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“You look nice.” He gives his mother a warm smile as she pats his chest twice, her fingers lingering on the fabric of his white jacket before she hesitantly pulls away, the look in her eyes indescribable, but he understands.
“It’s time.”
He pats, almost slaps at his face rapidly, the blood in his body rushing through his ears. It’s deafening, and it makes him more nervous than he was to begin with. “Shit” he swears and brushes a hand through his hair before jerking his head to the side, hand flying to his mouth so he can anxiously gnaw on his fingernails. “Shit!” He looks towards his two best friends, his closest: Jisung and Changbin. There are tears in his eyes, and a lump in his throat, yet he smiles. “I’m so fucking nervous.”
They don’t say much, and Chan appreciates it, really. “’Got this” it’s close to a whisper, but Changbin’s words reaches his ear. He’s not really sure if Changbin is confident with his choice of words, but he takes it anyways, glancing towards the door as they take their leave.
Although he shouldn’t, he peeks out into the main room as the door opens, and his heart flutters at the view. Felix standing down the hall, looking towards the door with a wide grin. Chan smiles back, warmly, but as soon as the door closes again, he laces his hands together nervously, rubbing at his left ring finger, anxiety creeping up his neck. He’s scared.
The bathroom door is open, has been the whole day, his whole entire stay in the dressing room. Nausea flares up in the pit of his stomach but leaves as soon as he looks away from the bathroom door. He’s thrown up three times already, and the time is running out. He needs to get himself ready.
“I’ll go check up on Felix parents.”
“Sure mom, I’ll be right there.”
He sprints to the bathroom nevertheless once his mother steps out of the room, his throat burning, whatever it is he gets out of his system acidic. He heaves a heavy sigh and groans loudly, brushing his teeth and washing his face quickly, frustrated. He is pale looking when he looks at himself in the mirror, pale looking and a little tired looking too maybe. He doesn’t really know, doesn’t really pay too much time to it because he doesn’t have too much time to prepare anymore.
He rubs at his ring finger again, before reaching out for the doorknob to the main room where his family will be, Felix’s family and the guests. Closing his eyes, he twists the door and walks out into the room, trying to forget about the uncomfortable twinge in his stomach when all eyes turn to look at him. He tries to smile at his family, at Felix’s family but it looks pained.
He ignores the rest, not because he doesn’t care about them or wants to be rude, he just has to get this over with, and then he can relax a little bit more. He walks slowly and controlled through the room, eyes briefly looking around the room. The building’s windows are huge, the yellow and pink layering of curtains colouring the room with soft and comfortable hues. Tables are covered with white, and there are flowers everywhere, yellow chrysanthemums and roses. Yellow because Felix is very much the colour yellow; bold, bright, and happy. Yes, that’s the only reason, Chan thinks at least.
Once he reaches the stage at the back of the room, he takes a quick glance at Felix and smiles weakly, looking down on the notes he has stacked up on a white podium. He clears his throat once, tapping the microphone stationed on said podium twice to check for the sound. All good.
He doesn’t remember much of the speech once he’s done with it, the words memorized and engraved so deeply inside his mind that they’re impossible to forget, yet hard to remember once spoken. All he remembers is keeping his eyes on Felix’s face, a small, warm smile playing on his lips. His eyes wet with tears. “It was never ‘till’ death do us part’ with us, it was to infinity and beyond, and I stand by that.” The sentence makes everyone in the room smile, and Chan can feel his heart heat up. He looks towards his friends, all six of them, and they all look so tremendously proud and touched by his speech. He looks towards Felix again, his face framed but ever so beautiful, and gives a curt nod before finally stepping off the stage.
He receives a lot of big, warm hugs as he walks through the room, and it helps on the nausea that seems to keep coming and going in waves. He excuses himself though, once everyone is greeted, and steps outside into the surprisingly green garden that looks over a whole horizon of colourful trees and wonderous mountains that looks over him from the distance. It’s a little cold he notices as he breathes smoke, but shrugs it off and stuffs his hands in his pockets. His heart feels as full as it feels empty; and he doesn’t really know whether he wants to laugh or cry.
The ceremony goes by with a blink although he doesn’t feel his best, and after most of the guests has taken their leave, he slumps back down into his designated chair. He leans back with a clenched jaw, pressing his nails against his teeth as he looks at his wedding band. A smile plays at his lips, but as soon as it does his eyes starts stinging with a fresh set of tears. Not wanting to cry, not now, he stands back up, clears his throat, and walks up to the glass door peeking into the garden. He doesn’t step out; he just watches as the sun slowly sinks.
“Mother.”
Chan turns around at the sound of Felix’s mother calling out for her own mother, Felix’s grandmother. She is walking towards him, and before he knows it, his feet is taking him towards her so he can spare her the pain of walking through the entirety of the room. She takes a hold of both his hands and looks up at him. Her old eyes crinkle as they meet Chan’s, but the smile doesn’t reach her eyes, not quite. Chan doesn’t blame her though because his own eyes carry the same look.
“I’m so sorry my love, I wish I could take that pain of yours away.”
They hug tightly, but once his tears threaten to spill over, he hesitantly pulls away so he can turn back around and look towards the garden, towards the mountains, the sun. He swears he can see Felix standing there, in the garden, right under the last bit of sun that hasn’t disappeared behind the mountains, in midst of the yellow gold.
But then the sun disappears, and Felix disappears too.
The disappointment and hurt makes Chan take a deep, visible breath, his lips trembling. “He knew how much you loved him, and he loved you just as much” says Felix’s grandmother from behind him. Chan doesn’t know where to look or what to do, fidgeting in his place, because his feelings are starting to get the best of him. It’s probably exactly what he needs, but he knows that if he starts now, he won’t be able to stop.
Felix’s grandmother reaches out to hold his hand, and he chokes on a sob, trying to remain his composure by straightening his back properly and raising his chin, but the attempt is futile when her soft voice speaks to him once more.
“He told me so last night, in my dream.”