Chapter Text
“What did you get today, Doyoungie?”
Doyoung smiles, the silken texture of petals soft between his fingertips. Like every other Monday since the beginning of August, Doyoung prepares a vase.
Today the flowers are purple, and smell of the earth; of the outdoors. Admittedly, there are a multitude of flowers and plants which smell better than these, but Doyoung doesn’t think that’s what’s important. What’s important is the gesture behind the flowers.
“Purple daisies,” Doyoung answers, and he doesn’t even look at Taeyong, too entranced by the weight and sight of the bouquet which he received this week. Somehow, each bouquet seems to outdo the previous one. “Do you wanna know what these ones mean too?”
Doyoung asks the same question every week, as if Taeyong would ever say anything other than yes every time. Still, he supposes he could never be too cautious.
“Of course,” his best friend answers, like Doyoung had a hunch he would.
Doyoung finally looks up from where he’s arranging the stems of the flowers prettily in the same vase he uses every week, just to see Taeyong wrapping a sandwich in saran wrap. Right, today is Monday; which means that Taeyong won’t have enough time during the day between lessons and classes to go out and eat lunch.
Mondays were particularly gruelling for him too. Actually, Mondays are Doyoung’s worst days during the week. It’s already hard to start a new week, but Doyoung’s Monday schedule is filled with classes and meetings, leaving close to no time in between during the day to do so much as breathe.
In a sense, Doyoung feels sorry for himself and Taeyong on Mondays.
“Purple daisies represent thoughtfulness. Like a reminder that someone is thinking about you, and wishing you a good, cheerful day.”
“It’s almost like someone knows your Mondays are horrible,” Taeyong hums, and there’s the soft smile of his face which always presents itself when Doyoung receives his weekly bouquet of flowers.
“Sure you’re not the one who sent them?” Doyoung teases, and it draws laughter out of both of them.
“Wouldn’t it be obvious if I was your secret admirer?” he asks, sliding one saran-wrapped sandwich towards Doyoung. Gratefully, Doyoung tosses it into his crossbody bag, the one he takes with him everywhere. It had been a designer gift from Donghyuck for his birthday earlier this year, and Doyoung makes it a point to use it as often as possible after learning exactly how much Donghyuck had splurged on the gift.
“Maybe you’ve been harbouring unrequited feelings for me all these years, I dunno.”
“That’s wishful thinking,” Taeyong deadpans, twisting the cap closed on his water bottle. Seeing him do that reminds Doyoung that he needs to refill his water bottle too. He’d been distracted by the bouquet sitting outside their door, enamoured once again.
Every Monday morning, it’s like clockwork. But Doyoung still swoons as if it was the first time he received a bouquet.
Taeyong watches him cast one last glance towards the flowers sitting prettily in its vase before getting to finishing packing his essentials for the day, and asks,
“Was there a note with it today?”
The last two times Doyoung had revived a bouquet outside their door, the plants had been accompanied by a little, typed out, folded note. There hasn’t been any confession or name, but little encouraging messages and positive affirmations.
Last week the note said Wishing you all the best today! , and the week before was Let’s keep smiling today :) .
Today, sadly, there hasn’t been a note to join the pretty, purple daisies.
“No, not today,” Doyoung answers, packing his water bottle away. He sifts through his bag and runs through his mental checklist to make sure he isn’t forgetting anything. “Are you ready to go?"
“Yep.” Taeyong pops the p, and shoulders his own bag. He then proceeds to put on his shoes, Doyoung not far behind him. “Did Donghyuck already leave? I haven’t heard from him all morning."
Along with Doyoung’s best friend since middle school, Doyoung’s brother since four years old also lives in this humble apartment.
Donghyuck doesn’t necessarily have a reason to choose to live with his brother, except for the fact that Doyoung gives his daily routine a structure, while also giving his meals some sustenance. Doyoung doesn’t feel burdened to take care of Donghyuck—he rather enjoys his brother’s bright and cheery presence around the apartment. Most of the time. Sometimes.
And anyways, he’d rather Donghyuck not live at home if he could avoid it. Not after everything that’s been happening for the past few years.
“He may still be asleep,” Doyoung sighs, scratching the back of his neck. “You can go ahead, I’ll wake him up. It may take a while.”
Taeyong laughs, a sound Doyoung is used to hearing. He shakes his head, and leans against the wall.
“I can wait. I wouldn’t want you to go to your first class as Professor Moon’s TA alone,” he grins, and the mention of Doyoung’s newly obtained TA position brings a smile onto the latter’s face.
He fought tooth and nail for that position.
“You might run late if Donghyuck chooses to be a bit difficult this morning,” Doyoung winces, and he’s already making his way towards his brother’s bedroom. When Doyoung presses his ear against the door, there’s not even a peep he can hear, which only confirms his suspicions that Donghyuck is indeed still asleep.
“It’s okay,” Taeyong assures, smiling gently when Doyoung throws him that look over his shoulder. “I’ll wait.”
Doyoung inhales, but chooses to believe Taeyong and twists the doorknob open anyways.
Donghyuck’s room is dark, as it always is in the mornings. Doyoung makes his way across the room to rip the curtains open, letting in the natural morning sunshine. He doesn’t turn around, but he hears Donghyuck’s unhappy groan.
It makes Doyoung smile.
Next, he turns off Donghyuck’s fan and humidifier, effectively turning off all the sound noisily whirring around the room. And effectively snapping Donghyuck out of whatever rhythm he had been sleeping to.
“Hyung,” Donghyuck whines, pulling his duvet over his head in an attempt to block Doyoung out. It never works, but that doesn’t mean Donghyuck stops trying. Doyoung used to find it cute, but now it just makes him roll his eyes. But Donghyuck is nineteen now, and while he’ll always be Doyoung’s little brother, there are some things which have outgrown being cute. “Don’t do this right now…”
“Rise and shine,” Doyoung deadpans, grabbing a pillow which had somehow made it to the foot of Donghyuck’s bed during the span of the night. Doyoung has no idea how Donghyuck tosses and turns so much during his sleep, or how his pillows, blankets, and sometimes sheets end up on the floor. He always seemed so peaceful every time Doyoung had seen him sleep, so he wonders what it is exactly which makes him so restless.
“Five more minutes,” Donghyuck whines again, and it doesn’t even take a second longer for Doyoung to bring the pillow down over Donghyuck’s head with a soft thwack!
“You don’t have five minutes. Taeyong hyung and I are leaving now,” Doyoung explains, putting the pillow down and opting to rip the duvet off of Donghyuck instead. He’s met with the sight of his younger brother’s puffy face, bleary, barely open eyes, and rumpled clothes. Doyoung will never say it out loud, but the sight is just a bit endearing. “It’s my first day as Professor Moon’s TA.”
The reminder seems to do a little to stir Donghyuck awake, just enough so that he’s squinting at Doyoung through his still light-sensitive eyes.
“Good luck,” he wishes, voice croaky and dry. It makes Doyoung smile again.
“Thanks. Get up,” he reiterates, ruffling Donghyuck’s hair and ignoring his grumbles. “It’s already 8:30. You’re going to be late if you don’t get up now. Also, Taeyong hyung left breakfast for you on the island.”
“That’s why I like Taeyong hyung more than you,” Donghyuck huffs, sticking his tongue out childishly just for extra effect.
Doyoung rolls his eyes, and then makes his way to leave Donghyuck’s room. But not without turning the lights on behind him, if just to hear the way Donghyuck’s cries as the bright, white light hits his sensitive irises.
“He’s up?” Taeyong asks once Doyoung’s back in the foyer, though the latter knows very well that he had heard all of Donghyuck’s protesting noises.
“Yeah,” he snorts, snatching his keys off of the keytray and patting his pockets down just to make sure he has everything with him. “Ready?”
“Let’s go, TA Kim,” Taeyong grins, and Doyoung doesn’t even try to fight off the smile which breaches his mouth.
TA Kim.
Doyoung really likes the sound of that.
»«
“Are you saying what I think you’re saying…?”
“Well, what is it that you think I’m saying?”
“Are you really Moon’s TA for the year?”
“Why do you sound so suspicious? Think I can’t do it?”
“No! Why would you think that, Jaehyunnie? I’m your best friend, your number one supporter!”
Jaehyun rolls his eyes at Yuta’s words, but can’t deny the truth behind them. Since the beginning, if Jaehyun really thinks about it, then Yuta really was the only one who’s stuck by his side for everything. Supported him too, through thick and thin, and all of that stuff.
“So what’s with all the questions?” Jaehyun asks, shifting his phone from his left ear to his right. His satchel is starting to feel a bit heavy, and he’s grateful that Professor Moon’s class is just a few more minutes away. The weather also worked in his favour today: bright and sunny. He’s going to enjoy being in the greenhouse and garden today.
“Wasn’t there another candidate for the TA position? Kim Doyoung or something like that?”
Jaehyun urges the smile off his lips, pressing them into a thin line and ignoring the way they waver.
“Don’t say or something like that. You know exactly who Kim Doyoung is.”
“Yeah, well,” Yuta scoffs, and Jaehyun can practically hear the eye roll in his voice. “I know that he hasn’t been able to stand you since you guys’ sophomore year.”
Jaehyun hums, and shrugs his shoulders despite knowing that Yuta won’t be able to see the action.
“Maybe he just didn’t get the position,” Jaehyun mutters, referring back to Yuta’s original confusion.
“But… He’s Kim Doyoung. He’s on the Dean’s list, and no offense, Jaehyunnie, but you’re… Not.”
Once again, Jaehyun can hear the wince in Yuta’s tone. But his words don’t bother him much. Jaehyun hasn’t ever strived to be perfect in any of his classes, he just always does what’s required of him. And it’s not required to be on the Dean’s list if you’re interested in being a TA during your masters studies.
“I don’t know why he didn’t get the position,” Jaehyun says, seeing Professor Moon’s class a few hundred feet in front of him. He’s going to have to hang up soon. “I’m just glad that I did. And I hope he’s able to TA for another class. He’d be good at that.”
“You’re biased, you think he’s good at everything!”
“He is,” Jaehyun smirks, and then hears Yuta splutter over the phone. “I gotta go now though, I’m outside Moon’s greenhouses. I’ll call you after and tell you all about it.”
“Hm, can’t wait to hear you go on, and on, and on…”
Jaehyun chuckles, feeling his nerves not even get a chance to make themselves present. Yuta has always been able to calm him down like that.
They hang up after that, and Jaehyun takes only a few seconds to take deep breaths outside of Professor Moon’s greenhouse before putting a hand on the door and letting himself in.
Immediately, humidity smacks him in the face. The air is damp and thick, but that’s to be expected. And it’s not like Jaehyun hates it either; he’s the one who chose to apply for a position to TA for a botany professor in the first place.
The second thing to smack him in the face, however, is Kim Doyoung’s smiling face.
Doyoung is talking to Professor Moon, smiling gently with an earnest look in his eyes. To Jaehyun, it looks like Doyoung is excited to be here, despite the way his hair is already starting to stick to his forehead with sweat.
But that begs a question in his mind—why is Doyoung here?
As Jaehyun walks over to the two of them with a newfound nervousness buzzing through his veins, Professor Moon catches sight of him, and breaks out into a smile bigger than Doyoung’s own. If that’s even possible…
“Morning, Professor.”
“Jaehyun! Good morning,” Professor Moon greets. His eyes have almost completely disappeared with how wide he’s smiling, and he’s looking between the two masters students with something expectant in his eyes. Jaehyun doesn’t know what it is until Professor Moon continues with, “You remember Kim Doyoung, don’t you?”
Jaehyun has to try really hard to suppress the way his eyes want to bulge out of their sockets at Professor Moon’s words. Moreover, if Doyoung had told Professor Moon, because as much as Jaehyun does remember Doyoung (couldn’t forget him even if he tried), and that they do in fact know each other, Jaehyun didn’t know that Doyoung would go around saying that they did. If he even did.
Because, even to Jaehyun’s great confusion, their relationship is… Complicated.
“I do. We’ve shared some classes over the years,” Jaehyun nods, keeping his cordial smile on his face. It’s not hard for him to smile when he’s around Doyoung, or when he’s in the presence of his favourite professor. What makes it hard though, is the way he notices that Doyoung’s smile has slipped off his face, and the way he notices the not so subtle stink eye the other is giving him when Professor Moon isn’t looking.
“That’s great! I’m glad to know that my two TAs will get along,” Professor Moon smiles, and Jaehyun just doesn’t have the heart to tell him the truth. He’s sure Doyoung doesn’t either, with the way he just nods his head with that same, wide smile on his face. “Wonderful. You two can discuss how you’d like to introduce yourselves to the students, I’ll give you time at the end of class to do that. And feel free to discuss how you’d like to manage the two tutorial sections as well. Class starts in ten minutes!”
With that same, easy-going and friendly smile, Professor Moon walks off to set up a few more final things before his first class. Namely, the bags of dirt and the empty pots waiting to be filled with soil and plants.
“His two TAs,” Jaehyun hears Doyoung scoff, and it’s enough to have him finally look over at him, making direct, purposeful eye contact with the other for the first time since he’s stepped into the greenhouse. “Did you know we’d both get the position?”
Expectedly, Doyoung doesn’t bother with formalities.
“No,” Jaehyun answers honestly. “I didn’t know you’d need more than one TA for a botanics class…”
Doyoung huffs, seeming to share the same thinking, but unwilling to admit it out loud to him. Jaehyun supposes that in that sense, Doyoung really is the same since their sophomore year.
“Whatever. I’ll take tutorial section one, and you can have the second.” Doyoung doesn’t even bother looking at Jaehyun while he says this, instead holding up a folder which contains the course syllabus. “So my first tutorial will be on Wednesday, and yours will be on Friday. I don’t think we need to talk much about anything else.”
“What about the grading scheme?” Jaehyun asks, raising an inquisitive eyebrow. He’s always known that Doyoung liked to be the one to call the shots—he learned this when he first met Doyoung in sophomore year, and as he continued to randomly meet Doyoung in classes, or the library. “Shouldn’t we agree on that? So that both sections are graded fairly.”
Doyoung purses his lips, and once more, it’s clear that he doesn’t want to admit that Jaehyun had raised a valid concern. So he doesn’t say anything on the matter, and just shrugs his shoulders.
“I’m sure you’ve taken a class of Professor Moon’s before,” he starts sarcastically, because Doyoung very well knows , still not looking up from where he’s scribbling God knows what on his copy of the syllabus. It makes Jaehyun want to smile a little, but he decides against it when he realizes Doyoung might just get more snarky if he catches him doing that. “Let’s just grade the kids on how we got graded for his classes in our previous year.”
“Sure,” Jaehyun nods, wracking his mind for anything else to say. This is the first time he and Doyoung are talking in a long time, and since they’re in a classroom environment, a professional environment, Jaehyun kind of wants to take advantage of how Doyoung isn’t able to be hostile to him here. Especially since Professor Moon is less than twenty feet away. “Have you been well, Doyoung?”
“There’s no time for pleasantries,” Doyoung mutters, snapping his folder shut. He takes the bag that had been laying on the chair next to him, and shoulders it. “Class is starting soon.”
Jaehyun knows that there’s another five minutes until class, but if Doyoung didn’t want to talk more right now, then he wouldn’t make him.
After all, he has the whole year to try to get on his good side again.
»«
Doyoung met Jaehyun when he was nineteen years old.
They were in a botanic class, because of course they were, and were sitting next to each other.
It wasn’t Doyoung’s choice, but he didn’t mind it at first. Jaehyun had walked into the greenhouse with only a minute until class started, and the seat next to Doyoung had been empty. Doyoung supposes it also would’ve been the first one Jaehyun saw when he entered the class, so he can’t be entirely too mad.
And he wasn’t. Jaehyun was kind enough to introduce himself at the end of class, explaining how he was a biology major, had taken botanics as an elective, and that he was genuinely interested in plants, nature, and all of that stuff.
To be courteous, Doyoung introduced himself back and explained that he was just a botany major, plain and simple. Though Jaehyun didn’t treat it like it was that simple: he asked so many questions, and seemed intrigued to learn about why exactly Doyoung is so fascinated with plants.
Safe to say, they hit it off pretty well. For the better part of the semester, Doyoung had been excited to go to botanics class, seeing as it was his favourite professor (Professor Moon), and his favourite seatmate (Jung Jaehyun).
Given all of that, and a few more details he doesn’t want to think about right now (digging them up from the depths of his brain will for sure take a toll on him), Doyoung hadn’t expected their falling out. And even now, four years later, it still hurts a bit. They were close—they became more than just seatmates. Perhaps, more than just friends as well… Though, he supposes it’s possible that Jaehyun didn’t necessarily share those same sentiments. If he had, Doyoung doesn’t think their relationship would be what it is today.
“What’s with the long face?”
Doyoung instantly feels bad when he sees the way Taeyong’s face falls. He had been waiting for him after his class, just to hear how his first class as a TA went, but Doyoung must’ve done a poor job at hiding the frustration on his face, seeing as Taeyong quickly goes from smiling to furrowing his brows in worry.
It makes Doyoung groan out loud, rubbing a hand down his face in a poor attempt to calm himself down. It doesn’t work on him, and that also stirs the frustration within him, because it always works when Donghyuck does the same thing.
“Did something happen?” Taeyong asks cautiously after Doyoung doesn’t say anything. He treads carefully, and while Doyoung appreciates it most days, it makes him a bit snappish today.
This is not the start of the day he wanted… He still has classes to go to after this, three of them to be exact, not to mention the material he has to prepare for his tutorial on Wednesday. Doyoung kind of regrets snatching the first tutorial section, it’s really soon.
“There’s two TAs,” he sighs, ruffling his hair. That does a better job at calming him down than rubbing a hand down his face. “And Jung Jaehyun is one of them.”
“Jaehyunnie?” Taeyong gasps, and the sound of the endearing nickname falling off of his best friend’s lips makes Doyoung scowl. He almost forgot how Taeyong is good friends with Jaehyun’s best friend. Doyoung thinks he’s the one to blame for that though, seeing as he had been the one to introduce Jaehyun to Taeyong in the first place.
Doyoung grunts in a response to Taeyong’s gasp.
“I didn’t think you’d need two TAs for a botany class…”
“That’s what I said!”
Taeyong offers him a sympathetic smile, but something about it seems off around the edges…
“What?” Doyoung immediately asks, squinting his eyes at his best friend. His arms have uncrossed themselves from across his chest, and he doesn’t even remember when he had crossed them to begin with. “What’s with that look?”
“Don’t you think…” he begins, trailing off unsurely, as if he’s afraid that what he’ll say will upset Doyoung. It makes the latter raise an eyebrow, as if insisting that Taeyong goes on. And he does, after taking a sigh. “Don’t you think you should get over the whole thing between you and Jaehyun now? Especially because you’ll be working together for the whole year—C’mon, Doyoungie, it’s been four years…”
Doyoung bites the inside of his cheek, and stones his expression in front of Taeyong. He doesn’t want anything to crack through his facade—he doesn’t want his real emotions to crack through and let Taeyong know what he’s really feeling. He knows that Taeyong means well, that he doesn’t mean to upset Doyoung with his question.
But it still does, because yeah, even if it’s been four years, Jaehyun is still a sore subject. Something Taeyong doesn’t know every aching detail of because Doyoung doesn’t talk about it, because he doesn’t want to think about it. Although it’s not ideal to hide something from Taeyong, it never is, Doyoung doesn’t want to open that can of worms again. He may just be sensitive, and he may be holding an unnecessarily long grudge, but even if that’s the case, then he will. For as long as it takes until seeing, or even thinking about Jaehyun doesn’t remind him of such memories.
“No,” Doyoung answers, hoping he sounds as indifferent as he thinks he does. “Maybe one day, in the far, far future.”
His answer is enough for Taeyong to let it go, the latter able to sense Doyoung’s reluctance to delve further into the subject. Doyoung is thankful that sometimes his best friend can read his mind.
“Oh, Donghyuck texted me complaining about how you didn’t answer his call. I told him you were in class, but you may want to call him back before he starts sulking.”
Doyoung sighs at Taeyongs words, but acknowledges the truth behind them: Donghyuck will sulk if Doyoung ignores his calls.
“Give me a minute,” he tells Taeyong while fishing his phone out of his bag. Taeyong waves him away with an okay , and Doyoung is quick to return his brother’s missed call.
“Hyung!” Donghyuck’s greeting is loud in Doyoung’s ear, and he winces as he lowers the volume on his phone. “Jaemin told me that Jaehyun hyung is a TA for Professor Moon’s class, but that doesn’t make any sense? Aren’t you TA-ing that class?”
Bless Donghyuck’s innocent heart and naive questions. And the fact that Doyoung forgot that Donghyuck’s best friend is none other than Jung Jaehyun’s younger brother: Jaemin. Given that fact, it’s hard to believe that it took a botany class for Jaehyun and Doyoung’s paths to cross, but he doesn’t like to read too much into it, so he always leaves the thought alone whenever it invades his brain.
“There’s two TAs. He’s the other one,” Doyoung supplies, and he suddenly really hopes he isn’t on speaker, while also really hoping Jaemin isn’t nearby to hear him say this. From all he’s seen and what he knows, Jaemin is a nice boy, unlike what he’s seen of Jaehyun. And he’s seen a lot of Jaemin, since he’s Donghyuck’s best friend and all. “Does that clear it up?”
“Okay, yeah… Because I was really confused. I hope you’re not disappointed, hyung. I know you were really excited to learn one-on-one with Professor Moon.”
Donghyuck, for all the headaches he’s worth, is really sweet once you make it past the initial stages. Granted, Doyoung has never really had to go through the initial stage with Donghyuck—they’re brothers, after all.
“It’s okay, Hyuck, I’m not disappointed. It’s just one more person, I’ll still have plenty of one-on-one time with Professor Moon.” And Doyoung means it; it would’ve been nice if he was Professor Moon’s only TA, but he doesn’t mind that there’s another person, he just minds that the other person is Jung Jaehyun.
“I meant… It’s Jaehyun hyung, so…”
Doyoung has to fight the urge to sigh, annoyed at Donghyuck’s sentence. Though, he doesn’t have a reason to be, since it’s not like Donghyuck knew he just had this conversation with Taeyong. He also doesn’t have a reason to be, because Donghyuck actually likes Jaehyun. Obviously, given how much time he spends at Jaemin’s house, where Jaehyun also happens to reside.
“I don’t really care,” Doyoung mutters, but it sounds weak even to his own ears. And if it does, then he knows it sounds weak to Donghyuck’s ears too.
“That doesn’t sound very convincing,” Donghyuck hums, and he now sounds more amused than concerned. But Doyoung isn’t surprised: Donghyuck always gushes about how fun Jaehyun is. How uncoiled he is compared to Doyoung himself. “C’mon hyung, you two could be something great if you let go of your grudge!”
Once again, Donghyuck doesn’t know the extent of all the nitty gritty details, and Doyoung doesn’t plan on telling him either. Therefore, he’s not sure if he can really, actually be mad at Donghyuck for reducing his feelings to just a mere grudge. He doesn’t know any better, so Doyoung sucks it up.
“We’ll never be something great,” Doyoung scoffs, opting to change the subject instead.
Thankfully, Donghyuck takes the bait.
“Jaemin and I think you two look cute together,” Donghyuck says casually, too casually compared to how Doyoung almost chokes on his spit. “Don’t tell me you can’t see it.”
“I’m hanging up now,” Doyoung announces through gritted teeth, earning just a simple, smug hum from his brother before the line cuts.
Doyoung takes a breath to collect himself, and then turns around just to see an amused Taeyong staring at him. He half expects Taeyong to say something which will just continue to grate his nerves, but—
“Wanna find a bench and eat lunch?” he asks instead, finally cracking a genuine smile from behind Doyoung’s facade and annoyance. “Before the rest of the day destroys you?”
Doyoung sighs, letting his shoulders drop. He hadn’t realized that they’d become so tense in the first place. He adjusts his papers in his bag, and then crosses it over his body properly before shooting Taeyong a grateful smile.
“Lunch. Yeah, let’s do that.”
»«
There’s a growing list of Doyoung which Jaehyun has started keeping tabs on. It’s only been five days since the first time they met again in Professor Moon’s botany class (which is irony at its finest, by the way), but he’s seen Doyoung three more times after that. It seems a bit excessive, but he couldn’t have wormed out of it, not that he wanted to. On the other hand, Doyoung was probably the one who wanted to worm out of it and felt utterly helpless when he realized that he couldn’t.
After all, they were invited to spend time with Professor Moon, getting together so that the professor could explain the future lessons, and give his two TAs a head start, as well as the materials they’ll need.
“I don’t want this job to be too stressful for you two,” Professor Moon had said. “I know you’re also in the middle of finishing your degrees, and this should be a fun class. I remember how enthusiastic you were in my classes, the both of you. That’s why I couldn’t choose only one of you for the position when I saw that both Jaehyun and Doyoung applied. I hope you can help the students become equally as passionate as you two are about botany, if not more.”
Professor Moon’s words aren’t burdensome, and it may be because Jaehyun considers himself pretty persuasive. And enthusiastic, when the right subject arises. He more than believes he can render his section enthralled by botany; the same way he’d been roped into the beauty. Granted, he hadn’t roped himself into botany, no, that credit all belongs to the other TA sitting next to him.
But anyways, Professor Moon’s words came from about thirty minutes ago, before he’d dismissed Doyoung and Jaehyun. He’s a bit grateful for the small, short little meetings they’d had throughout the week, seeing as it’s Saturday, and Jaehyun has seen Doyoung a total of three times, not including Monday.
Thus the birth of his cleverly titled list: How many times did Doyoung look at me today? But that’s just one list.
Jaehyun would call himself a loser if he had done this years ago, when he was actually Doyoung’s friend (in his head, Jaehyun likes to still think of them as friends. Though, he knows that in reality, that couldn’t be farther from the truth). But now, it’s more amusing than anything else. Like keeping a track record of all the times he’s able to garner a reaction out of Doyoung, all the times he’s capable of making his head turn towards him, in a room occupied with other people.
How many times did Doyoung look at me today?
3
During their meeting with Professor Moon, Jaehyun hadn’t been graced with more than three, simple, and measly glances from the other. Granted, there weren’t many other people Doyoung could’ve opted to look at, especially since Professor Moon had asked them to discuss something between just the two of them twice, so he really had no choice.
But once again, in his head, Jaehyun likes to omit those unnecessary details, if only to focus on the brighter side. The optimistic aspects of their short meeting with Professor Moon.
Which now brings them to present time: Jaehyun attempting to build up enough courage to ask Doyoung if he’d like to have lunch together. He tells himself that he’s not too sure what it is exactly between them, the thing which drove a wedge so strong between them that Doyoung hadn’t bothered keeping contact over the summer, and proceeded to ignore Jaehyun’s existence in their shared classes, unless it was to contribute some offhanded, rather cold comments about him.
“Doyoung,” Jaehyun calls, the former’s name falling off of his tongue like butter; it doesn’t feel rusty at all. He hasn’t forgotten the shape of Doyoung’s name in his mouth, and he doesn't think that he can forget it, even if he tried. “Do you want to grab something to eat together?”
“Something to eat?” Doyoung repeats, igniting a small sliver of hope in Jaehyun’s brain. “I’m starving. With you? No.”
Just as easily as he’d ignited the hope, Doyoung easily dims it out as well.
“Doyoung—”
“Jaehyun.” Doyoung looks stern, more stern than Jaehyun’s seen him in the four encounters they’ve had so far this week. “What are you doing?”
Jaehyun feels a pit forming in his stomach, a distant yet familiar feeling. He hasn’t felt that knot tighten since he realized Doyoung stopped talking to him, but maybe it’s always been there, like a constant reminder.
“I just thought that we could be friends again,” Jaehyun mumbles, because if there’s one thing about Jaehyun, it’s that he’ll always be honest. Even to Doyoung, who he knows may trample all over his heartfelt words without a second thought. He doesn’t know when the Doyung he knew grew into someone colder, but maybe this new Doyoung only ever presents himself in front of Jaehyun.
Yeah. That didn’t sound too far off.
Jaehyun sees Doyoung’s lips press themselves into a thin line, his eyebrows coming together just a little in the middle of his forehead, before he visibly calms down.
“Why?” he settles on asking after an uncomfortable amount of silence passes by. When Jaehyun lets ten seconds go by without a proper answer, Doyoung scoffs. “That’s what I thought. Listen, you don’t have to try so hard.”
Jaehyun feels the urge to refute Doyoung’s statement of trying hard, but either the words get stuck in his throat, or Doyoung doesn’t give him enough time to answer. It’s probably a bit of both.
“There’s no reason for us to be friends again.”
Jaehyun’s eyebrows furrow, and this time, the words come to him.
“Shouldn’t we at least try, Doyoung? Wouldn’t it be easier? Yuta and Taeyong hyung are already friends, and Donghyuck and Jaemin are best friends,” he states, as if Doyoung didn’t already know those facts. “Because of us, by the way. They met and got closer because of us, and now we don’t even talk anymore.”
Jaehyun thinks Doyoung is about to say something, but then his lips press together again, and he crosses his arms over his chest. He doesn’t say anything, maybe he’s mulling it over in his head, and thinking about the right thing to say. Regardless, Jaehyun takes it as his opportunity to continue speaking.
“I miss you, honestly. I miss looking forward to Professor Moon’s classes, eating meals with you, and studying together. Hanging out with you, going to the plant store, teasing Jaemin and Donghyuck together. Don’t you miss it too, Doyoung?”
Doyoung exhales a breath, one Jaehyun didn’t know he was holding in, and then walks up right in front of the other, eyes blazing.
Jaehyun didn’t realize how steadily angry Doyoung was becoming with every word he was saying. Didn’t realize how red his cheeks were getting redder, red with anger.
Petunia, Jaehyun’s brian supplies. The flower of resentment and anger.
“That’s really rich, coming from you, Jaehyun,” Doyoung spits, words coming out through his gritted teeth. “After everything? Really?”
“Doyoung, I—”
“Do you think there’s room for an excuse? Now? Four years later?”
Doyoung sounds bitter, and as much as Jaehyun can tell himself that he doesn’t know why they had a falling out, that he doesn’t know why Doyoung started ignoring him, he can’t lie to himself for too long. If he were in Doyoung’s shoes, he’d be bitter too.
“There is no excuse.” And with that knowledge, it’s easy for Jaehyun to admit that, though even to his own ears, his voice sounds strangled. Sounds desperate. “But Doyoung, I’m sorry —”
Doyoung’s eyes are alight, with something Jaehyun recognizes as a yellow iris. Passion.
“I already said it’s too late,” Doyoung cuts off, and how cold, reserved, and cut-dry his voice comes out is enough to kill the words right on the tip of Jaehyun’s tongue. “Jaehyun, we’re both just here to be TAs, and finish our degrees, and that’s all . I don’t care if Yuta and Taeyong hyung are friends, or if our brothers are best friends. That doesn’t mean we have to be friends. So just do us both a favour, and leave me alone, will you?”
Jaehyun watches Doyoung walk away with an achingly familiar feeling in his chest. The more distance Doyoung puts between them with every step he takes, the hollower the pit in his stomach becomes. The tighter the knot strangles itself.
Spring crocus.
When Doyoung is out of his sight, only then does Jaehyun sigh defeatedly, a hand running down his face in an attempt to quell his frustration. It doesn’t work.
The flower of guilt.