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Misty blue eyes stare at the ice floating around in his still full drink. Slowly melting and watering it down to where he won’t even want it anymore. What a waste. Just like so many other things in his life. He feels the lump in his throat get tighter, making it harder to swallow. If he doesn’t drown this quicker it is going to kill him. He lifts the glass to his lips and takes a small sip.
But he doesn’t really want to get drunk. He doesn’t really want to forget. He wants… Castiel sighs, and sits the glass back on the table. What he wants, he knows he can never have. Tears begin to pool back into his eyes and he tries to stifle the sob that follows. He fails and the bartender, an older blonde, hears.
She walks down to him and smiles, friendly enough. “Hey handsome, what’s gotcha so down?” This was the third night she had seen the mystery man at the bar. The third night he ordered vodka on the rocks. And the third night he sat and stared at it rather than drinking it. This, however, was the first night he has cried.
He opens his mouth, thinking maybe he would feel better if he just pours it all out to someone, but quickly snaps it back closed. Dean is from here, and knows damn near everyone. “It’s… nothing…” he takes a deep breath and wipes his eyes. “It’s nothing.” He repeats more confidently. He smiles back, but the woman is unconvinced.
“Love problems…?” she presses. He sighs. “Alright… What's their name?”
“Don’t you have other customers to tend to…?” Castiel asks, hoping it doesn’t come across so bitter that it seems rude, but enough she will drop it. She raises a brow and motions to the fairly empty bar stools around him. Everyone is out by the stage, listening to the people sing karaoke.
“Go on now… lay it on me.” She smiles, and leans in onto the counter.
Castiel sighs. She seems to be a persistent one. But so is he. “It’s really very complicated… I’d rather not talk about it…” he says softly, hanging his head. The woman sighs and looks at him sadly. “Thanks…” he offers a small smile, seeing she has taken the hint. She nods and walks away.
He spins in his chair and lets his attention also be given to the karaoke stand. The singer, a guy probably in his mid twenties and three sheets to the wind is wobbling all over the stage, almost tumbling off a couple times. Castiel laughs and takes another sip of his drink.
A couple more small sips and he is finally feeling something other than heartache. He loosens his shoulders and is able to finally take a deep breath. “Hey!” A bubbly voice rings out behind him. He turns to a younger blonde, but very clearly related to the other. “You should try it.”
“Try what?” Castiel asks, furrowing his brows and tilting his head in confusion.
She giggles at his serious yet clueless expression. “Karaoke.”
“Oh…” he looks back at the stage. “I… I can’t sing.”
“Neither can most of the people up there!” She laughs. “Just a suggestion though.” The young woman smiles at him, then continues to wipe down the bar.
He had seen a song on the list a few times, that basically echos his exact feelings. He takes one final sip of his drink, just enough to give him the edge he would need up there, and sets the glass on the bar.
***
I can’t believe I’m doing this… he thinks as the music starts playing, and he tries to picture the audience all in their underwear.
♩You say you want to be friends
That's a newly sharpened blade
That's a dagger to the heart
Of the promises we made ♩
♩That's a chapter full of pain
A season full of rain
A dark and stormy night
Spent all alone♩
♩Friends
Get scattered by the wind
Tossed upon the waves
Lost for years on end♩
♩Friends
Slowly drift apart
They give away their hearts
Maybe call you
Now and Then♩
♩But you wanna be
Just friends♩
Three days ago Castiel was convinced Dean was the one. After the best year of his life, he had found a best friend, a lover… a soul mate. He was sure of it.
Okay. So maybe it was a dick move going all FBI mode and just showing up in his hometown unannounced. Maybe it was a dick move showing up at his house, his job, his brother’s school, looking for him. But it was a dick move of Dean to lead him on for almost a year. It was a dick move of Dean to embarrass him in front of all those people.
“Whoa… I don’t swing that way, man.” He said wiggling out of Castiel’s embrace when he had finally found him. Funny, he swung that way perfectly when they were tangled up in Castiel’s bed just weeks earlier. Had Castiel only had something that at least resembled a backbone he would have said that. Could he deny which way he really swung then?
He just stepped back. He apologized. And he walked away.
***
Tears begin to blur his vision, as he sings on.
♩You say you love me very much
And you'll always hold me dear
Those are the sweetest words
I never want to hear♩
♩What's a love without desire
A flame without a fire
Can't warm me late at night
When I need you most♩
♩Friends
Get scattered by the wind
Tossed upon the waves
Lost for years on end♩
♩Friends
Slowly drift apart
They give away their hearts
Maybe call you
Now and Then♩
♩But you wanna be
Just friends♩
***
Somehow Dean tracked him down to the dingy motel he was staying in. Not like he planned on having to get a room. He put his whole paycheck into the plane tickets. He wanted to just ignore his knocks. Ignore his pleas to let him in. But he couldn’t. He was so stupid, and so in love, and he couldn’t.
“Cas… please… I’m sorry.” Dean said. And he really seemed like he meant it. “It’s just… no one here knows…”
“I think I got that from earlier.” Castiel bit back. “You could have filled me in on the… not so small… detail that you hadn’t come out to your friends and family…” His eyes were swollen and red from crying, and Dean reached up to wipe away the newly falling tears. His rough over worked hands, that turned so soft and gentle when he held the dark haired man.
“That was stupid. I’m sorry.” Dean begged. He leaned in and pressed his lips to Castiel’s. “Please… Cas. I love you. I’m sorry.”
“Dean, I don’t want us to be a secret.”
“I know… I just…” Dean sighed and looked down at the floor. “I can’t.”
It felt like a knife was being plunged into Castiel’s chest. “I guess that’s it then…”
Three days ago he forced those words out, as he opened the door for Dean to leave, his heart breaking when he willingly walked out. The gorgeous man, with the dirty blonde hair and freckles. The fair skinned, green eyed love of Castiel’s life, stopped outside the door and looked back at him. “Can… can we still be friends…?”
What a slap in the face. But instead of slamming the door in his face, he just nodded.
***
♩Friends
Slowly drift apart
They give away their hearts
Maybe call you now and then♩
Blue eyes met a tear filled pair of green in the crowd, a dark haired woman on his arm. Castiel smiles, finally letting go.
♩Darling can't you see
This is killing me
We could never be
Just Friends♩
The crowd applauded him as he sat the mic down and walked off the stage. Dean watched him go to the bar and pay for his drink. Leaving the two women both a nice tip. “Cas…” He says softly as Castiel bee lines for the door.
“Good bye, Dean.”