Work Text:
Sunshowers
“You keep me safe,” Stuck, Oceanic
Ben Parker’s grave was in the northwest corner of Harlem, situated just far enough from the normal noise of the city to be considered within a peaceful area. Peter didn’t come here often, couldn’t come here often. He barely had time to breathe between school, patrol, lab days, and the tidbits of time he managed to spend with Aunt May. This probably wouldn’t have bothered Ben much, anyway, Peter mused. After all, life was meant to be spent on the living, not chasing the shadows and ghosts of what was, or what could have been.
Today was one of the rare occasions that the young man had allowed himself to have a day to himself. There wasn’t any school today, Mr. Stark was busy, May was working, and it was too early for any hardened criminals to be out and about. Usually he avoided coming here, afraid to let his melancholic mood overtake the few precious happy memories he had left.
But, every once in a while, it was nice to remind himself why he did the things he did. The reason he was able to save people, to do the right thing, to use the gifts he had for the betterment of society and not his own personal gain, was all because of Ben. Ben hadn’t been perfect, of course, but he taught Peter right from wrong, and had been a great example of how willingness to help, even on a small scale, could make all the difference.
On his own, Peter wasn’t sure exactly where he would be right now. He wasn’t sure if he would be able to shoulder the weight of the mask, the weight of his intelligence, the steady press of expectations, as Spider-Man or as Peter Parker. Without Ben, he never would have understood the responsibility that came along with the power, and he sure as hell wouldn’t have the courage or drive to use it.
The thought of Uncle Ben keeping him from handling the burden alone, even now, was painful in a way that stole Peter’s breath away. Ben was protecting him without even meaning to, even after all that Peter had done. Even after all that he hadn’t done.
Some days, Ben’s absence felt crushing, like a building dropped down on him, like burning hot air in his lungs and soot on his face. Lately, though, it’d felt more like an anchor against the onslaught of changes in his life. Peter had made mistakes, and would continue to make them: homecoming had been proof of that. He was still only human after all; but the ache and the pain he felt constantly was just a reminder, today. He hurt because Uncle Ben was gone, sure, but it only hurt because he’d loved Ben, and Ben had loved him. And, for today, that felt like enough.
Shoving his hands in his pockets, Peter turned away from the headstone as rain began to fall from the sunny skies.