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This was an altogether different type of nightmare. He had already done his mourning. He had done his penance. He had lived through enough grief for any single human to survive.
Here he was, staring at his data pad.
Sure, Jeff accepted the job with Cerberus because anything was better than being grounded. But this?
They made a replica of the Normandy. Was that a joke? He wasn’t laughing if it was one.
The schematics of the new ship were pulled up. Somehow the specs were better than the original Normandy. He was to live in his own trauma, only the New and Improved version.
“Project Lazarus” was mentioned in the report multiple times but Jeff really didn’t have the bandwidth to read something full of a bunch of corporate jargon. She was gone and everyone knew it, so why did they do this?
Jeff didn’t think he could pilot it. He most certainly wouldn’t let anyone else pilot it, but he also didn’t think he could do it. The memories of her being spaced as he was shot to safety in the escape pod…it made his head hurt. A resounding ringing started up in his ears. It was the silence that was the crux of the horror.
Space was so silent; it devoured noise. If he hadn’t looked when she was thrown into space, he wouldn’t have known it happened.
It wasn’t a grand death like most people would expect for the great Commander Shepard.
It was just the sound of his heart shattering.
Now Cerberus, in all their stupidity, insisted on him flying a ghost of his past.
Fine.
When he took that first step onto the Normandy he almost fell to his knees. He would have broken both his knee caps and probably both his femurs… and probably his hips… it was a close thing.
The deja vu inspired vertigo was too much.
Luckily for him, and the new Cerberus crew staring at him, the pilot's chair was close enough. A couple steps and he was seated.
He took deep breaths. Inhale. Exhale. Inhale. Exhale.
It’s more than she could do last time he saw her. A dull ache, like he was used to these errant thoughts, gripped at his heart.
EDI, an AI , was his copilot. Just… more Cerberus shenanigans. He wasn’t surprised.
Then, Freedom’s Progress. Tali was there and so was she . It was so bizarre; it felt normal. Surely he was dreaming. He was, right?
“EDI, who is that?” Jeff asked, feeling like a big trick was being played on him.
“Scans indicate that it is Commander Shepard,” the AI replied serenely.
“Run that by me again?” He asked. Was the AI playing a prank on him too?
“That is Commander Shepard. Female. 29. She is the captain of this vessel-“
“Wait, what?”
“Mr. Moreau, all the details were laid out in the mission briefing.”
“Obviously I missed some important points.”
“The Lazarus Project was specifically designed to bring Commander Shepard of the Alliance Navy back to life to-“
Jeff tuned EDI out, his eyes locked on the vid screens. Two Cerberus agents led her to a conference room. She was in there for a while.
“Mr. Moreau, your presence is being requested.” EDI announced.
He was supposed to meet her? Of course he was! If they were to fly together again he would probably see her every single day. What would he say? He had rehearsed this moment a million times in his head but he never thought it would actually come to pass. It was all happening so fast.
Suddenly he was in front of those same conference doors. His heart was pounding; it might break out of his ribs at this rate. The doors opened, and in the most dramatic Cerberus fashion, smoke poured out of the conference room. Like a vision, she stood tall with her back to him. He caught a brief glimpse of the Illusive Man. That little shit.
“Hey Commander. Just like old times, huh?” Was the first thing out of his mouth when she turned to face him. A big smile and a look of relief on her face at the sight of him. Had she ever smiled like that before? Wait, did he say something stupid? He already couldn’t remember.
It was like old times. Their old crew was almost back together. Garrus and Tali were there, acting like nothing changed. Kaidan made a brief appearance that rattled the Commander more than she let on. They were all reassuring her that it really was her, not some clone that Cerberus created. Jeff doubted they even had that technology yet... although they did resurrect her...
“It seems like Garrus has finally worked that stick out of his butt, but now he's trying to beat guys to death with it. I can't believe I like the old Garrus better." He told Shepard one day. She laughed. Laughed . Then, predictably, defended Garrus.
It was only a matter of time before someone (Tali) mentioned throwing a party in honor of Shepard. A… welcome back to life party.
Jeff wanted to vehemently decline going. He couldn’t explain how stupid of an idea he thought it was.
How did he tell people it was his fault she died? It would be sacrilegious for him to go.
It’s like inviting a kidnapper to a welcome home party.
And yet… It was so hard to pass up a chance to see her. Sure, Shepard came to visit him, but he did his best not to look at her. His shame ate him alive.
“So you’re coming to the party, right? At 1800 in my cabin, aka the lounge?” Kasumi said, her arms crossed.
“I don’t know, someone has to fly the ship,” Jeff replied, not looking up from his controls.
“I could easily manage it by myself for the night, Mr. Moreau.” EDI, master of subtlety, announced loudly. He glared at the blue orb next to his chair.
“I don’t know. I’m washing my hair or something.” He snapped. Sounding peevish always piqued Kasumi’s interest… he was doomed.
“If I don’t see you down there, I’ll send Jack up to drag you away from the cockpit,” she happily said, pivoting on her toes and activating her cloak. He didn’t know if she left or lingered.
“You know what pisses me off? Calling this the cockpit. Alliance ships have bridges. Asari ships have cockpits. Oh wait. No they don't.” He spoke to himself, or maybe Kasumi. EDI didn’t respond, already understanding that he did this sometimes. Vocalized his frustrations out into the universe. All rhetorical.
Sure, he’d go to the party but he would be fashionably late.
He ended up being multiple hours late. Tali was already plastered, babbling nonsense to Jack and Grunt. The adults (Thane, Samara and Dr. Chakwas) had already turned in for the night cycle and most of the crew was broken off into small groups drinking together.
“Look who decided to join us,” Garrus said, his mandibles flaring in a smile or maybe a smirk. Jeff didn’t have as much experience with turian facial expressions as Shepard had. The turian sat with Shepard and Zaeed. It was a scary trio.
He tried to avoid eye contact with her as he slid in the empty space beside her. The second he shared space with her, his skin began crawling. Jeff needed a drink… or to escape.
A drink literally materialized before his hand.
“Kasumi has been doing that all night,” Garrus tried to explain. Bless that slightly creepy lady.
“Celebrating you not being dead seems like we’re jinxing this whole fucking thing,” Zaeed growled, waving his hand around in some vague gesture. The mercenary looked like he was deep in the drink tonight.
“It’s been kind of a morbid affair,” she said, agreeing with him. “I think Tali just wanted to have a party.”
“She didn’t have to use you as an excuse,” Jeff mumbled, staring at the beer bottle in his hands. He could feel Garrus and Shepard stare into his soul and began picking at the label.
“Alright, Zaeed, you old man, let’s get out of here,” Garrus said.
“I don’t need some fucking baby sitter!” Zaeed slurred, nearly falling out of the couch as he got up.
“Yeah, yeah, let’s go.” Garrus rolled his eyes and herded the man out.
They were alone.
Jeff scrambled to come up with some reason to leave immediately after he arrived.
“Why are you avoiding me?” She asked and he felt her shift in her seat, presumably to look at him. He took a long, loooong swig of his beer.
“I’m not avoiding you. I enjoy our talks,” he replied in a roundabout way.
“Why won’t you look at me?” She was really asking all the hard hitting questions tonight. He fiddled even more aggressively with the bottle.
“I, uh, I can’t.”
“You… can’t look at me?” Shepard sounded, honest to god, hurt by his admission. “Jeff…”
And that’s what did it. He glanced over to her, surprise coursing through his body. She never called him by his real name, always ‘Joker’.
You would think with all the pain he’s already been through, how many bones he’s broken and how many times his heart has already stomped into mush that nothing could really hurt him anymore. The look on her face caused an untold amount of agony. He was immediately trying to figure out how to fix it.
“Let me explain,” he blurted out before he could think better of it. He didn’t actually want to explain. Her eyes met his and… was his heart being stabbed over and over? Or was that a heart attack or was this all normal?
Those eyes were breathtaking. He had forgotten the brilliance of them, the intelligence lying right behind her beauty. He couldn’t even see the scars marring her face, not really. Not when she captivated him so.
“You died,” he said, once more just saying whatever shit was on the tip of his tongue. Shepard kind of cringed. “Ah, sorry, you know that better than anyone else. It’s just… I saw it. You pushed me into that escape pod and all I was thinking was that hopefully you hadn’t broken any of my bones.” It was his turn to cringe at the memory. “Then I turned around and you were floating out to space, not tethered. I could see the air shooting out of your oxygen tank. I still see it every night when I go to sleep.”
She broke eye contact, looking at the empty beer bottle in her hands. Jeff took another big drink of his own. He couldn’t look away though, not when he finally could see her. This new version of her that was so like the Shepard from the first Normandy. Since he was making all sorts of bad decisions, he reached out and placed his hand on hers, stilling her fidgeting. She didn’t pull away.
It was warm. It was human, or human-like.
“I mourned you,” Jeff said, voice much quieter. “I think I loved you and I killed you.”
She jerked her head towards him, and he briefly had the thought that a normal human might have whiplash from such an abrupt motion.
“You can’t blame yourself for the Collector attack,” she said quickly. “I certainly don’t blame you.”
“Okay Shepard, but my point is that I blame me. And here you are... walking around in all your glory like nothing happened. Like everything I experienced actually never happened.” He could hear himself being an ass, but couldn’t stop.
“You make it sound like you wish I didn’t come back.”
“That is so far from the truth. I just wish you were never gone in the first place. I missed you so much… for two years.”
“Well,” she said, a small frown on her face. His eyes drifted down to her lips. “I’m here to stay. Maybe we can work something out.” Jeff pulled her hand from the bottle and slowly slid his fingers through hers.
“I think we can.”
Shepard squeezed his hand, scooting a little closer. His heart leapt up into his throat.
“Okay, ouch , you need to be gentle with me.” Jeff gave her hand a tiny squeeze back. She smiled at him, that unreserved, secret smile that he had only seen once or twice before.
Maybe his dreams would be a little different now, a picture of her smile replacing the images of her still body floating away from him.