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There’s a man outside the confessional booth.
“Father?”
“I’m here,” Castiel says.
The man enters the booth and sits. “Dark in here,” He comments, and Castiel watches him fidget through the screen between them. “Um, how do I start this… forgive me, Father, for I have sinned.”
“Tell me what you have done,” Castiel asks, looking through the screen at the man. He’s looking down shyly, even though there is no one here to watch him. No one except Castiel.
“I fell in love…” The man says slowly. He stops talking, but it looks like the sentence isn’t over.
“Falling in love isn’t a sin,” Castiel’s eyebrows furrow.
“I fell in love with a man,” He says.
Castiel mouths an oh, but he doesn’t say it out loud. He looks through the screen again to see the man looking at him. “Falling in love isn’t a sin,” Castiel repeats.
It’s a fine line. Castiel wants members of the LGBTQ community to feel welcome in his church. He doesn’t appreciate hate. Not in God’s house. Not anywhere. Castiel tries to preach how the world and people are evolving. Religion has traditions, yes, but religion should evolve as people do. In his eyes, all of mankind is full of sinners. Why should a man who loves another man be punished worse than a man who kills a man? Isn’t love the point of all this?
The man has green eyes and he looks sad. “I can’t be with him,” He wipes at his eyes and looks away. “I’m not allowed to be with him.” The rephrased sentence hits Castiel a bit harder. This is more deliberate, he thinks.
“Why not?” Castiel asks. “Is he married? Is he in love with someone else?”
The man shakes his head and those green eyes pin Castiel to his chair. “He’s a priest.”
Castiel is speechless. Literally no words are in his head. None at all. He blinks a few times and looks away, and before he can say anything, before he can even tell the man his penance, he sees that the booth is empty. He opens the door calmly and steps out, and sees the man walking down the aisle to leave. His hair is brown and he wears jeans, a leather jacket, and combat boots.
He keeps walking and doesn’t look back, and there’s nothing Castiel can do to stop him. So he stands and watches as the church doors close and the man disappears. He feels like that was a big moment for that man, and he feels like it was directed right at him.
He doesn’t even know the man’s name.
-
Castiel sees the man by chance during mass the next Sunday. They meet eyes while Castiel is preaching, and he’s so shocked he actually stops talking for a moment before continuing. The man with the green eyes smiles at Castiel and Castiel smiles back.
After the sermon, Castiel goes to the confession booth so people can be absolved, and he goes through a long line of twenty people before the church is empty and there’s only one man left. He’s sitting in the pews, praying with clasped hands and closed eyes. His head is bowed, and Castiel approaches quietly.
“Good afternoon,” Castiel says quietly, and the man lifts his head slowly.
“Good afternoon, Father,” The man stands too suddenly and steps out into the aisle to shake Castiel’s hand.
“You can call me Castiel,” He smiles, returning the man’s handshake. “And you are?”
He looks away shyly, then meets Castiel’s gaze. “Dean.”
“It’s nice to meet you, Dean.”
“You too, Father,” Dean gives Castiel’s hand one more squeeze, then he pulls away. “Castiel.”
Castiel gestures to the confession booth, “Do you have anything to confess today?”
“Nothing you haven’t already heard, Father,” Dean taps the tips of his fingers on top of the pews. Castiel recognizes it for what it is immediately. Stimming. Dean’s nervous. Or uncomfortable.
“I don’t mean to push, Dean --”
“It’s alright,” Dean looks down sadly. Then he lifts his eyes to see if there’s anyone around, and when he sees no one, he sits back down on the pew. “Can we talk here?”
“We can,” Castiel sits across the aisle, but faces Dean. He gives him space, but also his attention. “What do you have to say?”
“I told you before, about…”
Castiel smiles politely. “About your love?”
“Um, yeah,” Dean scratches the back of his neck. He glances at Castiel but looks away quickly. “I, um, watch him sometimes -- not like stalking! I just -- he’s very moving when he preaches… it’s hard to look away.”
“I think I understand,” Castiel nods. “When you see someone who captivates you… you begin to covet them.”
“Thou shalt not covet,” Dean says sadly. Then quieter, to himself, “I guess I sinned more than I thought.”
“You’re being extremely hard on yourself, Dean,” Castiel reaches over and puts his hand on Dean’s left shoulder. “The only problem I see in you is not being able to tell the one you love how you feel. Yearning for him is only a problem if he never learns about it. Hiding your love like that… I can’t imagine how much pain you must be in.”
Dean looks at his shoulder, and watches as Castiel moves his hand again -- maybe Dean doesn’t like contact like that -- and his face looks so vulnerable. The green of his eyes shine with unshed tears and his lips are slightly parted. He looks beautiful. “It…” He just nods, wiping at his eyes. “What -- what should I do, Father?”
Castiel is a little shocked. This is probably one of the first times someone with a serious problem like this has asked him point blank what to do. Usually he would feel out of his depth, and while he’s never confessed his love to anyone before, he has been in love. He’s felt the pain of inaction, the pain of rejection -- he wouldn’t wish it on his worst enemy. “Dean, I believe you should tell him how you feel. Hiding is painful, and lying to yourself, and to him, is the worst thing you could do. Besides, if you don’t tell him now, will you ever?”
Dean seems subdued when he replies, “That’s… a good point.”
“I suppose,” Castiel smiles. “There’s a perfect moment for everything, Dean. But hesitation is your worst enemy. You have to find the right balance between the two.”
Dean nods. “Thank you, Father.” Dean stands up and hesitantly places his hand on Castiel’s shoulder, since the touch barrier was broken. “You… your words mean a lot to me.”
Dean starts to walk away, so Castiel stands too. “You’re welcome, Dean. I’m happy I could help.” He steps into the aisle, and Dean starts to walk away. “Dean?”
He turns around, “Yeah?”
“I… your love is a very lucky man,” He smiles. “I’ll pray for positive outcomes.”
Dean chuckles, but he looks melancholy. Even his slight smile lights up his face. “I appreciate it, Castiel. I’ll see you next Sunday.”
Castiel nods, and Dean leaves. Castiel feels something in his chest warm.
Dean comes to church every Sunday, and if Castiel can’t say hello, he makes sure to always wave to him, or at least smile.
In confession, Dean says very little about his love, usually only mentioning that his love only grows by the day. He mostly talks about his little brother; how he feels like he’s failing as a role model; how he misses his brother but doesn’t take the time to actually reach out. He talks about his job, working at his uncle’s mechanic shop, and he waxes philosophical about his car just about every time he talks to Castiel. He’s still extremely shy, so subdued, but Castiel can see little sparks of his personality coming out the more they talk.
Castiel falls for Dean slowly, quickly, all at once and not at all. Sunday after Sunday, confession after confession. Every time he sees Dean it’s like a brand new sunset at the beach. He can’t help but smile, and the more he learns about Dean and his life, the more he falls for him.
But then he remembers that Dean’s in love with someone else. His heart aches . But sometimes… the way Dean looks at him… he wants to ask questions.
On a Saturday morning, Dean comes in and he looks entirely defeated. He goes into the confessional, and Castiel steps in and sits. All of his questions are replaced by new ones. “Dean, you look…”
“Forgive me, Father,” Dean says, his voice quiet and hoarse. “For I have sinned.”
“What happened, Dean?”
“I slept with a man.”
“Your love?” Castiel asks. He wants to be happy, but if Dean has finally found his love, then that’s enough from him.
Dean’s chuckle is small and lacking. “No, not him.”
They meet eyes through the screen between them. Castiel feels sad and jealous and happy for Dean all at once. “Was it what you thought it’d be?”
“No,” Dean’s eyes are shiny with tears. “He wasn’t my love.”
Castiel gains his courage and asks, “Dean, who is your love?”
Dean’s tears fall and he looks away. “Before, you said I should tell him… do you think he’ll tell me he loves me too?”
Castiel feels Dean’s pain, even if he doesn’t yet know what the source of it is. “You won’t know until you ask.”
Dean nods and leaves the booth, then the church. Castiel yearns for him.
Dean comes back the next day, Sunday, for mass. He waits until absolutely everyone is gone, praying quietly in his pew. Castiel watches him for a moment before turning away and cleaning up the altar. He straightens out his books and puts out his candles one by one.
From the pews he hears, “I love you.” He turns around, and all he sees is Dean, looking up at him with eyes like a meadow. Dean stands, “I love you, Castiel.”
Castiel is so shocked, his mouth doesn’t work briefly.
Dean looks away. But then from the altar, he hears, “I love you .”
Dean’s eyes slowly meet Castiel’s. “You do?”
The priest nods, “I do.”
Dean stumbles out of the pew, his eyes never leaving Castiel’s. “Cas,” he wraps a hand around Castiel’s wrist. His lips move like he has more to say, but no sound comes out.
“Dean, would it be too forward…” He licks his lips nervously. “Can I kiss you?”
There’s an extremely brief moment of hesitation, but then Dean is surging forward and pulling Castiel into a needy kiss. His fingers sink into Castiel’s hair, and his lips are so soft. But then Dean is pulling away sharply, “I’m so sorry, I -- I’ve been wanting to do that for so long, I just -- I’m sorry.”
Castiel chuckles. “You should never apologize for loving me.”
Dean sighs in relief and with longing and he pulls Castiel close again.
-
There’s a man outside the confessional booth.
He’s smiling and he wears a wedding ring on his finger. He’s in love with a priest.
He enters the confessional and smiles through the screen at his husband. “Forgive me, Father,” he grins. “For I have sinned.”
“Hello, Dean,” The priest smiles. He wears a wedding ring that matches Dean’s. “Tell me,” he says very seriously. “Did you forget to wash the laundry again?”
Dean laughs. “I did it yesterday.”
“Then you didn’t do the dishes.”
Dean grins at Castiel and shakes his head. “No, Sunshine, I did them this morning while you were drinking your coffee.”
Castiel shrugs, “It’s my vice,” then he purses his lips. “What’s your sin, then?”
Dean opens the screen between them, moving it out of the way and leans his head closer. “I forgot to tell you something today.”
Castiel leans close too, so he and Dean are almost sharing breath. “And what is that?” he cups Dean’s jaw, rubbing his thumb gently across Dean’s cheekbone.
Dean leans into the touch, closing his eyes -- he loves when Castiel touches his face like that. Castiel looks at him like he’s the only thing in the world that matters. “Today marks four years,” Dean says, opening his eyes to look back at Castiel. “Four years of perfection with you, four years of marriage with you,” he reaches one hand through the gap to pull Castiel’s chin forward to kiss him. “I love you, Cas.”
Castiel’s eyes water and when he pulls away from the kiss he wipes them. “I love you.”
“ I love you, ” Dean pushes.
Castiel laughs, “Okay, okay. You love me .”
“That’s right,” Dean says triumphantly, pulling away and putting the screen back. “I’ll see you at home?”
“Yes,” Castiel nods and wipes his eyes again. “Happy anniversary, Dean.”
Dean smiles, and leaves the booth, then the church.