Archive of Our Own

“Babe, come here,” Alysha says, with a giggle.

Isaac half-heartedly protests, smiling, but leans in closer to get into frame and smiles. She beams at the camera, years of practice in it, and her phone takes the photo.

She looks at the result on her phone. “Oh, that’s fire. I’m putting that up right away.”

He laughs. “Gotta get that engagement, innit?”

“That’s an awfully big word, Isaac,” Alysha teases, tossing her dark curls over her shoulder.

He scoffs. She grins. “You look super cute in this pic though. I love your smile.”

He can’t help smiling at this, and turns to kiss her cheek, making her squeal in surprise and delight.

They’re at brunch – which is wild, apparently people have been out here having ‘breakfast drinks’ at 10 am on a Sunday and eating pancakes in cute little cafes with outdoor gardens, and it’s definitely some white people shit but he’s gotta admit he wishes he’d known about it earlier, but apparently he needed to get an influencer-model girlfriend first – and he’s enjoying some of his rare time off with Alysha. They’ve sort of been dating, but casually, for a few months – but they’ve only decided to just see each other in the last-just-under-two-months, though, after he texted her the day after the Man City match. Not that he’s really been hooking up with anyone else, anyway, but he’s just been so busy they weren’t seeing each other that much, and she was busy with her modelling gigs and traveling. She might have been seeing other guys, but he’s not going to ask her about that. But he likes her – obviously, when they’d met at a club, he’d thought she was real fit, but she’s cool too. And funny, and nice, and he likes hanging out with her. He likes being able to call her his girlfriend.

“Do you want to look at those markets after this? They seem super cute,” Alysha asks. She didn’t have pancakes – but she finishes off her avocado on sourdough daintily and seems to be loving it. He wouldn’t know, the only time he’s heard of sourdough is when Zoreaux was talking about experimenting with something called a ‘sourdough starter’.  

He nods. “Sure,” he agrees. Not that he really understands why you’d want to mill about a bunch of stalls and haggle about like, organic vegetables, or whatever, but he’s not totally against it. He had a really good hot pretzel at this market one time.

She smiles, showing her dimples. “Awesome.”

Arm in arm, they wander around the market. A few people recognise him, but today no one seems to be giving him shit. They’re doing a lot better than the F.A cup, he guesses. One or two stallholders actually say they’re excited to have him in their stall and give him some free samples, which is nice. He buys a fancy candle that Alysha likes for her, and she seems thrilled even though it’s not like it’s diamond-studded or anything. Although it is ridiculously overpriced, for what he thinks a candle should be.

She looks at him and smiles, huddles closer to him. He thinks about her, and what it’d be like to do this all the time. She’s the sort of girl who you want to lock down – they have fun together, she’s nice and way smarter than him, and her smile drives him nuts. And he kind of likes how people look at them together – like they’re right for each other, two hot young people who are clearly into each other. And though he wouldn’t admit it to Letty on pain of death – you don’t grow up with three women and no dad and not learn to respect women at an early age, especially when you have a sister like Letty and a Mum like theirs – he likes that other guys look jealous of him sometimes, because he’s got such a gorgeous girlfriend. Her hair, her curves, her soft skin, around the same colour as his but hers has a glow to it like she’s lit from the inside. They could get married – not that he’d say this to Alysha, he’s not insane – and it’d be great, probably. They could do these kinds of couple-y things all the time, and they could move in together, and get a dog, and later – much later – have some kids running around. That would be cool.

He shakes his head slightly. He’s being mad. Calm down, bruv, before you ask her to move in or something.

She smiles at him, questioning. God she’s got a nice smile. Straight teeth too, no gaps. Although she says she thinks his gap is very cute. “What is it?”

“Nothing, babe,” he says, smiling back.

“Alright, be mysterious,” she says, with a mischievous grin.

The weather is nice today, too. It’s kind of sunny but not too hot, just cool enough for a jacket but not cold. Kind of the perfect day to be out at a market with your beautiful girlfriend.

Which is why he’s not prepared at all when he spots someone walking in the opposite direction to them, too close for him to bail into a stall in a way that won’t alert them.

Before he realises what he’s doing, more out of habit than anything, he calls out. “Hey, mate!”

Colin looks away from the tall guy he’s with – that Isaac’s definitely never met – and sees him and his eyes go momentarily wide. Whatever. It’s fine. It’s not weird to see your best friend by chance when you’re with your girlfriend, and he’s with some friend of his you’ve never met. Some friend he was smiling at lot just before. But y’know, he’s a smiley guy once you get to know him. It’s not weird.

“Isaac, hey!” he calls back, smiling but his eyes are nervous.

Probably because they can’t pretend they haven’t seen them now, Colin and his friend come to a stop facing them. There’s a moment of politely-smiling silence, and then Alysha says, “Hey, you’re friends with Isaac, right? On the team? I think we met once or twice.”

He looks surprised at this, but nods. “Uh yeah, right. I remember that now,” he says lightly. Isaac recognises his uncomfortable body language, tensing, fight-or-flight stance. He’s seen in games when they’re getting destroyed by the other team. He looks at Isaac, and there’s almost something – apologetic? Anxious? Angry? He can’t tell exactly – in his eyes. “You just here for the markets?”

Isaac nods. Alysha smiles. “Have to drag this one out to do couple things, but he’s actually having a good time at this ‘white people nonsense’.”

Colin smiles, but again it doesn’t quite reach his eyes. “Yeah, you have to push him out of his comfort zone sometimes, but it’s worth it.”

Alysha laughs. “Exactly!”

Isaac’s mouth finally catches up. “You remember Alysha, then, bruv? My girl?” he says, because he feels like he should introduce her.

Something definitely falls in Colin’s eyes, but he keeps smiling, or half-smiling. It hurts, unexpectedly. Colin doesn’t look at him, just her. “Yeah, how could I forget?” he says, smiling at her. She beams back. Isaac wishes this moment was over already, or that it had never happened.

“Since when do you go to markets?” he blurts out, half-grinning like an idiot. It’s been in his head since he saw Colin here. They don’t do this sort of thing on their weekends, usually. But he has an excuse, he’s on a date. Colin looks pretty nice though, given his general dress sense, for hanging out a market with a friend.

Colin looks a little taken aback but keeps a very small smile. “Since now. We thought it might be kind of fun to walk around and look at shit. Y’know. Market stuff.”

We thought. He still doesn’t know who this guy is. He’s tall, and maybe handsome – if you’re into that kind of tall white guy in an indie band kind of thing, which is irrelevant probably – and he’s got a lot of tattoos on his arms, but they’re skinny. Not that skinny, to be fair, but he’s not exactly jacked. And his hair is stupid, it’s totally pretentious. And his smile is too perfect, how are you going to trust a guy with teeth that straight? And his whole look is so, ooh I have a leather jacket and I probably own a motorbike. And motorbikes are dangerous, and Colin certainly shouldn’t be allowed near one.

Colin notices him looking at the guy, and seems to remember something. “Right, sorry, this is Callum, my –“ he says, faltering for a tenth of second.

Callum smiles at Colin, a private kind of smile that makes Isaac want to punch him in his perfect teeth; and interjects. “New friend. I’m a bartender.” Oh and he has an accent too, of course. Fucking Australians. Too many Australians in London.

“Callum, Isaac. Isaac’s my best friend, and the team captain,” Colin introduces him, in a way that should feel nice but just feels like his stomach is twisting around.

“Oh, very cool,” Callum says, smiling at him. “You guys must be like, brothers in arms. Colin and I are just two kebab aficionados.”

Colin smiles, the most real smile since they started talking. “Yeah, we’re sampling the food here. Seeing if the kebabs are better than my guy down the road.”

Callum grins. “At least they’ll have chicken.”

Colin grins back, and their little inside joke is infuriating. Colin’s his best friend, they should be having inside jokes. Not this easy-going, too handsome, Australian backpacker bartender fuck.

“That sounds delicious! If you’re looking, there’s one around there that changed my life,” Alysha gushes. “I’m not strictly supposed to eat kebabs, but hey it was a cheat day and I’d had a shit day at a shoot, and it was just so good.”

“Oh cool, you’ll have to tell us where it is,” Callum says, interestedly. “So you’re an actress?”

“Model, actually, but I’d love to get into acting –“

“You totally should, your skin is amazing, and I mean that in the least creepy way possible but you’ve gotta tell me your moisturiser – “

He hears Alysha laugh delightedly next to him, and he looks at Colin. “Since when do you have friends outside of work?”

Colin looks more annoyed again, not smiling for the first time. Maybe because Alysha and Callum are now engrossed in their own conversation. “You don’t know my whole life. I have non-football friends.”

Isaac looks at him sceptically. “No you don’t. We don’t have time for it.”

Colin’s eyes flash with something angry. “Clearly, you do.”

Isaac frowns. “So do you.” He makes a dismissive noise, and lowers his voice. “With this guy?”

Colin narrows his eyes. “You of all people don’t get to do this. And he’s a great friend. Better than you right now,” he hisses.

They stand in awkward silence for a moment.

“Callum, we should probably get on,” Colin says, with forced lightness. “Enjoy the rest of your day though. Nice to meet you again, Alysha.”

She smiles at him. “Yeah, it was. And lovely to meet you, Callum. Maybe we can all catch up again sometime?”

“That would be awesome,” Callum says. “See you around.”

He watches them leave, and Alysha turns back to him, smiling happily. “I liked them. What are the chances we’d run into each other here?”

“Yeah, crazy,” he grunts.

She looks at him, curiously. “You ok?”

“Yeah, I’m fine,” he says shortly. “Bit tired though. Can we go home?”

***

At home though, he can’t focus. He and Alysha are supposedly watching something on Netflix, but she’s lying back across his chest, on her phone, and he’s not concentrating because he keeps thinking about the markets.

He loves his job, and he’d never want to do anything else. But one of the downsides is that it demands a lot of commitment and time – there’s a reason all his closest friends work with him. They spend all their time together, and they don’t have a lot of time to make friends in their spare time outside of work. But suddenly Colin’s got some random Australian friend he has inside jokes with, and visits markets with? On a Sunday morning?

Doesn’t make any sense.

“It was kind of fun seeing your friend today,” Alysha says lightly, still looking at her phone.

“Yeah,” he says, only half listening.

“Maybe we could double some time, I liked talking to Callum,” she continues.

“What?” he says, snapping back to reality. “Double?”

“Double date, you know?” she says.

“What?” he repeats. “Why would they double date with us?”

She sits up to look at him. “Oh – I didn’t mean to say anything weird. I don’t know Colin’s deal, I just was getting some pretty romantic vibes from them. Is he not gay? Or bi, I guess. I shouldn’t assume just because he was with a guy.”

He frowns at her. “How – how am I supposed to know? That’s private, innit?”

Alysha raised a well-sculpted eyebrow, frowning. “I mean, he’s your best friend. Seems like an important thing to know.”

He frowns. “It’s not my business what he does in his spare time.”

Alysha gives him a look. “You wouldn’t have a problem with it, though, right?”

He shakes his head. “It ain’t even like that, Leesh. I don’t have a problem with it.”

“Good, because I don’t fuck with bigots,” she says, relaxing. “There aren’t that many out players in your league though, right? Maybe that’s why he hasn’t told you.”

He frowns. “There aren’t any. Can’t imagine the shit they’d cop.”

She nods, pouting. “That’s so sad. Maybe you can find a way to tell him you’d be cool with it, without directly mentioning it.”

“Yeah, maybe,” he says, looking at the TV.

They’re quiet for a few minutes. “Who does that Aussie think he’s kidding with the tats tho, innit?” he bursts out.

Alysha chuckles, surprised. “You don’t like him? I thought he was very nice to me.”

“He seemed pretentious,” Isaac grumbles.

“Well, your friend seems to like him a lot, so maybe you’ll just have to try and like him more,” Alysha advises primly.

He groans and tries to focus on the TV.

***

Later that night, after Alysha leaves, he hears a knock on his door. He frowns, hoping it’s not her. Not that he’s like, mad at her. They just spent a lot of time together this weekend, and he’s kind of worn out, and would like some alone time.

But when he opens the door all those plans go out the window. Letty is standing there in leggings and her University of Birmingham hoodie, her braids up in a messy ponytail, backpack on her shoulders. When she sees him she starts crying and he immediately goes to hug her.

“What happened, Lets?” he asks, quietly. “Who do I gotta fuck up?”

She shakes her head. “No-one, I just – I missed you.”

“Aw,” he says, still worried. “Come in, it’s cold.”

She nods and follows him inside.

“So, you gonna tell me what’s goin’ on?”

Her eyes fill with tears again, and she wipes. “I – I had a really bad fight with Yuko. Like, we might break up, I don’t know.” She sniffs. “And I just – a few of my friends know about us, but I didn’t want to see them. You’re the only person who knows here. And you were the only person I wanted to see, and so I just jumped on a train up here.” She sighs. “And I’m realising now that was totally unfair on you, you’re probably doing something tonight. Or you’ve got work things. God, I’m sorry, Is –“

“Hey, hey,” he says, putting a hand on her arm. “I’m not. Totally free. I’ve got long days next week, but you’re welcome to stay as long as you want.”

“Really?” she asks. “Aw, you’re the best, Is. If I stay with Mum, I’d have to explain everything, and I couldn’t bear it.”

He shakes his head. “No way. You stay with me.”

She smiles at him gratefully and throws her arms around him. “God, I miss you.”

“Miss you too,” he says, honestly, over her shoulder.

***

“So, she was just getting really frustrated that I never invited her down to London to meet you guys,” Letty says miserably. “And we got into this huge fight, and she said she thought I was embarrassed of her.” She takes a sip of her gin and tonic, which he’d made for her. He’d been surprised to find he even had tonic water.

“And you’re not, right?” he asks, taking a sip of his own. It’s not his usual drink, but it’s not bad. Kind of dry.

She frowns. “Of course not! She’s amazing. And a bunch of our friends back home know about us, and it’s fine.”

“But?” Isaac prompts.

She looks at him and sighs, looking sorry and sad. “I just – if she starts meeting you guys that’s a big deal, you know?”

“I guess,” he says. “But I’d be happy to meet her, Lets.”

“Thanks,” Letty says softly, and takes another drink. She looks down.

“I think even Joe and Lilah would get it, Lets. They might be surprised for a moment, but I don’t think they’d have a problem, innit?” he tries.

She looks up at him. “No, I don’t think so. But it’s – fragile, something like this. It’s easy to be us at home, in a city where the only people I know are people I’ve meet in the last few years…” she chews on her lip uncomfortably. “I really like Yuko, I might even…” she starts, and trails off again. Maybe the thought is too hard to finish. He can understand that. She sighs. “But, once I introduce her to you guys, I can’t put it back.” She sniffles. “It’ll be…”

“Too real?” he asks.

She lets out a sob. “I really am an arsehole, Is!”

He puts his arm around her. “Hey, shush. You’re not an arsehole. Nowhere near it, and I’d know because I play football for a living.”

She coughs a weak laugh. She looks at him. “But like, I want to be with her, Isaac. Why am I afraid of it being real here?”

He thinks. “Maybe,” he starts quietly. “Cause it would mean you’d eventually have to tell Mum. And you don’t know what she’d say.” This hurts to think about, suddenly.

Letty sniffs. “Yeah.” She’s quiet for a moment, taking another drink. “It’s like,” she starts, unsteadily. “I know she loves me. I know she’s not a hateful person. But do I know she’d react well to it? No, I don’t. And that’s really scary, Is,” she says, and starts crying again. He puts his arms around her and pulls her into a hug. His eyes are prickling too.

He waits a moment to say something. “I don’t know what Mum’ll say. I hope we’re just – worrying over nothing,” he starts, and Letty sniffs. “But if you wanna tell her, I’ll be there for you. Whatever I’m doing.” He thinks. “Unless I’m actually in a match. Might be a bit hard to get away, innit?”

Letty chuckles wetly. “Thanks, Isaac. I promise I won’t come out to Mum during any of your matches.” She suddenly throws her arms around him again. “Thanks,” she says shakily. “You don’t know what it means to be able to hear that from someone I love.”

He sniffs. “Eh, it’s fine.” He looks at her. “You’re my sister. We’re in this together, awright?”

She smiles at him, wiping her eyes. She sighs again. “I’m so sorry to just turn up on your doorstep and cry and ruin your night. You’re really too nice to me.”

He shakes his head. “My night hasn’t been ruined, it’s been made, because I got to see you.” He pauses. “I was kind of in a weird mood before, and I think what I wanted was to talk you, but I didn’t know it, eh?”

She looks at him, surprised. “Oh yeah? Why?”

He pauses again. “I – I don’t know. Had a good morning with Alysha, went to the markets, ran into Colin.”

“Aw, Colin,” Letty says, smiling affectionately. “I never see him with you anymore when I’m down. How’s he doing?”

“Fine,” he says, automatically. He frowns slightly. “He’s got this new…friend, who has this stupid accent, and these tattoos, and they’ve got stupid inside jokes. And they apparently go to markets together, innit?”

Letty looks curious. “They’re going to weekend markets together?”

“I know!” he says. “Weird, man.”

Letty nods, with a hard-to-read expression. She smiles a little. “Are you maybe a little jealous?” She pauses. “Is that why you were in a bad mood?”

He frowns. “Hey, don’t make fun of me! I listened to all your stuff about Yuko.”

Letty nods, apologetically. “Sorry, you’re right. Go on.”

He shrugs. “Don’t have nothing else to say.”

She watches him and shrugs. “Fair enough.” She finishes her drink and lies back against the couch. “Well, if you’ll allow it, I might keep moping.”

He half-smiles. “Allow it,” he says in a deep voice.

She smiles at him, picking up the reference. It was one of their favourite movies as young teens, seemed made exactly for them – two young black teens from South London. Although they weren’t exactly in gangs or anything, but he liked that the movie didn’t demonise them for their situation.

Her eyes look nostalgic, and her smile fades a little. “I know I just said all this shit about being afraid of it being real here, but like, you know when you meet someone and you just get them?” she starts, and pauses. “That’s her. I – “ she says, and doesn’t make any sound for a moment. “I love her. I fucking love her, and she’s my best friend, and I don’t know what I’ll do if we break up,” she says, swallowing a sob. “Or if I have to see her with someone else. That’s not fair though, is it?”

Fuck, he thinks, and the thought pierces a large tear down the side of whatever mental bag he’s been keeping his feelings about today – not just today, all of it – in.

“Hey, hey, oh my God,” Letty says, sitting up and putting an arm around him. “Isaac, what is it?”

He finds himself crying into her shoulder, embarrassingly. Or it would be embarrassing if it was someone other than Letty.

He sits up and gets ahold of himself, wiping his eyes. Well, now he’s feeling a bit embarrassed, but not nearly as much as if this had happened around anyone else.

She looks at him, very worried. “What was it?” she says, comfortingly.

“Nothing,” he lies.

She looks at him, not convinced. “Come on, Is. You’ve been very kind to me, but I don’t think you were just that upset that I might breakup with my girlfriend.”

He looks away. “It’s fine.”

“It’s not,” she says, empathetically. “Did you have a fight with Alysha? Was that why you felt bad earlier?”

He just looks down and drains the rest of his drink.

She puts a hand on his knee. “Is. We don’t lie to each other, man.”  

He sniffs and takes a deep breath. “You’re about to find this fucking hilarious, Lets,” he says, miserably. He opens his mouth, wondering if he’s really going to say it. Once it’s out, it won’t just be something he can put in the back of his mind, forget about. Try to forget about. “I slept with Colin,” he says, quietly.

Letty looks floored. “What?” she says, not unkindly but clearly not because she didn’t hear him. He’s not surprised that she’s stunned by the news. It took him by surprise too.

“I fucked my best friend,” he says louder, frowning. “Because I’m a fucking idiot, innit?”

Letty’s reaction seems to have stopped buffering. “You’re not a fucking idiot, for one,” she says, automatically. “And, not judging, but recently? While you been with Alysha?”

He shakes his head. “No, no, I wouldn’t do that.” He sniffs. “Months ago. Before I hooked up with her.”

“Ok,” Letty says, calmly. “How did…how did that happen?”

He sighs deeply, again. “It was – you remember the night we got relegated?”

“Yeah,” she says, sadly. “I really thought you had it.”

He nods. The memory still hurts. “We were all drinking the pain away, and he stayed with me to last call. And then I invited him back to mine for beers and videogames, and I just…didn’t want to be alone that night, innit?” he says, and sniffs again. His emotions still feel uncomfortably close to the surface. He swallows. “We were drunk, and it just kinda…happened.”

“I see,” Letty says, sympathetically. “So, it was just a kind of a one-time sad drunk hookup situation?” she says and breathes out. “Been there.”

“Well…” he amends because he may as well tell her everything at this point. It’s been weirdly good to tell anyone about it.

Letty gasps. “No!”

He nods. “I went over to his, to tell him it was a drunk mistake, and we got into a fight about it, and then it just…happened again. We weren’t even drunk that time, innit?” He groans. “Fuck, I’m embarrassed.”

“Don’t be!” Letty protests. “Was there anything after that?”

He shakes his head.

Letty is quiet, thinking. “Did you like it?”

He groans, regretting this whole conversation. “Letty!”

She puts her hands up defensively. “Hey, I didn’t say give me the gory details, you’re still my brother. But, just generally, you didn’t hate it?”

He looks around awkwardly. “No,” he mumbles. He sighs. “It was really good, actually.” He thinks. “Well, the first time’s a bit fuzzy, but I think it was good. Second time was…” he breathes out. “Yeah.”

Letty puts a comforting hand on his knee. “So, have you…talked about it?”

He chokes out a weak laugh. “Talked about it? Fuck no.”

“So, who stopped it, then?” she asks.

He looks away. “I – I told him that we shouldn’t do it again. Because of the team.”

Letty groans. “Isaac! Why?”

He looks at her, frowning. “Because I’m the captain! And it’s important that we work well together, innit!” he says, frustrated. “It’s a professional team, people’s money relies on us working together as a team, and we can’t do that if there’s secret dramas going on that the rest of the team doesn’t know about.”

Letty nods. “I get that.” She looks at him, in this way she has since they were kids. It always makes him feel like she’s x-raying him for the truth, and she’s almost never wrong. “And it makes sense. But I know you enough to think maybe that’s a convenient excuse to not have to deal with it. Remember the lunches?”

He groans again. “Why are you bringing up the lunches, man? That’s ancient history.”

She gives him a look. “You didn’t like the peanut butter and brown bread sandwiches Mum used to make for lunch, but you’d eat a bit and then leave them in your lunchbox instead of throwing them out, and by the time you’d gotten home you’d forget to deal with them and you’d be building up a collection of Tupperware with old sandwiches in your bag until Mum would realise and make you clean them out.”

He frowns at her. “I remember. What’s your point?”

She looks at him caringly and takes his hand. “My point is I know you often avoid and forget about things you don’t want to deal with. But just like with cleaning your lunchboxes out, it feels better when you do.”

He sighs. “So…where do I start?”

She squeezes his hand. “Well, I’d start with what upset you earlier.”

He holds onto her hand. “Ok,” he says, purposefully, thinking. “I don’t know, but I think – I think it was something you were saying about Yuko being your best friend, and the idea of losing her. Or – seeing her with someone else,” he says, taking a breath as he feels the emotion of that hit him again, but less strong, like an aftershock. “I really was having a good day today, y’know Lets, it was really nice. Alysha and I were having a nice kind of brunch thing, and we were walking round the markets, and I felt good with her.” He pauses, looking down at the couch. “I just wasn’t expecting to run into Colin. I mean, we’re good, mostly. No drama. But he’s just like, hanging out with this tall, handsome guy, and the way they looked at each other – “ he stops, frowning. “And I didn’t – like it, but I only realised why when Alysha said later that they might be a couple. Just the whole thing ruined the rest of my day, innit?”

He doesn’t usually talk this much, it’s kind of exhausting. But if he’s going to talk to anyone, he’s glad it’s Letty.

She looks at him, empathetically. “Maybe because…you hadn’t considered the thought of him dating anyone else.”

“Yeah?” he says, interested. He thinks about it and nods slowly. “I guess, yeah.” He pauses again, chewing his lip thoughtfully. “He never talked to me about it. I guess I always wondered a bit, yeah, because he never had girlfriends as much as us. Guys would joke about him not getting laid, and he’d seem offended, I guess I just… assumed. Until that night.”

He sniffs. “I didn’t know how he felt, or if it was – if it was something he’d never done, or something he did a lot. I didn’t really think about it, all I knew was we couldn’t keep doing it together, yeah?”

“Isaac, darling, I say this with all love and affection,” Letty starts, and Isaac braces. “But did you think of asking him?”

He half-laughs. “Nope. I just didn’t – I couldn’t –“

“You were trying to put the toothpaste back in the tube.”

He raises an eyebrow. “You what?”

Letty grins, and then it falls slightly. “It’s like – me actually doing something about my crush on Yuko, the first time we kissed when we got drinks together,” she starts, and looks down. He puts a comforting hand on her arm. “There was a moment, where I panicked. I mean, I knew I might be attracted to girls as well, but I didn’t think I’d ever act on it. And you go, ok that was a mistake, that wasn’t me, I’m going to compartmentalise this.”

She notices his confused look at the last words. “When you put things in mental boxes.”

He nods in understanding.

She looks at him. “That’s as useful as trying to put toothpaste back in the tube. It’s scary to learn new things about yourself sometimes, but you can’t pretend you don’t know.”

He sits with this for a moment. “Woah.”

Letty grins.

He looks at her. “Why am I mad that he’s got a new friend, or – boyfriend, or whatever, innit?” He pauses. “He’s my best friend. I want him to be happy, y’know?” He breathes out. “And it’s not like we can – “

Letty takes his hand, looking a little sad. “Well, only you know…but I think you have some unresolved feelings for him. I think you care about him a lot, and as much as you weren’t ready to deal with all of it, I think seeing him move on from you, maybe, was scarier.”

It hurts in his chest, where he’s pretty sure his heart is, to think about. But he’s also weirdly feeling a lot better, just being able to talk about it. It’s like when you do a workout, and it hurts but you get all the endorphins after. But it’s a workout for his heart. Emotionally. Whatever.

He swallows. “Maybe.” He frowns, a little. “I don’t get it. I’m not gay, though.”

Letty sighs. “Good Lord, Is, have you learned nothing from me the last few months? You don’t have to be anything. If it helps, you find the word that feels most right. The most important thing is that you like someone, and they’re a guy. Doesn’t mean you gotta do anything about it, or that you’ll ever necessarily have this experience again. But you should acknowledge it, to yourself.”

“Oh,” he says softly. “Yeah.” He looks at Letty gratefully. “Are you sure about your science thing –“

“Microbiology,” she corrects, smiling.

“ – Sure,” he agrees. “Because I think you’d make a fuckin’ amazing shrink, innit?”

She laughs, looking at him affectionately, though her eyes are still a bit sad. “Well, as you can tell from the fact I’m here and not in Birmingham with my girlfriend, I’m a lot better at giving other people advice and emotional honesty than I am with myself.”

He nods. “Well, thanks. It feels a lot better to be able to tell someone finally.”

She smiles. “Hey, anytime. I’m always here for you.”

“Back atcha, Lets,” he says, returning her smile.

They lie back against the couch, in a comfortable silence. “Hang on, if your thing happened at the end of your last football season, you totally knew about it when I told you about Yuko. You could’ve told me so much earlier!” Letty concludes, mock-annoyed.

He chuckles weakly. “I couldn’t! I could barely think about it.”

She pats his arm. “I’m just teasing.”

He thinks about it. “Honestly? You telling me that I think changed something. I started thinking maybe it wasn’t – so weird, innit?”

Letty looks at him softly. “Really? Aw.”

He smiles back at her. “Yeah. Sorry I didn’t tell you though. Wish I had.”

She shakes her head. “You’re telling me now, that’s fine.” She grins. “Honestly, I’m more annoyed you beat me to the punch and I didn’t even know it.”

He groans and finds himself laughing. She laughs too.

“What are you going to do now?” Letty asks after a moment.

He hasn’t considered this, so he shrugs. “I don’t know. Nothing?”

“Nothing?” Letty asks, curiously. Almost disappointed.

He sighs and looks up at the ceiling. “I mean, I have a girlfriend. And we’re good, y’know. I really like her. I’m crazy into her. We like…make sense, innit?”

“Sure.”

He swallows and finds himself continuing, quietly. “But even if I…” he starts. “Even if…that…it’s like what you said. He’s not waiting around for me.” He pauses. “Which is good, because it’d be totally fucking unfair for me to want him to do that.”

“True.”

“I’ve got a girlfriend, he’s got a…boyfriend, maybe,” he says, with some difficulty. “No reason to rake up the past.”

“Sometimes best to let it lie.”

He frowns. “And like, it’s not like I could tell anyone. I don’t – I don’t even know what this is. For me. I couldn’t fucking tell people if they asked. It’s not like there are any guys in the league dating guys openly. Or if there are, I don’t know of ‘em.” He pauses. “Let alone your own team member, innit?” He shakes his head. “It just ain’t done.”

“Not publicly, no,” Letty agrees.

He is quiet for a moment and turns his head to look at her. “You think I’m doing the wrong thing?”

She shakes her head. “No.” She pauses, like she’s thinking of what to say. “Everything you said was true. You do have a girlfriend, who is cool. And you do work in a historically homophobic field, and it requires you to be a public figure.” She sighs, looking at him. “It just…sucks.”

He looks back at her. “It does.”

He’s quiet. “Maybe that’s why you need to apologise to Yuko. Bring her down here. I’ll be with you to tell Mum.”

Letty suddenly looks anxious, but grateful. “You sure?”

He nods. “I fucked this up. Because I was afraid. And I don’t think I was wrong to be afraid, but I took the easy way out, and now I’ll probably never know what could’ve been.” He stares at her, seriously. “Don’t let your fear win. Don’t get in your head about it. Roy taught me that.”

Letty grins. “God, you have to let me meet him sometime. I loved him on the football panel show.”

Isaac laughs. “Maybe. I mean it though. Tell her.”

She smiles at him with deep affection. “You’re the best, you know that?” she says, and throws her arms around him.

“Only cause you are to me,” he replies, smiling into her shoulder.

***

At the locker room the next day, Isaac yawns. It’d been an emotionally good, but exhausting night and he hadn’t gotten much sleep.

“Long night?” Colin asks, coming up next to him.

Isaac nods. “Letty turned up on my door and had a crisis. We spent a long time talking.”

Colin looks worried. “Is she ok?”

Isaac smiles. “Yeah, just relationship stuff. Thanks, though.”

“Of course,” he says. “She’s like family.”

Maybe it’s that he’s still emotionally raw from last night, but this gets him right in his heart. “Colin,” he says, before Colin turns to go. “I’m sorry about yesterday.”

Colin turns back to him surprised.

He drops his voice so no one overhears. “He seems cool. Sorry for being a prick, innit?”

Colin grins. “We’re all good, boyo. Let’s get out on the pitch, eh?”

“Right behind you,” he says, feeling much better now.

He watches Colin briefly as he heads out of the locker room, then turns back to his locker and catches sight of his grinning face in the mirror, and realises he feels like his pulse has sped up.

Shit, he thinks. Letty might be right.

He sighs.

THE END.