Chapter Text
Two weeks. It’d been two weeks since…I couldn’t even bring myself to say it. We didn’t even get to give her a proper burial. We ditched her in a car. Dumped her like she was a piece of trash. We meant to go back, but there was a herd, and no one wanted to waste the gas. Rick’d been worried about me, said I should eat more. But I figured, what’s the point; we’re all gonna die anyways. Maggie and I were never close before, at the prison. We still weren’t very close, but I felt bad for her. The only family she had left, gone, just like that. My own self-pity was overshadowed by my self-hatred, which I’d been dragging with me since the moment she got taken by the white-cross car.
Beth, my Beth, was reduced to a memory. And it was all my fault. I spent days thinking of how I could’ve stopped it, but that usually left me a sobbing mess or in a fit of anger. I never used to cry, but now I seemed to be doing it all the time. Everything reminded me of her. Judith took her first wobbly steps a few days ago and I found myself looking over my shoulder to tell Beth the news. But she wasn’t there. I became useless around camp, just a shell of the man I used to be. I was going on runs for a while, but I had so many close calls that Rick stopped inviting me to come with him. That was worse, in a way, because there was nothing to distract me from the rot forming in my head. An unmistakeable dark cloud crept in around me. It reminded me of when Merle died, but somehow it was worse. I smiled bitterly; what type of person missed some girl over their own flesh and blood. But I did. I missed her so bad. I rarely slept, because when I did, all I saw was the bullet going through her head. I woke up in cold sweats, wishing I could say it was just a dream. Carol tried to help as much as she could but I got the sense that I was too much for her to deal with. No one had helped me as much as Beth, and no one ever would. I was starting to doubt that I would ever get out of the mess I was in. I was starting to wonder if living was worth it if I was going to spend the rest of my life feeling the way I did now.
Glenn was forcing small spoonfuls of food into Maggie’s downturned mouth. She was curled into him, her bloodshot eyes staring into the fire. I sat next to them, avoiding Rick’s stare from where he was sitting across the way. Michonne sat in between Rick and Carl, shoveling food into baby Judith’s mouth. Rick said my name, but I pretended not to hear. He said it again, louder. I slowly looked up at him. His eyebrows knitted in concern but I just shook my head, looking back into the fire. Maggie let out a frustrated noise, in between a sign and a growl, and pushed Glenn away from her.
“Please, I need to be alone.” Glenn nodded, and stood up, motioning for the rest of us to join him. I waited until Rick was out of the circle to stand up, not feeling like having a heart to heart with him at the moment. As much as he tried, even though he’d gone through the same thing with Lori, he was shit at comforting people. As I got up, Maggie spoke sharply. “Stay.” I looked at her, confused. Her eyes relaxed, and she spoke again, almost begging. “Please.” I looked around, then sighed and sat down where Glenn had been sitting. I avoided her sad eyes, looking back into the fire, hoping that maybe it’s heat could burn the memories of Beth away. “You loved her, didn’t you.” It was as much of a statement as a question, and it caught me off guard. I felt the breath catch in my throat. It was a question I had never really asked myself. Cared for, of course. I'd gotten closer to her in the few months we were together than I’d ever gotten to anyone. But love? Could that explain why I was taking this so hard? Back at the funeral home, before everything went wrong, I had felt something. I didn’t know what it was at the time, but thinking back on it…
“Yeah.” I looked at her, her face remained stoic. “Yeah, I guess I did.” I expected her to yell at me, blame me for letting it happen, but she didn't. I almost wished she would've. Instead of getting angry, she just nodded. Sighing, she leaned her head on my shoulder. I let it rest there, finding it somewhat comforting.
“You miss her?” She asked, her voice barely a whisper. I bit the inside of my cheek, willing myself not to cry in front of her.
“More than anythin’.” Maggie swallowed, a silent tear falling from her cheek onto my shoulder. She quickly wiped her eyes, retrieving something from her belt. She placed the object in my hand gingerly.
“I want you to have this.” She said, sniffing. “Ain’t doin’ me no good anyways.” She smiled that sad smile again and I looked down to see what it was. I felt my heart clench as I held Beth’s knife up to the light of the fire. I looked at Maggie, scared that if I said anything I would cry. She knew what her gesture meant to me, smiling halfheartedly while putting her hand on my knee and giving it a light squeeze. “It’s gettin’ late. I should go to bed.” She said as she got up, grabbing her canteen and walking in the direction that Glenn and the others had gone. I stayed for a while longer, holding Beth’s knife and reminiscing of our time together. I eventually stomped out the dull flame and walked back to face another sleepless night without her.