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He passed the exam, which was more than he’d expected, but much less than he’d wanted. Even when you knew you hadn’t put in maximum effort, there was always that little hope that you’d surprise yourself with full marks and glowing praise, but reality didn’t work like that. Donghyuck had studied hard enough to pass, and nothing more.
“We talked about this,” Taeil said, patient. He’d read through the paper that Donghyuck had requested a copy of, taking in the annotations and notes made by the professor. “We knew this wouldn’t be your best, but what matters is that you did it, Donghyuck. You should be proud of yourself. You’ve been struggling, but you still made it to the exam, and you still passed. That’s a big achievement.”
Donghyuck bit the inside of his cheek and nodded mutely.
Taeil reached over the table and patted his hand. “Go home,” he said. “Rest, okay?”
“Okay.”
“And tell Renjun,” Taeil said, patting his hand again. “He’ll want to know.”
-
Depression was weird. Most of the time he was fine, and then, on the odd occasion, he woke up and felt like all he could do was breathe, and even that was more effort than it should be.
It was weird, because he had a good life, a good family, good friends, but depression didn’t care about that. It hit him all the same, and often sent him staggering. It wasn’t pretty, and it wasn’t fun, but it didn’t care. It just happened, and then Donghyuck had to deal with it.
He walked back to his apartment from campus, wondering when the relief would wash over him and make everything okay again. He’d cried about it, privately, in the bathroom in the middle of the night. Wondering if he’d fail, if it would affect his grade terribly, if he’d have to ace everything else to make up for this one exam. It seemed worse at night, of course, because most things did. With Renjun asleep, curled up in bed and dreaming about their future, it seemed too cruel to wake him up and ask for comfort.
And now he didn’t have to. He didn’t need comfort, he just needed to move forward, to keep studying. It was one of his lowest marks throughout his college career, but it wasn’t abysmal, it wasn’t something he couldn’t recover from.
As he walked, his phone vibrated.
Mark: Just saw Taeil. Congrats dude!!! Super proud of u!
Donghyuck: Thanks!
Mark: Celebrate soon?
Donghyuck: Haha maybe the weekend? I’m busy for the next couple of nights
Mark: No problem! See u soon!
But it was a problem, and now that Donghyuck wasn’t blinded by the bone deep dread of waiting for his exam marks, he could see that. Depression manifested in a variety of ways, but for him it looked like this: avoided friends, plans delayed, inevitably cancelled, nights awake, guilt piling up until it was taller than him, until he couldn’t see past it, the dark shape in the corner of his room that grew more malevolent the more scared he became.
He pocketed his phone and kept walking, faster now. He wanted to get home.
-
The apartment was empty, but Donghyuck could smell bergamot and cedarwood, which meant that Renjun hadn’t left long ago, as the scent of his candle was still in the air.
It was comforting. Donghyuck dropped his bag at the door and sighed, letting the tension leak from his posture. Renjun wasn’t there to tell him to straighten his shoulders, so he let them slump comfortably, toeing off his shoes before wandering through to the kitchen to boil the kettle.
What was it Renjun made during the day? Ginger and something. Ginger and honey? That sounded right. Donghyuck searched the fridge for the ginger he knew was hiding away, cutting off a couple of chunks to stick in a mug with hot water and the honey he found (inexplicably) in the breadbox.
When he took a sip of the drink, he found it was better than he’d expected. Inoffensive and sweet.
He was tempted to text Renjun, but just as he fished his phone from his pocket the door opened and Renjun wandered in, a loaf of bread in one hand and a bouquet of pink tulips in the other. He blinked at the sight of Donghyuck, breaking into a small smile.
“Hi,” Donghyuck said, “Why was the honey in the breadbox?”
“Hi,” Renjun said, walking forward to kiss Donghyuck, soft and warm. “Because I needed a reminder to buy more bread. Do you like the tulips? They were half price, and I thought they might brighten up the living room.”
“They’re pretty,” Donghyuck said. He was overcome with something, for the first time in days. When Renjun put the flowers and the bread on the counter, Donghyuck pulled him back for another kiss, deeper than the last, lingering. “I missed you.”
Renjun laughed against his lips. “You missed me? You were only gone an hour.” He pulled back slightly. “You’re home early, actually. Did the tutoring go okay? Did Taeil cancel or something?”
“No, he just said I should go home and get some rest.”
“Ah.” The smile was fading from Renjun’s expression, fading into something he was trying to hide. Donghyuck knew him too well for secrets though, and the lines that bracketed his mouth for half a second spoke of worry. “What happened?”
“Nothing,” Donghyuck said, swallowing back his own worry. He stroked his hand down Renjun’s cheek. “I just, uh, I passed my exam is all. I got the paper back today. I didn’t pass well, but I passed.”
“Seriously? Donghyuck that’s amazing!” Renjun grabbed his face and pulled him down into another kiss, then moved from his mouth to kiss his cheeks, his forehead, his nose, the back to his lips. He was smiling when he finally pulled back, big and bright and happy, the way that always made Donghyuck’s chest ache. “Baby, I’m so proud of you.”
A noise escaped him, small and pathetic. “Really?”
“Of course!” Renjun exclaimed. “I was proud of you for just showing up, the fact that you passed is fantastic, Donghyuck! Aren’t you proud of yourself?”
His throat closed. The truth was, he wasn’t proud of himself. Looking back, he couldn’t help but wish he’d studied harder, worked for longer.
“Donghyuck,” Renjun said, crestfallen. “You look like you’re going to cry.”
“I won’t,” he sniffed. “I’m just hungry or something.”
“Don’t lie to me, idiot,” Renjun said gently. He pulled his sleeves over his hands and rubbed gently at Donghyuck’s eyes. “What’s wrong?”
“I don’t know, I’m just disappointed,” he admitted, pulling away to grab hold of his mug. Drinking the ginger and honey gave him something to focus on, gave him a moment to collect himself. The way Renjun was looking at him hurt, because he looked so small and inviting, and Donghyuck wanted nothing more than to curl himself around Renjun’s frame, nose the skin where his shoulder and neck met, breathing him in.
“Disappointed by what? Your grade?”
“Just… myself.” He put the mug down and rubbed his hands over his face, tired. “I feel like I could have done more.”
“More what?” Renjun was frowning now, the small furrow between his brows that spoke of storms. “From what I saw, you couldn’t have done more of anything. You were trying so hard, Donghyuck, and the fact that you passed is amazing. You were in the middle of a really bad patch, and you still forced yourself to study and to take the exam. For that alone I’m proud of you – you could have come back with a zero and I would still be proud of you.”
“You don’t have to-“
“If you insinuate that I’m lying to make you feel better, I’ll start throwing things.”
He closed his mouth and tried not to cry some more.
Renjun deflated. “Get changed into something comfortable and sit down. I’ll make us some drinks, okay?”
Donghyuck nodded. When he tried to pass, Renjun blocked him briefly, linking their fingers together. He squeezed Donghyuck’s hand before letting go.
-
And as he always did, Renjun knew exactly what would calm Donghyuck down. He emerged from their bedroom in a pair of old sweats and one of Renjun’s oversized sleeping shirts, and just the scent of their laundry detergent brought him a sense of peace he hadn’t realised he was missing. Curling up on the couch and accepting the hot tea Renjun handed him was another step in the direction of not falling into an emotional breakdown, which was good.
Renjun curling up beside him and pressing a kiss to Donghyuck’s neck sent him back a few steps, but slightly sideways. The loving Renjun too much emotional breakdown was another hole entirely.
“Let’s talk about it,” Renjun said against Donghyuck’s neck.
“There’s not much to talk about,” Donghyuck mumbled, picking at a thread on the shirt he was wearing. Renjun’s hair was tickling him, but he didn’t mind. He never minded.
“Are you feeling low again?”
“Not exactly. I think it’s just – it’s just a slow exit.”
Renjun nodded. “It’s okay, you know. It’s okay to have another dip. If you feel bad again you just need to tell me.”
The loving Renjun too much emotional breakdown was drawing closer. “I know,” Donghyuck whispered. He glanced down, but all he could see was the top of Renjun’s perfect head, his brown hair, the slope of his nose.
“I love you,” Renjun said simply, as if he didn’t have Donghyuck’s heart in his hands. “I’ll always be here. Don’t forget that.”
Donghyuck nodded. “I love you too.”
“I know,” Renjun replied. He kissed Donghyuck’s neck again. Then, after a pause, “Your exam marks don’t matter to me. What matters is that you’re safe and happy.”
Donghyuck sniffed and pretended that it wasn’t what he’d needed to hear. “You had a crush on Doyoung in first year, of course you care about exam marks.”
“I had a crush on you in first year, which is why we’re here,” Renjun said, patient in a way he only ever was when Donghyuck was vulnerable. “Since you were content to flirt and then run away, and I had to ask you on the first date. You didn’t forget, did you?”
He’d never forget, but Renjun didn’t need to know that. “Stop trying to pretend you’re not an intellectual gold digger.”
“You know, it’s hard to comfort you when you’re being so annoying.” Renjun sent his words up with a glare, but the smile at the edges of his lips was just as evident as the fondness in his eyes.
“I want your babies,” Donghyuck said.
Renjun burst into embarrassed laughter, just like he’d hoped, and Donghyuck pulled him a little closer, held him a little tighter.
Luckily, Renjun tightened his hold too, and Donghyuck felt slightly less like a pathetic mess. It was hard to feel like shit when Renjun held him like he was cherished.
“If you don’t feel proud of yourself yet, that’s okay too,” Renjun said after a long moment in silence. “I’m proud of you. I’m so, so proud of you, Donghyuck. I’ll be proud enough for both of us.”
-
They moved the tulips into the bedroom that evening, and when Donghyuck woke up in the middle of the night, curled around Renjun, the shape he saw in the corner of the room was a vase of flowers.