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For as long as I could remember,I felt cold.
I thought nothing of it,everything around me was cold, so it was natural to me.
I was surrounded by an endless ice cloud.Without realizing it,i was slowly destroying myself.
I thought nothing of it.
Perhaps i could blame it on my parents.
My mother and Father were by all means unaffectionate.
They never truly loved eachother, only getting together because they had no other choice but to…
They never really saw me as their son.Instead,they saw me as their downfall.A mistake.Something pathetic.
I remember how they would forget,no…leave me outside in the freezing weather.
It felt cold,but I knew no one else would help me.Everyone else was trying to survive the winter,like me…
The winter tore and devoured everything.It engulfed me,tore through my skin,and froze my heart.
I wondered if I would survive with such a crater,
And I did.I survived.
No matter how much it hurt,I grew up.
And as I grew,so did the crater in my heart.
I realized how vulnerable I was,and it scared me.It shook me,I didn’t want to be looked down upon.I wanted to be treated as an equal.
So I covered my crater with armor,and became a knight.
A feared a warrior,a ruthless killer,but no matter how much metal i covered myself with,
I was cold.
But it didn’t matter,because nobody was able to tear through my armor.
Nobody was able to see my frozen heart.
Even as the armor weighed,even if my sword made my arms ache,nobody was able to look down upon me.
It didn’t matter to me how much blood I shed.I ignored the pain.I saw it as something weak and pathetic.I didn’t want to be seen as pathetic.So I said nothing,even as I bled and though I would die.I said nothing.
One day,I felt a wisp of a miracle.
It was a very faint one.
It was a brief blow,but it had impacted me more than I could ever begin to imagine.
It felt nothing like what I was used to…It felt new,strange,and addicting.
It didn’t feel judging,it felt inviting…
I desperately searched for it,then I realized.
It wasn’t from my town.
The miracle came from outside.
So,
I ran away.
I ran,and ran until my legs felt as if they’d crumble any second.
But it didn’t matter to me,i still felt cold.
I still haven’t found the miracle.
I didn’t know where i was going,but i knew what i was looking for.
Then finally…I stumbled upon it.
A shiny amethyst crystal.It was…The miracle.
There was something that made it different than the frozen crystals of my town.They both shone,they both glowed,they were both geometrical in shape…But there was something about it,the miracle was kind.The crystals were not.
It flew and connected to the hilt of my sword.
I was a bit taken back,
Why would such a miracle connect to a device of terror?
Why would the miracle be tainted by the blood of others?
I did not want that to happen,so I vowed to never return to my old village.Not like my parents would search for me.
I vowed to use my sword to bring unity,never again for horror.
But I didn’t just gain the miracle,i gained something new.
For the first time in a long time i felt warmth.
That warmth was linked to four other pieces of miracles.
And so,I followed it.I went where the stone wanted me to go.
My legs ached,but it didn’t matter to me,i felt warm.
The stone led me to a lake,
I felt tired,exhausted from all the walking but I didn’t care.
I was where my stone wanted to be.
And that was the first time i saw you.
You might laugh at me,but truthfully…The first time i saw you.The very first time i had laid my eyes upon you.
I was surely convinced that you were an angel.
I though you were the one who gave me my miracle…
I really believed that you came from the divine.
You glowed vibrantly under the sunlight,it was almost as if you were emitting light.Your very own miracle shone with warmth,it’s as if you were a precious being.
And as you looked up to meet my eyes,
And as your eyelashes fluttered open,
It scared me.
From that day,i knew there was something that set you aside from everyone else.
Yes,they all held warmth,but you…
You had warmth and something else…
You had another aura,I couldn’t distribute whether or not it was good-intended or not.
I couldn’t figure it out,never knew your intentions.
I kept my guard around you,because i was afraid the type of person you’d be.I didn’t like surprises,I didn’t like being laughed at,mocked,nor treated as if I constantly need help.
I was cold to you.Whenever i got injured,i kept away.I never spoke.Never even bothered seeking you.No matter how much pain i was in,I didn’t go to you.
Now i have all these unnecessary scars,all a result of my own stubbornness…..
Nevertheless,i of course wasn’t able to hold out any longer.
I collapsed,because the wounds were too much.I blacked out,and i remember how I didn’t mind if i had died right there.
But I didn’t,
I woke up to a light,it wasn’t a divine light,but it was just as heavenly,and it emitted warmth.
As my eyesight focused,i realized it was you,again.
You didn’t look upset,nor judging.You looked afraid,as if you might lose something precious.You looked concentrated,trying everything in your power to wake me up.
I could see the pain in your eyes,how you were sweating and panicking,but trying for the sake of me.
I wondered why you even bothered with me,i had been nothing but cruel to you,I didn’t understand…
I was afraid,because my crater was right there,my frozen heart was out for you to see,I was vulnerable.I felt afraid.
But you did not judge,nor question,you healed and healed until i was fully awake.
As I sat up,I got to look at your eyes.
They did not hold judgment,only relief and happiness.
You looked tired.But not from me.You never were.
That was when I finally realized what that other thing you emitted was.
It was safety,serenity I had never felt before.
For the very first time,my heart gave a pulse.
Over the next few days,I tried being less cold to you,and you treated me the same way you did.You treated as if i were precious.
I found peace within your presence.It was new.I was always taught to kill and never let my guard down.But around you…
I never felt afraid.
I never felt intimidated.
I felt at peace.
However,there was still a problem.
I was unable to show my appreciation to you,I never knew how to show affection the way you did,I thought I could never.
But,again,you didn’t judge.Never complained.
The more I hung out around you,the safer I felt…
And,a third new feeling sprouted.
Once again,I didn’t know what it was,
It was funny,I always thought I knew myself quite well.
It turns out I was wrong.
You constantly had me questioning my feelings.
I felt drawn to you.
I always searched for your company,I craved you.
I didn’t know why,but it was almost as if I admired you.
No,it was more than that,more than admiration.
My heart would always beat quickly around you,as my body was filled with warmth.
It was new,but I didn’t feel scared.
I was happy.
That i felt like that.
I still remember the day,the day after we defeated the dragon.
Everyone else was exhausted,it was a dangerous battle.It was by miracle we had won.Hollyberry and I were wounded critically,though thankfully Holly managed to block most of it’s attacks with her shield.
White Lily and Golden were huddled together,holding hands,almost losing each other had scared them furiously.
I looked at you,you didn’t hold your usual glow.You had a blank look as you patched us up.It was scary,seeing you behaving differently.I wanted to comfort you,but I didn’t know how.
Then,later that day at night.Everyone else had fallen asleep.It was only you who was awake.
You sat on the broken tree branch,a distant look in your eyes as you faced the lake.
I approached and sat next to you.I had to do something,anything,even if i did not know how.
I had to do something.
Because it was scary seeing myself in you.
So,I pulled you into a hug.
A very sudden one.
I apologize for that…
Still,you didn’t pull away.
From the icy body that warped you.
I didn’t have my armor,however,I was cold.
I could tell by how rigid I felt.
You didn’t scream,nor push me away.
Instead,you hugged me back.
I felt how your fingers shook against my back.
You were shaking,afraid.
You were cold,
Like me.
So,I stayed as you cried.
I wasn’t upset,I was worried,
I wanted to be there for you.
It too,was new.
I felt warm,as I held you.
I…Also hadn’t realized how small you really were.
I was afraid i’d crush you any moment…
Still,it felt safe to be with you.
And as you pulled away,and as i gazed upon your discolored eyes,i realized what that feeling was.
It was love,
I loved you.
From the very first time I had laid my eyes on you,I fell in love.I just hadn’t realized it until that moment.
Upon that realization,I panicked.
I didn’t know how to love another.
I was afraid i’d still hurt them.
And because of that,i never confessed.
I watched you from afar,I was tied to you.
But I knew how much pain i’d put myself in.
It would ruin what we had,I would never be able to restore it,and i’d feel cold again.
So I never spoke.
I’d realized that I was hurting myself again,instead of saving myself.
The crater burned in my heart.
I would gaze upon your face when we slept next to each other…I wanted to hold you.
My heart was begging me to,yet all I could do was brush the strands that fell on your face.
My armor was dark and cold against your skin.
Still,seeing you smile at me,seeing how bright you lit up.
It was enough for me,no matter much I craved more
You were beautiful,there was beauty in every action you did.I found myself searching for ways to make you happy.
Because every time you smiled,I fell in love more.
But I was still afraid.
I didn’t want my heart to break.
I couldn’t handle the heartache.
Still,I thanked the miracle.
For it gave me the chance to meet you,
It brought me to you.
And when it vanished,
You did too.
And I was back to being cold.
This time however,it was unbearable.
I’m sorry.
I’m really sorry.
I really am.
I was selfish,cold,and uncooperative.
It was foolish of me to think that i could love you.
How many times have I hurt you?
Looking back at it now,I had pained you.
Whenever I saw a happy couple,I couldn’t help but think what you and me could’ve been if I hadn’t been afraid.
It cracked my heart.
I locked myself in my kingdom and went back to my old habits.
I once again was blind to the suffering I caused.
My son suffered because of me,I had failed yet again…
At protecting what was precious.
I’m sorry.
Please forgive me.
You must hate me.
And I don’t blame you.
Still,could you please,
Just once.
One more time,
Hold me tight…?