Work Text:
Some days were worse than others. Today was one of the bad days. One of the days where Peter’s feet were made of lead, his head filled with cotton, his eyes never quite dry. One of those days where he wanted to drop everything and grieve, but alas the world didn’t stop for one sad teenager. So he moved on, and when he couldn’t, he forced a smile and pretended he could.
It wasn’t all bad. He had good days too. Yesterday had been a good day, he had gotten an A on his Spanish test, had hung out with the Avengers, saved three kids from a car accident, and had gotten Thai food with his Aunt May. But today, he had woken up and recognized the heavy feeling settling in his bones. The calendar showed that it would have been her birthday today. She would have been seventeen, instead she was gone.
He regretted looking at the calendar.
--
“Happy birthday dear Gwen!” They sang, “Happy birthday to you!”
She blew out the candles, struggling to break her large grin in order to do so. The more she tried, the more she was interrupted by laughter. Eventually, she was able to blow the fourteen candles out one by one.
“Thanks guys, I almost wasn’t sure what to wish for. This is already so perfect!” Her smile was contagious, and Peter felt his own grin grow. She cut them all a slice of cake.
“So what did you wish for?” Harry asked, always the nosy questioner. Peter leaned more into Harry’s side, and in turn, Harry tightened his arm around Peter, pressing a small kiss to his forehead.
“I wished for this to never end!”
But that’s not how life works.
--
Peter never told anyone what really happened. They all knew the version he made up. The version that the media knows with a few extra lies thrown in. He felt guilty for lying, sure, but this wasn’t for him.
He was protecting Harry, whether or not he deserved that. Or maybe Harry just made a convenient excuse as to why he couldn’t speak when he tried to mention the events of that night.
Either way, the Green Goblin was a faceless villain of the past to everyone else, who left wreckage and heartbreak in his wake, but couldn’t hurt anyone now. Peter made sure of that. Had ruined his own body, his own life, to make sure of that. And then spent the extra time every day to guarantee that nobody saw the scars. So that’s what he did this morning, even when his feet dragged, his heartbeat slowed, and his eyesight blurred, he hid the scars and moved on.
--
The cold water splashed on his face. It didn’t wake him up as much as he hoped it would. He looked into the bathroom mirror, half expecting to see Uncle Ben in the reflection, like he had all those months ago when the grief was particularly heavy.
-
The cold water felt like acid and his face hurt. That was probably his fault for rubbing his face raw but he hadn’t even felt it at first. That should have concerned him. It didn’t.
“How do you do it?”
Peter glanced up tiredly and saw the hollow face of Uncle Ben staring back at him. He had been seeing him since the accident. Sometimes he was bloody, sometimes he wasn’t. Today, Peter was glad he had been spared from the blood.
“Do what?” But Peter knew what was coming. He had memorized their little script by now. It was always the same.
“Keep going on like you didn’t kill me. Didn’t kill Gwen. Didn’t ruin Harry’s life. How do you move on so easily?”
Peter didn’t dignify him with a response. He wanted to believe that he was above responding to his own guilt-driven hallucinations but really he was just too tired to speak at all.
“You could have saved me.”
And didn’t that statement always give Peter the energy to speak?
“I know . ” He let out a strangled sob. “I know I could have. But I didn’t and now you’re gone !”
Peter spun around, ready to scream more. But Ben wasn’t there. Peter let out a sigh of relief while simultaneously holding back a sob.
He slumped to the floor, suddenly out of energy. He didn’t cry. He wouldn’t have been able to find the tears even if he wanted to.
“Peter? Is everything alright in there?” May sounded concerned . No, May sounded tired.
He was being a burden again. So he did what he did best, he got up and moved on.
-
Peter looked away from the mirror.
--
The thing about trauma is that it doesn’t isolate itself from one another. You can’t get triggered from one trauma and not be reminded of your other traumas. They build off one another, feed off one another. There wasn’t a damn thing Peter could do about it.
Today was Gwen’s birthday, but suddenly the picture of Uncle Ben on the wall stung more than it had yesterday. Harry’s name was stuck to the tip of Peter’s tongue. The urge to scrub and scrub at his body for hours until it felt clean was just as prominent as it had been at 7 years old, when Peter didn’t even know the correct words to describe what had happened to him. Every song felt a little too much like his mother singing him a lullaby before saying her final goodbye.
It was Gwen’s birthday, but the pain of everyone Peter had ever lost came back all at once. It was Gwen’s birthday, but everyone was missing.
--
He went to school, just like normal. He smiled at his friends. He answered when he was called on in class. He was perfectly fine. He flinched when Ned touched his shoulder. He jumped when MJ appeared behind him. He left math class to have a panic attack.
He was perfectly fine.
--
“Hey Pete, are you okay? You look a little pale.”
“Pete, please, are you alright? You don’t have to put yourself through this.”
He flinched when Ned touched his shoulder.
-
“Has Flash been bothering you again? Will you please let us help?”
“Peter! I know you love him but he isn’t who he used to be. He’s hurting you, and you are just letting him! Please… please don’t do this to yourself. Let me help you. Let your Aunt and Uncle help you. Let someone help you, please.”
He jumped when MJ appeared behind him.
-
“It’s okay. If anything ever happens to me then I know Spider-Man will save me.”
Peter felt his heart stop.
<No, no, no. Please don’t say that. Please don’t expect that from me. Please, please. I’m just a kid. I’m just a kid. I can’t save you. I’m nothing, and nobody. Please don’t ask me to save you.>
“If you’re nothing without this suit, then you shouldn’t have it.”
“What about the Avengers? They could save you.”
“Not like Spider-Man can.”
But Spider-Man couldn’t save anyone. Peter Parker couldn’t save anyone, not even himself.
“Hello? Hello! Please. Hey, I’m down here! I’m down here. I’m stuck. I can’t move. I can’t…”
He left math class to have a panic attack.
--
He got to the Tower after school, just like normal. He chatted in the car until Happy put up the divider. He worked in the lab with Mr. Stark and Dr. Banner. He ate dinner with the Avengers. He trained with Ms. Nat and Mr. Steve. He was perfectly fine. He shut down when Dr. Banner said the wrong thing. He flinched when Mr. Stark mentioned birthdays. He blinked away tears when Nat said that they loved him.
He was perfectly fine.
-
“I swear kid, one day you will be known as the next Einstein or something.”
“Look at you, Einstein. You are so smart, so pretty. Let’s play a different game now.”
He shut down when Dr. Banner said the wrong thing.
-
“Hey, kiddo. Do you want the last slice of cake from Natasha’s birthday? It’s been a few days so it’s free game and I know you’ve gotta be hungry.”
“ Happy birthday dear Gwen! Happy birthday to you!”
He flinched when Mr. Stark mentioned birthdays.
-
“You know we love you, right? You can come to us if something is wrong.”
“Nobody is ever going to love you like I do, Peter. I am the only one that would put up with your bullshit so why don’t you just shut up and listen to me?”
He blinked away tears when Nat said that they loved him.
--
He went on patrol, just like normal. He helped an old lady cross the road. He saved a young woman from being assaulted. He protected a young boy’s mother from a burning building. He stopped an armed robbery. He was perfectly fine. His suit was too tight. Everything was too close. He felt exposed, even when wrapped in a billion dollar nanotech suit. He felt unsafe, he always did.
He was perfectly fine.
-
“Stop! Get away from me you creep. You’re hurting me. Stop! Stop!”
“I don’t like this game. Can we please play something else? This one hurts.”
His suit was too tight. Everything was too close.
-
“Spider-Man, my mommy is in there! Please save her. Please.”
“Your mother and father, they… Their plane, it-” She never finished her sentence, but Peter got the idea anyway.
He felt exposed, even when wrapped in a billion dollar nanotech suit.
-
“Spider-Man.”
Spider-Man.
Spider-Man.
He felt unsafe, he always did.
-
“I swear that you guys are gonna be the next big business power couple! Just like Tony Stark and Pepper Potts,” Gwen gasped, “Does that mean I get to be the next Colonel Rhodes?”
Peter giggled, looking adoringly to Harry, before turning back to Gwen, “I guess that means the two of us will get to be superheroes, what should our names be?”
Gwen pondered for a moment, “I’d probably be something like Spider-Girl or Spider-Gwen”
She had interned at Oscorp. She had seen the spiders. It could have been her. It could have been her.
“Why spiders? That’s an odd choice,” Harry piped in, tilting his head.
“I just really love spiders and then I could be a spider themed superhero! Think about how awesome that would be.”
Peter still wonders if she was lying. Wonders if she had known something he hadn’t.
“Well, I guess I’d be Spider-Man then and we could be partners,” Peter lightly commented.
Harry snorted. It was an ugly sound, but Peter pretended he didn't mind.
“Good luck with that, Spider-Man. ”
-
It was days like these where Peter wonders why he did it. Wonders if it was worth it. If he hadn’t ever met Harry, then Gwen would still be alive. If he hadn’t become Spider-Man, then Harry wouldn’t have gone evil. If he hadn’t gone on that field trip, he never would have become Spider-Man.
Why was he Spider-Man? Could he really save anyone?
He hadn’t even been strong enough to ask for help when he needed it. How can he be expected to help others when he couldn’t help himself?
--
The Avengers were worried. Their spider baby, their sunshine child was hurting and nobody knew why.
It was a pain so subtle that they had almost missed it. He smiled just the same, but it no longer reached his eyes. He laughed just as loud, but it sounded slightly weary. His face still shined with youthful innocence, but the bags under his eyes grew.
He flinched when Tony mentioned birthday cake. He blinked away tears when Nat said that they loved him. He cringed when Bruce mentioned Einstein. He wasn't okay and they didn't know why.
They wanted to help. They watched Peter help anyone he could, no matter what it cost him. It crushed them that he refused to accept help for himself. But this would not deter them, they would help him, even if it was the last thing they did. And so began the unraveling of a pain sixteen years deep .
--
"Happy birthday to you..."
--