Chapter Text
It's all in the texture. In the light and shadows.
***
Javier always appreciated his friend, always found that there was something heartwarming about him. Or occasionally, heartbreaking.
Sweet smiles, crinkled skin. Innocent gazes, warrior glares. Sometimes a somewhat forlorn gaze.
Yuzuru was always a man of mysteries, but words left unspoken never made Javier doubt their mutual understanding. Spending years working together and fighting through ups and downs does that to people. He knows when Yuzuru's eyes are beckoning him closer and when he needs his space.
Knows when Yuzuru wants to open up about how much he cares for him, and when he wants to be left alone to fight his own battles.
Light and shadows.
***
When he's about to go on the ice during competition, Yuzuru looks like he's a creature from another universe, getting ready to bless the audience with a beautiful performance.
The performances aren't always what Yuzuru would have liked, but cameras never fail to catch his aura.
Javier loves the way shadows play on his skin. The way sparkles reach through the darkness to make the viewer realise they are about to witness something magical. Sparkles however aren't necessary for Javier to know Yuzuru is special. His aura comes from within.
Simple moments are enough to make Javier's chest squeeze affectionately. Such as the sight of Yuzuru's eyes closed, as he inhales and whispers against his skate-guards. Javier couldn't afford to watch Yuzuru closely like this when they competed against each other, however now that Javier has been reflecting about stepping into the role of a photographer, it's different.
He has looked through the work of photographers he liked, because a newcomer has to learn from the masters. He knew Yuzuru's aesthetics always came out nicely in magazines, even before he'd looked into the details, but now that he's looking at pictures taken in that special moment by the rink, right before Yuzuru steps on the ice, Javier sometimes forgets it's a public moment he's looking at.
The low lighting and introspective expression makes Javier feel like he's intruding into something intimate. His gaze stops on Yuzuru's closed eyelids, on his chapped lips. On his skin's texture.
Javier thinks that is when he knows he will never be able take pictures of Yuzuru at a competition rink. Because he suddenly feels protective and wants to keep details of such introspective moments to himself.
Javi wonders if he's going crazy or if it's the late hour of the night that is making him feel this invested in every detail.
Attempting to be a photographer suddenly feels like standing at the edge of a precipice, and Javier isn't sure he can take that jump.
***
For a long time, this stays an unspoken dream. Javier is busy with other projects anyway - coaching is a full time job. He however gives in during his free time to the temptation to learn more about photography. He buys himself a nice camera for his own birthday - at least his family won't judge him for that. Turning 30 makes him feel authorized to celebrate with a possibly excessive purchase: a Leica.
He knows this isn't intended for sports. He brings his Leica with him on holidays, takes pictures of nature and friends and learns how to use the camera's functions.
He takes pictures of his beautiful girlfriend too and admires her silhouette under the warm light of sunset. Here too, he appreciates details such as her eyelashes as much as he does in everyday life. A few months in, he believes he's starting to get good at this.
However, when one night she offers to pose for him in a more intimate manner he declines.
"Why, are you suddenly shy Javi?"
He blushes. He doesn't know why, but it feels wrong.
"I love everything about you in real life. Why should I turn it into a document when I have all I could dream of in my arms?"
She chuckles, he grins. But deep down he feels unsettled. Because a voice deep inside has put into words a thought he never dared consider.
...unlike Yuzuru, who will never be in my arms like this.
***
Javier avoids thinking about photography after that. Or more specifically, about photographing Yuzuru. Is it weird that imagining the texture of someone's skin on camera feels like cheating on his girlfriend?
Because Javi has made peace with why he was so attached to the sight of the light dancing on his skin. Why he loved the sight of those soft eyelashes, those lips he'd love to make soft with his own.
Who would have guessed that looking up close at professionnal pictures would awaken urges he thought he had been able to bury for good? He couldn't let himself go there. Yuzuru didn't do relationships. His entire life was dedicated to skating, nothing else - or so he said.
Sometimes Javier wonders if Yuzuru knows exactly what sacrifices he's made by keeping his distance. If Yuzuru knows that Javi might care more about him than he thinks.
***
Javi is in a turmoil of emotions and his girlfriend senses it. He feels urges to contact Yuzuru more often than before, and on the surface it stays light, but when Yuzuru sometimes confesses that he's going through a hard time, how can Javi stop his heart from beating erratically?
'I believe in you.' he writes, wishing he could be by his side. Because silent support through warm glances and smiles was their talent back when they trained together, but how can they do that now?
An unexpected answer startles him.
'Am I still your champion?'
Javi exhales and rubs his eyes. His thumb twitches over his keyboard as he hesitates how to put it. Would it be too much to dig old words back out of the past? Because he still is, always the champion in his heart.
Writing the word heart feels intimidating now, however, so Javi decides to keep things simple.
'Always❤'
He hopes the delay of his answer hasn't made his dear friend doubt of him.
***
They exchange more messages after that, and Javier's hands sweat when he decides to confess that he has a new hobby. Yuzuru reacts warmly, and that makes Javi brave enough to say more.
'Maybe I'll photograph you one day ;)'
He's told himself it could pass as a joke, but when Yuzuru doesn't immediately reply he starts to panic. Maybe he should add some dumb texts to make his offer less weird?
'My camera will have the best shots of Yuzuru Hanyu's pores, I'll be a billionaire.'
At least the reply to that is quick to come.
'Shut up'
***
Javier had dreaded parting ways with his girlfriend, because their relationship had just been everything they had ever dreamed of. Except, over the past few months it had become obvious to them that they would be better off as friends.
He should be used to breakups by now, but it's always scary to decide to separate from someone you gave part of your heart to. He feels blessed that they are parting on good terms, the right time had come for them to move onto other adventures.
Javier has made up his mind to stay alone for now. What he needs is quiet time to reflect on who he is and what he wants.
One thing he knows will always matter to him is the art that is figure skating. And for now, he won't let his mind go further than that.
Not yet.
However everytime he picks up his camera, he has a thought for Yuzuru.