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Sasuke is a strange kid. This is undeniable. He’s not weird in any conventional way - all things considered, he has the disposition of a normal kid most of the time. He hates vegetables, loves ninja and drawing, and looks up to his older brother as the coolest person in the world. The thing that’s inexplicably just off about him is the way that he just doesn’t have any friends. He’s not bullied; in fact, most of the kids in his first-grade class adore him. He just has no inclination towards becoming close with anyone.
Another oddity is the way he reacts. The kid flinches when touched, sometimes, tense and poised to strike despite never having had a reason to. (This leads to several visits from child protective services ordered by concerned teachers over the years, where Sasuke and his parents have to explain that no, he hasn’t been abused, he’s just weird.) He has nightmares sometimes, too, waking up screaming and sobbing, clawing at his eyes like they’re going to hurt him. (He can never remember why his heart feels like it’s about to explode.)
Sasuke’s known he’s weird for as long as the adults have. From the moon-shaped birthmark on his right palm to the way he’s simply never felt complete . There’s something that should be there, a part of him that’s just somehow missing, but he’s never had it in the first place so he has no idea what it would be - he just knows that it isn’t there and that aches. Friends are hard to make and even harder to keep, simply because none of them feel right, and Sasuke knows people aren’t supposed to feel right or not but they just aren’t and he can’t place why.
Sometimes, Sasuke is terrified of his brother. There’s no reason, either, because that’s the person he adores more than anything in the world. Sometimes he looks at Itachi, his big brother, his protector, the one who practically raised him when his parents were too busy running the police station, and can’t help but think, this man is a monster. It’s completely illogical because Itachi is quite possibly the most selfless, loyal person he’s ever met and he’s - cold and uncaring, eyes sharp and scornful as he spits out distasteful, foul words - a fantastic brother. He doesn’t understand the flinching, or the reflective attempts at defense after a night of blurry nightmares any better than anyone else, doesn’t know why Itachi poking his forehead and smiling, ruffling his hair and affectionately referring to him as ‘little brother’ makes his body spike ridged with terror as he represses a gag… it makes him feel terrible, when Itachi backs up in something between sadness and horror, muttering a soft, shaky, “sorry, so sorry Sas,” as all Sasuke can manage are broken, desperate wheezes as he tries desperately to breathe. (He's not even sure why he's panicking, but he can't seem to stop the reaction.)
He gets signed up for therapy in second grade. It doesn't help.
In third grade, the nightmares start to mix with something distinctly different. Sometimes he'll wake up elated, so, so light and blissful and that's when he first realizes almost what it's like to feel whole, even if just for a few moments.
Other times it just aches so deep in his chest that he feels like there's something pressing on his heart, and it's not terror. Just pain, undistilled and pure. (Those are the nights where he crawls into Itachi's bed, wrapping his arms around his big brother who never seems scary then.)
Sasuke moves to a new school district when he's ten. It's not the most ideal time to make friends, considering it's the last year of grade school and most everyone already knows each other. Sasuke's not bothered; it's not as if he's going to make any friends in the first place, right?
His class is decently sized, mostly boys, and the room is set up in clusters of three or four desks his teacher has numbered off in teams. He's in a cluster of four, one desk empty and the other two filled by a quiet, pale kid who seems far too contemplative for a boy his age, and a girl with bubblegum pink hair who seems friendlier than the boy.
The girl to his side reaches out her hand in greeting and smiles brightly. “Hi!” she says. “My name's Sakura. What's your name?”
“Sasuke,” he responds, squinting at her. (He feels like he's met her before, for some reason.)
“Nice to meet you! Where'd you move from? You didn't go here last year,” she says, curiosity tracing her voice as she rocks her chair back and forth. He answers, and she invites him to play at recess. He says yes without hesitation - it just feels right.
He makes friends with nearly half the class within a month. Neji is crafty and is neck and neck with Sasuke in grades, even if he can be a tad pretentious at times. Shikimaru is definitely smarter than the two of them combined, but it takes Sasuke all of ten minutes to realize he just Doesn't give a shit. Choji and Ino aren't really his friends, but they are Shikimaru and Sakura's, and it's the same deal for several others. Hinata's quiet, but she's Neji's cousin so they get along fine, Lee is loud but determined, Kiba is sporty and knows everything there is to know about dogs, and Shino's weird - but in a cool way. Really, the only one he doesn't particularly like is Sai, but Sai is just plain odd in the first place so it's not too surprising. Sakura seems to like him, though. She at least gets along with their last tablemate.
That's another thing. Sakura. Sakura's pretty cool, all in all. She's strong and knows martial arts, and she's not dull - Sasuke thinks he has very low standards in friendship as long as they feel right for him. The first few months there's a mild feeling of relief whenever she says his name, casual and chirped happily just like how she calls Ino. It’s relief, he realizes, about her not having a crush on her. The very idea is silly, because she’s never shown a single lick of interest in him, and he’s not even sure she likes boys - it’s confirmed that she does, weeks later, but it’s just a passing mention. That feeling fades into a vague familiarity after a while, and it’s a nice feeling to have someone who he knows from the very core of himself.
(He finds that he’s glad she’s less annoying, this time around, which is an odd thing because she’s never been annoying at all and he doesn’t like to think that way about people besides.)
And then, on the first day of middle school, he bumps headlong into a boy in his homeroom class, and blue eyes meet deep grey, and that aching sense of emptiness disappears for the first time in his life. (The boy proceeds to choke on air, drop all his books, and run out of the room. Sasuke collapses to his knees, frozen, because oh. This is what he was missing all his life .
Do I know you? He wants to ask. Why do you make me feel whole? He wants to say. “Hey loser, you’re doing that problem wrong,” he says instead, tapping Naruto’s math worksheet with the eraser end of his pencil.
If his parents thought he got along well with Sakura and Neji, they weren’t ready for Naruto. The two just click so easily, and within two months they practically live at each other’s houses on the weekends. They learn everything about each other there is to know - somehow it all seems familiar, already. Sasuke learns that Naruto’s eyes always turn red like a cat’s in the dark or in a camera flash and that he’d survive only off of ramen if he could. He learns that Naruto’s dad works for the government and that his mom used to be in the military and that Naruto is a master prankster. And Naruto learns things about him too, that he’s ambidextrous and hates sweets but loves tomatoes, and that his parents run a police station, and that he has the best big brother ever. (Naruto smiles at this one, something so, so sad in his eyes, but when Sasuke asks about it he shakes off the concern with a laugh and a smile, and this time it’s genuine, blue eyes crinkling gently.)
Their birthmarks match, too, the dark crescent on Sasuke’s left hand pressing perfectly to Naruto’s circular patch of light skin in the center of his right palm.
“Sun and moon,” Naruto points out affectionately one night as they sit on their respective beds - well, Sasuke’s bed and Naruto’s futon - hands pressed together so the marks line up, Naruto’s blue eyes reflecting a ring of golden lamplight in the irises, and Sasuke has to agree with him. They are sun and moon.
They invite Sakura over to one of their sleepovers one night, after some parental convincing on the girl’s side - she’s always been allowed sleepovers with Sasuke, but Sasuke doesn’t like girls and Naruto does, so it took a bit of time for approval.
She sleeps on the guest (Naruto’s, really) futon, Sasuke letting Naruto in his bed. (For all the time they’ve spent together, they’ve never actually slept in the same bed.)
They end up falling asleep watching YouTube, leaning on each other’s shoulders.
That night, Sasuke dreams.
[His eyes are blurry with tears, Itachi standing condescendingly a few meters away behind two bodies - his parents, his mind supplies numbly. Red eyes stare holes into him, and he can feel his entire body shaking in fear. (He’s pretty sure he’s either screaming or sobbing, but he can’t hear himself or Itachi, just a piercing, monotonous ringing in his ears.) he sees Itachi’s mouth move, but the edges of his vision start to go blurry and the scene fades to a fuzzy haze of grey.]
[It’s sunset now; and Sasuke is sitting on the edge of a dock, swinging his legs and watching his feet skim the otherwise still water. Sasuke still can’t hear anything, and there’s a soft static in his ears in place of the sharp ringing of before, but this dream-Sasuke seems to hear something and looks up the stairs to a path, where a young, maybe eight or nine-year-old Naruto is walking by. The little Naruto noticed him and sticks his tongue out mockingly. Sasuke can feel himself make a pouty face back. As Naruto walks away, Sasuke turns back and smiles, the warmth of a mutual understanding blooming in his chest. His sight gets blurry again, and he fades away.]
[Fear burns through him this time, eyes scanning the area full of fog. His body is heavy, full of small needles, and there are mirror-looking things all around him. Sasuke wonders what's happening until dream-Sasuke glances back at This Naruto, unconscious and on his side on the cement - oh , he thinks, it's our first c-rank. Their assailant - Haku, he recalls, memory coming easier this time - darts back out across the empty space, flinging three senbon out in Sasuke's direction. His body moves quickly, sharply, in what he knows used to be fluid motions but is now jerky bolts of energy, darting away from the sharp pieces of metal in half-stumbled movements. Sasuke looks upward, tracking the attacker Haku as they list off something. The needles are flung at Naruto this time, and a flash of pure panic runs through dream-Sasuke like fire, although the Sasuke that isn't in the memory dream knows it's going to be okay and is more just concerned than scared when his body drags itself over Naruto's still form, blocking the needles with his body. His vision starts to fade in and out from pain, and then just doesn't come back in, leaving the world in back again.]
[His body is heavy this time from both a deep-rooted exhaustion, a cold feeling down to his bones like his blood's been hardened into ice crystals, and pure grief. Sasuke recognizes this as the feeling he has when he wakes up sometimes, a pain fueled by anger and grief and resentment and an overwhelming feeling of loneliness. His body staggers, and there's a breathless feeling bubbling in his stomach as he comes face to face with Naruto. It's after their first fight at The End, Sasuke knows, maybe has since the beginning of this memory. Naruto's breath is shallow, and they're both shivering as the rain starts to come down, falling in cold sheets over the already-soaked rock. (Sasuke isn't sure if he's crying or if it's just rain.) (He knows the answer when the last sensation as his consciousness fades is That Him choking back a half-sob)]
[He knows it's a long time in between the last scene and this one before his vision even clears. It's wartime - Sasuke's pretty sure he could have known that even if he was an outsider to the memories - and he's sixteen years old, sharp at the edges, and undeniably broken. But he's smiling, chest heaving as he pants, breathless, and is standing next to an equally excited Naruto. He knows that this is the most clear-headed and happy he's been in a while, somehow, and that feeling pleases him. (He feels almost proud of That Sasuke.) Naruto smiles, saying something Sasuke still can't make out. He feels another rush of positive emotions, this time from That Sasuke, and the scene changes again.]
[He's lying on stone this time, the cold seeping into his skin like it'll continue to do until morning. End Fight Two, Sasuke knows immediately because it's such a concrete, distinct memory that he has no idea how he'd forgotten it in the first place. He wakes up with the memory, this time, and his entire body aches . It's dull, more like an impression of pain than an actual, current sensation, but it's an unpleasant sensation all the same. Sasuke responds to Naruto's voice, This Sasuke noting that the words and ambient noise is no longer static, just garbled, like listening to someone talking underwater. Even though he can't technically understand what's being spoken, he doubts he could ever forget the conversation itself - ironic, he supposes, considering all he had of the events were feelings before this night - and maybe the wording isn't exact in his head, but he knows almost everything in some parts. “I can kinda… feel the pain too,” Sasuke knows Naruto says, extinguishing the frustration that's been building inside of That Him once again, leaving something Sasuke then attributed to surprise and a bit of wonder, but Sasuke now, safe and healthy and whole , easily pinpoints as love - because that's what it's been all this time, hasn't it? Maybe at first it wasn't, not really, just fascination (and that's better, he thinks, because infatuation isn't meant to last) - and Sasuke loves Naruto, in this life and the last.]
The realization doesn't shock him, per se, but it does startle him awake, a starburst of white light erupting behind his eyelids before he jolts as he wakes, breathing heavily as he stares at Naruto's sleeping form, slightly awed. His blonde hair is falling in strands across his face, cheeks dusted lightly with freckles that are only distinct in the summertime. His mouth is slightly open, and he’s drooling slightly, but Sasuke thinks he looks beautiful all the same.
Slowly, as if he can feel Sasuke’s eyes on him, Naruto stirs. He opens his eyes slightly, half-lidded and making the blue of his irises almost dull from the lack of light.
“Hey,” he asks, “how are you?” When Sasuke remains silent, frozen in all of the information that's been poured into him over the last few hours, he sits up. “Are you okay? Did you have a dream again?” His voice is thick with concern and sleep, reaching up and clutching, firmly but gently, on Sasuke's shoulders. Sasuke nods, still stunned. “I know you hate it when you can't remember those things, Sas. I'm sorry.” There's a sadness in his voice that Sasuke couldn't pinpoint before, something old and bitter, and Sasuke knows at that moment - and in the minutes before that he suspected, looking back at all the times Naruto had just seemed off, but couldn't be sure - that Naruto knows. He remembers.
“N-no, I remember,” he stutters out, then his voice properly returns and he's shocked out of the daze he'd been in. His voice hitches. “Fuck. Fuck, Naru I made you wait so long . I'm so sorry, okay? I'm sorry."
And Naruto starts crying , good-to-honest sobbing, and Sasuke doesn't know what to do because he's not sure if he's messed up something or what, but then Naruto laughs, grabbing Sasuke and hugging him tightly. “You’re back,” he says in a breathless whisper. “And you don’t need to be sorry for making me wait,” he continues, looking Sasuke deep in the eyes. “I’d wait forever for you, Sasuke.”
The black-haired boy blushes, mumbling a quiet, “How cliché, you get that from a YA novel?” The insult holds no bite.
“Fuck you,” Naruto laughs, shoving Sasuke lightly, and Sasuke retaliates, knocking Naruto off the bed.
“Oh, you’re on,” he growls, and, and leaps up to tackle Sasuke off the bed as well. They’re nearly drunk on the euphoria, and actually forget Sakura, who upon waking up just mutters, “boys,” and drags a blanket out of the room to call for Itachi, an early riser, to make them some pancakes.
They finally collapse on the futon after a few more minutes, winded from the scuffle. Naruto makes a small noise to get Sasuke’s attention.
“Yeah, Naru?”
A pause. “I think I loved you then.”
Sasuke looks over at him, voice quiet. “I know I did. Think I still do.”
Naruto’s face flushes. “Yeah,” he says. “I think I still do, too.”