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Ryuunosuke Akutagawa isn’t one for feelings.
Especially the kind that makes him feel awkward and angry.
Those are the worst. Because there really isn’t too much you can do about them. He has tried ignoring them, but that has only caused him more problems. Facing them was also out of the question. So he made a compromise with himself since these feelings just had to go. He would solicit advice from someone who he knew he could trust. Someone who had been through something just as disgusting and somehow made it out alive. Maybe if he was lucky, he would make it out of this situation alive as well.
Akutagawa had solicited the help of Chuuya Nakahara, his superior as well as a feared Port Mafia executive. He couldn’t deny the advice he had been given, it was logical. Yet something about it had made him feel strangely worse. It made him anxious to think about.
A cold breeze makes his long jacket flutter, reminding him to stay grounded in the current moment. He looks over the Yokohama skyline from atop a tall building, a relaxing hobby for him. The orange of the setting sun makes all the buildings glow, a pretty sight. He lets out a deep breath. He knows what he has to do, but that doesn’t make it any less terrifying.
With a swoosh of his jacket, he resolves to do what he must. Somehow phrasing it like that helps him. He walks to the elevator landing and presses the button that will take him down to the first floor.
The doors close and he brings out his phone calling a very particular number.
“Akutagawa?” came a confused voice on the other side of the line.
He took a deep breath willing himself to not say anything embarrassing or that would give off the wrong impression. He didn’t want to mess this up.
“Weretiger, meet me at Yamashita Park in half an hour.”
That came out completely wrong, he thought to himself.
“Uh, ok,” Came Atusushi’s voice from the cell phone, still very confused. “Are you going to try to kill me again, Akutagawa?”
“How about you show up and find out.”
Shut up. Again, he was not very good at this. Just stop talking!
Then he hung up before the other boy even had a chance to answer. He cursed himself but put the phone away. The elevator came to a stop on the last floor and he started walking out. But then he noticed a figure leaning up against a wall. If he wasn’t in the Port Mafia, that figure would have spelled out destruction for him and he’d be dead where he stood. He walked past the figure though, stopping only when he had passed them.
“What do you need, Gin?” He asked, not bothering to turn back.
The figure pushed herself off the wall and walked over to her older brother. She didn’t need to say anything (not that she usually would anyway), he already knew what she would say.
“I don’t need your opinion, I know what I am doing.” It came out harsher than he expected, but she knew how he meant it. She replied by walking in front of him and giving him a stare, the only one that could really shake the Port Mafia’s rabid dog.
“What?” He asked his sister. The stare was her only reply. “If you have something to say Gin, say it .”
She lets out a big sigh, then reaches up to take off her signature mask.
“Ryuunosuke.”
A silent chill makes its way up the boy’s spine. She is the only one who ever calls him by his first name and the only one he’ll ever allow to do so. His sister knew there was something up and now there was no weaseling his way out of it.
“Alright,” Akutagawa relents. “I may have done something.”
Gin puts on a sympathetic look, urging him to talk about it.
“Something incredibly stupid and now I have to have to face it. I asked Executive Nakahara about it and he already gave me advice, but I’m not sure how exactly to go through with it. Well, without messing it up.” He confesses.
His sister doesn’t say anything, but he is used to these kinds of one-sided conversations with her. (She tends to talk more around him, but it’s not by much.)
He continues to explain.
“It concerns the weretiger.”
She gives him an accusing look. He can tell exactly what that kind of look says.
Use his real name, Ryuunosuke.
He lets out a sigh. “Atsushi. Atsushi Nakajima.” He says like he’s trying to commit the name to memory.
Gin gives him a smile. That’s better.
“I’ve arranged to meet him in Yamashita Park soon. With the intent to carry out Executive Nakahara’s advice. To tell the were- Atsushi, that I have developed some…” Akutagawa stops himself, not sure how to explain what type of things he’s feeling. Especially to someone like his sister. He knows he can trust her, but doesn’t make it any less embarrassing to admit.
“Feelings…” He says tentatively.
Gin gives him a blank look like she can’t quite figure out what to say to him. A tense moment passes before she breaks out laughing.
Akutagawa sighs and walks past his sister. “If you’re not going to help I’ll be on my way, Gin.”
She quickly stifles her laugh and reaches a hand to his shoulder to get him to wait. He begrudgingly obliges.
“Ryuu, sorry. It’s just that,” She pauses. “It’s just that I never thought I’d see the day where you’d be so flustered about something like this.”
He doesn’t meet her eyes, mostly out of embarrassment. They don’t usually talk about these types of things with each other, even when they have tea together on their day off. Needless to say, it’s an awkward moment between the siblings.
“I’m proud that you are facing your fears.” She gives him a reassuring smile. “But one piece of advice,”
He looks back up at her curiously.
“Don’t threaten to kill him, please?” Gin says. “Remember, we and the Agency have a tentative truce and you don’t need to scare him. Just take deep breaths and think before you speak.”
The older Akutagawa takes a deep breath as if to demonstrate that he will take the younger’s advice. Then he gives his sister a smile.
“Thank you, Gin,” He says honestly.
“Of course, and good luck, brother,” She smiles back. She takes her hand off of his shoulder and readjusts her mask. “Now, don’t you have a date to get to?” She asks coyly.
He rolls his eyes. “It’s not a date, but yes. I will see you later, Gin.”
Gin gives him a wave and watches as he exits the building, praying to whatever powers are listening that things will go smoothly.
***
Atsushi takes the phone off of his ear and looks at it strangely. Of all the calls he could have possibly anticipated getting that day, that one sure wasn’t it. Akutagawa practically never called him, much less called him to meet him somewhere. There was no way this couldn’t be a trap of some sort but in such a public place? It didn’t make sense. Yet the only way to make it make sense was to walk straight into such a trap.
“Are you ok, Atsushi?” comes a small voice, putting a halt to his thoughts.
“Oh, Kyouka!” He says practically jumping out of his skin. His roommate was as quiet as an assassin, which at one point she had been. “Uh, yeah? I guess,” He stammers out.
“That was Akutagawa,” Kyouka says without a trace of emotion. Also like an assassin, she was good at not letting her feelings get in the way of the facts. This only made Atsushi feel like their dorm room was slowly turning into an interrogation room.
“Yeah, it was.” He says, knowing there was no reason to lie to Kyouka. “He wants to meet me at Yamashita Park.”
Kyouka nods as she takes in the information. “Do you want me to go with you?” She asks. No one is allowed to hurt Atsushi if she’s around, Demon Snow would see to that.
It might be nice to have someone else there, it is Akutagawa… Atsushi thinks. He shakes the thought though, he is capable of defending himself and there’s the annoying thought of giving Akutagawa the benefit of doubt on this. He’s not sure where that thought is coming from.
“I’ll be ok, Kyouka, but thanks for the offer.” He says to her. She gives a nod in response, though he can tell she would have preferred to be his chaperone. “If I give you a call, you can come get me, ok?”
The petite girl nods again but doesn’t say anything else.
Atsushi gets up and puts his phone in his pocket. He gives Kyouka a smile and heads out the door.
***
A cool evening breeze makes its way through Yamashita Park. The sun had almost finished its descent and the sky is a beautiful mix of purples and oranges. It was an overall peaceful scene, but that did nothing for Akutagawa’s nerves.
Armed with not only Chuuya’s advice but also his sister’s, he felt more confident now than he did before, but it still didn’t feel like enough. The time Atsushi would be arriving was approaching quickly. Akutagawa had tried to come up with something to say to him when he first arrived. Something polite and nice, then he would say what he wanted to say. That was the basic plan.
“Akutagawa!” Someone yelled to him.
Without thinking, Akutagawa shouted out “Rashoumon!” activating his ability. His coat took on the form of a monstrous beast and sent out tendrils of fabric at the interloper. It stopped right before their neck before Akutagawa turned around.
Atsushi jumped back in surprise. “Akutagawa!” He yelled again, more angry this time.
The dark-haired boy’s eyes grew wide as he realized what he was doing. He called back his ability, embarrassment was plainly evident on his face.
“I should have known you’re were planning to kill me,” Atsushi muttered as he regained his footing. “Anyways, did you actually have something you wanted to tell me or was this just some sort of trap?” The silver-haired boy asked.
Akutagawa cleared his throat as he regained his thoughts. Stay calm, he told himself, firstly just thank him for all the trouble of coming out here then apologize.
“Thank you, Weretiger, I didn’t think you’d be naive enough to come at the call of one of your enemies,” Akutagawa said, then silently cursed himself. Calm down, take a deep breath, you can still save this. “I apologize. I tend to activate my ability on instinct instead of taking in the situation.”
Atsushi looked visibly surprised that Akutagawa actually apologized to him. With a polite smile, he said “I understand. I’d probably do the same thing if I was taken by surprise too.”
It was then Akutagawa’s turn to be surprised. His face felt hot again. He turned to the side pretending to stifle one of his coughing attacks. He then looked back at Atsushi.
“There was something I wanted to talk to you about,” Akutagawa said nervously. He thought it was probably better to say it and get it over with sooner rather than later. Anything to get these pesky feelings to go away.
Atsushi didn’t say anything but gave a look to the dark-haired boy to continue. But such a look just made poor Akutagawa’s heartbeat even faster.
He takes a deep breath.
Just say it!
“Atsushi Nakajima.” He said. It wasn’t often that he used Atsushi’s full name, let alone his actual name and not a nickname. “Something has come up and messed up my entire schedule and I can’t think straight because of it.”
“Ok,” Atsushi said awkwardly, not understanding what anything about this has to do with him or why Akutagawa, his enemy, is telling him this. “Did you need my help or,”
Akutagawa held out a hand to tell Atsushi to wait until he was finished.
“I asked Executive Nakahara about this problem. He told me a story about the past then gave me advice on how to continue with the future,” Akutagawa explained. “He gave me two options: one, to run away and let it consume me for years to come; or two, to tell the person exactly what my feelings are towards them.”
Atsushi’s face turned red and felt his heartbeat rapidly in his chest. He was beginning to understand why the other called him out here.
“Nakahara advised that I should choose the latter.” Akutagawa finally said. “And I agreed.”
He took another deep breath, but his heart wasn’t letting him calm down.
“This is why I invited you here. To discuss these silly feelings that have been bothering me.”
“And, uh, what exactly are they, Akutagawa?” Atsushi nervously asked.
The dark-haired boy attempted to swallow down the embarrassment he felt. “The first is pure hatred.”
Atsushi froze like a tiger in the headlights. Of all the ways he thought this was going to go, this was not it. He opened his mouth to speak some harsh words to Akutagawa before he was cut off.
“And the other is the most pressing one.” Akutagawa continued, he looked to the ground not wanting to look at Atsushi’s face. “At first I couldn’t name it which only caused me to feel even more hatred.”
He paused.
“That feeling is,” He took one last deep breath, knowing that he’d need it. “Is love.”
Atsushi’s heart stopped dead in its tracks. He didn’t know what to say and based on how Akutagawa was pointedly not looking at him, neither did he.
It became a moment that was dislodged in time. It seemed to take forever but that would also be over in an instant.
Soon Atsushi’s heart reclaimed a much faster pace than it had before. He thought about all that he and Akutagawa had been through together. He knows that hate well. He thought he’d never be able to get along with the boy no matter how many times Dazai paired them up together. Akutagawa was always rushing in without a plan, relying on his ability, and killing without remorse. But when the fighting would pause and they would be able to talk, Atsushi saw a part of himself in Akutagawa. At the end of the day, the two were just kids who both had their childhood cruelly taken away from them. The two were just trying to find their place in this crazy world and to find their own unique reason to live.
And now that he thinks back on it, he realizes where that love came from too.
“Akutagawa, I,” Atsushi says, still at a loss for words.
Akutagawa looks up, preparing himself for the worse.
“I have those feelings too,” Atsushi says, taking his turn to look to the ground.
The dark-haired boy’s breathing catches awkwardly.
“I didn’t want them, but you can’t really run from them, they always catch up with you,” The silver-haired boy continues. He then lets out a small chuckle. “I didn’t think they’d catch up with me like this though,” He says as looks back up and locks eyes with Akutagawa.
Akutagawa gives a small smile in return.
Atsushi walks up closer to the boy cloaked in the long black jacket and takes one of his hands and holds it in his own.
“I’m glad they caught up though,” He says quietly as he places a chaste kiss on Akutagawa’s hand.
Akutagawa blushes then looks at Atsushi with the most genuine smile.
The two then walk together hand and hand through the park knowing exactly what type of feeling they experience that night.
Happiness.