Archive of Our Own

Kohane’s jaw nearly dropped as she stared at the super-structure in front of her. The building stretched to the clouds like a skyscraper and had an intricate double helix design that was as fascinating to look at as it was confusing. She couldn’t believe that it was an apartment complex. And that An had now lived here. Alone.

As she continued to stare, both excitement and nervousness welded together to create a weird feeling that shackled her feet to the ground. As thrilled as she was to explore the complex—or at the very least An’s apartment—Kohane couldn’t shake the unwelcomed malignant thoughts that made her stomach churn. An probably had rich neighbors with soundproof walls meaning if something ever happened to her and she couldn’t reach her phone, nobody would be there to help!

Paralyzed, Kohane raised her hands over her eyes and sank to the ground.

Stop worrying, dummy. Just stop worrying. She’s fine… She’ll be fine; she knows what she’s doing…

Battling with her thoughts was never easy, but every time Kohane frustrated herself to victory. This time was no different. Standing up and balling her hands into fists so tightly that her dull nails dug into her palm, she took one step. Then another. And another. Until she was walking up the Penrose-esque dark-colored glass stairs.

“Room two-fifteen, two-fifteen,” Kohane muttered to herself as she passed room after room as she walked.

She didn’t like how the rooms were laid out. Each one was about three or four steps away from one another with a little black platform that barely had enough room to stand on led to the room. Granted, there were two glass walls that went up to her shoulders, capped with a sleek metal railing painted black, but she still thought it was unsafe!

After a long two minutes of walking, Kohane finally reached the pinnacle—Room 215. A quick glance over her shoulder threatened to make her sick. She was very high up, which also made her worried for An. Kohane knew that not everyone had the same aversion to heights she did, but her room was concerningly high. Then again, there was another glass wall higher than the last on the platform that led to An’s room that shielded anyone from falling over the edge…

Kohane felt silly. She didn’t want to worry about An all the time, but she couldn’t help it. Her giant heart wouldn’t allow her to rest if she ever felt like An could be in danger. Maybe that was her curse.

Swallowing hard, Kohane pressed the doorbell and waited. Every second that passed felt like an hour—an endless agony that filled her mind to the brim with worry. But Kohane stayed strong. After all, it was just waiting. She could wait. She could wait…

In order to quell her worries, Kohane hummed the melody to Rettou Joutou, the song that brought both of them together. Once she noticed the song went on a little too long, however, she couldn’t take it any longer. Kohane grabbed the lever and attempted to push the door open.

It was unlocked; Kohane’s heart sank. An never left any of the doors at her old place unlocked. Ever.

Even though Kohane wanted to call out for An, the words were lodged in her throat. She had thought if she called out for An, the murderer or burglar in the house would come find her too. It was an awful, selfish way to think—but her fear overpowered her. Kohane was in complete survival mode.

As she entered, she slid her hand along the wall, quickly finding the light switch and turning it on. However, what she saw wasn’t some horrid crime scene, but just An sitting on the couch, her noise-cancelling headphones on, with her phone in her hands.

Kohane fell to her knees and let out a loud sigh. She placed a hand over her heart and took a few deep breaths. That was the scare of the century—and the fact that, despite all that, An hadn’t noticed her come in still was more frightening. What if she was an actual burglar!

Letting out a little huff, Kohane scurried over to An and placed her hands over her eyes. In one swift motion, An held her iPhone portrait and turned it off with her index finger. She reacted little. She only pursed her lips and hummed.

“Oh shit,” An said. “From those girly hands, you must be Touya, right?”

Kohane blinked, then sighed. “Geez, you’re such a kidder… Guess again.”

There was no response from An for three seconds, during which Kohane was anxious she had done something wrong.

Nibbling on her bottom lip, Kohane said, “Babe?”

“Oh! Sorry!” An said, letting out a little giggle. “I must’ve fallen asleep for a moment! What’s happening?”

“I have my hands over your eyes. I’m trying to make you guess who I am.”

“I know who you are! You’re my babydoll!”

Hearing those words made all of Kohane’s worries dissipate in an instant. At that moment, it felt like she was floating above the clouds. It was amazing to her how An could go from making her worry so much, to where her hair could turn gray, to making her feel as if she was soaking in an oasis of pure bliss. Maybe that’s just what love was like.

Kohane’s hands lowered from An’s eyes and she sat next to her. The two locked eyes, and An’s lips curled into an infectious summery smile that filled Kohane’s entire body with an idiosyncratic warmth that she would never get used to but also never wanted to but also never wanted to be away from. Without thinking, she swung her arms around An and held her close, nuzzling her like a kitten greeting its owner after they just returned home.

“I was so worried about you,” she said, her voice quiet as a mouse’s squeak.

An petted Kohane’s head and then ran her fingers through her wispy sandy blonde hair. “Huh? About me? Why?”

“Your front door was unlocked!”

An’s gaze trailed toward the now-opened door. Closing her eyes, she clicked the side of her tongue against her teeth. “Shoot. That’s how you got in. Sorry about that. I, uh, I forgot?”

An’s lips stretched into a nervous smile; this time, Kohane wasn’t smiling with her. Locking the door was what Kohane’s mother taught her would be the most important thing to do when she eventually moved in by herself. Knowing that An could forget something so basic imbued in her a familiar sense of dread. She had just been given the unneeded confirmation that all of her worries were well-grounded; Kohane hated that.

Biting down on her bottom lip, Kohane sighed. An tilted her girlfriend’s head up with her index finger and pressed their foreheads together. As much as Kohane loved getting lost in her girlfriend’s delicious honey eyes, she couldn’t help but look away this time.

“Baby, talk to me,” An said. “What’s wrong?”

Even though Kohane wanted to express herself, the words wouldn’t come out. She was worried that she would say something that would make An seem simple-minded or that would appear impolite. Sure, An had told her time and time again that they should be able to share everything, but the concept still eluded her with things like this. Kohane loved An way too much to upset her—even if only by accident.

An pursed her lips and pressed a soft kiss against Kohane’s neck. “Play charades with me? Please?”

Kohane didn’t quite understand, but she nodded. She knew that An was crafty and that her suggestion definitely had some sort of deeper meaning.

An kissed Kohane’s cheek and stood, doing a quick stretch before she played. She pointed to herself with both thumbs, then pulled her arms toward her, then pointed to Kohane. Confused, Kohane cocked her head, nibbling on her top lip. An did the same actions again.

Kohane squinted. “You… want… me?”

An’s face lit up like sunrise and she nodded like a bobblehead being flicked. She then continued. She made small motions with her hands, then frowned and placed her index fingers at the sides of her lips. Kohane didn’t get that at all, but she was determined to understand. Kohane was sitting hunched over on the wine-colored couch and peering into An’s eyes as if she was searching for the answers. But none came.

Shaking her head, Kohane frowned. “I don’t get it. Can you do it again?”

An tapped her foot and looked up at the ceiling, evidently thinking over how to convey her message. She repeated the first three actions which Kohane had guessed correctly—You want me—then signed her name, An, in Japanese Sign Language. Kohane smiled. That was something she had taught An many months ago, even before they were together when her deaf cousin was coming over to visit. She was pleasantly surprised that she remembered how to sign her name.

“To sign?” Kohane asked. “You want me to sign?”

An nodded again. Then, she made an exaggerated frown that mimicked a sad clown from a cartoon while dragging her index fingers below her eyes and down her cheeks.

“You want me to sign… what’s making me sad?” Kohane asked.

Clapping her hands, An beamed and nodded. It all made sense now. An was trying to get her to sign what was wrong since she had trouble saying it.

“You might not understand everything,” Kohane said, wearing a small frown. “Some of it might go over your head.”

An signed, I, then spelled the word ‘learn.’ Even though some part of her wanted to contest it, Kohane knew that once An’s mind had decided about something, she’d have a hard time talking her out of it. And she also knew that this would probably be a helpful experience for the both of them. A memory that they could reminisce about later.

Kohane lightly tapped the top of her chest twice. I understand. She thought for a moment, then signed: I’m upset you left the door open. It made me sad.

An responded immediately. “You said that you’re upset that I left the door open and that it made you sad.”

Dumbfounded, Kohane stared at An as if she was some kind of deity that just descended from the sky. She had used so many words that An didn’t know. Had she been practicing by herself this whole time?

Kohane blinked. “What…? How…? You…?”

A giggle like birdsong escaped An’s lips as she sat next to Kohane. She took her girlfriend’s hands and held them, running her thumbs along her knuckles; Kohane enjoyed the sensation. An’s hands were marshmallow-soft and whenever she glided her thumbs along her knuckles, she felt safe and cared for. Slowly, An rested her forehead against Kohane’s and they stared right into each other’s eyes as if they were hypnotic. Kohane knew that she, at least, was already pulled into a deep trance through An’s adoring gaze.

“I just get you,” An whispered. “I don’t need to know all the fancy signs to know what you’re thinking. I can judge by your vibes and… I’m sorry, Kohane. I know it made you worry. It just… slipped my mind. I… I can, um…”

As An’s lips curled into a frown, Kohane cupped An’s cheek, her gaze intense, as if she was in a staring contest. Kohane understood what An meant about ‘judging by her vibes’; she could do it, too. Whenever something was wrong with An, it’d feel like a knife twisting in her heart. It was an unbearable feeling, but looking at An’s sad face hurt more than it ever could.

“What’s wrong?” Kohane asked. “Tell me, An.”

An pulled away and shook her head. “It’s nothing, babe. I was just about to say I can get distracted sometimes, is all. I’m fine. Just… feel bad I made you worry so much. This was obviously a big thing for you.”

Kohane twiddled her thumbs and looked down at her feet. She had forgotten to take her white sneakers off, so she stood and toed them off before walking over to the welcome mat and putting them neatly atop it where they belonged. Kohane reclaimed her spot next to An and nodded. “Yeah, but I’m just a worrywart. You also know that I worry way too much.”

“That’s true, you do, babe. But you also worry about me. Even if it’s little by little, I have to do things that’ll make you worry less. And leaving the door open wasn’t the smartest move. But I was gonna close it! Every night, I make sure both of my doors are locked!”

“Both… doors?”

An nodded. “Mhm. I never actually use the door you came through unless it’s for the view. I’m pretty sure everyone in this building just uses the elevator door. Easier to get around that way.”

“There’s… an elevator door?”

Kohane felt so stupid. Now that she thought about it, she thought she saw a front door to the building. It made little sense to her, though, since in the movies people navigated their apartment complex using the stairs. Or were those motels?

Either way, Kohane hoped that nobody had seen her enter. If anyone did, they probably thought she was an intruder.

“I’m so dumb,” Kohane sighed.

An huffed. “You’re not. Don’t say things like that.” She then patted her thighs. “Up.”

Moving her back against the pillow-like armrest, Kohane threw her feet on An’s lap. An then pulled off her rainbow socks, set them atop the mahogany glass table, and dug her thumbs into Kohane’s soles with the precision and technique of a well-trained masseuse. A sigh of relief escaped Kohane’s lips. This was perfect.

“I didn’t know foot rubs were your specialty,” Kohane said with a lopsided smirk.

An giggled and rolled her eyes. “Oh please. Music is my specialty, baby. This just comes with the ‘Girlfriend Expansion Pass.’ It’s only for you. You should be grateful.”

“I am, I am,” Kohane laughed. “Just this… This is nice.”

“Relaxing, right?”

So relaxing that Kohane was so struck by euphoria that she took a second to answer. “Yeah. Like I said, you’re good at this. A little too good. Are you sure this is your first time?”

An snickered. “Do you want it to be?”

Kohane had to sit and think about her answer. She realized quickly that she wanted it to be. She wanted to be special to An—An’s first girlfriend—but she knew it was probably untrue. An had everything any girl or guy could want. She was talented, social, loved to laugh and play games, got good grades—not to mention that, in Kohane’s opinion, she was a natural ten. But… she wanted to play pretend. For the sake of her own fragile heart.

“No, I’d rather you just have a thing for feet,” Kohane replied.

An erupted in laughter. She obviously didn’t expect that one. “Really? Pfft. Okay. You’re the boss. It’s as you say, then: I’ve never done this before and I have a thing for feet. Now, milady, might I suck these toes?”

Kohane snorted like a pig and shook her head. “Look, you. Don’t… even start. We’re not going there.”

“No feet before marriage. Got it.”

Although she wasn’t sure why that was the trigger, Kohane erupted in unrestrained, shrill laughter, nearly sliding over the armrest and onto the floor. Luckily, An, who was also laughing just as deafeningly, was holding onto her ankles so she didn’t fall. Their laughter mixed into a jovial melody that Kohane adored. But not as much as she adored An.

A solid minute went by before they stopped laughing and were just wheezing and gasping for breath like fishes out of water. Even though she felt weak, Kohane sat up and lunged forward, wrapping her arms around her girlfriend.

“I love you,” Kohane whispered.

“I love you, too,” An whispered back before pressing a soft kiss against her forehead.

An’s cheek’s turned cherry red. Love was a weird thing. When she and An first met, she always felt shy around her. An was the cooler girl who she always wanted to be but lacked the courage to mimic. As they got closer, that shyness faded… until they got together. Now, in moments like this, it was worse than ever.

Kohane wanted to say… something, but she just ended up babbling like a toddler learning to speak. An chuckled and petted Kohane’s head before pressing her hands against her own chest, one higher than the other. Kohane recognized the message instantly. Did you have fun?

Nodding, Kohane mimicked the same motions. Yes, I had fun.

For the next forty-five minutes, the two girls ate the vegetable pizza they ordered and sat around talking about school and music. An thought it was adorable how Kohane would hang onto her every word with a keen eagerness and asked question after question about her daily life. It was obvious she really cared. But that care also weighed like cinder blocks on her shoulder.

An always felt the need to be perfect. Even though she didn’t talk with her mother much after the divorce, whenever she did she’d not-so-politely remind her she’d always need to be on top of everything to secure her future; especially if she wanted to devote her life to music. An hated the venom in her voice whenever she said that word. Way to discourage your daughter, Mom.

So, at school, she joined the disciplinary committee and became a hall monitor from her first day at Kami High so she’d be able to get enough prestige that by her third year her peers would elect her as a Prefect. It would look good on her college application, she thought.

At live shows, she wasn’t just hungry for success—she was starving. Every single opportunity she had to hold a microphone in front of a crowd, she sang, rapped, and danced her heart out. Music was what she breathed for; she wouldn’t have it any other way. And when she made it international, like her father, her mother would see that she wasn’t wasting her life.

No matter what, An wanted to win—to be the best—but she wasn’t sure how to transpose her mindset to her relationship. An understood in a relationship that two people were supposed to be equals, but the way how Kohane could pick up on the mistakes she made so easily and listened so attentively while An struggled to do the same sometimes made her feel inept in a way nobody else could.

Even though she was wearing a sunny smile throughout their entire conversation, An was still stressing about the door. How could she forget to leave it open? She only went outside about an hour ago to snap a picture of the golden sunset for her Instagram and she usually locked it, even though she barely even used that door. Could a notification on her phone really distract her so much that she just forgot about it?

“So what did Akito-kun do next?” Kohane asked.

“Oh, uh, right!” An cleared her throat. “So, he was the water-boy that day and he was running late. He was speeding over to the basketball court. And when I say speeding, I mean speeding. He must’ve been hitting Mach 2 or something. He’s carrying the coolers with the ice and Gatorade, but someone left a pen on the floor. He trips over it and falls flat on his face. What’s worse is that the coolers spill over, so when he gets up, he looks like he peed himself! The entire court was laughing!”

Kohane burst out into a laugh that sounded like an oinking pig that still was graceful in its own way. An laughed with her; how couldn’t she? Kohane’s laughter was the soundtrack of her soul. Whenever she made Kohane laugh, as easy as it was, she felt a blaze of unbridled joy that nothing else could replicate. It was addicting, so she made Kohane laugh every time she could. She deserved it, regardless.

“Is it bad that I can't stop laughing?” Kohane snorted.

An wiped a tear from her eyes and shook her head. “No, dummy. I laughed way harder than you did just now when I first saw it. I was rolling. But then again, seeing Akito in pain gives me joy, regardless.”

Kohane jabbed An in the arm, playfully, her lips stretched into an amused smile. “An, don’t say that. He’s our teammate.”

“Kidding!” An giggled. “Plus, he’s my rival. We may have a temporary truce, but you’ve gotta understand that if we ever had to go mano a mano as MCs, the gloves are coming off. I’m going beast mode.”

Still smiling, Kohane rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah.”

“Hey, it’s our rivalry that’s gotten us both this far,” An said, reaching forward for a slice of pizza. However, once she realized it was the last slice, she offered it to Kohane. “Oh. Sorry, baby. Here. You probably should get the last one.”

Kohane shook her head. “No, no, it’s fine. If you want it, take it.”

It might’ve been selfish, but part of the reason An had offered Kohane the pizza was to seem like a better girlfriend, so having her turn it down felt like a punch to the gut. She wouldn’t throw a hissy-fit over it, but she had to hold back a frown. An should’ve expected it, though. Kohane was always as generous as a charity worker; especially with her.

An tried again. “I insist. Really. I want you to have it.”

Kohane pursed her lips and took the slide from her. She then carefully split it in half horizontally and handed An the top piece. “Here. We’ll share it.”

An took the piece from her and pointed to Kohane’s. “But that’s the part with the crust. You hate the crust.”

“Yeah, but you do, too. It’s really no big deal, babe… I promise. The one with the crust is fine for me.”

Even though An knew she was supposed to feel happy, but she felt like she had just suffered defeat instead. Kohane was the one making her feel that way—and An hated it. But she hated the fact that even being girlfriends was a competition to her infinitely more.

Chiding herself in her head for her failure and feelings, An nibbled on her pizza until it was all gone. Kohane, who had finished hers before An, placed a hand on her shoulder, her lips stretched into an eager smile.

“It was good, right?” Kohane asked.

“Yeah.” An nodded. “It was. I’m gonna run off to the bathroom real quick, have a quick shower, then I’ll be right back with you. Cool?”

“Mhm.” Kohane placed her hands in her lap. “That’s fine with me. I’ll be right here. You get your shower.”

An placed a soft kiss against Kohane’s cheek and stood. “Thanks, baby. I’ll be quick, I promise.”

Without looking back, An hurried into the bathroom, shut the door, and locked it. Now that she had a moment of solitude, she slid to the floor against the door and placed her hands over her eyes as if trying to hide away from the world. Today, she had been nothing but a disappointment—at least to herself. She needed the time away from Kohane to just… think. But the thoughts were anything but pleasant ones.

She berated herself in her head over and over, and got frustrated that she was doing it, so she berated herself for that, too. An felt like a dog chasing its own tail, and no matter how hard she tried, she couldn’t stop. The only thing that stopped her from crying was her building rage, which erupted in a quiet but meaningful way. Determination.

This wasn’t the end. Small losses in the battle don’t mean the end of the war, though, who An was at war with, she wasn’t really sure. She hated the idea of being at war with Kohane, especially over something as silly as ‘being the better girlfriend.’ So, she supposed she was at war with herself. All An wanted to do was break the old habits that shackled her to her misery, but she wasn’t sure if that was a good thing. Her competitiveness was the fuel for a lifestyle of success; she didn’t want to forgo it. But she didn’t want it to come out with Kohane. Maybe. At least not for their relationship. Maybe.

Relationships were hard. Too hard. An had never had a boyfriend or a girlfriend before, but movies and video games always made it seem so easy. Nobody told her that love would be so stressful.

“Am I good enough for her?” An whispered to herself, pulling her legs against her chest. “What am I doing? I am good enough for her. She wouldn’t be with me if I wasn’t. I’m good enough, I’m good enough, I’m good enough… You’re good enough, An… Breathe, breathe…”

Taking a few deep breaths, An repeated those words—You’re good enough, An—like a mantra. Even if some part of her didn’t believe it, she had to convince herself of it. Or else her feelings might tear her and Kohane apart. And that was the scariest thing that she could think of. So, she had to make sure that it didn’t happen.

An lightly slapped her cheeks. “You can do this, An. Don’t… Don’t let Mom get to you. You can do anything you set your mind to. You’re good enough. You’ve got this. You’ve got this.”

An stood and rubbed her temples as she walked over to the sink. Her Apple Watch alarmed, meaning that it was time for her medication. She pulled a nearby plastic stool toward her with her foot, stood on it, reached into the too-high white cupboards, and grabbed her bottle of Adderall XR. An took one tablet, swallowed, and the bottle back where it belonged before kicking away the stool and turning the tap on to wash her face. As she did, however, she looked into the mirror and frowned. There was a small crack right in the middle of the glass where her face was. And it looked like it would get bigger.

She’d need to get that fixed later.

After her fifteen minute long shower, An was at liberty from negativity. She had thought a lot about her feelings and she felt like she had come up with a solution which could work for both of them. Possibly. She knew that communication was the most important part of a relationship, so if she was ever going to get past her feelings of inferiority and unworthiness, she’d need to talk it out with Kohane.

An finished drying her hair and placed her towel on the rack. Instead of her pajamas, An changed into the star-speckled black two-piece string bikini she kept in the bathroom. Looking into the broken mirror, she struck a few poses and smirked.

“Very hot, An,” she said to herself. “Kohane’s going to love this… And hopefully she stays happy after everything.” An sighed and slapped her cheeks again, harder than last time. “You can do this, An. You can talk it out with her. You’ve had your meds. You’ve planned out a few things to say in the shower. But most important of all, you have your drive. You’re An Shiraishi; nothing can hold you down. You’ve been through worse… You can do this…”

The more An encouraged herself, the more she believed in herself. All she had to do was talk with her own gemstone of a girlfriend who doted on her all the time. And An could talk with Kohane for hours on end. Things would be fine. She hoped.

There was only one way to find out.

As An stepped out of the bathroom, she smelt meat, cheese, chili powder, and black pepper. Odd. She continued to sniff as she walked out into the living room where Kohane was eating a taco—definitely al pastor since those were the only kinds she ever ordered—while watching vlogs on her phone.

“Babe?” An called, cocking her head.

Taking a quick bite and swallowing, Kohane set the half-eaten taco on the table and pulled out her wireless earbuds, swinging her head around to look at her girlfriend. “Hey, I was just hun—”

Kohane went silent as she eyed An’s attire, and her face lit up red like Christmas lights. An smirked. Her charms had worked. An turned around and struck a pose with her hand on her hip and one foot a little behind the other. Just to further play with Kohane’s heart, she stuck her tongue out and gave her a flirtatious wink.

“What do you think?” An asked in a honeyed voice.

Kohane, eyes wide, babbled nonsense, clearly trying to process the situation and find the right words. After a while, Kohane slid her hands up her face to cover her eyes. However, that didn’t last for long as she continued to peek at An through a small but obvious space in her fingers. That was adorable; An swore that her heart was going to melt.

“You can look, you know,” An chuckled. “It’s not like I’m in lingerie. Just a swimsuit. We’ve gone to the beach together before. You’ve seen me in a swimsuit.”

“Yeah!” Kohane squeaked. “But in a one piece! Not a two piece!”

An snickered and rolled her eyes. “Yeah, yeah. Because the fact I have an outie and not an innie is so titillating, I know. Ah, the midriff, the most exciting part of the female body.”

Kohane slid down on the couch using some weird caterpillar-like maneuver so that everything below her eyes was resting against the back pillows of the pouch. Sneaky Kohane, however, continued to not-so-innocently peek at her lover.

“S-Shut up!” she shouted with the ferocity and volume of a sneezing kitten. “You’re embarrassing me!”

An let out a small laugh. “Pfft. I’m taking you to the pool. I want to show you around first, though. I haven’t had the chance to give you the tour yet.” An paused. “Okay, well, I had it, but we just ended up talking on the couch. But you can’t blame me for that one. My adorable girlfriend showed up out of nowhere.”

“S-Stop!” Kohane whined as she flopped onto the couch, her arms and legs splayed out. “My heart can’t take it!”

“Wow, Kohane.” An snickered. “That’s how people react to compliments. Totally. You’ve got it.”

An psyched herself up in her head as she walked over to Kohane and extended her hand. Kohane took it without hesitation and held it like a child holding a stuffed bear’s paw. An helped her to her feet and Kohane picked up and scarfed down the rest of her taco.

“Ready?” An asked.

Kohane nodded. “Ready.”

Even though they had spent so much time in the living room already, An led Kohane around it, anyway. Her living room was the hues of the morning sun against the clouds, beautiful creams and grays that meshed well together in stylish waves along the walls.

“This is my flat screen,” An said as she pointed to the television on the wall. She then stooped down and ran her hand along the base of her PS4. “And here’s my PS4. So, I sit on the couch and enjoy a prime gaming experience. Or I sit on the couch and check my Twitter and Instagram. Stuff like that. Here’s the room where I can relax as much as I want. And as of today, hang out with you.”

“I can see that,” Kohane asked with a small smile. “So, do you just play Kingdom Hearts?”

“Always Kingdom Hearts,” An said as she stood up. “You know me so well.”

“Well, that's all you’ve been talking about recently. I can sort of guess.”

“Yeah, yeah.” An pressed a soft kiss against Kohane’s cheek. “We’ve got more places to go through.”

Kohane nodded and An took her out of the living room into a small winding hallway that doubled as An’s own private planetarium. As they walked, Kohane’s eyes lit up with wonder as she stared at the intricately painted stars on the dark eggshell walls, her mouth wide open the entire time.

“Woah…” Kohane mused.

“I know!” An said with enthusiasm, looking back at her girlfriend. “Really, really cool, right?”

“Super cool!” Kohane cheered; her voice faintly echoed off the walls. “And that’s so cool!” Out of nowhere, though, Kohane’s ardor faded and her expression mimicked that of a sad puppy’s. “I, um, I have a question, though.”

“Hm?” An stopped in her tracks. “What’s up?”

A moment passed before Kohane answered. “Do you really have the money to afford this? I mean, this is obviously a super high-quality apartment. The rent has to be super high, doesn’t it? I don’t… want you to struggle, sorry. I guess I’m worried that… I dunno, it might be difficult to afford in the future.”

Kohane’s worries were something she shared. She had only been living in this apartment for two weeks, but it still felt surreal that a place like this could be her new home. However, her father assured her they could cover it. They were upper-middle class, and it wasn’t like An spent a lot on things that weren’t music-related. Plus, Vivid BAD Squad’s, their group’s, popularity was really increasing. And so did the money in An’s bank account.

So, An nodded. An honest answer. “I can afford it. Don’t worry. Dad’s helping me pay, and you see the views on YouTube, right? Our latest song just hit twelve-thousand views! And that’s not counting what we make from Niconico, live shows, street performances, and the dog-walking I do sometimes. It’s about three-hundred and fifty thousand a month, and that’s a tough goal to hit monthly, but I’ve got it covered. I’m okay, baby. You don’t need to worry.”

Still hesitant, Kohane nodded. “O-Okay! I’ll trust you… But, um, if you don’t have enough, I don’t mind—”

“No!” An turned around and grabbed Kohane’s other hand. “Don’t even say it. I won’t take your cut of what we make. In VBS, everyone’s supposed to be equal. That means equal payouts. I don’t need you to pay for me.”

“B-But!”

“I said no!”

Tears rolled down Kohane’s porcelain cheeks. As An watched, she felt like a dark cloud had hovered over her entire world. She knew Kohane could be as fragile as a baby bird sometimes, and she still raised her voice at her. She was the one who made Kohane cry.

That feeling of unworthiness that she had battled against in the bathroom came back, armed with a new mistake to destroy her mentally with. It came with hatred, both for the feeling and for herself, and no matter how many positive thoughts An tried to force, the sight of her girlfriend’s tearful face brought on a far more overpowering sadness.

An wanted to stay cool, but she couldn’t hold her emotions back any longer. She cried, harder than Kohane, as she pressed her forehead against her girlfriend’s and clutched her hands as if she was trying to crush fruit.

“I’m so sorry, Kohane!” An wailed. “I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry… I’m so… sorry… I didn’t mean it…”

Kohane sniffled. “I-I know… Just… Please don’t shout at me… It hurt… I’m sorry…”

“I know, baby.” An went in for kiss after kiss; Kohane barely reciprocated. “I’m really sorry… I just… Ugh!”

Letting go of Kohane’s hands, An turned away, stooped down to the floor, and slapped her hands over her eyes. It was a feeble attempt to stop the tears, but when she realized it wasn’t working, she cried even harder. It had been years since An had cried; she thought by now would’ve been out of tears, but she must’ve guessed wrong. She was so pathetic.

Out of nowhere, An felt an arm pull her closer and a familiar warmth envelop her. Sniffling, she lowered her hands and turned her head to see that Kohane was holding her and resting against her. Even though she was still crying, Kohane was smiling; An couldn’t understand it. She hurt her. The only way she could’ve smiling was if she was putting on a brave face. An hated it.

“Don’t”—An realized that she was raising her voice again, so she lowered it into a weak whisper—“smile for me… Please, Kohane… You don’t have to always look after me… If you want to be sad, be sad…”

“I’m not smiling for you,” Kohane said, throwing her other arm around her and holding her close as she rested her head against her shoulder. “I’m smiling because, in a weird way, I’m happy… I can’t explain it, An… But… I’m just happy that I’m with you… And you’re not afraid to show me when you, um, when you cry… So, I’m happy… I think…”

That was a painfully optimistic misunderstanding of a situation An found so horrid. Her tears trailed the way to her successful, stronger self; crying meant she was weak again. An was convinced that Kohane was just trying to find some good in the situation. She couldn’t stand for that.

An placed her hands on her cheeks and wiped her tears with her thumbs. “Don’t… do that. You’re mad, right? Be mad at me.”

Kohane shook her head and pecked An’s lips. “Uh-uh. I’m not mad or sad… I’m happy because I say so. But you could make me happier if you told me what was wrong.”

Kohane was good. And An was trapped. It wasn’t like she wouldn’t tell her, though.

“Can we… wait until we get to the pool?” An asked. “Please? I promise I’ll tell you when we get there. Swear on everything.”

An needed more time to prepare. She had forgotten some of the lines she rehearsed in the shower and she couldn’t remember what order her points were supposed to be in. Kohane didn’t contest An’s suggestion. She stood and gripped her tear-covered hand.

“Tell me the way and I’ll take you there,” Kohane said, her voice soft and sweet like taffy. “Trust me.”

Rubbing her eyes, An pointed forward. “You keep going… that way, and it’ll be the last room on the right.”

An wasn’t sure how to feel about this. An wasn’t sure if she was feeling at all. Her tears had already dried and there was a void in her chest. Even her grip on Kohane’s hand was slackening. Though, despite that, An still tried to figure out the right words. But no matter how hard she tried, they weren’t coming.

Kohane stopped in front of the door that led to the pool. “Is this the room? There’s one of those floaty things on the door. A buoy, right?”

“Yeah,” An said. “This is it… And you’re right, it’s a buoy.”

Kohane took the ring buoy off the door and grinned. “I’m taking this. Just in case… I’m… Cool Cautious Kohane.”

Somehow, as simple of a joke—if it even was one—as that was, An snickered. Amidst the emptiness, Kohane brought a spark of happiness; An was sure that with a little longer with her the flame of her love would light the way to a new emotional dawn. At least, that’s what she wanted. An was already tired of feeling nothing and feeling like nothing.

An’s grip tightened around Kohane’s hand once more and Kohane looked back at her.

“Ready?” Kohane asked.

An nodded. “Ready.”

With her confirmation, Kohane opened the door and walked outside with An. Heavy rain pelted against their skin like bullets, but neither girl really cared. If anything, An found it to be perfect pool weather. However, when her eyes fell on Kohane’s sopping clothes, An tugged her hand.

“Hey! It’s raining! Your clothes!”

“It’s fine,” Kohane said. “Um, hang on…”

Kohane shed her scarlet, bunny-speckled sweater and denim shorts, folding them neatly before walking over to one of the umbrella-shielded beach chairs and setting them down. An’s cheeks turned as pink as a cherry blossom tree in bloom. Even though Kohane’s underwear was a simple ash-colored cotton set, An couldn’t help but feel like she was viewing something sacred.

Kohane walked over, her cheeks matching An’s as she took her hands. “W-Why are you staring? You’ve seen me in my underwear before.”

“Y-Yeah!” An choked. “Not while we were dating, though!”

Blinking Kohane, paused for a moment, then burst out into that familiar piggish laughter which An loved to hear. “Oh wow. That… I just got an odd sense of deja vu.”

“H-Huh!?” Then it hit An. They had nearly the same exchange minutes prior. She chuckled. “Oh, yeah. Wow, uh, that sure is something.”

“Yeah. So, do you want to sit by the poolside?”

“Mhm. But… this time I’m leading the way, okay? Even if it’s just a few steps.”

An led her over to the poolside and they sat, dipping their feet in the water. Casually, she wrapped an arm around her girlfriend, who leaned against her. An took a deep breath. It was now or never.

“I guess we should start, right?” An asked.

“Yeah.” Kohane kissed her neck. “But take it at your own pace. Please. If you need more time to think about how you feel, take it.”

More time to think about how I feel?

An wasn’t sure how much good that was going to do now. No matter how much she tried to order her thoughts, they came in an emotion-powered hurricane that still somehow made her feel numb. An was just going to feel it out; there was no other way around it.

Sighing, An started. “Well, I guess I should start by saying I really, really didn’t mean to shout at you back there. It was a big mistake—maybe one of the biggest I’ve ever made—but it felt… I dunno, patronizing, in a way. It’s… something characteristic to me, I know. And it’s dumb just…”

“It’s not dumb,” Kohane said. “If it affects you, it affects you. I’m sorry if I made you feel that way. I only suggested what I did because I want you to keep this place. I… see the work you put in, An. At live shows, during street performances, with our shoots, with video editing, managing our social media. You’re always giving one thousand percent… Your drive is absolutely amazing. You deserve to live in an amazing place like this; I just wanted to ensure that it was so. I still get allowances from my parents, so I really wouldn’t mind.”

“I know, I know. But you put in a lot of work for VBS, too. Before we met, you only sang in choir class, right? But to make my dream a reality, you became my partner and went on stage with me in front of all those people. And you sang your heart out… Even from day one, you’ve been doing so much for me.” An placed a hand over one of Kohane’s and ran her thumb along it. “And I… I dunno. Other than making you laugh and being supportive, I don’t know all that much I’ve done for you.”

Kohane pursed her lips, then frowned. “But An… being supportive and making me laugh is just enough for me. I mean, you look out for me, stand up for me, even order for me when I’m too shy to order myself… And so much other stuff. But even if you just made me laugh and supported me, I’d be happy… I… I love you for you, An. I mean, the things you do for me are nice, but… I’ve always… Okay, can I make a confession?”

From Kohane’s crimson cheeks, An could make a good guess about what she was going to tell her, but she wanted to hear it, anyway. “Go ahead.”

“Right, so, um…” Kohane nervously tapped her fingers together. “I’ve… I’ve always had this puppy love for you. From the moment I met you it just… I was like, ‘wow, look at that girl, she’s so cool, I want to be just like her!’ And then, um, it went from wanting to be just like her… to wanting to be with her after a few days… I loved—love—everything about you. You’re so patient, driven, hard-working. Cool, too. I just… You’re amazing, An. There, I said it. You’re so amazing. I was smitten with you from the moment we first met. That’s how amazing you are.”

An wasn’t shocked at all. It was just as she expected. Even back then, Kohane was obvious. However, she wasn’t happy. She barely felt anything.

An stared up at the blackened evening sky and pondered how horrible of a thing irony was. That last part, being cool, An wasn’t sure if that was her at this point. She was weak and lame. And she knew if she really loved Kohane, she had to let her see the true her—even if that meant breaking her heart.

“I’m not cool, Kohane,” An said, her voice desert-dry. “It’s an act.”

“What do you mean?”

“Well,” An bit her lip, “like, you know, dude… It’s an act. I’m not cool at all. I just… try to seem cool and chill, you know? But I’m not. I have, like, issues, Kohane.” An threw her hands up and they crashed down against her thighs. “I’ve… never told you about my mom, right?”

“Never. But I’ll admit I’ve always been curious about her.”

“Well, then I have some stuff I need to get off my chest. I think it’ll put… everything in perspective.”

Placing her hand atop An’s shoulder, Kohane said, “Go for it.”

An was both as prepared as she could be and not prepared at all. The words had been lodged in her throat and she choked up for a few seconds. Closing her eyes, An swore under her breath and squeezed her fingers together into two touching fists. A tap on her shoulder caused An to open her eyes. Kohane was smiling and signing… something.

“I don’t know what you mean,” An said.

“If you have trouble saying it, I want you to sign it.” Kohane placed her hands atop An’s shoulders. “At least the start. You can do this, An. I believe in you.”

“Yeah, but I don’t know all the words.”

Kohane’s lips stretched into a lopsided smile. “You’ll learn, won’t you?”

An wasn’t sure how she felt about Kohane’s words, but she was shocked to find that she hadn’t found them patronizing. Maybe she had just given into the somewhat-discomforting feeling that Kohane’s excessive care gave her because she really loved it. A lot. She just wanted to be more independent. Maybe. That was also something she had to bring up to her. Maybe.

She didn’t know anymore.

“Um, okay…” An raised her right hand and folded it into a fist, leaving her thumb, index finger, and pinky finger out. She then slowly brought her pinky finger and thumb in. “That’s ‘mom,’ right?”

“Yeah, you got it! Just like that.” Kohane clapped for her; An gave a little awkward smile.

“Okay, um…” Since she didn’t know the word for signs, she redid the action for sadness that she did during charades. “That.”

“Hm. Okay, well, the sign for ‘sadness’ is this.” Kohane placed her index finger and thumb below her eye and flicked her wrist from side to side as she pulled them down her cheek. “Like that. Anyway, you’re saying your mom makes you sad, right?”

“Yeah, but um…” An fumbled with her hands. “What’s ‘relationship’ again?”

Kohane raised her little finger and her thumb on different hands. “Though, uh, that’s ‘boy’ and ‘girl’ together. I don’t know if it’ll change for us. I’ll have to ask Shoko when I next see her. If, uh, if it comes up. I still haven’t told anyone about us.”

An hadn’t either. And she didn’t really intend to soon. Their business was their business. But also understood that they’d need to come clean to the rest of Vivid BAD Squad and their families, eventually. Eventually.

“Okay, well.” An mimicked Kohane, putting up her pinky with one hand and her thumb with the other. She then placed her index finger and thumb beneath her eye and dragged them down her cheek. Our relationship is making me sad. “Um… Yeah…”

“Oh.”

The two girls fell silent as tension loomed in the air like a thick fog. An wasn’t even sure what to say—or sign for that matter—that would make the situation better. She stared up at the dark sky, pensive. She ran scenario after scenario of things she could say in her head, but she didn’t like how any of them turned out. An considered it a miracle that the rain could conceal her tears. She didn’t want Kohane to see her cry again.

Kohane rested her weight against An. An didn’t react. She wanted to throw her arm around her and comfort her, but she couldn’t. For some reason, her arm wouldn’t move.

“Does that mean that you want to break up?” Kohane asked,

An’s heart stopped. That question, while something she expected, was something that felt like murder to hear aloud. Oddly enough, An already had an answer. And it scared her.

“Um… can you… you decide after I tell you everything?” An rubbed her eyes. “If you don’t want to be with me after everything, I understand it. But please hear me out. I… have something I want to tell you.”

Kohane didn’t respond. She turned away, pulled her feet out of the water, and hugged her legs against her chest. An thought she saw Kohane nodding her head, though, so she started.

“Well, um, my mom and I don’t have the greatest relationship.” An said. She nibbled on her lip, thinking of the next thing to say; in the end, she decided to start at the beginning. “She left me and Dad when I was ten. Went off to America with this rich guy. Millionaire, or billionaire, or something. I don’t want a relationship with my step-dad, so I don’t really know. Even from when I was really little, she was always pushing me with academics. I was one or two grades ahead of the other kids. And that was with me having trouble picking stuff up, by the way.”

An fell silent and took a deep breath. Recalling the story was a hellish experience for her. Every memory was as vivid as it was painful. She felt right in front of those textbooks, learning fractions at six again. She could also hear her mother screaming at her with the ferocity of a roaring lion whenever she got a problem wrong. An wiped her eyes.

She continued. “When I was eight, I was diagnosed with ADHD. Sorry for never telling you, by the way. Um, anyway, I think she realized that was the reason I couldn’t focus as well as she’d liked. So, from then on, when I was studying I was doing it under analeptics. I’m supposed to take Adderall twice a day normally, but for hours a day I was hooked up to an IV… and, um, it was really scary. Mom always wanted me to be the best. And I wanted—want—to be the best. I took on her dream. That’s why I always get top grades at school and try so hard with music. My grand ambition pushes me to be the best and I… I can’t stop.”

Kohane threw her arms around An and squeezed her like a stuffed animal. An reciprocated, throwing an arm around her and pulling her close. She heard Kohane sniffling—this must’ve been a lot for her. To comfort her, An patted her back.

“An, you’re so strong,” Kohane said, before placing soft kisses along her neck and cheek. “So, so strong. I… I can’t believe that happened to you. I’m so, so sorry. Oh gosh, that’s so awful… I’m so sorry.”

An let out a dry chuckle. “Why are you apologizing? This was before I met you, silly. Way, way before. And Mom and I still talk.” Begrudgingly. “It’s cool. It’s… in the past.”

“I know, but I still want to say sorry. I don’t know if she’s ever said sorry yet, but I want you to know at least I’m sorry. And I’m here for you when you need more.”

“You’re such a sweetheart, Kohane. I… Gosh, what did I do to deserve you?” As Kohane opened her mouth to answer, An pressed a finger against her lips. “Before we go into a cute couple talk, I want you to listen to the rest, okay? Please.”

An pulled her finger away and Kohane nodded and said, “Okay. Keep going. I’m listening.”

“Right.” An took a deep breath. “My mom just… took off one day. I don’t think she could take me and Dad anymore, especially since I was showing more interest in music than becoming a doctor, or lawyer, or whatever she wanted me to be. When we talk… she tells me I’m wasting my time with music, but it’s all I want to do with my life. I think some part of me wants to prove that I can do it… And some part of me wants to prove that I’m worth her time. It’s confusing.”

Pausing, An looked at Kohane. Her butterscotch eyes were focused on her and brimming with resolve. Once again, she was taking in every single word. That made An happy, considering how important her struggle was to her. She pondered if she should kiss Kohane’s forehead, but decided against it. No cute couple talks meant no cute couple activities, too. Not until she had finished talking, at least.

“I still have the same competitive spirit she gave me,” And said, “and I use it for everything. It gets… lonely when you’re the only one like that. Akito is the only one I think kind of gets the same pain. That drive and ambition—that fight in you to be the best—few people have that. And Akito and I are rivals, so we never, like, talked about it. But then, one day, a beautiful blonde girl and I stumbled into another world. And it changed my life forever.”

“That’s… me, right?” Kohane asked, a little confused.

An huffed and smirked. “Yeah, duh. When we met, I didn’t think much of you. I thought you were cute, but not much else. In fact, I was more or less pretty shocked we ended up in another reality where there were Vocaloid characters talking to us. But you told me something I’ll never forget. ‘If you don’t try, it’ll never happen.’ That was in response to me telling you I wanted to make an event that’d surpass RAD WEEKEND—something so many people told me was impossible. You believed in me. You believed I could achieve my dream. It was… nice.”

“Yeah, I did.” Kohane let out a nervous giggle. “But I didn’t even really know what RAD WEEKEND was.”

“Yeah, I know. But that was the start, I guess. The foundation of how I came to appreciate you. I made you sing, remember? And instead of refusing, you were brave and took the opportunity. And you also decided to become my partner, having never sung on stage before. To help me fulfil my dream. I get now that you might’ve had a crush on me this whole time, but you were—are—brave, Kohane. One of the bravest people. And you care about me so much. And that’s kinda scary.”

A dry chuckle pushed past An’s lips. She knew she was getting to the big part—the rift that was keeping them apart. She hoped that her talk with Kohane would at least loosen the chains around those mental locks, but she wasn’t too sure. But like Kohane told her: if you don’t try, it’ll never happen.

“I’m scared because I don’t know if my competitive nature is good for our relationship,” An said. Hunched over, she pressed a thumb against her forehead and fell silent for a moment, lost in thought. “What I mean to say is I feel the need to be the better girlfriend. You’re the perfect girl for me, Kohane. I love you. But you can make me feel inept sometimes and I hate it. I may be good at being,” she made air quotes, “‘cool’ or whatever, but you’re better at being a girlfriend. You can remember everything I tell you, you can pay attention all the time in a long conversation. I just… can’t.”

An slid away and placed her hands over her eyes. Once again, she tried to stop the tears, but couldn’t, which made her cry more. Kohane moved closer to her and took her tear-covered hands, giving them a gentle squeeze as she stared right into An’s crying eyes.

“That’s okay, An,” Kohane said. “I… I understand now, yeah? I understand why you can’t. And I understand why you feel you need to. But it’s not that big of a deal, An. I like you for you, like I said… I—”

“You don’t get it!” An barked as she pulled her hands away and stood, turning away from Kohane. Though, once she realized she had shouted at Kohane again, she cursed herself in her head. “Shit, sorry. I mean,” she lowered her voice, “you don’t get it just… Everything for me is a competition, Kohane. Even when I try not to make it so, I can’t help it. It’s how I’m conditioned, I think. When you do nice stuff for me sometimes, it makes me feel bad. I feel like I need to outdo you, and that’s… not what a relationship is. I’m tired of that feeling. It makes me nothing but miserable! I’m tired of feeling like second place with you! I’m tired of having to feel like I’m in second place at all!”

An’s tirade brought on mixed emotions. On one hand, it felt like a weight had finally been lifted from her shoulders, but on the other, she felt icky and vindictive for feeling so bitter towards Kohane. Maybe An hadn’t used words that entirely indicated what she wanted to say, but she felt better. It was better than stewing in her own negativity and suffering behind a fabricated smile, anyway.

An continued. “I… I just don’t get me. When we made Vivids together, I felt like I had found the one—the perfect partner—and when we became girlfriends, that feeling solidified. I know in my heart of hearts that you’re the one for me, Kohane. But often I feel like a dog behind a cage looking at you. I feel trapped and never able to fully engage in our relationship because of how competitive I am. And… it hurts me now that… I get hurt when I spend time with you sometimes… Because other than my dad, I don’t really have anyone I let in. Not even Mizuki. You’re one of the few people to see the real An Shiraishi. The one that’s scared and lonely… and hurt.”

A deep sigh from the bottom of An’s soul escaped her lips. An paused, preparing herself mentally for her last words. She was putting all of her cards on the table.

“So if you want to break up with me,” she stared, “I don’t mind. It’ll hurt; I won’t pretend like it won’t. But I can understand it. Because I’m broken, Kohane. I’m a mess.”

An closed her eyes and took a breath. Somehow, although it was raining, the air felt cleaner and clearer than ever before. Finally, An could breathe, even if it was only just one sigh of relief. It would suffice.

However, her eyes burst open once she felt a force in her stomach and she lost her balance. She stumbled backward and the last thing she saw before she fell into the pool was Kohane’s frowning face. Had she done something wrong? No, this was her answer. She wanted to break up with her.

An closed her eyes, and a tear trailed down her cheeks. When she opened her eyes next, she was staring at the mosaic dolphin playing beneath the crystal chlorine-filled waters. Some part of An wanted to drown, but she had decided against it. Instead, she came up out of the water and gasped for breath. Kohane giggled and tossed the buoy into the pool, her cheeks tinted red.

“You look pretty when your hair is wet,” she said. Then she frowned. “But, um, sorry for pushing you without notice… That wasn’t very nice of me.”

Squeezing the water out of her hair with one hand and keeping herself afloat with the buoy with the other, An forced a smile. “No, I… I get it. If you wanna break up, you wanna break up. That’s cool. I… respect that decision.”

Kohane placed her hands over her mouth and shook her head. “Mm-mm! What!? I’m not breaking up with you, An! Oh my gosh, I should’ve explained before I pushed you.”

An blinked. “Wait. Wait, wait, wait. You’re not?” That was a relief, but An had more questions now. “Then, yeah, why did you push me?”

“U-Um…” Kohane’s gaze fell to the ground, and she tapped her fingers together. “B-Baptism?”

An was even more confused now. “You seriously did not just give me a baptism out of nowhere, church girl. I’m still agnostic, you know. I don’t think it works like that.”

“Sorry! Not an actual baptism! Maybe… I’ll still pray for you later, um…” Kohane swallowed and looked at An. However, her initial nervousness had faded and there was a distinct confidence in her gaze and seriousness. The powerful one she had whenever she was on stage, singing and dancing her heart out at events. “What I mean is, I notice that you’re in your own head a lot. I think it’s like you said, your mentality is holding you back. So, I pushed you in to stop yourself from thinking so much. And it worked, I think. An, I think you just need to think less. You’re so worried about being this and that, and I think you stopped being An in a way. Sort of. Even if it’s just for me, I want to see the real you more often. And I’m sure I do. I don’t believe that the real you is uncool.”

“But I am,” An said, frowning. “I really am not as cool as I act. I don’t get why you won’t believe that.”

Kohane hummed. “Well, you do all your mixing and production by yourself. That’s cool, right?”

“Um, I guess.”

“And the you that helps me with my math homework when I don’t get it, that’s still you, right?”

“Yeah, it is?”

“I think that’s cool. And the you that holds me when we cuddle and kisses my cheeks and neck, that’s also you.”

An raised an eyebrow. “Kohane, I don’t get where you’re going with this.”

Kohane sighed, her lips curled into a small grin. “An, I’m saying that there’s plenty that makes you cool. So you have some flaws. So do I; so does everyone. But those flaws won’t make me love you any less. And I think one of the greatest things about flaws is that you’re able to work on them. Your flaws don’t have to define you like the good things about you do. And they don’t to me. When I think of you, I think about all the good you’ve done for me, for your dad, for Akito and Touya, for your school, for everyone. You do so much good, An. And I think you should be proud of that.”

An waded toward the pool edge and placed her hands on top of it. “Yeah, but… my competitiveness—”

“Doesn’t have to be a bad thing at all,” Kohane said. “I know it’s tearing you apart now, but was it ever as big of a problem as it is now that we’re together?”

“No.” An shook her head. “But it was still a problem. Like I said, I barely had anyone to talk about it to because nobody would understand. Nobody would understand what I suffered through. What I suffer through. And better yet, everyone just sees me as this perfect, high-achiever. And… that’s honestly how I want them to see me.”

“Because that’s who you are, right?”

“Yes! Wait, um, no? Maybe.”

Kohane fell silent. She sat and dipped her feet in the water, kicking them around as she looked up at the now-clear night sky, deep in thought.

“An, is this ‘grand ambition’ being the best thing your dream or your mom’s dream? I need you to be honest with me. There’s no wrong answer to this question. Take as much time as you need to think it over.”

That was something An had never actually considered before. She had been doing everything her mother had told her to do, but she hadn’t given that much thought to it. She knew that she wanted her mother to acknowledge her, though, because she wanted to feel like mother and daughter again or to stick it to her, she wasn’t entirely sure. However, the answer came to An; she was kind of surprised by it.

“I think… it’s my dream,” An said, looking down at the water. “Forget Mom. How Dad could touch so many hearts with his music, how he told me that people said seeing his shows and meeting him changed so many lives—I want to do that, too. That’s why I want to make an event bigger than RAD WEEKEND—because I want our music to make tons of people happy. Yeah, my mom told me to join the disciplinary committee, but I think… I would’ve done that, anyway. It’s allowed me to help at sports clubs and stuff. And I like being a hall monitor, too. And yeah, my mom told me to get good grades or I’ll be a failure and she always forced me to when we lived together, but I like getting good grades and studying, anyway. I feel accomplished when I get a test back and I see I did well.”

Kohane’s smile turned lopsided. “See? That ‘cool’ An that you’re thinking that you’re not, that’s still you. You’re also a social person, too, aren’t you?”

An shrugged. “Well, yeah. I help dad out with the shop a lot and I’ve been doing that for a few years. Plus, I was always a pretty outgoing kid when I was allowed to play. So, yeah, I’m social.”

“Like to tell jokes?”

“Love to tell jokes,” An chuckled. “Especially with you.”

“So, where’s the fake An again? I can’t seem to find her. How you’ve described yourself is the way you usually are around everyone, isn’t it?”

Kohane was absolutely right; An couldn’t contest her words at all. The An that An had convinced herself was a facade was just who she was. Maybe she didn’t want to believe it because in her head she thought she was too similar to her mother’s wishes for her, but it was just who she was. An had mixed feelings about the revelation, but the negative feelings soon faded, replaced by happy ones. At least the looming possibility that she was living a lie that lingered no matter what she had done had vanished.

But there was still one problem.

“What about my competitiveness?” An asked. “You never really touched on it. You just said it wasn’t a bad thing. I disagree. It’s isolating me from everyone. People feel like an objective. Even you. I don’t like competing with you, Kohane. At least not in terms of her relationship.”

Kohane pursed her lips, then shrugged. “Then don’t compete. I know that might be easier said than done, but you don’t feel the need to listen to my problems now, do you? You don’t feel the need to compensate for my help?”

“Well, not really. But now that you mention—”

ohane raised a hand. “No. I don’t want it, at least not right now. But see, you didn’t feel the need before I mentioned it. That means that you can have moments where I can help you and you can avoid thinking about one-upping me later. So, it’s not a matter of whether you can, it just means that you’ll have to learn how to do it more often. Plus, we can compete in other ways! Like we can see who can write the best lyrics and who can do a handstand for the longest! Little stuff like that. But, An, I’m your girlfriend. I don’t really have much interest in being better than you in anything regarding our relationship. I think the most important thing is that we make each other happy.”

“Funny. I thought that earlier, and I was like: why can’t I get it, you know?” An sighed. “You make it sound so simple, but it’s just… not simple for me. But I think I get it a little more. When I hear you say it, it hits me differently. But I don’t know.”

With a hum, Kohane slid into the pool. Gently, she took An’s hands and held them as she looked right into her eyes. The summery smile she wore was soothing to An’s soul; she could tell that it was genuine, too.

“An,” she started. “I may not have all the right words to say, so I’m sorry. I’m doing my best. But regardless, what I’m trying to say is I’m going to be here to support you no matter what. Even if I can’t break through, I’m willing to go to someone who can. A counselor or a therapist, maybe. But no matter what, I’ll be here. Because I might not have the same ambition and drive you have for a lot of things, but I do for you. Because I love you, An. I love you for you. No matter what it takes, I promise we’ll get through this together. I would do anything for you.”

An broke down in front of Kohane with no hesitation. She threw her arms around her and cried onto her shoulder. Maybe a few minutes ago, she’d feel ashamed and upset about crying in front of Kohane, but now it made her happy. Kohane might not have known it, but those words were the words she needed. It was an odd feeling knowing that she was both loved by and would never be discarded by someone other than her father, but she knew that was a problem of never letting others in. Kohane broke through that sky-high wall An put up to keep people out with vigor. And An couldn’t be happier about it.

Not wanting to ruin her moment of ecstasy with words, An simply placed kiss after kiss against Kohane’s lips, closing her eyes and enjoying the sensation. Kohane reciprocated, letting out little saccharine giggles after each kiss. It was perfect. For both of them.

After about a minute of nothing but kissing, An pulled away and wiped her eyes with her thumb, laughing as she looked at Kohane. “God, you’re so amazing. Thank you, Kohane. For everything. Just… for listening. We will get through this. And I… sort of feel better already. Maybe with some rest, the bad feelings I get will be completely gone. At least with you. I... have a lot to think about now. With how I’ve been living my life, who I am, and all that stuff… But I don’t feel lost anymore! I feel happy knowing that I was me the whole time.”

Kohane placed her hands on both sides of An’s face and pecked her lips, rubbing her cheeks with her thumbs afterward. “That’s good, An. I’ll be here with you to help you figure it out. Please, talk to me about anything at all that bugs you. I’m not just your girlfriend, but I’m your partner, too. We can rely on each other. Always.”

“Okay, good. But it has to work both ways, babe. If we’re taking steps to being equal, you’ve gotta come talk to me when you feel sad, too. And I’ll always be there to listen. Because I…” An bit down on her bottom lip and blushed. “Because I love you, Kohane. And saying that… makes me really happy, like I’m soaring in the sky. I love you, I love you, I love you!”

There weren’t any feelings of inferiority accompanying her words. The only thing An felt in that moment was pure, raw love. Kohane really had made a big difference.

“See,” Kohane said, pecking her nose. “Progress.”

“Progress,” An repeated. “Let’s see if it sticks. I hope it isn’t just a spur-of-the-moment thing, though. I hate feeling inferior… and I think from today on, I’m going to try to move past feeling negative and not worth it. Our talk made me realize that I really would’ve still been going down this path with or without my mom. And while she’s been a big influence on my life, I won’t let the way she makes me feel worthless control me anymore. Or try to, at least. I’m gonna call Dad and talk to him about it. And I have you to help me too, don’t I?”

“You do.” Kohane threw her arms around her and squeezed. “And I don’t think it’ll be a spur-of-the-moment thing. Heck, I’m going to do everything in my power to make your life happier. But I have faith, An. I know things are going to work out for you. I just know it. And I’ll be right beside you the whole time.”

An started to tear up again, but she couldn’t help it. After all this time, she had met her match. Someone who could match her ambition with the same fervor. And that person’s ambition was to make her happy and feel loved.

What more could An ask for?

After the two girls played in the pool for about thirty minutes, they ended up back on the couch again. An was tired and fell asleep, curled up like a cat next to Kohane who was looking at pictures of cute dogs from the animal shelter she worked at part-time on her phone. Suddenly, her phone rang. An’s dad. She answered.

“Hey, Kohane,” he said. “How are things going with An?”

Kohane looked at the sleeping girl next to her, smiling. “She’s a-okay, Shiraishi-san! She’s asleep right now, though, so I have to be quiet. We had fun today. And you don’t have to worry about anything. An has this whole living by herself thing covered.”

He laughed. “That’s good. I’m outside. Are you ready for me to pick you up?”

Kohane hummed. “No. I think An would like you here. There’s something I think she wants to talk to you about.”

“Really? How are you going to get home then?”

“I’ll walk. Or take a taxi.”

An’s father hesitated. “Are you sure?”

Even though she knew he couldn’t see her, Kohane nodded. “Certain. I’d rather have you here with her for now than taking me home. I’ll get home by myself. Just trust me.”

“Okay,” he said, “but be sure to call your mother and let her know that you’ll be a little late.”

“I will. See you.”

Kohane ended the call and stood. However, the moment she did, she felt a light tap against her thigh. An grumbled and rolled over, looking up at the ceiling and yawning. Kohane couldn’t help but gush over how adorable she found An. In her head, of course. With An’s father fast approaching, she didn’t want to get lost in her sweet words and An’s cute reactions. Not when they could be caught.

“Leaving already?” An asked.

Kohane nodded, grabbing her still-damp clothes from atop the whirring grey table fan and dressed herself. “It’s getting late. Mom is going to worry about me. I’ll text you first thing when I get home and I’ll come visit really soon, though. I promise.”

An scurried over to her and wrapped her arms around Kohane’s stomach from behind, pressing kiss after kiss against her cheek. “Okay, baby. Thanks again for today. I feel way, way better. Be sure to get home safe. I love you.”

Breaking free from An’s grasp, Kohane grabbed her hands and kissed her lips. “Love you, too. Now, I’ve really gotta get going.”

An went in for two more kisses. “Yeah. See you.”

Kohane let go of An’s hands and made her way toward the door. She walked backward, waving at An, who was waving back, until she bumped against the door. Kohane turned around and opened it with a little happy sigh. Stepping out of the apartment, Kohane felt like she was leaving something behind. She couldn’t explain what—but she felt good. Maybe it was some kind of baggage or something.

Pressing her back against the wall, Kohane waited until she heard a click from the other side of the door. She turned the handle for good measure.

Click, click!

Locked.

“Good girl,” Kohane whispered to herself, smiling like all was right in the world.

By the time that Kohane had arrived home, the clock struck ten. She had sent her mother a text before, but she would be late, but she knew she probably had made her worry to death. By now, she’d probably be in bed. Her father was on a business trip, so she must’ve been all alone. And crying, more than likely.

“Mom, I’m home!” Kohane shouted. “Mom!?”

There was no response. Kohane frowned as she toed off her sneakers and made her way up the stairs. She could hear the faint sound of sobbing throughout the dark, opulent hallway. Kohane booked it to her mother’s room and pushed open the door just enough so she could peek through a small crack.

As expected, her mother was crying on the bed, her blonde hair strewn about as she buried her face into a pillow. The sight hurt, especially since she knew she was the reason her mother was in so much pain. But Kohane was strong. She donned a smile and sneaked into her room. Once she was in front of the bed, she tapped her on the back.

“Boo!” Kohane shouted.

Her mother jumped up with a little shriek, but started laughing. Looking at her daughter, her mother placed her hands atop her daughter’s shoulders and pulled her into a tight hug. Kohane reciprocated, patting her mother’s back.

“You’re here, Kohane,” she wept. “You’re… finally home. Welcome home, Kohane… I was so, so worried...”

Every so often, Kohane’s mother’s overprotectiveness would drive her up a wall. But after everything An had told her about her mother, she couldn’t be more thankful for it.

Kohane gave her mother a little squeeze. “I love you, Mom. I’m sorry I’m so late. I didn’t think that it would be such a long walk, but there was construction going on.”

“It’s okay.” Kohane’s mother placed her hands on both sides of her daughter’s cheeks and rubbed them with her thumbs. “All that matters is that you’re home safe. I’m just happy that you’re here now.”

“It won’t happen again, Mom. So, don’t cry, okay?”

Kohane knew that was a near-impossible task for her mother, but she still wanted to tell her she shouldn’t. After worrying about her so much, she deserved to rest easy. She had told her she could take care of herself before, but her mother had trouble believing it. She couldn’t blame her. Kohane was a tiny fifteen-year-old on the big, scary urban streets of Tokyo. So, for her, she decided that this week she’d spend more time at home.

“I’ll try,” her mother said. “I just get—”

“So worried?” Kohane finished for her, raising an eyebrow. “I know. But I’m okay. I always come back okay.”

Her mother chuckled. “You do.”

“Mhm!” Kohane nodded and gave her mother another squeeze. “And Mom, thank you. Thank you for caring about me and looking after me. I don’t know if I show it enough, but, um, I really want you to know that I love you a lot. And that I’m really happy that you’re in my life.”

Kohane’s mother sniffled and laughed. “What brought this on, Kohane?”

“I just wanted to let you know. I just feel like I’m so lucky to have you.”

The two hugged for a few more seconds. Kohane’s mother laid back down, pulling her stuffed bear close to her chest. She closed her eyes and Kohane kissed her cheek, running her fingers through her hair.

“I’m going to go to bed now,” her mother told her. “Be good. No staying up past twelve. And try to come home earlier next time.”

“I will,” Kohane giggled. “Love you, Mom.”

“Love you, too, Kohane.”

Kohane tiptoed out of the room and shut the door with the force of a gentle breeze. She then hurried over to her two-toned coral and peach-colored room across the hall and flopped onto her army of newly acquired stuffed animals. She pulled her phone out of her pocket and texted An.

Home now. ٩(＾◡＾)۶

An’s response was instant. 88888! I was so worried! I’m glad you’re home okay! Can we call? Please!? (✦థ ｪ థ)

A laugh escaped Kohane’s lips as read An’s message. Opening her camera, she brushed a few stray hairs from in front of her face before calling An on FaceTime. As soon as the phone rang, An answered, greeting her with a smile as bright as platinum shimmering in the afternoon sun.

“Hey!” An said. “How was the walk home?”

“My legs hurt,” Kohane laughed. “A lot. But other than that, I got home safely. How did things with you and your dad go?”

An rolled onto her back, holding the phone up a bit to where An could see the top of her indigo pajamas which were decorated with small galaxies and kittens. An forced a very obvious pout and Kohane giggled.

“And you’re pouting. Why?” Kohane asked.

“You never told me you were an opp! Dad told me he put you up to checking on me! And the whole time you never told me! I thought it was weird that you just showed up out of the blue! What the heck!?”

A small laugh escaped Kohane’s lips. “Well, we make a great super spy team, don’t we?”

“I’d say yes if, you know, you two weren’t using that super spy technique on me.” She rolled over on her stomach again. “It never even occurred to me you weren’t just visiting. I get it, though. Dad’s worried about his little girl. We sat around and talked for a long time, though. It was nice. I think he’s going to come over more often.”

“Oh? That’s good.”

“Yeah, it is. I think I need it right now.” An sighed. “After everything.”

Concerned, Kohane frowned. “How are you feeling now? Still feeling good.”

“Oh, I’m doing great, actually.” An smiled. Even though Kohane could tell that she was forcing it a little, the bright look in her eyes proved she wasn’t lying. “I feel… way, way better after our talk. And I, um, I did something brave…”

Kohane blinked. “Oh? What did you do?”

An took a deep breath and beamed. “I told Dad about us! And he said he was so happy for us!”

Kohane had the urge to scream. Dropping the phone, she placed her hands over her mouth. She was brimming with joy and would’ve probably been bouncing off the walls if her mother wasn’t in the other room. Though she could barely hold back the excited shrieks that escaped through the cracks in her fingers.

Laughing, An rolled onto her stomach and set her phone down. She propped herself up with her elbows and nodded atop clasped hands. “I know. That’s so cool, right?”

“It’s amazing!” Kohane whisper-shouted, her hands still over her mouth. She reached for her white stuffed unicorn, Sprinkles, and held her close against her chest. “I guess that means I’ll probably have to tell my parents soon then, right?”

“You’re not worried about it?” An asked, cocking her head. “Dad and I aren’t religious, but…”

“They’re progressive. And they know I’m gay.” Kohane shook her head. “Don’t even worry about it. I’ll tell them when my dad comes back from his business trip. Still, I’m so happy for you!”

“Oh! That’s good! And, um,” An bit her lips. “Dad and I are going to therapy together, too. And I’m going to see if Mom will come. Even if it’s just on a video call. I explained everything to him, about how I felt, and he said that it might be good for me to go see a professional. He said we don’t have to go a lot or anything. Maybe two or three sessions total. I’m a little nervous, but I’m also excited.”

Kohane understood. She hadn’t gone to therapy before, but her talks with the school counselor had been nerve-wracking until she had gotten to know her better. She had faith in An, though. She knew that this would just be another mountain for her to conquer.

“Get excited,” Kohane said. “I think it’ll be good for you, too. You’ll be able to live happier.”

“Hmm, yeah. But you already make me so happy, I don’t think I could get happier.” An giggled. “And yes, now we can have a cute couple talk.”

“Not fair.” Kohane let out a fake yawn. “I’m so tired.”

Rolling her eyes, An said, “Yeah, yeah. Faker. You’re lucky you’re the most adorable girl in the world.”

With red cheeks, Kohane placed her hands over her head and smiled. “And you’re lucky you’re with the sweetest girl in the world.” A real yawn escaped Kohane’s lips. and she frowned.

“Time for bed?” An asked.

“Sadly. I think I tired myself out walking home.” Kohane laid against her pillow and fluttered her eyelids. “Can you sing to me to sleep, babe?”

“Sure, baby. What do you want?”

Kohane’s answer was instant. “Rettou Joutou.” She gave An the best pair of puppy dog eyes she could. “Please!?”

A sweet laugh escaped An’s lips. She hummed, then nodded. “Okay. But you owe me later. I want Traffic Jam tomorrow. Now, close your eyes and rest, sleeping beauty.”

Kohane did as instructed and closed her eyes, allowing herself to be hypnotized by the enchanting sound of An’s voice. The melody was so spellbinding that Kohane hummed along. Through and through, the two of them were Vivids, even when Kohane was falling asleep. They always had to perform together.

Like usual, Kohane hung onto every word, taking in how beautiful An’s voice sounded, even without a backing track. The last thing Kohane heard was An telling her goodnight before drifting off. That alone gave her pleasant dreams.

Kohane knew that An thought she was the perfect girl, and she felt the same about An, too. No matter what, An would always be Kohane’s ‘perfect girl.’

Her An. And to keep An happy was her own ‘grand ambition.’ No matter what, Kohane was going to see it through, even if it took blood, sweat, and tears.

It was all for An.