Chapter Text
The wait for Saturday was torturous for the both of them, though in different ways.
Ellie was nearly bursting with all of the things she wanted to say. Their last conversation had bolstered her confidence in an odd way that was making her want to get everything out on the table and sort through it, however long it took and however messy it got. Like a good case, she wanted to get all the facts and line them up as neatly as she could, wrapping the situation up with a bow and moving on with whatever was found. Somewhere in the back of her mind she knew she was repressing all of the possibilities where Saturday didn’t have a positive ending, but she refused to dwell on that now.
Alec’s state of mind was distinctly different. Instead of feeling like he was bursting at the seams, he felt as though he was slowly drowning. He could practically feel the walls closing in around him, squeezing him tight and flattening his already too-slim frame.
Every so often he would try to relocate that sliver of hope that he had felt for a fleeting moment on their walk back to the station on Thursday afternoon. He would hold onto it for a moment before feeling it slip slowly out of his fingers, like trying to hold on to water in cupped hands.
Drip.
Drip.
Drip.
And then they were empty again, and he couldn’t see a positive resolution.
He figured that Ellie must be able to hold on to her own sense of hope, otherwise she wouldn’t have reciprocated the way she did. Nor would she have invited him over to talk about this further, he thought. But he couldn’t find a way to appropriate her optimism for longer than a few minutes at a time.
He had mercifully been in meetings all Friday, an unusual occurrence and one that he would not normally look so favourably upon. But it was much easier to sit through meetings than it was to try and discreetly avoid Ellie for the fifth day in a row.
On Friday night Ellie had sent him a text confirming tomorrow, early afternoon. Tom would be out at football and then with friends, and she had arranged for Fred to be away for a few hours as well.
It was clear she was serious about this conversation. Whether that was a good sign or not, Alec couldn’t quite decide.
On Saturday morning Alec was staring morosely into his closet, his mind simultaneously blank and racing. Okay, he thought, just pick a shirt, any shirt.
Should he go casual, poshed up, businesslike? He didn’t know. Probably not the last one though.
He opted for a navy jumper over a comfortable button-up and dark jeans. That felt right, or right enough. He realized as he dressed there weren’t many other options he had to choose from anyway, besides his work suits, though he had still felt as though he had been paralyzed by his choices. At this point, every choice he made, no matter how small, seemed momentously important.
Ellie was facing frustrations of her own, dealing with a moody Fred, convincing him that spending a few hours at a mate’s house was actually a good thing, and not a cause for a near-tantrum.
What six-year-old doesn’t want to go for a play date?
“Come on, Freddie – you and Ryan have loads of fun together!”
“His sister’s really annoying,” Fred complained.
“What?”
“He’s got a baby sister and she’s soooo loud, Mummy. She cries all the time. Me and Ryan hate her.”
“Don’t say hate, lovely.”
“Why can’t Ryan come here instead?”
“’Cause Mummy’s got work to do today. Can you please be good today for Ryan’s mum? I think once you get there the two of you will have a great time. You can always play outside, away from the baby, can’t you?”
Fred made a face. “Can we have pizza for dinner?”
Ellie sighed, but saw her way in. “If you stop your complaining and Ryan’s mum says you were good, we’ll get pizza.”
“I’ll be so good!” Fred changed his tune, much to Ellie’s delight.
* * *
When Alec knocked on Ellie’s door in a matter of seconds it was flung open with a surprising gusto. Although more to his surprise was the face staring back at him.
“Oh, uh, hello lad.”
“Hi Uncle Alec! I thought you were Ryan’s mum.”
“Sorry to disappoint.”
“What are you and Mummy working on today?”
Alec shifted awkwardly in the doorway. “Uh – well…”
“Are you putting away bad guys?” Fred asked excitedly.
“That’s right, like we always do.”
“You’re like superheroes!”
“Suppose we are,” Alec gave a small smile, a little tension in his chest relieving.
Fred was suddenly running back in the house, and Alec followed him inside, closing the door behind him.
“Uncle Alec is here!” Alec could hear Fred shouting towards the kitchen.
“Come on in!” Ellie called out.
Alec took off his jacket and shoes and made his way into the kitchen where Ellie was putting some biscuits out on a tray.
“Hi Alec,” she looked up at him with a smile.
“Ellie,” he nodded back at her.
“Where’s Ryan’s mum? I’ve got to go be good!” Fred was pulling down on the bottom of Ellie’s sweater impatiently.
“She’ll be here any minute, Freddie, but you can always start being good now.”
“I’m always good,” he retorted.
Ellie snorted and pulled his hands off of her.
“Don’t go stretching my top, please, lovely.”
“Can I have a biscuit?”
There was another knock at the door and Fred was off like a bullet, biscuit apparently forgotten, followed closely behind by Ellie.
“Be back in a second,” she said as she passed by Alec.
When she got to the front door Fred was already chatting excitedly with his friend Ryan and his mum, Charlotte.
“Charlotte, thanks so much for having him over. Fred, what do you say?”
“I’m gonna be good today!”
“That sounds alright to me!” Charlotte laughed. “It’s no problem, Ellie.”
“I’ll get the next one, promise.” Ellie replied.
Giving Fred a quick hug, she closed the door behind the gang, took a deep breath, and made her way back to the kitchen. She found Alec pouring two mugs of tea.
“Sitting room?” Ellie asked.
“Alright.”
The two of them sat facing each other, Alec on the couch and Ellie in an armchair, each of them holding a mug of tea. Ellie, naturally, also had a biscuit in her hand.
“So,” she began.
“So,” he echoed.
“Suppose we should just start, shouldn’t we?”
“Suppose we should.”
“I think we should first acknowledge that we’re both feeling a little awkward. But we’re just going to get through this, okay? Cards on the table.”
Alec nodded.
“You probably want me to start, don’t you?”
“Please.”
“Even though you’re the one that brought this up.”
“I can start if you’d like.”
“You know what, yeah, I think you should actually.”
“Right then.”
He paused, taking a sip of tea.
“Go on then,” Ellie said impatiently.
“Well, to start, I’m not good at all this. You know that.”
“That’s fine.”
“Like I said Thursday…”
What had he said Thursday? He realized he hadn’t actually been able to get out anything of substance, but had rather let Ellie fill in the gaps on her own.
“You know you’re the second most important person in my life. Daisy, then you. That doesn’t leave a lot of other people to think about, so I think about you quite a lot. And I feel about you…a way that’s not just friends or colleagues some of the time. I think,” he quickly tacked on at the end.
“You think?”
“Like I said, not good with this sort of thing.”
“By that I thought you meant talking about things.”
“Talking about things, feeling things – all of it, I’m afraid.”
“That’s okay. I’ll try to be an interpreter here, then, if that’s alright.”
Alec nodded.
“So what I’m getting is you’d like to, for lack of a better term I guess, take things to the next level?” Ellie inwardly cringed at her description.
“Erm –”
“Like, the two of us date?”
“Well, what would you say to that?”
“Part of me does want that, Alec. And that’s new for me – new in relation to you.”
“Since when?”
“Sometime when you were nursing me back to health. But I didn’t know if it was just because I was all vulnerable, but the feeling hasn’t gone away yet. What about you – since when?”
Alec had dreaded this question. For one, he didn’t actually know the answer. But what he did know was that his feelings were definitely not as recent as hers.
“Hard to say. Think it sort of crept up on me. I noticed it especially when you did get hurt, but…”
“But what?”
“It’s been longer than that.”
“Okay,” Ellie said softly. It felt nice to be admired, even if her admirer was decidedly unsure.
“So what do we do?” Alec asked, ever an answers man.
“I don’t know, but it seems we ought to do something, doesn’t it? Would you want to go on a date?”
“Could do.”
“You’re not really the dating type though.”
“I go on dates,” he retorted weakly.
“You’ve been on dates.” Ellie pointed out. “It’d be a bit weird to go on a date with you.”
“Yeah?”
“Wouldn’t it? It’s not like we can small talk.”
“That’s the worst part of a date. Could do without that.”
“Mm, suppose that’s fair. I guess I just mean it changes a lot of things all at once, but also would be hard to tell how it’d be different than if we went out to dinner now, you know?”
Alec shrugged, “yeah,” he conceded.
“Could let you snog me, I guess. That’d be new.”
“Aye, that’d be new.”
“We might not even need to date like we would with other people. Could just relabel.”
Alec cocked an eyebrow in slight confusion.
“Could just say, we’re Ellie and Alec now… a couple.”
Alec didn’t respond.
“Theoretically,” Ellie hurried to amend.
“Right.”
They settled into a brief silence, both of them untangling their respective thoughts.
“Would this be easier if we don’t try to dance around anything? I’ll throw my pride out the window if you do too,” Ellie broke their silence. “I think we both just need to say everything we’re thinking, or we’ll be stuck in circles forever and get nowhere.”
“What do you want to say?”
Ellie took a deep breath, exhaling with all the pent-up weariness she could muster.
“I don’t know about you, Alec, but I am bloody tired of being alone.”
“You’re not alone, Ellie.”
“I am though, in many ways. I just want…” she trailed off, caught off guard at the feeling of tears springing to her eyes. Please not now, she thought.
“…I just want someone to love me. And I adore my boys to bits and pieces, but I want someone besides them to say it. Do you know what I mean?”
Alec gave a brief nod.
“And I don’t say this to put on any pressure, I hope you know. But I – I love you, Alec, in the way you love your family. I don’t mean to scare you off, but I do need you to understand that’s where I’m coming from.”
Alec nodded again and cleared his throat gently. “I understand. And I – I feel that, too.” He couldn’t quite bring himself to say it.
“And because of that I need us not to do anything that would risk us not having that anymore. Because I need that in my life – need you in my life.” Ellie brushed an escaped tear off her cheek.
“I hope we’re past that. I’m past that with you, Ellie. ‘M not goin’ anywhere if you won’t, so you’ve got nothing to worry about.” Lord knows I need you more than you need me.
“Good. Me too.”
Ellie let their confessions hang in the air for a moment before she continued.
“So, all that being said, I love you…and I do have feelings towards you in a way that I would call not strictly platonic. Now you.”
“I – I, uh, the same.”
“You’ve got to say it, Alec.”
“You are a remarkable woman, Ellie. I admire you on every possible level, and I…would want something more…if we could find a way.”
“We can do anything, you and me.”
Alec nodded. “Together, we can.”
* * *
“I’d want to figure all this out just the two of us,” Ellie said.
The pair were sat at the kitchen table, having both needed a refill on their teas and a change of scenery as they continued wading their way through the conversation.
“What do you mean?”
“I don’t want to tell anyone we’re doing this.”
“Same here.”
“Not Tom and Fred, either. And I don’t think you should tell Daisy.”
“That works for me.”
“Just until we know if it’s working. And what it is.”
“I agree.”
“…what is it? I don’t want to tell other people, but I think I’d like to know myself.”
“What do you want it to be?”
“I think you should answer that.”
“Ladies first.”
“Age before beauty.” Ellie smirked back at him over her tea.
“Fine. I’m not one for something casual. Well, haven’t tried, but don’t think I’d want that. Not with you.”
“I’m with you there. I’m a single mum, I’d need a level of commitment.”
“I can do that.”
“And we’ve agreed, it won’t affect work.”
“Right.”
“So no more avoiding me ‘round the office then.” Ellie eyed him again.
“Right.”
She looked over at the clock on the wall. They’d been talking for nearly three hours now, and Fred was due to be home within the hour.
“I should go,” Alec had followed her eyeline and picked up on the rest, ever the detective.
“What can I call you?” Ellie asked as if she hadn’t heard him.
“Hm?”
“Are you my boyfriend now.”
“I can be whatever you want.”
“Ooh, saucy,” Ellie chuckled.
“I don’t know what a good term is.” Alec said honestly.
Ellie sighed, now serious again. “I don’t either. I guess since it’s just the two of us that know we don’t have to call each other anything for now – but we can just know it’s something.”
“Something real,” Alec clarified.
“Something serious. Something real.”
* * *
Ellie watched Alec put his coat and shoes on by the door, her heart feeling light.
“Can I see you tomorrow?” Alec asked.
“I think that can be arranged.” Ellie grinned.
“I’m free all day.”
“I’ll text you tonight, and we’ll work something out.”
“’Kay.” Alec stood up, his shoes on, no real reason not to leave, but feeling like he had unfinished business. He put his hand on the doorknob.
“One last thing before you go.”
“Yeah?”
“I think you should kiss me.”
He knew he shouldn’t be, but he still felt taken aback at the request.
“Okay. I can do that.”
He took a step to close the distance between the two of them. They had talked all afternoon about their feelings and how things were going to change between then, but they hadn’t crossed any thresholds that felt as new as this.
He put a hand on her upper arm. She took his other hand in hers and placed it around to settle between her hip and lower back, pulling him a little closer to him. Tilting her head up, she looked directly into his eyes and watched as he dipped his head towards her uncertainly, then closed her eyes as his nose brushed hers.
Their lips touched, softly, barely. Alec’s eyes were still open, the beating of his heart suddenly picking up speed. His hand that was resting on her arm slowly made its way up to cup her jaw and the back of her neck and he was finally able to relax into the motions, his eyes closing, and his lips pressing more firmly against her own.
He was kissing Ellie Miller. And everything felt exactly right in the world.