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*Dad, I was with a potential client, a connection I made in Shanghai .*
Logan looks up from his desk.
“You’re lying to me son,” Logan says. Kendall’s chest tightens.
The world goes black.
‘Maybe it won’t be that bad,’ he thinks. His eyes strain as he keeps them shut. ‘Maybe he will believe it.'
*I was with a potential client, a connection I made in Shanghai.*
This time, his dad barely looks up from the files on his desk. “Oh, who is that, Kendall?”
‘Fuck .’
The scenario fades. Who is important enough to meet with but he won’t know?... No- what won’t he care about?... Expansion of parks into Asia, satellites -no… no...
He grits his gums between teeth. His mind goes through everyone and everything like a Rolodex. Trying to match up the perfect person and the perfect scenario.
*I was with a potential client, a connection I made in Shanghai.*
*I was with a potential client, a connection I made in Shanghai.*
*I was with a potential client, a connection I made in Shanghai.*
“... Kendall? Kendall?”
He snaps his head. Rava is next to him. He senses her anger. He can’t process it right now.
In front of him is an older man with a small build. Circular glasses slip down the bridge of his nose. Someone his father would insult. A therapist, and not Kendall’s first choice.
“Wh-what was the question, I’m sorry, just a busy day for me, sometimes I forget-,” Kendall says, with a forced smile.
He notices the air of disappointment from all parties now. Rava looks away. The therapist pushes his glasses up. Kendall knows if he reaches for his phone it would say he doesn’t want to be there; that he’s the archetype of a twenty-first-century trust fund man-boy. He knows that’s already who he is to this man, despite knowing him for about twenty minutes. He decides he won’t think about that right now.
Kendall maintains eye contact with the therapist, trying to be present. Prioritize the present.
The therapist gives a reassuring smile.
“We understand how busy you are. How much work you’ve been doing on your personal growth,” the therapist says.
He looks at Rava as she taps on her armrest. Each hit of her fingernail echoes through the office.
Kendall places his hand on his wife’s knee. She doesn’t acknowledge it but doesn’t move it away. He can handle that for now.
“I’ve been doing the outpatient program since coming back from rehab. Three months clean. And my- therapy is going well.” Kendall says and looks down, “Yeah, personal growth is...great.”
Personal growth is a phrase that people say without calling him an addict. How others can function, he needs to be taught.
The therapist pushes his glasses up as he smiles.
“It’s good to hear that, Kendall. Rava, what are your feelings about Kendall’s recovery?”
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Rava met Kendall at the Denver Post. She was a copy intern. He was the son of the owner of the paper...but also a copy intern. She didn’t know at first, having never paid attention to the actual business of the paper and had only a vague sense of Waystar’s involvement. She was a journalist first and foremost, and the less she knew about who wrote the paycheck, the better. Rava remembers getting up and placing a hand on his shoulder. How he was taken so aback by the touch, jumping a few steps behind him. His eyebrows raised into his hairline.
“Need help?” she said, letting her grip loosen. She felt Kendall exhale.
“Yeah, uh this model isn’t too familiar, it’s different from the one we had at school.” Kendall looked down sheepishly, the blush formed on his cheeks hiding his freckles.
With a snort, Rava pressed the color button, the one that said ‘color’ in bold letters that he somehow overlooked. He sighed again and Rava smirked.
As she pulled her hand back, her fingers grazed his forearm. She remembers his goose-bumps and arm hairs stood at attention. How cold he felt. She thought he was going to jump out of his skin from her touch.
“Th-Thank you”, Kendall said, flashing a toothy smile.
She assumed he was nervous. But soon learned that he was the son of the paper’s owner and never lifted a finger to copy anything in his life before this. It didn’t matter, though. The thin man with a slight stutter and awkward laugh charmed Rava. She knew Kendall took a liking to her as well. Besides her, he loved to talk to a few people in the office. Larry, the sports editor who was there for twenty-five years. The editor of the local beat, Jillian. The head of the maintenance staff, Jerry. He talked about music, basketball, and his dad. He loved the older staff, Rava noticed. People who weren’t trying to move up in the organization but were comfortable. He asked them to call him Kenny. He loved being Kenny.
But around other interns, Kendall always seemed jittery. His stutter became pronounced. His head was always down. He tried to keep his last name from most of them. They knew, though. Rava ended up sitting with him every day during their lunch break. She got used to the others avoiding them.
She knew Kendall thought she was beautiful. She caught his glances across meeting tables. When they talked, he could only lock eyes for a moment before his gaze dropped to his desk. She knew he could have anyone in the world but that he liked her? It felt powerful.
The first night they slept together was in her small apartment. Before he came over, Rava remembered hiding her photos, one of her parents' wedding, at a small catholic church in suburban Michigan. Another of her with her brother at a cabin they would rent every summer. She even hid her degree from Northwestern University, summa cum laude. Nothing felt good enough for Kendall Roy to be displayed. She felt foolish, he knew by this point who her family was. Her background, her school. But for it to be displayed, proudly. Rava couldn’t stomach that.
She can’t recall how they ended up having sex or what led to it. It wasn’t of note and they would get to know each other’s bodies far better as time went on.
But she remembers the wide grin on his face as his body wrapped around hers afterward. His small build was about the size of hers. They were so unequal in many other ways, that being close to his size felt right to her. It was bliss to Rava. This felt right.
But then Kendall began to speak.
“Maybe, my father can meet you... he’s been talking about me settling soon.. he was married by the time he was our age…”
Rava listened and knew there was something wrong, that a man could have sex with someone he desired and then ramble about his father not even five minutes after finishing. The siren was going off in her head, but his smile flashed and the words poured out with authenticity. He believed it.
“He’s such a powerful influence, Rava. And it’s just going to grow.” He looked at the ceiling like a naïve child.
“And it’s going to be mine one day... and if it is, I’ll make sure you come up with it, like news, editing... whatever you want.” Kendall took Rava’s hands in his and kissed her fingers.
Rava knew this charmed her, but it left her with a pit of rue. He offered her a job after fucking. He thought nothing of it and was unaware of what he had. She knew it. But damn if that smile didn’t make her heart speak a different language than her head.
That night, Rava knew she fell in love with a broken man. Most people are anyway. She could figure him out and bring him some peace. Hopefully, he could bring her some as well.
_____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
“Do you care about me.. Kendall, not me as a part of the Roy family, or your wife? Me? As a person by myself?”
Kendall feels the sting as the words hit his ears.
They got married when they did because his father wanted Kendall to do so. That’s the bottom line of the matter, and they both knew it without it being said. But Kendall always liked being a husband to Rava and a father to his kids. It was the one world he could just be. He never had to compete or prove to anyone that he was better. He just was a dad and a husband. It was for better or worse, the happiest moments for him. Or, at least that's what he has told himself.
“I love you...so much but I was born to be important and you and the kids get to be a part of that. That’s how I can show you how much I do,” Kendall grips her leg tighter but Rava does not stir. As he looks at her, he notices the time on her wristwatch. Six o’clock.
“Well, time is up!”, the therapist says. Kendall stands up as if he's a soldier commanded at attention. “I think we are making the progress we need here. We want to avoid what we like to call in the marriage world an ‘irretrievable breakdown’, no understanding, no eye to eye contact. The sign of the D-word, but no..no not you two. You’re honest...talking, very good”, the therapist says with a satisfied smile.
“Well, yeah, we are not gonna divorce. It’s not in the cards. Just...getting some shit worked out, ya know?”, Kendall says as he grabs his coat and heads towards the door. The meeting with his father just started and hopes he can decide which client his father would believe held him up in the five-minute ride back to Waystar.
He did not look back as he left Rava alone in the office.
____________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
For Sophie’s ninth birthday, Rava wanted to do a family trip, but not a Roy family trip. A Kendall, Rava, Sophie, and Iverson trip. That’s different. It would align with Kendall’s first month anniversary out of rehab, his sixth month anniversary of being clean.
Rava wanted to give a shot of bonding the four of them to some sort of family tradition and maybe praising Kendall’s recovery needed to be there. It could be a way for the kids to comprehend their father’s change without having to face too much of the reality just yet.
The United Kingdom was off-limits, much to Sophie’s protest. The girl just finished Harry Potter and was enchanted with the UK. Rava knew it was going to be her first choice, but that place had risks. Close to WayStar’s London office and an excuse for Kendall to go see his mother. She didn’t know what would be worse; him working the whole time, or the trauma unpacked from seeing his mother, a different beast than what his father puts him through. Paris was chosen. It has a small WayStar office, not enough for Kendall to end up there for more than an hour or so. Sophie was enchanted with the idea. So it was settled.
Kendall wanted to try for his family. The excitement his kids had after not seeing him for five months, and the trip would be good for him. He didn’t want his father to control his life. He could get away and his father wouldn’t say no, especially if it meant keeping his family happy. Kendall convinced himself that Logan would be fine with it. That his love for his family is something Logan must understand.
Kendall didn’t tell him, though. That’s what calendars and assistants were for. In the speed racing of fear in his mind, Kendall called Jess to pass the message along.
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A week before the trip, a bombshell dropped on Waystar. ATN’s top-ranking evening news anchor was caught in a sexual assault scandal, one that could potentially be bought and killed, but as easily taken to a Pierce news outlet to break. The liberal vultures were ready to take their newest helping of Waystar.
Kendall spent days with Karolina, Frank, and his father crafting a strategy to survive this, either sacrifice the anchor or tie it to the over sensitivity of the left. He thought he could try to pull it all off. The scandal could brush over before, Kendall told himself. But the night before the trip, a news story broke. Karolina ran into his office at 5:00 pm, breathless. New charges were filed at the District Attorney of New York with a new client. They needed to prepare a statement at that very moment, and his father had booked a meeting room for him, Karolina, and Frank to strategize.
Kendall's phone buzzed. The banner wrapping over his lock screen reads ‘Sophie’s Birthday Trip’. His finger trembled as he swiped the notification off his home phone screen. When Kendall entered back into the room, his father asked him what all that was about, the tone knowing in a way that sent Kendall’s eyes averted to the floor.
He mumbled a noncommital reply, pushed out of his dry throat. Logan returned to his work, but Frank held his gaze, before dropping back to his laptop.
The rest of the meeting was filled with the buzz of fluorescent lights and glances at the glaring green numbers of the digital clock. His personal phone turned off, stuffed under the papers of HR reports.
It was after midnight when he finally left. Kendall remembered his phone’s weight in his pocket the most. The decision to turn it back on would be solely for Stewy and coke. But it wasn’t the night for that, he decided. The bar a block down from Waystar, hidden down a curving street in FiDi, called him. He ended up at the far end of the bar, one drink. Two. Three. A junior employee from Brightstar recognized him. They did coke in the bathroom, came back to the bar, and downed a few shots. Kendall didn’t think about turning his phone back on. That's when the night went black.
Kendall still remembers stumbling out of a car hours later, vomit on his jacket, coke under his nails. The townhouse, dark as he stumbled in, door opened by a staffer. He’s not sure which one.
“Where are they,” Kendall mumbled, as his jacket was taken off. The foyer spun, a sight he was used to.
“They’ve gone, Mr. Roy. They left for Paris hours ago.”
___________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________________
When Kendall came home from work after therapy, Rava told him that she wanted to file for an official separation. She knew he would cry and say he’s getting better. She saw the boy at the Denver Post; she saw the man in bed with her; she saw all of him. She loved him. She loved herself and her children more.
“Rava, do you think I can do it...get through it...?” His voice broke.
“Kendall, I can’t save you. And you can’t ask me to anymore. I have to save the kids, not you,”
Kendall’s chest tightens and his shoulders drop. She grabs his hand, a comfort she gives without a thought. He begins to tremble under her gentle stroke. She wants to pull him into an embrace but her mind works faster than her heart this time.
“We’ll do a weekend thing? I can... just.. take them on the weekends.”
She lets his hand go, and glances up “We’ll get lawyers involved, but yes, they need to know where this... comes from”, she says while gesturing to the townhouse and then places her hand on his cheek.
“I’m sure you’ll buy them some affection once in a while”.
Rava looks at the sadness in his eyes, like his face was made to be in constant grief. She knows that might be the lasting image of their marriage. But they reached the breaking point, an irretrievable breakdown.