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Evan drifted back into a hazy awareness. The light behind his eyelids was bright, brighter than anything he’d experienced in the last few weeks, and the air around him smelled...clean? Cleaner? Maybe too clean, almost clinical and steril. Evan shifted and immediately stifled a groan as his body flared in pain. His right arm was kind of numb but the rest of him felt stiff and sore and tenderized—as was normal for him, nowadays. His back in particular burned, and his left shoulder throbbed in pain with every beat of his heart.
“Kid?”
Evan groaned, pressing his face into the pillow. His hallucinations were starting to become a bit too vivid, and Evan wasn’t sure if that was an indicator of his mental state or physical—
Pillow.
His face was on a pillow.
He hadn’t touched a pillow in weeks.
Not since—
Evan’s eyes shot open on a panicked gasp, attempting to take in his surroundings as he coiled his body to prepare for a fight—ow ow ow OW FUCK—
“Take it easy, kid. Just breathe, okay? You’re safe, Evan.”
A hand gripped his elbow and another gripped his hip, holding him in place. But unlike the scores of hands that had touched him and held him down over the last few weeks...for the first time, he felt safety and comfort instead of pain and suffering.
Evan blinked again.
Steve’s face swam into view, strong and sure as ever, but lined with a deep ache and concern. His eyes were brighter than Evan had ever seen them, but also...sadder.
“You with me, Evan?”
“Yeah,” Evan croaked. He hadn’t exactly thought that his rescue had been a dream or a hallucination, and getting shot had been one hell of a pinch to confirm that he was awake through it, but the steps of the journey that led to him lying in a...a hospital bed, probably...were worryingly absent from his mind.
“Where’re we?”
“Landstuhl,” Steve said, and Evan mentally reeled at the news. Somehow he’d been taken all the way to the military hospital in Germany and he’d been out of it for the entire trip. How bad off had he been? Evan grimaced to himself; he knew exactly how bad it had been, he’d lived through every grim moment of it. “The whole team is here, waiting for you to wake up.”
“Can you tell ‘em I’m still asleep?” Evan mumbled, rolling his face into the pillow. Even after being unconscious for as long as he had been, part of Evan wanted to take advantage of the soft bedding he’d missed and just rest without any thought to what had happened to put him there.
“I could, but the nursing staff would out me as a liar immediately,” Steve said frankly.
Evan smirked half-heartedly, “Can’t piss off the nursing staff if you wanna sneak me in some snacks.”
“Got that right,” Steve said. His hands were still on Evan’s shoulder and hip, holding him steady like he was afraid Evan would try to move again. Steve caught him staring and shrugged unconcernedly. “You roll one way or the other, you’re gonna be in a world of hurt. You good to stay put?”
Evan nodded. He was in no rush to put pressure on his flayed back or his gunshot wound any time soon, and lying on his stomach would only aggravate further injuries. Steve nodded and withdrew his hands, settling more comfortably into the chair he’d pulled flush with Evan’s bed.
“Y’know, I can’t believe after all the shit they put me through, it wasn’t until you guys tried to rescue me that I ended up getting shot,” Evan joked morbidly. His mind hadn’t quite gotten to the processing state of dealing with his trauma yet; thinking about the last few weeks hurt—thinking about Trevor hurt—but the breakdown he knew would be coming for him wasn’t yet on the horizon. He hoped it could at least wait until after he got debriefed, but he tried not to hope too strongly.
“There was no trying about it, you’re officially rescued,” Steve said, giving Evan a rueful smirk. The smirk abruptly dropped into a scowl as Steve leaned forward, looking at Evan like he didn’t know whether to strangle him or hug him.
“You know you’re already being considered for a Navy Cross? For that stunt you pulled with me,” Steve said, and he had the uncanny ability to make his voice sound both proud and scolding at the same time.
“I don’t want it,” Evan said petulantly. He didn’t want a medal; sure, he was glad he saved Steve and that he was okay, but he didn’t deserve to be rewarded for this whole...experience that led up to it.
“People rarely do, but they’re still gonna make you stand through the pinning ceremony,” Steve deadpanned. He growled suddenly, wiping a hand down his face before pinning Evan with an angered and exasperated look.
“What the fuck were you thinking, Evan?”
Evan didn’t have to ask what he was talking about. His shoulder throbbed in an unpleasant reminder. “I was thinking I wasn’t about to watch another person I care about die in front of me. It would’ve hit your head, Steve. My shoulder was a better target.”
“You weren’t thinking about your shoulder when you swapped us.”
Evan couldn’t argue that, but he decided to dig his hole deeper by not keeping his mouth shut. “They didn’t just kill Trevor. They made me watch the life drain from his eyes. They—they bled him dry and tried to drown me in it.”
Evan’s entire body felt like it was vibrating, but he couldn’t stop. “I wasn’t about to let you get shot right in front of me when I could actually do something this time! If I’d just let you get shot after seeing you lined up for it? I’d...I’d be responsible for two deaths—”
“You aren’t responsible for Trevor’s death.”
“You weren’t there, Steve—”
“No, but I know you, and I know what situation you were put in. Trevor was dead the moment they decided to kill him, they just tortured you in the process of doing it. Nothing you could’ve said, no fake or real intel, would have spared him. Do you understand?”
“I should’ve figured out something—”
“You’re making it real hard not to punch you in the face right now, Ev.”
Evan scowled, giving Steve a withering look. “You can’t hit me, I’ve been beaten up enough.”
“That’s not stopping you from beating yourself up. So either I do it for you, or quit it.”
Evan scoffed, settling into the bed. “You’re the worst.”
“If you want someone to blame, blame me.”
“Why would I blame you? You weren’t even there.”
“You’re under my command, both of you, and if anything happens to you, it’s on me. You two never should’ve been put in that situation in the first place.”
“S’not your fault, you were working with the intel we were given. It’s the CIA’s fault,” Evan muttered.
Steve snorted. “I won’t tell Marsh you said that, if only because I’d rather you blame the CIA than yourself. Just promise me you won’t go after the CIA for revenge; I cannot handle that action movie bullshit.”
Evan gave a small smile. He missed the banter; with Steve, with his team, with...with Trevor. For the first time in three weeks, something that reminded him of Trevor made him smile.
Of course, thinking of Trevor at all had him thinking about the last few weeks again. He knew protocol, and he knew that he’d be expected to debrief his experiences, but the idea of reliving every bit of torture just so intelligence could try to squeeze an ounce of useful intel regarding his captors was anxiety-inducing.
“Will you be in the debrief?” Evan asked, hating that he sounded like a scared child asking for his parent to hold his hand during a routine shot at the doctor’s office.
“You bet,” Steve nodded, answering with zero hesitation. “Like hell I’m letting you go through that alone. You’ll know the interviewer, too. Same guy who grilled us after Herst.”
Evan nodded. He’d liked how clinical the interviewer had been going through events, never once assigning fault or making Evan feel like he’d done something wrong. Selfishly, he looked forward to the lack of judgment that awaited him.
“You’re gonna have to talk to a psych, too. Nope, don’t open your mouth,” Steve snapped, raising a hand when Evan inhaled to voice a protest. “It’s non-negotiable, kid. You’ve gotta talk about it, and you’ve gotta talk about it with someone who has clearance. That’s in short supply, so take advantage of it now before you have to deal with civilians.”
“What’re they gonna do if I don’t?” Evan asked petulantly.
“You won’t be allowed back to duty, for one.”
“What if I don’t want to return to duty?”
The words were whispered, like a confession he could barely find the breath to give life to. Evan stared resolutely at one of the bedside monitors, avoiding Steve’s gaze.
“Well, easy answer first: you still need to talk to the psych if you want an honorable discharge. Which...Evan, you are eligible for a medical discharge if that’s what you really want.” Steve paused, and Evan heard him swallow before he took a deep breath.
“That’s not a decision you should make right now, Ev. You just got rescued after five weeks in captivity—”
“Yeah, I know, I was there for that,” Evan snapped.
“And you are just finding your footing again. No one’s gonna let you make a lasting decision like that until you take a few days to process. If you do decide to leave...you know I’ve got your back. Whatever you want to or need to do, I’m here for you. The whole team is.”
“Careful, Steve. You’re gonna start to ooze with all that sap.”
“I can go take my dulcet tones elsewhere, the sap has not glued me to my chair yet,” Steve said, sounding offended. Evan knew the tone was all in jest.
“I’m serious, Steve,” Evan said quietly, averting his gaze and finding a vaguely interesting section of wall to look at. “I don’t think I can do it anymore.”
Steve hummed noncommittally. “Walk me through where your mind’s at.”
Evan swallowed, resisting the urge to shift his body into a ‘more comfortable’ position that would only cause him more pain.
“I just...they broke something in me,” Evan whispered finally. “They broke that little switch that lets me be capable of this job... Sure, maybe it could be fixed, but—if it breaks again? That’ll break me.”
Steve remained silent, giving Evan an appraising look. Evan couldn’t be sure what was going through his mind. Despite his earlier assurance that he’d back Evan’s decision, part of him was concerned that Steve was gearing up for a speech to keep him in the SEALs, something along the lines of how the team needed him or how they couldn’t lose two members at the same time, and Evan dreaded it.
He knew that if Steve tried to guilt trip him he’d give in and stay, because the thought of his team out there on missions without him to have their back was entirely unsettling. But worse than that was the fear of not being at full capacity and putting the team at risk because his head wasn’t completely in the game. That would get more people killed, and that would be a shitty way to honor Trevor’s memory. Evan didn’t think he could risk it.
Eventually, Steve caught his eye again and swallowed. “You’re one of the strongest people I know, Evan. Not a lot of people can get through what you had to endure, and then bounce back and even attempt a conversation right now.”
“I don’t feel like I’ve bounced back,” Evan admitted lowly. He felt like a television program on pause, waiting for someone to hit play and for reality to crash down around him, may it be in the form of still being held in captivity or finally admitting that he was back in the real world after leaving Trevor behind.
“You don’t have to. But I’ve seen you smile three times at least since you’ve woken up, and that tells me that we didn’t lose the Evan Buckley we know and love.”
A smile didn’t seem like the proper indication of sanity but Evan wasn’t about to argue.
“Aww, you love me, Steve?”
“Yeah, kid, I do.”
Evan blinked, startled by the frank honesty.
“I trust that you know yourself, and if you think you aren’t fit for duty anymore, I’ll believe you. But I just want you to make sure you trust yourself before you make it official, okay?”
“What’s that supposed to mean?”
“Just...promise me you won’t leave as some sort of penance for Trevor’s death.”
Evan swallowed down the reflexive ‘I won’t’ he wanted to say, knowing that if he spit it out too fast, Steve wouldn’t believe him. He...it wasn’t Trevor’s death that had him feeling like he couldn’t be a SEAL any longer. Or rather, it wasn’t his role in Trevor’s death. He felt...
Well, that was it.
He felt.
He felt things too strongly, he always had. Going into the SEALs, he’d learned how to shove those emotions into a bag of luggage and leave it to return to after the mission. He’d gotten good at that, and not for nothing, but he was an excellent operative. Now...the luggage bag was too worn, and he had more emotions and trauma than he’d had before, and he was trying to stuff it all into the same bag. Evan was afraid that the zipper would split and he’d never be able to close the bag again. Worse, it would happen on a mission.
Evan just didn’t want to stuff that luggage bag anymore. He wanted to be able to feel emotions again, freely, without having to shove them away.
“I promise,” Evan said, honestly, and Steve must have sensed the truth to his words because he nodded solemnly.
“You good for the team to visit? They’ve been worried about you,” Steve asked, standing and stretching his back.
“Yeah,” Evan breathed. For the first time since he’d woken up, he did want to see the others. “Just, ah, don’t tell them about my career plans yet?”
“Like I said, Ev, no decisions to be made until you get a chance to rest,” Steve said, giving Evan a no-nonsense look. “But I won’t say a word; you can tell them what you want them to know, and I’ll say nothing more.”
“Thanks.”
Steve nodded, and before he stepped away from the bed, he ran a comforting hand over Evan’s arm. “It’s really good to see you, kid.”
Evan smiled weakly, and was even able to hold it until Steve left the room, then he let it drop from his face with a withered sigh. He really was grateful to be back with the team...he just wished Trevor could be here with him.