Chapter Text
— Chapter 1: learn to live with the unimaginable —
The boy is barely smiling. Adorned with gold details, white silk, turquoise gems, and luxuries of sorts, all sparkling and twinkling with the morning sun, but the boy is barely smiling as he takes his seat and looks down towards the rest of them, towards the audience.
Surely no one should look that bleak and grim on the day they are to ascend to the throne. The area below him, where the honoured guests are seated, where the highest ranking officers of Lanling Jin are seated, looks like it had been casted over by dark clouds.
But further down, the people applaud as tradition is carried out, the people cheer as he recites his oath, the people throw flowers as he waves, but none of it alleviates the heaviness in the air, nothing erases the events that had led them to this day.
Regardless, they indulge in the feast served before them, they lift their cups in honour of the new sect leader of Lanling Jin. Praise fills the air as small talk blooms across the floor, each of them carefully avoiding certain names, certain words.
Xichen sits quietly in his seat, he doesn’t have the guts to face Jin Ling. To congratulate him feels wrong, to say anything feels wrong because what is there to say?
The events at Guanyin Temple had spread like wildfire, but all the public knows is that the Lan sect had played a part, along with the Jiang sect and Nie sect, in exposing the evil that lurks within the offices painted gold, that they had taken him down once and for all. And isn’t that only the tip of the iceberg? The heroic, climatic end of a tale that Xichen didn’t know he was part of, that he had been a puppet to like an idiot, that had turned his life upside down, split him open and hung him out to dry. Truly a tale he wishes he could erase.
So, Xichen stays silently in his place, occasionally responding to the toasts of muted gratitude. Gratitude that he discards of, because he doesn’t deserve it, because he doesn’t want it, because he hates what it refers to.
His heart rests in his chest with a burdensome weight, hanging above the pit of despair that had settled in his stomach. Over the past months, it had been nothing but grief and sorrow, the utter confusion, devastation of the too sudden revelation of ugly betrayal. And maybe slipped between all of those, there’s a part of him that’s longing and aching because above it all, they were too close to feel anything less, too close to be able to walk away untouched. He had let himself dip his toes in the water, let himself walk deeper and deeper, not realising when the water had submerged him. As much as he wants to blame it on the one who had spoken sweet words of lies, he finds himself unable to. The world saw that man for who he was, and yet, being so close, he saw nothing. That — That is no one’s fault but his.
More traditions, more tea, more flowers and the ceremony finally comes to an end. The guests dissipate, retreating from the steps of Carp Tower to their respective rooms while the crowd follows towards the procession that is to take to the streets all over Lanling. The cheers follow as the new Sect Leader of Lanling Jin goes out of view.
Everything feels so foreign, so changed , like the world had gone by and left him behind. An odd thing to feel when he had been right here, his feet on this very floor as everything happened.
Xichen breathes a little harder, sighing out heavily, though it gives him no relief at all.
He manages though, to stand, to lead himself up the stairs but away from the daunting corridors, away from the many rooms, away from the walls that hold so many memories. He drags himself along the sides, towards the balconies, astray from the buildings and the scents that intensely fills his lungs. It all feels too much , too soon .
;
Jiang Cheng’s frown deepens as he spots Xichen standing in the far corner of the balcony that overlooks the Lanling Jin territory. It’s stupid how brightly the sun is shining and how none of it seems to reach the man in blue.
A little white cloth tied to Xichen’s belt catches his eyes and he can’t help but wonder if it’s a mourning cloth. It’s bold to wear that here, now , but it’s not entirely a surprise.
Not at all considering how close they were, but Jin Guangyao had potentially broken every bit of trust between them, how could Xichen still care?
Jiang Cheng scowls, rolling his eyes at the naivety of the common , who wear their hearts on their sleeves and expect the world to not walk all over them.
Jin Guangyao’s own clan had abandoned him, no one speaks his name other than to judge and shame him. The moment his evil deeds had come into light, the world, his clan especially , had claimed ignorance. The people who stood beside him, who served him, boldly claimed to have no association with him. If it weren’t for Jin Ling’s persistence, he probably won’t even have a gravestone built, what more in Lanling Jin’s Ancestral Hall.
Brat.
Jin Ling unfortunately got off on the wrong foot with the Jin Council. It’s predictable, Jiang Cheng thinks, Jin Ling does not share much of their views, and hopefully none of Jin Guangyao’s. But now, after assuming the throne, Jin Ling is definitely to quarrel with them day in and day out. Left to deal with the slick, mischievous, rotten council that seems to have learnt too much from the previous leader.
Jiang Cheng blinks, narrows his eyes over the city below. Faint cheers of the celebration reach his ears and he frowns, letting out a troubled, disapproving sigh. It’s too soon , Jiang Cheng fears, he’s not ready .
He brushes away the thought quickly and brings his attention to the other man, who slowly realises Jiang Cheng’s presence and seems to come out of deep thought.
Jiang Cheng bows with a greeting and the other responds in kind, “Greetings, Sect Leader Jiang.”
“Sect Leader Lan, I heard you’re not staying for the banquet?” Xichen looks visibly taken aback by the directness and Jiang Cheng almost smirks at his small achievement.
“I apologise, Sect Leader Jiang, I won’t be able to stay too long. I have matters to attend to.” He says, adds a rigid smile after. His arms dangle awkwardly by his sides as his fingers pinch at his swaying robes.
Lies .
Admit you’re a coward .
Xichen clears his throat, a bleak attempt to chase away the thoughts.
“That’s unfortunate. But I’m sure A-Ling appreciates your brief presence all the same.”
“Please do send him my regards.” Xichen says and looks towards the vast territory that lay before them. “He’s a very bright boy, Sect Leader Jiang. You must be very proud.”
There’s a slight frown to Xichen’s lips even as he turns back and smiles. It’s tired and worn out, Jiang Cheng can’t help the way his heart sinks.
The day hasn’t exactly gone well. The more he sees Jin Ling being surrounded, being called Sect Leader, the more his anxiety spikes. He tries to ignore his own experiences as Sect Leader but he sees Xichen, and can’t help but project all of that onto Jin Ling.
He looks towards the sounds of the progression. “I suppose despite his terrible influences, he turned out fair.” Jiang Cheng says, not without fondness, but not without bite either.
“But I must apologise, Sect Leader Jiang. I have not been around to assist him and perform my duties as his teacher for the past months. For that, I am truly regretful.” Xichen says, shrinking into himself.
“There is nothing to apologise for. He’s spent so many seasons in Gusu, if he hasn’t learnt enough from you, that’s on him.” He brushes it off easily, without even sparing a glance.
But Xichen can’t dismiss it that easily so he stares at Jiang Cheng for a moment too long. It’s not the only thing that Xichen is sorry about. But he can’t bring himself to say any of the words. They’re like iron on his tongue, metallic and heavy. They threaten to awaken so much pain and he can’t even bear the thought of it.
So in the end, he drags his eyes back to the bright blue sky and leaves the air empty. Jiang Cheng stays silent too, with his hands clasped together over his abdomen while a thumb runs over Zidian that rests on his forefinger. They stand quietly side by side for some time, both deep in thoughts of their own.
Eventually, Xichen decides that it’s enough of the endless sky and beaming sun where he feels so out of place. Decision made, he turns, lifting his arms to bow and bid the other goodbye. But he is interrupted when Jiang Cheng speaks, his eyes still watching the landscape. “Does it feel terrible to return here?” He’s not a stranger to hurt, he knows it shows up in the tiniest things, in the places least expected. Some parts of it still seizes him by the throat, flashing heart-wrenching glimpses of his sister.
Xichen’s arms fall slowly, his brows pinch together dreadfully.
Jiang Cheng seems to realise what he said a moment later, when he blinks and turns to Xichen, like he had been caught, like he hadn’t meant to ask out loud. “I was… curious,” Jiang Cheng admits.
Because he questions all the time, if the past can stay in the past. If it was possible to not carry it forward. Because if his wounds remain so stubbornly, then what about Jin Ling? The boy who lost the most. Could Jin Ling live a life not filled with hate like his? Is there a way to end the agonising turmoil inside instead of turning to an equally agonising state of loathing and resentment?
Perhaps the way Jiang Cheng’s features briefly turn apologetic, lets Xichen know that it wasn’t intended to wound.
“Yes,” he confesses. There’s something honest on the other’s face that he’s never seen before; he feels compelled to be equally as honest.
Jiang Cheng says nothing in return.
Xichen smiles then and maybe, Jiang Cheng thinks, it’s the first time he’s seen the weariness of age - of a life that feels over-lived - ever shown itself on the elder Lan’s face. “Good memories, bad memories; it all balances out in the end.”
Jiang Cheng frowns, obviously disagreeing.
“The bad doesn’t cancel out the good. Nor is the good meant to cancel out the bad.” Xichen says gently and Jiang Cheng wonders how .
How he manages to do that when the world has been everything but gentle.
“But the bad doesn’t fade away, does it?” Jiang Cheng retorts, his features even more displeased than before.
Xichen blinks, that’s something he can’t lie about even if he tried. “No, it doesn’t.” The hurt left behind doesn’t fade, no matter how much time passes, and some days, it still manages to feel brand new. Perhaps a twisted curse of the universe.
“And the good, they don’t exactly remain entirely untarnished, do they?” Jiang Cheng says and can’t help the dry, bitter chuckle that escapes him. “ Is that fair? Is that balance? ”
This time Xichen is the one who says nothing.