. My world with my brother, for example. I can’t imagine my life without him. I read a book recently – about how siblings have lost one another and it gave me insomnia for days. I just worry too much.
But if I am reading this in the future, I hope I am now smiling, thinking how stupid and young I was, how silly my fears were. I hope I am still good friends with Bård, I hope we don’t fight, don’t live in separate towns or in separate houses. I hope we do something together, maybe have a rock band – that would be cool. Or anything, to be honest. I just hope I am with him, supporting him and receiving the same back since…
I really love him.
I really, really do.
So, dear future me – if things are not as I described, you better get your ass up from the ground you are probably sitting on and fix this. Don’t you dare to give up on something so special in your life. Don’t lose him. Make sure he is okay. And if things actually are as I described, you better voice your feelings more, I know how shy you can be.
Good luck.
Past Vegard
Bård felt laugh bubbling up in his chest as he folded the paper back together and pressed it to his heart. It soon found a way out – with giggles and wheezing sound because of the stuffed nose, but there nevertheless. He laughed until his eyes were watering, this time from something else than allergies. He laughed until he had to grab his side.
And slowly the giggles, the laugh itself, turned into sobs, most heartbreaking ones he had let out in years. It was as if his heart was broken into thousands of little pieces and he couldn’t do anything but to watch. This childish, yet so emotional letter had triggered something inside him that made him want to run a marathon and hide away under his bed at the same time. He felt incredibly happy having read it, incredibly thankful for having the life past Vegard hoped for.
Letting himself fall back, he was now sitting in dirt, tearstains covering his face as he tried to stop them, rubbing his hand over his cheeks and making those muddy as well. He swallowed and took a deep breath, pressing the letter back to the bottom of the rusty but oh so lovely box. Shutting the lid, he pressed a hand onto his chest, trying to calm himself down a bit more.
However, he had no idea Vegard could write anything like this or think like this in the present; he had seen so many videos of the interviews and it was always him staring his brother, eyes fixed on every little detail. He tried consciously not to do this, but it always just happened. Never with Vegard, though, it seemed like he was more distant, perhaps just managing his feelings better or actually not feeling anything alike to him. It was confusing, annoying and made him irrationally worried over everything, every event they had to attend together, he looked for the signs of something, was it the look sent towards him, was it the addition to his comment... or was it the look that said he was tired, he was done with him and he wanted to have more space? Did the letter still stand true or was it just a whim of a 14 year old boy? Had the present Vegard forgotten all this? Had he changed?
“Hey, you left your allergy meds-“ Vegard started, walking up to Bård who seemed to be busy with staring at something. He had just arrived, picking up a pack of medication Bård always left into the office, before driving to their cottage. Thankfully it was closer to Oslo than Bergen. He had barely talked to his mother, only stayed inside long enough to ask where his brother was. “Bård, you okay?” he demanded, eyebrows furrowed.
“Yeah, I’m…” the other started, but didn’t continue. He probably looked pathetic, sitting on a wet grass, hands and most of his clothes covered in dirt, a rusty box, pair of gloves and a shovel in front of him. “I found this and got distracted,” he finally said in a small voice, “and thanks, I really need those.” He picked the little box from Vegard’s hand and turned to walk inside.
“What’s this?” Vegard asked, taking a hold of Bård elbow. “Why are you upset?” there was a true concern in his voice, even though he seemed more lost than worried. “It’s not just the allergies, right?” he tried some more.
Bård shook his head. “Talk to you later, I need to clean up a bit,” he said, finally catching his breath. “You can plant this flower bush while you are here,” he added, trying to make a joke but failing miserably. Even his tone didn’t agree with him.
He quickly brushed past Vegard and headed inside. Thank god their father had decided to add a proper shower system to the cottage, or he would have been doomed, having to wait the sauna to heat up. But now he could just quickly hop into the shower and feel indifferently better in a short while.
Why had he been so upset? It wasn’t even moderately logical. He was happy, in general. Yeah, he was tired after doing so many shows and visiting places, so this small vacation was very welcoming. But he wasn’t unhappy with how things were going and despite the thoughts concerning Vegard and he being tired of working with him, he was actually pretty sure they weren’t true. Having been together for such a long time, from day to day, it was impossible to hide a fact that something was truly wrong. So it mustn’t have been.
Shivering from the cold, Bård picked up fresh clothes and headed for the bathroom. As always, after having a crying fit, he felt better, relieved and ready to tackle anything. It was as if something heavy was lifted from his shoulders. The downside being it was just momentary. The only emotion lingering was embarrassment of having his brother found him like this. By now, the other had probably figured out what it was and maybe read the letter over himself.
He heard his mother’s and Vegard’s voice when stepping into the corridor soon after. It was muffled so he couldn’t make out of the words, but he actually didn’t even want to. It was probably work or something like this; at least it was something he tried to convince himself in. He couldn’t bear the thought of Vegard telling their parents how he had been earlier. He probably wouldn’t, but… who knew?
Bård took a deep breath and headed to the room he and Vegard shared when staying at the cottage. It wasn’t big, but it had always been just enough for them. His brother’s bags were put neatly into the corner and he felt a bit ashamed, seeing how his stuff was already all over the place. Packing things up again was probably going to be a hassle – he hated doing it.
Throwing towel on the back of the chair, something on the table caught his eye. It was the same folded paper, the letter he had just read less than an hour ago. Wondering why Vegard had brought it there, he stepped closer to the desk and sat down. Was he angry at him for reading it? Was that why he had put it there, to remind himself to talk to the other later? Probably not, he had to admit. It was an old thing, it wasn’t like he had written it just yesterday or something.
The side that was previously clean from all the writing had something on it now.
To Bård.
Why would Vegard write this? Only confusion filled every thought he had in his mind now. He reluctantly picked the note up, feeling the texture of the paper that seemed to be worn, even though it had been locked away all this time. He folded it open nevertheless, eyes gracing over the same words. He could already member some parts of it by heart.
The door creaked open and Vegard entered, looking at him with comfort in his eyes, as Bård noticed, rising his head. “Hey,” he said quietly and the older brother nodded, smile appearing on his features. He had changed clothes and had a glass of water in one hand.
“I don’t think you took your meds,” he said simply, putting them on the desk beside Bård. The younger guy shook his head, feeling another sob somewhere deep in his throat. He swallowed quickly, taking one small tablet out from its cover and drowning it with water.
“Thanks,” he said finally and leaned back, placing the letter in front of him, before turning back to the other again. “And sorry, for reading it,” he added as an afterthought, sudden worry covering his face. He felt weird again, as if world around him was crumbling. Some words, some parts of the writing hit him too much for his own good. He had to constantly remind himself it wasn’t even anything recent.
“You don’t have to apologize for this,” Vegard assured him, stepping a bit closer and placing his hand on his shoulder. “Everything I said there is true. Every word of it, I still mean it. I know I don’t… show my feelings that much, but you have to know it, you know me so well. I really, truly love you.”
Bård closed his eyes and felt heartbeat in his ears. He had longed for it, but at the same time he didn’t want to hear it one bit. He abruptly stood up, needing some air and some space between himself and Vegard. The other didn’t budge, though, staying still on the same spot.
“What’s wrong, do you feel… ill in addition to these allergies? You have been working so much recently,” Vegard said, placing his hands on other’s shoulders and holding him in place, determined look into his eyes. “Maybe you should get some rest, sleep a bit? I can help mother,” he added softly, one hand brushing over Bård’s hair, making the other shiver a little.
“No, I’m… I’m just…” he couldn’t get any words out of his mouth, it was like invisible hands had gotten a hold of his throat, getting more and more tight. Everything crashed around him and he felt something like panic rise in him again, this time even stronger than before; before it had been more of sadness, not this. He had no idea why his feelings decided to start over boil right now, he had been stable and calm for so long.
But now he felt everything simply collapsing, he felt himself breaking. The reason he had left town earlier wasn’t that much of having no work but rather wanting to have some time by himself. It seemed to be like this all the time – when you liked someone or loved someone you couldn’t have, who it was impossible for you to have – you started to pay so much more attention to small things, everything you did seemed not to be enough, everything you said seemed to not be funny enough, not right enough.
“Bård, what in the world is wrong with you?” Vegard’s voice actually sounded scared this time. He wrapped his hands around his brother, moving them around on his back in soothing circles. “It’s okay,” he muttered into his ear and tried to convey the feeling with all of his body.
“I am just… I am just so scared,” Bård finally said, feeling a bit calmer and surprising himself. “You know, the letter? It is an exact portrayal of how I feel right now. How I hope we are still… friends and how we will never be apart in the future, how we stick together through everything. But… Vegard, we are not kids anymore, we can’t stay like this, clinging on each other, forever. It seems like you understand it but I don’t, or at least I don’t want to.”
Pulling away, Bård was forced to look into the other’s eyes. It wasn’t like him – breaking down in front of someone. He hated it and usually kept his calm until he was alone or at least out of the reach so no one would worry. Vegard probably understood all of those times he had avoided him, came home later or just locked himself into his room, but he had never commented, not in front of him. They were good at balancing each other, usually. So one’s frustration was almost never big enough to cause such breakdown anyway.
Vegard smiled apologetically, as if there was something he could do. He reached to Bård’s forehead and pressed a kiss there, a loving gesture that was somehow almost too much to bear again. “You will laugh at these thoughts in ten years,” he started, “like I can laugh about this letter right now. It’s impossible for something to change between us.”
“How can you be so sure? Nothing is sure with us, our success wasn’t, our TV show wasn’t, none of our performances are,” Bård muttered, feeling ashamed but relived at the same time, getting something off of his chest. “How do you know you don’t want to move on soon… I don’t know, start… start a family of your own, concentrate on this?”
“That’s impossible.” Vegard shook his head, eyes shining.
‘It’s impossible for me,’ Bård had to think, ‘I don’t have eyes for anyone else except for you. And you don’t even realize this, you have no idea.’ “Why?” he just asked in the end.
Vegard smiled, looking a bit sad, which didn’t fit to this mental talk Bård had had in his head about the same situation several times in the past months. Or was it even longer? He sighed and turned away, not stepping further, though.
“I think I’m going to lie down for a little bit,” he said after some moments of silence, finally moving towards the bed and letting himself fall onto the mattress. Vegard stood still, hands hanging on his sides, having nothing to hold onto anymore.
“Do you want me to go, or…?” he asked, eyes wide, a bit hesitant. It was uncharacteristic about him, even though he could play an innocent role, he was rarely so uncertain of himself. “I finished the job outside,” he added quietly. Bård caught his eyes.
“Or?” he asked, eyes fixed, not even blinking. Something important seemed to be going on and it was so much like him, holding on to that small straw of hope, no matter how fragile.
“Do you want me to stay here with you?” the other finally got out, stepping a bit closer to the edge of the bed. “We haven’t had any time to just be in each other’s company without having to talk about work, plans or music,” he added, sitting down just as Bård made some room for him.
“That would be… nice,” Bård replied. His eyes were still itchy, but it was slowly getting better. He wondered if another tablet would do the trick, but having no strength to stand up and get one, he gave up the idea. Vegard would probably get it for him, but he didn’t want him to stand up again, the other would probably be reminded of their parents who could use some more help around here, and at this moment he really didn’t want to be alone. No matter how or when he embarrassed himself, no matter in front of who, he never pushed away his older brother.
“Let’s try to get some sleep, right? I didn’t really have any time last night, finishing last minute business,” Vegard said, yawning and pulling the duvet over them.
Small smile managed to creep over Bård’s lips, as he remembered all the times something like this had happened. Even now, in the flat they owned together – sometimes they just didn’t care about separate rooms and ended up snuggling and sleeping in his or in Vegard’s room. It wasn’t normal in general standards, but it was for them. The closeness and bond that they shared was rarely known by anyone so at some point they stopped questioning it and just did what felt good. And being close to the person who was so important to you and who you loved so much was just perfect, there was no need to fight with this.
He held his hand out and even though Vegard didn’t see it, he seemed to feel it or understand the need in some other way since he interlaced their fingers, not even questioning or hesitant. Bård breathed out, relaxing immediately and letting the warmth surround him. He hadn’t even noticed how he was still shivering a little from being outside for such a long time.
He closed his eyes, having clouds to surround his mind lighten a bit, hands that were smothering him give him some more room. Sleep was about to overcome him, as Vegard turned a bit and whispered to get his attention.
“It can never happen, since I can’t even think about ever being with someone else, sharing a life with someone else,” he said, voice barely a whisper now. “You understand this, right? Tell me it’s not only me, Bård. Tell me I’m right.” He sounded a bit feverish and younger Ylvisåker opened his eyes, immediately locking them with his brother’s.
“This is not right,” Bård started, feeling the other stiffing beside him. “But you are right,” he added gently, resting one of his hands on Vegard’s curls. His heart was about to jump out and he didn’t even dare to blink nor breathe at that moment.
When he later thought back of it, he wasn’t sure how it happened or if it even did happen. At least it felt something that was impossible. But unbelievably wasn’t. Vegard closed up on him, slowly, eyes changing with every emotion that overwhelmed him in those seconds, those few moments that it took to move his head to be incredibly close to Bårds. And then he was too close; Bård’s vision actually blurred for a moment until he gave up and closed his eyes, feeling the most perfect lips touching his in the way no one’s ever had. He felt cold, he felt hot, he felt confused, happy and sad, he felt feelings bubbling up and disappearing at the same time, making room for only one of them – incredible love for an incredible person.