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The air felt heavy. The stench of death lingered over the few intact buildings that still remained and over the rubble of the ones that didn’t. Looking for survivors felt like a fruitless endeavor but it was owed to each member of the Alliance to try. Every new zone they went to left the same stain of despair on each of them. No survivors, collect the dogtags, funerals to prepare.
“No life signs in the area, sir.” One of the privates behind him broke the reverent silence that had befallen the squad.
“No life signs doesn’t mean there isn’t anyone here, private.” Major Alenko didn’t even look back. “You know as well as I do that there could still be soldiers here and we need to bring them home.”
“Yes, sir.”
The rest of the squad filed around the Major and turned on the flashlights in their omni-tools. They searched under the piles of rubble and rebar, looking for bodies and, though they would never admit it, hoping the bodies would be military instead of civilian. One of the squad, a Private Jones, had found a woman and her child in the remains of a burnt out building in the last zone. Mostly charred, the bodies were contorted into a prayer position from the heat of a Reaper’s beams. Private Jones had crossed himself and prayed quietly for their souls under his breath. Lieutenant Commander Taylor, a woman who had always seemed one of the most stoic of the bunch, found her eyes welling up with tears upon seeing the pair. She had a daughter, she told the squad while she wiped her eyes. Her daughter had gone into hiding with her husband when Taylor was sent to Earth. She had not heard from them in quite some time.
It was demoralizing. Zone after zone, finding nothing but dead military and civilians. The squad was exhausted, Alenko knew that, but he couldn’t rest yet. As much as volunteering to lead this squad was an act of altruism, he couldn’t deny the kernel of selfishness at the center. He wanted to bring these people home and he wanted to honor the dead, of course. But he was looking for someone too. One particular soul who was MIA but he refused to count her out. He had wanted to ask her, to make her promise to be careful but he had known that wasn’t fair considering what was at stake. So he had let her go and hoped that she once again, beat the odds.
No survivors so far in this zone. Not surprising. They’d been at this for a day or two and had yet to find someone alive. Logically, he knew that it was unlikely he would find the Commander alive. Emotionally, he wasn’t ready to accept it. He switched on his own omni-tool’s flashlight and began searching through a not-yet-touched pile of rubble. Nothing. Again.
When he had volunteered to do this, he knew it would be bad. But seeing it up close, seeing how many people had been completely wiped off the face of the earth with no trace...imagining all the devastated families that would never know for sure what happened and would have to accept that Missing in Action was the best the Alliance could provide. His own included, he realized. In all of the chaos, he had pushed the concern he felt for his parents to the back of his mind. He had only brought it up once since this all began. His father was MIA and his mother was alone to pick up the pieces. So many families would feel this helplessness. Damn the Reapers.
“Major Alenko, sir?”
He didn’t even have to turn around to know what they wanted. “You can take a break. I’m going to keep searching.”
“Yes, sir.” And off they went.
The rest of the squad seemed to disappear into the mist. Silence again. He kept searching through the rubble on his own. He knew he wouldn’t find anything but that didn’t mean he could stop. Section by section, sector by sector. The Major intended to bring peace to anyone and everyone still on the ground in London. They didn’t deserve this kind of grizzly death. No one deserves this. He couldn’t help them before so he had to help them now.
“Kaidan.” A voice in the silence startled him.
Lieutenant Commander Taylor. She had what looked like a day’s worth of grime and sweat on her face, shining in the light of his flashlight, but behind that was concern. He recognized that look. It was the same look Admiral Hackett gave him when he volunteered to lead this squad and let it slip that he intended to find Shepard and bring her home.
“You of all people should understand why I can’t quit.” He turned back around, bringing his flashlight back to the piles of rubble that had been left unsearched.
“Alenko, you can’t will her to show up.” She was trying to keep her voice gentle for his benefit, but he sensed an edge behind it.
“She’s here somewhere. She wouldn’t leave me behind.”
He winced to himself as soon as the words left his mouth. It was one of the last things he had said to her before he watched her run off to save the galaxy or die trying. “Don’t leave me behind.” But she did. He had wanted so badly to follow. He would’ve followed Shepard anywhere, even into whatever was beyond Harbinger and that beam. The last thing he saw before the pain from his injuries overwhelmed him had been her face, stern but scared, shouting for him to go.
He could still remember Garrus half-dragging him to the medical bay while he looked back towards the airlock. His place was out there, on the ground, with her. He remembered the hot tears streaming down his face and mingling with the blood from his facial injuries. It wasn’t right. He had let himself be taken to the medbay for treatment but he had half-hoped when he woke up, Shepard would be by his side again. It was the second time he had to watch helplessly as she went to her death. Two times too many.
The first time, he had not even realized what he was seeing. She sent him away to load the crew into the escape pods while the Normandy burned around them. He hadn’t wanted to leave then either but Shepard had been right that the crew needed his help more than she did. The way she had told him so sternly to go…if he had known that was the last time they would speak…hell, he would’ve said something besides an affirmative before heading off.
Everyone who was on the Normandy SR-1 had regrouped back at Arcturus Station. Kaidan had volunteered to track the roster of those coming from the shuttles after being rescued from their pods and compare it to the ship’s personnel roster. He had felt helpless hurtling through space in his escape pod and this was something tangible he could do to help. Most of the crew had been accounted for. Navigator Pressly had been confirmed KIA as well as a few others. There were two people that Kaidan was admittedly more focused on than the others. Shepard had told him she was heading to the cockpit to rescue Joker and neither of them had checked in yet. As much as every safe crewman brought a bit of relief, he couldn’t lie to himself and say he wasn’t waiting for Shepard.
The doors from the shuttle landing pad opened once again and Kaidan turned his full attention to it. This could be them. This could be her. Only one figure came through this time, the motions slow and deliberate. Joker with a set of leg braces, walking quite painfully but on his own.
“Joker, thank goodness” Kaidan did not even bother trying to sound even-toned this time. He was elated to see their pilot. It also meant-
“Kaidan…ah, man. I’m...so sorry.”
“About the ship? That wasn’t your fault,” Kaidan gently guided Joker over to a row of seats, allowing the pilot to sit. “At least you got out okay. Where’s Shepard?”
Joker bowed his head, allowing his eyes to be obscured by his ever-distinctive cap. “Shepard…look, she was right behind me. But…they came around for another attack and-” His voice caught for a second. “It should’ve been me.”
Kaidan knew the answer, but he had to ask the question. “What should’ve been?” His voice was no longer even and the joy at seeing the pilot alive had clearly already been replaced by despair.
“She…went down with the ship. There was no way she escaped, at least…from what I saw.”
It felt like all the air had left the room. All the sounds of a bustling space station faded into the background. Kaidan gently lowered himself into one of the seats besides Joker, staring straight ahead at what amounted to nothing. He let the datapad he had been clinging to drop from his hand. Surely it had clattered onto the floor but Kaidan didn’t hear it. Went down with the ship. He didn’t even get to say goodbye. He didn’t even get to tell her he loved her one more time.
“Major.” Taylor snapped him back to reality. “Are you alright? You disappeared there for a second.”
With that verbal nudge, Kaidan became painfully aware that he had been standing in the center of an impact crater with his flashlight aimed at the ground. He wasn’t sure how long he had been looking at that spot, but it’s not as if he was really looking. Taylor offered a hand and helped him back up to ground level, with both of them taking a seat at the edge of the gaping hole in the wasteland that used to be part of a bustling London street. Kaidan slowly turned off his flashlight, content to finally say for sure that there was no one to find in this area.
“I…let her down.” He admitted with a sigh, hanging his head in shame. “I let her go. I let her go three times.”
“Three..?”
“When the first Normandy was attacked, I left. When she asked me to join her to fight the Collectors, I left. When she needed me on Earth? I left.” Each sentence was punctuated with a growing bitterness. It was clear he needed to say this, even if it wasn’t necessarily the time.
“Now…correct me if I’m wrong, Major,” Taylor began, in a tone so authoritative and confident, Kaidan couldn’t help but look up. “But two of those incidents were orders from your Commanding Officer.”
“Well-”
She held up a hand to silence him. “No. I’m not finished, Alenko. Two of those incidents were orders from your CO and the other was you refusing to betray the Alliance.” And before he could say another word, she finished with a very firm “You and I both know Shepard is damn proud of you.”
“Allison-”
“Hell. I’m proud of you.”
Taylor had been with Kaidan for days on this hopeless search, regaling each other with stories of (Alliance-sanctioned) exploits. He had shared his time as part of Shepard’s crew with mixed pride and sadness. Taylor knew full well how much he missed Shepard and she knew that she had not just his commander, though Taylor kept that part to herself. Hearing such a brave, strong, and tough soldier say just what he needed made him smile for the first time in what felt like weeks. Something about Allison reminded him of a friend, someone he had lost to this war years ago. Maybe it was her determination? Her general stubbornness and attitude? Maybe it was her lack of respect for the chain of command, which he truthfully didn’t mind. It was nice to have someone like her around. He couldn’t pretend that he didn’t wish this was Ashley he was speaking to but he would make due with the friend he had.
“Thanks, Allison.”
“Hey, no problem.” They sat in silence for a little longer before Taylor coughed uncomfortably. “I’m sorry, Alenko. I gotta be honest,”
“Never a good start,” the Major joked, finally finding a bit of good humor after an undoubtedly heavy conversation.
“Nothing major,” Allison started and then snorted at her use of the word. “I actually came over to tell you. I drew the short straw so I’m the lucky one that gets to ask you for war stories.”
“W-what?” Kaidan looked over at her, looking for any hint she was joking. “We’re all soldiers.”
“Yes. But they want Shepard War Stories….sir.”
“You all are unbelievable.” He chuckled lightly and climbed up from his sitting position, helping his companion up after.
“So…is that a no?” She asked, glancing over to what Kaidan now saw was most of the group looking quite anxious for his answer. “I wouldn’t mind hearing them again.”
“It’s not a no.” He could hear a collective sigh of relief along with a few murmurs of excitement from the group. “But after that, we get back to it.”
“Aye, aye, sir.”
Kaidan talked for what felt like hours. He told his squad everything, from Eden Prime to Earth. Some parts, like the night before Ilos, he kept to himself. But there were stories he had always wanted to share and had always been worried no one would believe him. He could finally talk about Vigil. He could recount watching Shepard face down a Reaper on Rannoch. The stories did what he hoped: they inspired. The weary eyes before him grew wide with every passing minute. Once the Major had decided Story Time was over, the rest of the squad seemed to sprint off to make themselves busy. Good. He needed and wanted the silence.
Kaidan was now alone in the makeshift tent, sitting on what appeared to be a sheet splayed out over concrete. Everything hurt. As much as he wanted to talk about Shepard, the only thing he wanted more was to have Shepard here. He missed her and there was no use in denying that. He had promised himself that the goodbye was temporary when he was evacuated to the Normandy but it felt more permanent every second. Where could she be? They had started their search by the beam to the Citadel and found nothing. How far away could she have gotten?
“Major!” a call came over his earpiece.
Could it be? There was no way. Coincidences like that don’t happen in real life. It was probably something silly that required his attention: advanced decryption, maybe they needed an extra biotic to remove rubble, someone from the squad was injured. He’d heard it all before.
“Go ahead, Jones” he answered, wearily.
“I…think you’re going to want to get over here.”
“You have something?”
“Someone, sir.” Private Jones sounded like he was smiling.
It couldn’t be. “Send up a flare so I know where you are. Quick.”
“Yes, sir.”
It felt like hours before he saw the flare go up. Just this once, he decided to allow himself some renewed hope. It wasn’t far and he was determined to get there quickly. Sprinting in full armor wasn’t on his list of favorite activities but now was definitely the time. The Major took off running. This could be it.
Once Kaidan was close, he could see almost every soldier from his squad circled around one location. Some were trying to move rebar, using pure muscle and biotics. Others were preparing medi-gel and any other field medical equipment they had, seeming almost unsteady. They had yet to have occasion to use it on this mission so he couldn’t fault them for the discomfort. Jones and Taylor stood in the middle of the pack. Kaidan gently brushed past the surrounding squad to the center. He had to see for himself.
The soldier they had rescued was almost unrecognizable. Dried blood and soot soaked their entire face and exposed arms. Their armor was burnt beyond recognition or repair. This poor soul had been right in the thick of it, clearly. For a second, Kaidan wondered why he had been called over. Before he could voice the question, he saw it. The dog tag. Though the rest of this person had taken an extensive beating, their dog tag was still completely recognizable. The N7 symbol shone a bright red in stark contrast to the blackened armor behind it.
“Is that…” The Major was very slow and deliberate with the words. He didn’t want to be wrong. He couldn’t stand being wrong.
Taylor gently flipped the dog tag over. “It is.” She couldn’t help but chuckle in disbelief.
“Is..is she..?”
“Amazingly,” Private Jones began, scanning the soldier before him with his omni-tool. “Yes.”
Oh my god. Kaidan knelt down next to her and gently took one of her hands. It was mostly cold and he may have been imagining it but he swore he felt her gently squeeze his hand back. He had never been one to believe in miracles. He had never thought he had done something to deserve one. But here she was. She was clinging to life but she was here. Alive. He had heard Ashley and Alessia speak about God a few times on the SR-1. He had heard Alessia speak about Mordin “putting in a good word”. He had to figure all of Shepard’s former companions must’ve cashed in all their chips to have her still be alive after all this time.
“Thank you.” Kaidan uttered shakily. It was as much to his companions present as it was to those who weren’t.
The words hung in the air for a minute. No one dared say anything else. The squad slowly began to start their protocol for soldiers found alive. It was the first time they’d had occasion to use it.
“Contact Dr. Chakwas and Miranda Lawson. And send a message to the Normandy. Please. They need to know the Commander is coming home.”