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There's something somewhat relaxing in the idea of going home after a long day at school and walking past empty corridors as the late afternoon sun seeps in through the cracks of the windows. It's peaceful, Taichi muses, being wrapped up in the comfortable silence of his own presence.
He sighs, tired. For all the peace in both the Real and Digital World, he feels himself becoming more and more restless these past few weeks.
Everything's changed. Or maybe it was him who changed. Everyone else is moving on with their lives while he stays rooted in the same place, unsure of what to do next.
It's at times like these the most where he wishes he didn't grow up at all. Fighting evil Digimon that wanted to kill them felt so much easier than dealing with all these complicated emotions. Being lost in the Digital World sounded so much better than being lost in his own, dark thoughts. Wandering mindlessly in an unknown world and seeking shelter every night sounded a lot better than wandering here in the Real World and not knowing what to do afterwards.
It's at those moments where he wishes he stayed as a kid forever, when life was carefree, and peaceful, and simple. Well, as simple as life can be for a Digidestined, that is. Still, being in the Digital World felt so much better than being here.
He turns around the corner, striding past the empty hallway. Familiar voices suddenly rang in the air, and he hesitantly looks up, immediately being greeted by the sight of Yamato and Sora, walking together, hand-in-hand with smiles on their faces.
His heart dropped.
Is that what it's like to be loved by the person you love?
Memories of late-night musings in his bedroom ran through his mind. He vaguely remembers lying in the cold silence, thinking of what it would be like to have Yamato's hands on his instead of Sora's. He thinks of the way Yamato looks at Sora and wishes sometimes for the blonde to look at him like that, too.
It's not that he blames her. It's not her fault and Taichi knows that. And he's happy for them. He'll always be here watching from the back, supporting them, even if it hurts, even if it means pushing past his own heartbreak and smiling for them, no matter how tiring it gets sometimes.
He looks at the two, seeing how happy they both look. They were both happy with each other, so what right does he have to be in their way?
A cold wind passes by as laughter fills the silence. He looks at the pair. They were laughing to each other, eyes seemingly sparkling at each other's presence.
Is that all that he is for them - just a wind passing by, just a stranger walking by them?
He shook his head. No, that's not how they see you. Why are you even thinking that?
They're his friends. Of course, he knows they don't see him like that. But even then, why does it still hurt?
There was an uncomfortable feeling building up in his chest, like a heavy weight being pushed onto him. He gulped, throat suddenly feeling dry. He didn't want to be here anymore.
He hung his head and walked past them in the blink of an eye, not stopping even as he heard Yamato's voice calling out for him, even as his vision became blurry and a single tear fell down the side of his face.
When he finally came to his senses, it was only then that he realized he was going nowhere. He stopped in front of the gate of the school, bringing his hand up to his eyes to wipe at his tears.
It's lonely. It's so lonely, watching his friends move on with their lives while he stays rooted in one place. Like no matter how far he reaches for them, he'll never be able to reach far enough.
The harsh truth wraps itself around his heart, suffocating. Everyone is drifting away. Or rather, he's being left behind.
It wasn't that he's not happy for them. Of course, he is. They're his friends, and he's glad that they're all following their dreams. But still, the question makes itself known to him: what about him?
What about him?
Is this it? Is this his purpose in the Real World? To just watch from the sidelines? To be the support that everyone needs? Is that all that he's here for - to merely watch as the world around him moves?
If he was being honest with himself, being in the Digital World felt like his only true purpose to be here, to be alive. Despite the endless danger that comes with facing evil Digimons, there's a strange sort of satisfaction at the end of the battle, at every victory they had, almost like a validation that what they were doing was right - at what he was doing was right. There, he knew who he was - a leader, a companion, a Digidestined, and the bearer of the Crest of Courage.
But here in the Real World, that wasn't who he is. Here, he feels like he has no real purpose other than to watch from the shadows and smile if his friends needed it, like he's just an empty shell of the person he is when he's in the Digital World.
"Taichi."
He freezes.
"Taichi, look at me."
He turns around hesitantly and there, right in front of him, stood Yamato. Brown eyes met blue ones, and past the anger that resided in them, Taichi thought the blonde looked concerned.
He looks away. "What do you want?"
"What I want is for you to tell me what's wrong."
The lie slips past his dry lips easily. "Nothing's wrong."
Yamato glares at him. "Don't lie to me! Why have you been avoiding us?"
Taichi flinches as the events of the other day comes rushing back to him. He remembers how he saw his friends eating lunch together with smiles on their faces, remembers the sudden feeling of sadness that swept through him as he watched them laugh to each other without him. He remembers walking away without a word, walking off to nowhere much like what he'd done just moments ago, trying to convince himself that it wasn't like that, that this friends didn't hate him.
Most of all, he remembers the feeling of loneliness.
"I-I'm not avoiding you..." he says, still refusing to meet Yamato's eyes.
The blonde scowls at him and grabs him by the shoulders, pushing him onto a wall. Taichi hesitantly looks at the other. "I said don't lie to me!"
"What do you want me to say...?" He mumbles, this time meeting the taller's eyes.
He expected Yamato to shout at him again, so he was surprised when the other's gaze softened. "Tell me what's bothering you. We're here for you, you know," he reassures softly.
Maybe it was from the way he said it, or maybe it's because he was genuinely worried, or maybe it's from all the bottled-up emotions, Taichi couldn't tell either, but at that moment tears pricked at the corner of his eyes.
"I don't know," he answers, voice thick with unshed tears. He swallows past the lump in throat, and continues on shakily, "I don't know why I'm feeling this way, either."
Yamato's eyes are wide as he watches the other boy break in front of him, piece by piece. "Taichi..."
And that one word, that one utter of his name, was all it took for the tears to come flowing down his face.
Yamato just wordlessly gathers Taichi in his arms, letting the other cry in his chest. He wraps his arms around Taichi, holding onto him tightly, as if to keep him from breaking apart completely.
"It's okay," he whispers, his hold onto Taichi never faltering. "It's okay."
It wasn't okay. Everything was far from okay.
Still, he lets himself be held by the person he knows will never love him the ways he wants. He simply buries his face even more in Yamato's chest and sobs, for all the loneliness, for all the heartbreak, and for all the carefree life he can never return to. In that empty hallway, away from anyone else's sight, he cries all the things he wants to say but can't. He cries for all the unsaid feelings he's been keeping caged deep in his heart.
He cries until he feels like he has no more tears left.
Eventually, he slumps towards Yamato, letting his arms fall slack on his sides. As he lay there, listening to the blonde's heartbeat, Yamato wraps his arms around him, and for a moment Taichi basks in the warm embrace. Slowly, Yamato reaches out to run his hand through the other's hair, stroking gently.
Taichi sighs contentedly, eyes fluttering close. Is this what it's like to be loved by the person you love?
He knows Yamato doesn't feel that way towards him, but in that brief moment between them, it surely does feel like that. Or at least, he pretends that it was like that, even for just a few moments, even if he knows deep down that it wasn't real.
"Taichi."
"Hmm?"
Yamato looks down at him, his hold on the other loosening but not completely letting go. Taichi meets his concerned gaze. "What I said earlier, that we're here for you. You know that's true, right? We'll always be here. I'll always be here."
Yamato smiles at him, and for a moment Taichi wants to say it. He wants to just cry and say everything he's been thinking about for the past few weeks. But he stops himself, lips drawn together tightly. Because how can he possibly say to his best friend that he's in love with him? That he feels like he's drifting away from their friend group? That he feels like he's not needed anymore by any of them? That he doesn't know what to do for his future? That he feels like he has no real purpose to stay here?
How could he possibly say any of that?
So he just swallows past the lump in his throat and nods, and once again he feels Yamato's tight embrace on him as the blonde pulls him closer again. He takes in a shaky breath and closes his eyes, knowing deep down that this wouldn't be the last time he'll be crying like this, except the next time, he knows he'll be alone.
For now, at least, he could pretend that everything will be okay after this.
(Even if he knows that it was a lie.)