Work Text:
It’s 2AM in your car
Windows down, you pass my street, the memories start
You say it’s in the past, you drive straight ahead
You’re thinking that I hate you now
Cause you still don’t know what I never said
Robert didn’t know why he was driving around at such an ungodly hour – to be honest, he didn’t know why he did the things he did most days, recently. He had gotten everything he’d ever dreamed of and possibly more – the flash car, big house, and fancy job that bought in the money he’d always prayed for, not to mention the beautiful wife and her son. Okay, so maybe the psycho son wasn’t part of the plan but he could deal. Hell, even Lawrence trusted him now; so why did he still feel the need to sit outside this building, hoping for a miracle.
The light from the lamp he’d come to know, illuminated the bedroom that he was observing so the occupant was awake – just like he was every night. Robert knew it was in the past, knew it was long since over but he was still holding on to that thread of hope, the tiny piece of belief that they could still make this work. He was kidding himself of course; Aaron had made it clear that they were over – “You won’t be hearing from me, not anymore.” – those had been his final words to Robert and sure enough he had stayed true to them, not one text, phone call, no glances at Robert, not even a simple hello and to put it politely the silent treatment was driving Robert insane.
It had all started on December 4th, Robert remembered that day like it was yesterday, the passion, the fire, the explosion – it was something that he’d never experienced before. He knew there had always been something drawing him to the mechanic but he’d always put it down to lust, choosing to believe it was never anything more. It had been a rollercoaster after that, a game which was played willingly by both of them until someone had gotten hurt – Katie’s death was an accident, Robert and Aaron knew that, but it hung over their relationship like a bad stench on his dad’s old farm. After Katie was Andy, watching his brother contemplate suicide was bad enough, knowing that it was his fault – yes, he was capable of admitting fault – but the worst part was watching Aaron go through hell afterwards. The downward spiral seemed never ending for him. The excruciating bit came when Robert overheard Aaron telling Paddy how he was so sure that Robert hated him now, was sure that he had completely ruined everything by ending their relationship even though Paddy had reassured Aaron that it had been for the best.
Truth is, Robert doesn’t hate Aaron and he never will – he couldn’t even if he tried too. Aaron meant too much to him, much more than Robert would ever admit. Much more than Aaron would ever know.
“It’s in the past,” Robert muttered. Even if Aaron was awake, it doesn’t mean that he was thinking of Robert – wishful thinking Rob – so he started his car, and drove away whilst preparing for the onslaught from Chrissie.
It’s 2AM in my room.
Headlights pass the window pane, I think of you.
We’re a crooked love in a straight line down.
Makes you wanna run and hide
Then it makes you turn right back around
It’s 2am, and Aaron has yet to feel the need to sleep. He was currently sat in his room, cradling a bottle of lager in one hand whilst holding his phone in the other – his name on the screen. The dark room was lit only by the glow of his bedside light but didn’t provide an excellent vision. He was currently staring at his phone, debating whether or not it was wise to call him or maybe he should text him. After all, it had been Aaron who had gone out of his way to ignore the bloke, cutting ties with him, but that had been for his own sake, for his own mental health. However, his health was now suffering having to force himself to stay away from him.
He hated seeing Robert in the pub or around the village, hated it even more when he saw him with Chrissie, playing happy families. He’d force himself to become interested in anything apart from the man in front of him, usually either his pint, Adam, the piece of scrap he was working with, or the stupid car he was trying to fix. His life had become routine. Get up, skip breakfast, get dressed, go for a job, go to work, come home, drink beer, and depart to his bedroom where he’d sit up till god knows what time drinking even more beer, before finally drifting off around 4am. Oh and then repeat.
He was startled from his thoughts by headlights shining onto the wall opposite his bed, brightening up the picture he’d kept of them. Of him and Robert; they’d taken it the first time they’d gone to a hotel – for some reason it was a turning point in their relationship, or so Robert said. He wondered whether it was him, sitting outside his room, in his stupid car wishing that they could go back, just like Aaron was. Course he was kidding himself, Robert was probably wrapped up in bed at Home Farm, cuddling his Mrs. Aaron was probably the furthest thing from his mind right now. They’d never been perfect, sure – always fighting and arguing and breaking up and making up but it was them, their thing, something that kept them on their toes. They knew that no matter how many knives they put in each other’s backs, they’d always have each other’s back – if anyone was going to hurt the other it be him, no one else. Not exactly the best, most healthy relationship, but Aaron loved him all the same.
They were crooked, and at times they scared each other so much that they wanted out, to run away. But they’d always come back to each other, always finding each other again. So why weren’t they this time?
Maybe Aaron really had pushed him away for good this time, maybe Robert really was done with him. Pulling Robert’s conversation roll up on his phone, he started typing.
I miss you – A
Keep it simple , he thought. It couldn’t hurt to try; besides Aaron was tipsy enough to not care, plus being sleep deprived didn’t help. Send.
I wish you would come back,
Wish I never hung up the phone like I did.
I wish you knew that I’ll never forget you as long as I live.
And I wish you were right here, right now, it’s all good.
I wish you would
Robert had hoped, wished and prayed for months after Aaron had ended it, that he would receive a text holding some inclination that Aaron missed them. He had lost hope after month 5, leaving the last 3 months to feel like hell. He knew he could never forget Aaron, knew he’d never want too. The guy had meant too much to him, he had become almost a best friend to Robert. He was always there when Robert needed someone, and was the first person that he’d felt he could trust completely and be himself around without being judged. To lose that and go back to feeling like you need to put on a front for everyone around you had been torture. He never thought he’d hear from Aaron again, but yet here he was staring down at the screen in his hands, reading the simplicity of the words over and over again.
I miss you – A
He had thought it would have been Chrissie, demanding his location and reasoning as to why he wasn’t at home in her bed at this time of night. The surprise of opening up this text though had left Robert’s heart in his throat – 8 months had passed with no reaction from Aaron, no word, no expression, and no nothing and now all of a sudden, it was here. Only problem was, Robert didn’t know how to react.
I wish we could go back,
And remember what we were fighting for.
And I wish you knew that I miss you too much to be mad anymore
And I wish you were right here, right now, it’s all good.
I wish you would
Aaron wasn’t lying when he said he missed him. Being tipsy brought out the truth one way or another; he was a firm believer than drunken people were the most honest. However, he didn’t really know what he was expecting. This was Robert. But there had been a time when he’d fought for Aaron, fought for their relationship; no matter how crooked and weird it was. Like the time Robert had kicked Aaron out of the hotel after discovering Chrissie and Katie had followed them, he’d chased Aaron like a lost puppy, doing everything in his power to change Aaron’s mind, pulling out all the stops. They’d both fought to maintain the connection they had, even if one had more to lose than the other. Yes they may have argued with each other like cat and dog, but at the end of the day, they needed each other. They gave each other a purpose, Aaron made Robert want to be better, and Robert made Aaron want to trust and love again. They weren’t perfect, far from it. But the imperfections are what made them perfect in the eyes of the other.
Aaron needed that and he was damn sure Robert did too. He missed it. Too much to even pretend to be mad anymore, there wasn’t any point in being mad. Aaron would gladly lay down his armour if it meant he could have a shred of what Robert gave him, back. But was he really expecting Robert to lay down his pride in order to give Aaron what he wanted, and get what he needed in return. Aaron hoped.
You always knew how to push my buttons
Aaron had always known which buttons to press and exactly how much pressure to push them with – he’d become almost like an expert at it. Knew exactly what to do to get Robert riled up to the point where he felt like he had no control over what he was doing, like he was going mad. The caravan incident had been a good inclination as too just how much hold Aaron had over him. Yeah, he never made Robert set that thing on fire but Katie had had it coming, she’d ruined something that was meant for him and Aaron and made Robert turn it into him and Chrissie. That hotel room wasn’t Chrissie’s. Katie’s meddling had forced yet another wedge between him and Aaron, making his anger for his brother’s wife increase.
Robert had set that caravan on fire because he had wanted to warn Katie to leave him be, to leave him and Aaron be (even if she didn’t know about Aaron at the time).
You give me everything and nothing
Robert had been a hard case to crack, he could be smug and confident one minute and sweet and vulnerable the next. He could be malicious and vicious, and then charming and smooth. His attitude was never stuck on one setting, but Aaron had come to realise that’s what he had to deal with if he wanted Robert. He was a guy who could give you everything whilst leaving you with a feeling of nothing at the same time, and trust Aaron when he said; Robert was an expert at it.
He’d learnt early on that there were some things about Robert that was never going to change; he was too set in his ways. But the way he acted around Aaron changed, he’d became more open over time, more willing to let Aaron see the real side of him. However, that didn’t mean it didn’t leave Aaron completely frustrated. There had definitely been times when he’d wanted to rip his hair out or claw his face off because of this guy. But it was also a guy that would do anything for Aaron; he wouldn’t see him hurt, not intentionally anyway. Maybe Aaron was fooling himself but he knew Robert better than anyone else, he was sure of it.
This mad, mad love makes you come running
To stand back where you stood
I wish you would, I wish you would
I wish you would, I wish you would
On my way – R
Aaron was shocked to say the least, he never thought he’d get a reply from Robert, let alone him say that he was coming round, especially with it being the time it is. At least Aaron knew he was right about one thing when it came to their relationship, they would always end up running back to one another.
2AM, here we are
See your face; hear my voice in the dark
We’re a crooked love in a straight line down
Makes you wanna run and hide
But it made us turn right back around
Opening the door proved harder than originally planned for Aaron, knowing that Robert was on the other side and not exactly knowing where this night would leave them frightened him more than he cared to admit. But he’d made his bed and now he needed to lay it in. Robert pushed his way inside as soon as the door was opened, surprising Aaron with his eagerness. Suppose that’s a positive sign, he thought.
Closing the door, he turned to face the man he’d avoided for months only to find him staring straight back. His face looked tired, bags under his eyes proving his lack of sleep, the gaunt look haunting Aaron proving that this has affected Robert just as much as it’s affected him. Aaron didn’t know how long they stood in that hallway staring at each other; he didn’t suspect they cared much, they were just happy to be facing one another again.
“Robert?” Aaron croaked, his throat dry from nerves and too much alcohol and his heart pounding in his chest due to the intensity he was being stared down with. Robert didn’t react to his name, at least not straight away. He continued to devour Aaron’s face with his eyes, taking in every little detail as though he expected this to be the last time he’d see it. Aaron hoped not.
“Robert?” He tried again, only to be startled when Robert’s arms suddenly grabbed him by the waist, pulling him in tightly. He stood in shock for a moment, barely registering the voice that came from the tired man. The whisper was meant for Aaron’s ears only, Robert didn’t need for anyone else to hear them, after all this was his and Aaron’s moment and Robert needed Aaron to understand just how hellish these past months had been for him. Needed to know whether they had been the same for Aaron.
“I’ve missed you.”
“I’ve missed you too,” Aaron replied, finally responding to the embrace which he found himself in. “I’m sorry.”
“Don’t be,” came the mumbled reply. Robert tightened his hold on Aaron’s waist as if he thought Aaron was going to change his mind about this any second now. He wouldn’t survive that if he did. The thought that this could be over if Robert made one wrong move haunted him, plagued him. He couldn’t mess this up, he wouldn’t mess this up.
“I thought we were definitely over,” Robert began, his voice shaking, “It’s been months since I last heard from you.”
Aaron tightened his hold on Robert, offering silent comfort in a moment when he found himself not able to voice what he was truly thinking. They’d always been able to understand each other, words were never needed. One look or touch could do what a thousand words couldn’t. It was the first time either man had experienced something like that.
“I just needed time. Time to adjust to everything that had happened, to get my head straight, after the whole Katie thing-” Aaron’s voice cut off then, not able to find it in him to speak about the things that had happened after that day. Poor Andy, the things he went through. What made it worse, Aaron knew what he was going through, understood the things that were swimming round in his mind, what he was feeling. Aaron had been there once, been on the dark side and knew what it could do to people. He’d watched it happen to a man he thought was so strong, his Uncle Zac. Even the strongest of people fall, which was something Aaron, had come to realise. Everyone was human.
“What about what I needed?” Robert fired back, finally pulling away from Aaron before turning to stalk into the living room. He heard the door quietly shut behind him, indicating that Aaron had followed him into the room.
“What about the fact that I needed you! You were the only one who knew what was going on! The only one I trusted with what was going on, Aaron!”
“Yes I do know that, Robert! But I was losing my mind, you know as well as I do that I don’t do well with guilt and grief. Never have done. We’ve both seen the scars that are evidence of that!” Aaron interjected. Robert retracted now, he’d heard about Aaron relapsing from Diane and Vic. That had been the only time he’d tried to talk to Aaron since their break-up. Course Aaron had pushed him away and muttered never to talk to him again, that they were still over. Robert had thought it best for Aaron to be left alone after that, started questioning himself on whether he was good for Aaron if he had put him in this state of mind, started to believe Aaron was better off without him even if he wasn’t better off without Aaron. Maybe it was for the best if he just left Aaron alone, full stop.
“I’m sorry,” Robert whimpered. “I know me saying that doesn’t change anything, doesn’t bring back Katie and doesn’t undo everything that I said, but I am sorry Aaron. If you choose to believe anything, I beg you to believe that.”
“Stop talking like you’re going to walk out that door and never come back,” Aaron sighed. He crossed the room with determination in his steps, a confidence that Robert had never seen before. “We both know that’s not what the other wants.”
“But maybe it’s for the best.”
Aaron sighed at this answer, once again reaching for Robert, encircling his arms around the man’s neck, tugging him closer. “Who’s playing the martyr now?” Aaron questioned. “You don’t get to decide what’s best for me, Robert? I’m old enough and wise enough to do that for myself.”
Aaron leaned up then, tired of talking, and pressed his lips to Roberts, catching him off-guard. Robert held him by the waist, leaning down into the kiss. It had been too long since they’d done this; felt each other’s body being pressed against theirs, felt the spark in their hearts from the kiss, felt the fire and passion. Robert believed he would go insane without it, wondered how he’d ever managed to go 8 months without it. Chrissie, as much as claimed to love her, would never make him feel things that this man could and he wasn’t sure anybody else would ever come close to eliciting the things that Aaron could.
Would their relationship ever be perfect? Probably not. But right here, right now that thought seemed to be okay with both men, both content to just be with the other. Maybe that was enough, for now, they didn’t need to worry about what was out there, in the real world, cause on this night at 2am they had found each other again.