Chapter Text
Chapter 1:
I knocked on the door with all the excitement in the world. Benji was ready to get back together with me, or at least to talk things over. That's why he had come to Mia's father's wedding. However, he saw me with Rahim. Maybe that's the end of our relationship. That's why I'm here, to clear everything up.
I want to go back to Benji, that's why I've come to his house, even though Rahim is waiting for me at his. Rahim is just an open door, a novelty. If I close my eyes, I see my future with Benji, despite all the inconveniences we've had so far. I said it in front of Derek and I'll say it in front of anyone: Benji is the best. Just because I slipped up with Rahim doesn't mean I'm going to go with him now.
For a minute I hesitated to go with Rahim. He kissed me and I let him do it. He's not as good a kisser as Benji. I don't feel the same, it's not like two jet planes flying over my head. I see Rahim as a friend. I want to help him feel good about being gay, just like Simon did with me. But I haven't kept my distance, and I guess I've confused him. Rahim can't be in love with me, it wouldn't make any sense.
I love Benji, though. Or at least, I think I do. I've made up my mind, I've rushed here as I couldn't waste a minute waiting for a taxi. I want to sort things out with him now, immediately. I don't know what to say to him.
"Hi." I smile as he opens the door.
Benji has been crying, it's clear that what happened earlier didn't fit well with him. He says coldly, "Hi."
"Can I have a word?" I say without losing my smile, but at the same time, I feel worried.
"What do you want to tell me?" he asks, not letting me into his house.
"What happened... I'm sorry. Rahim is just a friend to me." I said, reaching out his hand to where he was standing.
Benji sighed and put a hand to his face, while still leaning on the door, "It's not true. I saw the way you were looking at him. Victor, you have feelings for him, and I felt really stupid watching that."
"I don't know, I don't see it that way, Benji. I'm sorry, I really am. I didn't mean for that to happen." I said, already pretty sad.
"Are you going to tell me he didn't propose to you? Please don't lie to me." And he looked down, deep down, I thought I knew the answer.
"Yes. He kissed me after you left. Benji, seriously, I wasn't looking for that to happen. I want to make things right with you. I love you, Benji." I said, on the verge of tears.
Benji started crying, "Victor, please, I need to think."
"But Benji..." and I took a step forward, to which he backed away.
"Victor, please go away."
I sighed and ran the sleeve of my jacket over my eyes to wipe my tears away.
"I love you Benji, I want to fight for us. I only want you. Please..."
"Victor, I need to think. A lot has happened to us lately. Can I take a few days off?"
"Benji, please..." and I moved forward so far that my hands were on his chest. I was going to kiss him, but with his gaze he advised me that I'd better not.
"Victor, don't make a spectacle of yourself. I don't want my parents to know. Please leave. Monday at school we'll talk."
"Tell me something now, please..." I said in a pleading tone.
"Victor, I love you, but so much has happened to us..."
Benji looked inside his house. He wanted to check that his parents weren't listening, or that we were going to be interrupted. The last thing Benji wanted was a scandal in his house, having to explain to his parents that we had broken up.
"Benji, please don't leave me. These days have been torture. I can't live without you..." and I took several steps back, to make room for him and reassure him in the process.
Benji moved towards me, they were as close again as they had been a few moments ago, perhaps closer now than before. He lifted his face to mine and kissed my cheek.
"Please go. When I get things straightened out, I'll call you. But tonight, has been very intense. I can't think now." And he grabbed my hand, stroking it.
"It's okay. Good night Benji. Get some rest. I'm sorry for all the hurt I've done to you. You don't know how sorry I am."
"Victor..." and with his hand he stroked my hair. Then his other arm came around me, melting us in an embrace.
"I've never risen to the occasion. I failed you, I'm sorry..." I said between sobs.
Benji tightened his embrace even more. "Don't think about the past. We have to think about the present, and the future."
After a long moment, Benji loosened his arms and I loosened mine in response.
"I'd better go." I said, crestfallen.
"Yeah..." said Benji in a very low tone.
I turned around and started walking. Benji didn't close the door to his house, I assumed he was still standing in the doorway, watching me. There was no point in turning around and continuing the scene. Benji had made it clear, he needed to think, he wasn't going to make the decision today. And deep down, I understand him. Staying together after everything that's happened to us, at the very least, makes you have doubts. Benji hasn't had an easy life, and if all I can bring him is more trouble... Shit! I've done everything wrong. And I have only myself to blame for that.
Coming out is not easy at all. And I've gone through the whole process with Benji. He's been there for me, on the front line, helping me when life dealt me blows. Benji didn't deserve that. I always thought he deserved all the best, and yet I only brought him more problems. It's also true that he has kept things from me, but I think I would have done the same in his place. And for Rahim to come between us, to propose me an easy path when the path had become more difficult for me, has only complicated everything. I must make a decision about Rahim. As soon as possible and as radical as possible. I want to show Benji that I only want to be with him. I have to if I want to continue my relationship.
Benji is incredibly insecure. I've realised that now. When I first fell in love with him, I saw him as a perfect, flawless guy who was in a relationship with someone lousy. However, as I got to know him more deeply and saw how we lived with the conflict, I realised his flaws. And I'm not talking about his alcoholism. Benji is wildly impulsive, but so am I.
I don't know what I'm thinking. Before I know it, I've walked quite a few steps from Benji's house. I turn around and can barely make it out in the distance. I should get home, but first I need to relax. I'm still crying, and if my mother sees me like this, I'll have to explain. I don't feel like talking about it. That's why I haven't said much to Simon. I can sort it out on my own, or at least I think I can. Deciding on Benji was relatively easy, like the closing and opening my eyes. But getting him to believe in me again and rebuilding our relationship, that will be difficult, and I can't share my impressions with anyone. This is my new goal, and I'm going to do it on my own.
I reach the end of Benji's street. I have to cross the avenue and then walk several more streets to my house. Just a 10 or maybe 15-minute walk. I wait on the pavement for the traffic light to turn green for pedestrians. The avenue is in darkness, I can see that the city council has not invested enough money in lighting. I get impatient, I want to get home. The traffic lights turn green, I can finally walk back across the road.
I take the first steps across one lane, then the other, which also goes in the same direction. I have two left, the other two going in the opposite direction. I'm right in the middle of the third lane when headlights shine on me from the right. I turn my head. Those headlights are coming towards me at high speed. I hear the sound of brakes at full power, but the headlights are rapidly approaching me. I'm petrified, I don't know where to move. And I feel a push, and everything around me turns dark.