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The boys gathered around in a circle from within the cave. Everyone was there, except Charlie and Knox. Their absence was all too apparent to Neil. One member missing a meeting was tolerable, but two? Especially those two specifically? The meeting just didn’t feel the same. Charlie and Knox always brought a special energy to the meetings. There was an invisible flame that ignited at the start of each meeting. That flame was dull without them. In the midst of setting things up, he asked, “Any clue where Charlie and Knox are?”
Todd, hugging his knees, looked up at Neil, a sort of guilt filling his eyes. The answers he wished he had weren’t there, and even though it held little importance, he found big importance in disappointing Neil. He then looked down again and shook his head. Pitts and Meeks apologetically shook their heads as well. Cameron, however, stole a quick glance at Neil before he stared off into the distance.
“Knox came into our room after we got ready for the night. I know the two were having their own conversation, but I didn’t really pay attention.” Cameron said, a tinge of jealousy hidden in his words. He sighed, “Once it was time, I asked if they were going to come to the meeting, and Charlie said ‘We’ll catch up with you later.’”
Earlier that evening
Charlie laid on his bed, his back leaning against the wall. Knox sat on the edge of the bed. Charlie has been staring at him every chance he can get; when he won’t get caught. When there was that silence and Knox would be sulking into the distance. When he goes on off a tangent and is too caught up in it to look back at him. These moments to Charlie and so much more felt like time had frozen and they were the only ones present in this universe. Time stopped for him--for the both of them, and he didn’t want it to thaw.
He couldn’t stop that, however.
Knox didn’t know.
How could he really? He doesn’t see the way Charlie longingly looks at him from behind when they’re in English class. He doesn’t see the way he looks at his hand when they’re in Science class. He doesn’t see his eyes trail up from Knox’s hands to his neck. He could never know that Charlie yearns for his best friend, because he doesn’t let Knox have an ounce of that knowledge. Or anyone, for a matter of fact. He’s been hiding his feelings from everyone for years now. Their friendship was too good to lose, and he didn’t want to risk anything. He wanted to savor every moment with him, even if it meant never getting the happy ending he wanted.
Charlie resisted sighing once Knox was done rambling and looked down. He always does this, then he’d look up at him to make it seem like Knox was the first to focus on him. This time however, he looked at his coat. Knox noticed this.
“Think we should start heading out as well?” He asked in a low tone. Charlie shrugged.
“I guess it wouldn’t hurt.” Charlie softly replied, looking at Knox. He nodded his head and smiled. His smile shone brighter than all the stars spread across the sky. He wanted to preserve that light, keep it in his pocket to make sure it never goes away. He smiled back at him. “I can wait here in my room if you want.”
“Sure.” Charlie’s smile softened to a half-hearted one, his best attempts to hide his disappointment. Knox started to head off back into his room, and Charlie couldn’t help but stare at the doorway. He sighed and let the back of his head hit the wall. He wanted to follow him, but he would never be able to forgive himself if he played the creep in his love story.
These moments to him felt like time had slowed. That the only one present was himself, as if the universe wanted him to suffer. As if the universe wanted him to experience what felt like hours without his battery. Charlie was a radio that never stopped playing and Knox was the battery that kept him going. Without him, he was mute; he was silent. He heard footsteps approaching his room and he fixed his somber composure.
“Why are you still laying down?” Knox laughed and extended his hand, “C’mon, let’s get going.”
Charlie could feel his heart pump faster and faster as he stared at Knox’s hand. He grabbed his hand quickly to avoid Knox getting any ideas. It was warm, and it fit nicely in his palm. To his dismay, he only got to experience this for a brief moment. Knox pulled him up and patted his back before letting go.
“Are you alright? You seem out of it.” The concern laced in his voice made Charlie feel bad. Perhaps he’s still not good at putting his feelings aside for him.
“Yeah,” Charlie sighed, his mind quickly scrambling for a lie, “Just really nervous about our Trig test.”
“Oh god, tell me about it.” The two started heading out. “Maybe we can have another study group tomorrow night.”
“Yeah…” Charlie muttered, burying his hands in his coat pockets, “Why didn’t you go to the party?”
“The only reason I’d go is because of Chris, and that doesn’t really feel like a good enough reason.”
“Yeah, but this is Chris. I thought you liked her?”
“Everyone thinks that.” Knox reaffirmed, irritation in his voice, “I mean--she’s pretty, sure, and she has the personality to match. But I only see her as a friend. I don’t know, I don’t think I’m interested in anyone right now.”
Charlie’s face is flushed with embarrassment, and he can’t thank the dark night enough for hiding his face well. He keeps replaying Knox’s words in his head. He knows how much of a hopeless romantic Knox can be. Fuck, he’s known him for years, and has been in love with him for a majority of that time. Charlie, however, isn’t like that. No matter how much he wants to give this relationship hope, he thinks he’s just beating a dead horse at this point.
“I mean, there is one person, though. Sometimes I dismiss it, but Chris has been pointing out my behavior whenever that person comes up in conversation.” Knox said, trying his best to remain vague.
“Do.. Do I know them?” Charlie’s curiosity piqued.
“Maybe you do, maybe you don’t.” Knox said, a smirk spreading on his face, “What say you? Got anyone you can’t stop thinking about?”
“No.” Charlie panicked, lying to save himself, “I mean, I would’ve told you something, you know?”
Knox cleared his throat, then said under his breath, “That’s… a shame…”
Charlie turned his head towards him and noticed his sudden sullen face. He stuttered, “Wh-what did you say?’
“Oh,” Knox looked back at Charlie and his breath hitched, “Just said ‘You’re right’. That’s all.” He half-heartedly snickered and smiled.
Charlie felt like he did something wrong, like he was carrying a delicate, big glass vase and tripped over a step. All he could do was watch in horror as the glass shattered into pieces in every which way. What was left was to be honest. He couldn’t hide this mess, or at least not completely. “Okay well, maybe I do like someone.”
“You’re joking.”
“I’m not… I’ve just been too scared to tell anyone.”
“Oh, come on, Charlie,” He looks at him in disbelief then shakes his head, “I’ve been your best friend for how many years now? You can tell me anything.”
Not just anything. Charlie thought. Knox started prying him for answers, “So, tell me about this person.”
“You can’t just ask me that when you refuse to answer my question. Go on, loverboy, if you just so dare to find out whom I seek.” He teased.
Knox laughed, “Okay fine. He--fuck. Uh-” He stammered and quickly looked at Charlie, hoping he would just leave it alone.
“So it’s a guy-” Charlie smirked.
“Listen--now--before you get any ideas, okay, I’m-” Charlie laughs and cuts him off, gesturing to him to stop.
“Jesus, Knoxious, slow down or you’re gonna give yourself a heart attack. Now let me tell you two things: First and foremost, the last thing I’ll ever be is a homophobe, so don’t worry. Lastly, you’re acting like I’m going to tell your parents and no--I hate them and don’t want to talk to them given the opportunity. I’m also not going to out you to anyone to begin with. So calm down.” Charlie reassures him.
“Thank you, I really needed to hear that.” Knox said, taking a couple big breaths of relief. “Are you, also gay?”
“Yeah, I’m bi.”
“Oh, I didn’t expect you to say yes, to be honest.”
“Well look who’s talking.”
“Touche. Well, who-”
“Nuh-uh, you didn’t answer my question yet.”
“God, okay fine. Yes, you know him. Now, do I know who you like?”
“Yeah, you do know him.” Charlie looked away and blushed, in return making Knox’s face flush red. There was a long silence. Their hearts started to brim with jealousy and those feelings quickly rushed to their head. Knox told himself ‘He deserves way better than that jerk ’. Charlie doubted himself with ‘Of course he’d never settle for someone like me’ .
“So, tell me about your crush.”
“He…” Charlie had to think of how he could tell him without revealing too much, “He’s so… ethereal. He’s practically heaven sent. His face, his personality, his everything. He makes me a different person when I’m around him. I always look at him during class, oftentimes his hand. When I finally got to hold it, I felt the warmth of the sun on a summer’s day. I felt secure. I felt home. I felt serenity.”
Charlie had this smile, the kind that nothing else in the world could create. Not Keating, not the boys, not alcohol--nothing. Knox saw this, but he did not think for a second that he was the one who created that smile. The thought of that ate him up inside. “Maybe… maybe go into specifics?”
“Why?” Charlie got defensive, but Knox mistook it for suspicion and he just couldn’t bear to lie to him.
“Okay, okay. You caught me. I like you, Charlie.” Knox sighed, kicking a pebble in defeat.
“I- What?!” Charlie exclaimed, “Am I hearing you correctly?”
“Look, you can go to the meeting by yourself alright? Tell the boys that I changed my mind and went to the party.”
“Uh, no.” Charlie scoffed, then grabbed the sides of his arms. He looked Knox directly in the eyes and Knox felt like he could die in his grasp, right at this moment. “It’s not that I don’t like you back-”
“So you do?” Charlie stared right at him, his eyes telling to not interrupt him. Knox smiled apologetically.
“It’s not that I don’t like you back, I was just really shocked. Now you’re coming with me to that meeting, because…” Charlie looked down, took a deep breath in, before looking back into his eyes once more, “I like you back. And I don’t just like you, Knox--no--I love you. I have, for years now.”
There was a sense of understanding in their eyes. In this moment, they finally understood why the world stopped for them. They leaned in and kissed each other, and that’s when the world accepted their new leaders. The world was theirs for the taking, always had been, and they weren’t letting go. They were destined to conquer it and rewrite history. Their lips were gentle at first, careful as to make sure that this was real. That they were sure this is the path they wanted. When they knew that it was certain, they melted in each other’s touch. They pulled away to catch a breath, but Knox didn’t come back for seconds.
“What’s the matter?” Charlie asked, almost offended.
“We should probably get going so we’re not too late.” Charlie groaned then pouted at Knox, “Sorry, princess.”
“I’ll forgive you, Prince Charming, if you let me hold your hand all the way through.” He said, smirking. The two of them bursted out laughing before Knox wrapped his hand around his.
“Of course.” And just like that, the two stepped out into their world.
“To live deep and suck out all the marrow of life. To put to rout all that was not life…” The boys paused when they heard familiar voices giggling. Cameron sighed as Charlie and Knox stepped into the cave, but his mouth hung open when he noticed the two were holding hands.
“Well, well, well,” Meeks said, beaming, “Look who decided to finally show up.”
“Finally?” Charlie scoffed, “You guys have just barely started the meeting.”
“You guys seem rather… intimate.” Cameron announced.
Everyone soon noticed the two holding hands. They all smiled at the sight, except Cameron. Knox’s face turned a shade of red and he gripped Charlie’s hand tighter. Charlie rubbed the back of his hand with his thumb and glared at Cameron, “You’ve got a problem with that?”
“No. Not at all.” Cameron shyly looked away. “I apologize if I made it seem like that.”
“Are you guys like, together or something?” Pitts asked. All but Cameron were focused on the two, practically on the edge of their seats for an answer. He couldn’t bear to look at Knox and Charlie, especially when he wished to be Knox right now.
“Well, how about we make it official.” Charlie smiled and then turned to face Knox. “My dutiful prince, would you like to be my boyfriend?”
Knox smiled back, “Of course, my princess.”
The two gave each other a quick peck on the lips and the boys roared for them. As the two settled down next to each other, Charlie rallied them up, “Now how about we get this meeting started?” He stood up and everyone’s flashlights pointed at him. He brushed his hand under Knox’s chin, “Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? Thou art more lovely and more temperate.”
Knox’s breath hitched as he looked at Neil for help, who only flashed a huge smile at him. With his eyebrows he gestured to him to look back at Charlie, and so he did, “That--that was really good.”
“I made that up just for you.”
Knox let out a big breath, “You did?”
“Yeah, I have another one for you, Princey. He walks in beauty like the night.” He paused to think, “He walks in beauty like the night. Of cloudless climes and starry skies. All that’s best, dark and bright. Meet in his aspect and his eyes.”
Charlie smirked as Knox turned red while cracking a smile. He turned his head to everyone else, “Wow, is it hot in here or is it just me?”
The boys applauded Charlie and snickered at Knox’s comment. Charlie’s poems inspire Neil; it was like a sort of slap in the face that he too should start making moves as well. He stands up and the attention is on him. Charlie gets back down and rests his head on Knox’s lap, the two secluded in their own makeshift bubble to pay attention to the rest of the boys. Knox stroked Charlie’s hair as he giggled softly.
“Princey,” He whispered, staring pleadingly into Knox’s eyes, “Where’s my poem?”
Knox chuckled lightly, “Alright, let’s see…” He looked up as his mind searched for the right stream of words. When he was satisfied, he looked down at him again “He is autumn. His eyes, his hair, brown as oak. His lips, his hands, warm as coffee. I could die in his touch, because I am the autumn leaves. I’ve known ever since I fell for him.”
They stared at each other for a brief moment before Knox leaned in and slowly kissed Charlie and pulled away. Before Knox could get his head back up, Charlie grabbed the collar of his shirt and they melted together once more like wax.
In each other’s touch, they died.
They were the autumn leaves, and they’ve known ever since they fell for each other.