Archive of Our Own

Good afternoon passengers. This is the arrival announcement for flight 89B to Incheon. We hope you had a peaceful fight and journey throughout. Now, we kindly request all of the passengers to cooperate with their fellow mates and move accordingly. The baggage would be available on belt 12. We hope you have a great time in South Korea. Thank you.

Suddenly, it felt strange to hear his mother tongue outside of his house. Canada had been his town and Korea had been his home. A place he has never been to, a place he thought to be his, he corrected himself. Breathing in the aroma from the air conditioner, he felt the Korean air sending chills to his body, but certainly less cold and harsher than Canada. A place where he could start afresh with a pure heart and sincere intentions hiding his underlying emotions.

It felt surreal, people talking to each other in Korean casually, how he had to resort to English in Canada outside the similitude of his house.

His phone vibrated against the pocket of his hip.

"Yes Renjun, I'm here," Mark said, carrying his legs forward.

"I'm sorry, I couldn't be there. I shouldn't have left you unattended in a new country."

Mark didn't like the guilt in his voice.

"It's lovely here, don't worry. It's exciting to do this stuff alone."

"I am sure the taxi driver would help you, I would be waiting for you."

"Okay."

He sipped the water from the bottle yawning after a long flight and his eyes fell out of the window through his glasses. He wanted to throw them away, and he did. But only in his bag. As much as he didn't know about the new country, he was aware that a jail could be no good place to reside in, either Canada or Korea; for he had to throw things or any sort of trash on an empty road.

He exchanged an awkward tiny hug with Renjun because they haven't ever seen each other in body and flesh. Just a few face calls and texts. But he didn't deem that it would be awkward to live with Renjun.

After all, it was he who recommended the idea of coming to Korea for the start of college. It was less difficult than Mark expected, sure, his parents didn't have him unquestioned of his decision, but didn't have him inspected as his uncle James did. He was glad he didn't have to answer their obvious yet piercing questions.

He felt welcomed by nobody except for Renjun but was bid a hearty farewell by everybody except his uncle.

Renjun studied Fine Arts, the similar one he did. Literature, he declared to himself. He wondered when he could declare that to his parents.

Is that the reason he ran away?

Okay, no. Out of all people, Mark knows that's not the reason.

Or say, that's not the only reason.

But this reason was enough for his parents to shatter. The fear of getting abandoned remained, always.

Mark knew the head and tail about Renjun's life and so does Renjun, about him. But Of course, Renjun doesn't know about the whole body. Mark doesn't know the finer and closed details but he knows that Renjun has a boyfriend, here in Korea, Jeno, he recollects the name to be. Renjun goes to art therapy, which he mistook as an art class earlier.

That's how they got to know each other as well, Mark smiled to himself at that thought. Apparently, talking to a person separated by a screen was much easier to him, comforting too, Mark adds. Filling the void of social inactivity with a not-so-stranger lent him momentary joy and hope.

Sharing their works on social media with each other, they grew intrigued by each other's skills, and Mark came to a sensible comprehension that they got closer because of the words they wanted to hear for themselves and say to others.

Mark closed his eyes and met darkness, and he could blame it on the absence of light in the room. The snow bridge over the river he saw his reflection along with his uncle when he had teared up with physical pain when a belt made a mark on his skin. When he got scolded for tearing up for something that was done for his well being. It's still there, even miles away, lingering and wavering and reminding of the mess it was.

University felt new. Well, everything is bound to be new. Nothing unusual outside. About the unusualness within himself, he doesn't want to find it with years of normalizing his emotions.

Distracting himself from the college work- at this point, he didn't know if he was distracted from the college or with the college, from his skepticism.

Fatigued with the lack of sleep, he chugs a cup of coffee while Renjun blabbered about his experiences of learning a new concept in the class.

Mark wished he was more attentive.

"There he is," a couple of boys arrive at their counter, signaling Renjun and one of them sat down on the chair. The other boy grabbed a chair from the empty table and took a seat too.

Mark expected who'd be there.

"What happened, guys?" Renjun asked, alarmed, as he saw two of his friends.

Mark eyed two of them closely, one of whose hair reached curved on his head and a shorter boy, slightly darker. Probably, tanned, Mark thought. Seoul is a country where most of them are fair.

"Well, you ditched your boyfriend for your new online friend, so," Jeno, now, Mark discerned, joked.

"Well, even me," the other boy answered, widely catching Renjun laughing.

"I didn't mean to," Renjun said defensively, "Mark doesn't know anybody here, so. It's new for him."

Mark didn't like the hurt in Renjun's tone, again.

"I'm sorry, I am fine, to be honest. You can carry on," Mark packed his stuff into his bag, hurriedly.

"Hey, you don't need to," Jeno smiled, gently.

Mark understood where Renjun always got his reassurance from.

Renjun nodded and introduced Mark to them formally, "This is Jeno, of course, you'd know about him. And this shithead is my best friend, Donghyuck. Pain in the ass, but a smartass, gotta agree."

Donghyuck.

The other boy was named Donghyuck.

The other boy- Donghyuck retaliated, "Hey, please don't insult me in front of a new person. Don't spoil my image."

"If you had an image, l would think of spoiling it," Renjun shrugged.

"Hyuck, the only image of you we have is you being a problem child, when you aren't even a child anymore." Jeno joked.

"I don't like you today, Lee Zeno," Donghyuck gave out a sulk.

Mark chuckled suddenly between all this, seeing their course of playful arguments. Ignoring a foreign feeling he focussed on the next argument by Jeno.

"Yeah, actually, please don't. Never. I can't witness another murder by Renjun."

"Although I could kill you for other reasons except for liking my boyfriend too," Renjun continued.

"Oh geez- you both are so gross, of course I don't mean it that way. And now, let's stop embarrassing ourselves more in front of Renjun's friend." Donghyuck admits.

Mark felt awakened again as he felt the course of the conversation to revolve around him.

After a silent awkward pause, Mark took his hand forward, "Mark. Mark Lee."

"Cool. We have the same surname, I'm Lee Jeno." Jeno shook his hand.

"Lee Donghyuck. I have the same surname too," the boy smiled.

Both of them studied business and accounts and claimed to have known Renjun since high school.

They were nowhere near being scared of Mark. Renjun's friends weren't unwelcoming of him, he hoped nobody was pretending with him. But, he brushed off the thought because not everybody would pretend about themselves to the world, like him. Not everybody is a coward like him. Not anybody, rather.

Donghyuck and Jeno talk to him along with Renjun, and he is glad to not be left out. Maybe, if somebody had betrayed him to them, they would have left him behind too.

But again, he had left many things too.

However, immediately there is a following thought of how much he wished he left everything of it too. But he wasn't able to. His nightmares bring the memory of what he wanted to leave behind. They are less common than his habit of throwing up the food he had eaten. But the tiredness always resided, adding to his headache.

He said that it was the jetlag to Renjun when he has asked multiple questions. But even he knew that it had been more than two weeks, he came to Korea.

Once, Renjun came to his room and backed off, "oh, it's you? I suddenly got scared." Renjun chuckled, Mark did too, but drier.

All the time Mark thought.

"You don't like it here?" Renjun asked him, that night.

Mark smiled and hoped it gave as much as assurance Jeno had given to him, "It's perfect. I'd just have to adjust here and it will be fine, I promise. The food here is spicier, so I would need time to get adapted" He didn't want Renjun to go through the guilt of calling him over when his own mind was tempted to do so.

Renjun prepared him a warm tea, "As much as I can guarantee you are not ugly, these dark bags don't suit you at all."

Mark held the cup and let the warmth compensate for his coldness.

"When I had a hard time sleeping, my mom prepared this for me, which is like every other day, honestly. And it really did help me. I'm not as good as my mother but I hope it helps you."

"Thank you Renjun, I appreciate your concern, but you don't have to take the worry."

He wished somebody would say this to him too; to not worry. But he wondered if he could ever stop worrying. He didn't know if his worries were the causes for his lessening appetite and indigestion or if it was the result of his unhealthy eating habits.

Either way he felt unhealthy. He was unhealthy.

Did he really make the right decision?

~~

Donghyuck groaned on his couch catching his head as he lay, tired. He closed his eyes in relaxation until he felt a spank on his head.

"Chenle, you wanna bleed?" He asked, still closing his eyes. If he had opened his eyes, he would be glaring at his baby brother.

"Certainly not. But I can say you have a death wish because you haven't cleaned the room."

"Oh shit, mom's gonna kill us," he woke up alarmed, genuinely tensed.

"Only you. remember? It's your turn."

"Bloody hell, why do you always push me? You could have just done it, you know your busy brother." Donghyuck defended.

"Busy? My foot. All you do is go to college. I attend music classes and practice basketball unlike your lazy self," Chenle said, throwing his shows to the side.

"And you study in high school, while I'm doing college. Don't question my work, you weak one."

Although the topic of music class concerned him. Chenle had been pestering him to join the class ever since the day he had started going which ended up in him pushing the subject like a plague.

"Okay what the heck is this house?" A middle-aged man entered the hall as he saw both of his children casually laying on the couch.

"Aish, you both. I come from work and see this mess? Can't I have peace?" He said, partly irritated and partly tired.

None of them answer.

"What a life, I can say."

"Trust me, I have never seen a psychiatrist complain about life," Chenle added.

"Chenle ya," Donghyuck and his dad said out aloud together, "shut up." The young one chuckled.

"Well, I had to deal with people with mental illness in the hospital and my house, so. I might as well catch one, even." His father said, referring to both his sons. They snort.

After moments of silence, Donghyuck lay his head on his father's shoulder as he came to the couch. He spoke out, "Papa, do you think it's right that I join music classes along with Chenle?"

"Of course-" Chenle says out loud but is again interrupted by Donghyuck.

"Stop. I asked Papa, not you."

The man chuckled, "We'll, I don't see anything wrong in what Chenle suggested. I wonder why you don't wanna go."

Donghyuck said after thinking, "It's not like I'm negative or something, just- it's been a long while and I stopped it so."

He was hesitant.

He was assured by the words, "and this is the age you rediscover your long lost passion. And music would help you relax too. So I recommend it."

"You think so?"

"Hmm."

"I will think of it," Haechan breathed out, looking at his father as he felt an arm around him.

"Me too," Chenle whined.

"It's not for you this time, mummy's bootlicker," Donghyuck teased but his father laughed and hugged him later too.

~~

Perhaps it was the vibe of the Asian country because Mark doesn't remember time passing by so quickly back in Canada. Assuming that, he argued to himself that it's probably because of how self-aware he was back in his house. The new home, in the beginning, seemed like independence and a brand new page with a clear view of what he was doing with no Uncle to judge him like a hawk, but he was too quick to assume. His Uncle wasn't around, but he just was.

He hears his voice around his head and his anger appears in his eyes every time he isn't concentrating on academics. His scar stings in fresh pain as he punishes himself for the menace he's being to himself.

“Sometimes, the only way to discipline yourself is seeing the scar of your punishment. More the pain, more the change,” After all, whatever he taught him was for his well-being.

The only common thing that surrounded him in both countries was being anxious. It was his giant red spot, a swirling hurricane whose destruction is visible pain all across his mind and body.

The same nightmare followed him, in his dreams, and reality. The same snippets of his uncle handing chocolates to his friends in elementary school, with his beautiful smile which Mark always wanted him to have whenever he was with him. Perhaps that beautiful face hid his cursed words and the poison he created inside his friends who started to fear him in the future.

“You shouldn't be around people who will be bad company to you. I know better of what you deserve, Mark.”

Of course. His Uncle knows better. But he doesn't know it's not better to be feared in school. To be alone in school. And probably that's the reason why he fears being friends with Renjun or even Jeno and Donghyuck. He feels his Uncle might be around anywhere and one day, his friends would leave him, fear him and hate him.

“Back to earth, Mark,” Renjun snapped. Mark flinched and nodded with a smile. He swallowed the tablet in front of him while Renjun handed him a cup of tea. His tea making skills improved and now Mark couldn't go a day without Renjun. “I don't know, Mark… you still look…terrible,” he added.

Mark knows.

“Bad dreams again?” he asked. Mark hated the question. He didn't want him to bother, but he nodded anyway. He heard Renjun let out a sigh. Was Renjun regretting calling him here? Maybe Renjun was thinking how messed up Mark's health is… Or he might be disgusted and want him to go away.

Renjun slid a visiting card on the table, saying, “I met him through Donghyuck's father, who is also a doctor if you didn't know.” Renjun paused while Mark looked up at him. “You can consider a visit to him. He was the one who suggested art therapy to me, he's a nice person, Mark. And I see you skipping sleep and meals too often and it's more than a month to call it jet lag. And you seem to have had dreams too often…” Renjun paused again.

Mark took the card and looked at it for a second. “I- you don't need to worry about me too much, but thanks for the suggestion.”

“Now don't be too formal with me. We are real offline friends who care for each other genuinely,” Renjun said with a smile.

Only if Renjun knew how much it meant to Mark. So much so that it almost made him tear up.

“You don't need to rush or anything. I'm just giving you alternative advice if this keeps getting worse,” he added to which Mark nodded.

A week later, Mark had enough. He was here and he had no intention to go back home. Get home and have bad dreams every 2 days and give new scars to himself. He didn't want to cry in his sleep or scream in his sleep or hear the owls in the middle of the night when he cried thinking about cheating his parents and expecting it to help him drift off to sleep.

He has had enough. Everything was wrong with him, he was sure of it. Ignoring the tight feeling inside him and his nervousness making him feel nauseous, he told himself, it's what it is.

He opened the door of the cabin to find a man, arranging his papers on the table.

“Oh come in,” he said, with a smile when he looked at him.

“Dr Taeyong?” he asked to which the man nodded.

“And I assume you're Mark?” he questioned to which Mark let out a breath of nervousness. “Sit down, Mark. Relax, don't be nervous,” he said.

Mark cleared his throat. “So, uhm, Renjun said he talked to you about me…”

“Uh-uh… a very little bit.”

“So, uh, he still talks?” Mark asked, not knowing how to start the conversation.

“Sometimes,” he said, his attention going back onto arranging the papers on the table, “Updating his progress and his art therapy stuff. So, you met him online?”

“Yeah. A few years ago…we had so many similar interests…we clicked. I came here with his suggestion.”

“Your parents were okay with it?”

“Oh, Oh no… not at all. They were really worried, especially my Uncle. He didn't want to send me here at all… but I still wanted to be here. Just wanted to run away.” Mark let out an awkward chuckle.

Taeyong nodded. “So, how's your appetite?”

“Sometimes bad, sometimes too good…” Mark fake laughed.

“I assume it's the new place and water changes, the climate would have a great impact on you. Do you like the food here?”

“Yeah. It's delicious. Sometimes I can't handle too much spice. But yeah… sometimes I can have a good meal but sometimes I just vomit. It's a vicious cycle.”

“And your sleep?”

Mark hesitated to begin. “It's the worst thing… frequent bad dreams and sometimes I just can't sleep at all.”

“What are the bad dreams about, Mark?”

Mark looked down and intertwined his hands to stop them from shaking, “That I keep losing my friends, my Uncle keeps telling them bad things about me… my parents abandoning me…”

Taeyong hummed. “Were these dreams frequent back in Canada too?”

Mark closed his eyes and nodded, “It's what made me want to run away.” he let out a sigh. “I just don't feel great, I - it's like - someone is constantly choking me…”

“It's alright. Drink some water, Mark.” Taeyong handed him a glass of water.

“Did you tell your parents about it?” he asked.

Mark's shaky hand reached his mouth to wipe the sweat and closed his eyes, collecting himself, he shook his head, “There's a problem… They don't know that I'm studying English Lit. They assume and want me to do business...but, it's not something I love doing.”

“How about you tell your uncle?”

Mark gasped in fear, “What?! No, he would probably- no. I can't.” he looked down.

“Mark, is everything between you and your parents alright?”

Mark gulped down a lump in his throat and nodded, “Yes. But I'm just not - I don't think they would take this casually… they are very particular and probably kick me out of the house and never look at my face…” he pressed his hands more tightly.

Taeyong nodded. “Do you often feel nervous like this?”

Mark bit his lip and nodded but didn't say anything.

“I understand it's hard, Mark, but you need to tell me.”

“Too often… sometimes I just hyperventilate in the middle of the class and sometimes in my sleep…sometimes I'm thinking and I shake…” he said, folding his hands against his chest tightly gripping onto himself.

“What do you think?”

“Just. My Uncle, I get scared. My parents… I feel sad and bad.”

Taeyong nodded. “Take deep breaths. Relax, Mark.” and he remained quiet for a minute or two. Mark gulped down some more water.

“Sometimes diet can be a huge issue for sleep problems and vice versa. So, you need to take care of both of them and give attention to them equally. I assume you drink more coffee because you didn't get enough sleep,” Mark nodded. “It can happen. But I suggest drinking more water. Keep yourself hydrated. Eat complex carbohydrates like oatmeal, whole-grain cereals. Balanced diets.

“And for your sleep, relax, try not to think of anything, take deep breaths and concentrate on the air entering the body and leaving. Try to keep a schedule and go to bed at that time. I suggest meditating and going outside in the sunlight. Will you try these and tell me the results next time we meet?”

Mark nodded. “And… I know it might be hard to tell your parents. But I suggest you make moves. Small talks. Will you try it and tell me about it too?” Mark nodded.

~~

Mark tried his best to stick to the personal schedule he made. He failed it miserably the first few days. But now, he was struggling and trying his best to adjust. Renjun had been a great support to him and helped him to make tea the way he makes it.

Mark panicked and didn't lift the call when his parents tried to talk to him. He texted them instead that everything was alright. He assumed the texts were also some kind of "small talk".

The next few days were better without throwing up the little amount of food he ate. His sleep was still messed up but he managed to do more hours compared to the first month.

Mark hated the days when it rained. The cloudy days made him more anxious.

With the loud creak of their main door, he jumped. Screw the loud noises.

“I think we need to do something about the door…” he told Renjun who gave him a nod.

Renjun opened the door to meet Jeno with a pout and Donghyuck who immediately walked inside. “You said you would come over…” Jeno let out.

“Do you still have the brownies I got yesterday?” Donghyuck asked and walked towards the fridge.

Renjun gasped, hitting his head, cutely, “Bad Renjun,” he said, completely ignoring Donghyuck.

“Hey, Mark!” Jeno greeted him as he came inside. Mark smiled and looked over to Donghyuck who was smelling the brownies. He raised his eyebrows when their eyes met.

“What? My mom said no sugar for a week.”

“Did he come here because of that?” Renjun asked Jeno whose sulky face dropped into a beautiful giggle while his eyes formed two crescents with his smile and he nodded.

“You shouldn't do it if your mother doesn't want you to…” Mark mumbled and looked away, considering himself and what he did.

“Oh, Canada, come on.” Donghyuck looked at him. “And it's not my fault okay? We usually have a week of no sugar but Chenle ate them last week and said I did it. And my beautiful mom extended this for another week.” he added, as he took a bite of it. “Oh, Chenle is my brother by the way.”

After a few minutes of sitting in silence, Renjun yelled, “Hey! It's raining!”

Hey. It is raining. Mark thought.

“So what?” Donghyuck said.

“Let's go out?” Renjun asked.

“You might get sick, Junnie,” Jeno said.

“Do you want me to come over to your house or not?” Renjun raised his eyebrows. Jeno sighed and walked into Renjun's bedroom to get an umbrella.

Renjun turned back to Mark and Donghyuck, “Wanna join us?”

Donghyuck looked back at Mark wanting him to answer first who replied with an, “No… I'm fine.”

“Pass,” Donghyuck said.

“Boring. So boring.” Renjun shook his head and got up. “Nono, hurry up!” he shouted, cutely.

“Nono?” Donghyuck laughed and gagged.

Renjun raised his eyebrows, “Do you want me to throw the brownies?” he asked. Donghyuck shook his head and bowed as an apology which made Renjun laugh.

When the couple left the house, Mark turned to Donghyuck, “Why didn't you go with them?” he asked.

“Do you think I would go and watch them do their couple stuff? No way,” Donghyuck said. Mark hummed and looked outside. The rain reminded him of all those days that he thought he had left back in Canada.

“Are you gonna say something or keep looking at the rain?” Donghyuck said.

His voice made Mark look at him, “I don't have anything to say to be honest… you tell me.”

Donghyuck shrugged. “My brother's busy with my mom… studying those orbitals and hybridization bullshit.”

“I heard it's bad…” Mark retorted.

“You heard it right.”

“My mom's the right person to do this homework stuff with,” Donghyuck added. Mark nodded and looked outside again.

Homework.

Mark remembers shivering in the rain while his uncle would look at him with those angry eyes, screaming, “What's twelve times six, Mark?”

That little Mark would cry out loud and shake his head, unable to answer. After an hour or two of standing in the rain, his uncle would make him write the table 10 times in those wet clothes.

Mark would beat himself for not being the first rank in his class. And would revise the syllabus again in those wet clothes in his high school days while his uncle would watch him do it.

“So you don't have siblings, Canada?” Donghyuck distracted him again. Mark shook his head.

“Lucky. You don't need to share the room. It must've been good in Canada. Do you like it here?”

“I like it here a little better,” Mark replied to which Donghyuck nodded.

“My little brother is little shit, correction: big shit. I love to watch him struggle with his subjects though. And thank God for this business, I'm gonna become a big entrepreneur in the future, become the CEO and be rich-”

Something Mark was supposed to be.

“-and tease the hell out of my brother,” he said. “I recently joined a music school, because he forced me to… and I realized he has the voice of an angel, screams like a dog and laughs like a dolphin, a very rare and deadly combination,” he said to which Mark let out a giggle. “Do you love listening to music?”

Mark nodded and Donghyuck's eyes sparked up when Mark mentioned his favourite singers.

“Wow… we both match so well. Let's sing a few songs, what say?”

Mark smiled and nodded, pushing the thoughts about the rain.

~~

Mark fiddled with the screen lock a few times before clicking to call his father's number. This was good progress, he noted. Taeyong would be pleased, but this is not supposed to be for Taeyong, Mark. This is for you. Yes, Mark needed a proper hearing of that.

But he would agree that he felt a lot better by applying all the rules by Taeyong and sleep was a lighter place for him to drift to. His thoughts were interrupted by his father's voice against the phone. In the background, he could hear the noises of a scanner making him wonder if he had called him at the wrong time, disturbing the office premises for the nonsensical talking he was going to offer.

"Yes, Mark?" His father answered, nevertheless. He didn't sound busy though.

"Hi Dad, are you busy right now? In the office?"

"No no, it's 7 pm, what would I do in the office?" His father chuckled.

Oh right.

"Yeah, I forgot actually." His father hummed and asked further, "So how's it there, Mark? Do you like it there?"

"Oh yes, of course. I thought it would be difficult but Renjun helps me with stuff. He does a similar course so we are together most of the time."

"Oh, I'm glad. He does BST too? That's nice, you could help each other."

Oh shit. "Yeah, I guess," he said hesitantly. But he necessarily didn't lie. Not this time, but he had been, all this time, and even this time, he subtly hid it. Mark considered his defense useless and unethical. He diverted the topic by asking if his mother could join him and was gladly welcomed by his Mother's warm voice.

He wished to hug her closely but resorts to thinking that he doesn't deserve it. He continued, "I made new friends too; They are Renjun's pals and I occasionally talk to them." He wondered if he was allowed to label Jeno and Donghyuck as friends yet if they were readily accepting of him in that way, that close. He made certain that his uncle was in no proximity to share his conversations with.

"And your health? Do you feel right, there?" His mother asked.

"Yeah, had a problem with the jetlag before but it got sorted out now. The weather is quite nice, less cold so it feels great, to be very honest."

"Oh, well, our son seems to be happier alone than his parents, huh?" His father jokes. And Mark suddenly regrets running away and questions the love he could have gotten in Canada.

"It's not like that-"

His mother continued, her voice consoling, "It's okay, Mark, we are happy that you have grown as a big boy, an independent boy." A fraudulent boy, an anxious, scared boy, a coward.

He heard a few random things from his parents from the other side and he heaved a sigh of nothingness before hanging up. His parents deserved to be happy and proud, but not be eclipsed by the shadow of the untruth their son was posing.

Maybe he was taught right, his uncle was right, he had always been right, probably. And Mark was the one at fault. For the fallacy he had caused to the rest of the world, he did deserve punishment.

His waist was colored red by that night.

~~

He awkwardly held arms to his chest upon taking a seat on Taeyong's couch as he saw the latter coming out in an informal attire from the last time they met. Makes sense because they were having the session in the house this time. Mark didn't want to question the change of place because he liked the idea of being in a house instead of a clinic.

Taeyong took a seat and nodded before greeting him a pleasant afternoon. Mark started awkwardly, "So, what now?" He rubbed his temple with his two fingers.

Taeyong repeated the action, imitating him causing Mark to shove his hand away, "You should tell me. Your parents, did you talk?" He chuckled seeing Mark's reaction.

"Yeah, I know you asked me to talk-" Mark suddenly retorted, "Please tell me if you are not- I mean, if it's okay if I talk in a second person."

Taeyong smiled, "It's fine, I'm not that old, to be honest."

"Oh. So, Yong is actually young," Mark tried to make a pun but was met with silence.

"You can crack better jokes Mark, mark my words." He winked. A light-hearted laugh by Mark followed later.

"So, I talked to them for real. But only once," Mark said, carefully searching his words, "And it was kind of awkward to be honest," he chuckled out of nowhere, "I mean, we didn't have much to talk except for the stupid stuff, we can't talk all day."

Taeyong added, "Added to that fact, one of the party is careful about their things, so it's understandable."

Mark doesn't need to ask what Taeyong was talking about. It's true, a part of the reason why he wasn't fine was because of his constant habit of being cautious around his parents about his course and everything in general.

"Do you ever plan to let it out?" The therapist asked.

"I don't know? Haven't thought of it, yet. But even if you let it aside, don't you think it's awkward for parents and children to talk for a long time? I mean, what could elders and kids talk about? I'm not a literal kid, I know, but still. Our subjects are different." Okay, this defense is sensible.

"Well, I used to talk to my parents a lot, even when I am away, to be honest."

"Used to?"

"Now, I only talk with my father."

"Your mother?"

He held his chest and made an effort to smile, "she is in heaven."

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have asked." Taeyong nodded as if it was fine and continued, "I can say, sometimes parents and their children don't really talk much and I get your reasons too, but it's normalized at an unhealthy amount. You should have the space to speak out freely, it's vital."

Mark didn't pay to hear about his messed up life from others, he knew it himself. Not knowing what to say, he continued, "I get fewer nightmares now, thanks for the advice."

"What about your appetite?"

"It has improved too, and I made efforts to have food in small amounts for frequent times. I don't feel hungry, to be honest, but at least I don't puke."

"I'm relieved to hear that. And how's life?"

Rubbish. "How do I answer that? Not great but fine, I guess?" Mark pretended to think for a while and laughed hoping it didn't sound rather fake, "I got to meet new people. Renjun's boyfriend, Jeno, and his other friend, Donghyuck. They are nice to me, I feel comfortable," he hoped the feeling was mutual.

"Oh, do you usually hang out?"

"Yeah, since Renjun and I live together, they meet him in our dorm and they are kind enough to permit me into their small circle. Donghyuck especially, he seems to have a heart of a warm figure as he always brings something to eat. He greets me with a smile making efforts to keep me sane, but," he bit his lip and stopped speaking. He looked at the ground blankly.

"You don't feel welcomed by them?"

Mark was quick to retort, "No no, they are nice. That's my fear."

"I don't understand."

Mark didn't understand either. He didn't understand why his friends abandoned him that way. What had his uncle warned them? How could possibly Mark harm them in any way?

"I don't know, I have been-" alone most of the time. Mark licked his lips and gulped the saliva and after a few seconds of awkwardness, he grabbed the glass of water to chug it down. He breathed out.

"Mark," Taeyong looked at him in Inquisition, and spoke in a softer and calmer voice, "You know, I won't judge you in any way right? I'm a therapist. And just so you know, I have seen worse cases. Please don't hold back."

Mark looked at the roof twisting his brows and said into the air, "I didn't have a healthy relationship with my friends, so it scares me. High school, I didn't have any friends; and before, I was not allowed to meet my friends."

"Sorry?"

"I was told that they have been a bad company to me, spoiling me, so I never got to be with anybody. So this new thing scares me."

"You never had any friends before?"

Mark's chest felt heavy at that question, "Well, I did meet Renjun online. And elementary school, I was fine but eventually I lost them because," he thought for a while to contemplate if he was allowed to say it aloud.

"I'm sorry that happened but you don't have to hold yourself back because genuine nice people exist. I hope you trust Renjun, at least."

"I do, I trust them a lot. Jeno and Donghyuck are nice people."

"Yeah, not everybody is going to scold you like your uncle."

Mark answered, rather questioning, "My uncle is not a bad person, he was just strict. Very strict I know, but yeah." Taeyong nodded and Mark continued, "It's probably because he had been more like a teacher figure to me, I guess? Because he frequently helped with homework and always taught the school stuff. I never went to a separate tutor because uncle handled it all the time."

"Oh, I presume you are close to him. That's nice."

"We aren't intimately close or anything. And no, I can't handle any small talk with him either, to be honest. My parents are better. He just takes extra care of me, advising me, scolding me," taunting me. He wanted to say. He held his breath and said it as soft as a murmur, "he taunted me too."

"Taunted?"

"Yeah, like he sometimes went far scolding me and punishing me," and collected his inner strength to say what he had been expected to say and taught to say, "it's just that he is a disciplinarian and doesn't handle shit."

Taeyong asked, "Can you elaborate?"

"Uhh…"

"Mark, you are paying me for this, come on." He said in a lighter tone to encourage him.

"This is kind of weird but he didn't let me buy my favorite snack or candy."

"You can choose to not answer this question, but is your family financially unstable?"

"No, it's nothing like that."

"I asked because you are mostly left with your uncle and you say you aren't allowed to buy things, so."

"No, it's just that he doesn't want to make me a spoilt kid. A rich one, you see. But he genuinely helped me a lot. I learned more math from him than my teachers," that's why he hadn't taken that subject anymore.

"Okay. I guess that makes sense, you are scared of him, aren't you?"

"Yeah?" He answered and with an internal debate, he said again, "well, isn't that obvious though? Anybody would be, I mean he scolded me so much in the past, and even now, sometimes. But as I said, he was a particular person and made sure I never failed." There are more failures in life other than a test paper.

Taeyong again asked him, carefully, "Did he ever hit you?"

Isn't it normal?

No, it's not.

But uncle is a different person and had his own ways to bring Mark to practice.

Yes, that makes sense.

When Mark remained silent, Taeyong got his answer and Mark knew. But both of them chose to ignore it.

"Do I have to shift tablets ever again?"

"Please don't. It's not healthy."

"Okay."

"Is there something that excites you? Do something you enjoy, other than studying? Like music."

"I play guitar and sing sometimes."

Taeyong smiled to relieve the tension, "Start it again."

Mark smiled tightly. After a few minutes of nothing, Mark looked at the water drops falling from the tip of the glass and muttered in a small voice, "He used to shout at me, a lot. And because of that, I don't like noises, the loud ones."

"You will be okay."

Mark pretends to believe that.

He left the premises with a heavy heart and wet eyes. He sniffed for a while, taking in the questions Taeyong had raised, the questions he was afraid to answer. He remembered the time when he cried on the stairs, alone, and wiping his face, he used to come down, like nothing happened.

As an adult, he repeats the actions of a thirteen-year-old, but on his way back home. He opens his phone to glance at his texts and realizes how futile his idea was, the idea that he was any better or undeserving of the tantrums he received and has been receiving, and that it was all done for his might. The reason he couldn't speak out was his own mistake. Only if he had been smart and obedient enough, he wouldn't have even gotten himself to a different country and started therapy. Getting enlightened wasn't enough if he couldn't act on it. But he couldn't act on it if he was perfect in somebody's eyes who had to be pleased.

~~

Mark came home with a bubble of fake excitement which he indulged forcefully onto himself reminding himself of the reasons that he could be happy for. He clapped his hands for a while and danced to his songs and told himself to be happy. He always believed that a smile could change numerous problems and applied it all the time.

When Renjun entered the kitchen, Mark saw him excitedly and pointed towards the bag of groceries, "Renjunnie, I bought your favorite juice."

Renjun is partly perplexed but laughs anyway, "You look excited."

"Yes, I am. Shouldn't I not?"

"Nah Nah, what's the reason you are excited?"

"Just like that."

Renjun hummed and reminded him of the campus fest for the next day and followed. Mark nodded in reply. He decided that it was working, he needn't think about anything else for now, well except for one, guitar. He still plays it sometimes, but it was a habit which came once in a Blue Moon, he wouldn't lie if he said he was excited about starting it again.

He remembered Donghyuck talking about a new music class and gave a second thought to it; his parents wouldn't mind an extracurricular activity, in fact, they were always encouraging of Mark's interest in music. About other hobbies like writing, Mark doesn't want to think about it. Well, he doesn't need to. He doesn't need to answer anybody here in Korea.

He felt free, momentarily, even.

When he enquired Donghyuck about the class and informed him about his interest, he seemed very enthusiastic and explained all the procedures and how fun it would be. Mark wasn't expecting such a lively reaction. His wide eyes and a high-pitched voice echoed all the time in his brain and Mark giggled every time he spoke that way.

Donghyuck is cute, he deduced.

Another deduction he had made about him was that he was extremely clingy all the time but Mark couldn't really get himself to complain. They had grown closer after Mark joined the class along with him. Once, Mark, in a fatigued state, lay his head on Donghyuck's shoulder, out of reflex. But as he was about to retort, Donghyuck stopped him, telling him that it was okay. Ever since, Donghyuck, as if he got a licence to touch Mark's face and ears, always pinched him lightly.

At the beginning, Mark was amazed by his behavior but reckoned that it's just the way he was, a cute and clingy, comfortable person. He had a great sense of humor which was to be noted by Mark and always enjoyed the hearty company with him. Funny but never rude, kind but never dishonest; Mark liked his personality.

They click well too, having the same music tastes and speaking the same things at the same time. "We have good chemistry," Donghyuck said once, and Mark wouldn't deny it. He was rather thrilled.

~~

“Why do I see Donghyuck around so often?” Renjun questioned.

“Nothing much… music practice and stuff,” Mark answered.

“Music? Practice? With Donghyuck? Like…? Our Lee Donghyuck?” Renjun asked with surprise.

Mark looked at him confused, “Yeah? Do you know any other Donghyuck?”

Renjun scoffed. “You better be careful then. He's a nuisance and headache to deal with.”

Mark giggled. “He's cute though.”

“Every bear looks cute but that doesn't mean you can pet them. Don't tell me I didn't warn you before.”

Mark giggled again. “I'll take your word for it.”

“Geez, can you stop being so negative about me?” Donghyuck asked when he joined the conversation.

“No can do. Stop being an ass, then I will think about it.” Renjun said. “Mark says you both make a good pair, come on, sing for me. I wanna see great chemistry too.”

Donghyuck hugged himself, crunching his nose and closed his eyes, “No, I'm shy.” he said.

Cute. Mark internally thought and let out a chuckle while Renjun shook his head but gave in immediately.

The following weeks of exams became a huge storm of bad thoughts to Mark. He carried his anxiety on his back and it was a weight he couldn't handle. The more he thought about how he wrote it, the more anxious he had become. He tried to contact Taeyong once or twice but his voice of calmness and strength was comparatively lower than the hurricane of anxiety filling inside him and got higher and higher with every preparation.

But he managed to walk through the storm aka the exams and he no longer felt a single reason to feel good about himself, irrespective of doing well, the pain that he was being a bad child tore him apart.

In the end, it was inevitable. His parents would check up on him, ask him about it. “Yeah, it wasn't bad… I did well.” and he would lie, like a coward. Like a weakling, he ran away from it, again.

That night, following his schedule, he lay on his bed and closed his eyes.

Darkness.

It was a punishment. Like a room he used to be locked in for days without food and his uncle would scream at him from outside for being so awful for everything he did, basically, awful for being him.

The atmosphere around him felt as though it had changed. Somewhat colder and harder to breathe. As though he had created his demon, a personalised wraith feeding off of the negative emotion and overpowering him by the second.

“I can't do this anymore…” he told him.

Taeyong's heart internally broke a little bit looking at Mark's face and his no effort choice of clothing. Mark settled himself on the couch nearby, folding his legs, and let a pillow rest on his lap.

“When was the last time you took a shower?”

“Don't wanna talk about it.”

“What did you eat this morning?”

“Renjun made sandwiches.”

“You said you didn't want to meet at the cafe.”

“I didn't like the idea of being around people. I loved the silence and darkness…in my room, in my head, around me.”

“How did you write your exams?”

“Like an almost dead warrior trying to get the best out of his last few breaths.”

“I appreciate you for trying your best to push yourself here. Would you mind explaining about the darkness that's residing inside and around you?”

“I can't do it anymore…” he choked. “I lied to them again… that I did well in my exams… and they thought I did great in business and that stuff.

“It reminded me of my uncle again… I wish he was here to fix me and throw me in a room full of darkness until I begged him to let me out, let me eat and beg him that I would never repeat a mistake like this ever again.”

Taeyong got up and handed him a glass of water and leaned onto his table. “Mark, your uncle is not a technician and you're not a robot who needs to be fixed. It's okay to take things slow. The only thing you need to be worried about, in your exams period, is your studies. You need this degree, right? And you love studying it, so enjoy it. I'm sure your parents would be more than happy to know that you're doing what you love and you're doing it great.”

“How are you so sure of it? You have never met them.”

“I'm sure no parent would want their child to be sad doing something they don't want to do. I'm pretty sure they would not lock you up to fix you.”

“You were never taught discipline that way? My uncle says-”

“Mark. Punishment and discipline are two different things. You are mistaking your punishments for teaching discipline, whereas, discipline is taught by being disciplined yourself. And no Mark. I was never taught discipline this way.”

Explains why he is close with his parents.

“Mark, don't be so hard on yourself,” Taeyong said.

Skies. He is trying.

“You did great today. You haven't gotten up to take care of yourself but I appreciate that you pushed yourself to come here, to talk. Keep trying with your parents. Give them small hints, try to be in touch with them…try making small conversations.”

“I'm still so lost… It's getting very awkward. I - What would you say to them?”

“Try asking them what they had for breakfast. Ask them if they are taking care of themselves. Ask them not to take too much stress, and maybe try telling them about Donghyuck or your friends.”

Not easy.

It's never easy.

Never like what he thinks in his head. It never works. Nothing works for him. Uncle is always right.

“You are mistaking your punishments for teaching discipline, whereas, discipline is taught by being disciplined yourself.”

His uncle was always disciplined. If he wasn't, he would never be respected in the family. Taeyong doesn't know what he's talking about. Uncle was right. Uncle is always right. He was right when he said he was awful and never said he did well. Because he never did. It was great to wake up and walk to your therapist? Uncle would disagree. A miserable loser like him would never be good, leave alone great.

“I will be staying at Jeno's tonight and we got some ramen and pasta. Call me if you need anything, alright?” Renjun informed him. Mark nodded and walked into his room. He tossed and turned on his bed for a while and gave up.

Hunger was such a myth. But he went to the kitchen anyway and took the pasta out and boiled water.

Why wasn't he as privileged as Taeyong? Donghyuck must've been lucky to have a doctor as a father. His father would understand about his kids and would probably treat him properly.

He was treated properly too… but the way he was treated just differed. And he was the wrong one and the one to be blamed, a wrong person who was just pathetic.

Lost in these toxic clouds, his scar touching the hot saucepan went completely unnoticed by him until he hissed in pain.

Burning skies. The universe has such a weird way to teach him a lesson. But he obliged anyway. He got his hand near to the pan again, burned himself until no tears streamed down his face.

His scar throbbed in pain every time his cold guitar's body came in contact with it.

“I'm sorry… I'm so sorry I keep messing up today,” he told Donghyuck when he came home later that night to a casual practice.

“Try again… it's okay.” he smiled.

This time, halfway through, Mark stopped again. “Ah, I'm terrible at this… so sorry… I - it's all my fault,” he immediately said, hitting himself on his cheek.

“Oh come on. It's okay. Really. You-”

“You're just being nice… I suck at this,” he said, hitting himself a little hard.

“Mark,” Donghyuck said as he held his hand to stop him. “Stop it. Ouch, man, don't hit yourself that hard,” he said.

The huge gap between them was now small, small enough for Mark to admire the beautiful moles on his face and small enough for his heart to do a thing. Donghyuck brought the back of his fingers to his cheek and smiled. “It's all fine. Trust me.”

Mark smiled back a little bit. Feeling better.

But Donghyuck's face immediately dropped as his eyes looked at his scar.

“Jesus, what happened?” he asked, concerned, as he delicately took his hand into his to look at his scar. Mark whimpered with the ache that vibrated in his entire hand.

“Nothing…” he tried to say. “Burnt by accident while I tried to cook.” That's not completely untrue. But the cause of this intense pain was not an accident. And Donghyuck doesn't need to know it.

“Mark, you're not terrible… but this accident. It sure is… wait.” Donghyuck got up and looked around the drawers and cupboards.

Oh no. Mark knew what he was going to do. Apply a balm. But he didn't deserve it… he was supposed to go through this.

“Donghyuck, wait, you don't need to…”

“Got it.” he smiled. “What do I don't need to do? Are you crazy? You can't leave this like that.”

He sure can.

Donghyuck took his hand again, with much more delicacy this time. “It would hurt a little…” he said, looking at him.

He was used to it.

But he whimpered and hissed. The cream felt cold but it was still the worst thing in the world. He never wanted to do this to himself, ever again… but he knew he would do it again.

“Don't cook by yourself next time,” Donghyuck said after he was done. “And trust me, I cook well. So well that you'll end up asking me for more and you can't go a day without me. Ask my mom if you want to, she appreciates it too, even my little monster, I mean my brother.”

“You would cook for me?” Mark asked. “Genuinely?”

Even when he thought his uncle loved him the most, he never cooked for him…instead, he starved him.

“Yeah, of course. Genuinely.” Donghyuck said, with a smile. “You know what, let's do it now.”

“Do what?”

“Cook, dummy,” Donghyuck said. “You can watch me cook and talk about something while I make it for you.”

“Donghyuck, you-”

“Oh come on, Canada. Take the opportunity while I give you.”

Mark was surprised for a moment or two. But nodded anyway. Donghyuck smiled but before he got up, he signalled Mark to come towards him.

“You know the privileges of being a Lee Mark? You get Donghyuck's cooking privileges. You are cute so be careful and don't burn yourself next time.” Mark's ears reddened and he giggled quietly.

Donghyuck walked into the kitchen and smiled, “Cute,” he told himself again.

“Aa,” Donghyuck said when Mark joined him in the kitchen. When Mark opened his mouth, he slipped a cherry tomato in his mouth. Donghyuck pinched his cheek playfully.

“Baby,” he mumbled.

“Excuse me?”

Donghyuck giggled out loud but didn't say anything.

“I'm not a baby, Donghyuck.”

“Well, you're not a complete grown man either.”

Mark sighed, giving up while Donghyuck giggled again. Random conversations sparked up every few minutes and they weren't out of topics to talk to. Mark never had so much fun. And all they did was just talk while Donghyuck's playlist kept playing in the background.

Mark made himself comfortable on the counter and laughed at stuff Donghyuck kept saying. So unreal. He was completely adorable, sometimes completely focused with his pouted lips and chopping vegetables, working at calculated speed and being very particular.

Mark smiled looking at him.

“So? What did you do when you were free?” he questioned

“Nothing… I used to be at my uncle's place most of the time.”

“Cousins?”

“Oh no… I just happened to be around him, he just went through a divorce at that time…”

“Oh,” Donghyuck said. “You must be very close to him.”

Was he? He didn't know. Mark gave him a small smile and was glad that Haechan moved on from the topic.

“It feels so strange for me because I've never been away from my parents this long…” The last time he was away from his uncle was… never. Probably his 9th birthday was the first time when he knew the existence of something called a guitar. And spent time with it and then he met his uncle.

“We match so many things-” Donghyuck said a few minutes later. And giggled.

So different yet so alike. Donghyuck was outgoing unlike him. Has spontaneous humour and is hyper unlike him. Yet they connected so well.

“- I was used to singing and being around musical instruments around that age too.”

Perhaps why Mark was suddenly feeling so excited and happy to be around him. Donghyuck was placing himself in his dark monotonous life cutting through the hurricane and making his wraith weaker very quickly.

The next few minutes they spent singing songs of different artists. Something they were very used to, yet today's atmosphere made it feel fresh and full of energy.

Donghyuck's voice filled his ears like honey and was very familiar to him from the last few months.

“I love her voice so much… ugh, she sang this so well,” Donghyuck commented.

“And the way you sang it made it even better,” the words slipped through his lips involuntarily and Mark internally panicked.

He shouldn't have said it-

“I will make it much better if you play it.”

Mark wanted to hold back a smile so bad but he couldn't. Donghyuck's smile didn't leave his face either. He blew on the noodles and brought the chopsticks near Mark's lips and their eyes met.

Mark's heart did a thing… and he was loving it. He tasted the noodles and was about to compliment it when a voice made both of them jump.

“I feel like I'm invading something.” Renjun's voice filled the kitchen.

Donghyuck glared at Renjun, “Yes. And look what you did! You scared the baby here.”

“Baby huh?” Renjun teased.

Mark glared at Donghyuck and looked back at Renjun, “Ignore him.”

“What's the fun in that?” Renjun cheekily smiled.

“Weren't you supposed to be with Jeno?” Mark asked.

Renjun raised his eyebrows. “Ooh. So that I could've given you some privacy?”

Mark watched Donghyuck rolling his eyes.

“Too bad he had to go to his cousin's house immediately.” he sighed. “Okay, but for your convenience, I'm pretending as though I didn't see anything.” Renjun placed his hands on his eyes.

“You're exaggerating, it's nothing.” Mark retorted.

Renjun shrugged. “Something something,” he sang in a tune only he knew and whistled. “Something something there is something.”

“Now this is an exaggeration. It's nothing!” Donghyuck yelled back while Renjun shrugged again, walking towards his room.

Why couldn't it be something? Mark internally asked while he looked at Donghyuck. When their eyes met, they giggled.

“He's an idiot,” Donghyuck said to which Mark nodded.

If spending a few hours with Donghyuck made him this relaxed, he wondered how it would be to be with him all the time.

~~

"I don't know what it is but I got that feeling" Mark sang softly to himself while walking beside the bridge, reminiscing about the practice session with Donghyuck the previous day, perplexing Taeyong.

"Hmm?" He asked, curious, teasing, while Mark was trying his best not to smile.

"Waking up in this bed next to you, swear the room, Yeah, it got no ceiling" Mark continued, twisting his fingers corresponding to his invisible guitar in his hands.

"Yeah, because there's sky above us."

"Damn, I like me better when I'm with you."

Taeyong laughed, "Yeah Mark, I get it, You sing well, now we can carry on with the purpose, hmm? But well, if you want to talk about the "feeling" you got, I'm anticipating."

Mark giggled, embarrassed. He breathed out as both of them went to a nearby bench to seat themselves. He said out of nowhere, "You know who sings better than me?"

"Yeah, the original artist, Lauv."

"No, it's Donghyuck," Mark joked.

Taeyong gave it a thought and answered, "Okay, I guess?"

Mark laughed tearfully and sighed heavily. He licked his lips recalling how his heart precipitated like a hummingbird searching for it's chicks and kept his chin in his hands.

When he saw Taeyong searching for answers in his actions, he murmured softly, "Renjun's friend, Donghyuck. I told you about him, right?" Taeyong nodded to which he resumed, "I think I kind of like him?"

He sounded more unsure than he intended to.

Taeyong was quick in reaction, "oh," he muttered, with widened eyes and asked in a usual tone, "Is it something you don't want to happen?"

"No? It's not like that," he paused for a second, "I didn't think of it deeply to be very honest. Is it a bad thing?"

"Absolutely not. Nervous?"

"Not nervous when he isn't around. But honestly, I'm fine," he closed his eyes in assurance and opened to look at his therapist, "It doesn't bother me at all, I just want to tell you about it, not because I'm tense or anything, just wanted to let it out to somebody."

Oh God, he is speaking like a kid again, someone take him home.

"I see," But Taeyong was a kind person, "Any past relationships?"

"Alka."

"Hmm?"

"Alka, my high school girlfriend, I was what? 16? We were together for less than 6 months and then stopped," he laughed to himself for a second, "Is that long enough to be called a relationship?" He laughed again, "It feels strange to remember it now."

"Why did you break up?"

"I mean, nobody would be so serious at that age," right? Or was it just Mark who was insensitive to not give his relationship importance?

"Yeah, but there would be a reason right?"

"I guess it's just the time back then? I wasn't doing well mentally," even now, "And probably she saw those signs in my behavior and we both decided it's what's for our betterment."

"Was it alright?"

"Yeah, she was sweet and assured me. And I think she is fine too," he hoped, "Just the previous year, she dated a new guy. The break-up didn't affect much because it wasn't that serious," he laughed and swore it to be very fake.

"Not the breakup, how were you? Like, what happened actually?"

"I wasn't feeling myself, just the teenage angst episode I guess?" He looked at the sky and pursed his lips, "Social inactivity and no friends," he chuckled awkwardly but Taeyong didn't return it. What did he expect? For him to laugh at Mark's childhood trauma just because he does?

"Understandable. Academics, all okay? Back then, I mean."

"Not at all, I'm pretty sure high school sucks for everybody in general, new concepts and stuff right?"

"Yeah, for me too, actually," Taeyong smiled tightly, looking at Mark for him to reciprocate the same, but forcefully.

Mark continued scratching his scar on his hand, "That was the time when I was brainwashed to focus more on economics and accounts," his parents wouldn't be thrilled to know their son abandoned it. He bit his side jaws from inside and followed the same action to his lips.

"Did he still hit you?"

'Who' Mark did not want to ask it over and over and embarrass himself more, he wished he could avoid this question all the time considering how difficult it was for himself to accept the fact that his uncle was toxic to him for he had to deal with years of physical and emotional abuse in the perception of it was normal or something he deserved.

"Not anymore," once, he was.

He looked up to his eyes and could determine Taeyong's deduction of Mark's pity lie.

So he said, but very softly, only audible to the closest atom near Taeyong, "Just once," he pointed his index finger to the sky and then retracted it back and looked at the other side and scoffed with discomfort.

Taeyong was silent for two minutes, yes, Mark calculated that judging how awkward the atmosphere had become despite the clouds being in their place in the eternal sky, the sun still shines brightly on them.

"Were you lonely at that time?"

Very much. He was lonely but still needed himself. In finding himself, he lost her. Mark regrets it every once in a while, and thought of how he couldn't get rid of the lonely feeling even while having Alka on his side; Was he expecting so much from a person he doesn't own?

His parents couldn't be there nor his friends, what could the poor girl do?

He had his uncle, but he was someone Mark wanted to run away from.

"A little," he said.

"Do you still feel lonely?"

He smiles at the picture of Renjun asking about his day and showing his works with utmost zeal and Jeno asking him out sometimes for his bike rides. He flushes remembering Donghyuck giving his portion of lunch and talking about his passion and throwing banter at his younger brother.

They smile and laugh at him, and make him smile and laugh. Mark is not scared of them, nor are they.

For the first time, he is proud of himself in front of the therapist. "No, I'm not lonely," he said with a raised chest and a gentle smile.

"I'm glad," Taeyong smiled back.

~~

Occasionally, he asked his mother about his stories written by him as a child and talked about his passion about writing to keep them aware and not getting them shocked at the sudden revelation of their child. He mustered all his courage hidden inside him, pushing all the hesitation aside to talk about his life; even about his college and academics with a clever and subtle mind of words. He assured his parents about his introvertedness and claimed to be fine with his pals.

At the beginning, Mark was questioning his opinions about his friends; Yes, Mark is confident about calling them his friends now, but the passing time proved to be rebellious to his doubts or second thoughts about them. Whenever his mother asked him if he was keeping his mind steady, he didn't lie.

Jeno and Donghyuck would fight in front of him and Renjun about their gaming antics, sometimes, telling stories about Chenle, their gaming buddy and how amazingly skilled of a player he is. But Donghyuck was the worst case of them all. He spent many of his nights inviting his friends over to join him.

Renjun nagged, "Jeno, you must make Donghyuck understand that sleep is important over games. This idiot already looks like a devil."

"I would gladly make him understand, but who will make me understand?" Jeno laughed, saying.

Donghyuck chuckled heartily and gave a handfi to Jeno causing Renjun to snort and slap away Jeno's hand when he tried to touch his shoulder. Mark gave a small giggle.

Donghyuck smooched Renjun's cheek causing him to groan and push him away.

"Hey, Donghyuck ah, don't steal my boyfriend, okay?" Jeno fake warned him.

Donghyuck had a smug face and bent over to him and kissed Jeno on his cheek too, and said cheekily, "I'll steal you from your boyfriend, then."

Jeno scoffed, wiping his cheek with Donghyuck's handkerchief.

Renjun intervened, "You should have stolen Mark too?" He turned at Mark's face, his expression smug, "Right, Mark?"

Excuse me?

Mark cussed at Renjun, gritting his teeth while smiling at Jeno and Donghyuck, "I am not taken yet, to be stolen." Renjun laughed at him enjoying the fact that Mark had a crush on Donghyuck and hissed in pain when Mark kicked his leg under the table.

Jeno sat there pretending to understand what was going on and Donghyuck cleared his throat awkwardly before changing the subject.

As Mark tried to judge Donghyuck's reactions seeking meaning out of it, Jeno nudged him, "Mark, how do you know Korean while staying in Canada?"

"That's because I'm, in fact, a full-blooded Korean. We spoke Korean at home and foreign language outside."

Donghyuck showed his amazement in a round mouth and said, "So you are like the Korean in Canada, and Canadian in Korea."

Mark laughed, "yep, absolutely right.''

"Mark, Can you teach me Canadian? Renjun is teaching me Chinese already."

"Jeno, that's called English."

"What?"

"Jeno, I might have to take you out of here seeing how embarrassing you sound right now," Renjun said plainly, causing Jeno to retort with an offended "hey".

Donghyuck laughed continuously and bent his head on Mark's chest while holding his shoulder. Mark breathed out, nervously laughing. The proximity wasn't surprising for Mark, knowing how touchy Donghyuck can be sometimes, but surely unexplainable for his tension.

After some time, Renjun and Jeno left for their classes and while Donghyuck drank water, Mark said out of nowhere, "You know? Jeno and Renjun, these people are the purest couple I have seen in my life."

Donghyuck said in a serious tone while picking his quailed eggs, "That's because Jeno is very shy for PDA and Renjun is extremely particular about some stuff," Mark nodded in agreement, "Seeing them both, it makes me feel like a proud mom. They have been through a lot, especially Renjun. Poor boy had a problem coming out too."

Mark seconds. He knows the state of mind Renjun was in, flushing away all the homophobia around his surroundings and within himself, coming to a position wherein he began accepting himself as a good person and finally getting into a relationship with the person he loves. Mark is proud of Renjun.

"Families can be difficult, sometimes," he said, looking at the ground.

Renjun and him had this one thing in common.

"Yeah," Donghyuck replied.

"Seeing them, What do you think about relationships, Hyuck?"

Smooth Mark, incredible.

Donghyuck smiled at the sudden question.

"I have a boyfriend, currently. He is insanely hot and talented."

Holy crap. "Oh who's it?" Mark asked.

"You'd know him," he said, bending down shyly.

"Is it someone in our college?"

"No, he is actually in my heart."

Mark knew Donghyuck is a type to like romance but he swore no amount of awareness prepared for the sappy crap he would mutter, all the time. Did Donghyuck call him 'baby' for the same reason-

"Tom Holland," Donghyuck said in a high pitched tone, covering his face.

Mark sat there questioning what goes inside Donghyuck's head when he makes announcements as if he was going to change the trajectory of the world when all he does is change the direction of his bicycle. He stared at him solemnly, partly relieved that he was In Fact, joking, but also very pissed for making him worried for no reason.

"Sure," he said, sarcastically, "You behave like a child, Lee Donghyuck."

"Hey, what's wrong with me?"

Absolutely nothing and everything.

"Seen your face?" which is pretty, Mark pointed at him, obviously jokingly.

"Don't be quick to claim it, Lee. I have a line behind me waiting for my approval. That's the power I hold," he said confidently.

"Yeah, outside a public restroom. Or a ticket counter for the SpiderMan movie."

Donghyuck was dumbstruck for a moment before gasping with round eyes, "wo-ummm. Wow. How do I answer that? Ah I got flustered."

Mark laughed, Donghyuck followed. He laughed more than unnecessary but Donghyuck was easy enough to not take it to heart. After a few seconds of laughing, Mark said in between laughs, but sounding genuine, "I was kidding."

"So was I," he admitted, mixing his soup.

"You do have a face, to be honest. And who knows? I might probably wait in the line for your approval too?" He said, smiling cheekily before blushing and laughing it off. Before he could further extend his sudden confession, he watched the other looking at him surprised.

"Really?" He asked, doubtful.

Mark nodded, pressing his lips before observing Donghyuck getting still for a second. He stopped using the spoon for a while and continued it later on. Mark, rather than searching for an answer, switched the topic, "This soup is extra delicious today, for some reason."

~~

“So? What else have you been up to these days?” his uncle asked.

Mark didn't know how to feel about this… Why did he call him? And after these many months? Is he now okay with him being in a new country? His rough and strong voice was like that of a military commandant, lacking any emotion and was always a mystery to Mark, perhaps the one he never wanted to solve. This voice ringed in his head again, making his knees weak.

Mark responded like any other University student. But it's just that, he wasn't normal like he implies himself to be.

His uncle hummed. And went on to talk normally too. Minutes passed and it was still normal. As though he was in a good mood. Mark was relieved. He smiled.

But in one way, his voice felt like an old feeling, a feeling of home…

“I heard you talk stuff about learning guitar and things… Come on, Mark. What is this?” he began.

“Nothing… I just wanted to try it,” he said. He stopped himself before he talked about Donghyuck, but smiled anyway as he thought about music. “I thought it might click… I always thought music would click well with me-”

He heard his uncle let out a chuckle. “Oh, come on, now. Really. What are you even thinking?”

Mark's smile dropped almost immediately.

“You can't manage too many things at once, Mark. Talent isn't really for you…don't waste your time on things like this and focus.”

A voice that felt like home… home where he was worthless. His family needn't show it or explicitly state it, but they considered him a pile of junk.

“But I-”

“Don't get your hopes up if you're unable to do it. If it works, then live music will work out well at an average restaurant, don't you think?” he laughed. “I'm not being harsh, Mark. Don't make me the bad guy now. Uncle knows you, right?”

Uncle always knows.

At this point, what was this? His mantra? Uncle knows him better, uncle knows the best. What is Mark Lee at this point? Anyone might mistake him for a human being but he was a pile of junk raised by his uncle who tends to know him better.

“Right… I know.”

Mark went to his therapist right after his guitar lesson and the chessboard on the table, completely went unnoticed by him. He tried to hold back, but he ended up taking his guitar out and tried playing the song he had been wanting to try for a few days.

Strange how things work. Just an hour before he talked to uncle, he thought his guitar journey was going smooth but now guitar seems like the worst thing ever - or the way he plays it just makes it worse. When Taeyong entered, he smiled anyway.

“Wow. You are doing a great job, Mark.”

Mark exhaled sharply. He thinks so? Why does he think everything he does is the greatest thing ever? Screw this optimism.

“Why do you appreciate me for everything I do?” he asks.

“Because you deserve it. And why should I not, frankly, you played it well.”

As if he knows.

“Do you know this song?”

“Where's my mind, if I'm not mistaken,” he says.

Oh. “Yeah. It is Where's my mind…” he mumbled, putting his guitar back.

When he looked back at Taeyong, he was arranging the chess pieces. After an hour full of losing his marbles, Mark groaned halfway through.

Taeyong smiled before saying, “Checkmate.”

“No. No!” Mark whined. “Okay, you are good at this game. I admit it.” He folded his hands and looked away.

Taeyong smiled. “Sometimes the smallest moves make a huge impact,” he said, putting back the pieces. “Every move has a consequence. You observe not only the current situation but also the consequences that arise from it. A small move in the middle of the game might be your move to win or to lose.

“Okay, let's put this aside and think about telling your parents about what you're doing. Would you want them to know after you graduate or before? You see, after graduation, they are having their hopes and your degree is huge to them. Don't you think it's better to let them know before they have a huge heartbreak?”

Mark sighed. He didn't know… he didn't think about it. Of course, he had to tell them one day anyway. And he nodded.

“I know… but I'm scared.”

“I know… I understand. Don't play safe. It's not always about keeping what you have but attacking what you fear, and sacrifices are necessary. I'm not forcing you, letting you know the consequences you have. Think about it.” he said.

Mark nodded again.

“Sometimes the weakest among us have the potential for greatness,” he said pointing at the pawn.

The pawn promotion.

“Your skills are appreciated. And they are your backbone.” The queen.

The King, “It's like your self-respect, you sacrifice a lot but you protect it like your life depends on it.

“Sometimes be honest and straight,” the rook. “Or think differently,” like a bishop. “And sometimes act immediately,” a knight.

“Finally, there are infinite choices to make. Your future is what your choices are. Sometimes you win, sometimes you lose, but don't be stuck in regret, you learn and move on. But you still play the game of life, don't you?”

“A life lesson again?”

“You should never give up,” he smiled. “Even in your life.”

Yeah, right.

“Yep. Not giving up until I defeat you.” Mark said. Taeyong let out a giggle before he reached Mark's hair to mess it up, as though he found him adorable.

Now what? Mark questioned himself when he reached home. He brushed his hand over the candle flame, the smell reminding him of Renjun and his obsession with scented candles. And he was thinking again…

He brought his hand back to his scar… suddenly, it felt wrong. Why would he do this to himself? Why would anyone want to do this to him? He was supposed to love what is his… his body, it belonged to him… something that will stay with him even in his grave…and, someone thought it was okay to abuse it. He thought the same… but what choice did he have? He was pathetic and vulnerable. Which he still is.

“It's what you are! A useless child who should've never come out of his mother's womb.” he would scream at him.

That child thought he was right, and this teen still thinks he is right.

Same person and the same voice. But different in a given moment. One minute, this person was a mentor and was his backbone with a voice of warmth but the other minute, this person was in his every nightmare. Love just got much more complicated. Where was he supposed to find it in this behaviour?

Was it love when he screamed at him and then he immediately took him to his arms and acted as if nothing happened? Or was it, love, when he was the first one who tattooed a scar on him and told him that it's how he's going to teach him a lesson?

Or was it love when he said Mark was worthless and he can't do his music properly?

No. His inner voice said.

His uncle didn't love him when he left him to starve, he didn't love him when he left him sick or when he left him in a dark room. And he didn't love him when he left him with his bruises and pain. All he had been was a monster disguised as an angel who pretended to give him love but all he did was introduce poison in him.

A poison that didn't kill him but made him feel dead inside. A poison that created a wraith, made him carry anxiety on his back and created an eternal hurricane inside him which was a mixture of fear, self-hate and melancholy.

He remembered asking Donghyuck about his relationship with his father and why he doesn't fear him to which Donghyuck casually shrugged and said, “You see Mark, fear and love are opposite things that can't coexist. Love makes you make moves towards something you want while fear makes you move away from it.”

“Makes you move away from it” explains why he wanted to run away. Explains why he still wanted to run away.

Uncle knows best and uncle knows everything. True. Uncle knows how to make him cry, uncle knows how to torture him and uncle knows how to make him feel like a pile of junk and always succeed in making him feel so. Uncle always wins and uncle's voice is always stronger than anything positive. Uncle is the wraith he created. His uncle is the one who feeds on his negative emotion. There's never a war between good and evil because the evil on his side always wins over the good which Taeyong is trying to educate.

He jumped out of his thick thought clouds when his phone buzzed.

Good to see the ones who gave birth to him bothering about his existence. They went on to talk about things that just couldn't cut through the storm that was residing in his head.

Until “Are your studies going well?” they asked and Mark hummed.

Was this the sacrifice he was willing to take? Can he digest the consequence? Would it be okay if he lost?

“So, you and your friends study business together?”

“Not together,” he said.

If not now, when? In the infinite possibilities, there isn't one in which he would be happy. But that would be okay. He is very much used to pain. What is the worst thing that would happen? He would harm himself for the last time. And then, eternal peace.

“Oh,” they said. “We thought-”

“Yeah, that's because I lied to you.”

Silence.

“I'm not studying business. Truthfully, I hate business. I'm not interested in studying something I don't like.”

Silence again.

“I'm interested in writing… I'm sorry for lying to you all this time. I am studying English and it makes me happy. It gives me hope that I'm worth doing something I'm good at. I think it's time you know about what I'm doing and what I like and I hope you support me well in my decision too.”

It felt like a huge weight on him had been taken away. But his courage weakened immediately as though it was made of cards. He still tried to keep his hand steady and to stop him from shaking.

After a few minutes which seemed like ages, he heard them sighed. “Oh.” his mother said.

“You could've told us before, Mark,” his father said.

Oh.

“Is that the reason why you wanted to move away from us?” he added.

Mark panicked. “No… N-no, dad, if that was the case I would've never told you.”

After another minute or two, his mother said, “Well, it's okay. Since you decided you wanted to do it and you say you are happy then we are happy too.”

Lies.

“We always wish better for you.”

Lies.

And would've wished the best for him if he did what they wanted him to do. Say it out loud, mom. Say that you're disappointed.

“Yeah.” his father's voice was low. “At least do your best in this.”

“I will.”

And the call ended abruptly.

Extraordinary that was. But at least he said it. The urge to kill himself grew but he would keep it low and would just torture himself for the night and hope that pain will be strong enough to not let him sleep for the next few days.

His uncle would be so pissed. But he didn't need to have him around to harm himself.

"Uncle would be so pissed," he thought again when he went to bed. His hands and his body hurt too much to wipe his tears.

The dreams were filled with cries and huge tides washing over him and more crying. Little children crying, he was crying, weird creatures eating his flesh and more torment and screaming in pain.

~~

Screw that Lee Mark. Donghyuck let out a sigh. Did he indirectly tell him that he likes him or did he hear things? Did Mark want to ask him out?

“Ah this is making me crazy,” he thought, hitting his head with the pillow.

Well played, Mark. He acted as if he said something and never talked about it ever again and Donghyuck was suffering. He was getting excited every day. His heart was doing a thing. And he was sick of playing hard and acting as if he didn't care. And Mark was oblivious. Was he not noticing his ears getting red and trying to be more close to him?

Educate him, goddammit. Or should he take that opportunity and ask him out himself?

“Yah! Lee Donghyuck!” Chenle screamed, interrupting his thoughts.

When Donghyuck glared at him, Chenle smiled. “Hyung,” he said. “We haven't hung out for so long. And everybody is asking you at the ground… we haven't played for so long too, please…”

Donghyuck curved his lips, “My little monster misses me?” he said, holding his chin while Chenle nodded. “Wait, for real?”

“A little bit.” he shrugged.

“Okay, fine.”

“Swear on it.”

Donghyuck groaned. “Fine. I swear.”

“Great! I'll see you in a few minutes.” he squealed.

“Wait?! What?! Now?!”

Chenle ran towards their room and yelled. “Yes. Hyung you promised. I'll tell mom if you break it.”

Donghyuck rolled his eyes and let out a sigh.

“Oh no,” he panicked as he saw Mark suddenly calling him. His heart wouldn't stop beating so fast, at the same time, he was nervous.

“Hey, can we hang out today-”

Wow. Great. Wonderful.

Chenle walked down the exact moment and whined quietly. “You promised!” he mumbled.

“I'm sorry. Busy. Later?” he said and immediately cut the call.

~~

Ohh.

Of course. Right. Mark knew the reason why Donghyuck was acting weird even in the music class… should've connected the dots.

Ten hells, why would someone love him back?

Was he dumb? Why would he even hint at him? He lost a friend even before he properly had one.

His body still ached a little bit. Yet, he was at his therapist's cabin.

“I shouldn't fear if I feel like someone loves me right?”

Taeyong's face said relief. “Yes,” he said.

“And it's not normal.”

He shook his head as no. “And I appreciate you for finally letting out to your parents. Give it some time, they'll understand. Don't lose hope.” he reassured. “And Mark, try staying away from your uncle. Try not to be manipulated by whatever he says. And trust me, you are doing so well at playing the guitar.” he said.

Only if Taeyong knew that his effort was immediately sucked by the giant storm inside his head. He internally laughed. “Sorry, Doctor. I'm too weak for hope.” he thought.

~~

"It's not stupid if it's bothering you this much, Mark," Renjun had said to him, "You haven't eaten anything in Eighteen hours, what's wrong with you?"

Well, his nightmares, uncle, or his parents are not stupid, but he is, he always has been. And Mark couldn't name just one thing wrong with him. He was tired from answering all the questions raised towards him, considering how reckless he sounds and how disappointing it would be for the person he is supposed to answer. First, was his parents, and then was Renjun.

He didn't know where he had got the bundle of courage to let out his secret on that day like it was so ordinary and unproblematic as if he had messed up an exam or just forgot to wash his clothes. Why couldn't his parents holler at him expressing their intense dismay? It came out to be a shock to them which soon turned into a disappointment akin to him.

They haven't called him by themselves since then, and the efforts from Mark's side were very weak in striking conversations. The tense environment around them instilled a familiar fear inside him, like the kid he was, to admit his mistake to his parents.

Mark almost stopped breathing for a while Renjun talked about something important to Mark, blaming his short attention span and mental dysfunction.

"You haven't gone to therapy in two weeks, have you?"

Mark looked at him, startled, and fell short of words, he pursed his lips and blinked a few times. It's just two times, Mark wanted to say, but he had enough of defending himself, not when he couldn't convince himself with the fable of him being alright.

He shook his head and bent it down in shame.

Renjun couldn't negotiate further, instead asking him, "What do you want to eat?"

"Eggplant," he said, closing his eyes.

"You'd hate it."

"You like it and don't have to adjust your habits for me. And still, it's been a while since we had it."

"It's been a while since you ate too."

"I drank milk, I had to take medicine," Mark retorted. Renjun sighed but glanced at him incredulously, "Don't mistake me, but, dude, what the hell? Do you hear yourself and how broken you sound?"

Yes; and he doesn't like the sound of it. He doesn't like many things happening, from his appetite proving to be the most unpredictable issue to his health which went downhill, the regret washing over him like a tide, carrying away the existing confidence and sanity, leaving the sandy remains of fear, stress, and anxiety.

"Well, Mark Lee, I don't want you to starve in a long while too, if we have eggplant I'm sure you won't eat it again."

"I will, I won't complain, I promise."

The terror in the night was nowhere better in comparison to the deadly happenings during the day. He skipped classes, relying on coffee for his terrible sleep practice, keeping him away from any sort of social interaction. Jeno was considerate with him and Renjun was, well, concerned. His reciprocation to their sincere emotions was hollow, similar to his feelings. He felt like he was digging a grave while it was swiveling to come to a place where he started. It made him think that there was no end to his problems, provoking him to conclude that it was supposed to be a predicament he belongs to, where he deserves to be.

Watching Donghyuck being with somebody else made him rethink his choices of confessing his heartfelt romantic feelings to him. At the moment, all Mark wanted to tear off was the fake acclaim of the confident mask he displayed concealing his fear, his pitiful cowardice.

He swore they were not normal or like before, the few awkward small talks being dismissed in the unwanted privacy they got. He wishes he knew the purpose of meeting a person, foreseeing the intentions of the encounters with Donghyuck. He got physically and mentally distanced from the person he loved, even when he was young.

Did Mark even grow up?

Sitting at the playground, he gazed at the boys and girls howling around, chaotic and noisy like his mind, joyful and energetic, unlike his soul. Don't mind him, he tried his best to be happy, but it always comes along, like a strong storm, unwavering and lingering at the corner of his lungs, mocking his cell enclosures about its painful existence. Mark doesn't want to question the validity of his pain because the numbness resides, not allowing him to have a sensible thought or decision about it.

He doesn't notice Jeno's presence until he takes his shoulders, shaking them a little, laughing.

"Hey, Mark? Are you not in this world? I have been calling for like thirty seconds now."

Oh to be able to get out of this world. He wished he hadn't lived anymore.

"Sleep is the escape mechanism to all my problems, I pretend I don't exist and the problems will be solved on their own, while I sleep," Donghyuck would say.

But sleep is a terrible place to get into, when the remains of what he left behind tormented his peace, Mark discerned. Might as well sleep forever. Death. Something Mark isn't unfamiliar to. It's not like he never thought of a subject like this in the past years; the first time he wanted to kill himself was when he was sixteen, but that was a thought he had gotten in a heat of the moment, not lending it a chance to sprout.

Death was not a censored word to Mark, because he felt like one, most of the time. He hated the way he could relate to all the sad songs when people talked about their concerns portraying his life in a detailed piece of art or poem. He thought of how pain becomes art at some point but it still hurts all the time. Altering the magnitude but keeping the same amount of impact on the soul.

"Mark? Earth to Mark Lee?" Jeno shouted at him causing Mark to gasp. He breathed out, closing his eyes.

"I'm sorry, I was thinking about something else," he said, tense.

Jeno giggled with a curve on his lips and brows, "Yeah, could sense that. What's gotten you so worked up, dude? You doing well?"

"Yeah, of course. I was just thinking about the test. Anyways, what's up?"

"It can't be that bad, I am sure you'd do well."

Mark nodded, as he was supposed to; or else Jeno would feel he was futile in giving him advice, while Mark was just too tired to take in any sort of fake positivity.

"Well anyway, Join us, will you?"

"Sorry?"

"We are playing basketball after a long time, why don't you come in too?"

"Jeno, I'm tired, not this time, sorry."

"Even Donghyuck is asking for you."

Is that considered a way of negotiation now? What the hell was he going to do with that information. He looked at Donghyuck talking casually to Renjun at the corner and if Mark hadn't known Jeno, he would assume he was lying. But why was Donghyuck pretending to care?

"That's not the right way to please me, Jeno." The right way doesn't exist, why don't they understand? Why do they want to disappoint themselves over and over by expecting something worthy from him?

"Come on Mark, you do this all the time. If you aren't feeling okay, you should come out, trust me. I know something is bothering you even if you won't tell. It's a change of atmosphere, trust me, please," Jeno said, with a smile.

Physically, he wasn't ready. Mentally, he wasn't ready. Verbally, he agreed to be up for it.

The game was boring with each team scoring points one after the other, consequently and alternatively. Mark was too weary to run at a quicker pace as required and mostly jogged while Jeno tripled, most of the time. Kevin called out to him while Renjun and Donghyuck defended their team, hovering over the former. Mark paid less heed to his name being screamed and Donghyuck's team scored a point, making them ahead by two points.

Hoshi raised his hands in the air shrugging, "Gear up, Mark Lee."

He stared blankly for a second and realized how he loathed every second of what he has been put up to, he wanted to get home as quickly as possible, end this game, and this whole thing of whatever he has been going through.

He clicked his tongue and showed his affirmation with a simple stare before they whistled for the next round. The tripling ball reached his hands and he lazily tapped it continuously, subjected to the ground, and raised it in the air thereafter. Donghyuck and the others (he didn't seem to not notice many people with such an absent state of mind) came his way and his anxiety only grew up with many eyes looking at him, noticing him and judging him, the velocity of his legs corresponding to that of his opponents and the ball, he ran away in a wrong direction while hitting a person on his way. He passed the ball to Hoshi as soon as possible-

"Hyuck? Hyuck? Hyuck? Are you okay?" He heard screams of the boys as he turned towards the other side, causing him to look back, and he certainly didn't expect a large bloodstain decorating Donghyuck's temple.

He widened his eyes in horror and ran quickly towards him like a man running after his life. With a fast heartbeat, he stopped as he reached the boy, and calculated the scene in his head how Mark had (accidentally) pushed Donghyuck aside from his way and he got hit to the metal rod behind him causing his face to bleed. The blood flow didn't stop and Donghyuck just sat there, catching his injured head, groaning in pain.

"Mark, can't you be careful while playing? Look what you've done," One of the voices said from behind, attacking him. Mark tried to bend down and help him stand up, but Renjun was quicker to make his way and Donghyuck still didn't say anything. Correction: unable to say anything.

"Do you keep your eyes on your knees?" Someone else said, causing Mark to retort and get back. He stared intently into Donghyuck's red eyes with his hurtful ones. Donghyuck, trying to keep his sanity, whimpered into Renjun's arms and unable to handle the sight of it anymore, he ran back.

He ran back with wet eyes to the washroom and pressed his eyelids until they saw no sight anymore. He covered his mouth and rubbed his nape, sweating all over his face and neck. He crouched down folding his knees for a while and made an inward thought process of what just happened.

After a long time of ten minutes, Renjun and Jeno came to him, hesitantly.

"How is he?" He asked, nervously.

"Are you fine?" Renjun asked, softer.

Mark bit his lips, pissed, "Are you kidding me? Donghyuck is the one who got hurt now."

But Mark was all this time, even now and God knows for how long, however, he was tired from the victimization posed on him as if to prove his cowardliness.

"But you are the one who ran away," Renjun said, seriously.

Mark hated it, hated the way he had become so transparent about his pain, unlike in Canada, where people hardly knew about his suffering. That made his endurance much better than what it was, now. He hated how he was the one who's crying when he hurt somebody else. Donghyuck once, Renjun twice, and his parents, multiple times.

"I'm sorry," he said in shame.

"He has stopped bleeding, and the wound is fine too, you don't have to think too much," Jeno said, trying to come near to him.

"How- how could I not?" He blurted out.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry for forcing you into the game," Jeno said, his voice full of guilt.

Mark scoffed, "do you think I want-" he choked a cry, "do I deserve an apology? You don't owe me anything, Jeno. None of you."

"I'm sorry."

"Please don't apologize for something I have done," he said, pleading. He wiped the single tear on his face and sniffed, "Please leave me alone and say I'm sorry to Donghyuck."

"He isn't mad at you."

Of course.

~~

Mark looked at the number and when he said that it reminded him of home, he didn't mean it to be comfortable, because his home was never a lively place to live in. He gave up on hoping for convincing advice from his uncle, but nothing had prepared him to face the intense rage he was speaking in.

"Is Mom fine? Dad?" He asked, dryly.

"What do you expect after breaking their heart, Mark?" He heard the voice. Mark choked up, opening his mouth agape, and spoke something which wasn't audible to his uncle.

"Huh?" The tone was confusing, Mark had no idea how to approach it.

"I'm sorry," he said, softly.

"At least you regret it, thank goodness," The man hissed on the other side and Mark shed his tears. "I do, I regret it a lot," he cried, in a pleading voice. After a few seconds of crying, he attempted to continue his talk, but more carefully, "But- but- I will do my best to make you all happy, that's the most I can do, I won't let you down, I promise."

"Oh God, shut up with the drama now, Mark," James said, pointedly to prove his obvious aggression for Mark's weak words, "You already let us down, you let me down, again. I feel ashamed to have been teaching you with all my might and effort, and all I get is a gullible lie."

Mark's heartbeat rose in amplitude and frequency with the uttering of those hurtful yet honest phrases, and he could only clench his fist in helplessness. He muttered the continuous apologies in numerous ways but the attack lasted much longer than he was prepared for. James screamed out, gritting his teeth, "I don't understand you, seriously. What's your problem? Do you not see our hard work for you to waste it off with something so simple? What's so special about literature anyway? Do you not know English? The passion you say, for a language you already know of. At this point, you are either just lazy or pathetic, or both."

I might be, Mark thought while crying.

His lips puckered and his hands were shaking as he heard the following sentences, "Isn't that so selfish of you, Mark? Imagine a man spending all his aspirations and hope on a child who turned his way back? Your father planned so much for you, that you would take over the responsibility after him, but you let all that aside, for your cravings. Your mother mourns over the separation only for you to run away. To escape from all this, tell me, Mark, you were tired of us, right? Or else you wouldn't leave the country just like that. Is your friend there really or you just lied about it too? It's hard to trust you anymore."

Mark felt broken at those words expecting how accurate they sound. Before he could even retort or debate James' opinions about him, he declared to himself that it's what he deserved. When his parents asked if he moved to Korea to study peacefully, away from them, he was quick to deny but at the corner of his heart, the truth of it lay there, he certainly didn't come here because of that, but he definitely wanted to.

Anybody would find it hard to trust him, may it be his parents or his uncle who raised him to a big boy, only for him to turn out to be one of their biggest backlashes.

"And I, as your uncle, raised you like my own child, Mark. I fulfilled my father's wishes with you, took care and concern for you all the time. I thought, well, God didn't let me have my kid but Mark is here, I would never have him lose any love, but- but- I am very ashamed of you, Mark."

Mark hunched down, reminiscing how his uncle felt sad about his wife's miscarriage but hugged Mark, ruffling his hair and kissing his cheek lovingly. James took utmost responsibility and care about him as a child, and Mark could find no answers to the questions raised to him. He had betrayed him when his uncle thought of his brother's family as his own, feeding and talking to Mark, like his son, and maintaining a respectful decent friendship with his sister in law, while missing his wife. The divorce didn't deter James' affection for his family that couldn't even be called his own on a technical basis, but Mark betrayed his parents and family even after receiving what he had needed.

"You are just like that weak prince, Mark."

The story of the vulnerable prince, James used to recite to him all the time. After receiving a curse from a deadly witch for the prince to get pierced by the prickle and die, the king undid all the sharp corners of the kingdom. But the prince jumped through a rose, touched the leaf, and when the thorn reached the insides of his skin, he ceased to exist. Mark was just like the prince; endeavored by the foolish longing of something very unimportant, he destroyed himself. Rose is very beautiful but the cause of the fruit of his curse.

He never stopped crying ever since, even as a child, when he got an earful.

"If I say something, you start crying, like always, and go complain to whoever. Yes, of course, all you can do now is blame me for everything. And your friends there would believe you too, but I know you better, Mark. I practically raised you, keep that in mind before you speak of anything. But I don't expect any good from you anymore, I can't claim such a selfish being as my child. You make me feel ashamed of my upbringing."

Mark threw the nearest paperweight to his side with a loud cry.

"If I was you, I would consider the end as a better option rather than being a huge painful burden to my parents," he hung up.

Mark kept his phone aside and looked at the floor below his bruised knees, and thought, "me too. I consider that too."

He tried to drink water from his glass, and the water inside the container was obstructed by the stillness because of the disturbance in his hand.

When did he start shaking?

As soon as he realized his body condition, he could sense his hips shivering, every cell of his body following his movement. He sweated profusely from his head and gulped his tears. He remembered Taeyong's words when he told about the measures during a panic attack.

He breathed in and out for long, twice or thrice, and later repeated his actions as he felt he was getting a little bit steady. He moved to the couch, covered himself with the blanket, and yearned for the warmth of his mother's embrace for him to melt in. But he didn't deserve it, any of it.

He moaned in pain for a while and dragged his knees to his bed, going back to the ferocious cycle of his uninvited nightmares.

The eyelids moved continuously under the fan and the childhood fear of the monster under his bed came to his vision even when he closed his eyes.

"You are the weak prince."

The witch was risen above his sleeping figure, just like the one described in his fairytale book. He wondered why this story didn't have a happy ending unlike the others but remembered that this is because his uncle was the one who recited it. The black hair, frizzy with many poisonous potions just like he was the seed of the poison tree his family was taking shelter from.

The brown gown, torn in between to display the hairy structure on her body and she came down to hold his neck, the long dark nails, painted black, protruding out. Mark gasped, widening his eyes, choking out and whimpering trying to let go of her hand. The witch would back off, smile at how Mark coughed uncontrollably, and then come back. He kicked his legs trying to get out of the room but he could only wake up when she left.

She couldn't kill him but she always won over.

The moment Mark would wake up, he would scream at a dream, like an infant, so weak and vulnerable, so poor to be affected by a trivial aspect.

This time, he woke up with an outburst of tears while facing himself with terror, in the mirror, the demons eating out other demons. The images of the imperial afflictions were followed by his image, as a child, trying to hide his injuries with long sleeves, even on hot days, when he answered his pals awkwardly of how he was sensitive to cold. He laughed with them and everybody, but cried alone. When he messed his hair and locked himself in the wardrobe keeping him private from the external surroundings.

He wailed out louder, and threw his alarm clock on the mirror, breaking the reflector.

Renjun banged his door from outside asking him what happened in the middle of the night, but the loud noises only made his chest rise and fall at a higher rate. He said that it was fine but Renjun waited until he stopped crying and started feeling numb. He leaned on the door, kneeling down and wailing while Renjun asked him to open his door. Mark denied, feebly in his pleading voice. After a long while, he calmed down.

He picked up the glass pieces after stepping onto them to throw them in the dustbin. He went to the washroom, drowned his face in the filled sink until he struggled to breathe.

The next morning, he questioned how much longer he would have to suffer, endure the price for his sins, and break his heart as much as he broke others.

"The world is a cold place to live in," Renjun would say but why did Mark feel that he was the cold one here? The cold, heartless, numb one with not a single ray of hope in the beam of humanity. Renjun asked him if he was alright, Mark nodded an affirmative and Renjun expected him to be honest about his condition; which is a fruitless endeavor, Mark is never completely honest. He always had something to hide in and hide from, concealing his true image.

He took the day off from the college today and Renjun had sent Donghyuck to the house "just in case".

He begged Donghyuck to leave him alone and said that it was fine to leave so as to not skip his college but Donghyuck reasoned that the accounts professor wouldn't attend the premises leaving them only free periods. Mark rolled his eyes, feeling how sorry he was already. He apologized to him vocally about the accident in the court despite texting him multiple times.

"If you apologize one more time, I will just leave," Donghyuck said.

Go ahead, Mark wanted to say, but inwardly wanting to keep himself with him, but he was rude enough to everybody.

"I know I'm nobody but I can try my best to help you out, but that's only possible if you can say something." When he said something, he was quiet and never wanted to talk again. Mark was tired. He left his room, having Donghyuck carry many questions.

Donghyuck dialed Renjun's contact with an irritated state, "Dude, what the hell is going on here? I don't understand what's happening to him and he doesn't open his mouth. What should I think of all this?"

"He is not doing well Hyuck-"

"Dude, I was the one who bled, which is absolutely fine too. But why is he crying? He hasn't been talking to me too, I don't understand anything," he complained.

"Shut up, Donghyuck. I am being serious, please just be there for two more hours and you will be free, I promise."

"Oh shut it, I am not against being here, but I am just confused about this, concerned even," Donghyuck changed his tone to a softer one, he didn't understand what to make of this situation. Where he was supposed to talk freely with Mark and make a clear conversation about their feelings, he was stuck here, with Mark just abandoning him like a plague. Renjun sighed for a moment and then hung up while Donghyuck went on with completing his record book.

Oh, to know what was happening in Mark's brain…

Donghyuck would be in tears after knowing the mind state of Mark. That's what Mark thought as he eavesdropped on their phone call completely by accident. Mark stripped himself and saw his body with scars from his childhood up until now, recollecting all the instances when it happened.

He thought to himself continuously of how he could live like this and tried to think of a place he could go, judging how he ran away all the time. First, from his parents, then Canada and now even Donghyuck.

He let the hot water sink in through his wounds, burning them even more but Mark didn't cry this time. He wished he could kiss the joys like before, and smile when he was angry. When did Mark grow so fleeting like the ordinary? Or was he all the time? The humbleness of his existence made him upset, throwing him into the possibility of him being a useless, mundane substance in this huge universe.

He threw up once and reckoned the universe would nowhere be affected by the absence of his reckless soul, he knew that he couldn't fill the void in his heart but the void caused in the universe by his senility was easy to fill. And Mark always wanted easy.

His friends, parents and his uncle look at him, look at him destroying himself and how he desperately wishes for someone to save him from himself. He knew he could do so much but why doesn't his mind let him? He knows people loved him but why was it so difficult to believe? He knows that it would be alright but why doesn't it feel like it? And how long? He hated the way the time moved on without any attestation or any destination. But the destination is something Mark is scared to look for. In reality, Mark was anxious if he didn't know what could happen, but also anxious if he knew the worst that could happen. He denounced it was safer to stop his journey rather than getting aware of the times.

He came out, not giving heed to Donghyuck in the hall, and ate his bread, spreading the jam. He gulped the water with nervousness in a magnitude only he knew of, an unexplainable one and unbearable one.

They say that the person who doesn't fear death knows no fear but Mark knows every other fear except for death, but that was only a sign of his cowardice. A prince can't become a king if he is weak. His uncle was always right about him and knew him better than anybody else.

He doesn't notice Donghyuck excusing himself to the washroom as if he even cared about his surroundings. As a child to a teenager to becoming an adult, he heard preachers telling the followers to think of the almighty while attaining the end of the human life. He didn't expect it to come this early, in a way any depressed person would want to eradicate himself from the world.

The knife which buttered his loaf grazed his wrist. He strived twice but his consciousness didn't let his hand hurt, therefore, he closed his eyes and aimed his hand randomly. As he hit the spot, he thrusted it inward if that was even possible. The regret which sliced through him hurt more. He cried out and almost choked.

He took it out and fell on the ground out of fatigue and pain. He moaned, panting and sweating, and raised his palms colored in blood. He smiled for the first time in days; and when he wanted to close his eyes…

….he suddenly felt someone catching his face.

"Mark? Mark? Don't close your eyes, keep them open, don't give up, Mark." Donghyuck patted his cheeks continuously but Mark wanted to sleep peacefully.

He didn't want to wake up from the ecstasy he was feeling but Donghyuck pulled him over to the couch with the utmost power he could offer. It was as if his father would pull over his blanket for oversleeping during the weekdays trying to abandon his school, and he would whine requesting for a few more minutes till he was satisfied. This time, it was him trying to abandon his duties and obligations as a human being surrendering himself to the reaper.

He heard Donghyuck's voice, screaming if he was being honest, but worrisome and very loud, contrasting Mark's peace.

"Mark, breathe."

Mark doesn't want to.

He let the horrors completely wash over him, let them drown him down completely. Let the demons feed in with his negativity. Let the witches take control over him…he was going to be free, finally. This time, he had no intention to fight back. The longer he lurked in his darkness, the harder it was to survive.

“Give up… it will all be over.” The voices in his head told him. Ending himself was such a tempting offer. He was going to start a new life soon. He had hope in that new beginning… no more uncle, new parents and new him who wasn't pathetic.

“Mark… please don't give up.” he heard Donghyuck, voice quivering and hands shaking.

Donghyuck-ah…

He wanted to hold his hand… for the first and for the last time and tell him that loving him, even though for a very small amount of time, was so pure and beautiful, something he had never experienced. He didn't know love was such a beautiful feeling, and thanks to Donghyuck.

Shame that he would never be with him… but in his next life, he would treat his partner properly, get married and treat his child properly unlike the way he was treated. And he would be strong to hold himself and to hold his family.

Oh to experience self-love…

But in this life, shame on him that he could never be good enough to be with him… he would never want to be with him and pour his toxicity on him too. Donghyuck deserved to be happy.

Mark suddenly hissed in pain.

“Endure a little more…” he heard someone say.

Maybe it was in his head. He was nearing the bank of the river, perhaps… the bank where he would walk into a new path and experience the goodness of new life.

He recollected his past, hoping that this would be the last time he would recall those moments and later, he would enjoy his last breath. “I'll be nice next time, I promise, don't hit me please,” he would hold his hands together and beg him.

“Mama, help me…” he would mumble, tearing up, just to be warned again and to get hit for crying so hard.

But his mama was never around and never came around when he needed her the most. She left him as prey to the wolf who enjoyed tearing him apart. Carefully, muscle by muscle, bone by bone, until he was alive but had no intention to live.

Shaking in the rain, he would look up at the clouds and would watch the lightning. He would wonder why the lighting wouldn't strike him instead.

Was he so undeserving of love that no one would come around to take care of his bruises? Had no one understood how much it had hurt that little child's fragile body? His mama never noticed, his papa didn't care. But a friend in an unfamiliar country, he did.
He still remembers Donghyuck's concerned face, who immediately got up to tend to his burn. He wanted to smile and thank him. But it was too late.

His mama, Papa or even his uncle never noticed how alone he was in his school. Never cared about why no one came to his house, why no one called him for parties or why he missed out on his prom and spent his entire day in his room.

But, those never hurt him. Perhaps, he was too busy counting his scars and trying his best to hold back his tears in the middle of the class, it sure did hurt him like he was hit by a truck. No one ever approached him, nor anyone asked him how he felt. No one called him to play with them, but Jeno did.

He wanted to go back to Taeyong and apologise. When did Mark become so good at lying?

Right.

He was always good at lying. Thanks, uncle. The only form of art he learned from fearing his uncle was to lie like a champ. And he did it, every time Taeyong asked about his scars, he would tell him the same reason. “I tried to cook and burned myself.”

Taeyong would say something and surprisingly Mark would buy it and somehow manage to have faith in his life. But that's the problem, right? He had no intention to have faith. This was his choice and it's over now.

Maybe this is the reason why life has always been so cruel to him. All these people are so kind to him… and he didn't deserve any of them. Thinking about not being a good friend and a good client is making him anxious. He was never a good child… never a good friend, what a waste of a life.

Tears streamed down his face, he hoped no one goes through this much pain. The hurricane was back again… the dark thoughts overpowered him again.

“Loser.”

“You are the child who deserves a miscarriage.”

“Watch the world being happy after you die.”

“No one cares about your existence. Consider yourself lucky for living so long.”

And he thought he deserved happiness. What all his head told him was true. Uncle never lies and his anxious thoughts never lie. Curling up into a ball, he whimpered in pain. Everything hurts. How much more time until he went through this hell?

Those voices got louder.

Until the storm ended and he was met by a beautiful sunrise. Followed by falling into a warm embrace.

“Mama?” he called out.

“Why did you do this to yourself, Mark?”

Donghyuck?

“Mama?” he called out again.

She was there… right in front of him, eyeing his scars and tears in his eyes. “Why do you keep doing this?”

It hurts if he doesn't… it hurts if he does. But feeling the physical pain calmed his mental one.

She choked. “Don't do this… don't leave me.”

Too late.

“Just stay with me… I genuinely love you.”

Lies. It's a trap. She would leave him to the wolf again.

“I don't have anyone else, baby… please don't lose hope.”

She's not real.

“You are stronger than you think. Give yourself another chance, please… ” she begged, holding his hands.

“Stop acting as if you mean it, mama…” he mumbled.

“I mean it.” she teared up, kissing his forehead. Funny how the only time he felt her love was in the last moments of his life. And she isn't even real… how miserable. Mark wanted to let out a chuckle, but before he could Mark drowned in the darkness.

Mark's eyes opened to disappointment. He looked at Donghyuck who was almost passed out on the chair in his room. He let out a sigh and gulped down tears. His throat felt sour and his body ached. He had woken up to hell residing on earth.

Donghyuck jolted awake suddenly and looked at Mark, “Want some water?” he asked.

“I didn't expect to see you in hell, Donghyuck,” Mark tried to joke, ignoring Donghyuck's question.

“You are not dead, Mark.”

He had got that part and Donghyuck didn't need to state it for him.

“How are you feeling right now?”

Dead. Disappointed. Pathetic.

Something that Mark was used to feeling all his life but in the worst way possible.

Donghyuck didn't get an answer for that question either but was met by Mark turning his back on him. Mark let out a shaky exhale and covered himself with the blanket. He closed his eyes and let the tears fall against his feverish body.

Though not dead, he felt like he was swinging between feeling dead and his body reacting to keep him alive.

“You shouldn't have saved me…” Mark mumbled after a long silence.

“Mark… listen-” Donghyuck tried to climb up the bed to reach him.

“Don't get near me… you might carry my sickness. And trust me, it's not the best feeling.”

Before Donghyuck could say anything, Mark interrupted him.

“The world was doing you all a favour by getting rid of a loser like me.”

“That's not true, Mark.”

Yes, it is. Donghyuck might be thinking good of him because he doesn't know how pathetic he is.

“You don't understand, Donghyuck. But I'm not surprised to find optimism, the world has plenty of people like you.”

Mark realised how bad it sounded. Going through a range of stuff doesn't mean he has the right to be mean to the world. If he was in Donghyuck’s position… maybe he would've done the same thing.

But that's the issue, he can never imagine himself in Donghyuck's shoes. Can never look at the world the way he sees it. He was brought up in an environment of faking happiness, constantly being sick and starving for days. He and happiness never belonged in the same line.

“I mean… which is a good thing.” he retorted to himself.

“You need to take pills for your fever,” Donghyuck muttered.

“Later… it hurts too much to wake up.” which is the reason why he should be asleep forever. “Leave, Donghyuck.”

He had enough of looking at the person he loved and the reason why he's alive.

“Please. Go home. You don't need to do this for me. I'm nobody to you.” he paused. “I'm not in a mood to argue with you… leave.”

Mark fell asleep hoping to never see the next morning… but he fortunately or unfortunately did.

“Don't panic. But it'll hurt a little bit.”

Who?

“Thank goodness the cut wasn't deep. It'll heal in a couple of weeks. Be more careful, Mark.” he smiled at him.

When he was done dressing his wound, he spotted Donghyuck standing behind him nervously, biting his nails. When the man left the room, their eyes met. Mark looked away and hoped he would not start a conversation.

Donghyuck left the room with a rush when the man called him who at this point, Mark reckoned to be his father.

What seemed like hours later, Mark saw Renjun opening the door with a tray. “Eat this and take this tablet,” he said, which sounded more like an order.

Mark gulped down whatever it was. His throat felt nasty and the tablet was nastiest.

He watched the days pass by looking at the ceiling. His sleep schedule was messy and he had no appetite. At one point, he had known no difference in the time, date, month until Renjun was there to remind him that food and water are necessary to live.

Mark felt like Renjun was more concerned about him than his mother.

“I'm leaving the water bottle and this juice here. Drink it, okay?”

Mark turned his back on him but nodded anyway.

“I'll be done with all my stuff after 5, call me if you need anything.”

Mark left the things untouched and Renjun didn't say anything. He would give up soon.

“I'll be done after 4, call me if you need anything. Leaving the water bottle here.”

He can't do this forever.

“Breakfast Mark. It's Sunday.”

And he would force that thing into his system.

“I'm leaving the water bottle here. Would be here all day, call me if you want anything.”

Renjun… give up, please.

“Leaving lunch. Please eat. Leaving the water bottle too. I'll be done with my stuff by 6, call me if you need anything.” Mark nodded.

And Renjun would let out a sigh the evening he came home.

Renjun will be sick of it soon.

“Hey, breakfast.”

Mark sighed. Burning skies, Renjun is stubborn. But then again, Renjun would repeat the same words before he left the house.

Mark was sick of it. He counted two Sundays along the way and hoped that before the next weekend, he would be away from this.

Mark saw Donghyuck's father a few times but it was usually Jeno or Donghyuck dressing his wound, checking his temperature, sometimes waking him up to take the tablets. He wasn't sick of his sickness but he was sick of them. He didn't meet their eyes even if they tried to. And didn't utter a word to them.

He had no tears left to shed. He had no soul to feel anything at this point, he tried to bring himself together with pieces of his soul only to realise no piece connected with the other. He started broken, he was still broken.

Mark dragged his feet to the washroom one night and when he came back, he heard mumbling in the living room.

“He keeps doing this to himself…”

That was Renjun. Mark opened his door to peek outside to find Renjun holding Jeno to support himself while Donghyuck was sitting down, his head on his father's lap.

“I can't look at him. But when I do, I feel like I'm looking at myself in the mirror, it hurts so much.” Renjun sniffed and wiped his tears. “I wonder how long this lasts… it feels like it's been ages since we were normal.”

“I wonder who's going to tell him that he's very important to us,” Jeno mumbled.

“I want him back, Appa.” Donghyuck choked.

Same words from Renjun the next day. Jeno and Donghyuck came over a while later, helped with his bandages.

And the next day.

And the next few days.

Mark wouldn't stop thinking about that night. His family would never react this way. What did he do wrong? Where did things go wrong? He listed out things, thought about the times he got punished but every time he remembered the pain it caused, it became hard to think. It was always his fault, wasn't it? His family might not care if they heard that he had ended himself. But these people, who he met maybe like a year ago, seemed devastated. He walked to the washroom and looked back at his body.

Disgusting.

Ugly.

He closed his eyes, trying to keep his thoughts away. His body smelled bad, his breath was terrible. Doesn't matter. Nobody dies smelling like jasmine and roses.

Can he choke himself until he no longer breathes?

Or should he burn himself in the hot water?

Or should he drown himself in the bathtub?

Hang himself?

Mark sat on the toilet, still looking at his reflection and thinking.

Can he succeed this time?

Does he want to succeed this time?

Drowning would hurt less.

He spotted a blade in one corner. And this time, he was aiming the cut to be deeper. He looked at it and sighed.

This is it.

Mark gulped down the pain in his heart. He was going to do it.

This time, his hands were trembling, he was afraid. He gasped and let out a breathy exhale. He threw the blade away from him and held his head.

“No…” his voice came out muffled.

He can't. He doesn't want to anymore. He brushed his teeth and took a shower instead and went back to bed.

Hope. Once and for all.

A little ray of hope to live a few more years. If he had survived this long, with all the pain, it wouldn't be hard to survive another few.

“Breakfast, Mark. Good morning.”

Renjun smiled. Did he notice that he showered?

Milk and avocado tortilla.

Tasted divine.

“I'll be home by 5, I can help you with cleaning and stuff. Leaving the water bottle here. Donghyuck got brownies, it's in the fridge, you can have them.”

Mark nodded, looking at him.

He walked around the house, gulped down the water and took his tablets. When Renjun came back, he hugged Mark and helped him clean his room.

“Badminton is fun. Come around whenever you like,” Jeno told him when he came by the next evening.

“How about now?” Mark asked him.

Jeno was taken aback but he immediately dragged him outside. Something about coming outside after what seemed ages was… different. He felt good about himself. For the first time in forever.

“You are good at this,” Mark smiled as he complimented Jeno.

“You are good when you're happy too.” Jeno retorted.

“I had fun after so long. Thanks.”

“No problem, mate. Just give me a ring if you wanna play around. I truly want you to know that you mean a lot to us. We love you.”

Mark looked down and nodded.

Donghyuck came around at night, dressed his wounds again. “Leaving the water bottle here. Stay hydrated, Mark.”

“Donghyuck…”

Donghyuck looked back at him, his eyes glowing with a mixture of happiness and surprise. “Yeah?”

“Do you wanna like… stay over?” Surprisingly… Mark just wanted to talk to someone, desperately.

Donghyuck, without any further questions, accepted his request and settled on his bed. A while later, Mark moved towards him. Nearly a month later, he let out his pain again. Crying after so long felt relaxing.

Donghyuck wrapped his arms around him, patting on his back periodically and didn't ask any questions.

“I'm equally mad and equally glad that you were there, you know?” Mark mumbled. Donghyuck hummed in response. “I'm thankful, Donghyuck.”

His vulnerability... It was Donghyuck to see again.

“You might think I'm crazy… probably you don't understand.”

Donghyuck pulled Mark closer. “Dad says pain is unique. You might not understand how I feel and I wouldn't understand how you might or even how Renjun might feel, we never understand each other completely. But that doesn't mean I think you're crazy. My dad is a doctor, Mark. Do you think I used to understand how he used to feel when he used to lock himself for days without food sometimes?”

It's how a therapist's jobs work. Sometimes they aren't happy, watching others heal because of their advice makes them happy. Donghyuck wanted to add. Watching his dad go through the stress made him angry, sad and lose hope on the subject.

“Dad also says it's how the world works. It isn't completely colourful or completely corrupt,” he added, instead.

“Thanks to your dad. And maybe it's how the genes work. You have his look on you, even when you speak.”

Donghyuck shrugged. “Some say I look like my mom. But it's fine. Renjun says I look like a monster, Jeno says I am a monster.” he sighed.

Mark smiled.

“My dad always asked when I would call you over.”

“Oh. Shame that he had to see me like this.”

“I'm sure he would be as happy as we would be when you get well. And you should meet him. Trust me, even a shy person like Jeno feels comfortable around him.”

“I hope I won't be given a lecture like my therapist gives me.”

Donghyuck chuckled. “No promises. When do you plan on visiting your therapist then?”

“Soon possibly.”

As the conversations went deeper, Mark would slightly hint about his uncle and his family, hoping that Donghyuck would understand. When things would get heavy, Donghyuck would pull him closer, calm him down.

“Don't call yourself a loser ever again,” Donghyuck mumbled. “You might not believe me if I say you have been such a motivation to me. Thinking about your guts to travel to a different continent. Doing something you genuinely want to do, fight for it and do it very well is something that takes a lot of strength too, Mark. You always shined bright. But your thoughts were restricted to a planet that assumes sunrises and sunsets. But the sun never sets and never rises. Just give any of us a call if you feel bad. We will always be there for you. And you don't need to be perfect for anyone. We all are humans. But you are valid and you are important.”

~~

“Wait, you're Mark?!”

Mark nodded.

“Like, Mark lee?”

Mark nodded again.

“Jeno hyung! This is the guy… Mark lee!”

Jeno came back dribbling the basketball. “Yeah, he is?”

“Ah, I'm going crazy.”

Jeno sighed. “Don't you think you're overreacting?”

“Overreacting? Hyung, you don't realize but I've been dying to meet him for so many days - no - for so many months. It's crazy. And I was sick of imagining all the possibilities of how he looks. And TMI: you look better than what I had imagined.”

Mark giggled.

“Donghyuck hyung - that guy seriously, he never shuts up about you. We have dinner and dad asks about the day and this fellow goes, “Mark this, Mark that, you know I and Mark did that and we also did this.” And I have to deal with him even in our room and I realize that he isn't done talking about you? And this happens almost every day.” Chenle sighed, shaking his head.

Donghyuck talked about him. “Almost every day.”

“Did he ever - in the name of heavens talk about me?”

Mark smiled and pretended as though he thought about it. “Hmm, other than saying that you're a monster, none that I could think of.”

Chenle chuckled. “Hyung has a habit of overstating things. He loves me that much.”

“You have a habit of overstating things, Chenle,” Jeno said.

Chenle chuckled again. “Hyungs love me so much,” he said, pulling his non-existent bangs behind his ear.

Jeno shook his head, while his eyes smiled. “Such a diva,” he sighed. “I'm so sorry you're going to deal with him today.”

“No worries. Mark hyung and I would be such great friends, watch you all be jealous of us.” Chenle added, wrapping his hands around Mark's arms.

Getting together his thoughts before he met Taeyong was a good way… right?

-----

The places where Mark tried to run away from were coming back to him. He was lost in the desert. Exhaustion took over his broken soul, while he walked around in the sand alone, barefoot, carrying his wraith behind his back.

He was tired. He was cycling back to the same spot even if he tried to run away from it, he lost hope.

“You shouldn't run away,” Taeyong said, with a smile when he came to the cabin. “My sister says running away from fear only causes it to follow you. The faster you run, the faster it follows. And then she asked me to fight it. Well, that's a discussion for another time.”

Mark avoided eye contact with him. His cabin almost felt like a principal's office and Mark was here to discuss his poor performance in his exams, his life. But he was sure that Taeyong wouldn't be a bad evaluator who would judge him for being vulnerable.

Just because he was alive at this moment, that didn't make him any happy. Thanks to Donghyuck, he reckons. But the pain wasn't any less.

“I have a bad feeling about this session.”

It's what Taeyong had said before they started the session.

At one point in time, all Mark wanted was to be understood the way he tried to understand his family. He wanted all of them to respect his feelings, why he got sad, why he got hurt or why the way he behaved. He just wished for a family to form a mutual understanding. But all Mark remembered was slapping his face and apologizing.

He held his head down, pushing away the thought of his feelings to be respected and asked for forgiveness for the times his uncle was in a bad mood. “It's my fault, I've failed you.” His uncle would dodge the apology and go on to scream at him, blaming himself in the end again until Mark was on his knees again asking for forgiveness.

He teared up when he was alone. He just wished someone would give him a warm hug to tell him that he was loved, he was important and he was valid. To his sorrow, no one showed up.

Mark was reduced into tears. The longer he teared up, the more it seemed to hurt. He got himself together, and let it all out. The weeks of trauma, in the most detailed way he could. He didn't dare to look at Taeyong, he didn't want to look at his reaction, be it out of pity, concern or anything else.

“It wasn't like I wanted to die… I just couldn't continue with the pain, especially when the ones I wanted to understand, couldn't see. Didn't care. I felt like… there aren't many options. I like to live, trust me. But not with the same amount of pain I'm going through.”

“I sincerely apologize for not understanding what's going on, Mark. I could've-”

Mark shook his head and interrupted him. “It's not your fault, I promise. You have truly been a great supporter to me, and I'm sure you would've helped me to prevent the situation and thoughts. It just happened at that moment, there were no thoughts, it was a blind decision. My choice… and, I think, a bad one.”

“Mark, we need to be honest with each other. I'm pretty sure you are here with the hope that you want to get better and I hope you'll give your 100% to take care of your recovery progress. You wouldn't understand how thankful I am that you survived, genuinely. Can you tell me how your friends felt when they saw you in this situation? How did you feel about it?”

Something he had never experienced… a pure concern and a shoulder he thinks he could rely on. The tenderness they showed gave him a bit of hope to maybe try again.

“Let them give a chance to you to show how much they care for you,” Taeyong said.

“Having done this feels like a failure in itself. It's like a new emotion hurting me… shame and guilt. I can't believe I was someone who tried to kill myself.”

Mark looked at his hands in pity. His hands that held the knife, who held the blade again…

“Walking along the path of my life right now feels like I'm climbing up a mountain with a rock on my back. It's getting hard to breathe but I don't want to end this at the moment. This shame isn't letting me sleep. But I'm not sure of myself for the next time… I - I just don't know anymore. It's unpredictable.”

Taeyong came towards him and placed his hand on his shoulder.

“Life itself is a path that gives you experiences and through them, you learn. This huge choice of yours gave you another chance of survival. Maybe this time, you can prove yourself. I'm always there for you, Mark and I'm pretty sure your friends are with you too. We are in this together. I'm so happy that you're here today, I'm so glad you decided to come back. We'll take things small. We will put whatever happened in the past aside and focus on building us stronger.”

An armour so strong, a warrior who was on the verge of his death would stand against the demon he fears the most and battle against it. He will fall. A thousand times, ten thousand times but this time, he won't give up.

The vulnerability was a companion that's constantly with him. Going back to the University to catch up with the stuff that happened was incredibly stressful. There were nights when he thought of giving up again… or at least, punishing himself. He thought about it again and again but he didn't bring himself to.

“Let me look at it.” Taeyong eyed his scars.

He didn't know if it was the best decision or not, but he told him. The only secret that's left to disclose.

Taeyong went on to ask him questions like what's his thought process, when does he do it and any weapon, in particular, he chooses to do this. Mark answered it with honesty.

“You wouldn't understand how glad I'm that you're finally coming out and telling me about this. And I'm glad you're trying to move on from this. When the urge to harm yourself is neutral, draw something pretty where you want to cut. When it is so strong, distract yourself from those thoughts to visualise your body to be that of a child. Would you harm something so fragile? Would you starve yourself? Look at your own body, protect it as your life depends on it.”

Mark rushed into the cycle of his life. Little but interactions with his parents, a lot with his friends, too much with his university.

30 days and no cut on his body.

“I'm proud,” Taeyong said.

“I have a long way to go, but I'm so far from where you used to be. I'm proud of it too.”

“Don't lose this track. Your demon will always find a way back, and you should be ready to fight it.”

He will try to be.

~~

Going through his phone, Renjun dropped it accidentally on the floor and bent down hastily to grab it, while hurting Mark's knee in the process. Mark flinched in reflex but realized it doesn't hurt anymore.

He was proud of himself. He smiled, yawning.

"Sorry," Renjun said.

"It's okay, it doesn't hurt," Mark said, smiling, although he doesn't know if Renjun could sense his confidence. After a few seconds, Renjun asked him, "so?"

"So? So what?"

"What's your progress so far? What did your therapist say today?" Renjun asked in a soft voice.

Mark took a breath, and blurted out, "Just the usual stuff, I guess?" He grinned and said in a jovial manner, "he asked me to go out more and exercise, it's very important. From tomorrow, I will only go out to bring stuff, okay?"

Renjun hummed, "and what else?"

He started with a hesitant tone but put his face straight and spoke in a cocky tone, "He said, 'bitch be nicer to yourself and all."

He is trying to.

Renjun snickered continuously to the point he coughed and Mark couldn't help but do the same.

Compassion is the thing he had to work on, to others and especially himself, that's what Taeyong had said. That included him initiating gatherings and conversations with the people he loves; his friends and parents. He did the chores with more caution, handling his body gently with care. He also tried to help Renjun with the cleaning and Donghyuck with the English language.

He asked Renjun out of curiosity which came out of nowhere, "How's your art therapy going on?"

"Huh? That's sudden," Renjun said, awkwardly. Mark left a sigh.

"Well," Renjun said out anyway, "I'm doing well, I guess? Or I hope? I don't know man," he said shyly.

"You are good at art, Renjun," he was genuine, "Honestly, I have seen no other person so passionate and also talented in art in my whole life." Renjun scoffed out a laugh.

After a comfortable silence, Renjun continued in a soft voice, "I was not always good, you know?" Mark knows but doesn't speak out. He remembers the time when Renjun had to deal with troubles expressing his sentiments, with his insecurities emerging from growing up in a conservative family where elders hardly paid heed to his condition.

Once Renjun had told him in the past how his father understood Renjun only because of his eyes and face because they never spoke properly. Keeping that reason in consideration, he always put a smile on his face, concealing his thoughts and confining them within himself. He lived a tedious life, his family showing the least of their pain, joy, resentment, or excitement.

"You know when I joined art therapy class for the first time? To this date, I'm very glad my parents were supportive of this, to be honest," about him being homosexual and having a romantic relationship with a man? He isn't sure. Mark reckoned he was not eligible to question Renjun's objection to his parents. When Renjun denounced that he saw himself in Mark, he knew it wasn't positive. But he hoped the growth and development they undergo would be the same, and was eagerly awaiting the positive similarity between them. Mark was silent for a long time so he spoke a little, "Yeah, it's good to find passion in doing something you love and can also take care of."

Renjun nodded, "Yeah, I was lucky that way," only that way.

Lightening up the mood, Mark said, "I would like it if you ever gave me my portrait, you know?"

"Cheeky," Renjun teased, causing Mark to laugh, "But I have a long way to go," his voice was serious.

"Hmm?"

"I'm not as good as you think of me, Mark. I'm just an amateur painter who is struggling on paper and with life."

"No, don't say that," Mark was quick to defend, "You know what Taeyong said to me about being an amateur?"

"What?"

"We shouldn't undermine that word as incapability or being average. Its Greek origin translates to amare, which means doing something you love. While giving your love."

"If you put it that way, it doesn't seem as bad." Renjun agreed.

"Because it's not at all. Never have second thoughts about it, Renjun. You are doing great, I promise." The way he was so sure about others but doubts himself all the time.

"There was a time when I wanted to give it up," Renjun leaned back and continued, "I was so sick of it because I couldn't do it at all; every day, it was as if I was just filling in the homework but I wasn't exactly 'learning' anything if you know what I mean."

"I understand."

"So, I was bad at faces. I still am no Picasso, but I have improved a lot by God's grace. I always drew sceneries and objectified drawings, or stick figures, but one day, my instructor asked me to draw four humans eating while laughing, I remember that day so vividly for some reason," Renjun raised his voice very slightly and did hand gestures, "while a person at the back just looked at them glaring." It's a peculiar instruction, Mark inferred but assumed that it all depended on the theme.

"So, I was obviously nervous but- next day, I turned up with stick figures and portraying emotions figuratively, like drawing an angry person with scratches on his head region or the person smiling with a flower giving to another person." Mark was amazed how Renjun could bring out the inner meaning of emotions on their face, evaluating the depth of somebody's feelings.

"But I was scolded, well not exactly, just nagged."

"You could have used internet emoticons for help, you know. It's a lot simpler."

Renjun smiled, "If I copied it from somewhere, it wouldn't be my art, would it?" Mark pressed his lips in understanding.

"The instructor was kind and polite enough to make me understand the importance of expression in art, he asked me to go out of my private zone and explore people, people who laugh and cry, who get angry and sad, who experience pain, experience life. And express those emotions too; explicitly and full-fledgedly."

Mark smiled back.

"I think that's the time when I met Jeno, and Donghyuck too. Both of them were very close to me and well, I was more associated with Jeno because we were in a relationship, we still are, but you get what I mean."

Mark nodded and sighed.

"I could express myself with more freedom and it felt like somebody removed my ties when Jeno approached me. He engaged me in conversations and his kind smile gave me comfort," he was quick to retort, "I won't accept it if you make fun of me for saying this."

"I won't," Mark chuckled. Jeno is shy and that's a famous opinion among the friends but Renjun is no better.

"I'm still not perfect or excellent in this stuff, but I hope that one day, I grow as an artist and individual, who isn't upset," who isn't scared.

Mark hopes too, one day, that he smiles heartfully, openly and the only thing he hid behind his smile was his shy face, unlike all the times where he had to conceal his underlying fear and trauma he goes through.

Mark wishes to have hope and wishes that he and Renjun could help each other in that.

"Hey," Mark called him in a raspy voice.

"Yeah?"

"If I ever become a professional author, would you be my illustrator?"

"I am up for it, of course."

The dim light commencing from out of the window, the blaze moonshine, and the comfortable smell of the candles was the evidence of their tiny yet meaningful promise about their "contract" proving their trust in the long-lasting friendship too.

Renjun moved to his room after leaving Mark in the hall who had suggested sleeping outside of his room after that night, hoping that the voices wouldn't torment him in different air.

The following morrow, Mark prepared the breakfast and Renjun thanked him for the extra orange juice he had made for he had asked for one, the previous night.

"Don't waste too many fruits though, Some of us are poor," Renjun joke warned.

"I improved from last time," Mark defended.

Renjun giggled, chugging down.

Mark nudged him again, wanting to ask a query but also hesitating since he asked too much, "Can I ask something?"

"Mm-hmm?"

"Who was first?"

"In?"

"Confessing. Who did it first? You or Jeno?"

"You are awfully asking too much,
Mark Lee."

"I am sorry."

Renjun shook his head, "I was just kidding, I just was doubting where this all came from, suddenly. Maybe there is something you would want to take as personal advice?" Renjun teased.

Mark stared at him with pressed lips, "I'm sorry?" This time it sounded rather fierce.

The other boy chuckled, "It's nothing to be ashamed or embarrassed about, Mark. Don't be scared too. It's something you love." Mark's chest went down at that part, he wasn't ashamed or embarrassed; nobody should feel ashamed to love Donghyuck too, he doesn't deserve a partner who is not confident to have him. But he was indeed scared, not of Donghyuck but himself. Afraid of hurting himself or the person he loves. Having made a mistake once in the past with his girlfriend, and considering the breakup happening because of him, he was scared to take a step forward.

"It was Jeno who confessed," Renjun interrupted his thoughts, "But I was the one who liked him first. I never saw positive signs of his romantic attraction towards me so I never wanted to risk it by approaching myself in that way too. I didn't want to mistake his kindness for love."

Kind people are more common than Mark experienced. Nice people exist without an expectation of the return of their concern or care, who offer their compassion unconditionally. Maybe Donghyuck is just kind, and nothing else.

"After some time, he asked me out. I still didn't want to hurry so I had taken the time and accepted his proposal. I will always be grateful for his patience towards me."

Mark would give time too, both for himself and Donghyuck.

~~

"Can I lay here?" That's what Mark asked first when he got to the room. Taeyong nodded, and Mark pressed his back to the sofa, crossing his legs pretending to be confident in front of his therapist.

"So how have you been lately?"

"I don't know."

"Pardon?"

"Taeyong, I don't understand."

"What happened?"

"Nothing specific. I'm just confused and lost. I don't understand when this will ever end. Or if it ever will. I know it's stupid at this point-"

"It's never stupid, Mark."

"-But I still feel anxious. I thought it's normal for everybody but I don't know, I might be over-analyzing stuff yet it still kind of troubles me. The fact that I have to always think twice before speaking and that I regret the stuff I say. Sometimes I feel I'm too reserved when others talk to me but I am also a hell of a lot annoying if I initiate a conversation from my side because the other person might not be interested. Yeah, it's a trivial concern but-" Mark sighed, "I hope I don't drain you out with my nonsense, I'm sorry."

"It's nothing of that sort, Mark. It's my job, you can carry on, trust me."

"I just want to know when this will end, those thoughts are just random."

"Intrusive thoughts are normal in anxiety, Mark. But I advise you to give those thoughts evidence before coming to a destination."

"I don't get it."

"It's like you must fact check your overthinking feelings before you make an opinion about a person. For example, just now you said that you would feel rude to reject a conversation but also feel as if you are forcing somebody into a conversation they might not like. Isn't it contrasting? You just put yourself at fault on both sides of the party, but most of the time it's not. None of them are. Just imagine yourself as the opposite person and judge how your reactions would be. See if you would want to reject the conversation you are offering and then go on further. Imagine the vice versa too, and you would realize that much of this wouldn't matter at all. It's no harm, Mark."

Mark shifted his eyes to the ceiling in thought with narrowed brows. When he spoke, neither of his friends seemed uninterested or bored and he remembered how Jeno would get playfully scolded by Donghyuck or Renjun for not paying enough attention while they spoke. Jeno isn't rude, so isn't Mark.

Mark smiled softly, "I wish I studied psychology too so that I could understand the basic human behaviors. It can help me a lot to know what goes on in people's minds." Mark joked, but Taeyong resolved his query, "The most important thing is to understand your emotions first, Mark. The moment you completely acknowledge and judge your feelings properly, you would realize that it doesn't matter if you take a test on someone else's mind or not. A person who doesn't realize self worth expects validation from others, a person who can't respect himself searches for the respect in others words. But it shouldn't be the case, the acknowledgement starts from within."

Mark hummed.

"I wish I will be okay, one day. Can't just erase the ill fate in just a year, right?"

"Of course, healing is a slow process but very necessary. Ever looked at a spiral staircase?" Taeyong stood up, walking behind his chair, and circled his left hand while making motions with his right index finger, "You go round and round, slowly in the same path, and come out of it after crossing each circle. You might have to take many turns Mark, and cross many circles, you can go slow Mark, it's never a hurry. The time you rise, you reach the next level."

Mark got up, and held his chin in thought, "What if you get lost in the spiral? What if it turns out like a maze and can't find a way out?"

Taeyong chuckled, "That's what a map's for."

"Are therapists the map?" Taeyong gave an affirmative expression.

"Do you have counselors too?"

Taeyong nodded, "There was a time when I needed one. But it's common for us to have therapists of our own too."

Mark hummed, "Is it okay if I asked you what for?"

Taeyong left the heaviest sigh that day, "I was a bully, Mark."

Mark was spellbound. He stared at him with a shocked face and didn't say anything. Taeyong continued, "It's true Mark, I was once a bully during my youth. It was nothing I was taught, my parents were not problematic or reckless, I just thought it was cool. They didn't know about me, my sister reprimanded me but I was stubborn. I don't know when the point turned, but it was the time when my mother expired and just then, my sister got married. I felt lonely because of their absence and I just experienced the feeling of pain. For the first time, I sensed the fault in my actions and took a step forward."

Mark was searching for the words to say for he didn't know how to react to such a sudden unexpected revelation, "I'm happy you got to get out of the den." If Taeyong could, why can't he? He imagined Taeyong giving remedies to his clients who might have endured a terrible phase from people like him, and Taeyong always smiled positively. And that only comes from a long journey of forgiving himself and also making sure nobody else goes through the same. Mark respected Taeyong.

"Me too, I pat myself on that all the time. Life always gives us choices, hard to choose with the wisest of intentions. So recuperation is a big thing, Mark. I'm glad you took a step above death too, you chose life. You chose to reform yourself."

Mark scoffed out a laugh, "You have a very convenient way of thinking, you know? You always give me credit for the smallest reasons, Like, your thoughts are very comfortable to be- to think."

"What's wrong with convenience? Why is it that you should be hard on yourself all the time? You can live a comfortable life too, right?"

"But you should have to get out of your comfort zone too, or else you would end up being lazy." Mark hoped he made sense.

"Being in your comfort zone doesn't mean you are lazy, Mark. It hardly only means you give yourself more access with free wings. Discipline isn't done by being hard on yourself or compelling yourself for a useless thing. You know, my nephew, my sister's two year old son, he doesn't like brushing," Mark listened to him attentively, "So my sister used to meet both ends to make him brush twice a day, and he would cry and whine and finally brush, but one day I happened to notice how he loathed the taste of the strawberry essence in the toothpaste as he spit out disgusted, and I bought the mint flavor the next day," Taeyong raised his voice, "And guess what? I'm not lying, he didn't cry a bit when his mother brushed his teeth, no complaints whatsoever," he paused for a while and looked at Mark, "What do you understand from this, Mark?"

Mark scratched his nose, and thought, 'is this a trap or am I dumb or both-'

Taeyong however continued, "Here, the problem was that he didn't like the flavor, just changing it would make him comfortable and he was fine with brushing. It doesn't matter what flavor you use for brushing, right? Brushing is what should be given more importance. Similarly, our paths don't determine the magnitude of our success or destination, and punishing or forcing oneself just for the sake of getting a work done as if only the difficult way would bring extraordinary results… It's a very wrong idea that everybody has. Why can't we choose a simpler way? But again, there is a borderline between being leisure and comfortable. We must consider that. Also, it is also necessary to not be spiteful or unfair while choosing your direction too."

Mark nodded okay in understanding.

"And as you said previously, you must be free during conversations too, don't hold back."

"About that, I actually messed up once, kind of."

"What? Your parents?"

"No, not them. I'm still kind of awkward with them, that's different, but I am not talking about that. It's about Donghyuck. Once, I just told him randomly that I like him," Mark let out a breath, and shut his eyes tightly, "and I don't know anymore."

"So you realized you don't like him anymore?"

"No no no, of course, I do. But- he never brought it up again, so I'm nervous." Mark bent his head down.

"Well, did you bring it up?" Mark shook his head for that question. Taeyong smiled, "I see the problem then. It's okay, Mark. It's not like it needs to be urgent. Give it some time."

Mark doesn't even know if Donghyuck realized what Mark implied but doesn't intrude further. The session was enlightening, Mark reckoned and he made up to consider all the points and apply them to his best. Later Taeyong asked If he talked to his uncle any recently and Mark answered no. Taeyong didn't question further.

~~

Mark brought the vegetables and necessary snack items to the apartment and crossed over his bed with fatigue pouring down his body, and waited for Renjun to arrive soon. He wondered what took him so long to come back when Renjun had just left after some time Mark did. He had a long day, he wouldn't deny it. The professor sank the students into tons of homework and projects, he had to move around numerous classes for the seminar.

Few days, Mark just can't surmise why it happens; he was physically fit but he struggled to be active, on top of which he undertook many physical activities. In the beginning, it was all fun but the stress and work overload took a toll on him, with many concerns washing over his brain.

Sometimes, he calls his parents and they talk, and on his birthday, his father was the one who called him. Everybody including his uncle wished him too; all Mark could say was they were less mad than before. Yeah, time is the best medicine. He was glad. He received a few messages from Canada and frankly, he was surprised that they remembered but thought it to be because of social media.

On his birthday, he gave Renjun a jasmine plant, and Jeno a phone case. Donghyuck asked, "Why are you giving a gift to others on your birthday? Shouldn't it be the other way around?"

"I won't give you then, alright," Mark teased. He was quiet for a while but kept pestering him and asking for the present but this time, Mark was the one who was quiet by saying "No" whenever Donghyuck put his hand forward. At the end of the day, Mark gave him a tiny heart shaped locket in their privacy and Donghyuck probably understood why he was hesitating to give it to him in front of everybody. He pretended to be unfazed but even Mark was touched by his flushed face, he had never heard him stutter like this.

They talked casually but Mark could only think that Taeyong's instructions were so simple in words but very difficult to implement. If anything, he wanted to scratch the sentence when he said his thoughts were so convenient. He wished he could pat himself for going almost a month and a half without hurting himself, a remarkable achievement. But maybe sometimes the lack of pain makes you want to shred off the cause of the pain, Canada. He missed his country, his home, and his parents.

Sometimes, he wished for the snowflakes hitting his face, and the maple jam he used to eat in his house. He had got adjusted to the spiciness but wanted to taste the sweetness once more. Donghyuck once said, "You should come to my house once, my mom makes amazing sweets."

Once Mark had gone there too, and remembers eating a full bowl of rice, relishing the feeling of home food and the warmth of mothers love in her hands when she prepared the food. Donghyuck's mother pointed to him and whispered in her son's ears, "I have not seen a lad so thin but also yearning for so much rice." Donghyuck knew Mark never ate fully too. Mark remembers the way Donghyuck giggled at the quick slurping noises done by Mark to stuff the hot item inside and him apologizing later on.

Mark sighed at the thought, the simple words aren't supposed to mean anything but he admired Donghyuck's concern fully, and Jeno's courtesy all the time. He wondered what else he could have gotten in Canada, like the amazing friends here in Korea. It was difficult to forgive the suffering, to digest it even. But he should not dwell, should he? He is doing much better now, but wishing the best isn't exactly wrong.

"We are here for you, always," Jeno smiled at him that day. Renjun had been seeing his endurance since the very beginning and asked him to go to a therapist. Donghyuck assured them he could share his problems even if he was nobody to him. But he was not a nobody to him. Mark wanted to clear his mind and Donghyuck's. Therefore, he clicked his number faster than he had expected and didn't want to have second thoughts for once.

"Yes, Mark?" Donghyuck answered, probably in a hurry. Mark tensed up, "Hyuck, you are not busy right?"

"Yeah, of course, I'm busy. I have to write the treaty of queen Victoria and rule the kingdom, I'm not jobless." He answered.

"Huh?" Mark asked in obvious bewilderment, "Can you be serious for once, Hyuck?"

He heard a chuckle from the other side of the phone, "Sorry, what is it? Renjun had something to say? But I remember him asking me every-"

"Donghyuck," Mark cut him, "It's not Renjun., uh," he stopped for a moment and closed his eyes nervously, "Can we talk something?"

"Huh?" Mark was about to retort again but Donghyuck spoke again, quicker, "Yeah, sure, why not? I got flustered because it was sudden. You alright, Mark?"

Mark hummed, licking his lips, "Just a bad day I guess?"

"What happened?"

"I miss them, my parents and Canada."

Donghyuck was silent for a few seconds, and Mark sighed, tired, "Can you just talk about something? I don't wanna say anything right now. I just-" he closed his eyes and lay down, "I want to just hear your voice, just some voice against my ear."

Donghyuck stifled for a few moments searching for what to say and spoke briefly, "You know there is a boy in our class, Ryan. The campus jock and night frat boy," Mark nodded as the words seeped in, "he flirts with everybody in the class and outside and has had hookups with many people."

Both of them didn't know why they were talking about a random boy, but Mark didn't want to stop and Donghyuck didn't know what else to say, "Are you two close?" Mark asked in an almost sleepy state.

"Oh God, please don't ask me about it man. We are hella awkward, you know what happened once?"

"Hmm-mm?"

"Due to Satan's curse, we were project partners okay? And he was just so numb all the time, was he scared of me? I don't know but once, blame my itchy mouth, I asked him why slept with so many people." Mark widened his eyes as a laugh escaped his lips, "So he just stares at me, and says in a hoarse voice, 'it's because I'm scared to sleep alone' and just sits down."

Mark scoffed out and laughed uncontrollably with the most unexpected reply, "I hope this isn't true."

"Here comes the weirder part. Once, I casually walk onto him and say hi. He answered back, 'thank you' like what the freaking hell?" Mark broke into fits of laughter and the headache was long forgotten.

"The twist is that I said 'you are welcome' in return. We never talked to each other again. And I hope never." Mark didn't stop laughing and wondered why it was so funny but his voice made Donghyuck laugh too, and it resulted in him talking about more stories and Mark laughed more and the process continued. They declined the call with laughter echoing in their rooms and pain in their stomachs. But this was a kind of pain that Mark wanted, where he could laugh so much that his stomach ached, unlike the times he fasted so much that his digestion collapsed.

Later, he called his parents too. He didn't confess that he missed them because of the awkwardness and shyness but was satisfied with the talk they had. Occasionally, whenever they talked, his mother would ask about what he had been studying and claimed to have found his first story written as a child. Mark was pleased and hoped they were glad too.

Mark suggested he writes articles for their company too and discussed his ideas about opening a blog account and his father supported his ideas and claimed it to have a huge positive impact.

~~

(After seven days, he came to Taeyong's clinic with a formal shirt and a formal smile and said, "It's quite fine now, up until now. They are behaving normally."

Taeyong grinned, "I'm glad."

He continued excitedly, "You know? I actually gave everybody gifts too, on my birthday. I bought stuff for friends here, ordered clothes for Mom and Dad there."

"That's good to hear. I hope I get my payment soon too," he winked. Mark grinned, "Of course. But did you know? Everybody was so happy that I gave them, that made me excited too."

He still was.

"Make it a habit then. Do what you love, but of course, consider the bank account." Taeyong joked.

Mark nodded, laughing, "also did you know-")

~~

“How did it go?” Donghyuck asked when he came around for practice.

Mark shrugged and said a few things that he wanted to share. He felt nice around him, he felt nice when Donghyuck would show concern and care for him, ask him about his therapy and then go on to talk about his day too. It felt nice when Mark would get a hint that Donghyuck was into it as much as he was.

And something about Donghyuck that moment went strange. Mark stopped for a second and looked at him, hesitantly. “Hey, Donghyuck, do you feel good today?” he asked when Donghyuck's voice was off-scale.

Donghyuck nodded and Mark continued, just to stop almost immediately.

“Donghyuck…” he began. “It kinda feels off-scale,” he said. Donghyuck wouldn't feel bad or anything but Mark didn't want to sound rude. Before Donghyuck said something, Mark jumped to a conclusion, and retorted to himself, “I- I don't mean like your voice is bad or anything - it's just you know? You must be tired or something and-”

“Shh,” Donghyuck said, placing his finger on his lip. “Don't explain it to me. I understand. I appreciate you for correcting me and telling me what's been bothering you. We're good.” he smiled.

Mark smiled back and nodded. “I just- I thought-”

“Shhh,” Donghyuck said. “You are very cute and all but sometimes you need to relax. And you can always be relaxed around me.”

A reason which Donghyuck couldn't relax about. Mark was complex, he got it. Mark was a challenge to handle, to be around. There's always something that held him back, something that scared him.

“I sometimes just don't understand him…” Donghyuck told Jeno. “It's exhausting at other times. He thinks so much, he assumes so much… imagine how much he thinks about me? I should be in jail for the crimes I've done. If I thought so much about my studies, I would be the first rank in the University - oh screw that, I might be the next successful businessman.”

Jeno placed his hand on Donghyuck's shoulder. “You'll understand him one day.”

It was just a usual day at the playground and Donghyuck was going through some issues.

“Hey, Mark,” he mocked, internally.

He endured enough torture of watching a girl approach Mark and hand him the basketball for four days straight with the same voice which Donghyuck now concluded to be annoying. Donghyuck watched Mark reciprocate the same way he does every day. A gentle smile while he took the ball and mumbling a "thank you".

Donghyuck fake gagged internally while he walked towards Mark and put his hand over his shoulder, dragging him to the court before he gave her a look which of course went completely unnoticed by her while she walked away.

“Hmm, she seems into it,” he said, as he threw the ball in the basket.

“Into what?” Mark questioned while he walked forward for his turn.

“I don't know… I feel like she's trying to hit on you.”

Mark laughed. “Kay wow? You think so?”

“Yeah. Maybe you should, you know?” Donghyuck gulped the rest of the sentence for weird hand movements.

Mark raised his eyebrows, “Make a move? Is that what you're tryna say?” Donghyuck nodded. Mark threw the ball in the basket before he turned to him and shrugged. “Maybe,” he said.

Donghyuck internally panicked a little bit. “Wait, seriously?”

Mark laughed saying, “No, idiot. Besides, I have someone else in mind.”

Mark started to appreciate small things like getting the ball in the basket, almost saying checkmate when he played Chess with Taeyong and watching Donghyuck and his subtle but not so subtle panicked face when he mentioned somebody else.

Even later that night, Mark still thought about Donghyuck's face and just at the moment, his phone buzzed.

“I'm sad,” Donghyuck began.

“Wanna talk?”

“There's this mosquito who tried to bite me and I killed it. Think about it, Mark, mosquitoes are just trying to get food and what if I walked to my shelf and opened it to eat something but it slammed the door shut on me, how would I feel?!”

Mark facepalmed. “Why did you call me?”

“I don't know? Even spending too much time with you seems like too little.”

Smooth Donghyuck. Very smooth.

Donghyuck sighed. “I hate friendships. I felt betrayed, lost and cheated on. Like, why? Why me out of everybody?”

“What now?”

“Jeno stole my last pizza slice and left the house without even a single sorry? All these years we've been together just to see a day like this?”

“You are so hard to handle, Donghyuck.”

“You probably mean too hot to handle.”

“You wish.” Mark chuckled.

Mark spent the next hour walking around his room while talking with Donghyuck.

Donghyuck spent another hour on his roof looking at the stars, holding himself back before he told how much the night sky made him feel alone and he wished Mark was right next to him.

Both of them spent the next few hours tired yet still very energetic to talk about so many things with no connection. Things like their favourite drama, their favourite moments and critiquing it. Politics, weather, favourite movies, favourite food, how to prepare it until the sun rose.

Donghyuck jolted awake in the class when Mark nudged him. “Hey, we are in this together, remember?”

“Fine.” Donghyuck groaned.

“We are in this together, Mark.” Donghyuck nudged Mark this time in the music class. Mark nodded with a pout.

It was a rough day, they deduced.

“Donghyuck, that's precisely 8 hours! Are you not surprised or anything?!” Mark asked when both of them lay on Mark's bed after the day.

Donghyuck shrugged, resting his head on Mark's shoulder. “Kinda disappointed that it's not 10.”

“And I'm disappointed that I was scared of your laughter all night.” Renjun interrupted them.

“Renjun-ah, you are supposed to knock before you enter someone's room. It's called manners.” Donghyuck argued.

“And you're not supposed to talk loudly while others sleep. Even that's called manners. I was so sick of your brother's blabbering, ” Renjun retorted.

“Chenle has a habit of overstating things.”

Renjun gave up, holding his head. “Pardon me for thinking Mark will no longer have sleep problems. But now he has Donghyuck disease.”

“I'm too sexy for him to resist,” Donghyuck replied

Mark rolled his eyes at Donghyuck before saying “This outfit looks good on you, Renjun-ah. Going on a date with Jeno?” he asked to which Donghyuck nodded.

“I'm literally in my PJ's?!” Renjun said, confused and let out a sigh. “You both should sleep. I'm out.” Mark and Donghyuck burst into tiny giggles.

“You really wanna sleep?” Donghyuck asked.

“Hmm, not really.”

“Let's not miss a 10-hour mark this time, then.”

The season of heavy rains and disasters was back in Mark's head. Life was not an ordinary road and this time, the exam season that came with it was worse than he expected. Mark stayed up his whole night for that subject just to come home with a huge burden and dissatisfaction.

The defeat took over him, making him run back to the same cycle of punishments that his Uncle introduced him to. His uncle would never make him run out of ideas to cause harm to himself.

No, he wasn't going to cut himself rather starve himself and lock himself for the rest of the week until he was sure he covered the syllabus he missed.

Day one of excluding Donghyuck and not hanging out with him seemed like a very tough decision. Mark missed him and Donghyuck was too stubborn to let him go.

“Hey, exams are over… why don't you wanna hang out?” he would ask. “Are you purposely ignoring me or something?” he would text. He would come around to his house to talk only to leave in disappointment that Mark wouldn't open the door. “Fine. Have fun ignoring me. But at least tell me what you're up to? I miss you though…”

That one thing was enough for Mark to run back to him and tell him that he missed him so much too. But, he can't. He had to cover his syllabus.

Day 5 of ignoring him and ignoring his daily meals made him feel sick of himself. Thank heavens that Renjun was too busy to ask questions. Mark was feeling equally bad for turning Chenle and Jeno down when they would ask to play.

Day 7 came around and Mark was too tired to even turn a page. He expected to at least cover four-fifths of it but only that he wasn't even halfway through.

Just when he was about to move out of the room, he heard someone banging on the door.

“Okay. Lee Mark, come out.”

Donghyuck…

“No. Go away.” Mark yelled back.

Donghyuck scoffed. “I don't repeat the same joke over and you ask me to repeat the mistake of leaving you again?!” he questioned. “No.”

Mark whined. “Donghyuck-ah… you won't understand.”

“Enlighten me then. If you're not opening the door, then I'm calling Jeno and we're going to break the door together.”

Mark let out a sigh.

“What is this? I honestly don't understand. Are you grounding yourself?”

“Yes.” Mark let out, forcefully. As bad as it sounds, yeah, he is troubling himself.

There was silence from Donghyuck for a minute until he spoke again, “Mark, I want to talk. Open the door.” he said.

Mark gave up and opened the door to look at a Donghyuck whose face was filled with concern.

“Did you eat?” he asked.

Mark nodded. “Eggplant.”

“You hate that thing.”

“Exactly.”

Donghyuck exhaled. “This is bullshit.”

“So was my performance in the exam.”

“Mark, that doesn't mean you'll ground yourself like this. Okay, tell me one thing, have you covered your entire syllabus sitting in the room for the whole week?”

Mark looked away and remained silent.

“Exactly.”

“What do you want me to do then? It's bad, can't you see it?!” Mark fumed. It was just the other day he was feeling proud of himself, he was proud that he made Taeyong proud. He was proud of himself for understanding what Taeyong told him. But here he is at it again.

“For that matter, everything is bad. Exams are bad, studying to earn a piece of paper is bad, if I put it that way. But that doesn't mean you will stop yourself from enjoying what you love the most. Be it eating or studying. Are you having fun?”

Mark shook his head. “I'm used to all this… my uncle always gave me punishments like this.”

Donghyuck held his cheeks and made him look into his eyes. “Who cares? Your uncle raised you for a time that no longer exists. You are way too far away from it. You have grown old enough to explore yourself. Your uncle's outdated ideas and punishments don't work anymore. Moreover, if you want to stop yourself from doing something, make it limited and efficient. Stop eating sugar instead of getting rid of everything you like. Make bigger study goals and take frequent breaks.”

Mark nodded. “Thanks. I'll try your ideas out.”

Donghyuck nodded. “And don't ignore me like that ever again.” he smiled to which Mark nodded, guiltily. “Come with me. I have something to show you,” he said, dragging Mark out of the house.

The rush of adrenaline felt different riding a bike with Donghyuck. Both of them looked at each other with a smile feeling the same rush of emotions.

Living, that's what it felt like.

Hopeful, it's what made Mark feel.

Love, that's what both of them wanted to give each other.

“I'll show you one much better,” Donghyuck said as he dragged him down to the stream. They walked down the stream passing by many beautiful LED sculptures.

Mark's jaw dropped at the breathtaking view. He didn't even know the last time he had so much fun, where he didn't overthink things and let himself enjoy the moment. Donghyuck took him to the shop and whined to get cotton candy.

Mark enjoyed being with him that moment. He enjoyed sitting and making the wish lanterns with paper and internally enjoyed Donghyuck stealing glances at him. They lit those beautiful lanterns and sent them down the stream before they smiled at each other with satisfaction and fondness.

“I was wondering why you got me here… and-” Mark paused, looking away at their lanterns slowly fading into the distance.

“Well, I wouldn't want you to miss the lantern festival, would I?” Donghyuck said, keeping his gaze on Mark. “And I like spending time with you… Why? You don't like it?”

Mark looked back at him and shook his head. “No, I do… I was just curious.”

Donghyuck hummed and half-smiled. “Stay curious. And stay with me.”

Mark held back a smile before saying, “What's that supposed to mean?”

“Stay with me you'll understand,” Donghyuck replied and started walking. “Wanna try some street food?” he changed the subject. Mark got up to get in pace with him and nodded.

After walking around, they stopped and looked at the night sky glowing with lanterns. It felt unreal… majestic, as though both of them were starring an animated fantasy movie.

Mark forgot his past, his future and himself that second. It was just him and Donghyuck beside him while their shoulders touched, they shared the same unsaid emotion that was understood by the way they smiled at each other, by the way, they couldn't just stop looking at each other. Mark rested his head on Donghyuck's shoulder while the other wrapped his hand around his waist.

“I'm glad you chose this place today,” Mark confessed. “And thank you so much. Watching this with you makes this whole thing more special to me.”

“For me too,” Donghyuck replied.

Mark smiled as a new rush of emotion ran through his blood. He wanted to dwell around happiness for the rest of his life. He wanted to get things done without a demon. He wanted to defeat that demon forever. He wanted to love himself more and be able to love Donghyuck.

He can do it. He can love himself.

Right?

~~

Donghyuck spent a whole day breaking his head over subjects and assignments with deadlines on his neck and stress on his shoulders. He came home to hear, “No video games for a week,” from his mom. Donghyuck tried to defend himself saying he doesn't play all day or every day just to hear complaints from his brother.

“No, you always sit late at night and talk loudly with the volume up, hyung. It's annoying.” Chenle complained.

“You could've told me first, Chenle-ya,” Donghyuck argued back.

“I did. Many times, actually. But you never bothered to care.”

“Dad's gonna take the PlayStation.” his mom said.

Donghyuck looked back at her in disbelief. He tried to justify himself again with the same "I don't play every day" excuse which didn't seem to work again.

Chenle shook his head. “It bothers me, hyung,” he said, making Donghyuck glared at him. “Glaring at me won't do it. It's still very annoying, hyung.”

“It's your problem if you have a problem.”

“We share a room, you idiot!”

None of his arguments made Donghyuck feel like he should care about him. “It's hyung for you,” he fumed, as tried to reach his ear.

“Yeah, a stupid hyung who's being inconsiderate.”

“Donghyuck, put your hand down,” his mom ordered.

“Of course you'll support him. It's always my fault right?! He's never disrespectful.” he said, looking at her.

“You have been equally disrespectful to him, Donghyuck.” his mom said.

“Of course, I'm the bad guy. Because there's no need to listen to the other side of the story. You won't listen to this moron playing at night himself with the light on. I'm the one who's lectured for leaving the tap open even though it isn't me. And now I'm the one who's put into a tight position.” he raged with a slight hurt filling his heart. “Your favouritism is always showing,” he added.

Donghyuck knows that's not true. But he was too far away to listen to himself to admit his mistakes.

“That's not true, you're exaggerating, hyung,” Chenle interrupted.

His parents looked at each other. And her mom spoke in an apologetic tone.

“No, why are you apologising?!” Chenle said, cutting her. “You're out of your mind, hyung. I got scolded so many times. We got scolded together so many times. Don't use a victim card for something that never happened. You're behaving like shit, hyung.”

Chenle made sense again. Donghyuck was too angry to hear him. “Of course. Yeah, I'm behaving like shit for your mistakes. I'm gonna move out and you live in that room all by yourself.”

“Donghyuck.” his father quietly said.

“Happy family,” Donghyuck said, paying no attention to his father.

“Donghyuck…” his father said, again. The warning which Donghyuck should've taken.

“Yeah, Dad. I can hear you.”

“Are you going through puberty, again? Because - god I can't stand your idiotic face.” Chenle said.

“Don't worry I'm going to practice anyway. And soon I'll move out so you don't have to see my face ever again,” he said before he stormed out.

When he came to Mark's house for practice, Mark didn't notice Donghyuck’s heated face or Renjun repeatedly asking him if he was okay. Mark was just glad to see him. Maybe he shouldn't have been. Mark got more and more impatient and irritated with Donghyuck's frequent mistakes being off-scale and messing with the lyrics.

“Hey, you're messing this up,” he started calmly, while Donghyuck didn't take it in that way at all.

“Jesus hell, I'm trying…” he mumbled. Rage took over him, “I can't just be freaking perfect all the time, okay? It's not working with me,” he snapped, throwing the book in his hand.

Mark flinched. “You filthy insect!” his uncle's voice. It's what he heard when Donghyuck threw the book. The colour and smile on Mark's face were washed away immediately.

“How many times do I have to teach you?!” another voice. “Is there anything you're good at?” And immediately his head was filled with his Uncle. He was violently shaking, holding his ears to stop himself from hearing his voice.

Donghyuck felt like a billion arrows attacking him seeing Mark in that state. The realisation hit him like lightning. He moved towards him only for Mark to curl up into a ball to cover himself before he flinched again.

Donghyuck felt like a piece of crap for yelling like that. Renjun immediately walked to him while Mark ran to his room.

“Get your shit together, Lee Donghyuck.”

Renjun had said before Donghyuck left for his house. Just because he has issues that doesn't mean he would be mean to the people around him. His problems shouldn't make others feel inconsiderate. Others have thoughts and feelings. Moreover, these are the people he loved the most.

He went back home with shame while Chenle approached him to apologize.

“I'm sorry for not talking about this and making this a scene,” he began. That was enough for Donghyuck to break down. He apologized to everyone for behaving disrespectfully and assured them that he was more than glad to have them and they never made him feel any less than his brother. He told his father about his stress and his father answered him with a smile and gave him hope with a kiss on his forehead.

But Mark… what was he going to answer him? If it was a wound he could see, he could've applied a balm but how was he going to cure the wound he can't see?

Later that night, his phone buzzed with Mark's message saying he was sorry. Donghyuck knew he had to meet him that second. To avoid further enquiries, he informed his father and brother and didn't inform his mother before he sneaked out.

“Did your mom allow you here this late?” Renjun asked.

“I sneaked out, now move. I need to speak to him.”

Donghyuck could still feel his phone buzzing. Mark looked at him with surprise when he entered his room. “I was texting you…” he said. “I'm sorry I overreacted,” he added.

That was something Donghyuck was supposed to say.

“I just get… disturbed with loud noises-” he laughed. “It's fine. I'm fine.”

Donghyuck sat on the bed and held his hand. “I'm the one who's supposed to say sorry, Mark. I'm sorry, genuinely. I shouldn't have screamed at you.”

“How is this your fault? I just overreacted, it's okay to have bad days and yelling with stress happens.”

“No, Mark. It doesn't… just because I have a bad day, that doesn't mean I have the right to be rude. I'm not the only one who feels emotions, it's you too.”

“My uncle would've never said it,” Mark mumbled.

“I'm not your uncle, Mark… I care about how you feel, especially when I'm the one who scared you.”

“Can I never see you like that ever again?” he begged. Donghyuck wiped the tear from his face and nodded.

“I'm sorry… you'll never see me like that ever again. Trust me, please. I'm not your uncle, I promise.” Donghyuck replied. Donghyuck took him into his arms while Mark let the tears fall. Donghyuck's familiar scent made Mark relax. “Mark, it's never okay if something hurts you. And this is my fault. You have all the right to tell me how it makes you feel. Would it make sense if I yell at someone for spilling water while pouring it into a bottle? This isn't trivial.”

Something his uncle wouldn't understand. Mark reached for his phone. “You make me understand different things, you know?” He texted him. “I'm so pathetic for facing this myself…”

Donghyuck stayed by Mark's side the whole night, while Mark told him things through the text which opened a new way to understand him and his thoughts. Donghyuck's heart broke several times hearing Mark letting his feelings out, at the same time, he was thankful that Mark could trust him. Donghyuck made himself strong. He would be and he would want to be strong for him and support him.

He was too attached to him to let him go. He looked at his sleeping face while he shed a tear. Mark endured so much… he deserved nothing but love and happiness. And he was ready to give him all the love he needed. He placed a kiss on his forehead and he wrapped his arm around his waist holding him to protect from the demon Mark feared the most.

~~

Mark sat down pouting in front of the cabin and nodded when Taeyong asked him, "So they are coming." Taeyong sighed, "When?"

Mark showed his fingers, tiredly saying, "five days more."

"Okay, don't stress too much, you would be meeting your parents. That's nice right?"

"Uncle is also coming. I don't know what to do."

"It's okay, just try to be normal but don't let yourself be affected in any way. Don't let him get into your small talk, just be cool and composed and vocalize your issues immediately to your parents if you feel necessary. Also, don't miss the session like the previous one, next week is the last session."

Why did it have to be the last one?

Mark walked out of the room with mixed feelings and an understanding of how he shouldn't permit anybody to control his thoughts without his consent, he would immediately take an action if he felt somebody was trying to demean him, he would stand up for himself.

On Tuesday, Renjun left for China for his holiday trip. Mark hugged him goodbye and asked him to enjoy his valuable time with his family. He was excited for Chuseok too, he would be meeting his parents in a long time, but his anxiety doesn't let him relish his good thoughts. He didn't want to face the uncle he ran away from. It wasn't a surprise when James suggested he came to Korea too, just an instigation for Mark to feel even more worried.

It was just the day before, Mark sat in the canteen thinking about his numerous assignments due and ate his toast aggressively. Donghyuck held his wrist, "Eat slowly Mark, nobody's taking your food," Mark chuckled a little and nodded. As they finished the food, Mark waddled to his locker as Donghyuck followed him, they talked for a bit while Mark sat down, stooping his head for backing. Donghyuck took a moment to inspect Mark's face and gently touched his cheek with a nervous smile, "Mark, I have a question-"

"Hey, Mark, are you here? I have been searching for you," Jeno said. Donghyuck retorted and slapped his leg causing Jeno to hiss angrily, "Jeno, get away," Donghyuck said plainly, "Why-"

"We are talking about something important," Donghyuck said, signaling him subtly to leave them alone. He sounded hoarse but eyes were pleading Jeno. Jeno giggled, "okay" and Mark playfully scolded him, "Hey, you shouldn't have sent him away like that." Donghyuck shrugged, "Mark Lee, it's just Jeno, take it easy."

He whispered, "What would he think about us? And what do you want to talk about anyway? We literally talk all the time, Hyuckie." Donghyuck gave a teasing smile and said, "Let him make his assumptions, what's wrong?" Mark looked away smiling as Donghyuck came closer to ruffle his hair; Mark bit his lips, partly alarmed, "Hyuck, everybody is looking at us."

Donghyuck scoffed back laughing and settled his head on Mark's shoulder, he closed his eyes and asked, nervous, hesitant, "Hey, on a serious note, I want to ask something. It's been worrying me for a while."

"Yeah?''

Donghyuck reclined himself properly facing Mark, "You are serious about this right? That day- that day what you said, you mean it even now right?" You don't regret your feelings for me, right? That's what Mark took the meaning of his words. Mark smiled fondly, and kissed his hand, and muttered softly, "There is no place for this question to arise." Donghyuck got his answer and smiled brighter.

"Also, did you know, my parents and uncle are coming tomorrow?" Mark said. He ignored the fall of the face when he mentioned his uncle and continued his talk of when and where they would arrive. Donghyuck finished his talk by saying, "Don't spare him or anybody, okay? You don't have to act nice when he has been shit to you." Mark tried to explain him by saying that there was no stupid business except it was a formal family meeting after a long time but Donghyuck let out, partly pissed, "What could go wrong, you ask but anything can happen, just be careful of that manipulative scum," after a while, he shook his apologetically, "I have no right to call him like that but whatever." Mark thought how he could have had worse words for his uncle but didn't want to convince Donghyuck with the justification for the reason he didn't know of.

Hours and minutes passed like the days he was happy and the next morning he went to the hotel directly as his parents assured him to not take the difficulty for he might have to get up at the odd times. Mark insisted again but everybody said it was fine.

"Gear up, Mark Lee. Just do it," he said to his reflection in the mirror, and just like a teenager feels eloquent without a trace of acne on his face, he felt joy when he looked at his face which saw no injury in many months. The scars left were reserved to be kissed by himself or somebody else one day, when he could be on top of the universe. Donghyuck texted him, "Hey, don't forget me if you meet them hehe. Love you bye."

Mark replied with a heart emoticon and kept his phone inside. The sight of his parents, their excited fond smile at him captivated him and when he flew into his mother's arms, he felt so ecstatic and touched that he almost cried. He held onto her top while his father stroked his back gently and it was not late his father hugged him too.

He didn't want to look at James' face so he stayed away but when he came in his direction, his smile dropped but gave instructions to his mind to not display his lost fear in front of James. Neither was James deserving to get feared by, or Mark to be feared. He said an awkward "hello" to the man and walked away when he tried to talk further.

He noticed the fluster in James' eyes when he left him awkwardly that way but walked to his father, however, discussing the flight and his studies. He inquired about his Canadian friends but his father replied that he would know better because of social media. Mark chuckled. He implored of when they were leaving back and whined when they would depart back in just two days.

"Hey, we would have to attend your mother's cousin's daughter's wedding too, so," his father tried to convince.

"Ah, so you came here for the wedding, not for me then," Mark pouted, pointing to his mother, "You don't care about your son at all," he said sulking. "Kay, fine. We came here for both purposes. Also, visit your grandmother sometimes, it would be nice for both of you." Mark nodded.

After some time, Mark asked, "Why is uncle here though?" He was met with a shocking silence and when he looked at his uncle's face, he wanted to rip that hair off just to know what was happening in his brain. His parents looked at him with narrowed eyes, he was equally desperate and nervous for letting out words so rudely, in his subtle questioning tone, and made an attempt to correct his sentence, "I mean, for the wedding of course."

"Oh well, your parents were indeed invited but they asked a word about me too, so I just came along, and I wanted to see you too. It's been a long time since I have seen you, child," James said, smiling above his cruelty.

"Yeah, you are alone so, makes sense," Mark said, laughing playfully. Another attack on James' sensitivity. He was caught off guard and no words came out of his mouth, Mark was feeling a rush of emotions when he saw James' state to be akin to his past self. His mother tried to save the comment, "Also, our James is our family. He was equally delighted to meet you, Mark."

His mother was sweet but he didn't give in this time, she wanted to be good to everybody and ignorant to her son, despising her kindness to be nothing more than her carelessness towards her son. He smiled with a nervous chest high but didn't let his face reveal that he was weak, "A mistaken family, to be precise. Mom, Dad, and Son, that's what a family is, right uncle?"

Right, mom, dad, and child. That's what a family is, which James lacked. Or say, he lost it on his conditions and the circumstances were highly influenced and instigated by himself, his attitude, and actions. His cruel behavior and least sensitivity moved any person to hate themselves into oblivion and that woman who suffered more than Mark was so gullible, vulnerable and so close to Mark's heart. She was someone whom Mark didn't want to lose, who was empathetic and understood Mark when his mother couldn't. If James had done this to his wife, Mark was just his nephew.

But that wouldn't make forgiveness easier, does it? If anything, he wanted to scream out his concern and ask his parents to come out of his den of manipulation and lies, just like his aunt did. James lied more than Mark did. And it took so long for Mark to understand it.

The uncomfortable silence resided for longer than intended and Mark was surprised that James didn't react or maybe, he didn't have anything to say. Later, Mark covered up himself, "But blood doesn't mean anything anyway. The right family is the one which stays at your happy and sad times."

Renjun, Jeno, and Donghyuck. A friendship as precious as his family.

Everybody nodded to Mark's statement and ate their food. James joined the conversations and Mark didn't pay heed to the skeptical glances from his mother asking what happened to him but Mark just shook his head and pretended nothing ever happened. They talked for a while, and Mark gladly accepted his mother's food after a long time. For a moment he wanted to ask his mother to feed him but didn't make a note of his pity desires. So he didn't ask her but at the end of the day, his mother sat with him all the while making sure Mark completed the whole of his meal considering how he would escape from food when he was young. Not exactly what Mark wished for, but felt the same amount of love overflowing through her apples of the eyes, a meaningful representation.

Mark shared his stories with Renjun, Donghyuck, and Jeno and how he was glad he was to have them by his side. He tried to hint at his parents about his relationship with Donghyuck. They were surprised at the beginning but Mark was confident that they wouldn't mind him like a person of the same sex. About the person who was away from him on the other chair, Mark didn't bother to care.

His parents asked him if he could stay the night but Mark disagreed in his decency that it would be congested to adjust four people in the rooms they have rented. He hugged his father and his mother kissed his cheek as he packed his belongings. James opened his arms for Mark but he pretended to be in a hurry and left.

He was stepping out of the door but James pulled him in a tight hug, smiling. The familiar skin, the same perfume under his clothing, and the scent which was nothing Mark was fond of came back. Mark's chest was beating faster at the contact and immediately backed off in terror, the food in his stomach felt intoxicating and he wanted to puke in fear. Why did he have to fear so much?

Stand for yourself, Mark. Taeyong was right, he was right all the time. Mark breathes out heavily, smiling while concealing his chicken heartedness, and remembers the jitteriness and bitterness he felt as a child and a young adolescent. Mark doesn't want to be that anymore.

"You have changed a lot Mark," Mark wanted to stamp on the floor he was standing, angrily letting out his words of annoyance and dispute but settling with, "I realized, I should have. A long while before actually. That's what you wanted from me, for me to change and grow up. I grew up to be a person I want to be, a person who can stand up for himself when somebody tries to make him weep on the floor or cry in the rain."

The blank face was the result of his words. Mark shouted in the distance, "Bye mom and dad, see you both tomorrow." He left quickly puffing his cheeks out with the sharpest exhale that day as if it was so normal to disregard his uncle that way, not even referring to or considering his presence while he was speaking. He saw their faces like it was so normal, like he didn't care a bit about how shocked they were, like he was all fine inside, unaware of the people around him being dumbstruck because of him.

The next day, he came back again carrying the college fatigue on his back and settled himself on the couch, covering his eyes. He answered Donghyuck's texts and relaxed, laying down. His father and uncle were not back in their room yet, considering they had taken a long evening walk in the streets of Seoul while his mother came and slept beside him asking about his day. Mark talked to her sheepishly and their conversations shifted to Mark asking about her life in Canada and the subjects which were left behind.

After a while, he asked, "You are okay with me liking a guy right?" He was nervous he wouldn't lie but didn't want his parents to live in unknown oblivion for another period. He hid that he was going to study English Literature and that he had a boyfriend. But the bitter fact underlying justifies how he wanted to not keep his pain hidden within himself in the past but nobody believed him. The severity lies still there, and unforgivable painful stuff that happened to him doesn't let him trust his parents fully too.

He simply doesn't want to, his mind says. He wants to be mean and cry his suffering out and tell the world and James how much he had endured because of him, he wants to fight his uncle, for himself, for once he wants to fight.

His mother smiled, closing her eyes, "I am not against it or anything, I just think how much you have grown up to live on your own, in another country, without your parents, all alone. And then you bring a boy saying you like him- this feels nostalgic," she looked at him with her teasing eyes, "You don't need us, anymore. Do you?" They weren't present when he needed them, "Your mom, dad, and your uncle came to see you here after a long time." He never forced them to come. But he was forced by them to leave.

Mark was sick of it, sick of the emotional distress, and wanted to shout out how unconvincing they sounded. He got up, a bit pissed, "I'm sorry you took the trouble to come here." Yeah right, they came here for the wedding. His mother laughed unaware of the mixed feelings in her son's mind. Mark faced away and said in a low voice, "I didn't expect anything from uncle, but you both? Why are you acting as if you left everything just to see me?"

His mother was awestruck for a moment, "Hey, you okay? What happened?" Mark scoffed and said facing her, "Oh, so you even ask if I am okay? Enquiring about what happened? When did this start happening?"

"Mark, why are you speaking that way? Of course, we are concerned. And what's up with your behavior? Do you think I have not noticed your rudeness towards James yesterday? He came all the way, Mark, it's your minimum courtesy to welcome him with a whole heart." Mark quit his decency.

"You think you noticed?"

"Yes, I understand everything. I'm your mother-"

"Nothing," he cut her irritably, "Don't say you understand. You can't say that."

He wants to disclose and see the reasons why his mother or father couldn't see the signs he saw, he wondered how they could not notice the fright in his eyes when he was facing his uncle, the truth in the utterances about all the complaints against his uncle all this time. Why did no one ever believe him? Was his pain not serious enough? If it wasn't, why did he have to suffer from anxiety, the fear without the presence of his cause of pain?

He had so many questions, who could he ask? He hated that he had to rely on a (kind) stranger to share his concerns without the feeling of being judged.

He almost forgot he was with his mother until she pulled him closer, catching his shoulders, "Mark, tell me seriously. What's gotten to you?"

Mark gave in to her questioning eyes, he wanted to weep in her arms again, like the child he was. He said, "I don't like uncle. I don't like that he is here along with you both. I don't want to see him."

His mother touched his cheek, "Why are you saying these things? You know he loves you so much, right?"

Mark gritted his teeth, "he doesn't, if he did, he wouldn't hit me," he looked into her eyes, "Why are you pretending to not know the reason I kept crying in my room and skipped my meals? You didn't believe me he kept hitting me just because he convinced you so. You trusted that man more than your son."

His mother didn't say anything, he didn't know if it was because of her unawareness of the truth or the embarrassment of not helping her son when he needed it, it was right to say she would feel guilty for either of the reasons. It was a long pause, and Mark reckoned that she was shocked so he pulled his sleeves up to display a scar.

"This," Mark pointed on the side of his bone, "It's because of uncle, you don't trust me now?" Later he showed the knuckles of his left hand, "Even this," then his knee, "It was for more than 7 years now."

His mother gently eyed his injuries and hesitantly rubbed on it, Mark's voice quivered at the contact, he scratched the mark, "I tried a lot, it doesn't go." He wanted to cry. His mother cradled the sides of his face, and said, "Is it still painful?"

"Sometimes," and he was jerked into her arms. He said crying, "Do you still want me to go to him? I don't like him Mama, please don't tell me that uncle is just strict and wants the best for me- I don't- I don't care. I want to be with you, don't send me back to him." Mark wept onto her chest numerous times, as a kid, who begged for protection from his vicious and fierce uncle, "Don't leave me with him, I am scared, please," he pleaded with his voice.

His mother's eyes reddened and stroked his head, "I won't, I am sorry. I shouldn't have left my son with him." He kept his head on it's the place for a few minutes as she kissed his hair and Mark held onto her closer until-

"Mark, you completely misunderstood your uncle, even now as you grew up," his uncle barged into the room with a defensive voice, "Why are you so sensitive to understand that I worked so hard for you. Why couldn't you recognize my love behind my actions?"

Mark wiped his tears and stood beside her, he clenched his fist and asked his heart to calm down. He pressed his teeth together and let out, "You couldn't realize your ill actions. How do you expect me to recognize your so-called love? Moreover, it's not the recognition, it's the blindfold you have tied on my eyes to realize how toxic you were to me."

His father was there too, he didn't know what his parents were thinking about everything he had said, he didn't care, he didn't want to care even. "Toxic? Who filled your brain, Mark? You don't call people such big words just for scolding you," he chastised.

"You don't call people useless for slipping an item from a hand either. You have called me much more. Do you want me to remind them?"

"Well, Mark, I just said those things to keep you under discipline. I have taught you, raised you like my child, you couldn't digest the fact that I scold you?" Mark loathed the way he sounded so genuine and true, with his persuading voice which managed to manipulate both him and his parents. He hated the way he got to defend himself after doing the absolute worst to his nephew.

"You shouldn't have," he screamed out the highest that day. The whole room was subjected to silence. He was shaking, his hips were vibrating in the cold temperature and his heartbeat was audible to everybody in the room. This time, he was aware of what happened to him. He was trembling every time his uncle raised his voice at him, and the innocence became the reason for him not to speak out or even understand his condition. The loud noises tormented him every time, the fall of utensils or items by accident became the cause of his scolding and the anxiety in the long run.

"You shouldn't have, I didn't want you to. I don't want to be your child either, I can't imagine the bigger suffering I could have endured. And who are you anyway? You have no right to me, I'm not your son, I don't want your blood to run in my veins," he declared with wide eyes and pointing at his chest, "I'm my own person, I belong to myself. I don't want to live under your conditions."

"Don't act too much like a victim, Mark. I'm telling you, such a difficult child you have become. A spoiled one, keeping secrets from your parents, declaring about being a homosexual like it was nothing. Who encouraged you to do all this Mark? That guy is like you too?"

"Don't you dare speak anything on Donghyuck. You have- you have no permission to intrude in my life."

"Yeah, again the 'my life my rules' shit. You shouldn't have come here, your brain is getting contaminated."

"If anything, my life has gotten better after getting here, I could see many things I couldn't before. And you call me spoiled one right? So let me declare to you exciting news," he looked at his parents, and shouted, "I have begun therapy. Yes, that's right, Mark Lee is so messed up that he had to go to a psychiatrist to set his mind. And the cause? My anxiety and my uncle."

All of them didn't let out a word for a whole minute and Mark tried to calm down his temper, he wanted to scream even more and see how much he had been living in damage his parents didn't know of, how alone he was all the time.

He moved closer to his uncle and yelled, "So tell me, was I allowed to scream like this just because I'm in a bad mood or I'm angry? Why couldn't I excuse myself with the messed-up emotions I have?" He pulled his collar, "Why couldn't I come closer to you like this and scare you? I'm young and have it worse because of my hormones. You say that too, right? You talk about discipline, where's yours? You broke your promises of giving me food if I completed my work."

"Mark, stop- relax," his father tried to free his hand. He didn't want to, "You slapped me this way, right?"

"Don't act as if you are too innocent or good enough," and Mark lost it. He wanted to give in most of the time, he tried his best to control his temper but the fact that his uncle didn't care the least about the accusations and decided to throw his own accusations back. It happened all the time, he would complain and would be getting a hearing of what he lacked instead.

Mark took his pent up distress and raised his hand in the air-

His uncle laughed. Mark realised what he was doing and pulled his hand to himself, "You act too kind just to hit your uncle back, Mark. You are just like me, everybody has to be. That's how the mechanism works. You are just too stupid to understand my intentions."

"Shut up James," his father shouted, "how can you say that to Mark? I understand he was going to make a mistake but that doesn't allow anything of this. Just accept the fact that you ill treated our son."

Mark spoke in a soft voice, "Not just your son, Dad. This man showed no mercy to anybody, not even his wife, his own unborn child," he ignored the confused looks on his parents' faces and looked into James' eyes, "I can't be like you, nobody ever can. Nobody can be as cruel as you. If I was like you, I wouldn't stop myself from hitting you. I'm not a bad person, understand that."

After a while, he started again, "You aren't even ashamed of what you did, how insensitive could that be?" He choked out, "You killed my cousin in the womb itself," he cried.

"What are you saying, Mark?" His mother came to his side.

Mark raised his hand and showed to James which was something only understandable to James, "I remember everything, the voices from your room of my aunt crying. I remembered how you shut my mouth asking to keep it a secret," he broke down, "She was pregnant- how- how could you do that to your own wife? How could you torture your wife when she was bringing the most precious life on this earth?"

"I don't understand," his mother asked, already nervous.

"You all don't know about it, but as a five-year-old witnessed the cruelest sight of a man hitting his wife," he shouted wiping his tears, "Ever thought what the actual reason for his divorce was? It was him. She was sick of her husband. It wasn't a miscarriage, it was a murder. You are the killer of an infant, remember that. Poor woman, she was, who left us because of him. I remember that, I still remember how terrified I was. But it still makes me relieved that she didn't have to keep up with you anymore, the unborn baby didn't deserve your anguish, nobody deserves that," he declares with intent eyes, "I'm so happy that you don't have a family to trouble, but you don't deserve to have it, it's the payback to what you have done."

James was awestruck for a moment and words didn't leave his mouth out of shock, Mark didn't know what was going on but wished he felt so guilty for his past sins and hopes he regrets it all his life. His heart doesn't want to be kind to his uncle anymore, he wants to be kind to his aunt who understood his pain once upon a time.

He asked in a low voice, "Felt bad, didn't you? Just imagine how I would have felt when you said I should have considered death instead of being with my parents?" He came closer and pinpointed his chest, "This is what pain feels like."

He walked away and his father asked, "where are you going?"

"To somebody who believes me when I talk about my suffering." Mark didn't look back this time.

He ran away from James and this time, to somewhere he wanted to go. He knew what he was going to do, unlike the times he dived into the pool without learning the depth and the waters that could drown him.

He took the bus to his dorm and cried all the way, calling Donghyuck. Donghyuck didn't pick up his call but he saw his text asking him where he was. Mark replied that he was heading to his apartment. As he reached the room, he angrily opened the door and saw Donghyuck almost dozing off on his sofa. When he caught the sight of Mark coming inside, he got up.

"Hey, what took you so long man? I thought to surprise you but you were so long that I became sleepy."

Mark pressed his lips at the innocence in his voice, and his eyes sweat. Donghyuck came to him concerned, "Hey, what happened? Mark, you okay?" He asked in a soft voice touching his face.

Mark barged into his arms, whimpering and holding onto Donghyuck's body tightly from all the stress pouring onto him, he doesn't regret the little bit of what he has done. He was so ecstatic of expressing his pain explicitly without fear but the recollection of bad memories made him sad.

"Mark, stop crying," but let him cry on his chest, he didn't muffle his sounds this time, he wasn't not scared of Donghyuck to demean or distinguish or correct his feelings or emotions.

"I- I did it, hyuck. I didn't hold back this time, I let out everything. I reminded my uncle that he is a bad person and that he was so wrong for hitting me," he looked at Donghyuck with desperate eyes, "I did it, it's something I should have done long ago, but now I did it. And now I don't care what he says. I don't need him, hyuck."

Donghyuck looked at him with pity yet smiled sadly, "Yes, you did it. I'm so proud of you, Mark."

"He isn't in my life."

"Yes, he doesn't own you."

"I'm so happy," he says while crying again and Donghyuck rubs his back while saying, "You don't need him, Mark. I'm here to love you. I will always love you more than him, and everybody loves you more, because you deserve it."

Mark shuts his eyes while crying out of exasperation and overjoy and buries his face into Donghyuck's neck and presses a wet kiss into his skin. Donghyuck pulls his face closer while holding its sides and jolts his lips to Mark's face damped with tears. Mark couldn't find the condition in Donghyuck's liking, so pure, moral which didn't comprise the reasons that he was good enough or not. He needn't be disciplined for getting somebody's affection, just a valid exchange of love with love. He doesn't need to fulfill anything to be able to be with Donghyuck.

~~

There was a comfortable silence in the room, Taeyong hadn't spoken anything and suddenly the clock hit noon, Mark bit his lips as he sniffed quietly. He told Taeyong about the happenings of that day about how he lashed out at his parents and his uncle and expressed how he felt as if he let the hot air out of the balloon of his suffering. He didn't feel regretful, but pitiful about the fact that he couldn't explain his parents properly in a sound way, without hurting them.

He still didn't want to hurt his uncle, attacking the sensitive parts of his life, when nobody spoke of it. He didn't want his uncle to go through the same amount of suffering, just an apology would do, but sadly, he didn't offer that either. He didn't want to remember his face while he left for the flight that day, after he had told his parents that he didn't want to keep any sort of contact or communication with him, thereafter.

His parents were sorry, for the things they had no control over, and he didn't want to blame them completely for the same reason, and they did an undaunted favor on him by respecting his feelings and allowed him to get on with his life. They took him to their chest, and hugged him tightly, trying to welcome him and compensate for all the times they had paid no heed to him.

"Was I wrong that day?" Mark asked Taeyong.

"Do you regret it?"

"No."

"Then you aren't. You just disclosed your pent-up feelings to the people who deserved to hear it the most. Your childhood consisted of you filing an FIR to your parents about your uncle, and them trying to be his lawyer defending him. It's good that you let it out, although it could have been done in a better way, be proud of yourself." He smiled. Mark yearned for someone to understand him and give him the words he wanted to hear, the way he consoled him but also trying to bring out the best inside him.

He realized where uncle went wrong. Mark gulped and asked, "So, this is the last session, right? Did I pass?"

Taeyong shook his head, "Is it an exam for me to judge or evaluate your mental health? Or a competition or race to consider how quickly you heal?"

Mark smiled tightly, "I wish everybody in this world was like you."

"That's a nice compliment, thank you."

"Why does this have to be the last time?" He asked, pressing his lips, "I'm so messed up I might need this again."

"Well, Mark Lee, I would feel very proud if you don't ever need support again, but I'm always ready to help you whenever. Just don't think you are crazy because you are going to therapy."

"Yeah, I know that much now," Mark laughed, "I have learned a lot from you, so thank you so much for everything, I wish I could give you a gift or something."

Taeyong laughed, "That's sweet of you, Mark," he hummed shyly, "Can I ask something from my side though? Not you buying me something, it's a gift in kind."

"What?"

"When you become an author, mention your healing experience in your preface, no need to specify my name, just say you went to a therapist, that's enough."

Mark answered, "That's thoughtful, but I am up for it, but I am surprised about the fact that you said 'when' instead of 'if'. You have too much unrealistic overconfidence in your clients."

"I am confident in your passion Mark and I would fail as a doctor if you gave it up, I'm sure you can fight once more," Taeyong mumbled, rubbing his hands. Mark nodded, he didn't want to leave this ambiance.

He said, "Donghyuck, he knows you, he talks about you a lot." Taeyong recollected and said, "Ah, the kids. It was only once I went to Mr. Lee's residence but the brothers proved to be a menace, all the best for dealing with Donghyuck, seriously. He doesn't shut up." That's his charming point, Mark thought and smiled, "I'm lucky to have him."

"It's the other way around, nobody could handle his craziness," Taeyong joked, but Mark knew it was a sweet attempt to make Mark feel validated after a long run of self-hate he had to go through.

"I hope your sister and your nephew are doing fine."

"Yeah they are, my nephew talks a bit, but just the gibberish, you know," Mark laughed. It was ironic, Mark thought, how Taeyong was in the same place as James, who ill treated the people of his age when he was young and still grew up to become a kind person and an affectionate uncle, but James on the other hand, let his nature deceive many people, and let the morality crash into smithereens by throwing Mark (who is his nephew too) into a dangerous oblivion, and again, he came out of it only because of Taeyong.

After a while, he got up and Taeyong got up along with him. Taeyong kept his hand forward for a handshake and Mark interlocked his fingers with Taeyong's longer ones. As he was about to leave, Mark moved hesitantly to his side and hugged him. Taeyong looked forward and stroked his head while patting his back.

Mark retorted and said, "Thank you for making me believe that I could be loved for being myself," and thank Donghyuck for proving Taeyong correct.

"Have a great life, Mark," Taeyong waved at him.

~~

Stormy nights weren't something Mark preferred, but as the gentle cold breeze filled his room, he smiled and yawned, closing the book he was reading. He looked over to Donghyuck who was focused on his phone and moved near him, burying his face on the back of his neck. Donghyuck moved into a comfortable position, putting his phone aside as Mark rested his head on Donghyuck's shoulder.

“Having fun with the book?” Donghyuck asked.

Mark closed his eyes. “Yeah, it's fine,” he said after he smiled and nodded. “The characters are cute enough for me to imagine us in the story. They are very happy.”

“Are you?”

Mark nodded again.

Donghyuck wrapped his hands around his waist and played with his hair. “So, you're saying we are cute?”

Mark chuckled softly. “Don't you think so?” he mumbled, sheepishly.

Donghyuck hummed. “Well, we are simple, and I'm fine with that.”

“But, I'm sure I might be too complex for you to deal with, Donghyuck,” Mark muttered in a weak voice.

“Hey, look at me,” Donghyuck said, shifting his position and gently caressing Mark's face.

Mark opened his eyes to see Donghyuck whose face always glowed even in his deepest nightmares, making Mark hide behind him to protect him from the demons and witches.

“I'm happy to be with you. And, you do remember taking time to sort things out before we planned to take things forward, right?”

Mark nodded.

“Do you trust yourself?”

“I do. And I trust you too.”

Donghyuck smiled softly. “Then we'll work through all the ups and downs,” he said, pulling Mark back into his arms, hugging him tightly.

Mark closed his eyes again. “Donghyuck…”

“Hmm?”

“This feels very nice. I feel nice.”

Donghyuck smiled, interlocking his hands with the other. “Really?” he asked.

Mark hummed. “About everything… myself, my body, being friends with Renjun and Jeno, enjoying Chenle's company. And you. It's crazy how you make me feel…” he giggled. “I never thought it would be so nice to be in love. You make me want to love myself more. You make me feel excited. You make me feel good about myself,” he looked back at Donghyuck whose eyes immediately met his. “I never want to let you go.”

Donghyuck's breath hitched. Mark wasn't the only one to feel things… he felt it, maybe a hundred times stronger. And maybe something he would never be able to express in words. He placed his hand on Mark's cheek when Mark lowered his eyes and moved towards his face to leave a kiss on his forehead and his cheek.

Mark embraced the feeling of being in love, his heart doing a thing and being happy. Donghyuck giggled shyly and turned to the other side while Mark back hugged him.

“Cute,” Donghyuck mumbled loud enough for Mark to hear.

Donghyuck felt nice too. He was never getting used to being this close to Mark, falling in love over and over again, giving him cute kisses, watching him be happy -

His thoughts were interrupted by Mark tracing an ‘I’, a heart and ‘U’ on his back.

- and saying I love you to him.

He looked back at him, registering his beautiful doe eyes shining in the dim-lit room and falling for him another time. “I love you too,” he said.

And Mark smiled back. He was ready for this moment. He was slowly letting his past go, moving on from his uncle James and also getting into talking terms with his parents, slowly. Taeyong, the man he will forever be thankful of and will be forever in touch with, at least to defeat him in the game of Chess.

He was ready to start things with Donghyuck. He was a partner in his odyssey whose destination was a beautiful happy ending and Mark couldn't wait to experience it with him.

~~

Seasons passed from summer to spring to fall; winter never being the same. The snow-kissed his skin like always, the jacket hugged his chest like always to protect him from the cold and obscurity; but his eyes met the warm smile of Donghyuck, making him realize that he had been searching for it all this time. Mark smiled back at him every time as he remembered that the bridge in Vancouver he wanted to fall through, the cracky bench which irritated his ears didn't wait for his presence anymore.

Perhaps the reason for him to get out in the rain lied baseless or nothing more than an equivocation, but he certainly didn't mind the stupidity for once, to revisit and relish the wistful memory of him damping himself with the tears of the cloud; in fact, it was a way to relinquish the saltiness of the recollection, to abandon the pain he went through. It was a jiggle of the moment, Jeno was taken aback for a second at Mark's childish request but he was never to disagree. Ah, What a kind fellow, Donghyuck teased. But Mark was relieved of the tension that didn't arise. Renjun was mystified but his smile proved to be otherwise, an ancient familiarity of the rimmed lips, Mark reckoned.

It was nothing but rejoicing yet so relaxing to just feel the drops of the drizzle stroke his chin, it was comforting but still less warm than Donghyuck's fingers when he cradled his face to kiss him. However, Mark took what he had been given, and didn't look at anybody else but his friends dancing and laughing merrily, while Renjun tiptoed his way escaping the attacks of Donghyuck behind him and the way Jeno would yell at them while calling them so immature and complain to Mark about them.

Donghyuck would pull everybody closer for a picture and then hug the other three closer, placing an unapologetic wet smooch to Mark's cheek to his right, repeating the same action to Jeno towards his left. When he would aim at Renjun's nose opposite to him, he would smile satirically, showing him a fist. The crew chuckles but Mark laughs like he was the main character of his story, who had finally come to a happy ending fighting the villains within himself and the others and tightened his belt to fight them like a noble knight until the end of his life. And Mark had promised to many, he would die only when nature decided to kill him.

Mark thought how he had never thanked his friends enough, for being there with him when he felt alone, for holding onto him when he tried to push them away because of his weakness. But the regret didn't deter the happiness he felt along with them.

Just then, the latter-day Mark told Donghyuck in decent secrecy, chuckling at his weird antics of blowing the inhaler into one of his nostrils, "You look sexy if your hair is wet." Donghyuck halted, in a higher pitch, whining directly on Mark's throat, "My cold isn't sexy Canada, I hate you." As Donghyuck sneezes hastily, Mark chuckles harder and thinks how light-hearted Donghyuck's tone was calling him by the place he didn't want to go back, yet sending glitters of joy and remembering how his words made so much sense.

"This is a nightmare Mark, all you have to do is wake up for it to end."

Mark felt like he woke up finally when he saw his smile so beautiful, so real in the picture Renjun had painted the other day. The shyness on his face hasn't disappeared yet, but he is sure that living with Donghyuck would replace that with shamelessness, in kinder words, carefreeness.

The past relationship with rain hasn't been delightful for Mark. Maybe it was the lightning that caught him trembling or the cold weather that shivered him, Mark didn't know. But the lightning was the precursor to the rain that awaited and the cold was just the reason for him to yearn for warmth. Maybe it was the presence of darkness that tormented him, but he wanted to search for the light. He endured the storm, and smiled with the curve of the rainbow in the sunrise expressing the different colors of his heartfelt emotions.

~~