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Milano Misfortune
Mikey had a craving only a crunchy cookie with a thin layer of chocolate could satisfy. He walked devilishly into the kitchen, rubbing his hands together as he went to his stash. A good stash is something that’s in plain sight. A box of unsuspecting Grape Nuts sat on top of the fridge, but inside it was neither grapes nor nuts.
Instead it was a delicious stash of sweets.
Mikey got the unsuspecting box down, and looked inside. Darn, he must have eaten all his Milano cookies.
A great melancholy wrapped around Mikey the way the tastiness of a Milano cookie was supposed to wrap around his tongue.
He fell back dramatically against the fridge, careful to avoid the fragile freezer door handle. Why was the world so cruel? Why was this his life? What had he done to deserve such a fate?!
Then, his eyes darted to the top cupboard.
No, he shouldn’t.
Raph’s stash, though vulnerable and not as superiorly hidden as his own, could not be violated in the name of gluttony.
Stop! Stop! He commands his hands as they grasp one of the five kitchen chairs. Have common decency!
With no control Mikey climbed up to the cupboards just to look at Raph’s stash. He wouldn’t take anything. He was just looking, that was all! Unless of course Raph had something really scrumptious...
Some dark chocolate, oof, was that beer? Uh oh naughty Raphie and what is this-
Milano cookies.
With Mikey’s name on them.
Mikey gasped audibly and shut the cupboard door. How? How could Raph do this?
He got off the chair and put it back. He was so disgusted his stomach did this weird thing where it was no longer hungry.
He stumbled out of the kitchen, wounded, shot down, bleeding out. Raph was in the living room. Did he face his thieving brother? Was he strong enough to?
“You!” Mikey said like a cat hisses, pointing at Raph the way a cobra strikes.
Raph was unsuspecting of this confrontation as he watched a sports thing on TV with Donnie. He turned his head and raised an eye ridge. “Yeah?” he asked.
“You-” Mikey choked out the way he should be choking on Milano cookies.
Calling Raph out meant revealing that he had looked at Raph’s stash. The stash he was not supposed to know about if he didn’t want Raph to move to a better hiding spot. Mikey had spent years locating his brother’s stashes and this information was vital for his sweet tooth.
Mikey put his hand down. “You know what you did,” he spat, walking through the living room with his chin high.
“What did you do?” Donnie asked Raph.
“How the hell am I supposed to know!” Raph said.
In The Name of Good Health
“April!” Casey hissed.
A certain dread filled April as she and the turtles turned their heads to face the distressed calls of Casey Jones. He was standing in the hall, the hall that led to the bathroom, but also off to the side as if he could hide in the broad open space.
“Yes?” April asked, she was the one closest in distance to where Casey was so she shot him a stressed look that the turtles behind her couldn’t see.
Casey grimaced with his whole body. “Can you just come here?” he asked. “Please?”
Oh please no, April thought. Not again. Not here.
April, with all the grace she could muster set down the teacup she was helping Leo glue back together. “I’ll be right back,” she said. “Just keep holding it right where it is and the glue should take hold.”
Leo nodded and took the teacup, but the reason April was doing the gluing was because the turtle's fingers were too big to hold the tiny shards in place. She already knew they would need to start over once she got back.
If the turtles didn’t kick them out.
As soon as she started walking towards Casey, he quickly walked down the hall. His slightly bent over position confirmed April’s worst fears. At the mouth of the hall she took a deep breath and let it out slowly.
“It happened again,” Casey admitted as April walked into the bathroom.
Yep, it was her worst fear.
“I think there is something medically wrong with you,” April said, somewhat seriously.
This had to be a medical condition. To make something so large that- God, this was Thanksgiving dinner at her Aunt Margaret’s all over again.
“This is no time for jokes!” Casey hissed. “What do I do?”
April pinched the bridge of her nose. “What do you do when this happens at home?” she asked.
“This never happens at home!” Casey whisper-yelled. “I’m cursed, it’s like my butt can sense when I am using a different toilet!”
“I don’t know what you expect me to do,” April said, the smell was getting overwhelming in the bathroom. Probably because Casey’s medical condition was so long and thick and bumpy that the very tip of it was resting on the inside lip of the toilet seat. “Have you tried breaking it up with the plunger?”
“They don’t have a plunger in here!” Casey said, like this was her fault.
April frowned. Casey was pushing his luck. She could easily go back out to the main room and help Leo again with his broken teacup. Nowhere in their marriage vows did it say April had to help her dear husband unshit their friend’s toilet.
“You need to ditch the attitude,” April warned.
“I can’t,” Casey said, dancing back and forth on both feet. “Because I really think I’m ripe for making that thing a twin.”
“What do you eat? Seriously, what do you eat that makes this happen?” April asked. “Listen, I am going to go out there and ask for a plunger.”
April shook her head and went back into the main room. The turtles were obviously very curious about what she and Casey were doing back there and some (like Leo) were hiding their curiosity better than others (like Mikey).
“Do you guys have a plunger?” April asked.
“Uh yeah,” Donnie said, putting his book down. “I’ll go get it.”
April smiled. “Thank you.”
Donnie retrieved the plunger from the other bathroom and handed it to April. As he did he tried to get a look down the hall. “Everything okay with the plumbing?” he asked. “I know the sink has been slow.”
Behind him, Mikey covered his mouth and looked very guilty.
“Yeah, you won’t want to use this on the sink afterwards,” April said, leaving a very confused Donnie behind.
“Here,” she said, handing the plunger to Casey.
“Oh thank god,” Casey said, taking the plunger like it was his saving grace and not April who had gone out and asked for it.
With all the confidence of someone who has destroyed a toilet that is not his own Casey entered the bathroom and swung the plunger down on the culprit like he was chopping wood.
The plunger bounced back.
“Uhm, we have a problem,” Casey said.
“I’m so shocked,” April said dryly.
Maybe they would just ban Casey from their home and let April visit still.
“The rubber is too soft… and my turd is too hard,” he said, voice quaking.
“Casey, I think it’s time we just face this head on. Ask for a garbage bag and a glove and fish it out of there,” April said. “Especially if you have another one on the way.”
“No, it was just a fart,” Casey said. “Maybe they have something we could stab it with-”
“I don’t like the use of ‘we’ in this context, Casey,” April said. “And I’m not going out there to ask for something sharp to break that thing up.”
“Okay, okay, I confess, I was washing my face last week and a little of my shed went down the drain,” Mikey said, coming up to them with his brothers behind him. “I’ll fish it out.”
Casey slammed the door shut and plastered his body in front of it before the turtles could look. “NO!” he yelped.
The turtles all looked a little shocked.
“Uh, I have it handled,” Casey said. “I just need something to break up the shed- something- something sharp and long! Yeah! And preferably disposable.”
April closed her eyes. “Casey, you are only digging your hole deeper.”
“At this point a deep hole might be the only thing it’ll fit in,” Casey said under his breath.
“Uhm, dude, it’s dead skin, you don’t need a knife,” Mikey said, moving towards the door.
Casey squirmed, using his hips to block the doorknob. “Not necessary.”
“Casey,” April warned.
“Okay okay!” Casey yelled. “It’s not the sink, I laid a massive log in your toilet and now it won’t flush. The thing won’t even budge against the rush of water. And the plunger didn’t even leave a mark on it!”
Leo swiftly turned around (still holding his teacup) and left. April wished she could follow him but damn, she had to stick by Casey now that he confessed.
Mikey pushed forward and opened the door only to stumble backwards holding his face. Raph and Donnie both came forward to look before retreating.
“Do you see what I mean?” Casey asked, pointing at the toilet.
“Hard not to see it when it’s sticking up like that,” Raph muttered, his face scrunched up.
“Casey, I cannot decide if this is a result of too much fiber or not enough. What have you been eating the last two weeks and can you give me the volume in cubic millimeter form?” Donnie asked.
“Yeah, I’ll get right on that Donnie,” Casey said.
“Casey, how could you do this to the place where I secretly eat pizza?” Mikey coughed, waving his hand back and forth.
Raph opened his mouth, but decided last second some roads were better left untraveled.
“I’m sorry, okay?” Casey said. “And if we’re all done making fun of me, does anyone have any suggestions on how to get rid of it?”
“I think it’s been in there so long it has squatter’s rights,” Donnie said, writing something down in his notebook. “Casey, how much soluble fiber do you consume?”
“Fuck you Donnie, and obviously not enough,” Casey said.
“Noted,” Donnie said.
“Anyone else got any zingers they want to lay on me?” Casey asked, thumping his chest. “Huh?”
Mikey raised a hand. “Have you tried giving it three fifty?”
“Ouch,” Casey said, sounding genuinely hurt. “Raph?”
Raph shook his head. “Nah, it’s a low blow.”
“I can take it,” Casey said.
Raph shrugged. “Fine, I guess we know why you’re a silent farter.”
“Okay, that’s rich coming from King Bottom!” Casey snapped.
Mikey and Donnie snickered while April was forced to get in between Raph and Casey. While trying to hold the two boys apart she made regrettable eye contact with the turd, for a moment they were one in the same. Both victims of assholes.
“Casey,” Leo said, interrupting enough that Raph and Casey separated. “I have brought you this. It was once a poker for a fire, but we use it to move dead animals from around the nearby sewers.”
“Leo for the win!” Mikey said.
“Nice Leo!” Casey said, taking the poker and heading for the toilet. “Time to die!” he yelled at the toilet clogger.
“Casey, no!” five voices yelled out in unison as he raised the poker above his head.
Turns out the turtle's toilet was as fragile as her Aunt Margaret’s had been.
Freezer Door No More
Raph had a crick in his neck. He kept rolling his shoulders and stretching his neck. Maybe after breakfast he could convince one of his brothers to give him a massage?
For now an ice pack would have to do. He entered the kitchen and grumbled at Leo’s quiet greeting before grasping the freezer door handle.
And it came clean off.
Dammit, he cursed.
“Raph!” Donnie scolded, having come into the kitchen at the exact right moment to witness everything. “I told you that the handle is loose and we all need to be gentle, you can’t come in here and yank on it.”
Great, he was getting nagged right out of the gate this morning. He didn’t even pull that hard!
“It is really loose,” Leo said suddenly. “I think no matter how careful we are, it was bound to break off on one of us.”
“Thank you,” Raph said, partly shocked to have Leo defending him but he’ll take it.
Donnie scowled while he examined the damage. He muttered something about how Raph is never gentle with their appliances and how he always had to fix things.
“After breakfast I'll help you repair it,” Leo offered.
“Fine,” Donnie huffed, sitting the handle on the table for now. “It’s not the end of the world, but it is the beginning of the end for this fridge.”
With things thoroughly deescalated Raph was able to relax. No one was coming after him. Leo had defended him. Fight avoided.
But why had Leo defended him?
“How are you doing Leo?” Raph asked. “Sleep okay?”
“I slept fine, thank you,” Leo said, sipping his tea.
“Sleep in a little today?” Raph asked. “Have a nice night with Mikey?”
Leo nodded and shifted in his seat. “Yes,” he said.
Raph opened the freezer door from the side and got one of the many ice packs. While he put the heat on Leo he might as well put the ice on himself.
“So you got up late?” Raph confirmed.
Leo nodded.
“But your tea is drinkable already?” he asked. “Sure you didn’t need an ice cube for it to cool down so fast?”
Donnie paused mid coffee pouring to turn around.
Raph placed both hands on the table and leaned in towards Leo. “Are you sure you didn’t maybe pull the freezer handle off and maybe place it back on hoping someone else would take the fall? Did you maybe feel guilty when Donnie started telling me off because you knew no matter how featherlight someone handled the freezer handle it would fall off again?”
“I did find it weird that he came to your defense,” Donnie said.
Leo brought his teacup to his lips and took a long sip. His eyes darting back and forth between Donnie and Raph.
“Did I miss anything?” Raph asked, adjusting his ice pack.
Leo continued to suck on his empty teacup before putting it down. “I think I heard Master Splinter calling for me,” he said, swiftly leaving the room.
“Unbelievable,” Raph and Donnie muttered.