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The living room was dimly lit, only the small table lamp was on, casting a warm orange glow across the room. Yeonjun was curled up in the corner of the sofa, under a blanket still wearing his black beanie because it was getting colder in Autumn, even with the heaters on, sitting there with his notebook in hand, pen hovering over the paper, but nothing came to mind. Absolutely nothing. He had been attempting to write out lyrics for ‘Ito’, their new track on their upcoming Japanese album for almost three weeks now, but for some reason, every time he put pen to paper, his mind would go blank. The ideas were there, somewhere, half formed, but the words wouldn’t compute into writing. It was as though he’d hit some sort of mental barrier that wouldn't budge, or as though he was stumbling through fog, unable to grasp at the words that he so desperately wanted to write down.
Yeonjun had been desperately attempting to come up with something for the best part of six hours, finishing dinner early to shut himself in his room, vowing to make at least some progress. However, ever since he’d heard the rest of his members go to their rooms (at around eleven thirty), Yeonjun had moved from his room back into the living room, but the change of scene hadn’t helped. And now, hours later, his brain felt just as tired and wrung out as ever.
Why couldn’t he do this?
Previously, it had seemed easy, or maybe, not ‘easy’, but certainly not this difficult, but now, he just felt drained. Yeonjun read what he’d come up with so far, a measly two lines that were childish to say the least, nowhere near his usual standard, and a horrible sinking feeling of shame washed over him. The pressure to do better, be better, always achieve more, was almost suffocating. He was supposed to be good at this, but today’s attempt had resulted in just another failure.
As for the rest of his members- he hadn’t told them anything. They normally worked on song lyrics individually, so it wasn’t as though anyone would be there to see him struggle, but more than that, Yeonjun just didn’t want to be a burden. He didn’t want ot complain about this stupid mental block he was experiencing. He hadn’t even told Taehyun, because he was sure that if he did, he wouldn’t be able to keep himself together, and breaking down in front of Taehyun was the last thing he wanted to do.
Yeonjun sighed and stifled a yawn with his hand, stretching his legs from where they’d been curled up on the couch to look over at the kitchen clock. It was four in the morning, and even though every part of his brain was telling him that he needed to keep trying, keep going until he came up with something suitable to present to their producers, Yeonjun knew that a lack of sleep wasn’t going to get him anywhere.
Defeated and exhausted, Yeonjun got up, putting his notebook and pen down on the coffee table in front of him, and, not bothering to turn off the small lampshade next to him, he quietly made his way back to the corridor that lead to his and the rest of the members’ bedrooms.
“Hyung?”
The voice was soft, but Yeonjun almost jumped in surprise and stopped where he was as he saw Taehyun, standing there in the middle of the dimly lit hallway, a few meters away from him. Taehyun’s silver hair, freshly dyed from their recent online concert, was a little tousled from sleep. But even in the low light, Yeonjun could make out his surprised expression, brown eyes wide. Taehyun wore a black hoodie over his usual T-shirt and shorts that he slept in, and it only took a split second for Yeonjun to recognise the hoodie as his own. He’d allowed Taehyun to borrow it a few days ago when the younger had complained about being cold at night.
“Why are you up so late?” Taehyun asked. Yeonjun shrugged, attempting to keep his face neutral as he fiddled with his hands, not able to make eye contact and concentrating on a spot near his feet on the floor. He could already feel a pressure in his chest, the feeling you got before you were about to cry. He didn’t think he could speak.
“I just...couldn’t sleep.” Yeonjun managed to say, biting his bottom lip anxiously. He could feel a tightness in his throat now, the prickle at the corners of his eyes.
“Hyung, look at me, I know when you’re lying.” Taheyun said, but he didn’t sound angry, and his voice was soft. Reluctantly, Yeonjun lifted his head, to see Taheyun, still standing there head slightly tilted to one side as a small frown crossed his features, eyebrows slightly knitted together. He looked adorable, even when he was confused, brown eyes sparkling in the dimness, and Yeonjun open his mouth to explain further, to give any kind of excuse-
-but then he promptly burst into tears.
“What? What’s wrong?” Taehyun asked, shocked as his puzzled expression turned to one of concern, and he quickly rushed over to Yeonjun, who could already feel his cheeks flushing from shame as hot tears rolled down his cheeks. He attempted to cover his face with his hands, to quieten the sobs, because this was the last thing he’d wanted, for Taehyun to see him breakdown.
“I’m sorry, I’m sorry.” Yeonjun mumbled, words coming out shaky as he attempted to control his crying. He felt Taehyun gently take his hands, peeling ehm away from his tear stained face to look up at him worriedly.
“What’s going on?” Taehyun asked again, still holding Yeonjun’s hands away from his face, but Yeonjun shook his head, refusing to say anything. He felt stupid, crying like this. All he wanted was to curl in on himself in a ball of shame.
Taehyun was attempting to remain calm, but Yeonjun could still see that flash of worry in the younger’s eyes, and it made him feel even worse. Then, Taheyun let go of his hands and gently pulled Yeonjun into a hug, arms coming up to wrap around him tightly. Instinctively, Yeonjun hugged him back, the younger’s hair tickling the side of his face as he buried his face into Taehyn’s shoulder, feeling the comforting softness of his own black hoodie, which now smelt like Taehyun as he breath in that sweet familiar smell of vanilla and cinnamon.
“It’s ok, I’ve got you.” Taehyun said quietly, his voice coming out a little muffled from where he had buried his head into Yeonjun’s shoulder. But Yeonjun appreciated it all the same, as he clung on, just letting the tears fall.
They stayed like that for a few long moments in silence. Something that Yeonjun had come to learn about Taehyun was that sometimes, words weren’t necessary to communicate, and right now, Yeonjun knew exactly what Taehyun was trying to say. He clung onto the younger, feeling as though Taehyun was his little anchor, the only thing that was keeping him afloat right now, because Yeonjun was very nearly going under.
When they finally broke apart, only enough so that they could see each other properly, Yeonjun realised how much of a mess he must look, cheeks damp with tears and red puffy eyes. He’d just about managed to stop crying, but he felt shaky, and a little shivery, both emotionally and physically.
“I’m sorry.” Yeonjun mumbled once again. He felt as though he had to say it- he shouldn’t have been offloading his problems to Taehyun. He was the hyung, and most of the time, if not always, he felt as though that meant he had to remain the strong one, but apparently, he couldn’t even do that.
“Don't be sorry. Why are you sorry?” Taehyun asked softly, peering at him confusedly. Yeonjun gave a little shrug of his shoulders.
“For crying.”
For getting worked up over nothing. For not being able to remain strong. For breaking down in front of you like that. For being so weak. Yeonjun thought to himself, but of course he didn’t say it out loud.
“You’re allowed to cry, and you’re allowed to feel sad.” Taehyun said matter of factly, as Yeonjun took a shaky breath, giving a little nod even though he wasn’t sure he completely believed those words. That horrid perfectionist part of his brain wasn’t going to let him off the hook just yet.
Taehyun now unwrapped his arms from around Yeonjun, to pull the sleeves of the hoodie he was wearing down over his hands, and then proceeded to pat at Yeonjun’s tear stained cheeks with his sleeve paws.
Under normal circumstances, and if he hadn’t felt so dejected, Yeonjun would have asked what on Earth Taehyun was doing, but right then, he just let Taehyun do his thing. Besides, it was cute, and the simple action caused the smallest of smiles to begin to form at the corner of his mouth. Taehyun, seeing this, gave Yoenjun a reassuring smile in return.
Once he was done, Taehyun offered Yeonjun his hand, and so silently, Yeonjun unwrapped his arms from around Taehyun’s waist to link their hands together. The younger then proceeded to lead Yeonjun back down the hallway, not towards either of their rooms, but towards the living room and kitchen. This alone was a little confusing, but he didn’t say anything.
They reached the kitchen, Taehyun turned on the light, and immediately they were hit with the harsh glare of the lights. Yeonjun blinked in the light as his eyes adjusted to the darkness for a few seconds, but when they did, he realized that Taehyun had stopped in the middle of the kitchen, facing him.
“Do you want a drink? I could make tea? Or hot chocolate? Or decaf coffee if you like?” Taehyun asked casually, but he looked expectantly up at Yeonjun as though this was the most normal question to ask at four am. However, Yeonjun had a feeling that he knew exactly what Taehyun was trying to do, and the idea just made him feel guilty.
“I don’t want anything, thanks.” Yeonjun said quietly, but at this, Taehyun raised an eyebrow, as though it wasn’t up for discussion.
“I’ll make you tea.” Taehyun said as he turned away and tugged Yeonjun over to the kitchen counter (they were still holding hands), and he proceeded to reach up for the mugs in the cupboard on the top shelf. Unfortunately, his small hand couldn't quite reach the handle, and Yeonjun heard Taehyun make a little ‘tsk’ sound of frustration as he clicked his tongue.
“Here, let me.” Yeonjun said as he came up behind the younger and wrapped one hand around Taehyun’s waist, feeling the younger instantly lean back and relax against his chest. He then lifted his other hand to easily open the cupboard door and picked out a random mug, handing it over to Taehyun, who set it on the table.
“I want tea too, could you get another mug for me?” Taehyun asked, with a small wine in his voice. Yeonjun peered over Taehyun’s shoulder to look at the younger, and he saw Taehyun was giving him his cutest pout, eyes wide and innocent .
“Ok, ok, whatever you say, Mr 179 centimetres short.” Yeonjun teased, earning him a death glare from the younger.
“I’m not short.” Taehyun pouted, but then his glare quickly turned into a small smile, and Yeonjun easily reached up to grab another mug for Taehyun.
Yeonjun rested his chin on the younger’s shoulder, wrapping both of his arms around Taehyun’s waist as he watched the younger reach for the tea bags, fill the kettle and wait for it to boil. Luckily, although their kitchen was fairly spacious, everything they needed (from the tea bag tin to the kettle) was almost immediately right in front of them. This was a blessing considering Yeonjun became clingy when he was upset, and had no intention of ending this back hug, and Taehyun seemed to be enjoying it. And Yeonjun knew that now, for certain, because ever since they’d confessed their feelings, that invisible line that Taehyun had drawn out for him was slowly dissolving. Taehyun was beginning to open up, if not completely, then more so than he’d ever done before.
But as nice as this was, Yeonjun couldn’t let go of that stupid stab of guilt, even though Taehyun had reassured him minutes before that it was ok.
“You don't have to do this.” Yeonjun said, voice coming out barely audible in the silence, as he watched Taehyun pouring boiling hot water into each of their mugs.
At his words, Taehyun paused, holding the kettle in one hand, a half filled mug in the other.
“Do what exactly?” Taehyun asked, voice light, but Yeonjun could hear the slight edge to Taehyun’s voice as he continued to fill up the mug to the brim before replacing the kettle back on its stand.
Yeonjun felt his heart sinking. So Taehyun was going to make him say it? The younger had always been straightforward, saying things as they were, but that also included his policy of confronting your problems head on, wheas sometimes, all Yeonjun wanted to do was to run away. Especially now.
“Look after me. This is my problem, not yours.” Yeonjun said softly, voice shakier than he intended, and he closed his eyes, feeling the sting of shame of those words as he said them.
There was a pause, and for a split second, Yeonjun thought that Taehyun wouldn’t reply, but then the younger said:
“You’ve been looking after me since our trainee days, and you still look after me now.” Taehyun said gently. Yeonjun opened his eyes and took his chin away from Taehyun’s shoulder, wondering where exactly this was going. Taehyun had turned his head round, just enough to peer up at Yeonjun, expression serious as he continued:
“You’ve taken care of all of us, right from the start, and you never ask for anything in return. You’ve always been a good hyung to us, and to me. So for once, just let me look after you for a change.” Taehyun finished, jutting out his chin as though he was daring Yeonjun to argue with his logic. The younger’s expression was stoic, but Yeonjun could see a small glimmer of something that looked like admiration, and a warmth in Taehyun’s that he couldn’t quite put a label on.
Yeonjun swallowed. Out of all the things Taehyun could have said, he really hadn ‘t expected that, and with so much sincerity,
“Thank you.” he said quietly as he now leaned forwards , lightly kissed Taehyun on the cheek, making the younger giggle slightly in surprise as he tilted his head to the side to allow Yeonjun’s kiss. Those words were what he needed to hear, and the horrible feeling of self loathing was slowly dissipating.
When he straightened up, Yeonjun saw that Taehyun had tossed the tea bags that had been floating in their mugs into the bin. He reluctantly removed his arms from around Taehyun’s waist as the younger turned round to hand him his mug. Yeonjun then followed Taehyun over to the kitchen table, where he sat at one of the high chairs, cradling his mug in his hands. However, Taehyun seemed to think chairs were beneath him, because after carefully setting his own cup down, Taehyun proceeded to swiftly lift himself up onto the table, scooting over so that he was sitting on the table top, legs dangling as he sat right in front of Yeonjun. Like this, Taehyun had a rare moment of having a height advantage over him, but when Yeonjun stood up, he knew they’d be practically at eye level.
Taehyun picked up his cup and took a small sip. Yeonjun did likewise, and instantly regretted it. For one, it was boiling hot, and for another, Yeonjun hadn't been paying much attention to what type of tea Taehyun was making before, but now he realised that it was Soobin’s chamomile tea, (their leader was the only person who actually drank the stuff) and it tasted funny, although Yeonjun wasn’t one to be fussy when it came to food and drink.
He grimaced at the heat and the taste, and Taehyun must have seen his expression, because he gave a little scoff, before saying:
“It’s disgusting isn't it?”
“What? No! The flavour’s just a bit...unusual.” Yeonjun said, making vague hand gestures with his free hand, while Taehyun rolled his eyes and shook his head slightly, putting his mug down on the table beside him and Yeonjun did the same.
Yeonjun found that Taehyun was attempting to peer into his face, looking concerned, dark eyes serious as his sleeve paws gripped at the edge of the table. Yeonjun knew that this was the moment where he was supposed to tell Taehyun exactly what was going on, why he’d been awake all night, why he’d broken down in the middle of the corridor, but this idea was starting to terrify him again. So instead of meeting the younger’s eyes, he lowered his gaze to his hands in his lap, wishing he didn’t have to do this.
“Just talk to me. Please?” Taehyun said gently, as he reached forwards and took both of Yeonjun’s hands in his. Yeonjun scooted closer on his seat as he reluctantly peered up at Taehyun, the concern clearly etched into his face. And there it was, another little stab of self loathing for making the younger worry so much.
“It’s stupid.” Yeonjun started, barely able to look Taehyun in the eye, and instead focused on their intertwined hands. Taehyun was holding his hands in such a way that he could gently run his thumb across Yeonjun’s knuckles, working small circles with his thumb over the back of his hand in a soothing motion.
“Try me.” Taehyun said, in a tone that was half challenging, and Yeonjun looked up once more.
Taehyun held his gaze, chocolate brown doe eyes wide, sincere, willing Yeonjun to just open up, to talk, to trust him. Yeonjun felt Taehyun give his hands a little squeeze, as though to remind him that he wasn’t alone as long as they held onto each other, and it was this that finally made Yeonjun open his mouth and start to talk.
“I just- I can’t seem to come up with song lyrics.” Yeonjun started. As soon as the words left his mouth, he saw Taehyun’s eyebrows raise in bewilderment, as though he couldn't quite believe that this was the problem. Immediately, Yeonjun wished he'd never said anything at all. This was too difficult, and he could barely get the words out anyway.
But Taehyun seemed to know exactly how he was feeling as his expression softened.
“No, don’t stop. Carry on.” Taehyun said encouragingly, giving Yeonjun a little nod, and so, after taking a shaky breath, he continued:
“It’s not that I don’t have ideas, I do, they’re there, in my head, but when I try and write them down, I just can’t. I can’t translate what I want from my brain onto the page, even though I used to have no problem before, the words would just come easily. And the more I try, the more difficult it gets, and I just feel so tired, like I've already given everything I’ve got, and now there’s nothing left. It feels like I’m trying to push against a barrier that won’t break, and I can’t get to the other side. This mental block has been going on for a few weeks now, and I don’t know what to do. The deadline for lyrics approval is in less than two weeks, and I know the producers expect something from all of us, but I’ve got nothing, and I guess I’m starting to panic. I just feel like I’ve failed.”
Yeonjun said all of this is a bit of a rush, desperate to just get it over with, but once he’d started talking, he couldn’t stop all of his feelings from tumbling out. Now that he’d finished, he was painfully aware of the silence, and he realised that half way through, he’d stopped looking at Taehyun, but had focused yet again on their intertwined hands, because he was afraid of what the younger would think, how he’d react. Yeonjun just didn’t want Taehyun to think less of him.
And then Taheyun said into the silence:
“Do you think that maybe the reason this is so difficult is because you’re putting too much pressure on yourself? “
Yeonjun raised his head just enough to see Taehyun sitting there thoughtfully, a small crease between his eyebrows.
“Do you think that maybe, the whole reason behind your problem is more to do with yourself than anything else?” Taehyun added. Yeonjun frowned, not sure he was following. Yes, he put pressure on himself to do well, all the time, but that was what drove him forwards, it always had. Surely it wasn’t the thing that was holding him back?
“I’m not sure what you mean.” Yeonjun said quietly. Taehyun sighed, looking thoughtful as though he were attempting to figure out the best way to phrase his next words.
“You’ve done a lot this year.” Taehyun started, gazing right at Yeonjun with such intensity that Yeonjun knew he wouldn’t be able to tear his eyes away now. When Taehyun gave you that look, you knew you had given him your full attention.
“Setting aside everything you’ve done with us, as a group, you’ve achieved so much in this year alone. You’ve made a cameo appearance on ‘Live On’, you’ve made a solo modelling debut at New York Fashion Week, and had a fashion collaboration too. You were on GQ magazine with Soobin hyung, and on the cover of Elle magazine. You were on Studio Choom’s artist of the Month, you’ve had your name credited in so many of our songs this year, even staying up all night to complete your rap verse for Loser=Lover. And just recently, you wrote lyrics to our junior’s song, and you're featured on it too.”
Here, Taehyun paused, and Yeonjun took a moment to take all of that in. When Taehyun put it like that, he realized that yes, he had done a lot, both with his members and on his own, and for a second, Yeonjun felt the pride in all he’d achieved, before the anxiety set in once more as Taehyun continued:
“You’ve done so much this year, you’ve been incredible, and I’m so proud of you. But I know those achievements can also put pressure on you, to achieve even more, to always do better, and that can be a good thing, but too much pressure isn’t. It can make you compare what you’re doing now to what you’ve done in the past, and make you think it won’t ever be good enough, and I think that’s what's happening right now. You’re being too critical, and you're putting yourself down for no reason. After everything you’ve achieved this year, I think maybe you’ve burnt yourself out, both mentally and physically, and that’s why doing something as seemingly simple as coming up with new lyrics is making you feel this way. Am I right?”
Taehyun finished his speech, and here, he gave Yeonjun a questioning look, wondering exactly how much of that he’d gotten right. Yeonjun sat there, blinking in surprise, awestruck that Taehyun and basically hit the nail on the head so to speak. He’d managed to put into words the exact feeling Yoenjun was trying to express, and had found the reason as to the cause of it all, in such a simple way.
“You're right. I just wish you didn’t have to see me break down like that before. ” Yeonjun said softly as he averted his gaze, focusing on a spot of the kitchen floor as he felt his face burning with embarrassment, feeling the sting of tears once more at the corners of his eyes.
“Come here.” Taehyun said quietly. Yeonjun felt Taehyun tug at his hands to pull him up from his seat, so he stood up taking a step closer. Yeonjun wrapped his arms around Taehyun’s waist. The younger gently cupped Yeonjun’s face in his hands, giving him no choice but to look at him.
“Take a break from writing lyrics. Just for a week, then come back and start again. You need to let your mind rest. The deadline for submission is on the 30th October, that gives you plenty of time after to come up with ideas before the deadline. I think you’ll find a break is what you need.” Taehyun said firmly, and though Yeonjun’s first instinctive reaction was to protest, he had to acknowledge the fact that Taehyun was probably right: no, he didn’t want a break, but he needed one, and he couldn’t go on like this for much longer.
“Ok.” Yeonjun said as Taehyun gave him a small smile, those dark eyes crinkling at the edges in a way that never failed to make feel better.
“Good.” Taehyun said, and then after a moment's consideration, added “You know, we all have a breaking point, and maybe this is yours. But you’ll get through it. And it doesn’t make you a weak person, not to anyone, and certainly not to me.” Taehyun said, as he now removed his hands from Yeonjun’s face to reach up and gently tug off Yeonjun’s beanie, placing it on the table beside him, revealing Yeonjun’s dark hair underneath, probably half tousled, half flattened by now. Taehyun then lightly brushed Yeonjun’s hair back before placing a light kiss on his forehead.
Yeonjun closed his eyes briefly at the kiss before opening them once more, and now, he really did feel the tears threatening to spill over, but not from sadness, but from relief. Relief that he’d told Taehyun, that he’d finally opened up about this thing that had been slowly eating away at him for weeks, and more than that, just feeling happy in the knowledge that Taehyun understood, that his feelings were safe.
“Since when did you get so wise?” Yeonjun asked softly, blinking away his tears as Taehyun leaned back to look at him with a little self satisfied smile on his face.
“Since I realised I had to be the functioning brain of this crackhead group.” Taehyun said, throwing a pointed look Yeonjun’s way, but he couldn’t help but notice the way Taehyun’s mouth twitched at the corners.
“Are you calling the rest of us ‘dumb’ then?” Yeonjun asked in mock outrage, feeling a smile start to form on his own face as Taehyun shook his head, but his playful expression suggested that he thought otherwise.
“Of course not.” Taehyun said pouting cutely now as he picked up Yeonjun’s beanie from right there next to him on the table, and, in a rather spontaneous fashion as though to avoid the subject, he shoved it onto his own head, covering his silver hair. But this proved to be somewhat of a mistake, because Yeonjun’s beanie was just that little bit too big, and it managed to slip right over Taehyun’s eyes, temporarily blinding him. Immediately, Taehyun started to panic.
“I can’t see!” Taehyun squeaked, voice rising an octave higher than usual as, in his flustered state, Taehyun managed to jump off of the kitchen table onto the floor, and Yeonjun just about managed to hastily step backwards, almost knocking down the high chair he’d been sitting on but managed to turn round and grab it before it fell.
“Help me! Hyung? Yeonjun hyung!”
Yeonjun whipped round as Taheyun’s voice grew louder and more frantic, and it was lucky that he did so because Taehyun whirled around wildly took, a few steps forwards and almost stumbled straight into the corner of the table, hands out as the beanie still covered his eyes. The scene would have been almost laughable if Taehyun didn't seem so scared.
“Woah! Careful, I’ve got you.” Yeonjun said, stepping forwards and grabbing Taehyun firmly from behind by the waist, just as the younger almost fell forwards in the table, making grabby hands out for him.
“You’re safe.” Yeonjun said reassuringly, attempting to keep his voice as calm as possible as Taheyun stopped panicking, and now turned round in his arms to face him, beanie still covering his eyes as his hands came up to grab the front of Yeonjun’s t-shirt, clinging to him tightly.
Yeonjun reached forwards and gently lifted the rim of the beanie up so that Taehyun could see once more. The younger peeked up at him from under the brim of the hat, looking more than a little sheepish. His small chest was rising and falling rapidly, cheeks dusted a delicate shade of pink, and the panic in his wide eyes was quickly fading to an expression of embarrassment.
“I wasn’t panicking.” Taehyun said as he looked up at Yeonjun defiantly, even though they both knew this wasn’t true. Yeonjun raised an eyebrow at Taehyun, who continued to pout.
“If you say so.” Yeonjun said playing along, as he struggled to hide his smile, and instead, he carefully adjusted the beanie on Taehyun's head, setting it back a little and brushing Taehyun’s soft hair out of his eyes.
They finally let go of Yeonjun’s shirt so that he could take a look at the younger’s mainly borrowed outfit. Now with the beanie properly adjusted, it actually looked quite stylish, and this meant that now Taehyun was currently wearing two items of Yeonjun’s clothing. For some reason, the idea that Taehyun was wearing his clothes gave Yeonjun a strange rush of happiness, one because swapping clothing was something that couples did, but mostly because Taehyun just looked plain adorable.
“You look cute.” Yeonjun said, and at this, Taehyun’s cheeks flushed from shyness this time, but he looked pleased as he bit his lip, that smile that always reached his dark eyes coming over his face.
Then not being able to help himself, Yeonjun added: “You know, for the smartest person in this group, you really can be a bit of a dunce sometimes.” he said, because really, Taehyun hadn’t had to panic earlier, he could have just lifted the beanie up by himself, but it was moments like those that reminded Yeonjun how cute the younger could be.
The effect was immediate as Taehyun gasped in shock, narrowing his eyes as his face turned to a scowl, and he made his way over to Yeonjun, where he promptly tugged him forwards by the arm just so he could whack his hyung in the chest with his hand.
“Ouch! Just aim straight for the heart, why don’t you!” Yeonjun cried dramatically, clutching at his chest with his free hand as Taehyun stuck his tongue out at him, grinning all the while.
“That didn’t hurt.” Taehyun said, tutting as Yeonjun pouted, attempting to look mournful.
“Yes it did!” he retorted, playing along (it didn’t, Taehyun was always a sweetheart with him) but still, Yeonjun wasn’t going to let Taehyun get away, and Taehyun must have sensed this, because he attempted to tug his hand out of Yeonjun’s grasp.
“Come here you!” and in one smooth motion, Yeonjun tugged Taehyun even closer and grabbed him by the waist, lifting Taehyun up in his arms as the younger gave a squeak of surprise. The younger had no choice but to wrap his arms around Yeonjun’s neck, giggling as Yeonjun spun them around a few times.
“Stop spinning, I’m dizzy!” Taehyun yelped, but his dark eyes were shining with a happy giddiness, smiling widely. Yeonjun grinned back, because right then, in that moment, the darkness and worry and anxiety in his own brain had disappeared, and all he could see was Taehyun, beaming down at him, and that's how Yeonjun wanted it to stay.
They’d stopped spinning now and held each other’s gazes for a few seconds, the little moment of joy that they’d just created still shining, before Yeonjun remembered something that he’d wanted to ask before.
“How come you were awake?” he asked curiously to Taehyun, because of course when Yeonjun had seen Taehyun standing there in the hallway, he’d wondered why, especially as it was so late, or so early, depending on how you looked at it, but he hadn’t thought about it properly until now.
At his question, Taehyun began to look a little awkward, and this time, it was the younger's turn to avert his gaze slightly as he nibbled at his lower lip.
“Come on, tell me.” Yeonjun said gently, attempting to peer up at Taehyun and into his eyes, but Taheyun avoided him, which only made Yeonjun more curious, and also slightly concerned. Taehyun had listened to his problems, his concerns, had helped him, but what if the younger had had concerns of his own? Was that why he’d also been awake?
This thought must have shown on his face, because now, Taehyun turned to him, attempting a smile, but it came out a little wobbly. Even so, he took a breath before saying:
“It’s not anything serious. I promise, it’s just…'' Taehyun trailed off, looking as though he was struggling to get the words out as his face flushed a delicate shade of pink, but then Taheyun looked back at him determinedly and said all at once:
“I was really cold and I woke up and couldn’t get back to sleep again, so ...so I went to your room, wondering if we could cuddle, but you weren’t there.” Taehyun’s voice went up an octave at the end of his existence, more a question than a statement. He looked distinctly awkward, not exactly looking at Yeonjun, but fixed on a point over his shoulder.
However, if Taehyun was feeling awkward, Yeonjun was in pure stunned shock. He just about managed to keep his mouth from falling open. Not one, not once, had Taehyun ever asked to share a bed, let alone cuddle with him, since they’d confessed their feelings. Infact, he’d been the one to speak up and directly say that he wasn’t ready, which was something that Yeonjun had respected. Sure, sharing a bed with any of their members wasn’t exactly new territory, and it was sort of confronting to have another person to cuddle up with especially when it was cold, but the whole romantic feelings factor had thrown a spanner in the works between him and Taehyun where sharing a bed was concerned- until now it seemed.
“Really?” Yeonjun asked, voice coming out a little strangled, but hopeful, as Taehyun managed to look at him once more.
“Yes.” Taehyun said quietly, as though he was hardly daring to hope, and Yeonjun could see the insecurity there in Taehyun’s eyes, as though he was wondering whether Yeonjun would even want the same. But Yeonjun had never wanted anything more.
“Well..umm, if you like, we could go to my room and cuddle now?” Yeonjun asked, and at this, Taehyun’s face lit up and the younger nodded eagerly, eyes shining happily with nervousness and excitement all bundled up together as he leaned forwards and rested his forehead against Yeonjun’s, noses practically touching.
“Ok then.” Yeonjun said softly, and Taheyun let out an involuntary little giggle which must have been catching, because Yeonjun was struggling not to laugh as well as Taehyun leaned back and Yeonjun grinned. A light had finally come on in the darkness, and suddenly, the darkness wasn’t so scary anymore.
Yeonjun carried Taehyun out of the kitchen, past the living room, turning off all the lights as he did so, down the corridor to his bedroom right at the end. However, when they got here, Yeonjun stopped, one hand resting on the door handle, the other firmly holding Taehyun in place as he peered up at the younger, who looked at him questioningly.
“Are you sure this is what you want?” Yeonjun asked, because even though it was just cuddling, and it may not seem like a big deal, he knew that for Taehyun, it was a big deal- this was a level of intimacy that the younger had to work towards, and Yeonjun didn’t want to mess up.
Taehyun nodded, smiling sweetly.
“Yes, I know I’m safe with you.” Taehyun replied softly, so Yeonjun pushed open the handle and it swung open, revealing his bedroom, which was only dimly lit by his bedside lamp that he’d been using hours ago, and must have forgotten to turn off when he’d moved to the living room.
Yeonjun carefully set Taehyun down onto the floor, and wordlessly, they both took each other’s hands as they walked inside. Yeonjun could feel Taehyun’s slightly smaller hand gripping his tightly, and suddenly, he felt his heart beating just that little bit faster. He hadn’t felt nervous before, but now as they stopped right beside the bed, Yeonjun cast an anxious glance towards his single fox plushie next to his pillow, and he must have gone slightly mad, because he briefly wondered what it would be like if his plushie could talk, whether it would give him some advice, before turning towards Taehyun, who looked at him expectantly.
“So umm, how exactly…?” Yeonjun started, waving his free hand about vaguely, not quite sure how he was supposed to finish that sentence. Taehyun raised an eyebrow, gave him a half confident, half shy little smile.
“Like this.” he said, as suddenly, Yeonjun was yanked onto the bed by Taehyun, who had tugged at his hand rather hard while also scrambling on the mattress. Yeonjun gave a yelp of surprise as he felt himself falling straight onto the bed and somehow, he ended up on his back, head resting on the pillow as he heard a soft ‘THUMP!’. Taehyun had landed right on top of him.
Yeonjun peered up in shock to see Taehyun, practically straddling him, the younger’s legs on either side of his hips, hands on either side on his head digging into the pillow, but Taehyun was using his arms to keep himself from completely falling on top of Yeonjun, as though he were afraid of crushing him.
The fall had completely knocked the breath about to both of them, and for a few moments, all they could do was gaze at each other as the realisation of their current predicament hit them. Taehyun’s eyes were wide and shining, filled with both a tiny bit of panic, but also a giddy happiness, cheeks flushed. He looked a little startled, as though he couldn’t believe what he’d done, and honestly, neither could Yeonjun, who knew that Taehyun’s startled expression must have been reflected on his own face. To say this was awkward was an understatement, but Yeonjun found that he rather liked it.
“Well this is new.” Yeonjun supplied, a little unnecessarily, and Taehyun, gave a small giggle in response, looking rather shy considering he’d been the one to initiate this whole thing.
“Agreed.” Taehyun squeaked, not quite being able to meet Yeonjun’s gaze as he flushed evenmore. But Yeonjun didn’t want Taehyun to feel shy, even though he was certainly cute when he was. So Yeonjun brought his hands around Taehyun’s waist, and gently tugged him closer, pulling him down to close the gap between them.
“Come here. There’s no need to be shy, it’s just me.” Yeonjun said reassuringly. Taehyun nodded, taking a shaky breath that was more joy than nervousness. Taehyun let him pull him closer so that they were chest to chest, and it wasn’t uncomfortable, because they just fit perfectly, as though they were always meant to be.
Yeonjun wondered whether it could only be his heart that was drumming so loudly, or whether Taehyun could also hear it too. They were so close, noses almost touching, and Yeonjun could have easily memorized every little detail of Taehyun’s face: his perfectly angled nose, his sharp jawline, those high cheekbones, pretty soft lips and wide, dark eyes, like little galaxies filled with light as they shone with happiness. He was beautiful, so beautiful.
And then the silence was broken.
“Oh my god, stop staring!” Taehyun exclaimed, as his eyes crinkled with mirth and he started to laugh, sweet smile and cute dimples on full display while Yeonjun gaped in astonishment, not expecting this at all. But Taehyun’s laugh was infectious, and pretty soon Yeonjun was laughing too. Why, he wasn’t entirely sure, but a stupid, silly giddiness had taken over both of them, and it helped defuse the awknwardness and tension, so that when their laughter died down, it didn’t feel awkward, it jusy felt so right.
When Yeonjun finally stopped laughing, he realised that Taehyun was now looking down at him with such an awestruck expression, as though he’d seen some sort of miracle, dark eyes wide and shining, mouth slightly open as though he’d never looked at Yeonjun properly before, and was now only seeing him for the first time.
“Look who’s staring now.” Yeonjun said softly, still smiling as he teased the younger, but Taehyun didn’t even blink.
“Did you know that when you smile, your cheeks lift and go all round and cute, and you get laughter lines, and your nose scrunches up. And you get the tiniest crinkles right here by your eyes, they’re barely noticeable, but you can see them if you look close enough.” Taehyun said softly, and as he said these words, he gently touched each of these features of Yeonjun’s face, first running his fingers lightly over Yeonjun’s cheeks, and then lightly bopping Yeonjun on the nose, and to finnish by lightly thumbing the area right at the corner of Yeonjun’s left eye, before gently cupping his face.
Yeonjun felt his cheeks flushing, the heat travelling right up to his ears as he now covered Taehyun’s hand with his own, their fingers intertwining together.
“And? So? You're just describing my face.” Yeonjun said, now biting his lip playfully as Taehyun predictably rolled his eyes and sighed, because he knew it had been a compliment, but he wanted to see what else Taehyun would say. And to be fair, he wasn’t disappointed.
“And it’s beautiful. Your smile is beautiful, hyung. I want you to always keep smiling, even when it’s difficult, ok?” Taehyun said softly. Yeonjun nodded, a sudden warm happy glow like no other spreading right through his body and he squeezed Taehyun’s hand in his, holding on tightly. He never wanted to let go.
And then Yeonjun noticed how Taehyun’s gaze flickered down to his lips, before quickly going back to look him right in the eyes. Yeonjun raised his eyebrows, giving Taehyun a questioning look, and Taehyun gave the smallest of nods, confirming what Yeonjun already knew. He now grinned and mouthed the words “don’t be shy” at Taehyun, who leaned forwards as Yeonjun let go of Taehyun’s hand only to cup the side of his face, and Taehyun gently tilted Yeonjun’s chin up as their lips met.
Yeonjun closed his eyes as his world was flooded with light, like the first rays of sunlight at the break of dawn, that flushes the darkness out with golden glory, like the warmth that fills you up as the rays brightens up the sky, shining over everything it touches. It was euphoria, this giddiness that threatened to overwhelm him, because Taehyun was everything, everything all at once, so much hotter and sweeter that Yeonjun could ever have expected.
Yeonjun pulled Taehyun closer, one arm wrapped around the younger’s waist, his other hand travelling to Taehyun’s hairline, so that his fingers met the beanie that Taehyun was wearing. In one swift motion, Yeonjun tugged the beanie off and let it fall to the floor as his fingers trailed through the soft silver strands of Taehyun’s hair. He felt the younger clutching the front of his T-shirt with one hand, making a small fist, tugging Yeonjun upwards so that he had to push himself up by his elbows to keep their lips connected. And suddenly, Yeonjun overbalanced, so that Taehyun landed softly on the pillows on his back, their positions reversed as Yeonjun landed on top, feeling Taehyun pulling him back down towards him by the font of his shirt, but that was ok, because Taehyun was bliss, and Yeonjun would happily fall forever.
When they finally broke apart, both out of breath, there was silence, nothing but the sound of their slightly heavy breathing as Yeonjun’s gaze travelled across Taehyun’s face: his now very tousled silver hair, cheeks flushing, lips slightly swollen from the pressure of the kiss, dark eyes shining, brighter than the stars. He knew that he must look the same, or even more so, because he didn’t think he could ever get used to this: this feeling of complete contentment like no other.
“What happened to making me ‘work for it’?” Yeonjun asked in a mock accusational tone, giving Taehyun his best pout as the younger smiled.
“You have ‘worked for it’. Everyday, since we were trainees until now, you’ve proven yourself to me, as a hyung, as a friend, and now as….” here, Taehyun’s voice faded to nothing and he looked slightly awkward. Yeonjun gently cupped the side of Taehyun’s face in his hand, making the younger look right at him, the flush even more obvious now in in Taehyun’s cheeks, as he took a breath and continued.
“...and now as my boyfriend. You’re everything that I want, and that’s never going to change.” Taehyun finished with conviction, and now he was able to look Yeonjun right in the eye, showing that he meant every word.
And Yeonjun was floating somewhere, in a happy, giddy, dumbfounded bubble of joy. That was the first time Taehyun had ever referred to him as his ‘boyfriend’- that word alone was enough to make his heart soar.
“Calling me you’re ‘boyfriend’ now are we?” Yeonjun teased, wiggling his eyebrows suggestively, and at this, Taehyun made a noise of half frustration, half amusement as he rolled his eyes, but then gave Yeonjun a little flirtatious smile as he lifted his arms to wrap them around Yeonjun’s neck.
“Don’t make a big deal out of it!” Taehyun whined, although he beamed all the same.
“Ok, ok, I won’t.” Yeonjun promised, although he was overjoyed, and now he couldn’t help his gaze flicker down to Taehyun’s lips before he looked back at the younger’s face. He knew Taehyun had noticed by the way he looked at him, and he had to ask:
“So, as your boyfriend, may I-?”
“Yes.”
Taehyun answered before Yeonjun could even finish his sentence. The younger knew exactly what Yeonjun meant.
“I’m all yours, It Boy.” Taehyun whispered, eyes shining, and he gently tugged Yeonjun closer, as Yeonjun tilted Taehyun’s chin up and their lips met once more.
The sun streamed in through the bedroom window as the first rays of light broke through the darkness, trailing warmth across the room as they kissed, signalling the start of a new dawn, a new day, casting out the night into the shadows. But Yeonjun hardly noticed. He had Taehyun in his arms, and the morning was nothing compared to the warmth that spread through his chest. Because Taehyun was Yeonjun’s anchor, his everything, and the light of his heart.