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Sapnap feels like utter shit. He remembers when he first moved in with his roommate who welcomed him with open arms and was so excited to spend everyday with the boy. So what happened since the months he moved in to get him to this point now?
When he first joined the household he spent hours with his roommate and loved it, endless chatter about nothing, having somebody around to cuddle with, bake & cook together, and even shop for silly outfits to put their cat Patches in. He introduced Clay to all of his favourite shows and movies and he did the same. Eventually even becoming a tradition to binge watch together on Thursday nights. He would do the shopping for both of them and experienced every up and down with eachothers supportive grasp always nearby.
Whatever controversy was trending or family issue that was taking a toll, they were always there for eachother, often drying each other's tears at the end of the night encasing them in hugs. When Clay had his speedrunning controversy Sapnap was so fearful, having never seen the blond in such dismay before. He spent months picking up the pieces of the boy from a very mishandled and misunderstood situation. He was the only one there in those late nights where he had panic attacks in his arms, he was the only one there making sure he ate bringing him regular meals and snacks, he was the reason the eye bags under his eyes were kept to a minimum, most nights cradling him to sleep.
Sapnap wished he could erase those memories, nothing felt the same anymore. These days whenever he was graced by his friends presence he felt like curling into a flaming pitiful ball of insecurity. He lost the kind young man he once lived with to malicious comments and hateful glares.
———
He heard footsteps thumping down their staircase before pausing near the couch Sapnap was sitting on resuming once again as the steps faded farther.
‘Morning Dreamie’ he called out.
‘Morning.’ the man grumbled.
‘Okay well I’m gonna head back up to my room.’ Sap informed him before shifting his body weight to get up off of the loveseat in their living room.
‘Whatever.’ the older responded dryly.
Sapnap couldn’t even stop the blood from boiling in his veins as he felt anger directed towards the man flare up larger than he had ever felt before.
‘God Dream I am so fucking sick of you for fucks sakes,’ he spat angrily,
‘Waa Waa I’m Clay and my life’s so hard and I hurt the only people who actually care about me,’ he continued, ‘Get your head out of your ass. You. Are. A. Dick Clay.’
‘What the fuck is wrong with you Sap, that is so fucking uncalled for. Just because I have an issue and don’t come crying to you, begging to be in your arms, you lose your shit on me. I’m not fucking reliant on you, I don’t fucking need you.’ He snapped.
‘That’s not the issue and you know it Dream. I lost my best friend. Why do you think I'm acting out? We barely fucking talk and if we do we end up having a screaming match and it’s been like this for months dude. You don’t look at me anymore, you look through me, and if you do acknowledge me you treat me like you’re disgusted by me, turning your nose up at me. Why do you hate me Clay?!’ he stammered out through heavy sobs. He was exhausted. This had been going on for way too long and he finally just wanted to put everything on the table and get it out there.
‘I am tired of a silent house, of secrets, of being kept in the dark by someone who’s supposed to have been my friend for a decade.’ He wailed out. He had lost control at that point, chest heaving uncontrollably while his throat itched from the strain of the screaming they did.
‘Sap…’ Dream whispered, ‘Can we please sit for a minute? Take a few breaths together? And I’ll explain it all.’
‘You make this really fucking tough on me Clay. You only care about letting me in once you see how much damage you caused.’ Nick sighed out.
And so they sat together on the couch, awkwardly separated but facing inward to each other for many minutes in silence, tears mutually streaming, puffy eyes, and pink stained faces. Neither of them spoke for a very long while, simply just calming down from the obvious painful argument.
‘I love you.’ Dream started.
‘I fell in love with you and I couldn’t cope. I loved you so much it hurt me everyday to the point where I didn’t know what else to do. I never hated you Sap. I just couldn’t be around you, it made me lose my sanity chasing after someone so unachievable and unreachable,’ he huffed out shakily,
‘I never meant to treat you like shit. I truly think I kept projecting what I felt on the inside towards you. And you don’t deserve that Sap. At all.’
He just cried harder, burying his head into Dream's shoulder. Dry heaving, throat raw from the way he spat hateful words previously and crying relentlessly. He thought it was never going to end, that he was never going to feel better, his head was never going to stop pounding around inside of his skull, that he would never have his best friend back normally.
Clay couldn’t even begin to describe how his love for Sapnap felt. It was dizzying, intoxicating, and smothering. He cherished the boy he loved that so dearly, a time where he could remember having to constantly force his head above the water while it became entrapped in his lungs suffocating him until no end, the boys smile is what brought him oxygen in those same moments he was drowning with no life jacket. But he loved him so hard that sometimes it hurt him, humiliated him, even made him not want to live, weighing on his lungs, everyday he has to live where his own reality is so distorted.
‘You have my heart, my love, my attention, my time, and all of my fond memories. We just don’t share those things in the same way. I’m sorry I don’t love you the way you want me to Clay. I can’t lose you over this.’ The younger choked out in between breaths.