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You stared at the little notebook on your table hard as you picked your way through your meal. The pages within seemed to mock you, even though you couldn't see them.
You bit down fiercely on a mouthful of plain rice, stomach already sour and churning from your day, and necessitating a simple meal so as not to irritate it further.
"Stupid," you muttered, turning your gaze away from the notebook.
It was, wasn't it? You should have known not to show it to anyone; should have known that getting your hopes up about it was just setting yourself up for disappointment.
You cleared the table, leaving the notebook where it was and settling on the couch, wrapping yourself in your favorite shuriken-print blanket (stolen from the bedroom) with a cup of tea as you willed your nerves to calm before Kakashi returned home.
You didn't want him to see you like this because you knew he'd worry; the feelings today had brought to the surface had been simmering quietly for a long time. Stinging, one-off comments that should have been forgettable on their own piled up until you felt like you were suffocating.
Today had just been the final straw, the last little bit that sent the whole tower of your insecurities cascading down, smothering you.
Your hands trembled around the warm teacup in your hands as you breathed slowly in and out, focusing on the way the air filled your lungs before shushing softly out of your throat and mouth.
You should know better, you reminded yourself, than to expect anything else.
When you heard the keys in the front door, you closed your eyes and focused on presenting yourself as far more composed than you felt.
Kakashi announced his return, shedding the bulkiest of his shinobi gear in the entryway as you welcomed him home.
Almost immediately, you could feel a sense of peace drift over you. Kakashi's presence was always warm and reassuring--even if you could still feel the tumult of insecurities shivering just beneath the surface.
Kakashi joined you on the couch, leaning over and pressing a kiss to your cheek without thinking.
"Mm," he hummed, nuzzling against your cheek for a moment, eyes blissfully closed as he took in your presence, "it's good to see you."
"You too," you said, smiling thinly.
But that was your mistake. Because as soon as Kakashi's gaze met yours, even with his sharingan eye firmly closed, you could see the spark of recognition.
"What's wrong?" he asked.
You wanted to laugh at the sincerity in his tone, at the genuine, deep-seated concern he had for you.
This man... you bit your lip as the next thought shot into your mind before you could stop it. You could feel the meager control you had over yourself wavering, and so you stared straight ahead at the wall, knowing that if you made eye contact with him again, you'd lose it.
Because the thought that had entered your mind was this man is too good for me, I don't deserve him.
And even if the logical part of your brain knew that wasn't true, it was almost impossible not to give yourself over to that feeling.
"Hey," Kakashi's voice pulled you away from your thoughts just enough for you to look at his cheek, still afraid to meet his uncovered eye, "I've had a long day. Why don't we get ready for bed?"
You nodded, dimly aware of the way Kakashi's hand stroked tenderly up and down your arm in a slow, soothing cadence.
"Okay."
The two of you didn't exchange any other words as you prepared for sleep, changing into your bedclothes and brushing your teeth while Kakashi took a quick shower to rinse himself of his day.
By the time he emerged from the bathroom, you were already in bed, curled under the blankets and facing away from him, eyes wide as you attempted to coax your mind into a state of calm so you would be able to sleep.
You felt the mattress dip as Kakashi slid beneath the blankets, and you pulled the comforter tight, hoping he would leave you to sulk in the darkness.
He didn't, though, of course--Kakashi Hatake would never leave you to your own devices if he thought there was something wrong.
"Come here," he said, wrapping his arms around you and pulling you close. One arm coiled under your shoulders, rolling you until you were facing him.
"Kakashi, stop it, I'm tired..." you protested, but he ignored your lame attempts to deflect his affections.
Kakashi situated you to his liking easily, pulling one of your arms to drape against his waist and hitching your leg over his own as both his arms encircled you. He tucked your head securely beneath his chin, tilting his face down to kiss the top of your head.
The two of you laid there in silence for a long time, Kakashi's fingers dancing over your forearm in that same soothing cadence from the couch.
"Tell me what's wrong."
You curled in on yourself, pressing your face against your companion's collarbone as you squeezed your eyes closed. How pathetic that such a simple sentence could beckon those tears to your eyes once more.
"Nothing," you said, your voice small and unconvincing against his chest.
He chuckled softly, the vibration of his disbelief manifested in the gentle rumble you could feel emanating from his chest.
"That's not true," he said, simply. Kakashi maneuvered so he could look at your forehead and you titled your face up to tentatively peer up at him. "Please," he said, expression taut with concern, "I want to help."
You shook your head again, pressing your face against his neck. You inhaled deeply, drawing in his scent on instinct. The smell of his lightly scented soap permeated your senses and calmed your nerves.
"What if..." you started, quietly, "what if I'm not good enough?"
Kakashi snorted. "What are you talking about? That's ridiculous."
You tilted your face back and glared at him fiercely. "I mean it, Kakashi."
He shook his head, and even in the haze of your sadness and disappointment, you could recognize the love and affection in his concerned expression.
You settled against his chest again, staring at the bedside table as you continued, "Sometimes I feel like no matter what I do, it will never matter to anyone but me. I can be so proud of my accomplishments and then..." you sighed and Kakashi's arms tightened around you, encouraging you silently to keep going. "I hate that I can be so excited about something and then one sentence--one word--of negativity from another person can rip that all away. Sometimes I feel like the things that matter to me, that I feel like I'm good at, will never matter to anyone else. That no one will see the same value in it that I do."
You realized a few stray tears had slipped over your cheeks as you spoke, and you swiped your face against Kakashi's shirt to dry them.
Kakashi was quiet for a long time, his hand still brushing up and down your arm. Your anxiety began to ratchet up in the silence, your hand on his torso gripping fiercely at his shirt as you waited for his response.
"You know," he said, finally, "I'm incredibly proud of you, right?"
Whatever dam you'd erected to stem the flow of your emotions broke and you curled against Kakashi tightly, burying your face in his chest. It was more than a few stray tears this time, this was a flood of your emotions--insecurities and disappointments and regrets surging down your face and soaking Kakashi's shirt. All it had taken was a single encouraging sentence from the Copy Ninja for you to unravel.
You felt Kakashi's fingers thread into your hair, gently coaxing your head up so you could look at him.
You met his eyes--both of them--in the darkness, streams of tears still running down your face.
"I am so lucky to have you in my life, so grateful that you're here with me. Everyone who has met you is better for it, even if they don't know how lucky they are." He leaned forward and pressed a kiss to your forehead. When he pulled back, he was smiling softly. "Your achievements are worthy even if other people can't see the worth in them. I know how hard you work, I know how much love and care your pour into everything you do and if other people can't see that, it's their loss."
You crumpled under the weight of his praise and devotion, relishing the way he held you close as you continued to cry, finally allowing the emotions of the day--the week, the month, the year--free reign over your body.
It took a while for you to fully calm, and Kakashi never wavered in his whispered reassurances and gently, calming touches. When you finally pulled away, one of Kakashi's calloused fingers brushed under each of your eyes, flinging away the last of your tears.
"I love you," he said.
You laughed, disbelieving and so grateful because you knew it was true. "I love you, too."
You went to the bathroom, patting at your red, swollen eyes and flushed cheeks with a soft towel after rinsing your face with cool water. You were quite a sight in the aftermath of your mini-breakdown and you chuckled at your less-than-best appearance in the mirror.
When you returned to bed, Kakashi offered you a glass of water and you couldn't help but tease him self-consciously about the new shirt he was wearing.
"Yeah," he said, "the old one got wet somehow. Very strange; there must be a leak in the ceiling somewhere."
He grinned and you swatted him playfully for the terrible joke as you crawled into bed. As you settled back into Kakashi's warm embrace, you sighed, feeling lighter than you had all day.
"You know," he said, "if anyone ever diminishes your accomplishments, I would be happy to... pay them a visit and help them reconsider their stance."
Your cheeks pulled taut in a smile. "Somehow, I imagine that probably isn't a good idea," you said, though you could admit the idea was quite tempting.
You felt Kakashi shrug as he settled further into his pillow. "The offer stands. You just let me know."
You leaned up to press a kiss to Kakashi's lips, sighing gratefully when he returned the gesture tenderly, one hand cupping your cheek.
You pulled away, leaning your forehead against his and closing your eyes blissfully. "I'll be sure to keep that in mind."
You snuggled against him once more, feeling the exhaustion wrought by your emotional display overwhelm you as Kakashi's hands stroked over your arms and back, soothing you to sleep.
Maybe not everyone would see the breadth of your hard work. Maybe it was impossible to dream that you would be able to convince some people of the worth of your accomplishments.
But knowing Kakashi would always be there in your corner, cheering you on and beaming with pride, was worth more than anyone else's opinion.