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He was dancing with a bag of chips when she saw him for the first time.
She was in a hurry, trying to get through the rain, just like every other person in the hassle of the evening. No one wanted to get wet and catch a cold, yet there he was in that summer rain, dancing with his bare feet, without a care in the world.
Sigma couldn’t help but stop in her tracks at the sight of him. People pushed and shoved her, they complained because she stood still in the steady stream of office workers in their dull suits trying to get to the closest train station to get home.
Their eyes met and it felt as if time stopped. As if the droplets of rain were hanging in the air between them, not yet ready to fall to the ground, but already too close to earth to escape their faith.
His blonde hair was tied into a braid and he had a scar on his left eye, but that didn’t taint the golden sparkle in the least. The sparks felt like bubbles, lighting up the gray sky and engulfing something in Sigma’s heart, something that made her feel as if she should move towards him, ask him for his name, ask him what he was doing here, without shoes and with only a bag of chips.
The smile he flashed at her, before turning around and continuing his dance in the downpour, still lingered in her memories when she was laying in bed that night.
She had an argument with her mother. It was because of her, because of who she chose to be after not being herself for so long. Often she would cry over it, but that night she couldn’t stop thinking about the gold of these eyes, the smile that seemed so genuine and the lightness that he radiated.
She got out of bed, thoughts still with the boy as she rummaged through her desk. Carefully she applied the yellow nail polish, knowing that her mother would make a big deal out of it, but for once Sigma didn’t care.
When she went to school the next day, taking the same train line as always, getting out and walking through the calmer streets of Yokohama, much calmer than in the evening, she felt prettier than the day before. Maybe it was the nailpolish on her fingers, maybe it was the way she managed to smear some lipstick on her lips after breakfast without her mother noticing.
That evening she looked for him, hoped to see him again, that boy with the bag of chips. Maybe he would be there again, dancing in the evening sun, letting his eyes glow even more in the reds of the evening sky.
She saw him on a bench, looking as if he was waiting for something to happen, as if he was anticipating for someone to come. Her heart skipped a beat at the sight because in her illusion she hoped that maybe he also kept on thinking about her, just from that brief eye contact they had the day before.
Sigma wanted to go over and greet him, wanted to talk to him, ask him his name and what he was up to. However, her heart sank when another boy approached him, greeting him and entangling him into a conversation.
She stopped in her tracks, turning to mingle with the crowd again. Just like that she failed to see how his eyes found her in the crowd, how he told his friend to wait for him as he tried to follow her. She didn’t know that he lost sight of her in the crowd when she tried to become invisible again, as invisible as she had always been.
At home she removed the nail polish. That little bit of spark, that tiny hint of visibility, she had added to her body, removed. Her mother was happy. Sigma didn’t need to hear it from her, she knew it, it had always been like that.
When she saw him again the following week their eyes met and Sigma wasn’t sure what she was supposed to do. He did everything in her stead though, as he jogged over.
“Hey, you!” He called out, voice so pleasant that Sigma didn’t want to hear another voice ever again. “Wait!”
Sigma waited, she was even brave enough to take a step towards him.
He reached her, his smile beaming as if he had just found a long lost friend. “My name is Nikolai, it’s nice to meet you.”
Sigma bit her lip, unsure if she should be talking to the stranger.
“I saw you the other day, when I was dancing.” He laughed, and it felt like the world started to make a bit more sense. “And last week, my friend kept me busy, but I hoped to see you again. I loved the nails, they really suit you.”
Sigma clenched her fist around the strap of her backpack, nails digging into the palms of her hand. She couldn’t keep looking at him, not with her face reaching its limits of how red it could get.
“I know this might sound odd but I was thinking—” Nikolai laughed nervously. “Maybe we could spend some time together in the park today?”
Finally, Sigma found her voice again. She failed to say her name, or that she had seen him too and wanted to know why he danced in the rain without his shoes on. She failed to ask him how he was doing and what he was up to.
“Okay,” was all she managed but it seemed enough for him, enough for him to grab her by the wrist and pull her along.
“That’s so exciting,” he hummed, pulling her to the bench he was sitting on the other day. “It feels like I am doing something illegal.”
Sigma looked down at where his hand encircled her wrist, the way he held onto her so naturally, as if they had known each other for a long time.
“Something illegal?” She asked shyly.
Nikolai hummed. “Yes! I didn’t think a pretty girl like you would just come with me.”
Sigma’s heart throbbed. The way Nikolai had said that, as if it was clear as day that she was a girl, it felt so good, so relieving, that Sigma didn’t manage to respond.
They came to a halt at the bench and he settled down, as if the bench was made solely for him to sit on.
“Come,” he urged, tapping the space next to him eagerly.
Sigma complied, settling down next to him. Her face still felt hot, but something about just being there was nice, comfortable.
Sigma didn’t have any friends. No one at school wanted to spend time with her. They called her a weirdo or a freak and kept their distance from her.
Nikolai wanted to spend time with her every evening though. He didn’t care that she didn’t talk much, he would just sit next to her in silence or tell her stories until she warmed up to him.
“Sigma, look,” Nikolai pointed at the sky, Sigma’s eyes following his fingers. “That airplane is going to America.”
“How would you know?” She asked, staring at the streak in the sky.
Nikolai shrugged. “I just know. Every airplane goes to America.”
Sigma chuckled. “That’s silly. Some go to Europe, others stay in Asia, some go to Africa, some even go to Australia.”
Nikolai hummed happily. “You’re smart.”
“You don’t have to be smart to know that not every airplane flies to America,” she responded dryly.
“I like you, Sigma,” Nikolai responded.
Sigma turned her head to look at him, eyes searching his face. “Do you?”
Nikolai nodded. “Yeah, you’re cool and smart, and you don’t care what other people think.”
Sigma shook her head. “I care.”
His hand reached out to hers, taking it into his and inspecting it. “When we met you didn’t wear nail polish, you also didn’t put on any make up. You had your hair tied back and you would make sure that no one would notice you, always keeping your head low.”
Sigma felt exposed by his words, the truth ringing in her ears.
“I noticed you,” Nikolai continued. “And ever since then you decided that being noticed isn’t so bad.”
Sigma tried to withdraw her hand but Nikolai held onto it.
“It’s not so people notice me,” she responded quietly. “You just make me want to be myself.”
“I?” Nikolai asked, blinking a few times. “But you don’t have to change for me.”
Sigma shook her head. “I am not changing. I am just being who I was meant to be.”
Nikolai smiled at her. “I like you.” He repeated it, squeezing her hand as if he wanted to emphasise on the words.
“You wouldn’t if you would know me better.” Sigma’s voice was bitter.
Nikolai shook his head. “I know you and I know me. The me I know likes the you I know, and even the you you don’t want to tell me about.”
Sigma sighed, unsure of what to make of this confession. It wasn’t a straight up love confession, but she could tell from the way he held her hand that it wasn’t a platonical one either.
Nikolai knew enough about her to not want to be with her. He knew that she was born as someone she didn’t feel she was, with a name she didn’t want to be called anymore and a body that didn’t match her. He knew that her home wasn’t a warm and pleasant place to be, and that she’d rather take a scolding for being home late, than being home on time. He knew that she would rather skip dinner than spend it at the table with her mother because she wanted to avoid the conversations.
Nikolai knew all that, and still he claimed to like her.
“You like me,” she said.
“I like you,” he confirmed.
“And what should I do with that?”
“You could say you like me too, if you do. But you can also just keep it in your heart, as reassurance.”
Reassurance.
“I like you too,” Sigma whispered.
Nikolai’s hand tightened around hers and she could see the sparks fly, the same way they flew in that second their eyes met when he was dancing in the rain. Just like then it felt as the world stood still, as if it was just them, their own bubble, shielded from everyone around them.
It felt the same way, months later, when he kissed her for the first time under the moonlit night. Their breaths clouded in the cold winter air as they pressed their lips against each other for the first time. The sparks of his eyes traveled through her entire body, making her skin tingle under his touch and leaving her warm and breathless.
That night she couldn’t sleep, mind too full with his beaming smile and the feeling of his hands holding onto her waist as he kissed her. She didn’t know much about relationships back then, or about kissing, or what comes after kissing. All she knew was that she wanted to kiss him again, whenever she could, she wanted to kiss him.
When Sigma turned eighteen she invited him to her home. Nikolai was nervous, Sigma understood why. Nikolai didn’t have a home with parents to go back to, he just had the orphanage for most of his life, and after that he had a flat so tiny that he didn’t want Sigma to see it, too ashamed of how little he had to offer.
He told her he was worried that her mother wouldn't be happy about him being in her life, that he wasn’t enough for Sigma, but Sigma just shook her head.
Her mother wasn’t happy about Sigma being in her own life, Nikolai wouldn’t make that worse or different. It wasn’t Nikolai’s fault.
“I am home,” Sigma called from the front door.
Her mom’s head peeked out from the kitchen. “Welcome home!” She looked over her child, then her eyes traveled to the tall boy behind her. “Oh, did you bring a friend?”
Sigma slipped out of her shoes, getting ahold of Nikolai’s hand for reassurance. “Actually,” she started, voice a little shaky.
Nikolai squeezed her fingers reassuringly. She knew that if she couldn’t say it he would do it for her, he would step forward and say ‘I am Nikolai, Sigma’s boyfriend’. But Sigma wanted to do this herself, she had to do it herself.
“Nikolai is my boyfriend,” she managed to say.
Her mother’s eyes widened for a split second, then her features softened as she stepped out of the kitchen. She wiped her hands on her apron, approaching Sigma and Nikolai.
“It’s nice to finally meet you,” she said, giving him a gentle smile. “I am happy Sigma found someone that makes her happy.”
The thumbling of that heavy burden, that had been on Sigma’s chest for so long, was a lot for her to deal with in the five seconds it took for her mother to say that last sentence.
In the past year Sigma had been with Nikolai, the many times she sat in the park with him, talking and holding hands, sometimes even kissing, she never thought that her mother would be okay with him— okay with her.
Every moment Sigma had spent avoiding her home, avoiding her mother, were moments she didn’t realize that her mother had been trying. For her mother to use the name Sigma had chosen, to use the right pronouns in a moment like that, as if it was the easiest thing to do, it brought tears to Sigma’s eyes.
“Mom?” She croaked weakly, voice already breaking from emotion.
“Oh, dear,” her mom called out, tearing up at the sight of her daughter. “Baby, don’t cry.”
“But you—” Sigma started, just to be pulled into a tight hug.
“I am sorry, love. You seemed to be so much better in the past months, I didn’t want to bother you with my apologies.”
Both of them sniffle, Sigma still holding on to Nikolai’s hand so tightly, as if she was scared he would slip out of her grasp if she didn’t.
“Come now, food is almost ready,” her mom finally managed to announce, pushing Sigma away from her gently. The both of them were wiping over their cheeks as her mother continued. “My daughter only turns 18 once.”
They settle down around the table. Just the three of them, something that started to become routine after that.
Nikolai would come to Sigma’s home instead of sitting on the bench with her. They would sit on the sofa and watch a show, or cuddle up in her bed between plushies and blankets. The two of them would share kisses, soft and lingering, the ones that left them satisfied but also longing for more.
It was on a cold winter evening, hidden away under her blankets and muffled by the many pillows in her bed, when Sigma learnt how to experience pleasure with the body she once hated so much.
Nikolai was gentle and slow, talking her through it and kissing her everywhere, even in places Sigma never dreamed of being kissed before. There was nothing awkward as she gave her body to him, as she let him explore and love her thoroughly. Their breaths became one as their moans and pants were only audible for each other.
It made her feel alive, as if every cell in her body had been opened to something she never knew she was capable of feeling.
It was years later when they passed the park they first met. The evening hassle shoving them along in the summer rain. Nikolai pulled on her hand, out of the crowd and into the park.
He gave her a smile, the same boyish smile she had been admiring for years.
“Come, dear, let’s dance.”
Sigma lowered her umbrella and followed his example by slipping out of her shoes. Her summer dress flared in the rain as Nikolai twirled her around, the downpour soaking both of them from head to toe.
They laughed and danced, just like the teenagers they once were. The rings on their fingers sparkling like the gold in Nikolai’s eyes as some rays of sunshine found their way through the clouds.
He was dancing with a bag of chips when she saw him for the first time.