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Hyunjae loves Juyeon.
Juyeon holds him like he’s precious, like he’s glass that might break, or like he’s a butterfly that might fly away. Tight but gentle, Juyeon is gentle to him always. When he looks up as he lays in Juyeon’s lap, Hyunjae, even when it’s a bad day, smiles. Juyeon squeezes his shoulders with that charming boyish smile on him that reduces Hyunjae to a puddle of love.
Hyunjae flushes when Juyeon looks at him. His cheeks become pink, as pink as the cotton candy that Juyeon eats. His tongue becomes pink too when the sugar melts into it, licking his lips as he searches for any remnants. Hyunjae can only watch. He wants Juyeon to eat him.
He wants to write love songs everyday for Juyeon. Scribbles notes in his half unraveled notebook that he carries and writes down everything he feels in. The binding is breaking, pages falling out every other day. He holds onto it though, because it contains everything he’s ever felt for Juyeon. Precious, more precious than anything else. Hyunjae wants to sing for him one day, sing these words to him to show him how much he loves him.
gentle hands
soft
i love him
please
he looked at me and i
i crumbled
i love him
But Juyeon never needed a reminder from Hyunjae to know how much he loved him. That much was clear enough. No need for words when smaller hands cling onto Juyeon whenever they can. No need for words when Hyunjae’s eyes shone warm spotlight onto him. No need for words when he looks at him like he would give him the world, and he would.
And when he interlocks their fingers, tingling underneath Juyeon’s as he feels the calloused pads upon his own, he can’t help but flutter his eyelashes. Overwhelming ecstasy when Juyeon looks at him. The world around him crumbles and he crumbles too until the only one left standing is Juyeon. The eternal sunset fades in and Hyunjae, he feels like he can’t breathe until Juyeon is the one to blow air into his lungs. Because Juyeon, he is life himself.
Funny things happen when you’re in love. So irrevocably in love. Every song becomes about him, every love song was written for him. Hyunjae feels like he is standing right beside the very center of the world, Juyeon occupying the middle because he revolves around him. Hyunjae relates to every love song ever written. How could he not when Juyeon showers him in a love so much greater than anything ever written, read, visualized, or sung.
Another funny thing happens. Hyunjae tries to contain it, but his feet naturally flop up and down on his bed when he talks to Juyeon on the phone. Honey dripping through the phone makes Hyunjae feel like he’s on a sugar high. Sunwoo knocks on his door to tell him to stop moving his feet because it’s loud with all his squeals and his flopping but Hyunjae shuts the door and locks it too. Honey drips again, laughing from the other end of the line.
Hyunjae’s favorite part about Juyeon’s physicality has to be his hands. Those gentle hands that enveloped his warmth and the only hands that have discovered every part of his body. Conquered every part of his body. The only ones that Hyunjae trusts enough to restrain his own in fluffy pink handcuffs for. Juyeon’s mouth ghosts on his skin, goosebumps starting up and down his legs when he gets closer and when he moves away. The only one that has ever taken him. The only one that Hyunjae wants.
The heart locket that Juyeon gave him on their second anniversary is cold against his skin. It’s always cold, its metal, but it never bothers him because it’s a constant reminder of his love. Of Juyeon’s love. And Hyunjae is never tired of being reminded of that fact. He wants the locket to be so cold that it burns into his skin, branded by his love. He loves Juyeon’s marks, flowers blooming purple and dark red onto his skin. His thighs. Flowers on his thighs all the time, because Juyeon loves them. The kind of flowers that you hide from your parents and your little brother.
His little brother. Juyeon loves his little brother. Hyunjae might love that the most out of everything Juyeon does. Sunwoo is bright sunshine. Sunwoo is laughter. Sunwoo is chocolate ice cream on a hot summer day. The only one other than his love that he would die for. Sunwoo is his other reason to live. And nothing makes his heart ache from so much happiness than to see Juyeon taking care of Sunwoo. It makes him think, think about their own family. One day, maybe, they can take care of someone together.
Hyunjae can’t wait for the clock to strike 7:30 every morning. His neck cranes when he stares at the corner of his street. He waits. Waits every morning for Juyeon to come around that corner with his old bike. The one that is perfect for two people. Juyeon arrives, pedaling towards him and Hyunjae feels like a dear in headlights. Hyunjae closes his eyes, hands around Juyeon’s waist, “hold on tight” so Hyunjae does. He holds tighter than Juyeon probably meant for him to, pressing his face against the soft hoodie on his boyfriend’s back. Sometimes, no always, Hyunjae wished that they would never arrive at school. Just keep on riding circles around his neighborhood because he doesn’t want to let go. This feels perfect, just perfect.
“I am yours forever” Hyunjae tells him. He traces heart shapes onto his skin, his arm. Juyeon breaks out into smile when he says that to him. Hyunjae would tell him “I am yours forever” forever if it meant that Juyeon would always smile like that when he did. He wants to live forever with him, leave everything they have here. Maybe Hyunjae would bring Sunwoo, but after that he wants them to be a little family. Somewhere on the outskirts of town, maybe farther. Maybe even another country, or another world. Another stratosphere. He doesn’t need anything else than Juyeon. He is home. Home like apple pie smells, and socks discarded on the floor, and overgrown weeds on the lawn. Home just like he wanted.
It hurts to love Juyeon though. The slaps sting when Hyunjae’s father hits him. Nothing worse than that. Yet. The concealer on his elbows and knees rubs away throughout the day and Hyunjae has to rush to the bathroom to cover up again. They bruise from knocking onto the floor when he begs his father to put away his gun because he tells him he is going to kill Juyeon. And Juyeon. Juyeon pretends to overlook the bruises, because Hyunjae doesn’t want to bring it up or make a deal out of it. But Hyunjae can see the way his forehead reddens and the vein pops out.
His father’s office is his least favorite place. Because it’s covered with cross signs and posters that exude everything that is against his love. He hates it when he has to go to Sunday service and watch his own father get up on the podium as he spew hate at his own son. Hyunjae shifts uncomfortably as he tries to look anywhere else but into his father’s eyes. And he wishes Juyeon could be here with him, but he knows the church might burn them at the stake, or lynch them, or throw stones at them until they curl up and die. So he can never bring Juyeon here. Because everything his father hates is everything Hyunjae loves.
But everything fades away when he sees Him. Him, with a capital H. Juyeon. When Hyunjae sees him, all the angry reds and the hurt blues in his eyes wash away. Like clear water, pearlescent. The feeling of being embraced by him is the best remedy to any sickness. His smell: woody and rich, like you are endlessly running in a big forest. His warmth: radiating with heat transferring into him. His presence: in Juyeon’s arms are the only place Hyunjae feels safe.
Juyeon says “run away with me” as he takes his hand in his own and tugs. Hyunjae wants to go, wants to leave everything behind, his father, the church. But even though Hyunjae talks relentlessly about wanting to escape this cruel earth, he is not nearly brave enough to do it. He shakes his head and it takes him a while but Juyeon understands and pulls him in for a hug. Hyunjae likes knowing that his boyfriend would run away with him to escape Hyunjae’s demons, even if that meant leaving all the perfectness of his own world.
Not like him. Juyeon is not like him. Juyeon has two parents, a mother and a father. They love him, they really love him. They even love Hyunjae, and they invite him over to dinner. And Hyunjae goes, and he never gets threatened with a gun. Juyeon never got beaten by his parents, his skin is smooth and clear and devoid of any bruises. His whole life, no bruises. And Hyunjae cannot fathom that. They have a garden. They have clean marble floors. They have two stories in their house. They have a swing set. Hyunjae makes sure to take two showers before he goes there because he doesn’t want them to smell the stench of nicotine that lingers in Hyunjae’s house.
Landing in a bed of daisies, that’s what it feels like to love and be loved by Lee Juyeon. The wisps of the leaves and the flower petals swirl around you as your weight lands on top of them. The ground underneath is sturdy as you land and it doesn’t hurt. It just feels nice to know the ground is always there and the you won’t fall down down down into the crust. Hyunjae is never scared to fall anymore, because he knows Juyeon is always there to catch him. He lets himself fall, he lets himself trust for the first time.
Hyunjae likes to tuck flowers behind Juyeon’s ear. He thinks it looks really pretty contested against the dark black of his boyfriend’s hair. Juyeon’s hair is fine silk, slipping through his fingers. Fluffy, airy, whimsical when the wind blows through it, sifts through the strands as if mother nature herself cards through his hair. Hyunjae wouldn’t blame her though, for his Juyeon is beautiful. Even the most lustful and breathtaking gods and goddesses would bow at the sight of his Juyeon. And Hyunjae wholeheartedly believes this.
He believes this because in the morning light of his bedroom, Juyeon is ethereal. Because with the light filtering in through the soft white curtains, Juyeon’s face is perfectly framed with light. Like a halo. Like he would look great with wings. Hyunjae looks up at him from where he is propped out by his elbows on Juyeon’s chest. He traces his name into his skin. Juyeon traces his own name into Hyunjae too. He wants to stay here forever, doesn’t want to go to school, doesn’t want to sneak back into his house. Juyeon kisses his forehead like he knows what he’s thinking. Telepathic.
Juyeon is looking at him and “you’re beautiful”. Hyunjae looks at him, blank stare. Never did he think he was even decent looking. Never did Hyunjae doll himself up or look at the mirror and nod confidently. He watches Juyeon do that in the mirror sometimes and it makes him smile. Hyunjae never thought he was beautiful because nobody ever told him. Nobody until Juyeon. And Juyeon makes him feel beautiful. Actually. He does. Juyeon makes him feel loved, and warm, and safe, and pretty, and and and, he runs out of words, but that’s exactly the point. Juyeon makes him feel everything all at once. The perfect amalgamation of all emotions, good and bad and hurt and sadness, all at once. Juyeon has turned his life upside down. Juyeon makes him feel like he’s never felt before.
There’s no way to explain this feeling that Hyunjae feels, and he feels stupid because he can’t find the words. Hyunjae just loves Juyeon. And that’s the extent to what can be said because nothing else quite justifies the absolute crescendo of waves in his heart.
Hyunjae loves Juyeon.