Work Text:
It's fine. Everything's fine.
The door is closed, you closed it a few moments ago so why shouldn't it be?
But is it really closed? Maybe is it still open and you just can't see it. You don't want anyone to enter the room, not that it being shut would stop someone who wants to come in. Should you lock it? No, your dad gets mad when you do it. Get up and check if you closed it.
No. You're finally comfortable sitting on your bed and your clothes feel weird on you already, what if you get up and when you sit again your position feels uncomfortable even if it's the same as before? It happened before. It could happen again.
Your hands are sweating so much, it's disgusting. Is your back also sweating? Your forehead? Is the hoodie you're wearing too much for this weather? But it's your favorite. You won't feel comfortable in anything but this hoodie. It makes your chest look flat and covers everything that has to be covered, it's perfect. It's still uncomfortable though, but even your skin feels uncomfortable right now. Can your own skin feel too tight? Because it feels like this and your hair is itchy and you kind of want to pull it out but it's fine, everything's fine. Nothing's happening, you can hear nothing but your own heartbeat who almost hurts your chest.
Today was a normal day. School, lunch, afternoon classes, homework at Chuuya's, home. Maybe it's because it was raining and you got your shoes wet and you had that weird sensation in your feet all day? Is it because you forgot your phone? No, it can't be, you don't even use it that much anyway. Is it the way your history teacher was talking? Today it felt like he was talking to you specifically, but he wasn't, obviously, why would he?
Then why? Why does everything feel weird and itchy and tight and why does every noise hurt your ears and why does your mouth have this horrible taste? Your nails feel weird. You should rip them out. No, you could use them to cut your own skin. No, no, don't think about that stuff. No hurting ourselves. Nope.
You could burn a bit of your skin with a lighter. Just the fingertip.
No.
Think about it. What will you gain from it? Nothing.
Look around you. You're in your room. You're breathing, your hands are still here, look at them.
They look a bit different than usual right now but it's just your brain messing with you.
So. Your room, breathing, hands still here. What was that thing that Chuuya made you write in the notes of your phone? Something about panic attacks and five things you can see. No, wait. You're not having a panic attack. You're not panicking, your breathing is normal, you're not crying or anything. Not a panic attack.
It could still help though.
Your phone. Where's it? Did you leave it at school? No, you forgot to bring it with you this morning so it has to be here. You look at the desk in front of you and- no, nothing. Maybe it's on the floor? What if it fell and now it's broken and- no. Focus on finding it first. The floor.
Nothing, maybe it's hiding between the pillows and the sheets. No, it's not her- oh there it is! Under your pillow. Okay, notes app.
"read if you have a panic/anxiety attack"
It's not even a panic attack, Chuuya's too dramatic. Whatever.
"Sit quietly." Check. "Look around and notice five things you can see, (...)"
Easy. Your hands, your bed, your phone, your shoes on the floor, the plant on the desk.
"(...) four things you can touch, (...)"
Again, your phone, your bed... oh wait, maybe you have to change the objects every time?
Okay, let's do it again. Your pillow, the book on your desk, your hair, your hoodie.
"(...) three things you can hear, (...)"
Well, this is gonna be harder. Does your heartbeat count? Okay, no. Someone's watching the tv downstairs probably because you can kind of hear a murmur. That's one thing. The wind blowing outside and... You don't know, shit. You look around. There's your chemistry book on your desk. You get up and throw it on the floor.
The television murmuring, the wind blowing outside, the book falling.
Okay, next one. You sit more comfortably on your bed, your back against the wall and your legs near your chest.
"(...) two things you can smell (...)"
Your feet smell bad, when you took off your shoes at his house, you almost made Chuuya throw up. You have to take a shower.
So, your feet. There's a bottle of water beside your bed and you didn't know water could be smelly but apparently, it can. You should get rid of it.
Feet and water.
Okay, last one.
"(...) and one thing you can taste."
Maybe there's a mint or something in your bag. Does it count if you have to search it?
You don't care. Go find the mint.
Found it, it was in the bag.
Okay. You did it.
It was actually kind of helpful. You were so busy thinking about this game your mind stopped thinking about everything but things you can touch, smell, feel and all that. You were so focused on this "game" that you were able to sit comfortably on your bed and now you feel okay and your skin isn't too tight! You have to thank Chuuya.
Stupid asshole with great ideas who's caring enough to make you write this kind of stuff because he knows your mind is weird sometimes. You hate him.
You also kind of miss him right now.
You should call him.
"Hey," Chuuya answers after a few rings.
"Hey" you stay silent.
"You alright?"
"..."
"Dazai?"
You can't speak. Why did you even call him? If you thank him he'll probably know you were feeling like shit and he'll take you for an attention seeker and-
"Look, if this is some kind of joke, I don't have time for this. I have to study for-"
"I wanted to thank you."
Chuuya stays silent for a moment.
"Thank me? For what?"
"For making me write that thing about the five things you can see. I was feeling weird and I did that, uh, game? And it helped. And you're the one who made me write it so, thank you."
"I'm glad it helped." Chuuya chooses carefully his next words. "Do you want to talk about it?"
"I don't know."
Silence.
"I don't want to force you or anything, just- if you want to get something off of your chest-"
"My boobs. That's what I want to get off my chest."
"Fucking- are you serious? You had to make a joke right now?" Chuuya sounds angry, but he's also laughing a bit. It's kind of cute. "Seriously though, if you want to say something I'm here, you know that right?"
You can't help but smile. "I know." Breathe. "I just felt weird all day, I don't know why."
"Did something happen to you?" is what Chuuya says, but the question Did I do something wrong? is loud and clear.
"No, everything was normal." No, you did nothing wrong. "I have these days where everything feels weird. Sometimes it's just moments, sometimes I wake up like this and I can do nothing about it. I don't understand why, I don't think I have anxiety. I'm not shy or anything."
"Anxiety is not about being shy or not." Chuuya states. "Even I get anxious sometimes and I'm everything but shy. It happens."
"I know you do. It's just weird when it happens to me because it doesn't even feel real after it passes."
"I get it. Look," Chuuya breathes loudly and slowly like he needs to take his time to think, "I'm not the best person here to talk about this stuff, but I'm here. All your friends are here for you if you need them. Atsushi is probably the best to talk about dealing with anxiety. You're not alone, you're not the only person who feels this way. You're not weird or anything and-"
There's a pause. You bite your lip.
"And I care about you, so I'm not always going to give the best advice but I'll try my best."
It's so hard to not smile right now. Your heart is hurting your chest again, but this is a different kind of pain. You like this kind of hurt. "Careful Chuuya, if you keep talking like this I will start to think you're in love with me."
Chuuya laughs a bit. "I do love you though."
And he does it again, wearing his feelings on his sleeve again and making you feel weak.
"I hate you."
"You love me too, just admit it."
Yeah, you do.
"You wish."