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Chifuyu has thought about his death a thousand times.
When he was younger, and still a stupid delinquent, he used to think it didn't apply to him. What could go wrong? He was twelve, and he felt like he was invincible, beating up people to make them respect him, hanging out with other guys and acting like the world belonged to them. For a while, he was convinced it was the case.
Even when he met Keisuke Baji and became the vice-captain of Toman's first division, where they got in fights more often than they probably should've for teenagers supposed to be at school, death was nothing but a faraway threat. Nothing to do with their little gang brawls.
That was until he lost his best friend during one of these stupid fights. They were just supposed to beat the shit out of each other until one gang surrendered. Baji wasn't supposed to get stabbed. And yet he did, and when he took his last breath in Chifuyu's arms, his world turned upside down.
Everything changed after that. It's nothing but fading memories now, since twelve years have passed, but the pain is still lodged in a corner of Chifuyu's heart, reappearing from time to time. He knows it's never going to disappear. He has to live with the knowledge that he has loved, and he has lost, and that he’s never going to be whole again. The unfairness of it all is what keeps him up at night. They were just kids playing around, and yet one of them lost their life before his fifteenth birthday.
Since then, Chifuyu has thought a lot about death. How does it feel? What's it like? He often wondered if Baji could hear him when he visited his grave every week, bringing peyoung yakisoba with him. He wondered if he saw all the tears Chifuyu shed and wished he could wipe them from his face. He wondered if there was something after death or just an abyssal nothing. He wondered if maybe they would meet again, in another life or in the place where souls meet when they leave their physical form behind. He cannot bear the thought of never finding Baji again. He wants to believe that they will find their way to each other, that his love is strong enough to survive until he’s reborn again.
When Mikey puts the revolver against his forehead, the coldness of the metal is almost welcome. Strangely, he doesn’t feel afraid. He knows there is no way out of this. He’s going to die tonight.
But death isn’t the end. He knows Takemichi will go back in time like he did several times already, because there’s no way he’ll let Mikey in such a state of despair. Not if he can do something about it. He always did his best to save everyone. The Takemichi from the future, the one he became friends with before he returned from where he came from. He never stopped missing him.
Mikey asks for his last words and he knows what he's going to say. Their last hope is Takemichi. He's the only one who can save them all.
"Do you remember Hanagaki Takemichi?"
His former leader doesn’t twitch, doesn’t let a flicker of recognition appear on his face. He stays impassive at the mention of the man who loved them so much he sacrificed everything to keep going back in time to save them. Chifuyu knows that Takemichi will fix this mess of a timeline sooner or later.
When Mikey pulls the trigger, Chifuyu’s last thought is about Baji. Finally, he’s going to see him again.
**
Chifuyu has always been alone.
For his entire childhood, he never really found someone he wanted to stay with. He'd never really cared about anyone. He hung out with people at school, sure, but they could barely be considered as his friends. They were more like acquaintances. Chifuyu knew they respected him because he could beat the shit out of them if he wanted, but their relationship had nothing to do with friendship. He didn't mind. He didn't need anyone anyway.
At this time, his only goal was to be someone other people would fear and respect. What was the use of friends? It was easier to fight relentlessly with random people in the streets than to pretend to care about someone. Beating up people was the only way to feel something. Being the best. Knowing he was esteemed and admired by the rest of the school. It was enough for him.
That is, until he met Baji Keisuke.
He'd heard by one of his sidekicks that another thug had appeared in his school, and immediately he'd wanted to meet him. He had to make him understand who was ruling the school. He had to make him know that he was Matsuno Chifuyu, and that his reputation was deserved. And he was not to be trifled with.
But Baji wasn't who he expected him to be. Instead of a scary-looking thug, the boy they pointed out to be Baji Keisuke was a nerd with a lame ponytail and thick black glasses. Chifuyu was thrown off at first, fully expecting him to be the kind of guy who would inspire respect. Instead he bit back a smile, amused by his focused look. He looked a bit lost, trying his best to write the kanji for "Tora" without succeeding.
He could’ve let him here and go back to his life, but for some reason he sat on the chair in front of him and pointed to the character in question.
"You're writing this wrong, you know that?"
"Uh?"
"This kanji.”
“No way, I checked three times…”
Chifuyu kept helping him with his letter for a while (seriously, who wrote letters in 2005?), not realizing that he was actually enjoying himself. Baji was surprisingly an enjoyable company. He found himself laughing easily by his side. He wasn’t even making fun of him (well, a bit), he was genuinely amused by the older boy.
The feeling was strange. He was used to amusement and satisfaction, when he punched someone so hard he fell to the ground, or when he saw the fear in other people’s eyes. This was different. A feeling that lodged in the depths of his heart before he even got the time to realize it, that made his stomach clench for a reason he ignored. He didn’t like not being in control, not knowing what he felt.
It had always been simple. He was feeling so empty sometimes that he pursued the search of adrenaline desperately, to the point where his limbs hurt and he was out of breath, heart pounding in his ribcage. At least in those moments he felt something. At least in those moments he felt truly alive. The rest of the time, he was pretty much an empty shell. The thrill of the fight was the only thing that gave him a purpose.
But this… This was new. He had talked with many people without paying attention to what they were saying, hung out with boys that he didn’t care about just because he liked being the one in power.
He found himself caring a bit too much about Baji Keisuke, and he didn’t even know why. That afternoon, as they were sitting together in an empty classroom correcting a dumb letter, something shifted inside of him.
Baji didn’t leave his thoughts that day. When class ended and met the other boys he usually hung out with, he was still thinking about the nerd with the weird glasses who didn’t want to get held back one more year or it would make his mom cry. The others were making fun of him, telling him he’d forget all about him by the morning after.
As Chifuyu came to find out over the course of the years, he wouldn’t forget about him so easily.
**
The rest is history. A first encounter that he would play in his head before sleeping, to remind himself how far they’d come and how fate could work in mysterious ways sometimes.
When Baji called him his friend, Chifuyu’s head stopped spinning for a second. He was still recovering from the aftermath of the fight, trying to steady himself so that he would not crumble to the floor (which would’ve been a hit to his reputation. Matsuno Chifuyu didn’t crumble. He crushed his enemies until there was nothing left of them.)
Chifuyu had always been alone. He was used to it.
That’s it, until he meets Baji Keisuke.
**
When he opens his eyes, he’s blinded by a bright light. It takes him a few minutes before he gets used to it and can finally see his surroundings.
The place is familiar. He hasn’t been here in years, but the memory is so vivid in his mind that for a minute he thinks his entire existence has just been a strange dream and that he’s never left this place. He feels his heart clench without really knowing why. His brain is still plunged in a haze, like he just emerged from a deep sleep and needs a few minutes to adjust to reality. The only thing he remembers is his name, and the vague idea that he’s at peace now.
He recognizes the place. He’s sitting on the landing of the stairs of his apartment building, the one he lived in with his mom until he left for college. The one where Baji lived as well.
The thought of Baji is enough to clear his mind completely, and the last remnants of sleep vanish while his heart starts beating faster. If he’s back here, then …
“Oi, Chifuyu.”
He knows it’s him even before he turns around. The deep voice is a familiar sound, syllables rolling lazily on his tongue. He closes his eyes to savour the feeling of hearing this name in the low tone that he’s grown to love with all his heart. It’s been so long. He thought he’d never hear it again.
When he looks to his right, Baji is here, a frown on his face. He looks the same as Chifuyu remembers him. Long, soft black hair, eyes tinted yellow and sharp features. Was everything just a dream? A terrifying nightmare, but in the end just the product of his imagination? It feels like he hasn’t been here in so long. Could it be that he never left in the first place?
The familiarity of the scene hits him hard. They’ve sat here together hundreds of times, sharing peyoung yakisoba, talking about everything and anything. The emotion is too much to bear. Before he can do anything about it, pools of tears are forming under his eyes, before rolling silently on his cheeks.
Baji sighs.
“Didn’t think I’d see you here so soon.”
The words don’t register to Chifuyu right away. When they finally get to him through the overwhelming feelings he already has to process, it takes him some time to realize what they mean.
“What?”
“I’ve been waiting for you. For all of you, really. But I didn’t want to see you here so soon. You’re all so young. What happened?”
Chifuyu is confused. And then he remembers. Mikey pointing a gun at his head. Pulling the trigger.
He’s dead. This isn’t a memory, this isn’t a dream. This is … what comes after death? Uh. He expected something more impressive than an old apartment building. But then again, he remembers sitting here with Baji years ago, taking care of stray cats as they shared noodles together and thinking that this was his idea of heaven on earth. This is rather spot on.
“The others … You mean Mitsuya, Draken, Hakkai? They came here? You saw them?”
“Well, not here exactly. But yeah, I met them.”
Chifuyu wipes his tears with the back of his hands.
“And why are you here?”
Baji smirks. “Didn’t you want to see me?”
Chifuyu chuckles sadly. “I’ve been wanting to see you for the past twelve years. I missed you so much. You have no idea.”
Baji doesn’t say anything, so he keeps going. The lump in his throat is getting bigger and he’s shaking silently, tears rolling down his face as he lets himself remember the pain of losing the man he loved the most.
“After your death, I remembered the weight of your body in my arms for days. At first I thought you were going to wake up. I thought you couldn’t possibly leave me alone.”
The first man he’d ever wanted to follow. The first man he’d ever loved.
Chifuyu had always been alone. That’s it, until he met Baji Keisuke.
And then, he was alone again.
Baji smiles, but it's a sad smile. Chifuyu rarely saw him like that, back when they spent all of their time together. He decides that he doesn’t like it. Baji should always smile brightly, his fangs on full display and his eyes shining. Chifuyu would give everything for him to be happy. "You shouldn't have died so soon. You deserved to live a full life."
You deserved it too. You were only 15. It wasn't fair that it ended up like that. The words are burning in his throat, so instead he lets out other words, ones that aren't less painful, but that he held for so long inside of him that it's almost a relief to let them go into the world with Baji to hear them.
"It wouldn't have been a perfectly happy life, you know. Not without you by my side."
He never really let himself acknowledge the intensity of his feelings for Baji Keisuke. It was something that he always thought was too big to unpack, too weird to be spoken out loud. He kept it inside of him for years, thinking about a day in the future where he would finally muster enough courage to let it out.
He never got the chance to do it.
"I went to your grave, you know. Every week." Even there, in front of the cold grey stone, he couldn’t bring himself to tell him how much he loved him. He could say how much he missed him, how his absence had left his heart ripped in two, but pouring his heart out in front of a grave felt wrong. He talked about everything but his feelings for him, and in the end he never got a real closure for his first love. Maybe that’s why he never fell in love again, never met someone who made him feel whole like Baji did.
“I know. I was there. I listened.”
“Why didn’t you answer then?” he cries out, his voice trembling slightly.
It’s a stupid accusation, one he regrets as the words leave his lips. Of course Baji couldn’t answer. He was on his own all these years.
He’s still crying in silence, the sleeves of his outfit soaked after wiping his tears so many times. He wonders how he still has tears left to cry. He doesn’t want to look at Baji, doesn’t want him to see how vulnerable he is right now. Time had eased the wound, but now it’s like it’s been reopened all over again, years of grieving reduced to nothing.
“I’m sorry that I left you,” murmurs Baji. “All of you. I wish I could’ve stayed.”
“I know. It wasn’t your fault. It was Kisaki’s.”
There’s no use dwelling on what could’ve been. They’re both dead now anyway. And Chifuyu doesn’t want to think about Kisaki, doesn't want this memory to be tainted by his wicked grin.
He feels tired and yet he can’t bring himself to find comfort in Baji, because somehow he feels like he doesn’t have the right. That he’s too weak for crying like this. After all these years working to avenge Baji, suffering in silence, eternally alone, this is what breaks him? An old memory? It’s like he’s thirteen years old again and not a whole adult.
Suddenly he feels Baji’s arms wrapping around him, a sudden warmth pressing against his body. His mouth opens in surprise, and when Baji tightens his embrace he finally hugs him back. It’s a bit awkward at first. After all, he’s not used to physical contact. And he didn’t realize how much he missed it until now.
But he can feel himself calm down thanks to Baji’s contact. Now he can breathe again, slowly, and even once he stops shaking he still doesn’t let go, because this feels too good. He has only held Baji once: the day he died. This is a memory he would like to erase from his brain. And he tried, many times, with shots of alcohol burning his throat until his head felt light as a feather and he was finally free from imagining the weight of Baji’s body in his arms.
But the Baji he’s hugging now he’s more alive than ever. He can feel his heart pounding against his chest, his breath in the crook of his neck. He hugs him tighter, wishes in a brief moment of delusion that they could fuse together and only form a single person. That way he would never fail him again, he would never see him go someplace he couldn’t follow.
It feels like his love for him is too big for his body. He has kept it inside for so many years that now it spills from him before he can realize it, like a vase too full.
“I love you.”
It surprises him as much as Baji, to hear these three words spoken out loud. They’re gone in a second but the weight of their meaning lingers in the air. For a terrifying moment he’s afraid he might have gone too far, that his best friend will disentangle himself and look at him in a different way. He shouldn’t have spoken. He shouldn’t have let him know that his feelings for him weren’t entirely platonic, weren’t the way they were supposed to be. Chifuyu made a mistake again, and now he’s going to lose the only person he has left.
Baji lets go of him and he shuts his eyes, wishing that he could take back what he said.
“I’m sorry—” he starts but then Baji’s hand is in his hair and he represses a shiver as he strokes it gently. Chifuyu opens his eyes tentatively. His friend doesn’t look mad, or disgusted, or apologetic. He looks fond. Chifuyu remembers him looking like this whenever he talked about Kazutora. He was envious of their bond sometimes.
He loves every side of Baji, but his favorite is the one he displayed when he did something he loved. When they were watching a movie in his bedroom, and he stood up to open the window and let the stray cats enter so he could feed them. When he was writing a letter to Kazutora with the help of Chifuyu, remembered a memory with the other boy and told it with a soft smile. When they were riding their motorbikes late at night and he laughed so much, Chifuyu was afraid he would miss a turn and crash.
It’s in these moments that Baji was the most honest. It’s when he let his love for his friends and for life show on his face that Chifuyu fell for him more than ever. Seeing this fondness directed at him does something to his heart. He waits, not daring to speak.
“Don’t apologize.”
Chifuyu almost says sorry again, but holds it back at the last second, because Baji is mere centimeters away and for once, he can't tell what he's thinking.
"Can I kiss you?"
He nods, speechless. Then Baji kisses him and he loses the capacity to think straight.
He pictured this scene a thousand times in his mind, as many scenarios as there are stars in the sky. He’s kissed other boys before. But there were no feelings involved, at least not as strong as there are now. He feels like his heart is going to explode. It’s strange that he even has a heart. Isn’t he supposed to be dead? I’m dead and this is heaven. Can they stay like this forever? Surely they can, right?
When they part, he misses the warmth immediately.
Baji's smile is genuinely happy this time.
"I've wanted to do this for so long."
It’s not exactly a confession, but he’ll take it anyway. He never heard Baji speak his feelings out loud before. Written in his letters, perhaps. Or you have to understand them by the little attentions, the way he acts around you. Chifuyu knows he’s special to him. It’s enough. And he’s glad he got it out of his chest, that the other boy knows. He feels at peace for the first time in years.
His head still spinning, he lifts his eyes, and he can see the sky stretching infinitely above them, partially hidden by the building above, but still visible. It’s so beautiful. So many memories come back to him at once, flashes of a life so distant time made him forget the details, leaving him with only a deep nostalgia and pain blending with fondness. He remembers a night when the fatigue had made him dizzy, and he fell asleep with his head on Baji’s shoulder as they were watching the starry sky.
“Do you remember? When we stayed up here all night?”
Baji smirks. “I stayed up all night. You fell asleep on me, loser.”
Chifuyu groans and hits him lightly, which only makes him laugh.
He cherishes every one of his moments with Baji, but this night, he treasures it more than anything. They talked for hours, sitting on the landing of the stairs of their apartment building, until morning came and they realized they would have to go to school running on no hours of sleep and chocolate bars bought at the vending machine.
It feels the same right now, and he almost forgets this is just a creation of his mind, that this is not real.
“Look, this one shines brighter than the others,” he points to the sky, but Baji is looking at him, concern written all over his face.
“Chifuyu, what’s wrong with your body?”
He frowns, not sure of what he means by that.
“What do you mean what’s…”
He looks at his hands. The tips of his fingers are fading slowly, like someone took a rubber and started erasing him from this world. His heart drops in his chest, because this can only mean one thing. Takemichi went back in time. The reality where Chifuyu died has been erased, and he’s going to start again.
“No, no, no, no, I can’t go again! I don’t want to go!” His voice is desperate as he grips Baji’s jacket, tears welling up in his eyes once again. Baji cups his cheek and the gesture is so gentle that his breath catches in his throat.
“I’m not going anywhere, you know. I’ll still be here when you return.” He sounds tired too, like this is not the first time he has to go through this. “It’s better this way. I don’t want to see you until you’re an old man. You and the others, you better live until 90 years old.”
Chifuyu sniffles. “You wouldn’t know the difference anyway. I’m supposed to be 25 and yet in this body I’m 13 again.”
They both know the reason, although none of them say it out loud. The reason why Chifuyu is trapped in this body is because Baji never got to know him older. Time for him stopped in 2005.
“I still understand how time works, thank you very much. I can count the years.”
Chifuyu grabs Baji’s hand and grips it tightly, like it would be enough to anchor him in this world.
“You promise I’ll find you again?”
It’s a child’s wish, the kind of question you ask after a nightmare to ease the fear in your chest, and yet Baji is serious when he nods, his eyes still fixed on him.
“I’ll be waiting.”
Chifuyu nods. He’s afraid of what he might find in his new life, what ordeals he will have to go through, but he knows that he will find Baji eventually. Death doesn’t seem so scary now.
“I’ll come back to you. I promise.”
He swears he can see the glimpse of a tear in Baji’s left eye, at the same time he realizes that he will go back to a life with his friends, but Baji will stay alone. His heart clenches painfully at the thought, but everything is blurry now, and he can feel himself drifting off. He squeezes Baji’s hand one last time before falling into unconsciousness.
**
When Chifuyu wakes up, his cheeks are wet with tears. He frowns and wipes them with the sleeve of his pajamas, not sure why he started crying like that so early in the morning. He has become used to the tears these past few months, Baji's death a permanent weight on his heart, but right now he doesn't feel empty as usual. Instead, he's almost... Appeased?
“Probably had a weird dream,” he thinks, and then sits up to prepare himself to go to school. He has to hurry, because he promised to lend a manga to Takemichi before their classes start and they don’t go to the same school.
One last tear rolls on his cheek when he passes by the landing of the stairs, where the only things here are piles of cardboard boxes waiting to be picked up by their owner. He remembers a time, a few years ago, where he spent the night with Baji here. It feels familiar, like he was here yesterday, but he knows it happened a long time ago. He's replayed the scene in his mind so many times that thinking about it almost feels like coming home. He misses his best friend so bad.
Chifuyu wonders if they will meet again, sixty or seventy of years from now, when he will die as well, if there's a place souls go to when they leave their physical bodies behind. It's not the first time he thinks about it, but it's the first time he believes it firmly.