Archive of Our Own

The template remained with its sheets flying while being carried away by the cold air, like a passing thing, in the course of mundane dawn, Renjun wishing like it was meaningless, but the beads of his tears that damped his cheeks proved to be otherwise, the reminiscence bringing nothing but misery to his unwelcomed soul.

It was difficult to process the revelation, to see his grandmother's lifeless veneer, in the stance of her being asleep like she normally was, when he was a child who listened to the mythical tales of the emperors; emperors who fought and won over kingdoms, emperors who guarded their people like a kangaroo mother protecting her child by keeping close to her body, emperors who lived forever with their courage and legacy passing through even after centuries have passed after their physical senility, emperors who lived, and lastly, emperors who told a story.

His grandmother asked him to be brave like those emperors she used to tell stories about, and then Renjun is sadder because he had disappointed her twice. The papers were the symbol of all the things he missed, moving away from the proximity of his reach, and now, he had no energy to run and pick up what went down to the floor, which lay baseless, undone, and untouched.

Two afternoons since his grandmother's demise, he was guilty of wanting to get out of his house, whose family refused to wipe his tears when they were shed. Renjun had no right to complain because neither did he comfort his mother when she cried her heart out. It was nothing but an equal amount of carelessness from both sides. The relentless chatter from the drift of his room echoed in his ears, distracting his senses out of the familiar melancholy that surrounded him.

He came out to his sister just eight months before in the most unexpected way possible. It was just one of their usual playful fights when his elder sister threw tantrums on him for throwing his clothes on her bed for creating a mountain of mess which would have been burdensome to clean up.

"No girl would like you if you love to live in filth like this," She hissed.

"I don't care, I don't like them too," Renjun answered back defensively while it was nothing but the truth, but maybe the depth of the situation wasn't enough to confer validity and genuineness in his tone.

"Oh so then you like boys?" She asked in return, obviously not expecting a concrete answer when she was just in a mere intention of fooling around and provoking a person, but Renjun was as helpless as he seemed, too open with his eyes when his mouth said the contrary; he hoped she could recognize him like she always did, like when she brought a slice of pizza for when he had to skip the lunch because of being late to the dining table or letting him escape during the oddly hours of the night or when she compensated for the money he lost during a fair.

"Yes," he said loudly, but careful, and calculative, and he might have probably passed out from the atmosphere if it hadn't been his sister who heard him around. She was stern, "You are serious."

"Very."

And mayhaps he never wanted to talk to her again, because all she did was stare at him blankly, throwing all the relevant facts that he wasn't allowed to like boys, not because she thought so but because their parents and the society thought so. Only after several awkward arguments between them, Renjun walks away, but not without muttering in an apologetic monotone, "I know, I'm not supposed to, but it's not something I can't control."

Renjun wishes it was easy.

××

Except it wasn't. Not when his realization of being a homosexual never came out of the blue, not like in the current teen movies where the character ostensibly falls in love with a person when the firecrackers burst in the sky while the stars danced to the glory of the irrefutable feeling of giving oneself to their dear one while they dreamt of flying on a magic carpet ride, going places to where they have never been before, infolding new adventures within the pandora box of life, not taking a toll to return.

Renjun had never experienced this before. His experience was far from the delight he had witnessed second-hand. When it applied to himself, he could present it with the charts of misery drawn with the doubtful questions he had painted in his psyche, where the color of the fear filled the document. The pressure that he had to hold on to his testaments and the traditions of the orthodox family crushed his inner strength to fight back even when his friend, Donghyuck recently declared his sexuality openly to their other friend, Lee Jeno about him being a pansexual.

They were supportive and showered him with reassurances even if Donghyuck didn't seem to be hesitant or apprehensive of his choices, because "that's what friends are for" Jeno had said with the brightest smile. Jeno is beautiful, caring and sincere, and most importantly honest in the politest way possible. While Donghyuck was brutally honest and politely humorous, Jeno was politely honest and selectively funny- Donghyuck says because according to him, Renjun is probably the only person who laughs at Jeno's jokes (let alone Jeno doesn't agree on it himself), even though Renjun would disagree saying that he was creative and sometimes better than Donghyuck. Donghyuck would only gasp, and excuse Renjun's comparison for the fact that he says these because he probably likes Jeno.

When Donghyuck said those words, Renjun was spellbound and didn't expect him to be the most insightful of all the people he had met, and inferred that he had dismissed Donghyuck's personality trait of how observant he is. Renjun felt like the world stood against him raising questions and he was barely balancing himself on the thin bridge above the vicious fire.

"Hyuck-you," Renjun breathes, "-hyuck, you can't"

"Of Course, I won't tell him, I'm not the one to talk anyway," He smiled, pitifully and it felt like disparaging the loss of breath Renjun just went through.

"There will be no talking or thinking. You let it out of your head too," Renjun said, blankly.

"But, why? What's wrong with Jeno? Why can't you tell him?"

Nothing and everything. Renjun was too tired to explain, nor was he in a position where he could. So he resorted to the easy, "My family just lost a person, I can't- I can't think about this, not now," never, he doesn't say.

With an alarmed voice, Donghyuck retaliated, "Yeah, I'm sorry, you are- right. I won't push you, sorry."

"Thanks."

××

But Jeno was too nice for his good (and Renjun's too) where he puts himself in trouble in the course of helping others, too kind to be deceived for, but Renjun never felt betrayed of his benevolence, how his smile assured him of the issues which he didn't even share with. He was just awesome like that, so easy to love but very difficult to live with. It was another day of Jeno offering him a ride to his art therapy session since Renjun felt a bit tired to take public transport, but when a kid got hurt on her way to cross the road because of being hit by a two-wheeler driver, Jeno crouched down to the girl, inspecting the wounds on her forehead from where the blood came down to her neck, so much that she was losing her consciousness. Renjun wanted to slap off the driver that left her but all he did was help Jeno carry her to the hospital while Renjun sat in the front seat driving to the path.

They reached the hospital just before she closed her eyes and the doctors probably thanked God for sending the girl on time before too much blood was lost.

"How's she?" Renjun asked Jeno.

"Lost a lot of blood, she had a phone luckily and her family would be here anytime soon."

"That's good."

"Yeah. You aren't hurt or anything, right?"

"I'm alright. You have a bruise on your cheek, you might wanna apply an antiseptic," Renjun volunteered, catching his jaw and moving his head in directions to see if he was hurt anywhere else.

"Yeah, I guess. But it doesn't pain, to be honest. And we can leave too, you could get late."

Jeno was quick to raise his head towards the helmet but Renjun caught his wrist, lightly asking him to sit by his side.

"Just a minute," he said, and went to a nurse asking him to lend a kit. He followed and came back with an ointment and a bandaid, and gently applied them to Jeno's face. He was glad Jeno didn't complain.

"It's okay if I got late for once, can't let my friend be in agony, right? Because that's what friends are for," Renjun said, smiling, the last part in the same way Jeno emphasizes all the time.

Jeno laughs, moon-eyed, suctioning all the warmth and beauty of a crescent one, between all the stormy clouds and beneath the layers of numerous heartbreaks, and replies with a louder tone, "Take care of me more, then, if that's the way you are close to me."

He says it like it was nothing, like a friend teasing another friend, but he scoffs at a false bashfulness in a way it's supposed to be nothing. However, in the locked up compartments of his brain, he was aware of the intangible twisty thoughts which he supposedly shouldn't be feeling towards his friend. He didn't know what to do so he did exactly what felt appropriate.

Jeno looked at the smiling face of Renjun and said, "When you smile, it's like you want to tell a story that you can't."

Renjun had never been the same ever since.

××

Renjun could swear to all the gods in the heavens and all the ill dead in the hell that he wasn't brave, he wasn't like Donghyuck who has a confident smile plastered to his lips and is set on to fight everything that came his way, nor like the emperors, he heard from his grandmother who fought the warriors to protect their motherland, he wasn't brave to ask Jeno what he meant by that statement and wanted to know how much more transparent he was becoming to the world, putting his heart on his sleeve and feared the moment when all of his emotions came out to a discussion he doesn't want to be a part of.

Yet he couldn't help but gravitate towards the friend cycle of his, who always fed his fantasies and encouraged his artworks and Jeno came closer and closer to his presence while Donghyuck side-eyed him all the time. It was easy because Donghyuck didn't push when Renjun would smack his head and ask him to shut the fuck up and stop staring at him like that. But Donghyuck reminds him that all of his actions were genuine and wanted to do the most in the best way possible.

The worst part of it is that Donghyuck knows.

When the three of them sat down for lunch break, Donghyuck started complaining about his infamous naughty brother of how he got away with all the mess he created because of being his mother's favorite young boy and labeled himself as the abandoned elder sibling. Jeno would tease him further explaining that it was because Donghyuck had always been a problem child, who liked to experiment with random things and cause problems on purpose while Chenle was just being a cute kid who didn't like fighting with anybody.

"Lee Jeno, you know what else here is prettier than my face?" Donghyuck asked with a tight smile, tight enough to hold back a first which was about to punch his face.

"The ugly stray dog outside of our university gate," Jeno jokes.

"No, it's the knife which I am gonna place at your neck," he said threateningly and Renjun fake shivered, saying, "oh shit, God, hyuck is so scary, jeno help me." All of them laugh except for Donghyuck.

"Yeah okay, you can laugh, I'll let it slide this time."

"Shut the fuck up, Donghyuck," Jeno hissed, grinning. He gave up.

"It's okay, at least you both could pair up some way, even if it's against me," Donghyuck said overdramatically, and Renjun could muffle a yelp of surprise and cover it with a smile.

××

Donghyuck never brought up the topic of him talking to Jeno, not after he knew how sensitive Renjun could get, just at the mention of his household. He was certain that his friends knew how Renjun had attachment issues with his family, with the bare minimum communication between them. It all started when Renjun troubled his mind over convincing his parents for art therapy, it was so dear to him and he wanted to take it even by making the skies and grounds on equal levels.

"Why are you so worked up? Don't you think they will allow you? And oh God, if my kid asked me this I would quit my job and support him all day and night. This is for real, some good shit dude. And you have talent like heck." Donghyuck convinced him.

"Thanks now I am flattered but not relieved, you don't know about my parents," Renjun retorted, he knew he was being rude and also knew that his friends practically know the hook and crook of his family after all the awkward venting sessions they had together, although no amount of information would prepare Donghyuck and Jeno to accept that Renjun, isn't indeed comfortable with them, nor has the freedom of privacy to live on his own.

It was just very bad, considering how Renjun thought that his father probably spoke more in the seminars he attends than the amount of time he puts for his children. It had been like that since his childhood, his father would look at Renjun's face and eyes and understand what it tells (also the only way they communicated with each other) but what he didn't know was that Renjun started pretending as he grew older. Faking the happiness and excitement in the family functions, or from the articles he got or the treatment he got. But in the end, somehow, by making false promises and attestations, he had convinced them of the art therapy and Renjun has got one of the few reasons he has to bow down to his parents for.

It only got worse when he became fourteen after he had to leave his hometown, China. He had to abandon a sweet friend on his way back there, without a proper course of discussion or information that he had to. Dejun was a friend since his childhood, who played along, and then suddenly, Renjun left him without any explanation.

It was stupid of him, and is guilty of that to this date, but also equally helpless blaming it on the impulsiveness of a lost teenager who had no comprehension of all the things that happened so quickly for him to process and deliver it to somebody. Two years later, he had found Dejun's Twitter account and texted him to wish him a birthday only to get blocked the next second.

Renjun knew that his anger was justified, and thought that even he would react the same way if he was ever in his place, but of course, that doesn't diminish the pain because he suffered from the separation of his best friend as much as Dejun did. He wanted to cry and complain to the moon at night, that the world was so unfair and cold just to him and wishing everybody put their legs into his shoes or their eyes behind his lens, he wanted to let the people know about the depths of the water that drowned him, and it was only possible when they sunk into the same waters, just alongside him.

Just then later, he found a person equally empathetic as him, embracing all the impalpable entities of the universe and reflecting them in the form of beautiful words. Mark Lee, his name was. It was first when he noticed Renjun's drawing of a wallflower and with their common interest in anime characters and Renjun's sketches and fan arts, they grew close to talking to each other almost every other day. Renjun liked the way Mark was, kind and polite, and always rooting for the arts Renjun did.

Their friendship got deeper when they communicated more about their personal lives from countries that distanced apart, and it seemed way too familiar because Mark had problems with his family, but not in the way Renjun did. The comfortable familiarity and the venting of their pent-up feelings brought out an immense amount of a feeling of home which could eradicate the feeling of homesickness.

××

Renjun's throat stiffens, and the brushes' stiffness brings out the panicky fingers, jittering, and struggling; it happened a few times when he used to strive and struggle so hard for a painting, with all the ideas flowing over his head, not even touching the exciting parts to the brain.

The art instructor once held him when Renjun wasn't succeeding in drawing portraits and despite the excuses that it was something way out of the league, a difficult thing to do. The sheet was filled with messy circles and straight stick figures instead of real humans. The landscape, the sky, and the moon or plants were even quite easy to do, faces were difficult. However, he had the gratitude to thank the heavens for giving him a kind teacher, who treated him with patience and asked him to try out exploring the people around him to articulate the emotions in a proper way which were way beyond metaphoric or imagery.

"To draw a person or thing, you must be able to feel the emotion of the picture within, love it the way nobody else would. Of course, the joy of an artist when somebody appreciates their work is irreplaceable, but it is important to note that as much as the validation from others could boost your confidence, self-appreciation is primary because it is devoid of any sort of obligations or dishonesty. The day when you become honest with yourself and yet manage to set up the standard of your esteem, you become a great artist." He had explained to Renjun.

Renjun would surely take time to achieve it but a negative part of the brain pulls him into the dark shadow of the truth that it could never be possible. However, to pay respect to his instructor, he would throw multiple efforts to at least get a hang of it, let alone not becoming like the great artist he mentioned.

This incident proved to be momentum for his marathon thereafter, he started drawing more often and posting more too, and the friend he made on social media became closer to him as they talked more, sharing their daily life experiences. It felt like the dangerous coincidences of the universe because Mark, who came from a nuclear family from Canada, had a ton of issues with his parents. The final year of high school tension would only be so much to handle and process when numerous exams came on their way. Mark struggled with economics a lot, he would complain when they talked and almost had nervous breakdowns before his tests. Renjun could only calm him down through a call or text and recommend him some breathing exercises but his anxiety was beyond severe, more than Renjun's.

Twice or thrice, he just said in between the lines of their talk that he could probably move out to a place where he could be away from his parents and troublesome uncle, and Mark would nod and mutter out a hesitant "I will think about it" but making sure Renjun didn't miss out the temptation in his voice.

Meanwhile, Jeno and Donghyuck unknowingly took his back when he would trip, and he would just smile and thank them for not letting him slip. Expressing his emotions openly had been difficult, and his introverted personality proved to be disadvantageous when his instructor asked him to look at people's face on eye-level while talking, noticing how their noses scrunch or eyes crinkle or their lips curve. It was just at that time, Renjun recollects, that he wasn't familiar with the momentous four-lettered word or even knew about its practical meaning, but meeting Jeno made him realize that he could actually persist feelings for a person in a magnitude he hasn't known, loving the vulnerability and selflessness when it came to helping a person you love. It is a deadly combination of deadly and delight.

Donghyuck would rant, fight and make him laugh like he thought he never could. It's the brothers, Renjun reckons, to make people around them happy, spreading their contagious smiles with their big hearts unfairly trapped inside a small body.

It was funny, Donghyuck would whine more about being teased for being short when he is at least taller than Renjun. But Jeno never teased Renjun. Once in their hallway, Donghyuck let out a while like any other time, throwing tantrums, and Jeno.

"Yeah, puberty was kinda like a bitch to me, because it feels like it never happened. But hey, you never tease Renjun; why me?"

"I don't tease Chenle too," Jeno defended himself.

"It's because that fucker lets you play with his computer," Donghyuck argued back.

"You all are so immature, you fight over video games like it's your religion, damn. You seriously need some help" Renjun fake gagged.

"Huang Renjun, you have no right to shame anybody's interests." Jeno and Renjun scoffed out loud, laughing. "Whatever."

While Donghyuck was playful like this, Jeno was just…..Jeno. He was everything over normal, always extra good in everything he does. Basketball is what he played in college and sometimes everybody would hang out with Donghyuck's brother, Chenle. Jeno would come out glossy and gorgeous, under the gloomy clouds which would precipitate way back to their home and Renjun would suggest a coffee for all of them.

Jeno would tear up laughing, sitting on the table along with the other three, clapping his hands as the hair sticks out because of the excessive perspiration, and Renjun's stare shifts to him with an overflowing amount of admiration. Jeno was stunning this way under the blue glints, and despite the coldness of the rain droplets tethered against his skin. To love is an artless misery, caught in these tender shadowed moments. Like the summer starlight in the shades of misty snows, he shined in thousands of more versions of the boy he knew and aged with, and it's only one instance one far that Renjun yearns- achingly to press his head to his chest, wrapping his arms around his figure for warmth.

But he had never been a risk-taker, governed by too much fear that he resorts to wrapping his fingers around the hem of his cup, adjusting to the hotness to compensate.

The desperation within pricks the edges of his wrist, and the next moment he pulled himself together to breathe like a normal person was when Chenle asked him to show his gallery for more pictures which he drew, and Renjun obliged.

"Hyung, this is so good, like this is for real, for some good shit. I didn't know you were so good." Chenle looked amazed.

Showers of compliments were thrown onto him, and Renjun had never been a person who was able to take them in the simplest way like they were, considering the years of sarcasm and downhearted compliments he received as a child when it was mostly to either boast about him in front of others to downplay him with the mockery. Renjun didn't like it.

"It's nothing of that sort, you just keep doing well when you love what you are trying for. My teacher says, ``the more the character you are close to, the better the art."

"This statement looks only good in books because you have to be really good for this much, to be honest," Jeno clarifies.

His throat runs dry and wanted to stop the thing immediately and recommend that the coffee session was a bad idea and they would have to get back home as soon as possible but there was, Donghyuck, who chimed in with enthusiasm and a smug face, "And guess Renjun's favorite character to draw? You could answer this only if you know him too well."

"What might it be?" Renjun asks, in genuine curiosity, suddenly not catching over what he was trying to say.

"Hint, it starts with a J and Renjun loves him for all his life" and his smile was still the same, poking fun at him, and then the atmosphere was suddenly serious and investigatory, all his eyes on him and his eyes on everything but Jeno, and mind nowhere but Jeno. He gulps, and the feeling of inquisitiveness brushes over everybody.

After a long enough silence brimmed with obscurity, Donghyuck declares loudly, "Jujustu Kaisen."

It takes almost ten seconds for the words to sink into his throat and penetrate his consciousness, Renjun takes a mental note to make an expression of sough to seem normal.

"Oh," everybody nodded.

As they walked outside the cafe, Jeno caught Renjun struggling with the cold, and gave him his extra jacket in his bag. Renjun thanked him before Jeno left, taking his breath along.

Donghyuck, this time in all seriousness, looked at him with questioning eyes.

"Hyuck, you can't say anything to Jeno. You have to promise me."

"I know and I won't. I told you before that I'm not the one who is supposed to talk."

"And I said that there wouldn't be any talking-"

"Shut up. You can't say that. It bugs me to see that you don't even try for it. Yeah, you are fucking with your feelings but at least think about Jeno. He is our best friend, doesn't he deserve to know?"

"The most that's gonna happen If he gets to know is he feels weird cause his friend is trying to hit on him."

"You are stupid. Don't you see he is soft for you? He never gives his jacket to anybody. And you look at him like-" he deadpans, "don't make me say it. But you get it, at this point I think he probably knows you like him, there is no way this fucker can't notice. My brother hardly sees you both and even though he has the same opinions, you can't fool around me like this."

"I don't know, Hyuck. It's probably not a good idea. And my family- they probably don't even know I'm gay. At this time, I can handle only so much. I'm sorry, this is selfish, I know but I am sorry," he says, apologetic, and sensible.

"It's okay," Donghyuck gets closer, and pats his shoulder, "It's going to be okay, eventually."

"Thanks, I needed that."

××

"Hyuck, do you know MarioKart well? I can't lose this bet, not especially him, I can't lose to that fuckass Jisung now, that would be too awful," Jeno asked Donghyuck.

Donghyuck smirked and scoffed, and raised his chest to say it casually as if solving his trivial issue with utmost ease, "What kind of idiot would ask Gordon Ramsey if he knows how to cook, Messi if he knows football or Leonardo Decaprio if he knows painting?"

"....your point is?" Jeno asked, rolling his eyes.

"My point is that yes, I know Mario Kart and can help you win, you owe me, of course."

"Wait, what the fuck? What has Decaprio got to do anything with painting? The last time I knew that dude was drinking poison or doing some inception shit," Renjun interrupted their conversation.

"Oh no, I am talking about the dude who painted that brown-clothed woman, Mona Lisa."

"You mean Leonardo Da Vinci."

"Yeah, whatever."

Jeno snickered uncontrollably, Donghyuck was casually confused while Renjun was fuming with annoyance and rage.

"How could your stupid ass mistake an actor to a renowned historical polymath, engineer, and a painter-"

"Hey, technically I'm not wrong because he draws his girlfriend in Titanic okay?"

"Hey Jack, paint me like one of your French girls," Jeno mimicked the scene in an ostentatious pretentious way, making all of the crew cringe at his action, including himself.

"No no, Renjun's probably gonna paint boys rather than girls," Donghyuck teased. Jeno laughed harder.

"Oh shut up, I am not talking to you," Renjun shoved him away when Donghyuck played with his ears. "Go watch your lame-ass romantic Titanic or whatever." Donghyuck grinned, embarrassed.

"Anyway, I brought gifts for you both for Thanksgiving," Renjun said, excitedly.

"Oh really? Oh shit, I'm so emotional, you guys care about me a lot," Donghyuck fake cried, wiping his invisible tears from his eyes with Jeno's fingers.

"Shut the fuck up, Donghyuck," Jeno and Renjun screamed collectively.

"Anyways, what's my gift? I'm curious and excited."

"Yes, even I'm anticipating."

"Jeno gets a sleeping tablet, and Donghyuck gets a nail cutter because he bites nails like a fucking kid."

Both of them look at him with blank stares and folded hands.

"Yeah, now tell the truth," Jeno said. Renjun giggled.

"Okay fine, but it's not so special or anything, I did as much as I could," he said, embarrassed.

"It's okay, just the fact that you did something is special," because you never did, Jeno doesn't say. But he knows why. Renjun isn't a person fond of giving gifts to somebody, for it had ended in a very wrong way in the times before, way back in China.

Renjun gave gifts to Dejun on his birthday, every year without fail, and it was only the last time that he gave something and he didn't like it.

"Hey, since I'm moving soon, I wanted to give you this drawing of us, when you drew us," Renjun smiled sadly, handing it over.

"Why do you want to return something I gave you? Is it-" Dejun chokes out, "Is it so bad right now that you want to get rid of me? Is that why you never told me about your moving to Korea? Not until I found out?" He was sad and had the right to be, but Renjun shook his head in disapproval, "I don't mean it that way-"

"It's just that I had hoped that maybe you would miss us as much as you would, but here you are, trying your best to forget about me as soon as possible."

"I have- I have no choice, Dejun, I can't convince them- it's not about me-"

"Yeah exactly, it's just not about you. I'm just so mad that you didn't tell me before."

"Because I didn't want to," Renjun held back a tear, "I didn't want us to go through pain for a longer time, because I know, no matter what, we are leaving. I didn't want to give you false hope-"

"Better say you lost hope in us, in me, Yangyang and Hendery," he says sharply and it works because he felt like his heart was broken like glass, fragile yet harmful. It was probably that moment that made him understand that Renjun wasn't alone who got hurt, where Dejun and his other friends had an equal amount of pain they shared, that the glass no matter how weak and easy to break was, still hurts the person who touches it, the person needs to welcome the drops of blood from his nerves.

"Why don't you understand that I don't want you to leave us behind? And you come all the time reminding me that you are setting off to leave and forget about all the things we have done. You ask me what I want, then let me say, I don't want you to leave, will you be able to do something about it?"

Renjun shook his head in pity and loss of words.

"Exactly. Then this is meaningless. Not even if I did it for us, because everything is going to change. I'm sorry but it's becoming hard to believe that you care about us, while here we are worried to lose you. I just hate the fact that it's so easy for you to leave us and it's sickening to think we are not ready to let go of you."

Renjun didn't know his words could hurt so much. He asked in a low voice, "Can I hug you for the last time? Please don't say no." He pleaded.

Dejun scoffed out his first tear, "easy for you, last time."

Renjun breathed out heavily, sucking his tears inside, and launched himself on the other boy, "I am sorry."

"Have a great life, and move on," without us, Dejun doesn't say, but Renjun knows. He finally teared up when he felt the arms of the other around his back too and closed his eyes wishing it was a dream.

He woke up from the dream when coos were heard from Jeno and Donghyuck when they were given gifts. Renjun did want to move forward, giving up on his past anxiety that giving gifts to somebody wasn't a great idea as it would only lead to separation. He didn't want that with Jeno and Donghyuck, but he sure loved seeing the smiles on their faces.

It was evident when they came up to him, like the adorable bear, Donghyuck hugged and kissed his cheek out of gratitude for getting a full Korean beef set and said that he didn't have to spend so much money on them. Even though Donghyuck is a food lover and didn't like sharing his food, he had a motherly personality and liked to feed people, and it was probably that made Renjun comfortable around him and adjust to his antics despite not appreciating skinship that much. He hated touching people but Donghyuck is a whole different story.

After eating, Jeno came up to him and thanked him for the merch he had given, and Renjun was more than glad to receive his hug from Jeno, so delicate and gentle like the December flowers in the winter, very rare and tender, yet so soft and magnificent in their aroma. After years of being together with Jeno, he could deduce that Jeno smelled very good, and clinging onto him is a comfortable habit, and also a coping mechanism when he gave him solace in his arms.

As Jeno shifted back, he looked nervously at Donghyuck's demanding orifices, and asked him, "What?"

"What do you mean, what?"

"So you gonna tell him or no?"

"I don't know," Jeno said.

"You probably should, because that coward is not gonna do it first, I know. And he is in a good mood today too, go for it. If anything happens, I can save the day, don't worry. Donghyuck has a gift from God to make things better," he said in a light-hearted tone.

"If he is weirded out, I am planning your murder," Jeno says, threatening, but also equally nervous.

"Yeah, not likely but okay," he nods confidently.

Jeno observes Renjun buzzing through his phone, probably playing songs with his earphones, and vibing to it. Donghyuck's right, Renjun is in a good mood. So it was time.

Jeno nervously called out, "Renjun?"

As soon as he was going to turn back, Jeno said, alarmed, "No, don't turn towards me. I'm so nervous I might throw up if I see your face while saying it," Renjun made no sound and Jeno carried on, "I don't know, it's been a long while since I have been feeling weird around you, lately. Oh God, shit, I don't mean it in a bad way. Fuck you Jeno, wrong choice of words. But whatever, Renjun, listen to me; the thing is, I think I might love you, like not in a friend's way, I hope you get what I mean. You don't have to answer me immediately, and just so you know, you can be alright with me, no issues whatsoever. No awkwardness, alright? You can say 'no' if you don't wanna."

Not at Jeno scoffing at his own words, pretending that it was okay if Renjun didn't accept him, but he couldn't be selfish.

"Yeah that's it," Jeno breathed out heavily, making a loud sound as he does after completing a nervous task, patting himself on the way.

Two minutes passed and when there was no response from Renjun, Jeno grew panicky. He called out Renjun twice, but there was no response.

He took small strides towards him and gently patted him, to call him out.

"Hey, Jeno?" Renjun yelped in surprise as he took out his earplug.

"Renjun? All this time, you didn't hear me?" Jeno asked, palely.

Renjun laughed, embarrassed, "You were saying something? I'm so sorry, the audio was too loud, I couldn't hear you at all. Was it something important?"

Oh.

Jeno was heart-stricken.

However, he managed to put on a fake plastic smile, "No, I am good, I just came here to ask if you wanted something to eat."

"Nah, I'm full. Thanks, Jeno," Renjun smiled.

Jeno didn't reply. He bit his lips in disappointment and stood there.

"So….Bye?" Renjun said, rather questioning.

"Yeah, bye. I was about to leave anyway," Jeno put his hands in his pockets and left with mixed feelings of bewildering and dismay.

However, he missed the detail of Renjun slowly turning back and chewing on his corn chip, and connecting the earplugs USB to his phone, while contemplating how difficult it was for him, now that he knows Jeno was on his side too, pining over someone difficult to be with, when he realized he wasn't the only one who was in love.

What terrified him the most is that Jeno was equally chicken-hearted as he was. But it isn't easy to love freely when you are running in the relay of self-acceptance and when you are so slow about it.

He puts on the next song hoping it would lend him peace.

××

Things were not the same anymore, in fact, worse. His time spent with Jeno and Donghyuck was very compelling and mostly filled with awkwardness. Renjun carried the guilt, like a sprouting fire, ignited with the consequences of his actions, but was helpless nonetheless.

Once in a while, he visits his grandmother's grave, along with his mother, and his family was always so quiet that Renjun wondered if they had taken such a long time to recover or if it was this way, all the time.

Jeno doesn't seem angry or upset with him, because he is just like that. Donghyuck, however, does. But he was kind enough not to prude or blame anybody for this. Once, he went to Donghyuck's house to visit Mr. Lee. It was Donghyuck who suggested that he visits his father if he wants when Renjun worked himself too much during the semester exams of the previous year. Not periodic visits, he just went there when it was too much to handle or take the stuff off his chest.

Sometimes, Hyuck's familiarity made a difference, the other times, hanging out with Chenle and watching his "cool" stuff made a difference (except the video games, of course, he despises them.) However, he lets himself get teased by Chenle that he only dislikes video games because he is bad at them.

He snorts at the brothers. Donghyuck laughs, Renjun demands him to stop but he only laughs harder.

But, a teeny tiny part of his brain feels embarrassed how they could see the lines of his unsaid words and come to a conclusion about the so perfect, yet so dangerous truths of his life. He never asked Donghyuck how he could figure out Renjun's feelings for Jeno even though Jeno couldn't because he is scared of how obvious he might be. Also, the fact that Donghyuck was right there, beside him, all the time, reminding him of all the mistakes he has done and the mess he has created within himself and such a difficult situation for Jeno to deal with.

"You know, if you weren't my friend, I wouldn't be able to talk with you after what you have done to Jeno," he said, once in their college hallway. Renjun smiled sadly, "Sorry."

"Instead of being sorry a hundred times, you could be honest for once and end all this," Donghyuck said in a serious note.

"End what? My life?"

"Come on, your parents are not gonna kill you if they know you are gay."

"Well, I would want to kill myself if I carried on with whatever you are saying," Renjun moved away to the locker, pissed.

"Even after Jeno confessed?"

"The fuck are you talking about?"

"Now, don't fucking lie, I very well know you heard him that day. You should have at least pretended properly so that Jeno didn't catch that you downright just ignored him after he poured his heart out? Just so you know, he was as scared as you before confessing," this time, Donghyuck almost screamed at the other.

Renjun breathed out, "So it was you who told him everything."

"Oh of course not, I never told him that you like him or anything. I promised you that I never would. I just encouraged him to talk to you when he said he feels something, just like what I am doing to you now. The only difference is that he listens to me while you don't. He shares things but you don't."

Just when Renjun thought he couldn't feel guiltier, Donghyuck lowered his voice in a tone filled with concern, he never saw Donghyuck so soft with his tone, "I'm sorry for shouting at you, okay? But what you are doing is absolutely wrong. Not our Jeno, please. He loves you, seriously."

"I know," Renjun said, choking and gulping his tears, "And I love him too," he continued, voice so low, as if to let out a safely concealed secret only they know.

"Then what's not clicking with you?"

"My parents are homophobic, now I ask, what's not clicking with you?" Renjun folded his hands.

"As said earlier, your parents ain't psychopaths to kill you," and before Renjun could interrupt him, he continued, "and you won't bring yourself in a pathetic situation just because you did something they don't like. And remember that shutting up against a social issue isn't something great too, be a speaker before becoming a sacrificer."

"Thanks, I am not brave enough, Donghyuck."

"Then you are okay with losing Jeno?"

"I never had any sort of authority over him and expecting it to be anything more than what we have now is outright selfish. No losing or having shit going on here."

"What if he dates other people?"

"He can date whoever the fuck he wants and I would congratulate him. I don't care as long as he is happy."

And there was a long pause.

"Why do you get to decide what makes me happy, Renjun?" A voice was heard from behind and both of them were surprised to see Jeno.

Jeno continued, "It's not something you could say right now, not when you just ignored me that way." Renjun could look at his eyes, blinking with hurt and left a whiff.

"So this is what you were doing all this time? Hearing things you shouldn't?" Renjun asked him.

"Shut up, just shut up," Jeno hissed, "I was just passing by and happened to hear you both, and why the fuck am I not allowed to know what you are saying when it's about me?" Renjun gritted his teeth with an equal amount of fear and temper but Jeno paid no heed to him, "I was never a part of this, right? Like," Jeno choked out laughing but swore it to be faker than anything in the world, "like you had something on your mind, you never told me about it. When I approach you, you refuse to acknowledge it just because you are not ready? I deserve an explanation at least, right?"

Renjun looked at the ground at the loss of words, "I can't explain, okay? I have nothing to defend myself. I am fucked up, alright, now can you leave me alone?"

"What did you say?"

"You heard me," and Renjun packed his stuff to go to the corridor.

Jeno looked like what it feels to be a mixture of confusion and irritation and shifted his gaze to Donghyuck before the latter suggested, "Go get him."

Jeno nodded and went back to him with a fierce stare and a desperate heart, demanding answers and assurance which were very vital for his composure because he was in fact, losing it. And Renjun was the last thing he would want to lose. So he caught him.

"Renjun, just listen to me once," Jeno raised his voice.

"What?"

"At least talk to me, don't pretend nothing is going on, and you know that I am your friend before being anything more or less of it?" Jeno asked him, pity.

Renjun softened, "Now you understand why I am concerned? You are my friend and I don't want to get you caught in my mess- and" he searched for words, "and you know about my home. It's not as easy."

"It's not 'getting caught up in your mess' it's called helping someone, and there is nothing wrong with what we are doing. I don't want to force you into anything but I would also admit that you hurt me this time. How could you just-" he looked around, "it was-"

"Selfish," Renjun completed the sentence, "it was selfish. I know. And it's bad."

At his unfortunate voice, Jeno held his hand, "If you think about it, it's not good to keep things away from your parents for a long time too, right? But I fear you would never tell them and go on with whatever they say."

"I don't know," he said, helplessly causing Jeno to hug him, "You will figure it out, I promise."

"Thank you and I'm sorry."

"It's okay."

I love you, he doesn't say.

××

A few days went by in vain and negligence, and it was only time when Renjun made efforts as weak as compared to an infant trying to crawl in its fifth month, but he was certain that he would see an end, a good or bad one depending on how favorable his luck was. But there was no hanging in between, without the attestation of time where the paths were multiple but containing rocks and stones with higher-ups and lows.

He went to his house for the weekend and the house surprised him with their shocking awareness about Renjun being gay. He was nervous and wanted to bury himself in the ground but curious about how it happened.

"It was your friend, Donghyuck."

"It's always that bitch," he muttered under his breath.

"Don't blame the poor guy, it was me who called him cause your highness, you don't tell us shit."

'Us' this time. Renjun, sure, never relied on his parents for his issues, but it was a long time when he hid things like liking his friend from his sister.

A small subtle smile rises his lips, "What about Mom and Dad? I need preparation so that I don't do something stupid. How much do they know?"

"Just the gay thing. No Jeno."

His parents were nothing of the movie sort, who threw their children under the bus and grounded them for the rest of their life but also not very supportive saying it was okay and they loved him no matter what. Pretty cold, it was, but at least they didn't disown him for a mere sake.

"It's at least a courtesy of you to tell us," his mother said sternly, "it's not at all nice to know from somebody who isn't our son."

"I didn't know how," he answered simply and honestly. He closed his eyes for a minute before his parents moved out of his sight, to somewhere, farther away. He knew he didn't need to, but couldn't help but feel guilty about his situation, and understood that his parents' reaction was understandable but also not explainable because they lived in a different era where people were neither open about issues nor coming out was normal.

"You just need time and need to give our parents time too. It's hard to accept, you know? But I can assure you that no matter what happens, they can't stay cold for long, whatever reasons apply. Trust me about this, and later, you will be moving out for University next year, so they will be more concerned," his sister said.

"You know, it's not likely for me to say this, but without you, I would not be able to survive in this household, thank you, seriously," he was earnest.

"You owe me one, then."

"I sure do."

××

Donghyuck was immediately asking forgiveness because of telling his parents but also stating a reason that he was almost blackmailed at one point when Renjun approached him with the news. Nevertheless, Renjun let it slide and excused him with the rightful reasoning that it was supposed to happen at some point and Donghyuck unintentionally made things easier by not leaving a chance for Renjun to face the wrath of his parents. Jeno didn't talk much but his proud expression was enough for him to feel relieved.

One day, Jeno walked into the ground for practice but stopped his course when a notification popped up on his phone.

hyuck:
Renjun fought with that John guy.

Jen:
Wtf?

hyuck:
Outside the lib
If u free, be here rn

As soon as he went there, he saw a few people waiting outside the room, beside which a corner, Donghyuck, and Renjun sat, drinking water. Renjun wounded himself on his arm and cheeks, Jeno reached out to them.

"Seriously Renjun?" Jeno asked, sighing, but equally worried.

"What? I can't keep quiet when he keeps talking shit about you-"

"You didn't have to do this."

"He is a stupid person but says bad things about you like- that you only pretend to be cool and all you do is roaming around the campus without studying. Worse thing, he says you don't care about your friends or family-" Renjun continued but was interrupted by Jeno.

"Just that? You don't look great though. You fine?"

"Just that? He can't say that when you are so caring and absolutely the kindest person you will meet on this earth. I don't care if I am overdramatic right now, 'cause I need to prove my point," he was serious and looked into his eyes, "I think we should not judge people on what they look like or present themselves to be," three of them know that Renjun wasn't talking about John about anymore.

"You are right," Jeno continued, forcing a painful smile, "judgment is very bad, we must not conclude a person's nature based on what he likes or doesn't. You are your own person and don't belong to anybody else. A person has the right to live by himself and love everything he wants to, with no restrictions."

"That's true," Renjun nodded, holding his hand. After a few seconds of silence, Renjun however, continued, "You are your own person," Jeno almost forgot that Renjun was talking about him in the first place.

"But he was so adamant, saying things like you are just a boy who likes to fuck around; like, that guy clearly doesn't know the dangerous combination of sweet and powerful, and you are both of it. Having muscles doesn't mean you pick up fights with everybody, because you always try to resolve the issues with your words-"

"Renjun," Jeno scoffed out a laugh, "please," he was embarrassed while Donghyuck was trying so hard not to smile.

"What?"

"This is such a terrible way to tell a person that you love them" both Jeno and Donghyuck were laughing fully by now.

"I hate you," Renjun let out, shyly, and launched himself on Jeno, while the latter tenderly grinned, tongue-tied and warm checked, but also merry and hearty like the feathers extending from a dancing peacock to rain after a silent gloomy dark sky.

"Still a terrible way," Jeno intervened again.

"Shut up," Renjun muttered out laughing, shuffling closer as Jeno kissed his hair. He sighed softly, biting his lips taking in the process into his head and wondering how he had taken the complications on himself when he could rely on his best friends, and then suddenly, his eyes began to sting.

When he pulled away, both Jeno and Donghyuck were startled by the sniffing sounds and reached out to his arms, as Donghyuck wiped his tears. As they sat down on the bench, Renjun put himself together, and spoke out, "Sorry," he breathed out, rubbing his eyes.

"Hey, it's okay," Jeno said.

"Come on now, don't get all soft, you can't be cuter than me," Donghyuck teased. Renjun scoffed out, laughing.

"It's just that- I was too chickened out honestly, but now, now that mom and dad know about it, I don't feel pressured anymore. I don't want to hide myself this way, I want to come out but-"

"But you need time. And that's understandable. Of course, you don't have to hurry, we are here for you," Jeno mumbled, softly.

"Yes. Jeno is right."

Renjun nodded, breathing in before letting out, honestly and sincerely, "thank you. Really, if it weren't for you guys, I don't know what would happen."

"Well, that's what friends are for," Jeno said, like all the time. Renjun smiled.

"Can't believe we waited centuries for Renjun to confess only for Jeno to friend zone him again," Donghyuck over dramatically sighed. When he received a laughter in response, he continued turning towards Renjun, "But bro, why are you crying after getting a boyfriend? Like, do some cherry on top shit. Don't you wanna get laid or something?"

"Shut up, you have no mercy, fuck you," Renjun hissed but Donghyuck only laughed harder.

××

It was perhaps the stormy night and the cold feeling inside that made him shuffle into blankets, warm and cozy into his bed, ignoring Jeno's bantering for wanting to watch the movie before going to bed.

"You always do this," Jeno whined.

"I'm sleepy, and tomorrow I need to pick up Mark too. Next time, I promise."

"Mark. The friend I told you about that day? He is coming here tomorrow and living with me. So I need to sleep early today."

"You know, you can't lie," Jeno said.

"I'm not-"

"It's August 8th today. I know something's up," he said seriously. Renjun sat upwards, unfazed and stern.

"Dejun. It's his birthday, it's been five years since that happened. It's not fair that I can't get over it."

"You can't get over it unless he forgives you."

"And that would never happen. I tried talking to him once, but he just blocked me on Twitter."

"You should have something, number?"

Renjun bent his head on Jeno's lap, "I guess, but I can't talk to him. I'm awkward and nervous."

"And desperate too. I think you should try once."

"What if he cuts the call?"

"Then fuck him. It's easier to forget that stuff if he is acting like a stubborn bitch." When Renjun squinted his eyes, Jeno collected himself, "See, there is nothing wrong. If he talks with you, it's amazing or else, then at least you have an answer and you didn't leave yourself unexplained."

Renjun hummed, "it's been long though."

"Wish him birthday, and do the small talk I guess?" Renjun nodded and it was not more than ten minutes that he dialed the number, fidgeting with his fingers nervously.

"Hello?" The voice came out from the other side.

"Dejun," he spoke softly.

"Yes? Speaking?"

"Happy Birthday Dejun."

It was a long pause before the other person let out, confused, "Sorry?"

"Dejun, this is Renjun," he said nervously, "please don't cut the call."

"Okay."

"I just wanted to talk, I mean if that's okay with you, of course," he let out and saw Jeno giving him an encouraging nod, "but I hope you allow me to apologize and explain myself."

"Sure."

"Listen, I know what I did was wrong, okay? It was ridiculous of me to not inform any of you before leaving but what do I do? It wasn't like I could convince anybody to leave me in China too. And I just had to leave, I was a kid, a stupid one."

"Renjun, I am not- was not angry with you for leaving the country, I was just- sad that you didn't inform any of us. We trusted you a lot, you know, so yeah, it was kind of difficult to accept it."

"Yeah, I understand that."

"Also that you never tried to reach after getting to Korea. It was sickening to know that one of our best friends didn't care about us anymore."

"Once I texted you and you blocked me-"

"That was after three years, Jun," he sighed, "It's okay, anyway. I was impulsive on that too. And we were kids. Adults messing up is way worse, so it's fine. As I said, we were just worried about you, and wanted to be with us."

"Our gang was really beautiful."

"It can still be if you are ready to set things right, we can still be in touch, Renjun," he confessed, affirmatively.

"Of course," Renjun smiled teary-eyed, "I'd love to."

"You won't forget us, right?"

"I never did or never will," Renjun nodded, "listen?"

"Yeah?"

"I missed you," Dejun admitted.

"Me too, I missed you a lot. Seriously. I promise this will never happen." Dejun smiled, "Don't worry, we are good now."

"Yeah. Once again, happy birthday."

"Thank you, it was awful all this time without your gifts, to be honest."

"I will give them when I meet you," Renjun said, a little confident this time.

"Sure," he grinned, "Well anyway, I will talk to you later, okay? I need to go."

"Yeah alright, bye."

"Bye."

××

"Easy?" Jeno asked, smiling.

"Wasn't easy, but definitely worth it. I wish I had done this sooner," Renjun said, walking to their bed.

Jeno shuffled closer, brushing his hair, "See? This is what happens when you talk out things. Keeping it to yourself creates only misunderstandings and differences. You repeated the same mistake twice, see where it got you?"

"If it got me to your bed, I sure would have no problem," he said, winking, causing Jeno to smack his head tightly, gritting his teeth.

"Ouch man, don't be too harsh."

"Shut up."

"Alright sorry," Renjun chuckled and wrapped his hand around his neck, "I won't keep things from you next time. I promise."

"You better," Jeno said pointing his index finger.

"Mom and Dad," Renjun continued sighing, "they aren't talking to me properly, it wasn't like we were close before or anything but now that they have a specific reason that they don't talk, it hurts. Fuck, I didn't know it would be so bad, you know?"

Jeno rubbed his shoulder with his palm, "Things take time, and good things happen to those who wait."

"What if I never see an end to this? It makes sense why they are angry but I can't wrap around the fact that they might never accept us. They don't know about us yet, wow I'm so fucked up," he hysterically declared.

"Renjun, I don't wanna give you false hope but I really think that you are overthinking you know? It can't be that bad. And you are still their son, they won't disown you. It might take a day or a year, but they have to accept you, 'cause no matter what happens, they wouldn't like you being unhappy too."

"Yeah, maybe you are right."

"I am always right," he nodded cutely.

Renjun gleamed at his antics and tugged his face closer to touch their foreheads.

"Do you remember what you told me once?"

"What?"

"You said that when I smile, it's like I want to tell a story that I can't."

Jeno's face flushed at the memory, "Yeah, I was actually so nervous when I said that. I thought you would catch up with what I meant or think I was weird but you didn't say anything which kept me even tense."

Renjun threw his head in laughter which was very tired and pitiful, "Donghyuck is right, I am dumb."

"Very oblivious, yeah."

"You filtered my words, but yeah, it's alright."

Jeno brushed his fingers on his warm cheeks and Renjun wonders if he was risen above the hemisphere because of which he feels like he is on the top of the universe or was it just because of how gentle yet powerful Jeno's fingers were; crazy how he could enchant him in the way he was like the dandelions sprouting in the daylight, which could represent all the three beautiful celestial bodies of the sun, moon, and stars with its unique qualities.

Jeno indeed was like a dandelion, with a smile like the merry yellow representing the sun, the curve of his eyes like the crescent moon, and Renjun felt lost when he felt the kisses on his skin like the dispersed stars.

"Jeno, would you be along with me in my journey of telling a story?" Renjun asked, pressing his lips to his nape.

No amount of force would let out an objection from Jeno.