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The solitary chime of the old clock in the hallway rang through the castle, marking the dark lonely hour of the morning, and making Xehanort conscious of how long he had laid awake in bed. It wasn't an unusual occurrence though. Sleep had often been an elusive thing for him, despite how tired and comfortable he was. He occupied himself like he normally did by staring at the ceiling and studying the various shades of darkness in the shadows around the room. What weighed on his mind though that wouldn't let him rest, though was different.
That strange man in the black cloak, the so-called "Lost Master," who had sent him on his "tour," had shown him what needed to be done. The possibilities. Xehanort had learned his role. The purpose of his life. He was learning what needed to be done. What he would have to do.
The weight of that responsibility was starting to make itself known. That weight is what kept Xehanort up tonight. It made it hard to even take a deep breath to try and quiet his mind.
Xehanort's attention was taken away from the ceiling and the shadows as he felt Eraqus shifting beside him. While this was Eraqus' bed, as evidenced by the mountains of soft pillows and blankets that surrounded them, the other young master seemed to make himself comfortable on Xehanort's chest. His arm wrapped around his chest, like Xehanort wrapped his own arm around Eraqus' back. The two of them holding each other close. Despite the comfort Xehanort felt in that moment from him, it was Eraqus who was the cause of most of the weight on Xehanort's mind and made it hard to sleep.
Eraqus had been there for him since he had left the islands. He was one of the first people he had met when he returned to Scala and had welcomed him with that brilliant smile of his. Eraqus was one of Xehanort's first true friends and in recent years that friendship had bloomed into a romantic love. That love was precious to Xehanort. It was what made his heart soar and gave him strength when he needed it. It was something Xehanort wouldn't give up for anything. Yet, that was what he was being asked to do.
It wasn't a direct request, or even vaguely mentioned. During his tour of the worlds, Xehanort had seen the abundance of light,but also the darkness lingering in so many hearts. He had seen the countless bids for power among the weak. Thanks to the Lost Master, Xehanort had been given an opportunity to make a change, to create balance. It was to be his reason for existing. Yet, this one person cuddled next to him was unknowingly causing him so much doubt about this grand plan.
Xehanort began gently stroking Eraqus' inky black hair and brushing it out of his face. The lockes felt like silk between his fingers, and the moon illuminated Eraqus' graceful features. His cheeks were still round, but they had become more defined, along with his jaw, as they matured. His skin was always so soft and smooth. Xehanort even felt a fondness for the gentle curve of Eraqus’ long eyelashes. It almost bordered on ridiculousness how even the small details of this man could fluster him.
“Why do you do this to me?” Xehanort quietly asked his sleeping lover.
He didn’t expect a response. It was more a question for himself. Although, he already knew the answer: Xehanort loved him.
Authors, playwrights, and poets all went on about how great and wonderful love was. How powerful it was. How it motivated people to do the impossible or at least attempt it. They had heard it from their teachers and even vendors on the street. Love was the most powerful force of all. Xehanort had felt it himself as his feelings for Eraqus bloomed. It was that love that held him back, and it was Eraqus that Xehanort always found himself coming back to. Eraqus was the one thing keeping Xehanort from flying off into the dark lanes between the worlds. He kept him from flinging himself through time and space. Eraqus had become his anchor, keeping him grounded and holding him steady. He made Xehanort feel safe and loved, so very loved. How could he not, when he was what Eraqus reached for every night they slept together, even when dead asleep? That love, that affection, that security, made Xehanort doubt.
After all, why didn’t Xehanort just stay? He was happiest at Eraqus’ side. This bed could become their bed. Their room. They could teach new keyblade wielders together, and protect the light. They could stay like this until they were old and wrinkled, reminiscing on the times they had here and on Scala. Who wouldn’t want that life for themselves? Why couldn’t that be the purpose of his existence? What would their long passed friend have said? Xehanort imagined they would have called him foolish for considering abandoning such a life. Perhaps he was foolish, but Xehanort knew what he had seen. He saw it clear as day. Xehanort had seen his path, and he could not possess both he desired and what he needed to do.
While they shared almost everything, Xehanort had not shared any of this, his meeting with the Lost Master or his new found revelation, with Eraqus. He couldn’t, because deep down, Xehanort knew that if Eraqus said the word and asked him to stay, he would. He would abandon the plan. So, Xehanort kept silent and wrestled the question inside himself.
The words of one of his teachers came unbidden to his mind.
Remember, Xehanort...responsibility demands sacrifice.
When he had first heard those words, Xehanort hadn’t given much thought to their gravity. What exactly he would be asked to sacrifice, and now it was staring at him in the face. If this grand life mission was to be his responsibility, then Eraqus, his precious Eraqus, would have to be his sacrifice. The dream of a life together with the man he loved would have to remain just that, a dream. If Xehanort wanted to fulfill his responsibility, to create the balance the worlds so desperately needed, he would have to let Eraqus go. And Xehanort wasn’t ready to do that.
Tonight though, he didn’t have to choose. Not yet. So, Xehanort chose to nuzzle the top of Eraqus’ head, and held onto him a little tighter. Tonight it could just be them and everything was as it should be. He placed a soft kiss on the crown of his lover’s head. That one kiss though was quickly followed by another and another, until he was covering Eraqus’ face with them and the other master slowly began to blink awake. Xehanort was afraid that would happen, but not only could he not resist kissing that beautiful face, he wasn’t sure how much longer he would have to do so.
“Xehanort?” Eraqus said with a sleepy smile. His eyes bleary. “Everything ok?”
“Yes, everything is fine.” Xehanort lied quietly, stroking his cheek. "Go back to sleep, Eraqus.”
“Mmm…’kay,” He then moved up just enough to give Xehanort a soft kiss on his lips. By the Light, his lips were divine, and tasted sweet against his own. “Get some sleep yourself.”
“I will.” Xehanort gave Eraqus another kiss, this time on the forehead and watched him settle back against him.
It didn't take long before Xehanort could tell he had fallen back asleep. With a sigh, he closed his eyes as well and focused only on the feeling of Eraqus next to him, the beating of his heart, and his slow gentle breathing. Hopefully, it would allow Xehanort to dream of a world line where his responsibility did not exist and that picturesque life for him and Eraqus could be reality.