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Edo, early July of 1868
Wandering around for days, weeks, months, Kenshin felt like the loneliest person on earth.
He saw the seasons come and go, he looked down at the never stopping rivers that he came across and wondered. How was the earth still spinning, as it always did, when the most important person on it, his very own gravity holding him down here, was long gone?
Instead of feeling like a human being living amongst others, he felt distant and detached from society like the moon. Dark, cold, without any life. Just like the earthly companion, he had started living his life in absolute loneliness, pain his only follower. Tomoe’s death lingered over him like a dark shadow that he couldn’t get rid of. And he didn’t want to get rid of it. He wanted the pain to stay with him. It was, after all, the only proof he had that Tomoe and their time together had actually been real.
He had gotten rid of everything else instead. After the Battle of Toba–Fushimi, he had left behind the sword that marked him as batōssai. The sword that had killed countless people and, in the end, had killed the love of his life. He was disgusted by it, just looking at it had made him sick. And just like his sword, he had left his old identity as serial killer at the battlefield. It was destined to rot with the corpses and the defeated shogunate. Would there be a place for him in this changing world? Would there be redemption for a former killer like him?
As he was approaching Edo, another heavy shower started. The raining season was expected to last at least another week. Besides the frequent rain, the heat was immense. Between the people in colorful yukata a subtle mist intertwined with their robes. Quickly, Kenshin made his way through the densely populated streets. A few western diplomats crossed his path and he hid even more under his bamboo umbrella. Cursed. He cursed everyone. The diplomats in their dainty suits. The happy couples, walking alongside each other and sharing a laugh. The children, running around so happily and naively lucky to be alive as a product of love. A product of two people sharing their lives, their bodies, their will to live and their hope for a better future. Cursed, he cursed them all. And above all, he started cursing himself again for killing his only hope for a future.
After a while, he couldn’t take all the people and noise anymore and fled into a calmer side road. As soon as the sound of the crowds disappeared, the cicadas took over and deafened him once again. Peace and tranquility were hard to find in this buzzing city, though this tiny road was way less busy than the main streets. After taking a deep breath, Kenshin continued strolling around, not even knowing what he was looking for. If he was looking for something at all. He had completely lost his orientation and stumbled through a few backyards, when a tiny black cat crossed his way.
All of a sudden, it had appeared on the path, standing without any protection right in the ongoing rain. The moisture didn’t seem to bother it at all, the cat put its focus on Kenshin instead. It stared at him with yellow eyes and just in this moment, Kenshin noticed the object the animal carried around in its mouth. It was a fragile pinwheel. Memories of Tomoe flooded his mind and for a moment, he was forced to go down on his knees by a pain he felt physically. His garments got soaking wet while he tried to stand up tall again, suppressing the urge to cry. As he looked back to the cat, it had just turned around and started running. Kenshin rose immediately and sprinted, trying to follow the animal through labyrinthine yards. He didn’t know why, but his intuition told him to not let go of the tiny cat.
After a few minutes of running, the cat circled an old, but prosperous looking guest house and disappeared in the gardens of the backyard. Kenshin hesitated for a moment, not sure if he should continue following the feline. But his intuition was louder than his mind and he ended up walking through the wooden gate – into the welcoming green of the garden. At the back, close to the wall, a zen garden awaited the visitors of the yard. It had once been created to imitate the flow of a river. Kenshin was surprised seeing it, as zen gardens were not really in vogue anymore, but someone seemed to maintain this one with a lot of care. He tried looking for the cat, but he couldn’t find it right away.
“I cannot believe my own eyes…” someone murmured and made Kenshin jump. He turned to the side and gazed at the wooden terrace of the guest house. He recognized this face within a few seconds. Sitting there with the black cat nestling up against his legs, Okita Sōji seemed to be just as surprised as Kenshin himself was. Okita, one of his former challengers.
Kenshin peeked at him and the world stopped for a while. It was like he was staring into a slightly distorted mirror. He and Okita both looked defeated – by different forces, but broken likewise. An important strength for living had left them both and actually, left for good. Okita’s health condition seemed to have worsen over the years, the decline was obvious. And Kenshin had lost his very own important aspect for living a healthy life – and had lost it forever. Looking at Okita, he couldn't help but to feel sorry for the formerly proud and confident Shinsengumi member. And he felt sorry for himself just in the same moment, as he stared at him and recognized a crack on the other man’s face. A crack he felt deeply in his heart, a crack he was painfully aware of.
“It has been a while, hasn’t it… Batōssai?”
Okita’s voice was only a faint, uncanny whisper. Kenshin recalled the strong, confident tone when Okita challenged him years ago during the Shinsengumi attack at the Ikedaya Inn. The thin, fragile figure sitting in a western style rocking chair barely resembled the former captain at all. Keshin tried to figure out an answer, but he was overwhelmed with memories from his past that the sight of his rival triggered. He remained silent, only answering by looking back at Okita.
“I would have loved to challenge you once again.” Okita smiled vaguely. “But as you can see, my swords are not with me right now.”
“I see,” Kenshin answered, glancing over the other man’s hands, which rested on the blanket Okita wore over his knees, even though it was summer. His skin looked pale and malnourished, as if his blood had decided to stop its flow while keeping the human barely alive. His face had lost all its color and his cheekbones looked more prominent now – Okita had lost a lot of weight. Instead of wearing his hair in a traditional style, the strands hung over his shoulders without any gloss, rather ashy than of a black color. Kenshin looked away again. It was too painful to observe all the details of the disease.
“But if I might remark that, you do not look good as well.”
Kenshin opened his eyes wide in surprise. Even though Okita was obviously really sick, he still had his immensely sharp senses and had noticed the stares Kenshin gave him immediately.
“I did not mean to be rude. It was more of a shock seeing you like this. I still remember our first encounter vividly.”
“I am sure you do,” Okita giggled and started coughing violently. “I was such a blunt and determined young man back then… Naively trying to win every fight I got myself into.”
“You still are a noble young man,” Kenshin claimed, being absolutely honest. Their fight had been an involuntary remis, caused by Okita’s bad health. The younger man had been a worthy and equal opponent for the infamous batōssai. To this day, he wondered who would have won if they had continued their duel. What could have happened if there would not have been a disease to stop them from fighting against each other. Would they still be alive today?
“They say that I inherited it… The disease.”
Okita switched the topics and yet again, Kenshin was surprised. It seemed like the former Shinsengumi member was able to read his mind.
“In some western countries, they call it ‘consumption’. Well, isn’t that appropriate?”
Kenshin remained quiet while Okita, once again, chuckled. Joking about himself constantly seemed to be his way of dealing with his damned fate. As far as Kenshin knew, this specific disease was uncurable and therefore, Okita was doomed. Another coughing fit shook the young man’s body and he turned away to hide his face behind a white tissue. He tried to put it away quickly, but Kenshin did have enough time to notice the scarlet red stains on it. The quick and experienced way Okita handled the white fabric, how he nearly hid it, made Kenshin realize that he was used to hiding the disease as a whole. How long had he kept it a secret so far?
“How are you doing?” Okita asked suddenly and caught the former serial killer off guard.
“I am a wanderer now.”
He was not in the mood to tell Okita about everything. Why should he? They barely knew each other and it was only a twist of fate that they had met again.
“Oh, I see… I do not intend to be a bad host for a wanderer. So, will you sit down and share a cup of tea with me? I can ask for it. Any preferences?” Okita made a huge gesture with his arm and Kenshin, after hesitating for a few seconds, nodded and sat down on the wooden terrace. Carefully, he placed the bamboo umbrella next to him for it to dry a little.
“Well, I enjoy a fresh cup of sencha the most,” Kenshin answered. Okita called for a young servant girl and ordered two cups of the best sencha the guest house had in store.
After the maiden had left, the two men waited in silence. The cicadas in the backyard held a noisy concert. But their two listeners did not pay appropriate attention, both wandering off in their own thoughts. Kenshin looked around, searched for the cat and the pinwheel, but both of them were nowhere to be found. The cat must have disappeared with the pinwheel between its teeth. He closed his eyes and filled his lungs with the fresh, wet air and immediately felt guilty for being able to do so, as Okita started coughing again.
“What is the doctor’s diagnosis regarding your health?” he asked as soon as the other man had recovered a bit and was able to talk again.
“There is not much hope for a recovery. As I mentioned before, some believe I must have inherited it, maybe to pay for sins my ancestors passed on to me. Me and my sister’s family have visited several temples to pray and relieve us from the sins. But as you can see, there is not much of an improvement. So, we decided to try out some western approaches. A few hospitals in Europe use specific diet plans and hours of sitting outside in the sun as treatment. Right now, I am giving those a chance and return to this spot here each and every day. My sister even bought me a black cat. He is most likely playing somewhere in the gardens.”
“Oh, I think, I came across him right before I met you,” Kenshin remarked and Okita looked at him with big eyes.
“Looks like he might be a lucky charm after all. So far, he did not prove himself as a big help for my health.”
“Maybe you should not give up yet. As long as you are able to get up every morning, look after your loved ones and keep your honor, it is a life worth living. A life worth fighting for.”
Okita did not respond for a while. After the servant girl brought the tea and left a tray with two cups and a teapot on the terrace, the former Shinsengumi member turned to face Kenshin.
“You talk like a man who experienced such a situation already. A situation with no other solution but to move on and walk into an unknown future.”
Kenshin passed Okita one of the cups and then started sipping on his own sencha. The tasty, hot tea helped him to calm down his nerves and to search for an answer. An answer which would not tell too much and not too less.
“Many things have happened since we met last time. It is rather easy to experience the heights of heaven and the depths of hell within a short period of time,” he said and left Okita speculating.
“To me, that sounds like you have let too much empathy into your heart,” he observed and Kenshin shook his head, desperately.
“I think, it was the complete opposite.”
“Are you sure? When you entered the yard, I was able to see all the pain in your face right away. Seems like you had a life of suffering over the past few months.”
“I see why you were one of the most infamous Shinsengumi members…” Kenshin commented and wasn’t prepared for Okita’s reaction.
“Are you trying to belittle my abilities as a swordsman? If I would not be weakened by this accursed disease, I would be able to kill you right away! And what do you mean ‘were’? I still am a proud Shinsengumi member – and always will be!”
This emotional outburst made Kenshin smile a little.
“Oh, this was not my intent at all. I rather tried to acknowledge how not only your fighting abilities make you a valuable swordsman, but your talent to read people as well. And I was right – you are a noble man, still.”
Okita didn’t make a sound, staring forward into the garden, his forehead in wrinkles. It seemed like a thought was eating him alive. Kenshin tried to phrase his next sentences really carefully to not upset the ill man even more.
“It must be hard to be bound to the chair, separated from the sword every day–“
“You cannot imagine,” Okita cut him off instantly. Kenshin gave him a scared look. His voice sounded like he was being tortured just in this moment.
“If I would not be so weak, I would even consider a seppuku. Right now, I am absolutely useless for any kind of activity and my comrades are better off without me. It feels humiliating and dishonorable. So, it might be better for me to be dead to regain… Some kind of dignity and honor. And to give back honor to the Shinsengumi, whose name I besmirched as well.”
“Oh, the old times talking?”
“The old times are EVERYTHING!”
“The old times had their good and bad aspects. I, for my part, have decided to leave behind all the times – past and future. I try to find my path in the unknown now.”
“I do not share your fascination with the unknown. If you fall sick with a mostly unknown disease, this aspect loses its fascination. I am rather scared of the unknown, nowadays.”
Both of them became silent again. The cicadas kept screaming while the rain had finally stopped. Tiny rays of sunshine made their ways through the clouds and a strong smell of rain and soil spread all over Edo.
“It is interesting…” Kenshin begun and startled Okita. He had been in deep thoughts during their silence.
“You said that I looked like I was in pain when I entered the yard. Like I could not let go off something. And I do not deny that. Yet you are here, just as much in pain as I am. And even as unable to let go off the past, just as I am.”
“Oh, what an observer you are~” Okita’s answer came across as a bit cocky, but Kenshin overlooked that.
“Maybe our meeting today has a reason. Maybe everything is supposed to be like this, you know? And I really mean everything.”
“I can only admire your positivity at this point… A positive thought or affirmation rarely crosses my mind these days.”
“But there must be SOME hope, some tiny, little aspect?” Kenshin asked once again, naively underestimating the force of this deadly disease.
“You noticed how my body looks like. The decreased weight, the loss of hair, my pale skin… The disease is eating you alive, it is consuming you, literally.”
Okita sounded hopeless. Looking into the abyss of death, he remained realistic enough to calculate that his chance of recovery was close to zero. Kenshin was truly sad at this point.
“I am deeply sorry for that…”
“I cannot stress enough how much I would like to challenge you again,” Okita remarked with a tired smile. But in his eyes, there was a spark. A spark, so strong and fierce and confident like the first time Kenshin had looked into those eyes. He felt nothing but respect for Okita right now.
“And I cannot stress enough how eagerly I would accept this invitation right away”, he answered and smiled back at the Shinsengumi member.
“Allow me to ask one question though…” Okita asked and Kenshin nodded, allowing him to do so.
“Where is your sword? You entered the yard without one in your belt. If you are a wanderer now, are you not supposed to carry all your belongings with you?”
Kenshin frowned, looked away from Okita and down on his cup.
“I… Decided to leave it behind together with the past. On the battlefield where it belongs. It is not supposed to be around the living anymore. It is meant to stay with the dead and that is where I left it.”
Okita clicked his tongue and took a sip from his tea cup.
“A bold decision, in my humble opinion. Are you that tired of life already? Walking around without any protection in such unsteady times is nothing you do voluntarily as a former serial killer.”
“Well, it was indeed not a decision I made completely voluntarily. It just depends on the forces that influence you in such moments of your life…”
“So, I might conclude: I am not able to hold a sword physically. And you are not able to hold a sword mentally. Is that correct?”
“Well, you can phrase it this way, I think,” Kenshin confirmed and couldn’t help but to sigh.
“If I would be able to give you all my health, I would do so immediately.”
“Oh please, not the belittlement again. I told you before that I do not want that. And you should also not belittle yourself. This is not appropriate for a swordsman.”
Kenshin froze and stared at Okita. The tone of his voice was a completely different one now. Most likely the one he had used to address his students during class. What a scary, dominant tone…
“Yes! I am sorry for answering without proper reflecting!” he answered quickly, bowed his head and a tiny smile formed on his lips. “I have to say, your teacher voice is really impressive. Quite controlling and even a bit scary.”
“Oh, I hope I am still able to convey this impression. After all, I am sick, but not dead yet. And if you would be my student, I would have scolded you for your lack of determination and self-respect. Does an extra hour of evening training sound appropriate to you?”
They shared a little laugh and Kenshin started to refill their cups. The pot contained enough sencha for another round of tea. During their conversation, the black tomcat had returned and sat down next to Kenshin, carefully putting down the pinwheel he still carried around. Kenshin stared at it for a while before picking it up and examining it. It had a few wet spots caused by the rain, but apart from that it seemed to be in good condition. He held it up against the bright sunlight and watched how the tiny pearls started to sparkle.
“You can keep it, if you want to,” Okita commented on Kenshin’s fascination with the pinwheel. “There is a stand which sells those toys in front of the guesthouse regularly. I guess, they have lost one yesterday and since then, the cat kept it.”
“Oh, I did not mean to… Thank you,” Kenshin stuttered. Then he looked down on the black cat and pet his fur, thanking him as well. A warm, vibrating purr was the response.
They proceeded chatting for a bit – about the weather, current events in Edo and districts that, according to Okita, Kenshin should avoid entering. A few, comforting moments they were able to spend together, sunshine on their face and in the calming company of the black cat. Kenshin decided it was time for him to leave after he had finished his second portion of tea.
“Thank you so much for having me around. And for the tea and the pinwheel. I am not able to reply your hospitality and can only express my humble gratitude.” He bowed his head to Okita, but the addressed host shook his head and smiled.
“No need to feel guilty for that. I have to thank you for keeping me company for a while. And just to let you know… The cat still does not have a name. Maybe, I am going to name him after you.”
“Well, if he accepts, I would feel really honored,” Kenshin answered. Carefully, he stored the pinwheel in his belt. From now on, he would carry the tiny toy instead of his sword.
“I will pray for your health in the first temple that crosses my way. And may you always keep your determination and pride. This way, no one can deny you your honor. I am certain about that.”
“Thank you… I hope, the future will be a positive one for you. May all your pain and suffering be worthwhile.”
Okita tried to smile while suppressing the urge to cough. It hurt the former killer to see Okita’s facial expression while he was specifically talking about Kenshin’s future, but not his own. He forced himself to break away from Okita’s face and bowed one last time, took his bamboo umbrella and left the yard swiftly. Okita remained in the rocking chair, coughing and sighing. Suddenly, the black cat rose, yawned slowly and jumped onto Okita’s lap. He let out a surprised laughter and stroke the shiny black fur. The tiny animal coiled up in the blanket on top of his knees, seemingly with no haste at all. It had plenty of lifetime left and chose to spend it wisely.