Chapter Text
Maya heard the front door of their apartment close and she finally broke down. The tears she fought so hard to keep from falling finally escaped her eyes, running down her cheeks leaving got trails behind.
The blonde hid her face between her hands as the heaviness of the conversation she and Carina just had sank into the pit of her stomach, leaving her feeling like someone had hit her in the gut so hard that it winded her.
The thought of being the one causing pain to Carina was killing Maya and she didn’t know what to do. She didn’t know what to do with that feeling, she didn’t know how to make it stop, she didn’t know how to fix it.
She needed to talk to someone.
The firefighter leaned back slightly so she could pull her phone out of her front pocket, finding her best friend’s name as soon as she opened her contacts list. She hit the call button and pressed her phone to her ear, inhaling through he nose and letting the air out through her mouth to regulate her breathing.
However, Andy didn’t answer. Maya frowned at the device and hit the call button again. She got the same result.
Maya grunted in frustration and threw herself back on the bed, leaving her phone on her stomach and covering her face between her hands once more.
It took her a minute to compose herself, wiping the tears away from her cheeks and sitting up, scrolling through her phone, looking for another contact.
She only waited for the line to ring twice before the other person picked up the call, greeting the firefighter warmly.
“Hello, honey, good morning.” The woman on the other side of the line said.
Maya’s bottom lip quivered at that voice, wanting to smile but not being able to bring herself to do so. “Hi, mom. Uh… are you busy right now?” She did her best to keep her voice from trembling but she was not sure she succeeded.
“Maya, what’s wrong?” Katherine asked, immediately noticing her daughter was not okay.
The younger woman didn’t answer immediately. She looked up to the ceiling, trying to stop herself from crying again. “I need to talk to you.” She sniffled. “Can I go to your place?”
“Of course you can, honey, it’s my day off.” The older blonde quickly replied.
Maya nodded and licked her lips as she pushed her hair back with her free hand. “I’ll be there in 20.”
“I love you, darling.” Katherine said before Maya could hang up.
“I love you, too, mom.” Maya said it back and then ended the call.
She took another minute to breath. Quickly putting on her left shoe and tying the laces, she got up from bed and grabbed her car keys as she exited the apartment.
As Maya sat in her car, turned on the engine and drove off, she started thinking of how going to her mom for something like this would have been impossible a year ago when she was still blinded by her dad’s lies. But after her wedding –and the drama that came with it–, she and Carina had helped Katherine finally get out of Lane’s house, file for divorce and get a job as a librarian to pay for her bills. The mother- daughter relationship had improved a lot over the last 11 months and Maya was truly grateful.
As estimated, 20 minutes later Maya was stepping out of her car and walking into the apartment building her mother lived in. She knocked on the door and only waited a few seconds before Katherine answered and immediately wrapped her in a motherly hug.
“Hi, honey.” The older woman said, still holding her daughter.
Maya, in return, tightened her grip around her mother. “Hi, mom.” Her voice was muffled as her mouth was pressed against her mother’s shoulder.
They remained in that position for a few more seconds, Katherine rubbing Maya’s back and then her arms when they pulled away. “Come in.”
The firefighter followed her mom inside, taking a deep breath and then letting it out loudly.
“Do you want something to drink or eat?” The older woman said, turning to see Maya.
The firefighter shook her head as she shoved her hands into her pockets. “No, mom, thank you.”
Katherine offered Maya a soft smile before making her way to the small living room area, followed by the other blonde.
Maya pulled her hands out of her pockets and rubbed her thighs as she sat down, going from the top of her thighs to her knees, and then joined her hands, instinctively starting to play with her wedding ring. It was a comfort tic she had developed during the last year.
Katherine waited for her daughter to start talking but when she didn’t, she took the initiative. “Do you want to tell me what’s going on?”
Maya looked up for a quick second before lowering her gaze again, back to her ring. “Carina and I… we just…” she tried to swallow the knot in her throat. “We just had a fight.”
The older blonde nodded slowly. “I’m sorry to hear that, honey. What was the fight about?”
The firefighter scoffed and shook her head. “It wasn’t even a fight, it was just… me, hurting her…” She pressed her lips together to stop them from trembling.
“I’m sure you didn’t mean to hurt her, Maya. You love her and you’re not a cruel person.” Katherine assured her daughter, leaning and extending a hand to touch her forearm.
The younger woman drew her bottom lip between her teeth, her eyes still not meeting her mom’s, focused only on her hands as she played with her ring. “She wants a baby and I…” She squeezed her eyes shut, shaking her head again. “I can’t give her that.”
Katherine’s forehead creased. “You can’t?” She asked, not sure if Maya meant that she physically could not or if it was something else. “Did you go see a doctor?”
The firefighter noticed the other woman’s tone and locked eyes with her for a second, seeing the concern in them. “No, it’s not that… I’m okay, it’s just…” Her gaze returned to her hands, to her ring. “I love my job. I want to be captain again, I want to keep rising but a kid…” She gritted her teeth. “I’m already off my track and a kid would derail my career completely.”
Katherine nodded, remaining in silence for a moment. “So, it’s about your job? Is that what’s keeping you from wanting babies?”
Maya bit the inside of her cheek and let out a frustrated sigh. When her mom put it like that, the blonde felt like a selfish asshole. “No, mom, it’s not that simple.”
“But it can be.” The older woman tilted her head, trying to meet her daughter’s eyes. “Tell me, if your job wasn’t an issue… would you want kids?”
The firefighter grimaced and chewed on her bottom lip again. “I don’t… I don’t know.” She ran a hand through her hair in frustration, leaning back on the sofa. “I guess I could see myself and Carina being moms but…” Her shoulders lifted as she shrugged. “I don’t know if I would be a good at it. It’s not like I had the best example growing up.” She said the last part with snark but as soon as the words left her mouth, Maya wanted to kick herself. She looked at her mom and saw the sadness on her features. “Shit, I’m sorry, I didn’t mean it.” She buried her face between her hands.
“It’s okay, honey –” Katherine started saying but Maya interrupted her.
“No, it’s not okay.” The young blonde lifted her face from her hands. “It’s like I’m on a streak of hurting the people I love and that’s not okay, mom.”
“But it’s the truth, Maya.” Katherine shrugged as she smiled with sorrow. “I wasn’t the best mom, I didn’t protect you and your brother. And your father…” she scoffed. “He’s the example of what you should not do.”
Maya’s jaw tensed at the mention of her father. “That’s exactly what I’m afraid of.” She looked at her hands –at her ring– again. “What if… Carina and I have a kid and I’m just like him, he raised me to be like him and I’m a mess…” She closed her eyes tight and shook her head. “I don’t want to mess a kid up, I don’t wanna be like dad.”
The young blonde sighed again and her eyes remained closed. “I think about him a lot, about… how he manipulated me, how he made me feel like my worth was based on which place I ended up on the podium.” She accidentally bit her tongue, making a face at the taste of blood in her mouth. “On my wedding day, it felt so good to confront him…” One corner or her mouth twitched in an attempt of a smile but it quickly faded. “… and then, I got demoted and I couldn’t stop thinking about what he’d say and how disappointed he’d be.” She sniffled and brushed the underside of her nose with the back of her hand. “I don’t want to do that to my hypothetical children.”
The firefighter felt the couch dip under the weight of her mom sitting next to her and then she felt an arm around her.
“Not wanting to be like your father is the first step to not being like him.” Katherine said as she rubbed her daughter’s back. “You are nothing like your father.”
Maya tilted her face to the side to see the other woman and nodded slowly. “I’ve heard that before but…” she swallowed loudly. “I’m still afraid. And even if I wasn’t, I… I don’t want to give my career up.”
“I think the question here is, do you love your job more than you love Carina?”
Maya jumped off the couch like her mother’s touch burned as soon as she said those words. “Don’t say that, I already feel like shit without you saying that.” She hissed, standing as straight as if a rod had replaced her spine.
Katherine stood up too but slowly to not used the blonde anymore. “Maya –”
“No, mom! I’ve worked too damn hard to give it up. The system is built by men for men, and us women have to adapt to it, and I have!” The lieutenant pointed at herself, almost hurting herself by how hard her index and middle fingers dug onto her chest.
“I know that, honey.” Katherine agreed with the blonde. “I know how hard you’ve worked but, do you think you will be happy being garrison chief –”
“Battalion Chief.” Maya interjected.
“– if your wife is miserable?” The older woman finished.
“But why do I have to give up my expectations?” Maya’s face contorted in pain. “I don’t want to break her heart but how do I give her what she wants, what she needs, without breaking my own?” Her tone was desperate, practically begging her mother for an answer.
Katherine stepped closer to Maya and grabbed her hands. “I believe you only have one option, then…” The firefighter looked at her mom with expectant eyes. “If the only thing between your happiness and Carina’s is the fire department, then you need to change it.”
Maya snorted and tried to get her hands away from her mom but Katherine tightened her grip. “You say it like it’s easy to change a system that’s been in place for more than a century.”
The older blonde let go of one of her daughter’s hands and cupped her cheek. “I never said it would be easy. But I know my daughter.” She brushed her cheekbone with her thumb. “You are many things, but a quitter is not one of them. If someone can change it, if someone can fix the system for every woman in the department… that’s you, Maya.”
The firefighter looked deeply into her mom’s eyes, wanting to believe her words.
Wanting to believe change was possible.
Wanting to believe she could be the one who made it happen.
It was time for the Seattle Fire Department to change and maybe, just maybe, she could be the one who started it.
She could be the spark that would light the fire to burn down the sexism within the SFD so it can rise from it’s ashes, anew.
And, in doing so, both she an Carina could be happy together.
Yeah, Maya wanted to believe that was possible.
A tear rolled down her cheek but the small smile on her lips didn’t indicate sadness. Not anymore. “Maybe I should try.”